


Don't Let It (Me) Break

by falsegoodnight



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Bottom Louis, Exes to Lovers, Insecure Louis, Jealous Harry, M/M, Malcolm sucks, Misunderstandings, Panic Attacks, Pining, Protective Harry, Protective Zayn, Sad Louis, Slow Burn, Top Harry, but it's not really about sex, but lou loves harry, don't read this if you want tons of smut, eventually, harry kind of hates lou in the beginning, niall/liam/harry are flatmates, self-harm/not graphic, seriously, suicide attempt/not described only referenced, the mcd is jay/not described, unhealthy eating habits, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2020-10-27 20:41:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 168,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20766641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falsegoodnight/pseuds/falsegoodnight
Summary: "You broke up with him more than two years ago Lou, don't you think this has gone on too long?"No. He couldn't just let him go. He couldn't end this painful cycle of remembering and longing but never having."It's more complicated than that.""You still sleep in his sweaters.""They're comfortable!"Yup, everything is fucking great.-Or the one where Harry is oblivious, Louis is broken, Zayn and Liam are in love, Gemma and Lottie are lovely, and Niall is just waiting for everyone to get their shit together.Oh, and it's all Malcolm's fault





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, so this is my first fic and I really hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> Just some quick things:  
\- Harry and Louis won't actually interact in the present timeline until like chapter 9 or 10 but don't worry- there's flashbacks to give you all the larry content you need.  
\- I'll warn you beforehand when they flashback to the suicide attempt but for the record, it's not successful (obviously) nor is it really described, like at all. It's more of the aftermath and reactions.  
\- Also, Louis very clearly suffers from anxiety and panic attacks throughout the fic so if that's triggering to you, maybe do not read. Take care of yourself first :)  
\- Same goes for anyone who is easily triggered by eating disorders. Louis does NOT have an eating disorder in this story but he is also not eating well at all for a lot of the story and when reflecting over why, his insecurities are determined as part of it- if that sounds triggering in any way to you, again maybe don't read this fic. It's not an explicit eating disorder which is why I didn't tag it, but I still wanted to mention it.  
\- Smut. Yes, there will be some, but this story is also not meant to be focused on that at all so don't go into it expecting a ton. I'm thinking a couple scenes at most. And yes, it's bottom Louis/top Harry because that's what I prefer to write.  
-Also past relationships and other relationships that are not Harry/Louis, Liam/Zayn, etcetera will be mentioned but the previous two mentioned are ENDGAME so you don't need to worry, again I LOVE angst.  
\- BE KIND. This is my first fic. 
> 
> That's all for now I think? 
> 
> Updates weekly and sometimes more frequently??

**April 2017**

A tentative knock interrupted the quiet peace of Louis’ room. He scrunched his eyebrows and burrowed his head deeper into the duvet, squeezing his eyes shut.

Another knock.

Louis remained silent.

“I know you can hear me,” said a familiar voice with a sigh. “C’mon Lou, we need to talk about this.”

Louis freed his head from the trap of the blankets and huffed, “Clearly there’s nothing to talk about Z, seeing as you completely avoided telling my anything about this recent addition to your life.”

The door immediately swung open, revealing a tired but annoyed Zayn. “For the last time, it’s barely been a few days- you’re being dramatic.”

“You didn’t mention it at all, I figured meeting your soulmate-”

“He’s not my-”

“-was definitely something at least worth mentioning to your best friend,” said Louis, trying to be sarcastic but somewhat failing as the hurt showed through.

Zayn softened and Louis frowned. “You know you’re my best friend Louis,” he said and Louis groaned.

“Here we go again,” he muttered.

Zayn ignored him and instead crossed onto Louis’ bed. “I’m always going to be here for you, you know that. I’d never abandon you ever.”

“I know Z,” said Louis, rolling his eyes. “I’m quite aware you’re chained to me whether I like it or not.”

“Louis-”

“I’m not mad,” he insisted. “I’m being a dick, I’m happy for you. Liam- he seems like a nice guy.”

Zayn grinned dopily, “He is, isn’t he.”

Louis rolled his eyes. “For fuck’s sake, is this what I’m going to have to live with from now on? You turning into a big softie?”

Zayn immediately frowned, and crossed his arms. “Shut the fuck up, nothing has changed.”

Louis raised an eyebrow. Zayn liked to pretend he was all “tough, dark, doesn’t-give-a-shit-about-anything, like some moody artist-type”, but Louis knew that inside, Zayn had a golden heart and would never let anything happen to Louis.

At least not intentionally.

And he’d never forgive himself if something were to happen to someone he loved. Louis knew this all too well.

“So you’re not mad?” asked Zayn cautiously.

“No Zayn, of course not. I’m actually glad you have someone else in your life to annoy all the time,” Louis shot back half-heartedly. He fidgeted with his jumper sleeve. It was green and way too thick for the warmer March weather they were facing in London but they both had gotten too good at pretending that he was wearing it because he was cold.

It also wasn't his jumper, but that wasn't important.

Zayn gave him a half-smile, “Hey I was thinking I could invite Liam over next week? For dinner? So you could meet him. Your opinion is so important to me Lou, and I want the guy I’m with to get along with you.”

Put up with you, was more like it but Louis smiled. “I know I’ll love him Z, I’ll love anyone you deem worthy enough to pass your aura of indifference.”

“Ha ha.”

Later when they’re smoking out on the balcony, feet dangling into the open air with nothing but the sounds of cars passing by occasionally around them, Louis will think back to how none of this would have ever happened if Zayn hadn’t insisted on running to the grocery store to grab Louis’ favorite tea on an evening when he was having a “bad day” and the lack of his favorite drink had resulted in him curling into a ball in the kitchen, tears streaming down his face, for an hour until Zayn had returned from his shift at the cafe, concerned but not necessarily surprised.

If Louis was normal and insisted that he could wait until the next day when it wasn’t dark and raining out, Zayn would have never been accidently pushed by Liam Payne in the tea aisle and they wouldn’t be here. Zayn wouldn’t be feeling guilty (or, even more guilty than normal), and Louis wouldn’t be wondering what life would be like without Zayn there nearly 24/7 constantly nagging him and taking care of him. He didn’t know if he would survive without that. He knew he was a mess of broken parts, held together by a string- a string named Zayn that is.

After their smoke break (even after everything, Zayn thought it would be too cruel and hypocritical to ban Louis from smoking- but Louis wasn’t allowed to smoke without Zayn there so even that is controlled now), they order pizza for dinner because they both can’t cook for shit. Zayn had tried multiple times over the past few months, claiming than an unhealthy diet was making everything worse, but with the business of his job and trying to sell his art- there were too many days he returned to their flat too exhausted to cook.

After Louis forces himself to eat three slices (something he will always do to keep the disappointed look off of his roommate’s face), they watch a few episodes of Black Mirror and then head to bed.

Louis leaves his jumper on but strips out of his joggers and crawls into bed. Zayn peeks his head into the small room and they exchange the typical, “goodnights” and “love you’s”, then the light switches off and Louis is alone. Alone with his thoughts and worries and feelings and defenseless from the ghosts that come to haunt his dreams. That’s when the tears come.

He had made it a habit to wait until Zayn was gone to cry. The last thing he wanted to do was worry him further, especially when he’s already sacrificed so much to deal with his messed up friend. Louis knows he’s a burden and that the longer this goes on- this tense relationship they have where Louis is fucked up and Zayn takes care of him- the more Zayn would grow to resent him. He couldn’t risk losing the most important person in his life next to his family.

He needed to get better or at least pretend to get better so Zayn would be appeased and his guilt would disappear and they could return to their normal friendship which wasn’t weighted down my Louis’ emotional baggage.

So he cried at night, alone in bed.

He didn’t feel bad. It had only been four months. You needed more than four months to recover from a loss as big as the one he suffered.

His eyes shut and he exhaled shakily. Just the thought of his mother these days made him want to leave, only a slight improvement to the recent months where every thought made him want to die. It sounded dramatic but the fact that Louis was living in this world without his closest confident, his number one supporter, his mother was too much.

He didn’t want to was the thing.

He still didn’t want to, but he was at least aware now that just leaving would cause too much trouble than it was worth.

And though he had made peace with that, Zayn definitely had not. Enter Zayn 2.0 (the controlling version). He was grateful to Zayn really, but this extra layer of protectiveness and the constant monitoring from him, Lottie, Stan, and anyone else he hung out with, was annoying. And it just made Louis guiltier. They shouldn’t be looking after him. He was 25 years old for fuck’s sake. He was an adult.

Lottie especially shouldn’t be looking after him. She was only 18. He should be looking after her. Her and Felicite and Daisy and Phoebe. His stomach clenched with guilt. He hadn’t seen them in a month because he was a goddamn coward. They were with Mark, his dad, so they were okay but Louis should be with them. Doris and Ernest were with Dan and he visited them two weeks ago only because Dan needed the help. Louis had cried immediately upon seeing his youngest siblings. They were still practically babies and they would never know their mother- they would never see her warm smile and experience one of her tight hugs that made you feel like everything was okay.

Dan had held him after that and calmed him down.

He managed to play dolls for the rest of the evening without breaking down because if he couldn’t be strong for two toddlers than he really was hopeless.

Though, as he lay in the dark, face wet with tears and breaths shaky, he realized he had already passed the tier of hopelessness a long, long time ago.

At times like these, Louis was more aware than ever that he had no one to hold him. He was 25 and nowhere near the mental state to actively look for someone. Just the thought of trying dating again- trying to flirt and fall in love with someone new, made him nauseous. He hadn't dated anyone in more than 2 years and sometimes it felt like he'd never date anyone again. He'd just keep aging meanwhile Zayn would fall in love and marry someone (maybe Liam maybe not) and leave him, then Stan would find someone, and Calvin, and Lottie, and Felicite, and everyone would leave him and he'd be alone for real.

That was his biggest fear. Being alone.

He'd already felt alone for the past four months due to the massive chunk missing from his heart. He couldn't handle anymore losses. So maybe it wasn't a lie that Louis was not the happiest with Zayn dating someone.

Sometimes he cursed himself for not falling in love with Zayn. Life would have been so much easier then.

-

“Dumbass!” exclaimed Niall, door to the flat slamming shut behind him.

Harry yelped and stumbled from his very carefully created firefly pose, landing on his ass. He scowled, “What the hell Niall?”

Niall ignored him and instead stomped into the kitchen. “I can’t believe this. What a complete bastard!”

Harry grumbled, standing up. “Excuse me?”

That pose had taken him an hour to get into properly and now his butt hurt.

He followed his blonde friend into the kitchen and watched as he aggressively opened the pantry door and began taking various snack items out. “For god’s sake,” he grumbled. “Fucking fuck, jesus christ.”

Harry raised an eyebrow, “Everything alright, Ni?”

Niall finally looked up, one hand deep into a pack of crisps, and blinked, “Oh hey Harry.”

Harry raised an eyebrow, and took a seat at the table. “Care to explain what the hell is going on?”

Niall immediately scowled, “Ben Bannard is an utter prat. He’s a disgrace to the entire nursing practice. I want him thrown out.”

Harry rolled his eyes. He should have known it was nothing serious. Niall was just dramatic.

“No, I want him executed,” he amended, stuffing a handful of crisps in his mouth. Harry winced as he continued to speak with his mouth full. “Drawn and quartered. Send him to the guillotine!!”

“Hate to break it to you mate, but there’s no guillotines here, this isn’t the French Revolution.”

“We’ll time travel to the 1700s and do it then.”

“Alright whatever you say, let me know when you invent a time machine.”

His scowl deepened. “I have no time to invent a time machine. I’m swamped with work from the hospital and now that fuckin’ Ben is taking a fuckin’ vacation- I have to cover some shifts for him.” He ripped open another bag of crisps. “The audacity!”

Harry winced, “Sorry man, that sucks.” Harry knew how hard Niall worked at his job. He had been lucky to receive a position at the hospital due to his age and lack of a previous experience but Niall was also extremely gifted as a nurse and he would do anything to prove it.

“No shit.”

“Wanna go to the pub this Friday and drown out our sorrows?”

“Sounds perfect,” said Niall. “I need to get drunk and forget this conversation ever happened.”

Harry chose to ignore the latter jab. “Alright, I’ll ask Malcolm if he’s free too,” said Harry, not missing the way Niall’s face scrunched up. He sighed, “I still don’t get what you have against Mal, he’s a great guy.”

“Debatable.”

Harry frowned, “He’s been one of my best friends for more than three years Ni, I’d really love it if you guys would just get along, and by that I mean I wish you would quit your stupid resentment. I don’t get why you don’t like him, you guys have loads in common.”

“Oh loads, for sure,” said Niall sarcastically. “We both have incredibly high standards of everything and like to trash anyone or anything that doesn’t meet it. We also love drinking expensive wine and talking about pretentious poetic shit at midnight because we like to pretend to look cool when it reality we know nothing about any of the stuff we blabber on about for hours upon-”

Harry groaned, running a hand through his hair and trying not to flinch when his hair suddenly ended- he still wasn't used to his short hair and it had been four months. “Mal isn’t like that. You’re exaggerating.”

“Sure Harold.”

“He’s not,” said Harry, defending his friend. “You just need to spend time with him.”

“I really don’t need to get within ten feet of his imported exotic perfume or whatever shit he’s into these days unless I have to,” said Niall, plopping into a chair across from Harry. “I love you, but I don’t love him. Sorry not sorry, if you’re inviting him I’m dipping.”

Harry sighed (the third time in the past ten minutes), “Give him a fair chance Ni, don’t you think you’re being unfair. What has he ever done to you?”

It was almost as if Niall froze for a second, but then his face molded back into impassiveness as if nothing happened, “Nothing Harry, he has done nothing to me.”

“So you admit that you’re being ridiculous?” Harry asked, reaching to grab a crisp from Niall’s half-eaten bag. Normally the Irish man would slap his hand away but he didn’t now, in fact his facial expression looked kind of odd. “What is it?”

“Nothing,” he said, shaking his head. “Absolutely nothing.”

“Okay then…”

There was an awkward silence.

"So you'll give him a chance then?"

Niall frowned, "Maybe."

"Niall..."

"Fine, okay jeez."

“I can invite him out Friday night?”

Niall shrieked, straight up shrieked, “Hell no! I’ll give him a chance some other time. I need to forget the misery of this week, not increase it!”

“Okay, okay,” said Harry, rolling his eyes.

Just then, they both heard the familiar jingling of the front door opening and a minute later, Liam called out, “I’m back!”

“Lima! You’re home to save me,” yelled Niall.

“Hey Li,” called Harry right after.

Liam entered the kitchen, skin glistening with sweat from his gym workout and massive biceps out to be admired. When he came in reach, Niall pinched his tricep and Liam yelped. Niall snickered. “What a way to be greeted after a long day,” he said, rubbing his arm.

“How was your day?” asked Harry.

“You never ask me that,” said Niall, affronted.

“Because to ask that I’d have to actually care.”

Niall squawked and Harry shrugged. They glared at each other.

“It was fine,” said Liam, effectively ending their staring contest. “Actually… I kind of have something to tell you???”

Niall and Harry exchanged a quick look. Liam looked sheepish, his puppy eyes looking a little wider than normal. “What kind of something?” asked Harry slowly.

“Am I going to have to sign a waiver?” asked Niall.

Liam blinked, confused. “Uh no? It’s not a bad thing actually,” he smiled softly, “Actually it’s kind of a good thing.”

“Well shoot Lima bean,” said Niall, leaning back. “But don’t actually shoot anyone, I’m not assisting in murder again.”

Harry rolled his eyes.

Liam decided not to comment on the “again” portion and instead his smile grew, “Well you see, I’m sort of, kind of…. Seeing someone?”

“WHAT!” exclaimed Niall before Harry could react. He stood up, eyes wide. “Oh my god! Liam is seeing someone! I never thought I’d see the day!”

Liam huffed, but Harry could see the red start to show on his cheeks.

“Look he’s blushing,” said Harry. “Awww Liam, who is she?”

Liam bit his lip, “Actually it’s a he.”

Harry raised an eyebrow. He was not aware that Liam was not straight but he didn’t want to make him even more uncomfortable so he continued, “Ooo, someone from your gym?”

“No, I met him at the grocery store, actually,” said Liam, scratching his ear. His face was still bright red. “He works at Sally’s Diner.”

“Well? What’s his name?” asked Niall, eyes still wide like he was watching the most entertaining tv show on the planet. “What does he look like? How long have you been seeing him? When can I meet him?”

“His name is Zayn,” said Liam, smiling fondly. Harry internally squealed. He loved seeing people fall in love. “We’ve gone on four dates in the past three weeks and… I really like him guys.. He’s.. He’s gorgeous.”

“Gorgeous eh?” asked Niall, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Stop that,” said Liam, turning even more red. “And I don’t know when you can meet him. I’m going to meet his flatmate tomorrow for dinner and I guess I can invite him over next week if you guys are free.”

“No!” exclaimed Niall.

Liam froze, eyes wide.

“I mean, yes to the dinner, but I’m going to be working too many shifts next week, can we do the week after?” Niall added on.

“Sure, I’ll check with him,” said Liam.

“Well I’m happy for you mate,” said Harry, smiling. “Really happy.” Liam deserved someone really good. Someone who would treat him like Liam treated him and Niall: with kindness, respect, and love.

“I’m so proud,” said Niall, wiping away a fake tear. “Little Lima’s all grown up.”

“Idiots,” said Liam, shaking his head fondly.

Harry and Niall grinned. Liam had only been living with them for the past five months, ever since mid-November, and Harry was glad he had moved into their lives. Liam balanced them out. He was responsible like Harry was (when he wasn’t corrupted by Niall’s nonsense) and he was loyal, caring, and he always listened. He never got annoyed with the slow way Harry talked. It was hard for him to find people like that- who wouldn’t make fun of his slow tone or try to rush him. He also gave great advice.

“So Zayn,” said Niall, mischievous face on, “He’s got a last name?”

“Yes but I’m not telling you that,” said Liam. “I learned my mistake last time. You are not internet stalking my boyfriend.”

Niall pouted, but then grinned. “Boyfriend eh?” he said, wiggling his eyebrows again.

Liam fish-mouthed, face even redder. Harry cackled.

He loved his flatmates.

-

**February 2013**

Louis was excited. He was going on a date!

He had worn his best black skinny jeans (the ones that made his arse look amazing) and a soft blue jumper that matched his eyes. He had gotten Perrie help him with his hair and it was arranged artfully into a soft, messy fringe. He wore one of his less-scuffed pairs of vans and then with one last glance at the mirror (where he determined he was actually happy with the way he looked for once), he was off.

Dean, that was the name of the guy who had asked Louis out a week before, had told him to meet him at the bakery on the corner of 6th street at 4:30. The February air was cold but Louis was too excited to feel anything but warm, warm, warm. He arrived in front of the cute establishment five minutes early. They were going to grab some pastries and then go see a movie at the cinema (Louis was hoping to see the new Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd movie but he’d compromise if his date was charming enough).

He didn’t know if he should wait outside for Dean to show up or not but after a second of shivering in the cold weather, he decided to go inside anyway.

The inside was just as cute as the outside. Walls baby pink and blue, and furniture dark wood with white accents. There weren’t too many people inside so Louis didn’t have any trouble finding a nice table for two. He sat down, deciding it would be more polite to wait for his date.

A sweet looking brunette wearing the bakery uniform grinned at him and handed him a menu. “Enjoy!”

He smiled back widely, “I will, thanks!” He decided to peruse the menu. There were a lot of things that looked good. He hoped his date wouldn’t look at him differently once he had ordered multiple pastries. His ex always had a problem with the amount of food Louis ate, always turning up his nose and telling him he needed to lose some weight.

It made Louis feel inadequate, but it’s okay because they broke up after six months (because Michael cheated on him, but details) and now Louis was going on a date! With a cute guy from his psychology class!

He checked the time and grinned again, one minute until 4:30!

One quick glance out the windows but Dean was nowhere to be seen. Louis wasn’t worried though. Normally Louis was barely making it places on time, slipping in a minute or so after, apologies streaming from his mouth. Maybe he and Dean had that in common.

He wondered what Dean was wearing? Dean was a tall bloke (which Louis loved in a guy) and he had nice, soft-looking blonde hair and kind brown eyes. He was well-built too, not too muscular like Louis liked because then he’d always felt especially out-of-shape around him. He didn’t know Dean too well but he seemed like a really kind guy. Boyfriend material maybe?

The same employee from before was cleaning the table next to his, sweeping up the crumbs. They made eye contact and she smiled, “Hot date?”

Louis blushed, “Yup, ‘m just waiting.”

“Well I hope it goes well,” she said, winking.

“Thanks,” he said, peeking at her name tag. “Barbara?”

She nodded, “And you?”

“Louis,” he said, smiling.

“Okay Louis, have fun on your date,” she said, checking her watch. “I have to go find my coworker because I’m finally on break!”

Louis checked his watch too and frowned slightly. 4:32.

Two minutes late.

That wasn’t a big deal.

In the background, he could hear Barbara call out to her coworker, “H! You’re out front now! See you tomorrow!”

Louis glanced back just in time to see a tall, curly-headed boy appear from the backroom. He had a smudge of flour on his cheek, probably baking. “Thanks Barb, see ya tomorrow,” he said, giving her a quick hug.

He didn’t mean to stare, but this stranger was sort of good-looking. He’d probably spend the entire time pining over him if he wasn’t on a date already. He was around 19, maybe 20 and he had those completely unfair features that everyone must’ve been jealous of. They made eye contact. Green eyes, well then. Louis smiled at him and the stranger smiled back, before heading to the cashier to help out an old lady.

Louis glanced once again out the window but saw no tall, blonde, cute boys approaching the shop. He sighed and turned back to the menu. Dean was probably running late, he thought as he checked the clock: 4:35. Louis was just being dramatic. People were late all the time. Dean would get here within five minutes and then they’d order and Louis would get two chocolate pastries and then they’d see a movie and maybe after Dean would lend Louis his jacket because he gets cold easily and they’d walk together and their fingers would brush-.

He sighed dreamily. It had been too long since he’d gone on a date.

“Excuse me?” asked a deep voice.

Louis perked up, mind first racing to Dean even though he would have seen him come in. He turned, but no- it was the cute bakery employee. Louis smiled at him. The stranger blinked, placing his hand on the table, but somehow managed to stumble forward, wobbling the table, “Oops.”

“Hi,” said Louis, grin growing. He checked the employee’s name tag: Harry. It suited him with his wild brown curls, bright green eyes, and oh- Harry grinned… dimples.

“I was wondering if you had any trouble ordering,” he said. He blinked and then blushed, “Not that you don’t know how to order or anything… I just know there’s a lot of choices and it can be difficult to choose, but if you wanted me to, I’d love to help recommend something… that is only if you want?” He tacked on a tentative smile afterwards, looking mildly embarrassed.

Louis was slightly endeared, “I appreciate the offer Harry, but I’m kind of waiting for someone.”

Harry had perked up at the use of his name, but he had visibly deflated at the latter, “Waiting for someone? Are you… sorry if this is nosy, but are you on a date?”

“That I am Curly,” said Louis, feeling even more endeared.

“Ah I see,” said Harry, looking slightly glum. Louis raised an eyebrow. 

“Disappointed?”

Louis was surprised when he answered honestly: “Definitely,” he said solemnly. “You look really nice…”

“Louis,” he replied, cheeks red and suddenly feeling a lot more bashful.

“Louis,” repeated Harry. His name sounded a lot prettier coming out of Harry’s full lips… Louis blinked. That was not a good thought. “Well, nice to meet you Louis, I have to go tend to the customers now but I hope your date goes well.”

He smiled, “Thanks Harry, have fun working.”

Harry grinned before returning back up front.

Louis glanced out the window and then at his watch: 4:42. Dean was now 12 minutes late. Louis figured now would be a good time to text him. They had exchanged numbers when Dean asked him out but the only conversation they had was setting the time and place two days before. After a minute of debating what would be appropriate to send, Louis wrote out a quick, “I’m at the bakery, just wondering if you’re running late?” text, hoping it didn’t come off as off. Louis felt a little off.

He told himself that Dean was having traffic trouble. It was getting close to being late evening and plenty of people were out and about in London. He stared at his screen for a moment, willing the familiar three dots to appear but they didn’t. He bit his lip.

He called Perrie first, and she picked up on the second ring, “Lou! Aren’t you on your date?”

“Um, actually he hasn’t shown up yet,” said Louis quietly. He glanced at his watch. “He’s over 15 minutes late, should I be worried?”

Perrie was silent for a second, “Maybe there’s traffic? Have you tried calling him?”

“No, I texted him but calling sounds like a good idea,” said Louis, willing himself to stay calm. Traffic. It's probably traffic. 

“Okay you do that,” said Perrie, “And listen Lou, you can call me to pick you up whenever you need me. I’ll be there.”

“Thanks Perrie,” said Louis, trying not to think too hard about it. She was offering to pick him up as if he had already been stood up. Maybe he had been stood up. The thought made his stomach clench painfully. “See you.”

“Have fun on your date Lou,” said Perrie, almost as if she heard the second-guessing going on in his head. “Can’t wait to hear everything about it.”

He replied weakly with a, “Me too,” and they both said goodbye.

He quickly dialed Dean’s number, staring at the icon of a “D” which he had been anticipating on changing on this date- asking to take a selfie or some shit. The phone rang and rang and he prayed Dean would pick up and explain that he was almost there and that he was so sorry that he was late but he’s so excited about their date because he really likes Louis and-

The call went to voicemail along with Louis’ last hope.

He stared dazedly at the black screen of his phone before he felt a familiar prickly sensation in his eyes, signalling tears were about to arrive and fast.

Don’t cry, he told himself. Don’t cry. You’re 21 years old. An adult. He can handle this. He can handle being stood up as a 21 year old. He crumpled quickly and immediately buried his head in his arms, tears streaming down his face, and body shaking. Louis was not a silent crier usually but he managed to muffle out the sounds of his sobs as not to disturb the other customers. God, he was sobbing in a bakery in his new shirt over some stupid boy.

Some stupid boy whom he wanted to be his next boyfriend.

He didn’t know how long it had been when he felt a gentle tap on his shoulder. He looked up to see Harry, looking concerned and holding out a cupcake, “Hi Louis, I just wanted to give you this. I don’t know what happened but I’m really sorry, you shouldn’t be crying.”

Louis blinked, rubbing his face. He didn’t even have the heart to be embarrassed. It was February fucking 5th- he wanted to find someone, someone to spend Valentine’s with and he thought it was Dean but… apparently Louis wasn’t good enough for him either. He gently took the cupcake from Harry and tried to smile, “Thanks Harry, I appreciate it. How much do I-”

“It’s on the house,” said Harry, eyes wide. “If you don’t mind me asking, um, what happened?”

Louis bit his lip and tried to sound indifferent as he informed Harry that, “I think I was stood up.” He failed though as his voice faltered half way through and then another tear tracked down his cheek. Harry looked horrified.

“Oh my god Louis I’m so sorry!” He reached out, almost as if to hug him, but changed his mind after that. He then frowned, “Whoever it was is a dick I hope you know that. I can’t imagine why anyone would stand you up. I mean look at you.”

Louis’ mouth dropped but Harry didn’t seem to notice.

“You probably dodged a bullet anyway, if he can’t show up on time to see someone like you than he clearly doesn’t have his life in order,” said Harry, looking way too annoyed about a guy he knows nothing about standing up another guy he just met. “I’d punch him for you,” said Harry seriously.

Louis blinked, “What?”

Harry blushed, “Actually forget I said that. I’d want to punch him but I wouldn’t because I have self control and I’m not violent, I promise. I treat people with kindness, even assholes.”

Louis smiled for real, “You’re really something Curly.”

Harry grinned, “Thanks Lou.” He stopped suddenly, “Is it okay that I called you that?”

“Sure, Lou is reserved especially for cute guys who work in bakeries,” said Louis then mentally facepalmed. He should not be flirting with employees when he just got stood up. Harry will think he’s a desperate loser.

Except Harry didn’t seem to care, “Hey, my shift ends in like in hour and I know this is kind of out of nowhere but if you don’t mind waiting,” he cringed, “actually that sounds bad, all you’ve been doing is waiting, but-”

“Harry,” interrupted Louis, taking pity on the babbling boy who made him feel light inside, “Are you asking me out?”

“Um, yes?” he said, cheeks red.

“Are you sure this isn’t a pity ask because I have tears on my face and you feel bad?” asked Louis, mostly teasing.

“Of course not!” said Harry, a little too loudly. He blushed again. “You already know I was attracted to you earlier and I was bummed when you said you were waiting for someone but turns out that someone is the scum of the earth-” Louis grinned, “- and I’d really like to replace those bad memories with better ones.” He smirked, “I’m sure I’d be a much better date than what’s-his-face.”

“You already are,” said Louis honestly. “But no offense, I’m no longer in the mood for a date right now, but I’m free tomorrow if you’re free?”

Harry grinned, dimples peeking out. “I’m free.”

“Great.”

They exchanged numbers and then goodbyes (slightly rushed because Harry had left the counter unattended for too long and the man in front was giving them the stink-eye) and Louis took his cupcake (which ended up being delicious) and his pride, and left. He ended up not feeling too upset about Dean, not even when he found out Dean left him on read. On read!! Left him, Louis Tomlinson, on read!

He really was the scum of the earth.

But it was okay, because when Louis and Harry went out ice skating the next day and then to the movies (where Harry let Louis choose and he obviously chose Jennifer Aniston) and then for ice cream, he realized Harry was much more his type anyway. Dare he say, boyfriend material?

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :)
> 
> ALSO: I do not allow translations or repostings of my fics (unless you explicitly ask me and I give you permission). As of now, I've only given one person permission. Respect my rules please.


	2. Chapter 2

**April 2017**

Zayn was pacing. That was not good. 

Louis fidgeted with the collar of his blue button-up, trying to calm his heartbeat. This shouldn’t be stressful. It wasn’t stressful for him until Zayn started pacing, now Louis was getting more and more nervous with each round Zayn made around the living room. He felt nauseous and Liam was arriving in five minutes. 

“Fuck,” said Zayn, rubbing at his eyes. “Fuck, why did I invite him over?”

“You wanted him to meet me?” prompted Louis. “And you wanted to show him your flat?” 

Zayn frowned, “Did I have to do that so quickly? It’s only been four weeks…” 

Louis rolled his eyes, “I don’t like this version of you Z, you need to relax. Your boyfriend is coming over in a few minutes and you really really like him, remember?”

“I do,” said Zayn, nodding firmly. “I do really like him.”

“And you’re going to have a great time tonight,” said Louis, feeling awkward but still attempting to give a good pep talk to his best friend. “Everything is going to work out fine.”

Zayn nodded, still looking unsure but slightly less queasy, “Right. Everything is going to be great. I made his favorite. He’s going to meet you and you’re really easy to love.”

Louis rolled his eyes because Zayn was wrong on so many levels, Louis would know. 

“Everything is going to be fine,” said Zayn. 

“Wanna say that a hundred more times so maybe you’ll believe it?”

Zayn shot him a look just as the doorbell rang. Zayn froze, amber eyes wide, and jaw falling slack. He let out a noise that Louis would definitely be mocking him about after today. “He’s early.”

Louis glanced at the clock, “By one minute.”

Zayn bit his lip. 

“Well?”

Zayn’s eyes slid to Louis, “Well what?”

“Answer the door dumbass!”

“Oh right,” said Zayn, already rushing to the door. He paused to mess with his hair again (even though it was perfectly mussed and soft-looking like always and Zayn looked like some kind of Greek god- like always) before opening the door. “Hey babe.”

Louis stood up, suddenly curious as to what Zayn’s soulmate looked like. He hadn't heard much other than that he was "hot as fuck Lou, hottest guy on earth." Liam stepped into the room, carrying a bouquet in one hand and a bottle of expensive wine in the other- romantic and practical, Louis approved. 

And yes, Louis could admit that Liam was definitely fit. He eyed the way his button-up clung to his enormous biceps, yup Liam was definitely fit enough for his best friend. “Hey babe,” he said, moving to set the items down before he reached to hug Zayn. He had warm brown eyes and closely cropped brown hair. He looked _ kind _ was the thing. Like a really fit softie who lives at the gym- nothing like the type Zayn usually went for, meaning he was exactly the perfect partner for him. Louis liked him already. 

Zayn pulled away from their embrace and glanced at Louis. “Li, I want you to meet Louis.” Louis stepped forward, suddenly feeling really awkward. 

He and Liam made eye contact and Liam beamed- he had an adorable smile. “Louis! I’ve heard a lot of things about you!”

“I don’t know whether to be flattered or concerned,” said Louis dryly. 

Zayn shot him a look, “He’s very sarcastic, ignore that.”

Louis rolled his eyes but decided to cut Zayn some slack. “It’s great to meet you Liam, I’ve heard lots of things about you too- very good things.” 

He and Liam shook hands like a pair of lad friends and somehow Louis managed not to make a fool of himself as they moved to the dining table. Zayn went to check on the food and Louis and Liam made small talk about football and Marvel and other things. Louis did his best to keep away from any topics that may reveal to Liam that he was dating someone who’s flatmate was a freak and he had to say, it wasn’t going too badly. 

Liam was actually really sweet was the thing. Louis didn’t feel like he was playing a complicated game when he talked to him- a feeling that he was all too familiar with. 

They slid between topics easily. They had a light-hearted debate about DC vs Marvel and Liam handled all of Louis’ petty jabs at Batman with a lot of heart. Louis learned that Liam was currently applying to become a fireman, after finishing his training the month before. In turn, Louis informed Liam that he was actually a drama teacher but he was taking a break for this semester and the first of this coming year due to personal issues. Thankfully, Liam didn’t press any further on that. 

“Well Payno,” said Louis, having given Liam the nickname as soon as he learned his last name, “I’ve already guessed you spend a lot of time at the gym- very admirable by the way, I would never brave the dangers of exercising in public- but I was wondering what is it actually you do. I peg you as a weights guy.”

Liam nodded, “I am definitely a weights guy. But I also love cardio and running.”

Louis made a face. Seriously? Who loved running?

“I’ve actually got a special subscription that allows me to bring friends once a week,” said Liam. “So if you're interested, I will definitely help you out.”

Louis blinked, “Are you saying I need to work out?” _ Has Zayn’s boyfriend already noticed how out of shape I am? _He felt a familiar weight in his stomach and his hands felt clammy. 

Liam’s eyes widened, “No, no, no of course not! I was just offering because it often goes unused. I already asked Zayn and one of my flatmates goes with me to do weights sometimes and he also takes the yoga classes… but I was just thinking it’d be nice to offer, it wasn’t meant to be a comment on anything. You seem to be in good shape.” Liam looked very flustered. 

Louis took pity on him, “I’m just messing with you Payno, relax. I know you’re not insulting me, however, I will say that the day I go with you to the gym is a day that will never arrive, but thanks for the offer.” He tacked on a smile at the end (one that hurt his cheeks) in hopes to smooth everything over. 

Liam looked relieved, “Thank god. Accidentally insulting your boyfriend’s roommate and best friend was not on my list of things to do today.” 

“I’d be worried if it was mate,” said Louis. 

He was relieved when Zayn returned and they started dinner. The food was good but Louis wasn’t hungry (not an uncommon occurrence) but he didn’t want to do anything strange in front of Liam so he continued to stuff bites down his throat, trying to hide the disgust in his features as they continued chatting. 

Zayn seemed a lot more comfortable as time went on and Louis was already getting sick of the sweet looks and glances they shared. It felt a little too familiar. 

Then Zayn brought out the dessert and Louis declined his portion as he always did with dessert. Zayn wasn’t surprised, since Louis hadn’t been eating dessert for much longer than Zayn had known him. “You don’t like sweet stuff?” asked Liam. 

Louis smiled, “Not really. I don’t really have the taste for it anymore.”

“Couldn’t be me,” said Liam. “One of my flatmates actually used to work in a bakery.”

Louis froze, before coughing into his fist softly. “Is that so?”

_ “I used to work in a bakery,” said Harry, eyes bright like they always were whenever he met someone knew to share that information with. _

_ “Oh! How nice,” said the receptionist, looking slightly bewildered. “Did you get to bake anything?” _

_ “Well not at first, but eventually yes,” said Harry, before launching into a more descriptive explanation of what his job entailed. _

_ Louis sent the flustered receptionist an apologetic look but he was too fond of Harry’s love of mentioning his previous job to actually interrupt him. Harry had officially resigned from the shop two months before but it was clear he still missed it by the way he mentioned it to everyone everywhere. Niall told Louis he was getting sick of hearing the word bakery but Louis could never tire of anything Harry did or say. _

_ Whipped. He was so whipped. _

“Lou?” asked Zayn. He blinked, vision coming back into focus. “You good?” He realized he had missed whatever Liam had said next and now both of them were looking at him. He blushed lightly. 

“Yeah, sorry I just remembered something,” he said, keeping careful to smooth out his face and hide the panic that was currently festering inside. 

He hated that memories like these always caught him off guard. It had been two years and they had shown no signs of stopping. 

Not that he really wanted them to stop. 

After dinner, Louis retreated to his room to give the love birds some alone time. He closed the door to his room and took a seat on his bed, looking around. It was pretty empty; he had gotten rid of a lot of his stuff when he moved in with Zayn in late December. And it wasn’t like he was in the state to buy anything else. 

There was his bed with a memory foam mattress because the only way Louis would get any sleep at all (on lucky days that is) now was with a good mattress. Then there was nightstand with his phone charger, a lamp, and one framed photo that he couldn’t bear to look at without crying but wouldn’t dare move. He had a dresser and a lavender laundry hamper. Then there was his tiny, cramped closet which he used for out of season stuff and didn’t really open on a daily basis. One of Zayn’s paintings hung on the wall above his bed and a picture of Zayn and him at one of Zayn’s friend’s weddings was on the dresser along with a few pictures of him and his siblings. 

It was then that it hit him that he really didn’t have anything to do without Zayn there to entertain him. He could watch something but everything he watched these days was with Zayn and he didn’t want to continue one of their shows and have Zayn get mad at him (he wouldn’t actually be mad but Louis would feel too guilty). He could watch a movie but movies made him upset and Fifa was out of the question too. He realized that he didn’t really do anything except mope around and wait for Zayn to come home when they were apart. It was a depressing thought. 

Almost as if the universe was taking pity on him, his phone buzzed. The name “Lottie” popped up and Louis felt instantly better. “Hey love,” he greeted. 

“Lou!” was Lottie’s reply. “How are you?”

“Doing better, doing better,” he said. It wasn’t entirely a lie. 

“Good, I’m glad,” said Lottie. “You’re still coming down for the twins’ birthday right?” 

“Of course, I’d never miss it,” said Louis, taking a seat on his bed. “Now, tell me what’s going on with your makeup brand?” 

His sister was launching her own makeup line and Louis couldn’t be prouder. Lottie eagerly caught him up with everything that was happening. It made him happy and relieved to see that Lottie wasn’t falling apart like him. He couldn’t live with himself if Lottie, his brave and beautiful sister, was struggling and he was powerless to help her. Because he was, powerless that is. “I’m so proud of you,” he said, letting the love seep through in his voice. 

“Don’t get all sappy on me,” said Lottie, but she seemed pleased. “I’m proud of you too. I know it’s hard. I miss her too.”

He winced, “Let’s not talk about that now. I’m feeling happier today.”

“Oh yeah? What happened?”

“Zayn’s new boyfriend came for dinner. His name’s Liam and I like him a lot. I think he’s going to be really good for Z,” said Louis. “We get along well.”

“That’s great!” said Lottie. “Who knows, maybe you’ll be next?”

Louis forced a laugh, “I don’t know about that Lotts, but the thought is nice.”

He could hear her sigh through the phone, “When do you think you’ll ever get over him.”

He cringed, “I don’t think I ever will to be quite honest.” 

“Don’t you want to have someone again? You more than anyone I know deserve to be loved by someone great.” 

_ He was someone great. _

“I appreciate that Lottie, but I’ve made my peace with it,” said Louis, fiddling with button-up hem. “If it happens for me, it happens. If it doesn’t…” His voice trailed off. 

“It will,” said Lottie firmly. “If I have anything to say about it.”

Louis rolled his eyes. His sisters were honestly so nosy sometimes. But he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

There was a pause where Lottie stopped to talk to someone on her side, “Shit, sorry Lou I have to go check with my publicist.” 

“No worries, it was good to talk to you,” said Louis. “I love you loads Lottie, can’t wait to see you and the girls soon.”

“Can’t wait to see your stupid face either, my favorite older brother,” said Lottie. “See you soon, love you, byeee!”

Louis placed his phone on the night stand and lay back with a sigh. It was 9:50. On a Wednesday night. It was perfectly reasonable for him to go to sleep now, right? Or at least try to sleep in his case.

He decided it didn’t matter and shut off the light. It wasn’t like anyone was there judging him. He was practically alone. 

-

“Are you ready to get pissed!?” shouted Niall as Harry approached his table at the pub. Niall was dressed in a simple sweatshirt and black jeans. He was also wearing his glasses. Harry raised an eyebrow. Niall shrugged, “Not like I have to pull or anything, being in a relationship rocks.” 

He gave Harry a once over, “You on the other hand… lookin’ good man.”

Harry smirked, “Thanks.” 

He wasn’t exactly in the mood for hooking up with anyone but he decided to dress nice just in case. He was wearing his ripped black skinnies and a sheer white shirt unbuttoned to show his swallows. His hair was soft and curly and he had his rings on. He knew he looked good and he sort of wanted to flaunt it. 

But not without getting drunk first. 

Niall had already gotten their first round, “Next one’s on you H.” 

He nodded, already lining up his first shot. “Today was _ rough _ man.”

“Are you kidding me? You want to talk rough? I had three asshole patients today! Three!” he exclaimed. “And I had double shifts.” He chugged a shot and scowled, “Fuckin’ Ben!”

“Scum of the earth,” agreed Harry, even though he had never met him. 

“How was the studio?” 

Harry groaned, dropping his head on the table. “Don’t remind me. Everyone is stressed out and I still haven’t made any progress on the album. There’s nothing inspiring me right now!”

“You need to get laid,” said Niall solemnly. 

Harry chuckled, taking another shot. “Maybe I should.” He ignored the way his insides twisted- he hadn't actually fully slept with someone in a really long time...

They continued to chat and take shots and after Harry buys the next round, he decides he might as well go out and dance. Maybe he would hook up with someone. Maybe Niall was right. 

He hadn’t hooked up with someone in _ months. _

The crowd was big since it was a Friday night but Harry didn’t really mind the presence of so many bodies. It was a welcome distraction to put all his worries away. 

It doesn’t take time for him to bump into a pretty girl. She’s blonde with a lot of ear piercings and a nose piercing. She has purple lips and Harry thinks in his daze of alcohol that he wouldn’t be opposed to kissing those lips which he ends up doing not five minutes later. 

However, he really wasn’t in the mood for anything after and neither it seemed was she, so they parted their ways and Harry stumbled back to the table. 

Niall raised an eyebrow as he slid into the booth, “Did you get some?” His words seemed as slurred as Harry’s brain. 

Harry shook his head after processing the question. Everything felt fuzzy and warm and it felt nice. He took a swig of Niall’s drink, ignoring his empty protests. It was fruity and Harry made a face. 

“What the fuck is this?”

“A mistake,” said Niall, nodding. Then he started laughing, “I don’t know why I ordered it, it sounded pretty.”

“Tastes ugly,” said Harry. 

Niall laughed again, “Really ugly.” 

Harry took another sip and winced. 

“Nice hickey by the way,” said Niall. Harry frowned and looked down. There was in fact a hickey staring back at him just above his collar bone. 

“That’s funny,” he said slowly. “I don’t remember that.”

“Was she hot?”

“She was… purple,” said Harry, frowning deeper. His head was feeling more and more mushy. “Shots?”

“You bet.”

-

“Harry!” 

“What is it now?” asked Harry, lifting his head from where he was resting it on the taxi window. “Another bird?”

“No, look,” said Niall, pointing out his window to who knows what. 

Harry squinted, his vision blurring before coming somewhat into focus. “What am I looking at?” Right as he asked it, he spotted the building. Sally’s Diner. His eyes widened. “Oh!”

“That’s Liam’s boy’s diner, right?” asked Niall, words coming out slurred together. 

“I think so.”

“Maybe we should get out and see if he’s working.”

“Maybe,” said Harry, but neither of them did anything about it and instead Niall started laughing randomly and then Harry laughed too because it was impossible not to laugh with Niall even if nothing was funny. 

They somehow make it back to the flat in one piece. Liam answered the door, took one look at their faces, and sighed. “Guess I’m playing clean up tonight,” he muttered.

“Love you LiLi,” said Niall, giggling. 

They collapse on the sofa, still laughing about who knows what. 

Harry doesn’t exactly remember anything after that but he does make it into his bed courtesy of Liam who also leaves an aspirin and water on his nightstand. “Nighty night Lima,” said Harry softly as Liam shut off the light. 

“Good night Harry,” said Liam, fondly, before shutting the door. 

Harry blinks and then he’s out like a light, snoring like a chainsaw. 

-

A ringing noise ripped Harry out of his fitful slumber. He sat up in bed, and then immediately groaned as he felt the familiar pounding in his head. He collapsed back in bed and clutched his aching head. Hangover time. 

He decided not to answer his phone but after the final rings died down, it immediately started ringing again. Harry groaned louder before sitting up, guess he wasn’t escaping this. He already knew it was Malcolm. Whenever Malcolm wanted to speak to Harry, he wouldn’t take no for an answer. It was only somewhat annoying, but today it was obnoxious.

“Harry?” he heard, the voice grating on his sensitive ears. 

“What!” he snapped, sounding harsher than he meant to. “Sorry, hey Mal. I’m hungover.”

“Hungover? You went drinking without me?” asked Malcolm, sounding offended. 

Harry winced. Stupid. “Yeah, Niall and I went to the pub, just the two of us. We haven’t hung out like in a while,” he said lamely. “We can go out soon.”

“We better,” said Malcolm. “Sorry, I’m being selfish. I hope you feel better love, take an aspirin yeah?”

Harry lit up, suddenly remembering that Liam was a saint. He switched his phone to his shoulder and grabbed the aspirin, downing it and a large gulp of water and sighing in relief. “Just did, thank god.”

“So,” said Malcolm. “Did you go home with anyone last night?”

“Would I be talking to right now if I did,” he answered, dryly. He didn't know why Malcolm asked to be honest- he didn't exactly have one night stands anymore. 

“What about making out or anything?” 

He took another look at the giant hickey on his chest, “Maybe.” 

“I see.”

“God, not this again.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“It feels like judgement anyway,” he said, annoyed. “I can do whatever I want Mal, leave it alone.”

“You’re right,” said Malcolm, but he didn’t apologize. “Lunch tomorrow? I have a feeling you’re not up for that right now.”

“Yeah sure,” he said. “What time is it anyway?”

“1 o’clock.”

Harry groaned, “Great, I’m going to have to call you back, I’ve got to get dressed and shower and actually be productive.” He needed to call his publicist and check in with the agency about extending his current deadline… again. And he should probably go the gym with Liam. “See you tomorrow at... Florence’s?” 

“Sounds good H. Mwah,” said Malcolm like he always did.

“Yeah, bye,” he said, hanging up. Then he face planted into his pillow again, groaning for the fourth time. “Get up Styles,” he told himself. “Get the fuck up.”

It took him five minutes but he did eventually get up again. 

He drank another glass of water before going to brush his teeth. It was during this task when he looked in the mirror and noticed something written on his hand. His eyes widened, “Fuck.” 

This was not good. 

-

**February 2013**

“Lou!” Louis turned at the familiar and lovely deep voice of Harry Styles. He was coming towards Louis who was perched on the front step of his dorm building, with his hair gelled back and in black skinny jeans that accentuated his mile-long legs. Louis tried not to stare and instead grinned. 

“Hey Haz!” 

“What’re you doing out here?” he asked, upon arriving closer. Louis stood up and Harry immediately wrapped his arms around Louis. He shivered. It had been only eight days since their first day and it was now Valentine’s Day. If someone had told him this would be happening, that he wouldn’t be alone on Valentine’s Day, only a few weeks ago he would have laughed in their faces… and then maybe cried. 

“Waiting for you,” said Louis, blushing. 

Harry grinned wider, and the grip he had around Louis grew tighter as well. Louis had been surprised to see how touchy-feely Harry was with him even though they had only gone on two dates. But he wasn’t complaining, he loved it. They hadn’t kissed yet but they had hugged and held hands and Harry had kissed him on the cheek after the dinner they had a few days ago. 

This wasn’t the first time they had seen each other that day. Harry had came by with flowers and cupcakes in the morning and Louis had gotten him scented candles- not exactly the typical Valentine’s Day gift but Louis knew Harry would appreciate it- he did. 

They were going out to dinner again now but to a fancier place for the special occasion. So Louis was wearing another button up (blue again because Harry said he liked how it matched his eyes), black jeans, and a blazer that coincidentally matched the blazer Harry wore over a white shirt that to Louis’ amazement was only buttoned up half way. He could see the tips of a butterfly tattoo on his lower stomach. He tried not to think about tracing it too much. 

Harry held his hand as they walked to his car. Louis didn’t have a car (he didn’t like driving and cars are expensive) and he really liked the idea of Harry driving him places. He really liked the idea of spending as much time with Harry as possible. It had been less than ten days and Louis was already woefully attached. They hadn’t talked about anything yet. They were together but were they boyfriends?

Boyfriend.

Could Harry be his boyfriend? He desperately wanted him to be. But how to breach the subject? Louis was too nervous and too scared of rejection to say anything. 

They reached the car and Louis slid into the passenger seat and Harry into the driver's seat. Harry put on his typical hippie music that Louis already loved to make fun of even though he secretly didn’t mind it. 

When Fleetwood Mac came on, Harry began humming and then crooning the lyrics of Go Your Own Way. He had a voice like honey, deep and comforting, and Louis felt relaxed as he leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes. 

-

Dinner went well and Louis spent the time telling Harry about his sisters, his classes, and other random things that normally Louis wouldn’t bother mentioning because they didn’t seem important but what Harry seemed to love. “The little things are important,” he had said when Louis had apologized for being boring. “I really like hearing stuff about you or your day, Lou, don’t stop.” 

Harry in turn told him about his sister Gemma and how he was still deciding what his major was going to be but it would probably be in music. He told Louis about his dorm mate, Niall, and how they got along really well. “I think you’d like him.”

“He sounds great,” said Louis. “My roommate doesn’t really talk to me.” He shrugged even though it kind of hurt. He had tried to become friends or at least have civil conversations with his roommate, Alex, but he tended to either ignore Louis or glare at him whenever they happened to be in the room at the same time. He also always had friends or his girlfriend over which was awkward. When Louis had still been dating his last boyfriend, Aiden, he had spent as much time as possible at his apartment but then things went south. “I’m actually planning on getting my own flat next year,” he said. 

Harry’s eyes lit up, “I could help you look!” He blushed, “If that’s okay and you want my help?”

“Of course I’d want your help Haz,” said Louis, fondly. It was endearing how Harry seemed to worry as much as Louis did about how things came across. 

Harry paid the bill because Louis had paid last time and they agreed it would be best to alternate, then after a nice stroll through a nearby park, they drove back (Harry’s hand on Louis’ thigh the entire way back). 

“I just wanted to say,” started Harry as they reached Louis’ dorm building. “I’m really glad I met you, Lou.”

“I’m just as glad,” said Louis, before reaching in to hug Harry. Harry was so huggable, it wasn’t his fault. He immediately bent down and wrapped his arms around Louis’ torso, supporting him so he didn’t have to reach up to Harry’s height. Louis didn’t meet many people that bent down for him. Not that he was short. 

He was 5’9 (almost), thank you very much. A perfectly decent height for a man. 

Harry loosened his hold for a second and their eyes met. Green eyes latched onto his. Harry had the prettiest eyes Louis had ever seen in his life. Bright, wide, and deep. When Harry looked at you, you were the only thing he was paying attention to. It was a nice feeling. Louis’ eyes then dropped to Harry’s mouth. His pink, soft lips. “Lou,” Harry said, voice deeper than usual. One of his hands came to cup Louis’ face and his breath faltered. He caressed Louis’ cheek and Louis’ eyes fluttered shut. “Can I kiss you?”

Louis shivered, eyes still shut as he nodded. 

Harry was going to kiss him. 

Holy fuck. 

Everything seemed to stop as Harry’s lips met his. They were just as soft as he imagined. His grip on Harry’s shoulders tightened, before he slid his arms around his neck. He curled a hand into Harry's curls and nearly melted- they were just as soft and wonderful as he expected. Harry made an approving sound as Louis stroked his hair. He kept one hand on Louis’ cheek and the other arm wrapped entirely around Louis’ middle. The fact that he could do that shouldn’t be as hot as it was. 

Louis’ lips parted and he felt Harry’s tongue slip into his mouth. And of fucking course, Harry Styles was a good kisser. The best kisser Louis has ever had, probably. 

He tasted like the chocolate cake they had for dessert. 

When Harry pulled away, Louis was blushing and Harry was grinning. They were still wrapped together and it felt right. All of this felt right. Like Louis was only meant to kiss Harry. They fit together. Louis knew then, at that moment, that he was going to fall head over heels for Harry. And maybe, Harry would fall head over heels for him right back. 

“Good night Lou,” whispered Harry finally, words breaking the sacred silence that had settled over their little bubble. He leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss on Louis’ forehead. Louis exhaled, cheeks still burning as Harry’s curls brushed his temple. Harry pressed feather light kisses over his red cheeks. “Cute.” 

Louis ducked his head, before reaching up and giving Harry one last peck, “Night Haz.” 

“Text me.”

“I will.” 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I can’t wait," he said, hooking his head over Harry's shoulder. 

They were meant to be parting words, but neither of them let go. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think my schedule for posting right now will stick with Tuesdays, however, I do intend to get up an extra chapter by either Saturday or Sunday at the latest this week because I have a day off! 
> 
> In the next chapter we get more of Louis' family and how they're all coping with Jay's death. 
> 
> Remember to comment and give feedback! TPWK :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this would be up Saturday but unexpected events caused the posting of it to be delayed until today. I apologize and I hope it's enjoyable despite the late posting.

**May 2017**

“Are you ready to go?” asked Zayn, peeking his head into Louis’ room. 

“Yeah,” said Louis, grabbing his bag and standing up. 

“Calvin’s almost here,” said Zayn. 

“I know,” said Louis, walking past him. “In case you didn’t know, I actually keep in touch with my friends, especially the ones I’ve known since I was three years old.” 

“Could’ve fooled me, you’re the most antisocial person I’ve met and I’ve met myself.”

Louis flipped him off. 

He couldn’t be mad that Zayn basically forced Calvin to drive to London and pick Louis up only to drive them both back to Donny because he didn’t trust Louis to drive the few hours to Donny by himself, not when it had been ages since he had seen one of his oldest and bestest friends. And especially not because he still feels guilty. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever stop being guilty. 

Louis’ phone buzzed with Calvin’s text: _ Downstairs, coming up. _

“He’s here,” said Louis right as the doorbell rang. 

Louis opened the door and there was Calvin all his familiar glory. Blue eyes, floofy hair, and hands in the pockets of his jeans, “Hey L.” 

“Cal,” he said, and then hugged his friend. Calvin huffed but hugged him back like he always did. 

Louis turned to Zayn who already had his worry face on, “You sure you have everything?”

Louis rolled his eyes, “Yes Z, and even if I didn’t- I have half my stuff at Mark’s house anyway.” 

“You’re going to be okay?” asked Zayn. “That you’ll be safe?” 

“Jesus christ, it’s the twins’ birthday not_ war, _” said Louis. “Doncaster is the least dangerous place I could go.”

“But-”

“Z,” said Louis, putting a hand on Zayn’s arm and squeezing gently. “I’ll be fine. I’ll text you when I get there and I’ll be back in two days.” 

Zayn frowned and nodded, “Tell the girls happy 14th for me, alright?”

“Will do.”

“And have fun.”

“I will.”

“Be happy.”

Louis pursed his lips, “I’ll try.”

Zayn sighed and turned to Calvin who had been respectfully quiet for the entire conversation, “Take care of him.”

“Cal’s not my babysitter,” muttered Louis. 

“I will,” said Calvin anyway, just to appease Zayn. 

“Let’s go then?” asked Louis, eager to go on the road and see his family. Daisy and Phoebe were 14 tomorrow- the thought was terrifying. He was trying not to think about how their celebration would be missing another important someone. The most important someone. 

“Alright, bye,” said Zayn, pulling him in for one last extremely tight hug. 

“Yeah, yeah, love you Z,” said Louis, wincing. “Ouch, let me go, you’re crushing my fragile bones.” 

Zayn swatted him, “See you in two days, Lou, love you too.”

“Okay, bye then,” said Louis, grabbing his stuff once again and following Calvin out the door. He could feel Zayn’s eyes on them as they walked down the hallway, all the way to the elevator. “I know you’re going to use this as an excuse to invite Liam over!” called Louis behind him, grinning. 

“Fuck you!”

“Not me, Liam!” yelled Louis, without looking back. The elevator doors opened and he and Calvin entered. He was going home now. A blessing and a curse. 

-

Despite his worries, the trip ended being lovely. Louis saw Mark and all the girls. Doris and Ernest were with Dan but they’d be coming by the next day for Daisy and Phoebe’s party and Louis couldn’t wait to see them. 

After Louis unpacked everything, Calvin and Louis went out to the club to see Oli, Stan, and Oli’s new girlfriend who Louis knew from secondary school. They had a good time even though Louis didn’t drink (he wasn’t allowed to and the thought of disappointing Zayn was enough to turn down Calvin’s offer to not tell). He hadn’t seen either of them since December and darker times so it was nice to catch up. Calvin had always been the most he was most in touch with. He and Oli talked on the phone quite a bit and Stan and him played cup pong on imessage games occasionally with a facetime thrown in from time to time for kicks, but it was still strange to hear about everything they’ve been doing these past few months.

Louis felt a little disconnected and vowed to be a better friend. 

Oli's girlfriend seemed sweet too, and their conversation went alright. Louis couldn’t help but bask in the niceness of talking to someone who didn’t know him and what he had gone through, especially since Zayn told Liam about Jay and how hard it hit Louis the last time the three of them went out (movies). Louis had been annoyed at first but he also knew that Zayn didn’t want Liam to accidentally say something that would trigger him or make him uncomfortable. And Liam had taken it well for the most part. Louis still wasn’t looking forward to the pitying and sympathetic looks he knew he’d get now every time they interacted. 

He put that out of his mind and enjoyed his time with his oldest friends. By the time he returned to the house just after midnight, Lottie had arrived and once she had attacked him with many cuddles (which he desperately needed but would never admit), they sat down and talked for a while. 

The next day was dedicated to Daisy and Phoebe- who were now 14. Louis got a little emotional seeing them blow out the candles. They celebrated first with the family: Louis, Lottie, the twins, Ernie & Doris, Mark, Dan, and one of their aunts. Louis couldn’t hold back the tears when he saw that Mark had left an empty chair at the table for Jay. He had given the girls make up as gifts and they hugged him tight and he promised them that he would do better- come back more often, text them more, be a better big brother. 

Daisy had stepped away and sternly said, “You’re the best older brother in the entire world Lou, shut up!” 

He loved his sisters. 

After lunch, the girls’ friends from school arrived. Louis didn’t know many of them save for Holly who they’d known for ages but he approved of the way they made his sisters smile. Calvin, Stan, and Oli popped in to give warm wishes to the girls and hang out with Louis a little more. Everything went really well and Louis didn’t feel quite as panicked as he had expected, even if the missing presence of his mum greeting everyone and teasing the twins and making him help set up snacks and bring them around like a waiter shocked him. 

By dinner, all that was left was the family, Holly, and Fizzy’s new boyfriend who Louis took great pleasure in interrogating with the help of Dan and Mark. He wasn’t a terrible big brother after all. 

Fizzy was embarrassed but by the end of it, she was cackling as the boy- Marty or Michael or something- looked pale and worried. “You’re all twats,” she said, rolling her eyes fondly. 

Mark reprimanded her halfheartedly, eyes twinkling. 

The next day he spent relaxing. He and Calvin played footy with Mark and Fizzy (the only one of his sisters to appreciate the gift that was football) and he let the twins attack his face with their new makeup (an experience that he will always look back on with horror). 

He also got a little emotional when Fizzy hugged him tighter before going to bed, “Don’t leave us for so long this time Louis, we miss you. We miss you big brother.” 

Louis squeezed her back, “I miss my girls too. I promise I’ll come back soon. Maybe you lot can up to London. I’ll get Z to give up his room, he’ll be pissed but he’ll give in because he loves you guys.”

Fizzy smirked, “We’re very lovable.” 

“That you are Fiz.” 

“Who knows, maybe I can help you find a hot date,” she said, waggling her eyebrows. 

Louis flinched, but kept his expression neutral, “I don’t know about that one girly, you’re only 16. I don’t even want to know what type of person you’d pick.” Inside he felt faint. The idea of dating scared him. How can he date again when looking at his reflection in the mirror disgusted him? 

The answer was no. No way. 

Louis would not date again. Maybe not ever. 

-

“God damn it, I hate Saturdays,” said Malcolm dramatically. 

Harry raised an eyebrow over his salad, “Um everything alright Mal?”

“Today is _ awful _,” he said, glowering. Malcolm looked put together as he always did: blonde hair brushed and arranged artfully, dressed in fancy but understated slacks and a mostly unbuttoned shirt, and hands adorned with rings very much like Harry’s own. His lips also seemed to be painted in lipstick. Some traditional assholes had already sent them some very judgemental looks which made Harry want to roll his eyes. It was 2017! Clothes and makeup didn’t have genders! Get over it!

“Awful how?” he asked, taking another bite from his salad. He was used to Malcolm being dramatic. He actually kind of enjoyed it. It took his mind off of whatever he was currently stressed/annoyed/concerned about. 

“For starters, I got my order of those boots I was talking about yesterday, the leather ones? They came but they’re too big for my dainty feet,” said Mal, scowling. Harry nearly choked at the “dainty” comment but hid it quickly. “And then my stupid ass landlord was being a bitch this morning. Maybe I should move to your guys’ building. Any open spots?”

Harry shrugged, “Not that I know of, but maybe.” He tried to ignore the fact that the thought of Malcolm moving into their building didn’t ignite any joy inside him like the news of one of your closest friends wanting to move close to you should. 

“How about your songwriting, find any inspirations lately?” asked Malcolm. 

Harry groaned, “No, I’m completely inspiration-less.”

“I could be your muse,” said Malcolm with an exaggerated wink. 

Harry burst out laughing and Malcolm followed after a moment. “I’ll write a song about your Gucci suits and gold tongue piercing.” Malcolm stuck out his tongue, where indeed a little gold stud blinked at him, and feigned flipping his hair. 

“It’ll be a hit,” he said. 

Harry rolled his eyes fondly. He understood why Niall and others didn’t get their friendship- despite their similar fashion styles, they didn’t have much in common. But Malcolm got Harry in a way even Niall didn’t. He was there for him at one of the hardest points in his life- when he was broken and crying on that life-changing January morning two years before. He had been there for him every day after that and was always the first to reassure Harry. 

To comfort him and build him back up after his ex broke his heart. 

Harry would always be grateful to him for that. 

Plus it was always nice to have a friend that was into the more expensive and elite of his hobbies: going to fashion shows, art exhibits, and other fancy events that made Niall want to smother himself in Target clothing and Liam very awkward and uncomfortable. 

Harry liked those things and he also liked going to the movies or to the park or just staying home and watching Netflix. 

“What about you?” he asked. “What’s going on with that modeling gig you accepted? The magazine one?”

“Shooting starts Monday,” said Malcolm. “Except I heard that they hired that backstabbing bitch Kendall. The _ audacity _!” 

Harry refrained from reacting too obviously. He knew Kendall. She and him didn’t have much in common and she had also tried to flirt with Harry when he was taken (she was drunk to be fair), but she wasn’t exactly a backstabbing bitch and Harry didn’t recall her doing anything to Malcolm. He would have ranted about it to Harry for ages if she had. He didn’t say anything though. 

Malcolm just liked gossip. He liked the rumors and the drama. He lived off it. 

It didn’t really make him a bad person… 

They finished their food and Malcolm paid despite Harry’s huffing. “I’m paying next time,” warned Harry. 

Malcolm scoffed, “We don’t have to keep track, Harold! Let me treat you.” 

Harry smiled. “You treat me plenty well.”

Malcolm winked, “I know. I’m the best non-boyfriend you’ve ever had, what a shame you didn’t snatch me up.” 

He meant it as a joke but Harry still flinched. There wasn’t even any undertone in the comment, but Harry couldn’t help it. It wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t completely over what happened between them a few months before- not a pleasant memory. 

Finding out one of your best friends who you only see as a best friend is in love with you would never be pretty, and even though Malcolm is over him now, Harry is still sensitive to things between them. He always made sure things didn’t come across murky in the waters of friends vs something more. 

“I’m just kidding,” said Malcolm, noticing the discomfort. “I shouldn’t have said that, sorry.”

“No, I’m the one being overly-sensitive. It’s been ages, you’ve gotten over it and I should too,” said Harry. “So any new modelling gossip? What happened with that girl Mara?” It was a desperate attempt to change the topic even though Harry didn’t really care about Mara and whether or not she’s been sleeping with the higher-ups to get better gigs.

Malcolm happily delved in however, and Harry tried to relax. 

He and Malcolm were best friends. Best friends. 

-

**March 2017**

Zayn was in a rush. He ducked around shoppers and manuevered around different aisles, trying to get to the right in as quickly as possible. It might have been futile- Louis was still at the flat, sobbing, without his tea, and Zayn was still here at Tesco’s, three blocks away, trying to get the tea, and failing at not worrying about his best friend. 

He probably looked like a maniac. He was wearing old sweats, a worn-out, black Sally’s shirt he had gotten upon becoming an employee years ago and was now demoted to a sleep shirt, and a black Batman beanie over his mussed hair. One lady shot him a weird look. Could be his clothes or his skin color- either way, Zayn couldn’t give two fucks. 

He finally made it to the tea aisle, and made a beeline to the Yorkshire tea that Louis was so fond of. Right as he reached for a container, a metal cart rammed into his back and he keeled over. Pain erupted in his ribs. “What the fuck!” 

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry!” exclaimed an extremely apologetic voice. 

Zayn clutched his aching torso and whirled around, ready to give this unknown stranger a piece of his mind. “Watch where you’re ramming that-” He froze.

Shit. Cart rammer was hot as fuck. 

Tall, soft brown hair, wide and warm brown eyes, and arms with the amount of definition Zayn would love to capture in paint. And best of all. He was wearing a fucking Batman shirt. 

Fucking Batman!

“I’m so so sorry, I didn’t see you! That’s not an excuse, I’m such as asshole, are you alright?” He said it lightning fast and Zayn barely got any of it. He just stared. 

After a moment of awkward silence in which Sexy Stranger was still staring at him in concern, hopefully because of his ribs and not because Zayn was currently staring slack-jawed in awe of him, Zayn spoke, “Yeah, I’m good man, no worries.” 

He realized then that he was wearing sweats and an old shirt and nearly cringed. _ Shut the fuck up, you’re Zayn fucking Malik. You can flirt with cute guys in your pyjamas. _

“Are you sure?” the stranger asked again, hands gripping his offending cart tightly. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m great,” said Zayn. “Zayn.”

“Liam,” said the stranger, sounding relieved. And then he smiled. 

Fuck. 

He looked like a puppy. An adorable but somehow sexy puppy. This was not good. 

“Nice to meet you,” said Zayn slyly.

Liam grinned, “Nice beanie.”

“Nice shirt,” replied Zayn and then, “I always like a guy who appreciates DC.” 

Liam’s mouth opened in a little ‘o’ and then he blushed. Fucking blushed! Zayn was so gone. Louis would never let him live this down. 

Louis. 

Shit. 

Before Liam could say something, Zayn blurted, “I have to go, but can I get your number?”

Liam jaw dropped. 

“This is like really quick and I normally don’t do this but my friend needs me right now,” he said, feeling embarrassed. What was he thinking? It had barely even been a conversation. 

So he was pretty shocked when Liam immediately said, “Yes.”

Zayn smiled and then Liam handed him his phone. He put in his number under “Zayn”. 

“Maybe we could go on a date?” asked Liam. “Watch the first Batman movie? I know where we can rent a cinema room to have a private screening?” 

“Sounds fun to me,” said Zayn, giving his phone back.

This was fast, really fast, but Zayn didn’t really mind. Liam was hot, nice, and he liked Batman. He took a quick glance at his cart- he also ate healthy, that was definitely not Zayn’s thing but maybe he’d start eating healthier by association? 

He grabbed a container of Louis’ tea, praying nothing bad happened just because he got distracted. “Thanks Liam, see you soon.”

“The sooner the better,” said Liam, before blushing. “Bye Zayn.”

Zayn sent him one last smile (the smoldering one that Louis said made him look like one of those Bollywood guys) before walking away. 

This was not how he expected this trip to go, but he couldn’t be mad about it. Especially when he found Louis at their flat in one piece, mostly calmed down from his earlier panic attack. 

Since his last girlfriend, Zayn hadn't really been looking for something serious. However, he was definitely looking to give this guy a chance. 

He had a feeling that it was going to be something great. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I intend to post another chapter by Sunday evening this week (but it may not happen because I'm camping until Sunday morning so we'll see) and then every Wednesday following because that works better for me than Tuesdays as of now. 
> 
> ALSO, as of right now, this fic is shaping up to be around 35-40 chapters, depending on which route I take with the story. Either way, it's a slow burn- A REALLY SLOW SLOW BURN. So you're going to have to be patient for them to get together again and even when they are together, there'll be some growth needed for them to be amazing again. Time has passed, things have changed, and they need to get on the same page (Louis also needs to grow a lot and Harry, while meant to be a major support for him, cannot fix Louis- Louis needs to fix himself). 
> 
> ONE MORE THING: Stuff like their jobs and etcetera are all meant to be vague as possible because I don't want that to take away from the main story (this is already going to be ridiculously long) and also I know nearly nothing about hospitals, nursing, singers and their behind the scenes stuff, or teaching when that becomes a thing later on.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the lesson of the day is that you cannot trust anything I say, oops. This is days late and I literally have no excuse. I apologize. The day is Wednesdays from now on by the way and I'm not going to make the same mistake by trying to post more than one chapter a week because that obviously did not work out.

**May 2017**

Harry was ready. Liam was not ready, but that didn’t matter, because it was finally happening. Harry and Niall were finally meeting Liam’s elusive boyfriend. Zayn was his name. Harry was excited. He had been trying to pry information about him from Liam for _ weeks _ to no avail but now all his questions would be answered. 

They were having dinner at a new place which was conveniently located near Harry’s studio which meant he was actually the first to arrive to see a very stressed looking Liam. “Y’alright Li?”

Liam jumped, and then groaned, “I’m nervous but I don’t know why. Everything’s going to be fine. I know he’ll like you guys. I shouldn’t be worried.”

“Your significant other meeting your friends is always tough,” said Harry sympathetically. 

“Meeting your significant other’s friends is tough too,” said Liam. 

“Have you met any of his friends yet?”

“I met his flatmate and he’s pretty great- really sarcastic and a little shit sometimes, but he’s a good guy,” said Liam. “He calls me Payno and loves Marvel which is a bonus.”

Harry rolled his eyes. The way Liam got about Marvel was kind of ridiculous. Sometimes he felt like the only one in his friend group who wasn’t obsessed with those characters. Louis would always-

He choked on his next breath, heart racing. Not a good time to suddenly remember something. Liam gave him a concerned look. 

“I just remembered something,” said Harry, clearing his throat. 

“Haz and Leeyum!!” called Niall. The Irish man was looking a lot brighter and more relaxed now that Ben was back on his shift and Barbara, his girlfriend, had graduated from her Master’s Program, freeing up her time considerably for them to be their power-couple selves once again. Harry had gone to the ceremony with Niall and dealt with all the tears and cheering Niall let out. 

Harry got up to hug him but Liam was so tense, all he could do was smile and nod. “When’s the man of the hour arriving?” asked Niall, wiggling his eyebrows. 

Liam glanced at his phone, “In like a minute. Shit.”

Harry and Niall exchanged a look. Liam rarely ever cursed which meant they needed to step up on best friend duties. “Everything’s going to go smoothly Li,” he said. “Plus this guy obviously adores you, and who can blame him?”

“I know, I know,” said Liam, clawing at his hair. “I just really like him. Like really really like him! I can see a future with him- I’ve never felt that before.” 

Harry felt a pang which he tried to ignore (or at least tamp down because in reality the longing for a life partner who he’d spend the rest of his life with would never disappear). 

“I’m sure he feels the same,” said Niall. A waitress appeared with a bowl of breadsticks and a light switched on in the Irishman’s head. “Breadsticks! Fuck yeah!” 

And then. Liam audibly gasped. Harry whipped around, eyes searching out whoever was coming their way- Liam’s boyfriend. 

He blinked as a stranger approaches them, a shy smile on his face. 

Damn.

The stranger had dark hair, warm caramel skin, and amber eyes all on a face with cheekbones that could cut glass. He sort of looked like someone straight out of a Greek myth. In other words: immensely attractive. Liam really scored with this one. 

“Zayn,” said Liam, standing up and hugging him. 

Zayn beamed at him and Harry immediately knew that he was a good guy. There was adoration and potential for love in that look. It warmed his heart. 

“Hey Li,” said Zayn, before turning to an eager Harry and Niall. “You must be Liam’s flatmates.”

Harry stood up and offered his hand which Zayn shook, “I’m Harry, it’s so nice to finally meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too Harry.”

Niall was next, “Liam has been talking about you nonstop for the past month and a half and I have to say- I’m not disappointed.” Liam blushed, Harry stifled a laugh, and Zayn looked a mixture between smug and embarrassed. “I’m Niall, Liam’s favorite flatmate.” 

Harry gasped. “Lies!”

“Not right now, that’s for sure,” said Liam, ushering Zayn into a seat. “That’s the only time you need to embarrass me tonight, Ni.” 

“We’ll see about that,” said Niall, taking a bite out of his breadstick. “The night is young and I have a _ lot _ of stories.”

“Trust me, I definitely want to hear them,” said Zayn, and Liam groaned. 

-

Louis was not doing too hot. 

Zayn was out with Liam and Liam’s flatmates who he was meeting for the first time, leaving Louis alone on a Friday night, bored, and itching to smoke. Except he couldn’t because he didn’t have any cigarettes. Zayn had hidden them somewhere. 

He clenched his fists again, trying to think of something- anything else. 

It didn’t work. 

Louis was sitting on the couch, Friends playing on the TV in front of him. Friends always made him feel better but it wasn’t doing it now. He felt jittery, out of control. He needed to smoke. Needed it to balance him and keep him sane. 

_ Deep breaths. Jesus christ, you’re 25 years old, you can wait a few hours. _

He inhaled deeply, held it, and slowly exhaled before repeating it again and again. He pretended Zayn was there with him, coaxing him through the exercises. “In and out, in and out Lou, good job. You’ve got it.” 

But Zayn wasn’t here and Louis was broken beyond repair. He clenched and unclenched his fists, eyes watering. He was so pathetic. He had assured Zayn that he’d be fine for a few hours without him today, and now here he was, not even an hour into his isolation, and already crumbling. Pathetic. 

His stomach was growling, but it didn’t process in his mind. He’d wait until Zayn came back. In this moment, getting up and finding something edible in their fridge was the hardest thing he could think of doing. 

A tear ran down his cheek, and dripped onto his jumper. He released a shaky breath. He needed to call someone. Not Zayn, he would never tear him away from his one break from Louis’ madness. Lottie would probably be busy. 

If it had been before, he would have called his mum. 

But he couldn’t. 

It hit him like a freight train and then he was bawling. He keeled over on the couch, and clutched his knees to his chest. His mum was gone and he’d never get to call her again. 

She was gone gone gone. 

Louis was lost lost lost. 

The events that occured after were a blur in his mind. 

-

**March 2013**

Louis was kind of nervous. 

He was at Harry’s dorm. It was small as dorms were, but Harry's side was warm and cozy with fairy lights and pictures he had taken himself adorning the walls- pictures of family, friends, and random pretty things. They were both sitting on Harry’s bed, arms and legs touching, so close they only had to whisper to speak. Harry had his laptop propped up on his legs and they were watching Love Actually. It was Harry’s favorite movie and that’s-

Well it’s fucking adorable. 

Harry wasn't just a fan of the film, he was entranced by it. Green eyes intensely fixed on the screen, mouth moving along with the lines as Hugh Grant and Kiera Knightley and a bunch of other famous actors fell in love and dealt with other issues along the way. To be honest, Louis wasn’t paying the most attention which was odd because a childhood of watching rom-coms with his mum and younger sisters made him a sucker for a good love stories- or in this case, multiple love stories. 

He was a little distracted from the events of the story however by a panic running through his head. 

Seeing Harry and how much he loved this movie and how he still kept glancing at Louis, trying to make sure he’s having a good time. He also snuck his arm around Louis’ waist, and pulled him close. Normally Louis hated watching movies as dates because it would end up not being as intimate and more like hanging out with a friend- but with Harry it felt special. Harry was special.

He could see them dating a really long time. 

However, he didn’t exactly know if he was alone in that thought and that’s what scared him. See, they never officially labelled themselves as a couple. Louis didn’t know if they were boyfriends or just seeing each other. They’ve kissed multiple times already and that’s nice (kissing Harry is really nice) but there has been no conversation. 

Once he was aware of this dilemma, he felt uncomfortable. 

He needed to bring it up, maybe later after the movie when they ordered take out. He was afraid. What if Harry didn’t like Louis as much as Louis liked Harry. Because Louis _ really _liked Harry. Fuck. 

“Lou?” 

Louis froze. Harry was giving him a concerned look. He paused the movie and turned to face him, “Everything alright?”

One thing Louis had learned very quickly about Harry was how perceptive and aware he was of everyone around him. It was charming but also dangerous for situations such as this. 

He nodded, and forced a smile, “Yeah, sorry, just got distracted.”

Harry frowned, “You can talk to me, Lou. Are you sure?”

Louis hesitated. He didn’t want to scare him off… But Harry was looking at him with genuine concern and curiosity. “Uh, I was just wondering… Do we have a label for what we’re doing???” 

He felt stupid when Harry frowned, “You mean dating?”

“So we are dating?” he asked, trying to mask some of the surprise in his voice. That was easier than expected. 

“Yes,” said Harry, looking confused. “What did you think this was?”

Louis bit his lip, feeling embarrassed. 

Harry noticed and softened, “Lou, I want nothing else than for you to be my boyfriend.” 

Louis blushed, “I want you to be my boyfriend too.”

Harry grinned, and then pulled him into his chest, arms wrapping around him, “You idiot. I can’t believe you thought I wasn’t trying to date you for these past few weeks.”

Louis felt warmth bloom in his chest and feigned a shocked look, “You’ve been wooing me this whole time Harold!”

Harry nosed at his neck and Louis could feel his grin, “It seemed to have worked.”

Louis scoffed, “We’ll see about that. I might be slowly seduced by your curls but only time will tell.”

“I’ll do anything,” said Harry and even though they were both joking, it sent a burst of happiness inside him. 

“You’re something special Styles,” he murmured. 

Harry pecked him on the lips, “You’re even better Tomlinson.” Then he moved them around so Louis’ head rested on his shoulder, “Now let’s finish this movie. I know you haven’t been paying attention so we’re rewatching this another time.”

Louis rolled his eyes. “Only if we get to watch Grease first.”

“Is that the one with Natalie Wood?”

Louis sputtered, “Harold!”

Harry had the decency to look sheepish. Louis was amazed. How could someone not know the amazingness of Grease, the best movie/musical ever created? Maybe he was biased due to him playing Danny Zuko in his school's production but that was besides the point. He made a mental point to correct this error as soon as humanly possible. 

"We're watching it next time," he vowed. "And I'm making you listen to the entire soundtrack."

Harry's eyebrows raised dramatically, "There's music too?"

Louis shook his head, “Is it too late to break up with you?”

Harry frowned (putting on what Louis called his frog face), “Yes, it's too late, you’re stuck with me for a long, long time.”

The comment shouldn’t have made Louis as happy as it did.

-

**May 2017 (later that evening)**

Louis was lying on the kitchen floor when he heard the telltale sounds of the door being unlocked. “Louis?” called Zayn’s familiar voice. Louis groaned, eyes still shut. “I’m back from-”

He stopped abruptly and let out an un-Zayn-like noise. Louis winced. 

“Louis!” he called again, panic leaching into his voice. Louis opened his mouth, and tried to answer but no words came out. “Louis, I swear to god!” 

He heard Zayn as he ran into the kitchen, slamming doors shut. “Louis!”

He opened his eyes and once again tried and failed to speak. Zayn was still a flurry of movement. Louis understood. He would be worried too if he came home to his flat and saw the mess Louis had created. Louis didn't remember the events of the past hour that well. He had a panic attack, that much was clear. He remembers throwing stuff too. 

That was not good. 

“Louis where the fuck are you!” Zayn flew into the hallway where he stopped abruptly and fell to his knees just a few steps from where Louis lay. “Louis! You can’t just…” He dropped his head into his head and released a shaky breath. 

Guilt pooled in Louis’ stomach but he didn’t move- couldn’t move. He was exhausted and his limbs felt like lead. 

When Zayn lifted his head, there were tears tracking down his face. Something crumbled inside Louis. He was awful for making Zayn worry. 

“I can’t believe… I thought- I thought you were…” his words trailed off but both of them knew what he was going to say. _ I thought you gave in. _

Then Zayn crawled over to him and collapsed on top of him. Louis didn’t even complain about the extra weight, just wrapped his arms around Zayn’s heaving shoulders and curled his hands in his hair. “I.. I’m sorry Z,” he whispered, voice scratchy. “I’m so sorry.” 

Zayn didn’t answer, but he squeezed him tighter. “Don’t ever leave me. Promise you won’t ever.”

Louis has heard this before. He’s also promised before multiple times but he did it again for Zayn’s sake, “I promise, if you promise you won’t ever let me break.”

Zayn pulled back and fixed Louis with a stern glare, “You’re not broken Louis Tomlinson, you’re healing.”

“I am though, I’m broken,” said Louis, voice still quiet. He thought of his sisters and of Calvin and everyone else that will never look at him the same way. He thought of the look in their eyes after January, the cold awareness and fear that was always present whenever they spoke to him. “I mean it. Promise me Zayn. I don’t… I don’t want to go, promise me you’ll make sure I never do.”

“I promise,” said Zayn immediately. “I’m so glad Lou, I’m so glad.”

“Yeah well I guess not wanting to off myself is kind of a big deal,” said Louis, sarcastically. 

“It is.”

“Yeah,” he admitted. “Yeah I guess so.”

“I won’t let you break,” said Zayn, hugging him again. One of his hands came to lightly run through Louis’ fringe. “You’re my best friend, one of my favorite people. It’s you and me Lou, it’ll always be me and you first.”

Louis resisted the inner urge to correct him. _ What about Liam? What about the person you’re inevitably going to marry and love forever? What happens to me then? _

As if reading his mind, Zayn said, “You know I’d stay with you forever right? Just you and me.” What he meant is that he’d stay single for Louis forever. 

“I’d never let you.”

“Yeah I know,” said Zayn, frowning. “I would still do it.” 

“Life would be much easier if we were in love and together.”

Zayn feigned offense, “Are you saying our love is a lie? Don’t you love me?”

Even though he was joking, Louis still said, “I do. I love you. I love you more than I love myself.” His voice cracked on the last part, and it was like a barrier fell away and then he was crying again. And Zayn was holding him. Holding him together like he always did, keeping him from breaking apart. 

-


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I'm sorry in advance)

**May 2017 (next week)**

“You cheater!” exclaimed Liam, eyes wide as Louis flew down the field with the ball, laughing. 

“Louis plays dirty babe, I told you!” yelled Zayn from the side. 

Louis flipped him off before scoring his third goal in the past twenty-five minutes, pulling him ahead of Liam’s two. He hadn’t played 1v1 in a long, long time but it felt good. Really good. 

Liam was scowling when he got the ball back, and Louis just gave him a grin. He would catch onto the way Louis played eventually. 

“Alright Payno?” said Louis, not feeling guilty at all. 

Liam rolled his eyes but he was more amused if anything, “Alright Louis, I’ll be even better when you lose.” Then he took off before Louis could fully react. Louis huffed and followed, appreciating his smaller size for once only because it allowed him to quickly duck next to Liam and steal the ball. Liam didn’t give up though. They shoved and elbowed each other, laughing the entire time. 

Louis felt light and free. He was grinning and it didn’t feel forced.

He could almost feel Zayn’s pleased expressions from the sidelines where he was sitting on a lawn chair reading some art book. 

Louis kicked Liam in the shin (gently… sort of) and took off with the ball as Liam yelped. “For god’s sake Liam, keep up!” he yelled behind him, just because he was a little shit. 

“You can quit anytime babe!” said Zayn helpfully.

“No way, I’m taking him down,” vowed Liam and then suddenly he was right behind Louis. Damn it. Curse Liam and his frequent cardio days. Louis lost possession for a second and nearly rammed into Liam in effort to get him back but apparently he had learned _ something _in the past half an hour and he moved out of range. Louis huffed and ran to catch up. 

Since it had been a long while since Louis had done anything physical, he was definitely feeling the effects. He had a disadvantage to Liam’s fit body but he made up for it in guts and boldness. He shot off and tackled Liam who yelled before flailing and hitting the ground, taking Louis with him. 

That was not expected. 

It seems Liam is not quite as graceful as he had initially assumed. 

Louis eagle-spread out on the grass, face raised to the sun, and grinned, “You play well Liam.”

“You play pretty decently yourself,” said Liam, plopping down beside him. “You know, when you aren’t making the game living hell.”

Louis tsked, “It’s not my fault you can’t keep up.”

Liam rolled his eyes, “Menace.”

“Grandpa.”

They both smiled at each other. 

-

Zayn kept glancing at Louis and giving him pleased looks. “What?” said Louis, when he had done it the tenth time. Zayn shook his head, “Nothing, it’s just good to see you so happy.”

Louis looked at his plate. 

They were at Sally’s because Zayn got an employee discount and plus he had a shift right after lunch so it seemed convenient. Liam was in the restroom leaving Zayn and Louis alone. 

Instead of answering the last comment, Louis cleared his throat. “I really like Liam.”

Zayn beamed, “Me too.” 

It was weird but also kind of nice to see Zayn so bright and soft for his boyfriend. Louis was so happy for him, it hurt. 

“Why do you both look so happy?” asked a familiar voice. Louis gasped before turning to see his sister, Lottie. “Is someone getting married?”

“Zayn pretty soon if things progress in the direction they’re going in,” said Louis with a smile, before jumping up to cuddle his sister (while Zayn sputtered). “You’re early!” Louis had thought she'd arrive later that evening for her three day stay with them. He already had the pull-out set up (for himself because he'd always give up his room for Lottie or any of the girls for that matter). Lottie was visiting him and going to a meeting for her brand the next day. 

“Yup, I wanted to surprise you.” Lottie squeezed him back, “My favorite older brother.”

“My favorite adult sister,” replied Louis, because it was the only one that worked. He blinked, and gently grabbed a strand of her hair, "Your hair is very blonde."

"That's the thing about blonde dye," said Lottie cheekily before stepping back. 

She hugged Zayn next, “How are you bad boy?”

Zayn rolled his eyes like he had been doing ever since the first time she called him that nearly two years ago. It was done with a gentle fondness though which was rare for Zayn Malik except with people he genuinely cared about. “I’m great Lotts, how about you? CEO of your own brand and all. How’s that going?” 

Lottie beamed, “It’s going great!” Louis loved to see her talk so happily about her projects. It made her glad that even if he wasn’t doing as well, his family could. 

“Have you stopped at the flat yet? Do you need help unpacking? Or are you hungry? When’d you leave? Early-” Louis was cut off his rant by Lottie putting her hand over his mouth. 

“I already dropped my stuff at the flat and I came over here because I knew Zayn has his shift,” said Lottie. “As for food, I definitely could eat, I left before breakfast. The twins say hi. Both pairs. And Fizzy.”

Louis smiled at the mention of his siblings. Daisy and Phoebe had skyped him to practice presenting their monologues for drama a few days before and he had talked to Dan, Doris, and Ernest on the phone yesterday and yet he still craved every bit of information he could get. “How did the twins do with the monologues?”

“Aced it,” said Lottie. “All in a day’s work for Teacher Louis.”

“Not really a teacher currently,” he said awkwardly. 

Lottie and Zayn rolled their eyes in unison. “Bullshit, you’re on a break,” said Zayn. “Just for this past semester and next semester then you’ll be back better than ever.”

He didn’t say what all three of them were thinking: he’d back unless he was still broken by the time January arrived. “What about Fizzy?”

“She’s great and yes she’s still dating Max, you somehow managed not to scare him off,” said Lottie, amused. 

“Fizzy has a boyfriend!?” exclaimed Zayn, eyes wide. 

“I know! It’s awful!” said Louis, using his hands for emphasis. 

“And you didn’t skype me to help interrogate him?” asked Zayn, pouting with his arms crossed. Louis and Lottie gave him sheepish looks. 

“Sorry mate, got caught up in the mo,” Louis said, shrugging. Zayn scowled. 

“Hey,” said Liam, who had returned to his bathroom, most likely confused as to what was going on. Lottie raised an eyebrow. Liam glanced at Lottie, “Hi, I’m Liam.”

“Lottie,” said Lottie. “I’m Louis’ sister.”

“Ah yes the oldest,” said Liam and Lottie looked pleased. Liam had been shocked when Louis told him he had six siblings but he had listened attentively as Louis described them all. Hearing him remember such a detail made Louis feel all warm inside. Liam listened to him. Zayn gave him an adoring look. 

“You’re Zayn’s boyfriend, right?” realized Lottie. Liam nodded and she clapped her hands together. “Oh yes, this is going to be fun.”

Zayn groaned and Louis cackled. One thing Zayn was not expecting when befriending Louis was to gain a whole truckload of younger sisters to add onto his already big family but it’s what he got. 

Lottie fixed Liam with an intense stare, “I’m going to order a salad and then we’re going to have a little chat about your intentions which our young Zaynie here.”

Zayn facepalmed and Liam looked appropriately nervous, even if he was probably humoring her. “Yes ma'am.” 

“Politeness will get you no favors with me,” said Lottie, “But flattery will.”

“Well, in that case, you look very lovely in that shade of pink,” said Liam solemnly. 

Lottie gave him an unimpressed look, “I basically gave you permission to bribe me and that’s the best I get? Unoriginal. I'm disappointed.”

Liam’s mouth quirked up at the end but he quickly schooled it over with a serious face, “I’ll do my best.”

“Perfect,” she said, leaning back. “Later we’ll chat about your history and your ambitions to determine whether you’re of the standard that Zayn deserves. If you cooperate I have no worries that your relationship will remain intact but remember if you mess with a Tomlinson or honorary-Tomlinson, you _ will _ regret it.” 

Louis and Zayn exchanged a look. 

Lottie was a force to be reckoned with. Louis liked to think she got it from him but really she got it from their mum. For once the thought of her didn’t make him want to immediately burst into tears. He felt the familiar clenching feeling and he had no doubt he’d go home and to bed for a little cry later on but for now he felt… normal. 

Progress. 

-

“This game is so stupid!” said Gemma, slapping away a few tiles.

“Heyyyyy,” said Harry, frowning. “Don’t disrespect Scrabble like that Gems, it’s the best game on the planet.”

“You and mum are so delusional,” said Gemma. “I don’t understand how you can think Scrabble is the best when poker literally exists.”

“You only like poker because you’re ruthless,” said Harry. They have definitely had this conversation before. Gemma had come to visit for the day like she always did once and sometimes twice a month. Harry loved hanging out with his sister, except for when she annoyed him that is. 

“Ruthless… genius… same thing,” said Gemma, shrugging. 

“Slytherin.”

“Slytherins are superior, I don’t make the rules,” said Gemma.

“Hello.. Gryffindor exists?”

“Gryffindor is the most boring house, and that’s the truth.” 

Harry rolled his eyes, they had had this conversation before too. “Whatever, it’s your turn now.”

He watched as Gemma put down v and then i, b, e…. y. 

He froze. 

“Before you tell me this isn’t a word,” said Gemma, but she stopped abruptly when she saw Harry’s pale face. “What is it?”

“Nothing,” lied Harry. 

His mind was racing.

_ “Vibey isn’t a word babe,” said Harry, exasperated. This was the third time Louis had tried to do that._

_ “It is so,” insisted Louis. “I swear it this time Harold.” _

_ “You’re so full of shit,” said Harry. _

_ Louis pouted, “It is a word, you’re just being an asshole.” _

_ “We’ll see about that,” said Harry, picking up the dictionary. He made a show of scanning the pages before gasping. “Oh my god! It's not here!"_

_ Louis rolled his eyes and huffed, “That book is outdated. Vibey is a word. I think it should count.” _

_ “When have you ever heard anyone say vibey?” _

_ “Me! I say it all the time!” _

_ “I’ve never heard you say ‘vibe', let alone 'vibey'." _

_ They spent ten minutes arguing about and in the end, ‘vibey’ was counted just like the two other times he made up words, Louis was smug, and Harry was happily whipped for his boyfriend. _

“H?” asked Gemma quietly. 

“I’m fine,” he said. 

“You’re not,” said Gemma. “What is it?”

“Nothing… it’s just not the first time anyone’s used ‘vibey’ in a game with me, that’s all,” said Harry, lamely. 

It wasn’t a surprise when Gemma immediately knew who he was talking about. “Harry…” she said. 

“Don’t say anything,” said Harry, agitated. “I don’t want to hear it. I’m done with him. Believe me, if I could forget he ever existed I would.”

Gemma frowned. 

“He’s an asshole, doesn’t mean the memories just go away,” said Harry. 

“Harry-”

“No, let’s just keep playing,” said Harry. He gritted his teeth and took three deep breaths before putting down his word. “Here, ‘snake’. Like my rotten ex. Your turn.”

Gemma had enough common sense to not respond and instead they kept playing. Neither of them mentioned the fact that Gemma had gotten away with the word ‘vibey’. 

Louis Tomlinson was an off-limits topic. Harry would like as little to do with him as possible. Gemma put down the word ‘bitter’ and Harry tried not to scream at her. 

-

“Zayn, come on,” said Louis, impatiently. “We don’t need organic vegetables anyway.”

“Organic is healthier,” insisted Zayn, putting a few cucumbers in a bag. Organic cucumbers he spent nearly ten minutes looking for- way too much effort for a mediocre vegetable in Louis’ opinion. 

“So?”

“Louis you need to pay more attention to this type of stuff,” scolded Zayn. 

Louis bit back a reply where he pointed out that Zayn was once like him in that department before everything changed. Instead he just sighed and tapped his foot. 

“No need to be so pouty now that Lottie’s gone,” said Zayn and Louis huffed, called out. “You’re such a family boy, adorable.”

“You’re one to talk, Malik,” muttered Louis. Zayn skyped his sister almost every day and he talked to his parents all the time. 

Zayn shot him a crooked smile, and finally they moved on from the produce aisle.

“Hey, do you think we can get-” Louis was cut off by Zayn’s happy gasp. 

“Li!” 

Louis rolled his eyes, “At this point you guys do this purpose.” He turned to see where Liam was and then froze. Because Liam wasn’t alone. 

Niall Horan was walking with him, chattering and currently oblivious to Louis’ presence. In fact neither of them had noticed Zayn and Louis yet. Niall Horan, Harry’s roommate and best friend. Niall Horan, who used to be one of his closest friends. Niall Horan, who looked almost exactly the same except his hair was back to his natural brunette color. 

Shit. 

“Let’s go say hi,” said Zayn. 

No. “What about the lasagna? That’s on the other side of the store,” said Louis, turning away. His heart was racing. He couldn’t go over there. 

“We can get it later?” said Zayn, confused. “What is it, you look stressed?”

Louis wondered if it would be terrible to pretend he was having a panic attack- he actually wasn’t that far off but it’d still probably be wrong. He felt sweaty. “Okay,” he said, realizing there’s no way to get out of this without explaining. Zayn didn’t know Niall and he definitely didn’t know Louis knew him. Either Niall would pretend he didn’t know Louis or at least not show it too much, or he’d be so angry that it would all explode. 

He had a right to his anger but Louis would rather avoid it. 

“Liam!” called Zayn, as they approached the two. 

“Zayn?” said Liam, looking surprised and then happy. “This is a nice surprise, babe.” 

Louis followed, sticking his hands in his pocket and shuffling his feet. He looked up and immediately made eye contact with Niall. Niall whose mouth fell open. Louis looked down. 

“Hey Lou,” said Liam. 

“Payno,” said Louis, forcing a smile. 

“Oh!” said Liam looking from Niall to Louis. “Louis, this is my flatmate Niall, he’s-”

“We actually know each other mate,” interrupted Niall. Great, so option A was out the window. “Uni.” 

Liam looked surprised and then delighted, “Really?”

“Yup,” said Louis, glancing at Niall. He didn’t seem angry or bitter. Zayn on the other hand was looking from Louis to Niall in surprise and maybe a little bit of suspicion. 

“That’s crazy,” said Liam. “Small world.”

“So you two are flatmates?” asked Niall, gesturing from Zayn to Louis. 

“Yes we are,” said Zayn, nudging his shoulder. 

Liam’s eyes widened, “This is perfect. We can all go out now! Niall, Louis, Harry, Zayn, and me. And Barbara if she wants to come out.”

Louis stiffened. Harry. 

Fuck. 

Niall was Liam’s flatmate. Harry was also Liam’s flatmate. His heart was pounding. He could make out in the edge of his vision, Niall giving him a weird look. Liam seemed oblivious and Zayn was giving Louis a curious look. 

Zayn didn’t even know who Harry was. Just that Louis cried out for him in the middle of the night sometimes. Just that he was someone from Louis’ past. He couldn’t know that this Harry was his Harry, or _ was _his Harry. But it definitely was. What other Harry would Niall share a flat with. 

Zayn was probably assuming that his reaction was because of the name itself, not anything else. He didn’t know anything else. Nothing about Harry. 

Harry Styles. His ex. The love of his life. 

Fuck. 

He needed to get out of here. As if reading his mind, Zayn piped up, “Sounds good Li, but Louis and I have to finish up shopping. I have a shift later.” 

“Oh, of course,” said Liam. “I’ll call you later babe.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” said Zayn, slinging an arm around Louis’ shoulders and turning them around. “It was good seeing you too Niall!”

“You too Zayn,” said Niall. 

Louis didn’t start breathing until they were in a different aisle. He stopped and put his hands on his thighs, taking a few deep breaths. Zayn rubbed his back, “I’m so sorry Lou, I forgot to tell you one of Li’s flatmates is named Harry.”

So he didn’t make the connection. Good.

“It’s okay,” lied Louis. “I was just caught off guard. That and the whole seeing Niall again after so long…”

“Were you guys close?”

“Yeah,” said Louis, not feeling the need to lie about that. “I kind of missed him but… too much has happened since then for us to be the way we were.” The realization was sad but all too true especially with the Harry situation.

“You won’t mind interacting with him if we do take up Liam’s offer to all hang out.”

Louis nearly stopped breathing. Hang out… with Harry? 

He couldn’t do it. 

“I met him at dinner last week and he seems like a great lad,” said Zayn. “Not like your Harry I mean.”

Louis flinched, “_My _Harry is amazing Z, shut the fuck up.”

Zayn frowned, “Okay mate, I just don’t really like how much you hurt because of him.”

“My hurting is my fault,” said Louis, staring at the ground. 

“We both know that’s a lie,” said Zayn. He reached out a hand to help Louis which he gladly took. “But we don’t have to talk about that right now. Let’s go get some lasagna.” 

“Okay.” 

-

**April 2013**

Louis squawked, “What do you mean I’m too dramatic.” 

Fizzy giggled, “You are!”

Louis pouted, and switched his phone to the other side, “This is why Lottie is my favorite.” Louis glanced up to see Harry watching him with a fond face. 

“Heyyy,” said Fizzy. “I’m funnier than Lottie.”

“True,” admitted Louis. “But don’t tell her that, she’ll murder me.”

Fizzy giggled again and Louis smiled. Fizzy was 12 years old, practically a teenager, and Louis found himself wanting to keep her young and giggling and carefree forever. 

“Your sisters sound really great,” said Harry, nudging his leg. They were in Harry’s dorm- Louis sprawled out on Harry’s bed and Harry doing homework on his desk nearby. 

“They are great,” said Louis. 

“What? Who are you talking to?” asked Fizzy. 

Louis blushed, “Uh.. a friend.” But it sounded false even to his own ears and he cringed. 

“A friend huh?” said Fizzy, sounding more and more grown up. “Hmm, is this a male friend or a female friend?”

“That won’t tell you anything,” said Louis, offended. 

On the other side of the line, he heard chatter which meant someone else was talking to Fizzy and then, “What’s this Lou? Are you dating someone?” Lottie. 

“Um,” said Louis, still blushing red. Harry was looking at him with a mixture of fondness and curiosity. “The answer to that question is…”

He trailed off. 

“Louis William Tomlinson!” exclaimed Lottie. 

“Hey!” protested Louis. “You're not my mum!"

“What are you, six?”

“Says you,” said Louis. “Just because you’re 14 doesn’t give you the right to tell me what to do, Charlotte.” He slathered his words with fake condescension because maybe then Lottie would get annoyed and forget what he was talking about. 

“Nice try Lou Lou, now are you dating someone or not?” asked Lottie. “C’mon, you know you can’t lie to me.”

“Uh,” said Louis, blushing even harder. “I may,” he mumbled. 

A beat and then Lottie screeched, “No way!”

Then it was Fizzy yelling into his ear, “A boyfriend!!! I never thought we’d see the day.” (Louis never got the chance to tell them about Aiden before everything went to shit). 

Louis scowled, “I am very lovable thank you very much. I have people falling at my feet. One would be so lucky to capture my attention.”

Beside him, Harry choked on laughter. Louis swatted him, “Oh, would you look at the time-”

“Not so fast!” said Lottie. “Tell us his name! Please!!”

Louis huffed, before biting his lip and blurting out, “Harry. It’s Harry.” 

Harry straightened up, looking at Louis in surprise. 

“Harry,” said Lottie. “I like it. Is he cute?”

Louis looked at his boyfriend and his soft, curly brown hair, green eyes, and dimples. He blushed. “Yeah.”

“Send me a picture,” said Lottie eagerly.

“I will later,” said Louis. “Gosh, you’re so annoying.”

Harry whispered, “Are you talking about me?”

Louis ignored him, “Anyway, I really wasn’t joking about the time-”

“Wait, no! I need more information,” insisted Lottie and he heard Fizzy’s agreement in the background. “How much do you like him?”

“I like him a lot,” said Louis. 

“Aw Lou,” said Harry, squeezing his shoulder. He had joined Louis on the bed, leaving him in hearing distance of the girls. 

Lottie gasped, “Was that him?” 

Louis groaned, and said to Harry, “Look what you’ve done!”

Lottie squealed, “Oh my god! Put it on speaker!”

“No way,” said Louis. “Anyway, love you girls so much. Send the twins and mum all the love, see you soon, mwah, bye!” Then he hung up to the sound of Lottie swearing at him. 

Ah, he really loved his family. 

“Did you tell your sisters about me?” asked Harry, eyes bright. 

Louis blushed and nodded. “Is that okay?”

“Of course,” said Harry. “I already told my mum about you. And Gemma. She’s the first one I told actually.”

Louis’ heart warmed. Harry told his mum and sister about Louis? 

“Harold, have I ever told you what a fucking treasure you are,” said Louis fondly and Harry became all smiley and cute and Louis just wanted to poke his dimple.

However, then the door suddenly flew open and a whirlwind entered, “Harry oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!” The boy was around Louis’ height (which was _not_ short) with bottle blonde messy hair and wide blue eyes. He was wearing a jersey of some Irish team and socks with sandals of all things. 

Harry immediately stood up, “Niall, what is it?” Niall. Harry’s roommate. Louis was suddenly very curious and slightly nervous. Harry had told Louis about Niall and how he was now one of his closest friends. 

“Oh my god!” exclaimed Niall again, face planting onto his bed. 

“What happened?” asked Harry, worriedly. 

Niall sat up and exhaled loudly, “I’ll tell ya what happened! I just ran into a girl I had a one-night stand with four months ago!”

Louis blinked. That was definitely not what he was expecting. 

“Um, what?” said Harry, eloquently. “Sorry mate, I guess that’s kind of awkward?”

Niall scowled, “Oh yes very awkward, especially since she was with the girl I danced with at the club earlier that night and then ditched.”

Louis winced. Yikes. 

“And they’re friends!” exclaimed Niall, before collapsing back onto his bed. “Unbelievable!” 

Harry opened his mouth, stopped, and then burst out laughing. Niall sat up to glare at him but he didn’t stop for another minute. “Sorry, sorry! But also… damn. I don’t understand how you get into these situations,” said Harry and Louis chuckled a little too at that statement which is when Niall noticed him. 

His eyes widened, “Holy shit! You’re Louis.”

Louis nearly jumped, “Um.. yes?”

“You’re Harry’s boyfriend!”

“Yes.”

Niall groaned, “Harry what the hell! You didn’t warn me! Now your boyfriend probably thinks I’m an asshole.”

“Not an asshole,” said Harry, shaking his head. “Just woefully unlucky I guess. I hope you apologized though, even if it was awkward.” 

“I did,” said Niall. “While both of them were laughing at me!”

Louis chuckled a little again. He could see the charm that Harry had described. 

Niall looked at him, “But enough about me, how about you Louis?”

Louis pursed his lips for a beat, before saying with a straight face, “Can’t say that’s ever happened to me, sorry mate.” 

Niall’s jaw dropped slightly and Harry cackled. 

“So he’s incredibly hot and he’s witty,” said Niall appraisingly. Harry coughed pointedly. “I’m only quoting your own words, jesus H.” 

Louis side-eyed Harry who blushed. “So I’ve heard,” said Louis. 

“Okay, Louis,” said Niall. “I’d go through the whole ‘protective’ best friend thing but ain’t me. Don’t laugh Harry, I can be intimidating.”

“You’re about as intimidating as Louis,” said Harry. “And even then, all I have to do is throw you a chocolate bar.”

“Hey!” said Louis and Niall at the same time. Harry smirked. Sometimes Louis forgot that Harry had a quick tongue like him since he hid it with his charming, polite exterior. He loved it though. He had always wanted someone to banter with. 

“Well Louis, since Harry's being a bastard, do you want to split half of the doughnut I stole from a friend,” said Niall, opening a mini fridge located conveniently right by the bed (a mini fridge that looked like it could break dorm rules- Louis was impressed. 

“Yes please,” said Louis right as Harry let out a, “Heyyyyyy. I love doughnuts,” and pouted. 

“Should’ve thought of that before you insulted us,” said Louis and Niall high-fived him. 

(If Louis had ended up sharing his half with Harry anyway, well… that was besides the point). 

However, Louis would always remember that day as the beginning of a lot of things: the beginning of Niall and Louis’ friendship that would only develop as time went on, the beginning of his sisters harassing him for information and pictures of Harry (especially Fizzy who thought Harry was really hot), and the beginning of the next year of bliss for the couple before everything started falling apart. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was surprisingly uploaded early but don't get used to it haha. 
> 
> Also yes, it's finally confirmed in print: Harry hates Louis. Louis loves Harry. Things are going to be rough before they start to heal but on the bright side, past Harry and past Louis seem to be doing fine..... for now. And also, don't be mad at Harry for hating Louis. The full story is still not known. Things are just getting started... 
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think about this chapter (feedback is always welcome!) Things should start picking up soon (like in a few chapters soon) and I'm sorry it's super slow but I did warn you with the "slowest of all slowburns" so if you cannot handle really dragged out angst, don't read this lol. It'll all be worth it though, I swear it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An extra chapter??? Whatttt???

**July 2017 (time jump)**

“Okay, so what movie are we watching?” asked Harry. He looked around. Niall and Liam sat on the couch opposite to the one he and Malcolm were sharing. No one answered. 

Great. 

Harry cleared his throat, “You do realize since you’re relinquishing control, I’m going to pick a romcom, right?”

“Ooo yes!” exclaimed Malcolm, finally breaking the strange silence between the group. 

Harry was frustrated. Niall was giving not so subtle intense stares in Malcolm’s direction and Liam looked confused. Harry was sure he could detect Niall’s dislike of Malcolm but there’s no way he could tell the reason so he stayed silent. Malcolm himself, seemed unbothered, but he also made no effort to start up a conversation with Harry’s flatmates. 

He sighed. His friends were so fucking stubborn. 

“Alright, Titanic or the Notebook?” he asked. 

And of course, this is when Niall decided to pipe up, “What about Love Actually Haz? That’s your favorite movie.”

Harry froze. Malcolm gave him a curious look. He gritted his teeth and glared at the Irishman, “It _ was _my favorite movie, but I guess I’ve grown out of it. Titanic is my favorite now.” Niall gave him a ‘who are you kidding’ look and Liam looked between them with a confused expression. Harry was now very annoyed. First Gemma, and now Niall?? He can’t act like he doesn’t know what Harry’s angry about. Harry knows what he’s doing with his “Haz” and “Love Actually” shit. Why on earth he’s bringing it up now is beyond him. 

“So Titanic then?” asked Liam slowly. He was slipping into his peacemaker status. 

“Yes, Titanic,” said Harry. He shot one last look at Niall who was acting like nothing happened. He was slightly pissed off, especially because this hasn’t been the first time Niall’s done this over the past few weeks. A week ago, Harry had tripped over one of Liam’s weights in the living room and after Niall had laughed for a good 30 seconds, he had teasingly said, “Nice one Bambi.”

Harry had immediately went rigid but Niall acted like nothing happened. Like he didn’t just call Harry by a nickname that Louis used to fondly call him all the time years before. Why on earth Niall was doing this to him after so long was beyond him. That chapter of his life was over, and he’d rather not be reminded of it all the time. 

He put in the movie, and settled back into the couch. “I love Leonardo diCaprio,” said Malcolm, effectively breaking the tension. Harry hummed his agreement, grateful that at least one of his friends was making an effort. There’s no way Malcolm hadn’t noticed the awkwardness of the situation (or the obvious references to his ex), but he was being nice and ignoring it. 

Thankfully, Niall returned to his normal self as the movie progressed, including making Harry help him recreate the iconic ship pose with him as Rose, and Harry as Jack. Liam wouldn’t stop laughing and Malcolm also looked cooly amused (which was the same as dying from laughter for him).

They order pizza for dinner. Harry would normally whip something up but he was too tired and lazy for that today. Malcolm however, ordered vegan takeout, and Harry almost felt guilty. He had been wanting to go vegan for some time. The cause was important to him and he definitely didn’t want to contribute to the detriments of eating meat and processed food, but pizza was just so darn good. 

It wasn’t until Harry was halfway done with his fourth slice when everything turned badly. Niall glanced at him and chuckled, “Good thing this isn’t avocado pineapple, right?” 

Harry stiffened. What the fuck. 

Niall just took another bite of his pizza. Liam was looking at Harry, concerned. 

What the fuck. 

“Niall,” he said, voice deathly serious. “What the fuck.”

Niall looked at him, picture of innocence, “What?”

“What the fuck,” he repeated, slower this time. He was glaring and Malcolm and Liam were staring at him in uncontained shock. “Why do you keep doing that?”

“Doing what?” he asked, but Harry could see through his nonchalant expression. 

“You know what,” said Harry. 

The memory was already running through his head. Summer. 2014. Niall and Barbara were over. They ordered pizza. Their usual. But instead of a pepperoni like they were expecting, they had received a very unexpected avocado and pineapple pizza. Barbara was allergic to pineapple so she stuck with their second cheese pizza, but Harry and Niall had been eager to try it out. Harry had been surprised with Louis hasn’t expressed enthusiasm for trying out a new, gross-looking concoction and had turned to see him looked green. “Fucking avocados,” he had grumbled. “Worst food on the planet.”

Harry had been shocked by Louis’ blatant hatred for the fruit especially when Harry had eaten them plenty of times around him. Apparently Louis had no problem ignoring their existence until they had tainted pizza- the best food on the planet. “I can’t look at it,” Louis stated, crossing his arms and pouting dramatically. Niall couldn’t get over it and for the next few months, he’d terrorize Louis with avocado and avocado themed stuff and crack up every single time. Harry had scolded him every time for Louis’ benefit but he secretly thought it was endearing. His hatred was almost childlike. He hadn’t had an avocado since he was a young teen but he refused to try it again. “The food of the devil,” he said. “I can’t believe you eat that shit H, it’s disgusting!”

“They’re healthy!” he had insisted. “And actually really good! You should try it again.”

“Never,” he said. 

And now, in 2017, Niall was bringing it up again. For no reason other than apparently to piss Harry off. 

“I’m not doing anything,” said Niall with a shrug. “It’s just an inside joke.”

“It is not,” said Harry with a scoff. 

“Guys,” said Liam, attempting to make peace. 

Harry wasn’t finished yet, “Also, why the fuck are you bringing this up now? You know I don’t want to be reminded of those days. I’ve told you countless times. This is ridiculous, what are you trying to do?”

“What are guys talking about?” asked Malcolm. 

“Nothing,” said Niall, a little too coolly to be kind. It only made Harry more angry. Malcolm hasn’t done anything to him. Niall is being a dick. 

It’s been five years of knowing each other and Niall is being a dick. This has never happened before. Never. 

“I can’t believe you,” said Harry, standing up. 

Niall actually looked a little ashamed at that but he didn’t say anything. Liam however, followed Harry into the kitchen and waited patiently as Harry yanked open the fridge and got out a bottle of wine. Liam raised an eyebrow at that but didn’t comment. “Asshole,” he muttered. 

“H,” said Liam, tentatively. “What’s going on? You and Niall never fight?”

“Yeah because Niall never acts like a jerk,” said Harry, getting out a few glasses. He pours himself a decent amount and takes a large gulp. “Except now he can’t seem to stop making references about my ex.”

“Your ex?” asked Liam. 

Harry forgets sometimes that Liam wasn’t always part of their group. He hadn’t even been with them an entire year but it felt like he always had. He didn’t know too much about before though. “Yeah my ex. The one I curse whenever I’m drunk.”

Liam nodded because that was definitely not new. 

“I don’t know why Niall feels the need to mention stuff about him, like he’s trying to make me think of him,” grumbled Harry. “He broke my heart. I never want to think about him again.”

Liam stayed silent but it was clear he was curious. 

“He dumped me,” said Harry flatly. “No explanation, no nothing. He didn't listen to any of my attempts to work things out. He just left. Like a fucking coward.” He felt dizzy and loose even though he had only had one glass of wine. The words felt like knives coming out of mouth and it felt strangely therapeutic to rant. He wanted to scream but he had more self-control. Even though it had been years, the knowledge still hurt. 

Louis left him. 

Harry loved him and he left. 

“I never want to see him again,” said Harry. And then he blinked, eyes feeling watery. Shit. That’s not supposed to happen. 

Liam moved to him immediately, wrapping him into a warm hug, “H, don’t cry. He’s probably an asshole. It’s okay. Niall’s being a jerk, you’re right. I’ll talk to him.”

Harry sniffled. He felt stupid. Why was he crying about this? It had been years, he was _ over _it. It shouldn’t still hurt. Their relationship wasn’t meant to be. He had repeated it to himself for the past two years but nothing had changed. 

He still missed Louis. 

Sometimes it felt like he’d always miss him. 

He had dated people after him, but no one had lasted more than a few months. Maybe it was a new paranoia- the lingering reminder that people you loved more than anything in the world could leave you. That they could not feel as strongly about you as you do about them. And Harry had felt the strongest about Louis. 

He had thought Louis had felt the same about him. 

Apparently not. 

“I’m fine,” he said, gently patting Liam’s shoulder. He gave Harry a disbelieving look. “I’m serious. I’m just emotional. It’s been two years, I swear I’m over him. He’s a piece of shit.” He meant that too. Louis was a piece of shit. For breaking his heart and leaving him floundering by himself for months, wondering and despairing over what happened. What was so wrong with him that Louis- Louis who had loved him, or who had said he loved him- could leave him? 

“Whatever you say,” said Liam. “Just know that if you want to talk, I’m always here.”

“Thanks Li,” he said, smiling genuinely. He was so glad Liam moved in with them last November. “That means a lot.”

They went back into the living room. Niall gave him an apologetic look, “I’m sorry for being a prick H, really sorry. I didn’t mean to remind you of miserable things, I swear it.” _ Then what were trying to do? _

But he bit his tongue and nodded. They’d have to talk more about it later but he couldn’t stay mad at Niall for too long. He didn’t understand and he wanted an explanation. 

“Anyone up for FIFA?” asked Niall then. 

Later on, Niall played against Malcolm and somehow managed not to insult his lacking skills (Malcolm was not good at any video games or sports in general, something Harry appreciated because neither was he). Harry was relieved and sent Niall a grateful look which he nodded at. 

-

“Hey lovebirds!” yelled Annie. Louis jumped, nearly spilling his tea all over his jeans. He scowled. “Quit messing around! Zayn, you’re supposed to be up front!!” 

Zayn frowned apologetically, “Sorry Annie, I’ll be right there!”

“Your boyfriend isn’t going to self-combust if you leave him alone for a few minutes,” was Annie’s lovely reply. Zayn rolled his eyes and got up. 

When Annie had first met Louis and saw how close they were, she had assumed Louis was Zayn’s boyfriend. They both burst out laughing when she had asked and it had remained a joke between the three of them ever since. Louis understood where she was coming from. He and Zayn probably did look like a couple sometimes. Zayn was always walking with his arm around Louis’ shoulders, and sometimes he would even kiss Louis’ temple. It was all platonic of course, Zayn did the same with his other friends and his sisters. Louis would wear Zayn’s jackets and jump on his back randomly (not recently, but back when things were less difficult). They were very touchy-feely with each other, a product of growing up with a lot of siblings. Being mistaken as a couple was a common occurrence for the duo, and something to laugh about.

Louis was currently sat in one of the back booths of Sally’s with a cup of tea and a little croissant that Zayn had gotten for him in hopes of him actually eating the entire thing. His appetite had been better the best few weeks but his motivation was still dismal. He couldn’t help but hesitate with eating these days when he looked in the mirror and noticed the fat he had gained. He hadn’t gone to the gym in ages and it was showing. 

Zayn would throttle him if he found it he was having those thoughts again, probably overreacting, and then it would be force-feeding him stuff and the end of Louis’ freedom as he knew it. Plus Louis’ guilt would increase exponentially. He couldn’t deal with that. 

So he took a few bites, gagging through the feeling of wrong, and trying to ignore how heavy and dry it felt sliding down his throat. 

He caught Zayn’s eye as he glanced at Louis from the table he was waiting on (a small family). Zayn looked proud so Louis took another bite just to keep the look on his face. Then his phone rang. Lottie. 

“Hey big brother!” said Lottie. “Fizzy wanted me to tell you that she’s planning her seventeenth birthday party and that you better be there or she’ll cut up all your vans.”

Louis gasped, “Cruel woman. But tell her yes, I wouldn’t miss it for the world and I love her to pieces.” 

“Will do Lou,” chirped Lottie. “Anyway, what’s up with you? Where are you right now, I hear people talking- are you socializing?” She sounded amazed. 

Louis rolled his eyes, “No, I’m at Sally’s, and Z’s working.” 

“Oh, tell bad boy I say hi.”

“Will do Lotts,” he mimicked. “Anything else you were calling about?”

He could hear her hesitate on the other side of the phone, a sure sign that what was going to come out of her mouth was something Louis didn’t like. 

“Actually, funny story. I was talking to a friend and she was telling me about how she was going through a tough time and one of her coworkers recommended-”

“Lottie,” said Louis, gritting his teeth. He knew where this was going. “I already told you I’m not seeing someone.”

Lottie sighed on the other end of the phone, “He has really great reviews!”

“I don’t give a shit.”

“I think this would be really helpful for you Lou,” said Lottie. “I saw a therapist for a few months after everything too and it really helped me. Don’t you trust my advice?”

“Of course I do,” said Louis, he had heard this many times previously. “And I’m really glad it helped you, but I’m telling you now, it won’t help me.” The thought of talking to someone about everything- having to get the words out and having to relive the pain and the darkness. Impossible. He was never doing it. 

“Can you think about?”

“I’ve thought it about it. No,” he said. “No way in hell.”

“But-”

“No, Lottie, we’ve had this conversation before,” said Louis. “Nothing has changed. I’m doing better, aren’t I? I don’t need to talk to someone.”

Lottie sighed. Resigned. “Okay.”

“I better not see this person’s information in my emails later today,” threatened Louis. The silence that followed his statement told him that Lottie had already done it. He messed with his fringe. “God Lottie, thanks for that downer.”

“I’m sorry,” said Lottie. “I just want what’s best for you.”

“That’s not your job,” he said quietly. “You shouldn’t have to worry about me. I’m your big brother.”

“That doesn’t mean shit. I’m always going to worry about you Lou,” said Lottie. “I want you to be okay again.”

“I am okay,” he said. It was only half a lie. “I’m approaching the vicinity of okay,” he amended. “I really appreciate you looking out for me Lottie. You and Zayn have already done so much. I really am doing better, I promise.”

“I know you are,” she said. “I can tell and I’m so glad. I’m so proud of you.”

He smiled, “Thanks Lottie.” 

“Of course,” said Lottie. “I was going to say something else but I don’t think you’d like to hear it any more.”

Louis was sure that she was right, that whatever she was going to say would be annoying, but his curiosity won out as always (Lottie knew he wouldn’t be able to hold out, smartass), “And would that be?”

“Oh nothing, just that I was talking to this guy and I think you’d really like him,” said Lottie, speaking carefully. 

Louis sucked in a breath, “Yup, you’re right, I don’t like that.” 

“Louis-”

“I already told you I’m not interested in dating right now,” he said. _ Or ever again. _

“I think it could be really good for you,” said Lottie. “You deserve to find your person.”

“I’m my own person,” said Louis, stubbornly. This conversation was beginning to stress him out. “I’m not interested.”

“It’s because you’re not over Harry.”

His heart lurched at the name. But she wasn’t wrong. “Lottie, you have no right to bring him up like that,” he snapped. His heart was racing. He was pathetic. 

“So you won’t deny it?”

“No,” he said. “You know I can’t. But I’m fine. I’ve accepted it. I’ve found my person Lottie, it’s just unfortunate that I wasn’t meant to be his person.”

“Oh my god,” said Lottie. “You know what, I’ll cut you some slack. I don’t feel like ranting right now, but I feel like you need to move on.”

“No,” he said. 

Lottie sounded slightly irritated as she said, "You broke up with him more than two years ago Lou, don't you think this has gone on too long?"

No. He couldn't just let him go. He couldn't end this painful cycle of remembering and longing but never having.

"It's more complicated than that."

"You still sleep in his sweaters."

"They're comfortable!" He was blushing now. “How the fuck do you know that anyway?”

“Zayn told me.”

“How does he know?” asked Louis, pouting. 

“They’re giant on you so they can’t be yours and who else would it be?” asked Lottie. And well, that was fair. “C’mon Lou.”

“No.”

“One day you’re going to get through this and then you’ll date again and find your person, and you’ll get married and be happy and have kids like you’ve always wanted,” said Lottie. “I promise.”

“No.” He knew he sounded like a five year old kid, but he couldn’t handle it. The idea of dating scared the shit out of him and he was pretty sure that wasn’t ever going to change. Nor would his love for Harry, no matter what Lottie and Zayn thought. “Also, stop texting Zayn about me, that’s creepy.”

“It’s not creepy, we’re friends,” said Lottie. “Zayn is like my other brother.”

Louis fought a smile, “Honorary Tomlinson, for sure.”

“Honorary? He’s a real Tomlinson.” Zayn would be happy to hear that. 

“Okay, thanks for the chat Lottie,” said Louis. “I really appreciated that headache, see you soon darling, send all my love to the girls.”

“I will, love you too Boo Bear,” said Lottie. Louis stiffened. “Sorry, sorry! Shit, I didn’t mean to, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” said Louis, heart pounding. He felt faint. _ It’s just a nickname. Just a nickname. _“Love you too Lottie, see ya.”

“Bye Lou.”

She hung up. Louis leaned back on the booth, and closed his eyes. They were already watering. Fuck. 

-

**August 2013**

“Are you nervous?” asked Louis. Harry was fidgeting with his shirt buttons. He froze, and lowered his hands, caught. 

“No,” he said, sounding calm and easy breezy as he always did but Louis could recognize the shaky undertone. He was. 

“Relax Haz,” said Louis, squeezing Harry’s bicep. “My family is going to love you.”

Harry flashed him a grin, dimples popping out. “I know.”

Louis rolled his eyes. 

They were standing outside Louis’ family house. They had driven to Doncaster for Fizzy’s birthday which was tomorrow, but his mum wanted to meet Harry first. All his family members had been bugging him about Harry ever since that unfortunate phone conversation and they were all ecstatic that he was coming. “I can’t wait to meet your sisters,” said Harry. “And your mum.”

Louis smiled, “They can’t wait to meet you either. I’m pretty sure Lottie only calls me to get information about you these days. And Fizzy keeps begging me for pictures. They think you’re hot.”

Harry blushed. 

“And my mum already loves you,” said Louis. 

“How?”

“Because she knows how happy I’ve been because of you,” said Louis honestly. Harry sharply looked to him and then crushed him into a quick hug.

“You deserve all the happiness,” said Harry, hand gently running through his hair. Louis nodded, his head pressed to Harry’s chest. He could hear his heartbeat. “Okay, I’m ready.”

Louis raised his hand to knock but the door flung open before he could touch it. 

“Finally! We’ve been watching you guys stand out there for five minutes!” exclaimed Phoebe. Louis grinned. 

“Pheebs!” he said, and Phoebe squealed and jumped into his arms. Even though she was 12, and not little anymore, Louis still caught her under the armpits and swung her around. 

“Well well well,” said Lottie. She and Fizzy appeared in the doorway. 

“Hello,” said Harry. “You must be Lottie and Fizzy.”

Fizzy raised an eyebrow, impressed. Lottie’s expression didn’t change. “Harry.”

Harry glanced at Louis, who was looking at all of them in amusement. “Let us in will you, freaks.”

Fizzy immediately barrelled into him and then he was hugging all three girls- four as Daisy wiggled her way into it as well. “Hey girls,” he said, light and happy. Harry was looking at them fondly. 

“Alright, alright,” said a voice. Louis beamed. “Let them in.”

Mum. 

She was smiling warmly as Harry and him finally stepped into the house, followed by his whispering sisters. Her brown eyes were bright, her hair was down, and she was wearing a yellow sundress. “Baby.”

“Mum,” he said, and hugged her tightly. He blinked, eyes feeling wet. It had only been a few months but he wouldn’t ever be embarrassed of missing his mum. “I missed you.”

“I missed you more,” she said, rubbing his back. “Now introduce me to your boyfriend.”

“Mum,” he said, stepping back and grabbing Harry’s hand. “This is Harry.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Ms. Poulston,” he said, smooth and charming as ever. Louis smiled, proud that Harry remembered to call her by her maiden name. “Thank you for having us.” 

Jay assessed Harry, looking him up and down, but a smile was on her face so Louis knew she already approved, “Nice to meet you too darling, I’ve heard so many good things.” Then she reached out and pulled him into a hug. “We’re so glad you’re here.”

Harry was grinning when the hug ended. Louis was appeased. He knew his family would love Harry and that Harry would love them, but it was still nice to see it all play out. 

“Can we interrogate him now?” asked Lottie. 

Jay laughed. Louis groaned. 

Or maybe he could just leave now. 

-

They had dinner where Harry fit in comfortably. He took the time to talk to every one of his sisters, even letting Phoebe and Daisy mess with his curls. He kept up with Phoebe’s fast, loud conversations and Fizzy’s unbridled wit and Lottie’s nosiness and he made an effort to engage in a conversation with Daisy, who was shy, and he could tell Daisy felt comfortable around him. He could tell they all really liked him and it meant a lot to him. 

His mum too seemed happy. 

After dessert, she gestured him over to the kitchen to help her with the dishes. Harry had offered to help, because of course he did, but Jay brushed him off. “He’s wonderful Lou.”

Louis blushed, “You really think so?”

“Yes, he’s so sweet and polite,” said Jay. “And I see the way he looks at you, like you’re everything. And that’s so important because you are everything.” His blush grew. Jay looked at him with this mixture of pride and sadness. “My little Boobear is growing up.”

“Aw mum,” said Louis, feeling emotional all of a sudden. He fell into her open arms, and breathed in her comforting mint scent. He blinked back tears. God, he loved this woman so much. “I’ll always be your baby.”

“Yes, you will,” she agreed, squeezing him tighter. “But I’m glad you also have Harry to look after you when I can’t.”

Louis tucked his head onto her shoulder. “I love you.”

“I love you more darling,” she said. “Now c’mon, I have a gut feeling Lottie’s already pulled out the old family albums.”

Louis froze, horror flooding his system, “No!”

She laughed and Louis ran back into the living room. Sure enough, she was showing Harry all the embarrassing pictures of him as a baby and then as a smartass teenager with hair issues and no fashion sense. “Lottie!!”

Fizzy was cackling. Harry looked amused, eyes sparkling. He wouldn’t make fun of Louis in front of his family but Louis knew for sure that when they got back, he'd never live it down. 

“Do you think,” said Harry to Lottie, as Louis reluctantly slid onto the couch beside him. Harry paused, wrapping an arm around Louis' waist and pulling him closer. Louis snuggled up against his side. “That I can get a copy of all these pictures?”

Louis immediately sat up and hit him with a pillow. "Bastard."

“Heyyyyyyyy.”

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was fun but also really hard to write. I hate writing Harry's hatred of Louis even though it's realistic to what happened between them. It was also so hard to write about Jay and Fizzy. :( 
> 
> Also, on a happier note: WE MADE IT is amazing. Don't forget to stream!! :) 
> 
> Things are beginning to pick up soon. Niall is meddling. Feelings are coming out, the story is bound to follow soon...


	7. Chapter 7

**Late June 2017**

“Um, by the way,” began Zayn halfway through breakfast. “Liam and his flatmates are having a party in a couple of weeks…”

Louis froze, spoon of Coco Puffs poised near his mouth. “Uhh.”

“You don’t have to come with me,” said Zayn with a rush. “But Liam invited you too and I think it would fun…”

Alarm bells rang inside him. Liam. Liam’s flatmates. Aka Niall and Harry. Harry. NO. 

“I don’t know about that Z,” said Louis, trying to hide his panic. He ran his hand through his fringe and adjusted his glasses, his heart pounding within. 

“Just think about it, okay?” asked Zayn. He was sitting across from Louis at the table, eating some type of healthy oatmeal that made Louis feel sick just looking at. He was wearing sweatpants and an old worn out shirt that said ‘fuck you’ on it with messy, sleep soft hair sticking out of a beanie and he still looked like a Greek god. It was terribly unfair. “You already know Liam and Niall and Harry’s pretty great too- better than your Harry probably. I’ve only hung out with them a few times but I already know we’d all get along really well together.”

Better than your Harry. Ha. If only he knew. 

“I’ll think about it,” he lied, hoping Zayn would forget about it. 

“Great, also we still on for later today?” asked Zayn. 

He had asked Louis to be his model for his current WIP and Louis had accepted. This was a common occurrence between them. In fact, the last art gallery Zayn had hosted was featured with predominantly Louis’ face last May. It had been a while since Zayn had asked, but that was understandable. Louis still wasn’t sure that he was the best choice for a model but he wasn’t about to let Zayn down. If Zayn wanted Louis to model for him, he would, whether there were much more deserving and attractive models out there for Zayn to pick. 

“Yup,” said Louis, taking another bite of his cereal. He had managed to eat half of it already, but the familiar feeling of being too full, of food weighing down in his stomach, was slowly increasing. “The studio?”

Zayn nodded. He had started renting a one room studio at an artist warehouse a few months after he and Louis met, but it had been months since he had gone there to work on a project. In fact, it had been months since Zayn was focusing on a project in general. Most of that was Louis’ fault. Zayn disagreed. “I’ve been busy,” he had said easily when Louis had confronted him about it. “Not a big deal.”

“Yeah, busy taking care of me,” said Louis, crossing his arms. “Spending all your time with me instead of your passion, like a fucking saint. St. Malik!”

Zayn shrugged, “Better than when you call me Dickface.”

Louis had thrown a pillow at him, “Dickface.”

“Love you too Lou,” was Zayn’s response, but he flipped him off right after. 

“Great,” said present-day Zayn. “Alrighty, I have lunch with Liam, so I’m going to hop in the shower.”

“Can we smoke before you leave?” asked Louis, hating himself. He felt like a child, begging for permission to stay up late or some shit. It made him feel young and stupid and vulnerable. But he had to ask. He needed a smoke. 

Zayn shot him a look, “Sure, but only for a little bit, okay?”

“Okay,” he said, wincing. He could deal with that, he could. 

“I’m really proud of you Louis,” said Zayn, coming over to briefly squeeze his shoulder before heading off to shower. Louis sighed. Everyone seemed to be “proud” of him for doing better when all he was doing was lounging around the flat, not working, barely eating properly, and feeling sorry for himself. He wasn’t doing anything. 

He definitely wouldn’t be telling Lottie or Zayn that his urges had been slowly coming back… That would kill them. 

It had been slow but definitely present- the itching and aching he felt for a release, for that familiar feeling of pain that drowned out everything else. Thinking about it made him feel shaky and faded. He knew he shouldn’t. 

But it gave him something else, something arguably less hurtful, to think about for a little while. It made him feel like he was getting what he deserved even if Zayn and his family would refuse to see the same. 

But he wasn’t going to do it. 

He promised he wouldn’t and he intended to keep it… if he could. 

-

“Harry.” Harry dropped his head into his hands at the sound of Donna’s voice as she stepped into the office, lips pursed and eyes pitying. “Harry… we need to talk.”

He groaned, “I know everything you’re going to say Donna, I know, I know. I just can’t write anything right now.” 

Donna, the unfortunate soul to be Harry’s agent, pursed her lips. “You have a contract, Harry. You promised an album by the end of November. Sign of the Times was brilliant but you need a whole album.”

“I know,” said Harry. He knew what a disappointment he was being. He couldn’t write though- physically couldn’t write anything that even resembled a song lyric. It was pitiful. It was _ bad. _Donna was getting more and more annoyed, but she was nowhere near as annoyed as Harry. “I have ideas,” he insisted. “I just can’t articulate them properly.”

He had tried plenty of times. He had sat down in an empty studio, opened his well-worn journal to a page with a prompt, and tried to come up with something good and honest. Except he couldn’t. Because there was nothing he could write about. Nothing he truly cared about anyway. When he had first entered the music industry a few years before, he had been naive and hopeful, brimming to the tip with inspiration and sweet lyrics and lots of charisma. But as time passed, he had lost steam and with it, any motivation or inspiration to write something wonderful. Something album-worthy. 

“Well you better come up with something quick Styles,” said Donna. “Or you’ll never get another deal.” 

He winced. “I know, I’m sorry Donna.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she said, before softening. “Take a break, you’ve been here for six hours already. Nothing’s going to just fall in your lap. Get up and go find that inspiration.”

Harry shot her a rueful smile, “I’ve been looking for ages, but alright. I’m hungry anyway.” 

“Get me a sandwich,” she said as he stood up and grabbed a bag. 

“Alright!” called Harry, grabbing his keys. He headed to the parking lot and slipped into the driver’s seat. He didn’t know exactly where he was going to eat, and then he remembered Sally’s- the diner where Zayn worked. Zayn, who promised discounts to Niall and Harry if they ever wanted to eat there. 

Perfect. 

Thankfully, it wasn’t too far. He surveyed the lot. Sally’s was a small but nice cafe with a sleek exterior and a modern look: fairy lights, dark colors, smooth dark wood furniture, and plants dotting the space. However, it also had a warm atmosphere and Harry immediately liked. He walked inside. There weren’t too many people eating at this time but he spotted a few couples and individuals sitting around. 

He looked at the menu and was contemplating his choice when Zayn slid behind the counter in front of him, “Harry! What a nice surprise!”

Harry grinned, “Hey Zayn, I’m on a lunch break and I thought I’d check the place out.”

“And?” asked Zayn. He was in a black shirt, black jeans, and a black apron to top it off. He looked like the sexy bad boy from romcoms and if Harry hadn’t already met and talked to him, he’d be a little intimidating. 

“It’s nice,” he said seriously. “Can I just get a panini sandwich.”

“Sure man,” said Zayn. “We’re pretty slow right now so I can get it too quick, and I’ll give you half off.”

“Siiick,” said Harry. He waited as Zayn got his order. He took another look around the place, noticing a family in the corner with two baby twins. He softened, and caught eyes with the curly-haired girl. She giggled and waved a tiny fist at him. Harry’s heart squeezed and he grinned, waving back. He loved babies. 

He wanted a family more than anything- not necessarily now since he was only 23, but definitely within the next five or six years. Many people would consider that too young but Harry wanted kids so bad. The only problem was who he’d be having those kids with. 

He texted back and forth with Gemma for a few minutes before Zayn returned, coming around the counter to Harry’s side with his panini and a salad. “I’m actually on my lunch break right now, so I’ll join you.”

“Sweet,” said Harry and they sat at a free table. 

“So what do you do again?” asked Zayn. “Something music related I’m sure?”

Zayn had witnessed Harry playing guitar and harmonizing the last time he had come over to their flat a week before. “Yup,” he confirmed. “I’m actually with a label right now.”

Zayn’s eyes widened in respect, “Damn! Future rockstar?”

“Something like that,” he said wryly. “If I ever get an album out.”

“Writer’s block?”

“Yup.” 

“Bummer,” said Zayn. “I had artist’s block for the past six months but I was recently struck with inspiration.”

“Liam?” asked Harry, waggling his eyebrows. 

Zayn chuckled, but he looked pleased with the mention, “Yeah, him and my flatmate. My best friend, Louis.”

Harry stiffened for a second before relaxing. _ It’s just a name… _“Cool,” he said. “Maybe I should get Niall to be my muse.”

Zayn pulled a face, “Do you want to write a song about beer and golf?”

Harry laughed, “It’d be new and interesting, that’s for sure.”

They chatted about a few other things before a redhead came by their table, “Hey Z, you’re on in a few minutes.”

“Thanks Annie,” said Zayn, starting to clean up his dishes. “You leaving now?”

“Yup, my girl is thirty minutes from London and I want to meet her at the train station,” said Annie. She smiled at Harry. “Hey, I’m Annie.”

“Harry,” he replied, shaking her hand. “Have fun with your girlfriend.”

“Thanks,” she said, grinning. She turned to Zayn. “By the way, I stopped by the bakery earlier on my break and I bought those macarons that Lou loves. I left them in the back.”

“Sick, Lou’ll love them,” said Zayn. 

“Which bakery?” asked Harry. 

“Newman’s. It’s like five minutes away,” said Annie. 

“I’ve never been,” said Harry. “But I actually used to work in a bakery.”

Annie raised her eyebrows, “Really? Neat, which one?”

“Haven, on the corner of 6th,” said Harry, ignoring the lump that just formed in his stomach. He hadn’t been back there in years… 

“Cool,” said Zayn. “Did you actually get to bake stuff?”

“Yeah,” said Harry. “I like to think I’m pretty good, but… it’s been a while.” He cleared his throat. He hadn’t actually realized it had been a while but thinking on it now, he realized it had been at least nine months since he had baked anything. The last thing he baked were cookies for a get-together that Barbara was hosting. 

“Maybe you should change that,” commented Zayn gently. 

Harry nodded. Maybe he should.

“Alrighty, nice talking to you both, but I have to go!” exclaimed Annie. She slipped on a pair of sunglasses, waggled her fingers at them, and then flew out the door, pulling out her phone and pressing it to her ear as she did. A few seconds later her face broke out into a wide grin. It made Harry feel warm inside.

And jealous. Just a little. 

“I hate to cut this short Harry, but my break’s over in like fifteen seconds,” said Zayn, looking genuinely apologetic. “It was really nice to see you today though.”

“Yeah you too,” said Harry, smiling. He was almost done anyway. “You’re still coming over soon right?”

“Yeah, and hopefully I’ll get Louis to come soon,” said Zayn and Harry barely resisted a flinch. He can’t believe his flatmate was named Louis… It was like the world was refusing to let him live in peace, Louis-free. 

“Sounds great,” he managed to say. “See you then Zayn.”

“Bye mate.”

Now all Harry had to do was figure out a way to somehow _ not _flinch every time the name Louis was mentioned. Especially if he was meeting another Louis who had done nothing to deserve the feeling of disgust and resentment. 

Easy peasy. 

-

**Early September 2013**

“Louuuu,” groaned Harry. He had just came back from the gym where he spent a grueling hour on cardio. He was sweaty and tired especially after the double shift at Haven that he worked earlier that afternoon. All he wanted was a shower and to cuddle with his lovely boyfriend as they watched Gogglebox or _ anything _to take his mind off his exhaustion. 

“I’m here,” called out a familiar, and much loved raspy Northern accent. 

Harry followed his boyfriend’s voice to the living room of his new flat. It was small but cozy and warm. Harry loved spending time there and he could tell Louis was much happier here than in his dorm room with his silent roommate. Luckily for Harry, the flat wasn’t too far from campus so he could still easily visit Louis all the time and the best part was that they could be alone. It felt monumental. Louis moving into a flat. A flat where Harry already knew he’d be spending a lot of his time at. He had only helped Louis move in only a week ago and already it felt like Louis’. Harry saw his many pairs of vans by the door, his framed photos of his sisters, friends, and mum and Dan hanging on the walls, a football lying randomly in the corner. It was Louis’ space but it was also Harry’s space. He had a toothbrush in the bathroom for the nights where he was too tired to go back to his own dorm. There were a pair of his boots near the door by Louis’ vans, one of his Green Bay Packers sweatshirts on the chair in Louis’ room, a few of his movies in the cabinet next to all of Louis’ Marvel movies, and a bunch of plants that Harry pretty much solely tended to- watering and making sure they were getting enough sun whenever he was over. 

In the kitchen he knew he’d find boxes and boxes of Coco puffs, tea, and various boxed pasta (one of the only things Louis could make for himself) along with a few cookbooks that Harry had brought to encourage him (but also for him to use because everyone knew that Harry would be cooking for Louis more often than not, not that Harry was complaining). Sure enough, Louis was sitting on the counter, swinging his feet. A cup of tea was nestled in his delicate, small hands. 

“Hey baby,” said Harry, sliding into the gap between Louis’ legs and pecking his lips gently. He was paying attention however to the way Louis blushed at the pet name. Harry had slipped up and accidentally called him that on the way back from Louis’ family’s house and had been embarrassed at first, before he noticed the way Louis’ cheeks turned a pretty shade of pink and he ducked his head, all shy and soft. Harry had decided at that point that he would call Louis ‘baby’ all the time if it would get him to look like that. 

Louis dropped his head onto Harry’s shoulder, “Haz.”

“I had an awful day,” said Harry.

“Oh?” said Louis, into Harry’s t-shirt. 

“Yeah, but it’s better now,” said Harry, pressing a kiss onto his soft hair. He was aware that he had been getting increasingly affectionate with Louis (and Louis was getting affectionate with him right back) but he couldn’t help it. He was falling deeper for Louis with each passing day. And he loved it. 

“It’s much better now,” agreed Louis. “You smell sweaty.”

“I _ am _sweaty,” said Harry. “Got back from the gym.” 

“I figured,” said Louis teasingly. Harry grinned into his hair, moving his hands to grab the edge of the counter, right next to Louis’ thighs. The moment felt safe and intimate. He could feel Louis’ breath on his neck and his hair was soft underneath his chin. His fingers were brushing the old fabric of Louis’ sweatpants. It was also in that moment that he noticed that Louis was wearing one of his shirts. 

“This is mine,” he whispered, tugging the hem lightly. 

Louis pulled back a fraction and studied the shirt with an inquisitive brow, “No.. I don’t think so Curly. I’m pretty sure this is mine.” 

Harry rolled his eyes, “Whatever, it looks better on you anyway.”

Louis kissed him quickly, “I know.”

Harry grinned. This boy was going to be the death of him. 

“Wanna watch a movie?” asked Louis, blue eyes wide. 

Harry got a little distracted with staring at the flecks of green in his irises but Louis’ smirk brought him back, “Hm?”

“Movie, love?” asked Louis. 

“Yes, love,” said Harry. “You put it on, I’m just going to take a quick shower.”

“Okie dokie,” said Louis, which: adorable. “By the way, Niall called me two hours ago, stressed out of his mind because you wouldn’t pick up. He’s already getting ready for his date with Barb and at that time it was in 4 and a half hours!”

Harry’s mouth twitched. He absolutely wasn’t going to tell Louis how early he started getting ready for their first official date, nope. “Did you help him out, or did you laugh and then hang up on him?”

“The second one,” said Louis but Harry knew he was lying. 

“Did you tell him not to drink before the date?”

“Yes, but what was that going to do? He’s Irish,” said Louis, which _o__bviously_ explained everything. “Go shower you dirty boy.”

Harry kissed his temple before obliging. 

When he got out, he changed into a comfortable pair of sweatpants and a soft Fleetwood Mac shirt. Louis was already sprawled out on the couch. He had made a cup of tea for Harry and had already set up a movie: Grease. 

“Really Lou, we already watched it last month,” said Harry, complaining only half-heartedly. “It’s technically my turn to put on Love, Actually.”

“Actually Haz, we watched that last,” said Louis. Liar. 

But Harry didn’t feel like putting up a fight. He just wanted to cuddle his boy in peace. He slid into his spot next to Louis on the couch and they assumed their regular cuddle-and-movie positions. Louis curled into his side and rested his head on Harry’s shoulder. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis and pulled him half onto his lap. He kept one hand running through Louis’ soft fringe the entire movie. 

Louis gave commentary throughout all the scenes and did his best to swoon over Danny Zuko as much as possible just to make Harry jealous (it didn’t work) (definitely not). They got into a tickle fight halfway through in which Louis accidentally kicked Harry in the ribs and then squealed when Harry started tickling his feet (his most ticklish spot which Harry had been pleased to learn). 

After the movie, they made out of a little while, and then they just cuddled and talked about random stuff. Louis laid with his head in Harry’s lap and told him a story about how he and one of his friends, Calvin, tricked one of their teachers into thinking Louis’ name was Lewis… halfway through the school year. Then he ran his fingers through Harry’s curls as Harry talked about how Gemma once tricked 10-year-old Harry into thinking she did drugs as a practical joke but Harry had overreacted and tried to call the authorities because it was illegal. And how ever since, Gemma always joked that if she ever needed help in running from the cops, she would never call Harry. 

It was somewhere in that hour of bliss, that hour of just laying and cuddling and talking and laughing that Harry realized that he loved Louis. 

It wasn’t a groundbreaking realization. He wasn’t shaken to his core or shocked or surprised. It was a gradual moment of understanding. His brain thinking: yes, this is what it feels like. This is what love feels like. I love this man. And accepting that yes, he was so glad that he loved this man. That they were together. Harry could see himself growing up with Louis. Getting married to Louis. Having a family with Louis (both of them wanted kids very badly). Growing old with Louis. 

It should have been scarier than it was but Harry wasn’t afraid. He was steady. He was sure. He knew this was a forever kind of thing. He couldn’t imagine anything breaking him and Louis apart. They’d be together for good. He knew it. Even at his young age of 19. He knew. He was sure of it. He loved Louis. He was probably never going to stop loving Louis. 

He felt it deep in his bones. LouisandHarry. They were meant to be together. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a few days late, sorry about that.
> 
> Also the flashback for this chapter is pretty much 100% fluff which I'm not sorry about. I felt like we needed more cute and soft larry moments especially for the shitstorm that's about to come. 
> 
> In fact, things are about to get a lot more... intense. The mystery is *this* close to being unraveled, trust me. 
> 
> Also, what do we think about finally getting Harry's POV for a flashback??? I've been wanting to for a bit especially because all his POV has been in this story so far has been hating or ignoring Louis and I have to prove that he did love Louis!!! A lot!!! He's just hurt :( and oblivious to the whole story :(
> 
> Remember to stream We Made It and Lights Up and to be ready for Don't Let It Break Your Heart on November 22nd (the namesake for this fic). Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and are as ready as I am for the next chapter. Have the best day ever, remember that you matter, and comment if you'd like (feedback is always appreciated). Until next time!!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a few things:  
1\. In the second to last chapter, when Harry and Louis go to Doncaster and Harry meets his family for the first time, I got the dates mixed up but Johannah is meant to be PREGNANT (about three-ish months in?) in that chapter so just pretend that was mentioned and that Harry fawned over Jay and was appropriately excited by the thought of babies. I got the timings messed up in my outline. Also, Jay and Dan aren't married yet so the 'Ms. Poulston' was still accurate, in case you were wondering. I wanted to keep this as close to canon as possible even though this is an au.  
2\. Speaking of this chapter- this one was really hard for me to write because we're delving into the root of Louis' insecurities and what happened in the past. It's still not the whole story- that's NEXT chapter (it's going to be a really long one) but you're definitely starting to get an idea.

**July 2017**

“Where are we going?” asked Louis, fidgeting with his seatbelt. He was sitting in the passenger seat of Zayn’s car and Louis had just noticed that they were going in the wrong direction from the way to their flat, turning left and not the usual right. 

“Okay, don’t freak out,” said Zayn quickly. Louis immediately tensed, confused and concerned. 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean!?” he exclaimed. “What’s going on?”

Zayn took a left turn and waited a little while before answering, “We’re going to Liam’s flat.” 

It took a second to process but after he did, he gasped. It felt like someone had just punched him in the gut. “What!”

“The party I told you about, remember?”

“WHAT!” he repeated, louder this time. His heart was racing and his hands started to shake. Liam’s flat. Harry’s flat. No, no, no. 

Zayn glanced at him, looking guilty, “You don’t have to stay the whole time, but I think it would be good for you to just at least stop by and say hi to Li, and maybe talk to his flatmates.”

Talking to his flatmates is the last thing he wants to do. The thought of seeing Harry again after so long… It made his stomach clench and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. He heaved, and choked out, “Can’t… I can’t.”

“Shit, Louis,” said Zayn, eyes wide.

Louis didn’t answer. He felt faint. He can’t go to Liam’s flat. He can’t face Harry or Niall. He can’t. He had spent the past month and half that he's known about Harry's existence as Liam's flatmate obsessed with the possibility. It was a cruel addiction because he knew that no matter what he hoped or dreamed or wanted- Harry would not be happy with seeing him again like Louis would be happy to see him. He had spent weeks tossing and turning in bed, having nightmares where he met Harry for the first time in years and was humiliated, yelled at, or worse: ignored, dismissed, treated as Zayn's flatmate not as someone Harry once loved. Liam had hung out with him and Zayn plenty of times in the past month and while Louis really liked Liam and now considered him a good friend and he really liked the way he made Zayn happy, every visit was a harsh reminder that Liam was coming to see them after driving from his flat. His flat where Harry, his Harry, lived and breathed. Liam was flatmates with Harry, probably really good friends with Harry. He knew what Harry was doing and how he was, if he was healthy, happy, or something else. Liam _knew _but Louis couldn't ask. It was agonizing. He vaguely hears Zayn tell him that he’s going to pull over but everything seems blurry and hazy. He's still shaking. 

Some indescribable amount of time later, he feels a hand grip his shoulder. Firm and warm. An anchor. “Breathe Lou,” said Zayn. Louis inhaled deeply, and then released a shaky breath. His eyes watered. 

It took him a few minutes to come down from his panic attack and all the while Zayn whispered words of encouragement to him and squeezed his shoulder. He looked exceptionally guilty, “I’m so sorry Louis. I didn’t think you were going to react like this. We can go back. I’ll call Liam-”

“You should still go,” blurted Louis. He brushed his fringe out of his eyes and slumped in his seat. “You should.”

Zayn frowned, “I don’t know if I want to leave you alone after this…”

Louis wrenched out of Zayn's grip, and rolled his eyes. “I’m not going to go cut myself just because I had a panic attack Zayn,” he snapped. It came out much harsher than he intended.

Zayn flinched violently, “Don’t do that…”

“Sorry,” he said. He felt guilty again. _You're a terrible person. Zayn deserves so much better._ “You should go to the party. I’ll drive back.”

Zayn frowned, “No way."

“Fine I'll call a cab,” said Louis. “I mean it Z, go hang out with Li.”

Zayn was still looking at him with his usual worried, scared expression. “But-”

“I’ll be fine,” said Louis. “I’ll just watch Friends, or call Calvin, and I’ll text you if something goes wrong but nothing will.” He lowered his voice slightly, “It’s been months Z, I think you can at least try to trust me again.”

“I do trust you,” said Zayn but they both knew it was a lie. “Okay, you know what? Fine. Alright. We’ll go to Liam’s flat and you’ll come in and say hi and I'll drive you back or you can grab a cab. That’s the only thing I’ll accept.”

Louis frowned, “But-”

“Nope, that’s all I’m taking,” said Zayn. 

“You can’t tell me what to do,” said Louis, but they both knew that was a lie too. “Fine.” He would just say hi to Liam and leave. Hopefully Harry wouldn’t be in the room. Maybe he won’t even recognize Louis- he’s not that memorable anyway. He knew Harry’s moved on much faster and easier than he has. 

“Okay,” said Zayn, and he pulled on to the road again. 

It was after they parked right outside the sleek, new apartment complex that Liam, Niall, and Harry apparently lived at, that Louis realized that he was dressed in grey sweatpants and an old, worn-out blue jumper (long-sleeved, because even though it had been months, doesn’t mean the evidence had faded). They were comfort clothes, meant for lounging around the house, not for going to parties where there would be a lot of people. Clothes that he was now mortified to be potentially seen by Harry in. 

He could just hear the nasty words in his head. _ Doesn’t it bother you that your boyfriend doesn’t even try to look nice for these things? You look so immaculate and sexy and he’s dressed like he’s going to sleep. _It feels like a punch to the gut. This was a bad idea. He cannot go in there like this. 

“Okay,” said Zayn, effectively interrupting his inner turmoil. “I let Liam know we’re coming up and he’s buzzing us in. He said he left the door open to their flat but the party’s going to be on the roof.” 

Louis nodded shakily. He wanted to tell Zayn that he couldn’t do it but words were failing him. Zayn slung his arm around Louis’ shoulder and they strolled into the building. Louis tried to even out his breathing, and smoothen out his facial expressions but Zayn still noticed something was up. “You’re going to be alright,” he said, squeezing Louis quickly. “You’re so strong.”

_Am I?_ He wanted to ask. But instead he nodded, and gave him a weak smile. Zayn didn’t know the real reason he was panicking. He probably thought Louis was just worried about having to interact with more people which was a fair guess because that was definitely part of it. He didn’t know about Harry and how he probably hates Louis or worse, he’s completely forgotten about him. He shuddered. 

“Breathe Lou,” said Zayn, right as the elevator doors opened. He leaned in and pressed a short, sweet kiss to Louis’ temple. It wasn’t a new thing between them- little platonic kisses. Louis closed his eyes and exhaled, the gesture centering him. He’s going to be alright. He’s just going to say hi and then leave. 

Zayn’s phone buzzed right as they reached room 28B. He retracted his arm and pursed his lips, “Liam said he’s upstairs with the rest of the guests, so we should head up.”

Louis froze. The party is upstairs meaning lots of people. Lots of people and Harry. No. 

“I have to use the bathroom,” he blurted and nearly winced at his abrupt words. 

Zayn didn’t seem to notice though. “Okay, meet me upstairs after you’re done. You only have to stay to say hi to Liam, and Niall and Harry. Who knows, maybe you and Niall will get to talking about college or something- you said you guys were pretty close once.” 

“Maybe,” said Louis, though the possibility of him and Niall being the friends they once were was completely impossible due to what he did. He felt wobbly and sick. In less than five minutes he was going to see Harry for the first time in years. If the situation wasn’t as it was, he’d even be excited. But he can’t. Harry either hates him or doesn’t care at all about him. He didn’t know which one was worse. “I’ll be there.”

Zayn left him and he took another deep breath, hand gripping the doorknob.

He only had to get this over with, he reminded himself. Then he can bolt and cry the rest of the night and shovel ice cream and be pathetic until Zayn came back, demanded an explanation, and then ultimately ended up holding Louis as he cried again. It was okay, he told himself. At the end of this night, he still had Zayn. That was much better than it could have been. 

Dealing with Niall wouldn’t be too tough since he hadn’t reacted negatively that time at the grocery store. He wondered if there’d be anyone else he knew. Maybe Barbara, if Niall and her were still dating. He froze, what if Harry was dating someone? A shudder ran down his body. It wasn't unreasonable to think. Harry was definitely a catch: charming, kind, handsome, endearing, caring... _Shut the fuck up Louis. _He took another deep breath, blinking away the images of Harry with some other unnamed girl or guy that wasn't him. 

He gripped the doorknob again, pulled and then walked into the flat. 

He stopped dead upon entering, suddenly overwhelmed. It dawned on him that this is where Harry lived. It was where Harry slept and ate and laughed and spent most of his life, his life without Louis.

He let out a shaky breath. He didn’t realize that seeing it in real life would affect him this much. It wasn’t even anything super shocking- just a flat. A nicely decorated, cozy flat with art pieces on the walls that Louis _ knew- _knew with every part of his being that Harry had picked out. It was just the sort of abstract but strangely beautiful pieces he’d spend hours picking out. 

He was standing in the living room and he couldn’t stop himself from looking around and thinking- that’s the sofa where Harry sits and watches TV, all sprawled out like he always sat. That’s the table where Harry puts his feet up while he watches TV. That’s the TV that Harry watches after a long day- Love, Actually; Titanic; the Notebook; Sleepless in Seattle; 10 Things I Hate About You; Friends; the Office; Daredevil; Peaky Blinders; any other shows and movies he had started watching without Louis. And in the corner, near the door, was a piano. A sleek, classy beauty that Louis couldn’t help but run his fingers across, throat clogged and mind filled with memories. Harry didn’t play the piano but Niall did. Gemma did too. 

He closed his eyes as the memories surfaced. Him at the Styles house, playing Mozart and Beethoven. Gemma applauding his talent. Anne praising him. Him preening. Harry, always present there beside him, proud. He swallowed the lump that formed in his throat and moved on. 

Behind the living room was the kitchen: an open layout. Bright, wide, and with minimalist, expensive looking appliances. A kitchen for someone who loves to cook. This is where Harry cooks. And bakes. And where he makes food for friends, neighbors, anyone. Anyone who isn’t Louis. 

He ignored his tears as he found the bathroom. 

-

It took him much longer than expected to be able to come out of the bathroom. He had to dry his tears and fix his hair into something that was hopefully a little less, just rolled-out of bed. He flinched as he remembered _ rat-like. _He also gave himself a pep-talk, or tried to anyway. It doesn’t work. 

He sighed and dragged his feet as he walked down the hallway, back to the main room. He nearly tripped over his own feet as voices suddenly flood the silent flat. “I can’t believe we forgot vodka, of all things!” exclaimed a voice. A very familiar deep, slow voice that sends every cell in Louis’ body quivering. He froze, stuck halfway across the hallway with his mouth gaping. He couldn’t believe it. 

Harry. 

“A crime,” agreed another voice. Louis went rigid, a cold uncomfortable feeling running down his spine. This voice was also familiar. But not in a nice way. 

Now he was scared and he wanted out but he couldn’t- not yet. He couldn’t confront Harry by himself let alone Harry and his friend. He had to wait and pray they didn’t find him here. They were getting vodka. That was in the kitchen, so hopefully they wouldn’t come back down the hallway. 

“What do you think of Zayn?” asked Harry. Harry. It felt weird to hear Zayn’s name come out of his mouth. It was even weirder to realize that they’ve met up multiple times and are probably even friends and neither of them know about Louis’ relationship with the other. 

“He’s nice,” said the other voice. Hearing him made Louis feel small. He hadn’t felt this small in a long, long time and that was saying something. “He’s got kind of a bad boy slash brooding artist vibe and he’s hot as fuck. I’d shag him if Liam hadn’t already hooked him.”

Harry laughed, “You’d shag anyone.”

“You’re one to talk Styles,” was the retort and Louis felt sick. He couldn’t listen to this. He felt dizzy and small and pathetic and small and wrong and small. 

“Heyyyyyyy,” said Harry in his deep, slow voice that glided like soft velvet on Louis’ skin even after so long. He shivered, tears coming into his eyes. Harry wasn’t his anymore. “We should probably go. Liam said Zayn brought his roommate and I should probably say hi even if it’ll be weird.”

“Why will it be weird?”

“His name is Louis,” said Harry and Louis flinched, heart racing. Harry knew about him (he tried very hard to ignore the way he said his name). 

“Louis?” asked the other voice. “Like your ugly ex Louis?”

Louis sucked in a breath. No, no, no, he didn’t want to hear this. 

He didn’t hear a response which should have comforted him but didn’t mean anything because Harry could have nodded for all he knew. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t listen to Harry talk about how horrible he was- how ugly or pathetic he was. 

“I always think that it’s ended up being good that Louis left you,” said the voice. Louis’s throat closed up. No, no, no. “He was holding you back and you’re so much better without him.” 

“Yeah, I guess so,” said Harry, _ his _Harry, and Louis crumbled, quietly falling to his knees. Out, he needed out. This was the worst kind of torture. 

“He was clingy as hell,” continued the other and Louis flinched as if slapped. He knew it was the truth but it still hurt to hear. “And let’s be real, you were on a whole other level than him. I’m glad you finally realized your self-worth and that you deserved _ so _much better.”

“Hmm,” said Harry, which wasn’t an explicit agreement but it wasn’t anything close to a denial either. “He left me though.”

“I know! The nerve! Imagine leaving Harry Styles, the fucking asshole!” Each word felt like a punch to the gut. “We both knew you deserved to be the one to dump that rat.”

That was the heaviest blow to Louis’ crumbling fort. He was blasted to pieces. He keeled over, hands clenched, tears falling from his eyes, and body shaking. It was all true. All of it was true. He was nothing. Harry agreed. Malcolm agreed. 

In the background he could hear Harry and Malcolm continue their conversation and when the door shut again, Louis let out a strangled cry. 

He was nothing. 

It took him a few more minutes before he could rise to shaky feet. His whole body was quivering. His mind was hurtling more truths at him and he stumbled at each one. 

_ You’re nothing. _

_ You’re worthless. _

_ Everyone is better off without you: Harry, Zayn, Lottie… _

_ You’re ugly. _

_ You’re pathetic. _

_ You’re a rat. _

_ You’re a burden to everyone. _

_ They’re better off without you. _

_ They’re better off without you. _

_ They’re better off without you. _

And then he was running. He ran out the door and turned immediately, heading for the elevator. Behind him he could hear a confused, “Louis?” 

It wasn’t Zayn, but Niall. Even worse. He looked like a mess right now. Fuck, he was such a mess. 

_ They’re better off without you. _

He entered the elevator and jammed the button for the first floor, tears pouring down his face like his eyes were two mini waterfalls. He felt numb and beaten. 

_ They’re better off without you. _

It was still bright and sunny outside- some sort of mockery from the world. _ Everyone is happy but you. You don’t deserve happiness. You don’t belong here. _

_ They’re better off without you. _

He tried to be reasonable. He told himself Zayn would be worried. He’d be disappointed. But Zayn would inevitably be disappointed either way. Louis is a broken human being. He cannot be fixed. It was a horrible revelation but he knew it was nothing but the truth. With one last look at the building, he took off down the street, in the opposite direction of their flat. 

With every step of his vans hitting the pavement he heard the words. 

_ Fat. Ugly. Worthless. Burden. Attention-seeker. Nobody. Pathetic. Weak. _

_ They’re better off without you. _

_ \- _

**Earlier that day (rewind)**

“Where the fuck are the red solo cups we bought yesterday?” asked Liam, hands gripping his head as paused from his previous pacing. 

“I already brought them upstairs,” reminded Harry for the third time in the past fifteen minutes. 

“Oh,” said Liam.

Harry and Niall exchanged a look. Liam was stressed out, that was clear. Except he had no reason to be stressed. They were in the flat, getting ready to carry up the last of the food that Harry, Liam, and Barbara had made earlier that afternoon. Everything else was set. Malcolm was already here as well as Niall’s friend Shawn from the hospital. And more people were due to arrive. Harry hoped that one of those people was Zayn for everyone’s sake. Zayn always seemed to make Liam relaxed and smiley. It was nice and also really convenient for situations such as these. As if on command, Liam’s phone buzzed. He checked it and grinned, “Zayn’s here.”

“Thank god,” said Niall, confirming Harry wasn’t alone in his thoughts. 

“Well, we need to get the food up,” Harry reminded him. Liam nodded and they all loaded themselves with the platters and bowls of appetizers, salad, and little sandwiches that Harry had meticulously put together. He loved cooking more than a lot of other things in life and he didn’t mind cooking everything by himself, but having Barb and Liam’s help wasn’t unwelcome either. 

They carefully carried everything up and thankfully, Shawn noticed they were coming and opened the door to the roof for them. Harry set his platter of the sandwiches on the table they had set up and let out a satisfied sigh. “Everything is ready.”

They had music, drinks, food, and soon there would be people for Harry to converse with. The thought excited him. 

“Oh by the way,” said Liam. “Zayn said his roommate is coming up to say hi too.”

His roommate. Louis. Harry resisted his frown, and nodded, “I’m interested to meet him.”

Liam smiled, “He’s a great guy.”

Harry nodded, and tried to ignore the way Liam said it with that knowing look. Like he was saying that Harry was going to like this guy in a non-platonic way. There was no way of that happening- especially with his unfortunate name. 

“H,” said Malcolm. He grabbed a sandwich, “Where’s the vodka?”

He scanned the table. Liam scratched his ear, “I guess we forgot something.”

“No worries, I’ll grab it,” said Harry. He definitely wanted some vodka before this night was over. 

“I’ll come with,” said Malcolm, but then Zayn showed up. He was dressed in black skinny jeans with rips at the knee that matched Harry’s own, and a leather jacket over a blue shirt. His hair was artfully swept into a quiff. 

“Hey love,” he said, and Liam immediately beamed.

“Babe,” he said, hugging him and giving him a chaste kiss. Liam turned to Malcolm, “This is my boyfriend, Zayn.”

“Malcolm, pleasure to meet you,” said Malcolm, layering on the charm. He appraised Zayn and Harry could tell he was impressed. Zayn sort of had that impact on people. 

“Nice to meet you too,” said Zayn. He turned to Harry. “Hey Harry.”

“Hey Zayn,” said Harry, grinning. He gestured to the table. “Sandwich?”

Zayn shrugged, “Sure.” He took one and Malcolm nudged him quickly.

“He’s hot,” he mouthed to Harry and Harry nodded because that was definitely true. 

“Are you alone?” asked Liam, looking around slightly confused. 

“He’s coming in a few,” said Zayn, probably referring to _ Louis. _Harry was really dreading meeting this person, which wasn’t fair. It wasn’t his fault he shared a name with someone Harry would rather forget. 

“Zayn!” exclaimed Niall, slinging an arm around his shoulder. “Let me introduce you to the others.” He pointed to Barbara, Shawn, and also Liam’s coworker Sophia who must’ve just arrived. 

“Vodka,” said Liam quickly. 

“Right,” said Harry. “I’m just going to say hi to Sophia and then Mal and I will grab some.” 

Liam nodded. “Okay, and remember to say hi to Louis whenever he comes up.”

Harry gave him a tight smile, “Will do.” 

He said hi to Sophia and had a quick conversation with her and Malcolm before the two of them headed downstairs to the flat. The door was already open so he strode right in. “I can’t believe we forgot vodka, of all things!” he said, heading for the kitchen.

“A crime,” agreed Malcolm.

Harry opened the freezer, and got out two bottles of vodka he and Niall bought last week for the occasion. “What do you think of Zayn?” he asked, curious to Malcolm’s thoughts that weren’t about his appearance.

“He’s nice,” said Malcolm thoughtfully. “He’s got kind of a bad boy slash brooding artist vibe and he’s hot as fuck. I’d shag him if Liam hadn’t already hooked him.”

Harry laughed, “You’d shag anyone.”

“You’re one to talk Styles,” was the retort. Malcolm smirked at him. It wasn’t as true as Malcolm probably thought but Harry wasn’t going to correct him. 

“Heyyyyyyy,” he said anyway, fake-offended. The truth was that it had been over a year since he had shagged someone- and that person was the single person he had slept with since... He’s made out with a few people at clubs and he almost went home with this one girl but he ultimately decided not to because he had early hours at the studio the next day (that’s what he told himself anyway). “We should probably go. Liam said Zayn brought his roommate and I should probably say hi even if it’ll be weird.”

“Why will it be weird?”

“His name is Louis,” said Harry flatly. He did his best to ignore the easy and familiar way the name slid off his tongue- like it was meant to be. 

“Louis?” asked Malcolm, incredulous. “Like your ugly ex Louis?”

Harry fumbled with the bottle, surprised at the harshness of Malcolm’s statement. Malcolm’s feelings about Louis (most likely stemming from loyalty to Harry) were no secret but he didn’t expect that intensity. 

“I always think that it’s ended up being good that Louis left you,” said Malcolm and Harry felt a twinge in his gut that was saying _ wrong. _“He was holding you back and you’re so much better without him.” 

“Yeah, I guess so,” said Harry slowly. 

“He was clingy as hell,” continued Malcolm and Harry was slightly confused. He didn’t know where all of this was coming from. He knew Malcolm was probably trying to make him feel better but Harry was over Louis, he didn’t need validation. “And let’s be real, you were on a whole other level than him. I’m glad you finally realized your self-worth and that you deserved _ so _much better.”

“Hmm,” said Harry, frowning now. He was even more confused. “He left me though.”

“I know! The nerve! Imagine leaving Harry Styles, the fucking asshole!” For some reason, Malcolm labelling Louis as an asshole felt wrong, but he didn’t say anything. “We both knew you deserved to be the one to dump that rat.”

Harry blinked, shocked at the ferocity of the last statement. He had never heard Malcolm is hateful before, even when talking about fellow models or “back-stabbing bitches”. 

He didn’t know what to say. Something inside him was itching to correct him- tell him no, Louis was not a rat. He didn’t deserve that slander even if he did break Harry’s heart. But he didn’t say anything, “Let’s go back up.”

“Sure,” said Malcolm, grabbing one of the bottles. “Can’t wait to get drunk.”

“Me too,” said Harry, closing the door behind them. He still felt out of sorts. Surprisingly, a lot of guilt was surfacing inside him. No one else but him heard Malcolm’s slander and yet he felt a prickling sense that it was too much- that a mistake was made here. He tried to push it down. It wasn’t like Louis knew or cared about what Harry and Malcolm thought about him. It was fine. 

Louis wasn’t a rat, no, but he did leave Harry out of the blue for no reason and with no explanation. He wasn’t exactly innocent. 

-

**February 2014**

“Oh my god, they’re adorable!” cooed Barbara, scrolling through the dozens of pictures on Louis’ iPhone.

“They are,” agreed Louis with a smile. 

“What are their names?” asked Barbara, who was pretty much all heart-eyes by this time. “They’s so precious!”

“Doris and Ernest,” said Louis fondly. “Dori and Ernie for short.”

“Adorable,” said Barbara. “And they’re a week old?”

Louis nodded, “A week and a day.”

Barbara handed the phone back, “Well they’re absolutely beautiful and healthy. I have no doubts that you’re going to be the best big brother to them ever.”

Louis ducked his head bashfully, “Thanks Barbs.”

“Anytime Lou, and remember if you ever need someone to babysit, I will happily do so,” said Barbara. “I love kids.”

“I know,” said Louis with a chuckle, “But you also know that Harry loves kids and he’s going to want to spend as much time as possible with the twins so we’ll see how often you get a chance.” He thought back to how Harry had reacted to seeing the newborns when they drove down to Doncaster to see them. If Barbara was heart-eyes, Harry was heart-eyes times twenty. Louis loved how much Harry loved kids especially knowing how important the existence of kids in his future was. 

Barbara scowled, “I’ll fight him.”

“Fight who?” asked Niall, plopping down in the seat next to Barbara. He pressed a sloppy kiss to her cheek and she giggled. Louis rolled his eyes. The two of them had started dating at the end of last year thanks to some meddling from Harry and Louis and while Louis was glad they were happy, he also didn’t want to see the excessive PDA they partook in. Louis had a feeling that since Niall was currently drunk, that it was only going to get worse. 

“You,” said Louis, taking another sip from his beer. 

“That’s rude, Lewis,” said Niall, slurring the ‘is’ in Lewis to a ridiculous extent. 

“Thanks for your input Neil,” said Louis. 

They were at a new club that a friend of Niall’s had recommended. It was pretty alright, but nothing special. Harry was who knows where. He had gone to get another round but knowing Harry, he got distracted by some stranger and was probably telling his life story to a random drunk college student. 

He scanned the room for his boyfriend but came up short. He wasn’t too worried though. 

Turning back to Niall and Barbara, he immediately recoiled and groaned. Niall and Barbara were now making out in front of him. Great. 

“For fuck’s sake,” he said, getting up. “Get a room!” Neither of them reacted. In fact, Niall began to pull Barbara onto his lap and Louis had definitely had enough. He swayed slightly, but luckily, he hadn’t overdone it with the drinks so far that night so he could walk across the room to the bar in search for Harry. He passed grinding couples and drunkards and one handsy guy who tried to grope Louis’ ass (shudders). The bartender was chatting to a random customer that was surprisingly not Harry. He frowned, and took another look around. 

Finally, his eyes latched onto the familiar tall figure of his boyfriend. Harry was dressed in his usual black skinnies/bold, mostly unbuttoned shirt combo with golden boots on his feet. His hair curling delectably, much longer now that he was growing it out. Newly 20 and sexier than ever. Louis wanted to lick him. That was definitely not a sober thought. 

Who was he kidding, he thought that all the time. 

He frowned though once he realized Harry was actually talking to someone that he somehow missed. He had blonde, wavy hair and wore a sheer black shirt and black jeans. Harry and him seemed to be locked into a pretty animated conversation. He wondered what it was Harry was rambling about: his experience as a baker, yoga class recommendations, or something else hipster-y that Louis would most definitely make fun of him for. 

He decided he ought to go save the poor soul and made his way over. 

Harry’s gaze caught onto him and he perked up, “Louuuuuu.”

Louis smiled, and walked right into his boyfriend. Harry opened his arms and they fit together like they always did. Louis sighed happily. LouisandHarry. 

“Hey Lou,” said Harry, kissing his head. “This is my friend Malcolm, I met him at that banquet two weeks ago and we bumped into each other today, what are the chances!”

Louis turned his head in Harry’s tight grip, and smiled at the man- Malcolm. “Hi, I’m Louis.”

Malcolm’s eyes widened, “Ahh, I see.”

Louis blinked, “Nice to meet you.”

“You too,” he said. “Now Harry, what was it you were saying about the shoot you did recently?”

Harry eagerly continued his chatter and Louis was left feeling kind of stung. He brushed it off though. Malcolm probably hadn’t meant to sound so dismissive. He was probably tipsy and confused and Harry didn’t seem to notice anything either. It was fine. 

He was overreacting. He knew it and he hated it. Over the past year with Harry (they celebrated their first anniversary only two weeks ago), he had come a long way with his insecurities (a lot of the credit going to Harry for helping understand his own worth) but that didn’t mean they didn’t still pop up now and again. 

The conversation continued and everything was fine. Malcolm was a nice person. Harry clearly liked him a lot and Louis trusted Harry’s judgement in people more than anyone else so he could like Malcolm too. 

It didn’t matter that Malcolm seemed to laugh really loud at all of Harry’s drunken stupid jokes and how he kind of looked at Harry like Harry looked Louis whenever Louis stretched and his short rode up to expose part of his abdomen and it didn’t matter that he was actually really attractive and that sheer shirt looked really good on him and Louis was sure that he’d never be able to pull something like that off- he’s a nice person. 

Later on in the night when Niall and Barbara had stopped sucking faces, they met Malcolm too. Everything was fine and no one else seemed to think anything like Louis was thinking so obviously that meant he was wrong. 

Everything became okay again when Harry pulled Louis out to the dance floor to dance and he wrapped his arms around Louis’s waist and gripped his hips and Louis tangled his fingers in Harry’s long, soft hair and they danced slowly and closely and Harry hooked his chin over Louis’ head and Louis tucked his face into Harry’s neck and everything else faded away. Everything was fine. 

Louis was overreacting when he saw Malcolm look Harry up and down and lick his lips too. Besides, it’s not like Louis could be mad about that- Harry was very attractive and anyone could notice and appreciate that. 

Everything was fucking fine. 

Despite that, Louis was relieved when Malcolm said his goodbyes (and hugged Harry for an amount of time much too large for someone you just met two weeks ago) and left. 

Then it was just LouisandHarry again. Together and joined as one. 

Louis leaned his head on Harry’s shoulder and closed his eyes, just breathing. “I love you,” he said softly. 

“I love you too,” said Harry only slightly slurred, kissing his temple. “More than anyone else. You’re my favorite person baby, this past year with you has been amazing.”

Louis blushed, feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Harry kissed his nose and he blushed harder. One year and Harry was still affecting him this much. But he didn’t really mind. 

Everything was fine because Louis was Harry’s favorite person. 

Harry nudged him, “I’m your favorite too, right?”

Louis feigned an apologetic look, “Sorry Curly, I’m afraid Neil is my favorite.”

Harry scowled, “You love me way more than Niall.”

Louis bit his lip and shrugged, “I dunno about that.”

Harry pouted and snuck his arm around Louis’ waist, “I’m your favorite.”

“Sure Harold.”

“I am.”

“Alrighty.”

Harry turned his face and kissed him, fast and unexpected. Louis’ lips parted and he melted. Harry bit his bottom lip and snuck his tongue in. Louis threaded his fingers in Harry’s hair, and he felt Harry’s fingers slip under his shirt and grip his hip bone, warm and comforting. “Okay,” mumbled Louis against Harry’s plump lips, “You’re my favorite.”

Harry smirked against his lips and Louis gently slapped him. 

Everything was fine and now Niall and Barbara weren’t the only two college students making out in the club. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. 
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments and feel free to leave feedback! I can't wait for the next chapter even though it's going to be twice as hard for me to write and it's also going to be really long... So stay tuned. 
> 
> I hope everyone is having a lovely day!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ:
> 
> So just a warning before you read this. This chapter contains descriptions of self harm, very very vague descriptions, but if that triggers you PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and do not read!!! This chapter is split between chapters from the past (2014) and chapters from present (2017). The past chapters are SAFE to read even if self-harm is one of your triggers. So if you don’t want to lose track of the story, keep an eye on the bold time stamps. You can read the very first 2017 timestamp {marked as July 2017 (that same evening)} because that is Zayn’s POV and it doesn’t contain any of that. Just beware of the content warnings. You don’t have to read it. You are not missing that much. You pretty much get the gist of it. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. 
> 
> ALSO TW: anxiety and panic attacks. These cannot be avoided in this chapter unfortunately :( In fact, anxiety is kind of going to be a big part of the story from now on. The previous chapters have been pretty vague about it (never stating explicitly) but yes, Louis has anxiety and he has to deal with it in the past and the present. It's based off my own anxiety. If this triggers you, please take care of yourself and maybe don't read this story. 
> 
> This chapter is also ridiculously long, about 10k words (aka twice the size of a usual chapter). I just wanted to keep this flashback sequence together and get all of it out. There's still so much missing. Aka the big break up scene which is coming in the next chapter. This is just the spiral downwards to that point. 
> 
> Have fun.

**July 2017 (that same evening)**

Zayn was listening to Barbara describe the art show she had attended the week before when Niall approached them, a worried frown etched onto his face. 

“Hey babe,” said Barbara. 

“Hey darling,” said Niall pressing a quick kiss to her cheek. He turned to Zayn, “I need to talk to you.”

Confused, Zayn nodded and followed him to a vacant part of the roof. A few more people had arrived in the last few minutes, but still no show of Louis. Zayn was sure he was hiding downstairs in the bathroom, and after talking to Niall, he was going to find him and drag him out to say hi to everyone. He felt guilty for tricking Louis into coming to the party but he didn’t expect it to be such a big deal, and he wanted Louis to meet Liam’s friends. He already knew Niall and he knew that Louis would fit in with everyone. But maybe he moved a little too quickly. He’d definitely be apologizing properly and making it up to him tomorrow. “What is it?” he asked the Irishman. 

“I just saw Louis run out from the flat and downstairs,” said Niall, grimly. Zayn froze. Shit. 

“Where’d he go?” 

“I think he left,” said Niall. “I’m slightly concerned, it looked like he was crying…”

Shit shit shit. 

“Thanks Niall,” said Zayn. Niall nodded and moved away, clearly sensing Zayn needed to be left to himself. Zayn’s mind raced. Louis probably went home but he felt a tendril of worry bloom in his stomach. He dialed Louis’ phone and waited, biting his lip. 

It went to voicemail after ringing and Zayn cursed under his breath. He sent a quick text: _ Where r u? _

After a second, he added _ Reply asap Lou, I’m worried. _

A minute later with no reply, he went to find Liam, trying to ignore the worry that was manifesting in his gut. The rotten but familiar feeling that told him this felt a lot bigger than he had initially thought. Something that brought him back to a day six months ago all too ingrained in his head. 

-

Louis was shivering. It wasn’t cold outside. Not cold at all. It was July and Louis was dressed as if it were November yet he was shivering. 

His face was stained with tears but no new droplets fell from his eyes. He had no tears left to cry. Instead, he stood in front of a CVS, debating. 

His phone had been buzzing for the past few minutes, but he just turned it off. Eyes blurring the notifications from Zayn: _ Where r u? _

_ I’m worried. _

_ Lou please. _

_ Don’t run from me. _

It didn’t end up taking to long for him to decide. He was pathetic and weak. Every promise he had made was out the window. All he could think about was relieving the ache he had. He wanted a release. He wanted to feel centered again. He wanted the comfort that only one thing could bring him. So with one last shudder, he stepped into the shop, leaving his last ounce of dignity behind him. 

Shame curled inside him. But he was far past feeling embarrassed of himself. 

-

**April 2014**

“You look really handsome,” said Malcolm. 

“Thanks Mal,” said Harry. Louis tried to ignore the hungry look Malcolm was directing to Harry, right in front of him. It was nothing new, especially now that Harry and Malcolm were becoming closer friends, bolstered by the partnership they had for one of Harry’s shoots: Harry photographing and Malcolm modelling. 

They spent hours together at the studio every day and often got lunch and dinner together. In fact, Harry was so busy with shooting that he had quit working at the bakery- a decision that shocked many of their friends. 

He took a sip of his wine and stared at the table. They were eating at some fancy place downtown where everyone wore expensive clothes and the waiters talked in posh accents that made Louis feel out of place with his northern accent. Malcolm had invited Harry to dinner- well technically Harry said he invited both of them but Louis was pretty sure Harry had to insist that he come as well. He tried to ignore the fact that this restaurant had a very romantic atmosphere, not all a place you’d invite your coworker/colleague for celebrating. 

Harry and Malcolm had been chatting about the shoot and various other things relating to the shoot or modelling that Louis knew basically nothing about. He hadn’t said anything in about ten minutes and the two of them had been chatting the entire time. He took another sip of his wine just as Malcolm let out a tinkling, charming laugh, gently touching Harry’s shoulder as he did. Louis frowned. 

He almost sighed audibly in relief when their water returned, offering them a check. 

Malcolm insisted on paying (Louis didn’t mind that at all) but he frowned, “Time does go fast doesn’t it.”

Fast. Ha!

Harry made a noise of agreement, before turning to Louis. He smiled softly at him, dimples popping out. “Ready baby?” 

Louis immediately smiled, taking limitless pleasure in the way Malcolm’s mouth opened and then snapped shut, eyes wide. 

“Yeah love,” he said, sliding out of the booth. Harry followed, slid his arm around his waist, grounding him. He relaxed. “Film when we get home?” he whispered, stretching up slightly to reach Harry’s ear. Harry nodded and Louis felt a warm glow ignite inside him. 

He may not like Malcolm at all but that didn’t matter, because Harry was still his and he was still Harry’s and they were the ones who slept in the same bed at the end of the night. 

-

**July 2017 (same day)**

Louis was standing in the middle of the men’s hygiene section, clenching and unclenching his hands. The tears had stopped falling a few minutes before but he still felt that weight on his chest, the fluttery potential for him to suddenly burst into tears again if he breathed too hard or blinked too much. He felt skittery and shaky. He was staring at the rack with men’s razors, all neatly packaged and advertised in

He hadn’t used one of them in months thanks to Zayn. He had found some sort of special, ten times less sharp razors for Louis to use to shave instead. Using those took him three times the time to shave that it normally took but it wasn’t like Louis had a lack of time nowadays. 

He shuddered and before he could second-guess himself, he grabbed a box. 

Something in him released as his finger tips gripped the plastic box. 

This was going to make him feel better. The pain was going to help him feel better. He repeated it to himself as a mantra. 

_ They’re better off without you. _

-

**June 2014**

Things had been rough between Harry and Louis for the past couple of weeks. Things were busy. Louis graduated college with his degree in teaching and was now working on applications for positions as a drama teacher nearby. Harry had been busy as ever managing his classes and finals as well as still doing shoots. Malcolm’s recommendations had gotten him in with bigger stars. Harry was being invited to photograph more models. 

“I feel like I’m making connections Lou,” he had whispered when they were in bed a week ago, hands threading through Louis’ fringe. “Photography is fun, but I don’t really see myself doing it as a career. I think it’ll be useful to have connections if I want to start a music career.”

Louis had smiled softly, eyes closed, “You’re going to be a rockstar one day Styles, I’m betting on it.” 

Harry kissed the spot right under his ear, and huffed, “I dunno bout that, but maybe I’ll get some gigs. Be London famous, not world famous.”

Louis disagreed. Harry Styles was definitely rock star potential. His charm and charisma, his confidence, and his deep, throaty voice- the most beautiful voice in the world in Louis’ opinion. Harry said he preferred Louis’ soft, raspy voice. 

Now however, it was the summer. Harry was out of school. Louis was done with his applications and had sent them all out a day ago. Harry was taking a break from his usual schedule of multiple shoots a week to focus on songwriting. He just had his last day today and then he was free. They were free. Louis couldn’t wait. 

He had decided weeks in advance that he wanted to do something special. 

It was a truth universally acknowledged (by mainly Harry, Niall, and his family) that Louis couldn’t cook for shit. He could pull off a sandwich or maybe some cup noodles, but nothing remotely fancy. However, today he intended to change that. Harry normally did all the cooking and Louis did the dishes and it worked well for them, but Louis wanted to surprise him. He had a fancy, romantic dinner planned. He had brought out a fancy tablecloth that he honestly had no idea where it came from and had bought some flowers from a local shop.

The recipe he chose was chicken stuffed with mozzarella wrapped in parma ham with a side of homemade mash- fancy but not too ambitious for his beginner skills. He had bought all the ingredients yesterday too on the way back from the post office and had done a practice round when Harry was at the gym. He had even skyped his mum to go over everything one final time that morning so he didn’t screw it up and burn down the flat. 

He set out to start at 5:45 and did every step perfectly, paying special attention to measurements and timing. By the time Harry was set to come back at 8:00, the table was set, the food was ready and warm, and everything was good. He himself had showered and dressed in a lavender jumper that belonged to Harry and the black skinnies he had already been wearing. He left his hair in a fringe because that was Harry’s favorite. He had even lit candles even though he hated the too-sweet vanilla smell that Harry insisted smelled just like him. 

At 8:10, he was getting concerned. 

Harry was always punctual, even when he didn’t have to be. If he was running late, he always called or at least sent a quick text. He checked his phone- the last text had been from that morning. He frowned, and sent a quick _ when are you getting home babe? _

He stared at the message for a second and decided he didn’t even need for it to be a complete surprise: _ I did something for you… xx _

Hopefully he didn’t think he meant anything sexual. 

At 8:20, the food was getting cold. He spent a few minutes debating whether or not he should pack it away and reheat it once Harry arrived (still no text) but after five more minutes, he bit the bullet and did it. As he put the covered dish into the fridge, something inside him squeezed. It wasn’t like Harry to not be back when he said he’d be back. 

He tried to call him but it went straight to voicemail. His phone must be dead, he reasoned. That would account for his unanswered texts. It would not account for his lateness though. It’d be a lie if he said he wasn’t slightly worried. 

He wanted to call Niall, feeling more and more anxious with every round of the minute hand on the kitchen clock, but Niall was probably with Barbara and he didn’t want to disturb whatever they were doing. 

A familiar shakiness overcame him at 8:45. His anxiety wasn’t a new thing for him. He’d been dealing with it for years. Whenever he had an attack, Harry pulled him to his chest and held him tight before coaching him through breathing exercises. He’d grip his wrists (tight enough to bruise) and Louis would usually calm down enough to talk through it. But Harry wasn’t here. 

He still didn’t know if he was okay. 

He gripped the counter, and shut his eyes. The vanilla scent was beginning to make him nauseous. In a burst of action, he blew out every candle, head throbbing. He slid to the floor and rested his back against the island. Fuck. 

At 9:00, he turned on Friends. Friends always comforted him but it wasn’t doing him much today. Monica and Rachel’s banter went unnoticed. He tried calling three more times, all going straight to voicemail. 

At 9:30, he texted Niall. 

At 9:45, his mum texted him, wanting to know how everything went. Louis ignored it, and then felt guilty because she was his mum. He promised he’d call her tomorrow, once Harry was back and he could stop worrying. 

At 10, he grabbed a cigarette and went up to the roof for a smoke. He couldn’t sit all alone in the flat and suffocate in his worry while waiting for Harry, and going up to the roof always made him feel calmer. So did smoking for that matter. He had been doing it much less since he had started dating Harry, and he was very aware of the consequences, but sometimes he just needed it. This was one of those times. 

It was an added bonus that he could watch the road and potentially see Harry drive up from his post at the edge. 

It was nearly 11, when Louis caught sight of the familiar headlights of Harry’s car. He blinked, shivering. He had dozed off for a little bit there and now he was exceptionally cold even in the summer with a whole-ass jumper on but he immediately perked up at the sight of Harry. He was okay!

He watched as Harry parked in his reserved parking spot and got out. It was pretty dark outside but the nearly-full moon provided a glow of white that washed over Harry’s frame. A blue headscarf was wound through his lovely curls and he was dressed in black jeans and a green jacket (which Louis loved) over a white shirt. He tipped his head back and stretched. Louis watched as he exposed his beautiful throat. Beautiful Harry. 

He was so distracted by him that the sound of another car door opening, sound cutting through the silent night, surprised him. He sucked in a breath as Malcolm stepped out of the car. He was dressed in a silky shirt and white jeans. The outfit itself was slightly pretentious but Louis couldn’t even criticize him because he looked good in it. 

Malcolm. Harry was with Malcolm. 

Malcolm is now here at their apartment building. 

Harry invited him over. 

“Thanks for tonight,” drawled Harry, voice abruptly catching his attention as always. “I think I have a leftover cake we can eat- chocolate mousse. I dunno if Lou’s up or not.”

He is up. Unfortunately. 

“I never say no to chocolate,” said Malcolm, brightly. He moved closer to Harry as they both approached the door. 

Louis stayed on the roof for another few minutes, drawing out the time before he had to go down. Go down and face Harry and Malcolm. 

In the end, his cold hands won out and he slumped his way back to their flat. He opened the door and stepped inside, heart falling slightly. Malcolm was sitting at the table- tablecloth, roses, candles, and all- eating a slice of cake. 

Harry was standing at the fridge. Louis already knew what he was looking at. 

“Louis,” said Malcolm, surprisingly. 

Louis blinked, and cleared his throat. “Hey Malcolm.” His words came out slightly lost. He felt slightly lost. His eyes trailed to Harry, who was staring at him, mouth slightly open. “H.” 

“Lou,” he said. He was still staring as he made his way to the kitchen. 

Louis plastered on a smile, trying to keep his tone light and unaffected as he asked, “What have you two been up to?” 

Harry was still staring at him. 

“We went to that new restaurant that opened- Lula’s?” said Malcolm. “Divine food. Absolutely divine. A little over the top if I’m being honest but it’s what Harry deserves after finishing another flawless shoot.” 

Louis flinched, just the slightest bit. He tried to cover it up but Harry had seen it. “Lou,” he said quietly, reaching out and grabbing his arm. 

“I texted you,” he said quietly, feeling a little shaky. His anxiety attack had long gone, but he still felt the familiar weightless feeling, like nothing was holding him to the earth. Like he could just float away and disappear. 

“My phone died,” said Harry, squeezing his arm. “Shit, Lou I’m so sorry.” He glanced at the fridge. “You made me dinner.”

Louis looked at the floor, “Yeah.”

“And you got flowers,” he continued. “And candles. You hate those candles.”

He nodded. 

“Fuck, I’m so sorry,” said Harry, pulling him close. 

“It’s okay,” he said, internally cursing as his eyes grew watery. He shouldn’t be crying. It was a misunderstanding. Harry had every right to go out to dinner with a friend to celebrate a successful shoot and he definitely would have told Louis had his phone been accessible. It was all a misunderstanding. It didn’t make him feel like crying any less. “Seriously babe, it’s okay. You didn’t know, that’s the point of a surprise stupid.”

“I’m still sorry,” said Harry seriously. He pulled back slightly. “But Louis, _ thank you _. You cooked a meal for me. You hate cooking.”

Louis laughed at that. “I did my best.”

“I bet it’s amazing,” said Harry. “I’m too full now but I’m definitely eating it tomorrow morning.”

“For breakfast?” asked Louis fondly. 

Harry nodded, “Every last bite.” 

“I made it for two.”

“I’m still eating every last bite,” said Harry stubbornly and Louis rolled his eyes. He felt slightly better. 

He nearly jumped when Malcolm started talking again, “Maybe it was fate that you didn’t get to eat it H,” he said, smirking. “We all know how Louis is with cooking.” 

He probably meant it as a joke. He had probably heard Harry make a joke about it and he definitely didn’t mean any harm by it. If Niall had said it, Louis wouldn’t have even doubted that it was all in good fun. But for some reason, the comment really stung. It felt like a jab. Like he was being made fun of. 

But Malcolm just took another bite of cake, leaving Louis frozen in Harry’s arms. “This is really good, where’s it from?”

“Haven Bakery,” said Harry. Louis prepared himself. “Did you know I used to work there?”

After Harry told his story (which Malcolm was unsurprisingly enraptured by), he cut a slice of cake for Louis which he did his best to eat but after that evening, he was feeling a little too out of sorts to truly appreciate the chocolate delicacy. 

Malcolm eventually did leave, but not without kissing Harry’s cheek. He had done it many times before. It was nothing. It was just meant to be a polite platonic cheek kiss. Friends kissed each other’s cheeks all the time Louis told himself. It still felt like a blow to the stomach. 

Harry tried to apologize many more times even though Louis wasn’t even a little bit mad. It was all a misunderstanding and he knew that. He still felt that uncomfortable self-doubt inside him- the feeling that Harry would rather be hanging out with someone else than him. These were thoughts he hadn’t been having since they first got together and Louis was a lot more insecure. They were coming back in full force though and though Louis tried to push them down, they slipped through the cracks in his exterior and burrowed their way into his conscious. 

Later on in bed when Louis was laying pressed up against Harry’s chest, he wrapped his arms tightly around Harry’s middle as he snored, reminding himself that Harry loved him. He loved Harry and Harry loved him. LouisandHarry he reminded himself. They were golden. 

-

**July 2017 (same day)**

Louis was in line for check out. His hands were sweating. He had actually been in line before this already but he hadn’t been able to ignore the panic in his mind that the cashier person would be able to read his mind and see what he was about to do. That’d he’d see what a disgusting and shameful person Louis was and either pity or scoff at him. 

He came back with some other random shit in his basket. It looked less suspicious. He had the razors, and then a toothbrush and some conditioner even though they definitely didn’t need more (between the two of them, conditioner was never in shortage). 

He took a deep breath once it was his turn. The guy manning the register was in his early twenties. He seemed bored and didn’t even blink when checking Louis’ items. His hands shook as he handed over his credit card. He still had some cash on it even though he wasn’t working because growing up in a big family taught him how to effectively save money. 

He took the bag of his stuff and even managed to get out a rushed, “Have a nice day!” before was speedily walking out the door. He exhaled as he stepped back out into the warm summer air. 

Now all he needed a place to do it. 

-

**October 2014**

“Louis,” said Malcolm. 

Louis froze, hands stilling in his hair where he had been messing with it. “Malcolm… what a surprise.” 

“Hm,” said Malcolm, or more like sneered. He was blatantly tipsy and Louis had already learned that when Malcolm was close to drunk, he was a whole lot meaner than normal. Not that that was justification for his behavior, Louis had just taken note of it. 

They were at a pub, sitting right by the stage where in a few minutes, Harry was going to come on and sing. It was his first (and definitely not his last) gig and he was playing a few of the songs that Louis had helped him write along with a few covers. Louis was so proud of his boyfriend. 

“Nice outfit,” said Malcolm haughtily, sarcasm oozing from his crisp voice.

Louis looked down with a frown. He didn’t think there was anything wrong with… No. Malcolm was just being a dick. He was tipsy. 

Not justification. 

Also didn’t mean he wasn’t telling the truth. 

“Thanks,” he said. “Almost as nice as yours.” He gave him a smile and found pleasure in the confused frown that appeared on Malcolm’s face. 

“Tommo!!” yelled Niall, slinging an arm around his shoulders. Niall had definitely passed the threshold for tipsy and was well into drunk by now. However, drunk by Niall standards meant he was still able to talk clearly and walk in straight lines. Lucky bastard. 

“Hey Ni,” he said, relaxing at his presence. 

“Niall,” said Malcolm. 

“Malcolm,” said Niall, his usually happy-go-lucky tone slightly chillier. Louis hid his smile. Niall- who loved everyone and who was always happy and polite- agreed with him when it came to Malcolm. If only Harry could agree. 

“Malcolm was just complimenting me on my outfit,” said Louis, because why not rile Malcolm up further. 

“Oh?” said Niall, raising an eyebrow. “Well I do say, Louis, you have an impeccable fashion sense.”

They both jumped at Malcolm’s obnoxiously loud scoff. “Please, if Louis has good fashion sense, I’m a god.”

Louis frowned, because _ ouch. _He knew he wasn’t exactly as stylish as Harry (especially now that he was hanging around some of the classy, fancy types) or Malcolm himself but being reminded of how different he was- how he didn’t fit in this particular area, hurt. 

Malcolm had never been this blatantly mean to him before. Always sarcastic. Always passive aggressive. Never this obvious about it. 

Niall’s grip around his shoulders grew, “That’s fucking rude Malcolm and Louis has _ great _fashion sense, shut the fuck up.”

Louis was shocked but also really grateful for Niall’s retort. Niall may seem like the happiest ball of sunshine to exist on this planet and the type of person to never hurt a fly, but when it came to the people he loved, he was fiercely loyal and defensive. Louis was lucky to have him. 

Malcolm rolled his eyes, “Whatever you say Horan. Talk to me when he gives up the joggers.”

Louis’ face burned, his mind flashing back to a day a month ago. 

Malcolm had shown up unannounced (and probably uninvited) to their flat and Louis, as people do in the comfort of their own flats, was in one of Harry’s t-shirts and a pair of old joggers that he probably should have done away with already but kept because they were so soft and comfortable. Malcolm had looked him up and down, smirked, and said, “Still asleep then are we?” 

Louis had been embarrassed even though Malcolm was the one intruding. Harry had no issue with what he wore… Right? 

“What’s your problem?” asked Niall. “We’re all here to support Harry and I know that if he were here, he definitely would not be happy with what you’re saying about his boyfriend.”

Malcolm waved him off, “Go ahead. Whine to Harry. Louis does it all the time. Harry appreciates my honesty and my opinions. Plus I’m sure he’s embarrassed by the way Louis dresses too. Or is there another reason why I never see Louis at parties anymore?”

Louis felt like he had been punched in the gut. 

In the past few months Harry had been invited to a lot of parties with his new friends. Louis had tagged along the first few times but the whole fancy thing wasn’t his cup of tea so Harry stopped taking him. Because he knew Louis wouldn’t enjoy them. That was the reason. 

But now that Malcolm had brought up the possibility, he couldn’t stop pondering it. What if he was right? Was Harry embarrassed of Louis? He was definitely different from a lot of Harry’s new friends… 

“Shut the fuck up Malcolm,” said Niall, sounding angrier than Louis had ever seen him. 

He took Louis by the arm and marched them away. Louis followed like a lost puppy. 

He felt small. And not in a good way. 

“What the fuck,” said Niall, slamming his drink on a random table. “What the fuck was that!”

“I think he’s drunk,” said Louis after a beat too long. 

“As if that gives him the right!” exclaimed Niall. Seeing him this worked up was kind of freaking Louis out but he didn’t interrupt. “How long has he been this much of an asshole!? Wait, scratch that, the entire time I bet. What a bastard.” He turned to Louis. “Wait till Harry hears about this.”

“No,” blurted Louis, way too loudly. He bit his lip. “No,” he repeated. He could still hear it in his head: _ Go ahead. Whine to Harry. Louis does it all the time. _

He didn’t whine. Or at least, he didn’t think he did. What did Malcolm mean by that? Had he whined to Harry? Had he done it in front of Malcolm? He felt the familiar swirling of his thoughts that suggested a panic attack. 

Fuck. He can’t have a panic attack in the middle of a crowded pub right before one of the biggest moments of Harry’s life. No. 

As if reading his mind, Niall puts both hands on his shoulders and they meet eyes. “Listen to me Louis. Harry loves you. He loves you more than anything. You’re amazing. You’re one of the best people I know and trust me, I know a _ lot _ of people.”

Louis’ mouth twitched at the last one. Niall was lovely. 

“Malcolm is a piece of shit,” said Niall. “I still think you need to tell Harry because Harry would definitely not stay friends with him if he knew, no matter what Malcolm says.”

Louis nodded weakly. Maybe Niall was right. If he told Harry and Harry ended his friendship with Malcolm, things would be a lot easier. Was that horrible to wish for? Harry losing a friend. 

Malcolm may have been a jerk to him, but he had been instrumental to Harry finding confidence in his career choices. As much as Louis hated to admit it, Malcolm had helped Harry out a lot. 

Niall glanced at the stage, “Shit, he’s starting.”

Louis’ gaze immediately latched onto the stage. He watched as Harry strutted onto the stage. He was dressed in some sort of navy blue striped suit type thing that was a gift from a friend. His hair was down well past his shoulders by now, lovely dark curls. His guitar was looped around him and the microphone was already set up. His eyes were bright green and scanning the crowd. They stopped when they met Louis’. _ Rockstar _mouthed Louis. 

Harry beamed at him. 

He moved up to the stand, “Hello ladies and gentlemen!”

Louis, Niall, Barbara (who had appeared out of nowhere, drinks in hands) cheered the loudest. And Malcolm. But Louis was determined not to pay attention to him. 

“My name is Harry Styles and I’m going to sing a few songs for you lovely people,” said Harry, dimples out and eyes sparkling. “Please, sit back and enjoy.”

And then he began. 

Everything else faded away when Harry opened his mouth for heaven to pour out. Louis was the real life version of the star-eyed emoji as he watched his boyfriend blow everyone out of the water, a permanent grin on his face. Harry was wonderful. His voice: deep and rich and beautiful. His lyrics entranced the crowd. 

The next half an hour passed in a blur of Harry’s voice. Louis was in a crowded club with Niall and Barbara next to him but it was as if everything had disappeared. Harry was the only thing lucid. Harry was the only one in the room. 

It wasn’t just him that felt it. He could hear the chatter of people nearby. 

“Damnnnn.”

“He sounds like an angel.” He is an angel. 

“He’s also fine as fuck!” Louis couldn’t even feel jealous about that- they were right. Harry was sexy standing up there on the stage belting out lyrics like he was a rockstar. He was a rockstar. 

Louis was so unbelievably proud of him. The pride was a warm glow inside him, lighting him up, and making his heart soar. When Harry finally finished the setlist, the crowd exploded in applause and cheering. Louis cheered as loud as he could, throat feeling slightly sore from his efforts. Next to him, Niall whistled loudly. Harry was beaming. He looked surprised and pleased by the crowd’s reaction. His eyes scanned the room and found Louis’. He winked. He cleared his throat when the noise finally faded to a lull, “Thank you guys, you’re all so kind!”

Another little round of cheers. 

Harry’s dimples were out in full force. “Thank you all so much. Thank you to the venue for having me and thank you to all my friends- I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you.” He gave a small wave and then bowed, before walking off the stage. 

Harry headed straight to them afterwards, hugging Barbara and then Niall and then Louis, kissing him softly. “You were amazing,” said Louis seriously. “Fucking incredible. You smashed it H. Rockstar.”

Harry blushed, “Thanks love.” 

“You fucking superstar!” shouted Malcolm with glee. Louis barely managed to mask his frown as Malcolm approached them. He threw his arms around Harry and hugged him. Harry laughed and hugged back. 

“Thanks Mal,” he said, stepping back. “But seriously, thank you so much. I never would have gotten invited to do this gig if not for you.”

“Bull,” said Mal dismissively, “Said the most talented person in the room.”

Harry ducked his head. Louis stood motionless. He wanted Malcolm to leave, memories of his harsh words still echoing in his head. 

“No, really Mal, none of this would have been possible without you,” insisted Harry. “I’m so fucking grateful for all your help.”

Harry went in for another hug which Malcolm happily obliged. Harry was turned away from Louis, which meant he didn’t see when Malcolm smirked at Louis, smug. Louis’ heart fell. He couldn’t whine to Harry after this- after everything Malcolm has done to help him and his career. He couldn’t get in the way of their friendship. 

He’d just have to deal with it. 

-

**July 2017 (same day)**

Louis was in an empty bathroom in the park restrooms. He had spent ten minutes walking aimlessly around, shaking hands clutching his white CVS bag close to his chest, before finding himself at a nearby park bathroom. He wondered how he had come off to strangers. A strange, exhausted man who looked like he was seconds from falling apart. If Louis were them, he’d definitely walk in the other direction. 

He felt inexplicably cold even though it was the middle of summer. 

But now he was alone (the bathrooms were deserted at this time of day, almost 7) and he had the key to his release. 

With trembling fingers, he tore open the box and took out a single razor. He admired the sharp edge. It’s been so long since he’s seen a regular razor and he had almost forgotten how sharp it was. For the first time in the past 30 or so minutes, Louis felt a prickle of unease in his stomach. 

A curdling feeling of doubt, a whisper that maybe this wasn’t the answer. No, he told himself, no it must be. It had always satisfied him in the past- half punishing himself for being a burden and half relieving an ache, a distraction. 

_ There is nothing else for me. _The realization brought tears to his eyes. 

With one last shudder, he pulled up his sleeve and then gripped the razor. With a deep breath, he pressed the blade into his skin, letting everything go. 

-

**November 2014**

Things weren’t going too well between Louis and Harry. 

It had only been a month and two weeks since Harry’s first gig. He had played a second one and another venue which is where James Cartier, a music agent, happened to stop by to see what all the fuss was about, only to be captured by Harry’s deep voice and soulful lyrics. Harry was officially represented by the next day. 

Since then it’s been a blur of meetings, conferences, and fancy dinners and lunches with fancy people. Harry and him hadn’t done anything together in three weeks. They hadn’t even had a meal together for two weeks- Harry always out of the flat by the time Louis woke up. He still made Louis breakfast, but then he’d disappear until late at night. Louis had waited up for him the first week but after Harry stayed out until 1 am three nights in a row, Louis just stopped. 

He felt distant from Harry. They were farther apart than they ever had been as a couple. They hadn’t had sex since the night of Harry’s first gig (where they went for three rounds back to back after Louis put on a show for him, “fuck me, rockstar”). They hadn’t properly cuddled in a long while. Or watched a film or tv show, which used to be an almost daily occurrence with them during the week. 

There wasn’t any animosity. They still kissed (brief pecks during the short times they were both awake and at the flat) and they still said “I love you” but it wasn’t enough. Louis missed Harry so much it hurt. He had started teaching at his new job only a few weeks ago, taking over for another teacher who went on maternity leave and he loved it. He loved teaching and interacting with kids. He loved the thrill of being immersed with theater again. He and a fellow teacher were already planning the Spring Play: Grease. Louis was ecstatic to help organize his favorite movie/musical for these students to perform, especially since he was filled with fond memories of his own school days where he played Danny in their school production. But he wanted to share his excitement and his plans with Harry. 

He wanted to be able to tell Harry about his day, about his students and how he was slowly getting to know them all: a bright, enthusiastic group of teenagers, most of whom loved theater as much as he did. 

He decided he needed to talk to Harry. Niall and his mother agreed. So he stayed up and waited yet again. He sat on the couch, the only light in the room coming from a small lamp. He didn’t know when Harry would get back, but even if it was at 4 am, he was going to have this conversation with him. 

He didn’t hear the lock turning and the door creaking open until about midnight- which was slightly better than he was expecting. By this point he had tucked himself into the edge of the couch, a blanket swaddled around him. He nearly jumped off the couch when he finally heard the telltale signs of Harry’s return. He stood up as Harry’s figure stumbled into the dimly lit flat, cursing. Louis recognized the slur of his voice. Harry was drunk. 

That was slightly disappointing considering the discussion he had planned, and also slightly confusing. It wasn’t like he thought Harry was doing work so late at night (his instagram stories of unrecognizable people at high end clubs doing shots refuted that) but it kind of stung to see that Harry really was staying out later of his own wishes. Instead of coming back home to Louis. Or maybe Louis was just being selfish. Harry had a lot to be proud of and to celebrate. He was so close to being signed, Louis just knew it. And he deserved it. 

Louis just wished they could celebrate together. 

“Haz,” he said as Harry walked into the kitchen table and swore. “Haz, babe.” He grabbed his arm. 

Harry froze, “Lou? Shit, did I wake up?”

Louis assumed he meant “wake you up”, “No babe, I was waiting for you.”

“Oh,” said Harry. The only thing Louis could clearly see were Harry’s bright green eyes. They were slightly dilated leading Louis to believe alcohol wasn’t the only influence he was under at the moment. “Whoopsie.”

“Let’s get you to bed H,” said Louis, gently tugging him in the direction of the bedroom. 

“Wait, stoppp,” said Harry, before giggling quietly. He was leaning a lot of his weight on Louis which well- Harry weighed a _lot. _“Why were you waiting for me?”

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow,” he assured. “Let’s-”

“I missed you Lou,” said Harry with a dramatic sigh, before completely falling on top of Louis. Louis stumbled before going down. Fuck. He landed on his knees, not a pleasant experience. Harry was still draped mostly over him, giggling about who knows what. He exhaled deeply. Jesus christ. “I missed you Louuuu. That rhymes. You. Lou. Boo. Boobear.” Louis winced at the use of his childhood nickname. 

“I miss you too Haz,” said Louis, defeatedly. He couldn’t very well move when all of Harry’s weight was on top of him (and not in a pleasant way). “That’s what we’re going to talk about tomorrow.”

“Yay,” said Harry. “I love talking about stuff!!! But we don’t talk as much anymore.” Louis could hear the confused pout on his face. 

“We’re going to talk about that too,” said Louis. 

“Are we going to talk about how I never see you anymore because of your new job,” slurred Harry. Louis immediately straightened because what? 

They didn’t see each other anymore because of his job? 

“What the fuck does that mean?” he asked, not even disguising his irritation with the accusation. He worked five days a week, true, but only for five hours and yes, he had to work on lesson plans and grade stuff over the weekends but those are things that he could do while chatting to Harry and hanging out. 

If Harry was ever home. 

“You’re so busy teaching now,” said Harry. “I hate it.”

Harry was trying to tell Louis he missed him. That he missed how it was. That’s what his brain tried to tell him, but his pride and his patience encouraged him to retort, “You’re the one who’s always gone in the morning and who doesn’t come back until the middle of the fucking night.” He was pissed off. It was weeks of frustration being pushed out at once. “You’re the one who’s always busy, not me!”

“I’m busy because I’m trying to get signed,” said Harry, crossing his arms. “James said it’s going to be busy for the first few months. I’m at the studio for hours every day working hard Lou.”

“What about when you’re out partying with your new _friends_,” snapped Louis. It came out much harsher than he originally meant it, but he didn’t care. “You’re fucking drunk right now, you’re clearly working very hard!”

“I deserve the right to cool off after a long day!” yelled Harry, suddenly sounding a lot more sober. “And don’t think I didn’t notice your tone there. You have a problem with all my new friends now, don’t you?”

“Maybe I do,” said Louis. _Especially fucking Malcolm. _“Maybe part of it is that I haven’t even met any of them. You never invite me to things anymore!”

“Because you hate them!” exclaimed Harry. “You fucking can’t stand them. You always _whine_ about them and maybe I got sick of it.”

It was the use of “whine” that got to Louis the most and what ultimately enabled him to say the words that came out next, “It seems to me like you’re playing at someone you aren’t. You’re a fucking faker Harry Styles.” Even though it wasn’t possible, Louis could hear his flinch. He could feel the sting in his heart. 

Louis knew he took it too far. He knew that it would hurt him. Even after everything, Harry is vulnerable when it comes to music and choosing it as his career. It was all a big risk for him to stop doing photography and to stop working at the bakery and he was still insecure about whether he was good enough and Louis knew that. He knew that and he said it anyway. 

“Fuck you,” said Harry, voice angry. 

_ I didn’t mean it. _Before Louis could apologize, Harry ended it. 

“God, I bet I know what this is. Malcolm was right. You are being selfish,” said Harry. Louis jerked back in surprise. “You don’t want me to hang out with my new friends or work so much or do anything that I want to do because you’re selfish.”

Louis’ mouth was open in shock. This was unexpected. Louis couldn’t even process the words. Harry called him selfish. He was serious about it too. 

“Fuck this,” said Harry, and then he walked away. 

He walked away. Right into their bedroom- the bedroom with the bed they shared every night even when they didn’t see each other during the day, the sacred place where they talked, laughed, cuddled, kissed, and made love. He walked into the bedroom and slammed the door. 

Louis burst into tears. 

-

**December 2014**

Even though Harry and Louis eventually apologized to each other (after two days of sleeping as far apart as possible on the bed, Harry ignoring Louis, and glares from across the room) and even though Harry insisted that he was being a dickhead and Louis wasn’t selfish at all, things didn’t get much better for them. Both were still busy. 

Harry even more so now that he was doing weekly gigs and was in talks with multiple representatives from local labels. Louis went to as many gigs as he could (having to skip some for work related commitments) and Harry was better every single time. His crowd was also better with each show, multiplying in number of people and in volume and enthusiasm. Louis was pretty sure Harry even had some groupies now. 

They had tried to make more of an effort- scheduling dinners once a week for just the two of them. Harry stopped coming back at extremely late hours… most of the time. But for those times that he did go out late, he always called or texted Louis which he very much appreciated. They cuddled a bit more than before. Louis was also very grateful for that. He had missed cuddling Harry. They’d sit on the couch and Harry would pull him onto his lap. Louis would nuzzle his face in Harry’s neck, nosing his jaw. Harry buried his face in Louis’ hair, arms around his waist, their legs intertwined. They would speak, they’d just bask in each other’s presence, breathing the same air. Peace. 

However, Malcolm was increasingly showing up at their flat unannounced. Louis couldn’t tell Harry it bothered him (that quite frankly, Malcolm himself bothered him) so he just dealt with it. Today was one of those days. 

Louis walked into the kitchen only to do a double take once he saw Malcolm sitting at the table. He froze. He and Malcolm hadn’t had a proper conversation since October at Harry’s first gig which was a small kindness but now he was here and Harry wasn’t and he had to say something. Or he could hide in the bedroom. 

“Louis,” said Malcolm, fixing him with an observant stare. His eyes flicked to Louis’ grey sweatpants and he smirked. Louis had forgotten he was wearing them, but now he was all too aware of the worn-out fabric, and how baggy they looked on his legs. His face burned. 

“Malcolm,” he said quietly. He hated how weak his voice sounded. He wanted to leave. All he could think about now were his stupid sweatpants and how weird he probably looked in a shirt that was too big for him (another one of Harry’s) and his hair all mussed from sleep and there were probably bags under his eyes. “Nice to see you.”

“Don’t lie darling,” said Malcolm, epitome of patronization. 

“Thanks for the advice,” said Louis right as Harry rushed into the room, a wide grin on his face. 

“Guys! It’s scheduled! I’m being signed onto a label this Wednesday!” he blurted out, words stringing together in an accented slur, dimples showing and eyes green, green, green. It took a second for Louis to process but once he did, he gasped and then barrelled straight into Harry’s waiting arms. 

-

**December 31st 2014**

Louis couldn’t find Harry anywhere. 

He felt sick. They were at some rich producer’s house for their New Year’s Party. A new friend of Harry’s from his label. The mansion was big, modern, and sleek and filled to the brim with people- so many people. It was loud. Skyrocketing above Louis’ self limit of people-he-can-deal-with-at-a-time and making his anxiety levels explode. He had a glass of champagne gripped in his hand, fingers pale white and tense and he was sweating through his pale blue cashmere sweater: an expensive Christmas gift from Harry. 

Harry. He was nowhere to be seen. Louis wandered farther into the open hall, squeezing in between the small empty spaces between people. So many people. All of them impeccably dressed and all of them chattering, laughing, fitting in this crazy complicated puzzle that Louis did not belong to. He stuck out like a sore thumb. Anyone could glance at him and see the lost look in his eyes, falter in his steps, hesitation in his movements. He did not fit in. 

He stuck out, yet no one saw him. He was invisible. It should be a relief but instead it made Louis feel small, and not in a good way. A good way being the way Harry would cage him in when in bed, body covering Louis’, arms holding him close. Heavy, warm, and safe. Louis liked feeling small then. Harry. He needed Harry because Harry was safe. His breaths were already coming out irregularly and he was pretty sure he’d have a panic attack in less than a few minutes if he didn’t find Harry. 

He spotted some familiar faces around him as he continued. Nick Grimshaw, one of Harry’s new friends who’s a radio host. Harry did a session with him the week before. He was getting increasingly famous locally. People were beginning to recognize him randomly during the day, not excessively, but still enough to mean something. Ben Winston, a bigshot producer and director. Camille Rowe, a model who flirted too much with Harry in front of Louis which made him uncomfortable. In fact, none of these people particularly brought comfort to Louis. He barely knew any of them even though Harry hung out with them all the time. A year ago, Louis had known all of Harry’s closest friends. The realization felt like a lump on his chest. 

He was so out of sorts that he walked straight into someone. He looked up: Harry. “Haz,” he said, breathing a sigh in relief. 

“Louuu,” slurred Harry and Louis’ heart lurched. Harry was _ drunk. _Very drunk. 

His stomach felt sour. Harry had promised him that he wouldn’t drink more than one glass tonight because Louis hated driving, especially in new areas such as this. He stared at his swaying, thoroughly inebriated boyfriend. His green eyes were glassy and wide. His lips shiny and pink. He was dressed in a Gucci suit that was a gift from the label. There was no way he was driving anyone home safely which meant Louis had to drive. Louis, who felt shaky and sick already, and who was feeling even more nauseous now that he knew he was going to have to go behind the wheel later today

Harry, he also sadly realized, would be of no help in calming Louis down. This was made more evident by Harry’s obvious ignorance of Louis’ panicking. “Have you tried the Kiwi cake Lou? Get it, s’a kiwi cake because Kiwi!” He giggled. Louis lips twitched despite himself. Harry looked delighted because of a cake themed around one of his songs (that didn’t even mention Kiwi but that’s besides the point) and it was adorable even though Louis was miserable. 

“No I haven’t, but I guess I have to now,” said Louis, moving to put an arm around Harry’s waist, hoping Harry will at least get the picture that he wanted to be held. Instead, he was very roughly pushed away. 

“No!” exclaimed Harry and Louis’ mouth dropped open, confused and a little bit hurt. 

“Huh?”

“No touching!” said Harry again, louder. Louis felt like he had been slapped. 

“What do you mean, no touching?”

“No touching, no kissing, no nothing,” recited Harry, brow creasing. “That’s the rule.”

Louis’ heart hammered in his chest, “What rule, H?”

“The rule,” insisted Harry. “We can’t touch each other. That’s what James said. I have to look single.”

Louis blinked, heart stopping. “What?”

“He said we have to act like friends,” said Harry, voice as slow and sweet as honey yet as sharp as a thorn. 

Louis’ head was pounding. He didn’t understand, didn’t _ want _to understand. “Why?”

“Because,” said Harry. Then he tugged on Louis arm, “C’mon, let’s get some ice cream. There’s a whole buffet table and Mal said the chocolate fountain was d..del...delicious!”

He stayed right where he was, “Harry, did James say we have to act not like a couple for just today or every time you do one of these things?”

Harry’s face scrunched up, like he was thinking really hard. “He said as much as possible. As gigs and shows and parties. But it’s okay Lou, it’s just pretend.”

“Is it?” asked Louis weakly. His mind was racing. He had heard things about labels forcing their singers into the closet and giving them reputations of womanisers and playboys. He had heard those stories and thought, that’d never be Harry. He’d never let that happen. _Louis _would never let that happen. “That’s messed up H, can’t you see that?”

Harry frowned, “S’ not. It’s to help build my image. Management says that if I’m single it’ll make me more accessible to certain audiences and I’ll grow my fanbase faster.”

Louis flinched, as if physically hurt. “You.. you approved it.”

Harry didn’t even look drunk when he nodded with a simple, “Yeah.”

“We never talked about it,” said Louis, his voice rising to an unflattering pitch, but he couldn’t be damned. He was so confused and slightly hurt. “We never talked at all.”

“I didn’t think it was that big a deal,” said Harry, shrugging. He seemed a bit more sober now too. “We’re still together, nothing’s changing that. It’s not that big of a deal if we have to pretend we’re not for a little while at a time.”

_ It is, _he thinks. It is. “I still think we should’ve talked about it. This affects both of us,” insisted Louis. His head hurt and his eyes burned too. This was not the place to be having this conversation and yet here they were. “We’re both in this relationship.”

“Yeah, but.. It’s not like anyone’s going to be talking to you anyway, you’re kinda behind the scenes,” said Harry thoughtfully, hands wiggling as a side effect. 

Louis froze. Behind the scenes. He was ‘kinda behind the scenes.’ It was the truth. Harry went out with his new friends with his new job and his new life and Louis just sat at home at the dining table, waiting for him to come home. He was teaching but that was completely different from this world, from the world of these people and of Harry… 

It had been months of this happening and only now was Louis seeing the big picture. Harry was moving into an entirely new world… moving into it without Louis. They weren’t the same anymore. He felt sick. Like he was going to puke. 

“Kiwi cake?” asked Harry, hopefully. 

Louis opened his mouth to respond before shutting it in a grimace. He was so stupid. Naive. Ignorant. He had let Harry just walk into the spotlight and expected everything to be the same. Nothing was the same anymore. The room was blurring around him. Harry was growing, changing, developing and Louis was still stuck in his same-old life, blissfully oblivious. “I…” he said, mouth suddenly dry. “I need water…”

“I’ll get you some,” said Harry, a sliver of worry appearing on his face. “Hold on, Lou.” 

And then he was gone. Louis nearly screamed for him to come back. _ Don’t leave me, don’t leave me behind. _

Fuck, he was an idiot. 

And the worst part was that he could have easily adapted and joined Harry in this new world if he had paid more attention, tried harder to fit in. But he didn’t, couldn’t. Louis couldn’t fit in. He was too… different. _ Not good enough, _ whispered a voice inside him. _ This is your fault. _

It didn’t make sense. Reasonably, it was both of their faults. They both didn’t anticipate this. Any of this. 

He needed to talk to Harry. Harry was getting him a drink. 

“Hey,” said a loud voice. Louis startled, and ended up dropping his drink. His eyes were glued to the slow movement of the liquid pouring out on the marble floor. “Ugh, what the fuck, gross!”

Malcolm. All of Louis’ senses locked. He couldn’t deal with him now, not when he still felt so vulnerable and exposed. 

Malcolm was dressed in another Gucci suit, that somehow matched Harry’s suit. He wondered if that was intentional, if both of them chose out the outfits they were going to wear together. Malcolm fit in. Malcolm was in the new world. 

“I heard your little chat,” said Malcolm and normally Louis would be angry that he had the nerve to eavesdrop on a private conversation but now it just made him shrink back in shame. “Poor, poor Louis. Trying to hold onto his superstar boyfriend.”

For a second Louis thought Malcolm was drunk, but his eyes were clear, gaze steady in their contempt and smugness. “You can’t honestly expect Harry to hold back for so long for your sake right? It’s kind of selfish if you ask me.”

“What?” asked Louis. He shouldn’t have said anything. He didn’t have to hear what Malcolm of all people had to say, especially when it was probably mean and harsh. 

“Harry’s doing amazing already, but he has so much unlocked potential,” said Malcolm. “He’s holding back _ for you.” _

It felt like a stab. _ For you. _ Synonymous with _ it’s your fault. _

Malcolm gestured around him, “This is where Harry belongs. He was always too good for whatever you guys were doing before. This is his life. This is what he deserves. Attention. Praise. The best of the best.” His words rang true in Louis’ muddled head. 

“He’s almost completely dedicated but there’s one thing holding him back,” said Malcolm. He raised a finger and poked Louis, right under his collarbone. It wasn’t hard enough to hurt, but hard enough for him to have to catch his balance. He exhaled. “This is the fast life Louis. You have to keep up or get out.”

Keep up or get out. 

“I dunno if you can actually keep up though,” said Malcolm smirking. 

Louis hesitated. That wasn’t true was it? He could keep up for Harry’s sake. He pictured it: dressing differently, spending time with different people, “fitting in”. It felt wrong. Louis was not one of those people. He didn’t fit in. He couldn’t. 

He couldn’t keep up. Suddenly he felt like sobbing. It felt like a failure. He failed. He couldn’t keep up. He never even had actually kept up. 

Malcolm was watching him, something akin to pity in his eyes, “Poor Louis. Poor Harry. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now. It must be hard realizing you and your partner are on different wavelengths.”

Louis flinched. Him and Harry weren’t-

“Then again, I guess it’s been coming for a while,” said Malcolm, eyebrows furrowing. “How much time do you even spend with Harry anymore anyway?”

Not much. Not enough. 

The signs were all there and Louis had been ignoring them. They were too far apart. His brain felt fuzzy, the taste of alcohol still on his tongue. One thing was repeating over and over in his head. _ You’re holding him back. You’re keeping him from his full potential. You’re holding him back. _

Was it true? Was Louis dragging Harry down. Was he holding on to a broken relationship. He wanted to throw up. 

“Hey, sorry I took so long, there’s like no water here, just booze, lots and lots of- oh hey Mal,” said Harry surprised. He handed the glass of water to Louis which he took with his empty hand (he was still desperately clutching the empty champagne class in his right hand, unable to let go). “What’s going on?”

Louis met Harry’s concerned eyes. 

“Louis and I were just talking about you Harry,” said Malcolm sweetly. “How proud we are of you.”

Harry was still staring at Louis, “Everything okay?”

Louis barely managed a nod. 

“Are you high Harold?” asked Malcolm, grinning. 

Harry grinned back, “Maybeeee, but only a little.”

Malcolm scoffed and Louis shrunk. He hadn’t even recognized the red rim around his eyes. The static nature of his presence. Malcolm had known right away. Had they gotten high together? At those crazy parties they went to together while Louis stayed home alone grading papers? 

“Five minutes!” yelled a stranger and all three of them jumped. Louis had forgotten where he was, what day it was. It was New Years Eve. 2015 started for real in five minutes. It was too much. 

“I have to use the bathroom,” said Louis, pressing both his glasses to Harry’s hands. 

“Okay,” said Harry, still looking at him slightly concerned, but also slightly unfocused. Because he was still drunk. He had broken his promise. Maybe because he didn’t care anymore. Because Louis wasn’t enough anymore. 

He felt a rush of deja vu. Another place. Another party on New Year’s Eve. The angry face of his ex Aidan. His biting words, “You just aren’t enough anymore for me Louis. I need more to satisfy me now, I need _ better_. I’m tired of this shit.” 

“Okay,” said Louis, and then he rushed through the crowd, slipping between people who didn’t blink an eye, no one noticing him because he was invisible, not worth noting, nothing..He found the bathroom, slammed the door behind him, and threw himself forward barely making it to the toilet before he threw up. 

He gagged violently, headache excruciatingly painful. 

When he was done, he slumped down to the cold marble floor and leaned against the wall. And there he thought. He thought about the past few months. How things had changed in so little time. He thought about how he and Harry dressed completely different. How they liked different things, now more than ever. 

Maybe Malcolm was right. Maybe Aidan had been right. Harry deserved better. Someone better. Who would be his complete equal and partner on the field. Someone who’d go out with him and be friends with his friends and who’d fit in. Louis didn’t. He never would. Harry needed someone who lived in his world. Who wouldn’t hold him back and who’d bring up higher and better than ever. 

It was clear after this night that that person was no longer Louis. 

And then he was crying. Fat, wet tears streaming down his face and his entire body shaking with each sob. He pulled his knees to his chest and buried his head on his knees. It was groundbreaking. The concept that maybe he and Harry weren’t meant to be. That they weren’t forever like how they promised each other. 

That LouisandHarry weren’t soulmates, won’t get married and have kids and get a dog and live in a big house and grow old together. That had been the plan. 

He let himself mourn what could’ve been his future as the loud yells of people outside broke through the walls. “10! 9! 8!”

Fuck. 

Harry was probably looking for him, waiting to seal this year with a kiss and welcome in their next year. Louis couldn’t move though. Couldn’t stand the thought of ushering in a new year with Harry when Harry might not be in it. 

“4! 3! 2! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!” Cheers erupted and Louis broke down again. This was the end. 

-

**July 2017**

This couldn’t be the end. 

Louis stared at the five jagged cuts he had made across his right arm. They were still bleeding fat globs of blood and he felt lightheaded, woozy. Like he could pass out any second. Everything hurt. Not just his arm, but his eyes, his head, and his heart. 

This was a bad idea. 

He let himself think it. 

Accept it. 

He shouldn’t have done this. It felt like a triumph, a victory. He looked at the evidence of his pain and of his inexplicable misery. He thought of Zayn, Liam, his girls. This wasn’t the solution- punishing himself wasn’t the solution. 

Punishing himself wasn’t the solution. 

He said it out loud, tasting the words. He felt a weight release from his chest and he exhaled. His arm throbbed, reminding him of his predicament. 

Well fuck. 

He grabbed his phone and after waiting for it to reboot, he pressed the call app and then hit the first of the four names on his favorites list.

He called Zayn. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sheepish face* Sorry... 
> 
> Before you go bashing Harry in the comments, you still haven't seen his side of the story. That is yet to come... Despite that, however, I think we can all agree Harry is getting a little too caught up with his new life. To be fair, it's completely realistic and understandable. Poor Louis has to deal with it though. I want to keep this as real as possible. And Harry right now is getting caught up with everything. He is also oblivious as hell (I warned you). He will change. I promise. 
> 
> On the bright side, present Louis has had a revelation! I didn't want to make this chapter completely sad and depressing (even though 90% of it still is haha). 
> 
> Anyways, this chapter was extremely difficult to write but now that it's out of the way, the story can go on!


	10. Chapter 10

**January 1st 2015**

Harry couldn’t find Louis anywhere. It was officially 2015 as of about thirty seconds ago. Around him, couples were still enthusiastically kissing or making out, celebrating the start of the new year. And Harry is alone. 

Louis missed New Years. They didn’t kiss and Harry didn’t even know where Louis was. 

He’d be disappointed if he weren’t so worried. He had seen Louis’ face right before he rushed for the bathroom: hurt, confusion, and what he later realized was panic. 

His alcohol drenched brain cells were too slow to realize Louis was having an attack and now Louis was somewhere by himself probably freaking out and struggling. It hurt Harry’s soul. This whole night was awful, to be honest. 

Somehow he had accidently revealed that James wanted to keep Harry “single” to the eyes of his “fans”. To up his appeal. Bullshit. 

And he knew it. However, he also knew that that was the best he was going to get. His management assured him that they wouldn’t force him to be straight which was already a big miracle and Harry didn’t want to push his luck. He figured it’d be okay because he still had Louis even if it wasn’t in everyone’s eyes. 

He didn’t mean to tell him like that. 

In fact, he had been procrastinating telling Louis for weeks now. He didn’t know how to was the thing. He knew Louis would be disappointed but there was nothing he could do. Now that he thought about it, it seemed like a lame excuse even to himself. The memory of their conversation was a little blurry in his head but he had a feeling that it had not ended well which he definitely needed to fix. 

He also had to tell Louis the good news: he had talked to James and demanded a more freeing schedule for him to hang out with Louis as much as possible. They had worked out all the details less than an hour ago and Harry celebrate with shots… probably way too many shots. 

But he knew Louis would be pleased. 

He thought back to the flyer he had found two days ago when he was looking for his keys. Grease. Louis’ favorite movie. He had picked it up only to realize the flyer was for a school production of Grease. Louis’ school. 

Then he read it. 

_ The play is being organized and supervised by Mr. Tomlinson, our new drama teacher! _

He remembered being shocked. He had no idea Louis was helping with a school play. He definitely had no idea it was Grease, Louis’ favorite movie. Now that he thought of it, he realized he didn’t know much about how Louis was doing at his new job at all. 

And he had been working there for nearly two months. 

The guilt that overtook him was immeasurable. Louis was always quick to support Harry, praise Harry, and just be there for Harry which he had not been appreciating enough, he knew this. Things were not the best between them but nothing had changed. They still loved each other. He knew this. 

But he wasn’t doing what Louis deserved: appreciating him. It felt like someone dropped a bucket of water on his head but once he had known it, he decided things had to change. Immediately. And he had made good on that plan. He was now only expected to come in four days a week (full days) and a half day on Friday which would leave him free on weekends (when Louis was free too). James had not been too keen on it, telling Harry that this might affect his growth rate. 

Harry had said growth rate be damned! He didn’t mind being a smaller artist, not at all. Especially when it meant he could be with Louis more. 

It had been ages since they had even said “I love you” and it was driving Harry nuts. He needed to find Louis, help him, and then tell him everything, ending it with an “I love you. I did this for us.”

He also had another surprise that had to do with an order he made a few days ago from the local music store… But that was for later.

First he had to actually find Louis. He had checked all the bathrooms on this floor and the upper floors were deserted. He had no idea where Louis could be. 

“Harold!” crowed a very tipsy Nick. Harry flinched, before waving at his friend. “Come talk and meet some people!” He gestured to a crowd of unfamiliar faces, all of them smiling at Harry. 

“Maybe later Nick, I have to find my- Louis. I have to find Louis.” He had almost called him his boyfriend. He definitely needed to have another talk about that with James, maybe in a little while when he wasn’t so pissed about the schedule change. 

Nick pouted but waved him off. Harry made a move to continue walking before a hand grabbed his bicep. “I saw him go outside a few minutes ago,” said Kasey. 

Harry exhaled, relieved. “Thanks Kase.” 

“No problem H,” said Kasey. “When you find him, come introduce me. I haven’t met him yet and I’m very interested to see the guy you call the ‘sun’.” 

Harry nodded and smiled. Louis was the sun. Louis was the sun, moon, stars, the whole entire world. He was everything to Harry, everything. He was going to tell him that. And then he was going to kiss the living daylights out of him. It had been too long since they’ve made out and Harry’s almost forgotten the exact sounds that come out of Louis’ mouth everytime they do- the little breathy “ahs” and if he caressed his hair just right, a mewl. 

He stepped outside. There were people smoking and talking. He saw Louis sitting on the steps, knees pulled to his chest. He was wearing the sweater Harry got him. It was pulled down to create sweater paws- something Louis always did that made Harry’s heart squeeze. 

“Babe,” said Harry, sitting down next to him. 

Louis tensed before relaxing slightly. Harry slid an arm around his waist, and pulled him closer. 

“Everything okay?” he asked, leaning his head on top of Louis’. His hair was soft and smelled like peaches. Louis shivered and exhaled. 

“I’m okay,” said Louis. He didn’t seem too confident about it. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” said Louis, even less convincingly. Harry frowned. 

“I have something to tell you,” said Harry, hoping this news will make Louis feel better about opening up. 

“I have something to tell you too,” said Louis. 

“You first.”

Louis turned to face him and all Harry could think was how beautiful he was. The light from the lanterns hanging across the patio cast a glow over his tan, smooth skin and created shadows that highlighted his cheekbones and sharp jaw. Harry was close enough to see the light freckles on his face and the light pink of his soft lips. His hair was soft and mussed and Harry was itching to gets his hands in it. His eyes were wide and blue blue blue, long eyelashes fluttering as he blinked. They were also red-rimmed, proof that Louis had cried sometime today- the thought made Harry’s heart wrench. He hated when Louis cried because he did it only when he was so overwhelmed and lost that he couldn’t help it. Louis’ collarbones were peeking out from his sweater and his dainty hands were covered by the sleeves in little sweater paws. He was the most precious angel Harry had ever seen. Harry wanted to kiss him so bad. 

“Harry, I think we need to break up,” said Louis, abruptly breaking the silence. 

Harry blinked, heart stuttering, “What.”

Louis ducked his head and continued, quieter this time, “I think we’ve both noticed how much things have changed in the past month.”

Harry blinked, breath caught in his throat. He couldn’t move. This was a dream. It had to be a dream. It was a side effect of him being high earlier. This wasn’t real. Louis couldn’t actually want to break up with him. No fucking way. “Things have changed but we haven’t,” said Harry, still confused. 

Louis winced, “I don’t know about that.”

Harry’s heart was racing, “What is this?”

“I said I want to break up,” said Louis, calmly. Everything about him was calm, except for the way he was fidgeting with the hem of his sweater. The sweater Harry got for him. This was wrong. It was all wrong. “We both know things haven’t been the best lately.” 

“You’re joking,” guessed Harry, pleaded Harry more like it. “Please say you’re joking.”

Louis shrugged. He fucking shrugged. “C’mon Harry, we both saw this coming.”

“Haz,” said Harry. “You aren’t calling me Haz or H or Curly. You haven’t called me Harry this many times since we first started dating.” It was a stupid point to get caught up on but it was wrong, this was all wrong. 

“Harry, I’m sorry,” said Louis. “But this isn’t working.”

“It is working,” said Harry. “Don’t say that. Things have been rough, yes, but I was going to tell you just now. Things will get better. I talked to James, he’s letting me work less days a week so we can spend more time together. This is a rough patch but it’s over now.”

A flash of what looked like shame passed over Louis’ face before he was shaking his head, “No Harry, this can’t be fixed. We’re too far apart.” He was speaking so bluntly, and calmly, not like Louis did. This wasn’t right.

He said it, “This isn’t right.”

“I’m sorry,” said Louis again, and he looked sorry. 

“If you’re really sorry, then we’ll talk about this,” said Harry, voice cracking. He felt dizzy and weak. He pinched his arm but nothing happened. This was real. Louis really did say he wanted to break up. That he wanted to give up on them. “I don’t understand.”

“It’s pretty simple,” said Louis in that blunt voice again. Harry hated it. 

“Look I meant it Louis, I’m so sorry,” said Harry. “I’ve been distant, too distant but I’ve missed you so much. I was a fucking idiot but it’s over now, I promise. I meant it, I really will have more time to spend with you. I want to spend more time with you Lou.”

Louis was shaking his head again and Harry wanted to scream. “It’s not going to work Harry. This is the end.”

“It is not the end, you can’t honestly believe that!” exclaimed Harry, voice rising. “You can’t break up with me!”

Louis narrowed his eyes, “Um, yes I can.”

“No! We’re _ it _ for each other,” said Harry. “We’re forever. That’s what we’ve always said.”

Louis met his eyes, no feeling in his blue irises as he said, “I guess we were wrong.”

“No,” said Harry again. He couldn’t believe this. It couldn’t be real. He felt tears grow in his eyes. He wanted to shake Louis, make him understand the wrongness of this situation, the wrongness of the words coming out of his mouth and his _ tone. _

“Harry, I’m not arguing about this,” said Louis. “I want to break up. I’m being serious.”

“Why,” said Harry, tears actually falling now. “I love you Louis.”

“Don’t-”

“I love you so much and I’ve missed you so much,” said Harry, reaching out for him. Louis pulled away from his hands and shook his head. “Please. Please give me another chance.”

“I can’t do this anymore Harry,” said Louis, and then he stood up. Harry’s heart plummeted. “I’m going to call a taxi. You stay here until you’re not as drunk and then drive hom. I… I’ll start packing.”

Packing. He’s start packing. He’s going to leave. He’s actually going to leave. 

He’s going to leave Harry. 

“Please don’t do this,” begged Harry, tears still streaming. Louis seemed unaffected. “I know we’re meant to be together and you know it too. We love each other.”

Then Louis put the final nail in the coffin, “I’m not sure I’m in love with you anymore.” Time stood still. Harry gasped. 

There’s no way… 

It had always been a fact: the sky was blue, the earth was round, Harry loved Louis, and Louis loved Harry. But Louis just said he wasn’t sure he was in love with him anymore? 

“I’m sorry,” repeated Louis, taking a step back. There was an unreadable emotion is his eyes. He blinked rapidly, eyelashes fluttering. Harry thought, how could something so beautiful cause so much pain? “I’m going to go now.”

There was a hesitation where they both stared at each other. _ Change your mind. Stay here with me. _

“Take care of yourself Harry,” said Louis finally, and it felt like an ending. 

“Don’t leave me,” whispered Harry, crumpling. “At least wait till morning so we can talk longer. Please Louis.”

Louis gave him a sad smile, one that crushed the last remaining fragments of Harry's hope into dust, “Goodbye Harry.” It was an ending. 

And then he walked away, leaving Harry to sink to the crowd and cry. 

-

Louis called a cab. His voice modulated from his tears, thankfully nobody on the other end said anything. When it arrived, so slid into the backseat and nodded to the driver. When he started the car, Louis started crying. Silent, heavy tears weighed down by the strength of the lies that came out of his mouth just ten minutes before.

It was done. He broke up with Harry. 

He let Harry go. He’d never have him again. 

But now Harry could get his old schedule back and be successful without Louis holding him down. He could prosper and hang out with his new friends without Louis’ clinginess and he could maybe even one day find someone who fit in his new world better than Louis ever could. The thought made him cry harder. 

Harry may get over him but he wasn’t sure if he was strong enough to get over him. 

He got back, and paid the driver with shaky fingers. 

Sitting in the flat alone, knowing that he had to move out soon and that it was no longer his home, was unreal. He sat on the couch where he and Harry had sat countless of times, knees and arms touching or more and looked around at the flat that held memories of almost a year. Harry had bought it in December of last year and he asked Louis to move in with him in January which Louis eagerly accepted. 

They had so many memories there. Louis was glad he was the one leaving it instead of staying behind and having to live in the evidence of their love. Harry would though and selfishly, Louis was glad that Harry would have to remember him at least for a little while. 

He started packing and didn’t stop for the next three hours even when his eyelids grew heavy and he could barely walk across the room. He needed to leave as quickly as possible. That wasn’t the plan he had initially come up with- that plan was to wait a few days so he was able to pack properly and talk out details with Harry. But now, he couldn’t deal with confronting Harry again. He packed quickly, the fear of Harry returning before he was done motivating him to move faster and faster. 

By the time he had finished packing his clothes and his most important belongings, the sun was shining into the flat. Louis couldn’t take anything big- no furniture or anything like that which was fine because wanted to make this as easy on Harry as possible. Plus, most of them were chosen by Harry anyway. He called another cab and waited. He felt the familiar pressure on his chest that showed the potential of his crying, but no tears came. He had no more left to cry. 

At 5 in the morning (the cab was set to come at 5:30), he heard a knock. He froze. 

His first thought was Harry but then he remembered that Harry had a key and wouldn’t knock. He approached the door and winced as another loud, aggressive knock filled the air. He looked into the eyehole and exhaled as he saw a very angry and tired looking Niall Horan. 

His heart stuttered. 

He wanted to ignore it but he had no doubt Niall would keep knocking until he opened the door, plus Niall deserved a proper goodbye from his friend. It hit him then that he didn’t just lose Harry, he lost Niall and Barbara too. 

It almost brought him to tears once again but he was interrupted by another fierce knocking. He braced himself and opened the door. 

“What the _ fuck _is going on,” exclaimed Niall, stepping inside. He waved his phone about dramatically, “Why is Harry texting me that you broke up with him and begging me to let him stay over?”

Louis winced. So Harry is at Niall’s. That gave him more time to pack. Niall who was staring at him expectantly, arms crossed, and face set. “Tommo what is going on?”

“I think you know what’s going on,” said Louis, gesturing to the pile of suitcases, bags, and his backpack lying near the coffee table. 

Niall’s eyes bulged and he looked at Louis, “You were being serious?”

“Yes,” said Louis sharply, slightly annoyed that no one seemed to believe him. _ Maybe they all thought Harry was going to break up with me. _“Things have been pretty bad lately Ni, I don’t have to tell you that.”

“Bad but not broken,” said Niall. He looked just as confused as Harry had hours before. The look put a flicker of doubt in Louis’ mind but he pushed it down. _ I’m doing the right thing. _He knew he was. Niall looked at Louis, a glimmer of sympathy appearing in his eyes, “I know you love Harry Lou, you can’t lie to me. Why are you doing this?”

Louis ducked his head. Niall was right, he couldn’t lie to him which meant he needed him to go immediately. “It doesn’t matter what my reasons are, we’re breaking up. I’m leaving in…” He glanced at the clock and immediately felt queasy, “15 minutes.”

Niall’s mouth opened and then closed, “Lou-”

“I’m not going to argue about this with you,” warned Louis, voice coming out weaker than intended. “I’m leaving and that’s not changing no matter what you say. But I don’t want to leave on bad terms. You’ve been one of my closest friends for the past year and a half, please let me say goodbye?”

Niall pursed his lips, considering, before he finally nodded, “Get in here, Tommo.”

Louis sighed, relieved and then fell into Niall’s waiting arms. 

“I’m going to miss you so much,” said Niall. It was only confirmation that Niall was going to side with Harry and probably shun him. Louis couldn’t blame him, nor did he want Niall to ditch Harry. He just squeezed him harder. 

“I’m going to miss you too,” said Louis, eyes wet. “You and Barbara are amazing. I wish you guys all the best.” _ Even though I’ll never be invited to your wedding. _

They hugged for a little while longer and Louis thought everything was fine but then: “Is this about Malcolm?” whispered Niall directly into his ear. Louis flinched, which completely sold him out. Niall pulled back, eyes wide. “Fuck Louis, don’t go because of that asshole.”

“It’s not because of him,” insisted Louis. _ Not completely anyway. _“I told you we’re not talking about this… Just.. take care of him, alright?”

Niall nodded, “Of course I will. But who’s going to take care of you?”

Louis sucked in a breath, “I don’t need someone to take care of me.”

The unimpressed look Niall gave him made him bristle, “It’s not important.”

Niall rolled his eyes, “Whatever you say mate.”

Louis didn’t want to argue so he hugged Niall again, sniffling. “Goodbye Niall.”

“Aw Tommo, don’t cry,” said Niall but Louis was crying. “I hate this so much.”

_ Me too. _

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” whispered Niall again, so quietly Louis almost missed it. 

“I am. I know I am,” said Louis. He knew he was doing the right thing- what was best for Harry. He deserved better.

Hopefully one day, the pain in his heart would fade too. 

-

**July 2017**

Louis was curled into a small ball, shivering, hand clutching his phone in an iron grip. He avoided staring at the five cuts along his right arm- all of which were still bleeding, drops falling and staining his sweats and the bathroom floor. He sat against the locked bathroom door. He was waiting for Zayn. 

A few minutes later, someone knocked twice and then eight times in a quick succession. Louis exhaled shakily, blinking. 28. Zayn. 

He stood on trembling legs and fumbled with the lock mechanism before the door was swinging open and Zayn was crashing into him. “You asshole,” he was saying, squeezing Louis tightly. Louis heaved in a big breath and then fell into Zayn, shrinking and curling into him until he was as small as can be and Zayn was completely supporting his weight. 

Zayn kissed his temple, “I love you Louis, so fucking much. You’re my best friend in the entire world, please don’t ever leave me.”

“I won’t,” whispered Louis, voice scratchy from his sore throat. “I’m sorry.”

“You better be,” said Zayn. “Fuck. What happened?”

Louis considered his options. He could lie, but he had a feeling that Zayn would see right through him and nothing he could say would be a valid enough explanation for what triggered him without telling the truth. And Zayn deserved the truth- the full truth. 

“Harry is my Harry,” said Louis quietly. 

Zayn didn’t react for a second but then he immediately stiffened, “What!?”

Louis closed his eyes and took a breath. “Harry, Liam’s flatmate, is my ex. The one I’m still head-over-heels for.”

Zayn pulled back for a second, eyes filled with sorry. “Oh Lou…”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” said Louis. “I figured it out when I bumped into Niall. Niall is his best friend and he used to be my best friend too. He’s from that time too.”

Zayn’s mouth dropped and then he shut his mouth. “Holy shit,” he said. 

Louis chuckled wetly, “Yeah, pretty messed up innit.”

“So seeing him again triggered it?”

Louis frowned, insides crumbling as he remembered. “No, not exactly…”

So after Zayn brought out he bandages he had brought with him and effectively treated Louis’ wounds, Louis made Zayn sit down and then he sat down across from him and slowly but surely began to tell a story. The story of LouisandHarry. 

Zayn was completely focused on him the entire time, silent and expressionless as Louis explained. He listened diligently even when Louis had to pause to get his bearings or when he unexpectedly started shedding a few tears or when he got so quiet towards the end as he approached The Night that Zayn had to lean in to hear him. 

When he was finished, he was full on crying and Zayn had to hold him and rub his back reassuringly for the next ten minutes. “Shh, babe, it’s okay. You’re amazing,” said Zayn. “Harry is officially a dick.”

Louis jerked out of his hold, “No no no. He’s not.”

Zayn raised an eyebrow, “Okay, Malcolm is the bigger dick but Harry was still somewhat to blame. You can’t change my mind about that.”  
Louis didn’t bother arguing, especially since he still had to explain tonight. 

When Louis told him, Zayn flipped out. “That fucking asshole!” exclaimed Zayn, standing up. He looked furious. “How could he say that about you? You’re one of the best people in this world Louis, and I’m not just saying that.”

Louis shook his head, “Technically I wasn’t even supposed to hear it.”

“As if that justifies it!”

“No, it doesn’t, but…” he trailed off, hesitating. “He was being honest.”

Zayn stared at him, appalled. “Louis. Louis you can’t tell me you actually believe any of what he said.” 

Louis looked down. 

“You idiot, you fucking idiot,” said Zayn. 

“Thanks Z.”

“I can’t believe this,” said Zayn. “You’re incredible. You’re one of the best people on this earth Louis, jesus christ. You’re so strong and brave.” Louis scoffed. “Shut up, you are literally the strongest person I know. You have the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met. You’re loyal and determined and intelligent. You’re witty and clever and you always make me laugh even when I’m having the worst day. You’re the best listener and the best friend I’ve ever had. You’re selfless and caring and genuine. You’re also beautiful.”

Louis snorted. 

“Don’t fucking do that,” said Zayn. “You know I’d never be into you like that but even I can admire how gorgeous you are, both outside and especially inside.”

“Inside eh?” said Louis waggling his eyebrows. 

Zayn rolled his eyes, “You’re also so incredibly immature.”

Louis smiled, “Thanks Z, that means a lot.”

“But do you actually believe me?” asked Zayn. “That’s the real question.”

Louis cleared his throat, “To be honest, no…. But I think I want to change that.”

Zayn raised an eyebrow, “Oh?”

Louis bit his lip and then nodded shyly, “Yeah, I think… I think I’ll try one of the recommendations Lottie gave me for seeing someone…” He fidgeted with his bandaid and continued hastily, “I think it’s about time and I should probably stop being stubborn. I don’t want to keep moping around for the rest of my life. That’s another thing I’ve decided: I want to live. I want to live a good life and I want to be a good brother and friend and I want to try to get better for real this time…” His voice trailed off. 

When he looked up Zayn was grinning. “What?”

“Nothing, I’m just so happy,” said Zayn. “I’m so happy and proud. You deserve this Louis. You deserve to be loved and cared for and treasured. You deserve to be _ happy.” _

Louis nodded, “I think I do too. At least the happy part.”

Zayn tackled him into a hug again. 

-

**January 1st 2015**

When Jay opened the door to a miserable Louis standing on her front porch, surrounded by a pile of bags and shaking like a leaf, she immediately pulled her son to her and started rocking him back and forth. “Baby, oh baby, what happened darling?”

“Mum…” said Louis. He opened his mouth to say more but then choked, breaking out into more violent sobs. He had held in all his tears and distress on the cab ride to Doncaster but now that he was in the safety and familiarity of his childhood home, he let it all out. 

“Baby…” said Jay and Louis could think of was when Harry called him the same thing. He cried harder. 

“Come inside,” said Jay, cradling him close. He let her pull him inside and onto the couch as he cried harder. A few minutes later he felt more arms join the huddle and then Lottie was cooing at him and Fizzy was asking what was wrong and the twins were peeking their heads in from around the corner and staring at him with concerned wide eyes. 

Jay’s perfume was enveloping him and her hand was rubbing circles onto his back and even though Lottie’s hair extensions where getting in his eyes, he felt loved. 

“It’s going to be okay,” swore Fizzy. “Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.”

“We’ll beat him up for you,” said Lottie seriously because of course they had all figured it out already. But then again, why else would Louis show up unannounced, bawling his eyes out, with all his belongings with him and no Harry.

Harry would never visit the Tomlinson household with Louis ever again.

“I’m dead serious. We can be subtle about it too, I promise," said Lottie, looking a little too eager. 

“Lottie,” scolded Jay. “Put on the tea.”

“Phoebe and I are already doing it,” yelled Daisy. “Ha!”

“Screw you, I’m getting the chocolate,” said Lottie, standing up.

“I’ll get the Grease dvd,” yelled Fizzy, rushing into the other room. Louis loved his sisters so much. 

Then it was just Louis and Jay and he let himself be lulled to sleep with her gentle singing. Thank the lord he still had his mum. 

-

**July 2017**

When Louis was finally in a state to walk with Zayn to the car, they got up and left. Zayn walked with his arm around Louis, still supporting most of his weight. Louis felt dazed and dizzy and he was glad Zayn was there. He wasn’t going to take him for granted again. 

They reached Zayn’s car right as his phone started ringing. Zayn picked it up, “Hey…. Yeah, I got him, thanks,” he said, giving Louis an unreadable side eye. “Everything is good. I have to go though... Alrighty. See you.” He cleared his throat and stuck his phone back in his pocket, picture of innocence.

Louis raised an eyebrow, “Payno?”

“Nope,” said Zayn. “Niall actually.”

Louis’ eyes bulged. “Niall!”

Zayn gave him a sheepish look, “He was just worried about you. I guess it makes sense now, you guys were better friends than I thought.”

Louis’ heart was racing. He remembered hearing Niall call after him as he ran from the flat, but that didn’t explain why he actually seemed to care what happened to Louis. Especially after seeing what Harry apparently thinks of him now. “That’s… nice of him.”

Thinking of Niall made him think of Harry which made him think of that day. It used to be the worst day of his life but now it is settled as the second worst day of his life. Suddenly thinking of the first worst day made him want to vomit. He gripped Zayn’s shoulder and shuddered. 

“Hey, hey, hey,” said Zayn, tightening his grip around Louis’ shoulders. “It’s okay Louis, just breathe babe.”

Louis tried. He followed with Zayn’s counts: 1.. 2… 3… hold… exhale… Again and again until he was breathing normally and blinking back wet tears. He was such a mess, fuck. 

“You’re doing so well Lou,” whispered Zayn. “I’m so proud of you.”

Louis buried his head into Zayn’s shoulder and laughed, “I’m definitely _ not _doing well Z, but thanks.”

“You are,” insisted Zayn. 

Louis closed his eyes, “I just want my mom.”

“I know.”

“I miss her Z, I can’t do this without her,” said Louis, unraveling again. 

“Yes, you can,” said Zayn. “You’ve already been doing it without her. You can do this. She’s so proud of you too, I know it.”

Louis nodded, throat too clogged with emotion to verbally respond. He nudged Zayn’s shoulder and tilted his head to point at the car. 

“Yeah, let’s go home,” said Zayn, opening the door. 

Home. Funny how it changes over time.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An early chapter, whoo hoo!!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter extremely fast and I actually have half of the next chapter done already (it was originally part of this one but then I decided to cut it short because it flowed better).
> 
> So yeah it's a little shorter than normal but I felt like this was a good place to end it 😉. 
> 
> Also some other things:  
\- I honestly completely forgot about Harry still being in college during the breakup and all the singing and being signed to a record label. To be honest it isn't that important.  
\- This is the start of the "middle" of the story aka the angsty part (yes, these last chapters aren't even the angstiest it's going to get, sorry not sorry) so... prepare yourself??? Also we still have a lonnnnnggg ways to go (slow burns >>>).  
\- We get some teacher!Louis in this chapter but unfortunately not that much :(

**April 2015**

“You did amazing!” said Louis, grinning at Tom as he handed him the bouquet of flowers. He was sweaty but happy in his Danny Zuko outfit. “Absolutely smashed it!”

Tom beamed, and took the flowers bashfully, “Thanks Mr. Tomlinson!”

“Go see your parents,” he said, gesturing to where Mr and Mrs. Green stood, waiting patiently with proud faces. Mrs. Green sent him a grateful look and mouthed “thank you”. He brushed it off. 

Tom scampered off and then Alice was bowling into him and hugging him, “Thank you so much Mr. Tomlinson!”

“You smashed it _ Sandy, _” he said fondly, squeezing her back. “You’re going to do big things Alice, I know it.”

Alice blushed, “Well _if_ I do, you know it’ll all be thanks to you. I never would have thought I’d actually find a passion in acting but you helped me get here.” She said it so honestly that Louis felt like crying. It was one thing to feel like you’ve had an impact on your students but it was a whole other thing for them to actually confirm and thank you for it. 

“Thank you Alice, that means a lot,” said Louis. 

Alice gave him one last big grin before running off to see her friends. Louis was then dragged off to have a drink backstage with Dana, his partner in running the show and the school’s adored arts teacher. Her skills in making the sets made everything possible. They had become good friends throughout the whole process and at school in general, especially as they were two of the youngest staff members in the entire school. 

Buzzed on adrenaline, Louis felt happier than he had in four months. 

After everything that happened, he wasn’t sure if he would be able to continue directing and organizing the school production but now he was so glad he did. He was also so grateful for the experiences he gained as a teacher. 

There was still a month and a half left of school and Louis was already feeling sad. He loved his students and he had gotten to know them really well. He was confident, especially with validation from the students themselves, that he created a fun, inviting, and beneficial class where they all came out with something new learned. He also loved being back in the world of acting, even if it was for teens. 

The teacher he had taken over for would be back from her maternity leave by September but the school had offered him an assistant teacher role if he stayed and after much discussion with his mum (who he talked to now more than ever), he had accepted. It would be good to take a step back. He definitely was thrown for a loop when he took the job as a full-time teacher and it would be good for him to slow down a bit, especially since he was only 23. 

Dana was also ecstatic when he told her that he was staying, as were his students that would be returning in the Fall. 

“Louis!” called a familiar voice. 

Louis gasped, and turned to see Perrie coming towards him. She was dressed formally and looked beautiful with her blonde waves and makeup done skillfully. Louis grinned. He hadn’t seen her in _ months. _“Perrie!” 

Perrie attacked him in a tight hug, “Hey Lou, I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too,” said Louis honestly, feeling safe in one of his closest friend’s arms. He had known Perrie since his first year in uni when they had a fashion class together. Louis had taken it out of curiosity but Perrie actually was majoring in fashion, and now she was a stylist that was making quite a name for herself. 

Perrie pulled back and gave him a concerned look, “How are things?”

Louis gave her a small smile, “Better than they were.”

“I’m glad,” she said honestly. “And I also hope you don’t already have celebration plans because I am taking you out for dinner!”

Louis grinned, “Any plans could easily be cancelled for you Per.” Well, okay, he didn’t have any plans and hadn’t had any plans in four months, hadn’t even left his new flat except for going to school and running the occasional errand (and that was only when Jay threatened him), but he ignored that. 

“Great,” said Perrie. She glanced to the side, “Actually… There’s someone I want you to meet.”

Louis raised an eyebrow, recognizing the tone in his friend’s voice. This was a _special _someone. “Oh really, and who might he be?”

Perrie signalled to someone and Louis turned to see a man slowly approach them. And damn. He was hot. Amber brown skin, dark hair, angled face with a jawline that could cut glass. His eyes were smoldering and Louis was definitely impressed. He was also decked out in a white shirt, leather jacket, and black ripped jeans. He looked like a stereotypical hide-your-daughters bad boy but Louis knew Perrie and that meant he also knew this guy was going to be kind and intelligent. 

“This is my boyfriend, Zayn,” introduced Perrie. 

“You must be Louis,” said the guy, smiling. He stuck out a hand.

Louis shook it, “That I am. Nice to meet you.”

“I’ve heard a lot of good things,” said Zayn. “And nice job on the play. I enjoyed it.”

“Z also played Danny Zuko in his school days,” said Perrie, grinning. 

“Is that so?” asked Louis, scrutinizing. “Well, I guess we’ll have to have a competition now. See who the best Danny Zuko is.”

“I guess we do,” said Zayn and Louis already had a feeling they were going to be good friends and it wasn’t just because of the Marvel socks he could see peeking out of his vans. 

Louis was right of course, but neither of them knew on that fateful day that the other would end up being so important to them. After a night of banter, arguing over Ironman vs Captain America, and having a smoke break together outside while Perrie talked to an old friend she bumped into, the two became fast friends. 

Not to mention, it was the first night in a while that Louis had actually stopped thinking about Harry enough to have fun. 

-

**July 2017**

Harry came back from the studio to a very distressed Liam. 

And Gemma. 

Wait. 

“What are you doing here?” he blurted, causing both Liam and Gemma who was comfortingly patting his back to freeze and stare at him. “Sorry, I mean.. Hi?”

Gemma didn’t say anything for a second before she cackled, “Idiot. Can’t a sister just drop in unannounced to make life a living hell for her younger brother?”

“Nope, pretty sure that’s illegal Gems,” said Harry, but he hugs her quickly. She looked beautiful and radiant and _happy. _Which made him happy too. “What happened to Li?” he whispered. 

“I’m not sure. I’ve been trying to get him to talk about for the past half an hour since I arrived but maybe you’ll be better luck,” said Gemma before saying louder, “Alright, I’m taking a shower, make me a snack!”

Harry rolled his eyes, “Make your own!” He was probably going to make her something anyway but he had to keep up appearances. 

He turned his attention to a miserable looking Liam Payne. It was very odd. Liam never got this sad and lost, even when he broke up with Sophia last year. It was safe to say, Harry was very out of his element. “Hey man.. How are things?”

“Awful,” said Liam quietly. 

Harry frowned, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Liam frowned, “Zayn isn’t answering any of my calls and texts.”

“Maybe his phone is dead?” suggested Harry, feeling slightly confused to why Liam was this upset about it. 

“It’s been three days,” he said and… oh. Well shit. 

“Yikes,” he said before he could think properly. His eyes widened, “I mean… Fuck I’m sorry. Maybe there’s another reason for it?”

Liam scoffed, “Can you think of any reasons besides, ‘I wanna break up’?”

Harry hesitated, “Well… no. But you shouldn’t trust my thinking capabilities. We all know that for a fact.” He laughed awkwardly. Liam didn’t look amused. “Have you seen him since the party on Saturday?” 

Liam shook his head, “No. He’s ignoring me and I don’t know what I did.”

“Oh Li, you did nothing wrong,” said Harry, putting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing gently. “I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding.” Inside, he was unconvinced. He didn’t know why Zayn was ignoring Liam especially because everything seemed to be normal- as in regular head-over-heels in love- between them at the party. The only thing noteworthy was Zayn leaving early because of an emergency. That and the fact that no one ever saw his flatmate, Louis. Harry didn’t know whether he was relieved or disappointed about that. 

“I don’t know,” said Liam. “What if he breaks up with me?” He groaned. “What if he did, oh my god!”

“He won’t,” said Harry seriously. _ Hopefully… _

“Part of me just wants to show up to his flat and demand that he talks to me,” said Liam after a pause. “Would that be dramatic?”

Harry frowned, considering it. “Nah, but maybe wait till tomorrow?”

“Really?” asked Liam, as if expecting Harry to dismiss the idea. That made Harry second guess his opinion. He was a little biased when it comes to break ups, but…

“If he really is going to break up with you, you deserve answers and an explanation,” said Harry. “He can’t just ignore you and then leave suddenly.” The _ Like some people… _goes unsaid. 

“Okay, you’re right,” said Liam, looking a little less sad and more indignant. “I’ll demand an explanation. He can’t expect me to just sit there and be ghosted.”

“No he can’t,” agreed Harry. He didn’t think Zayn was the type to “ghost” someone but he thought back to two years ago when he was ghosted by the least likely person in the entire world. He still remembered the shock and hurt he felt when he sent a text message only to be informed that he couldn’t send messages to that person anymore. Blocked. 

He had been fucking blocked by the love of his life. 

He snapped out of his memories just in time for Liam to say a very heartfelt, “Thank you Harry.” There was warmth in his wet brown eyes that made Harry’s heart feel warm. He really loved Liam.

“Anytime,” he replied. “I’ll even drive you tomorrow. Niall will come too. Moral support.” 

Liam looked pleased by that idea. 

“Now are we going to the gym for cardio or am I going to kill my abs by myself?” asked Harry, teasingly. 

“Let’s do it mate,” said Liam, determined. “I already wrote a workout for today, so be ready.” Harry resisted groaning. Liam’s workouts were ridiculously hard. He considered himself to be very in shape, but Liam was a whole other level of ability. It was honestly kind of terrifying if you don’t know the real Liam- the puppy-dog, loyal, and mom-of-the-group Liam that Niall and Harry chose as their flatmate last November. One of the best decisions they ever made. 

“Okay, let me just grab my stuff,” said Harry right as Gemma yelled from the other room, “Harry, I thought I told you to keep buying the citrus conditioner! What the fuck is this scentless shit!?”

“It’s organic!” exclaimed Harry, offended. “And stop using my conditioner!”

Gemma didn’t respond and Harry glowered. Liam laughed. 

“Bully,” said Harry. “You know what, I’m definitely not making her a snack after that.”

He still did. 

-

**June 2015**

“Sooo,” said Louis, adjusting his phone against the wall behind his desk and meeting his mum’s curious eyes. “I met this guy…”

Jay froze, mouth opening and Louis’ insides clenched, realizing what it sounded like. “No, no, no, not like that!” he said quickly. “Just… a friend.”

“Oh?” said Jay, eager all of a sudden. Louis rolled his eyes. He had been a little antisocial these past five months but his mom could at least try to be more subtle about her excitement. 

“Yeah, his name is Zayn and he’s, well he _ was _Perrie’s boyfriend but then they realized they were better off friends, but anyway, he and I get along really well,” he felt weird just talking about it with his mum but she wanted him to tell her everything so that’s what she was going to get. “He’s a great guy.”

“I’m so glad to hear that. What’s he like?”

“He has a degree in art, but he also works part-time at this diner, Sally’s, and it’s this really cute, small place and their food is actually really good,” said Louis. “But he’s super talented with all sorts of art: paintings, watercolors, sculpting, and other stuff too. I went to his studio with him and holy shit, it was incredible- he’s really good. Proper artist.” 

“You’ll have to send me some pictures, because now I’m intrigued,” said Jay. Louis nods. “So is he bi?”

Louis tensed, “Um… yes. But I don’t see how that’s relevant?”

Jay raised an eyebrow, “You haven’t talked about someone like that for so long Lou, he must be really special.”

He is. But not in the way his mum wanted. Zayn had brought him out of the funk he'd been living in for the first half of the year. He had actually been going out and doing things for the first time in ages. But they were only friends. Louis cleared his throat having already rehearsed what he was going to say when his mum inevitably asked, “We’re just friends mum, sometimes… Sometimes I wish that I liked him like that because then I’d actually have a chance but… I don’t, and I won’t, ever.”

“Because of Harry,” finished Jay. 

He nodded. “Can we please not talk about this?”

“We never talk about it baby,” said Jay, sounding a little exasperated. “You won’t listen to me!”

“Because you’re just going to tell me I made the wrong decision,” said Louis. 

Jay raised an eyebrow, “The fact you’re expecting that should tell you something. But, that’s not it Louis. I want to understand and I want to help you get through this. You shouldn’t have to suffer through this alone.”

Louis blinked, eyes suddenly feeling wet, “I..”

“I love you,” said Jay. “And I’m not going to tell you, you made the wrong decision because it was your choice and I’m sure you had good intentions. I know you Louis, and I’ll always support you.”

Louis was crying then, “I just… It’s so hard.” He could never bring himself to tell the whole story to his mum. He was embarrassed was the thing. Embarrassed of himself and how things ended and he didn’t want to voice those insecurities out loud. 

“I know darling,” said Jay, moving the camera closer to her face. “It’ll be rough for a little while but things will get better, I promise.”

Louis nodded wiping a tear from his cheek, “Hopefully sooner rather than later.” God he was so sick of crying,

“It’ll be okay,” promised Jay. “And if one day you do want to talk about it- about _ all _of it. Then please, I’m always here for you.”

“I love you mum,” whispered Louis. 

He noticed that Jay’s eyes looked a little wet themselves as she smiled, “I love you Boobear.”

Louis scowled at the nickname, feeling lighter than he had in days. 

-

**July 2017**

They were there. Harry was in the driver’s seat, Liam was fidgeting anxiously in the passenger seat, and Niall was in the back, swearing as he played Imessage games (8-ball) probably against Barbara. 

They were parked outside an apartment building: Zayn’s apartment building. Harry studied the architecture appreciatively. It was a nice building and it had major London townhouse vibes. It looked like the type of place Zayn Malik would choose to live, that’s for sure. He turned his gaze to Liam before clearing his throat, “Any time now.”

Liam bit his lip, “I… Maybe this was a bad idea.”

Harry sighed, “No, Liam you’re up there whether Niall and I have to drag up up there or not.”

“I will not participate in any physical exertion,” warned Niall.

“_I’ll _drag you up,” amended Harry. Liam looked at his seat. “C’mon Liam, you deserve an explanation. He hasn’t answered any of your texts or calls nor made any effort to go see you. That’s on him. You guys need to at least talk, you can’t just give up!” He felt very passionate about this which was strange because even Niall hadn’t bothered Liam too much about it (though he had seemed oddly eager for them to come and confront him). Harry was too invested though. He couldn’t watch this happen without trying to prevent it himself. He met Zayn. He knew him pretty well from all the times Liam had brought him to hang out. He was praying that there was another side of the story and it was all a big understanding. 

For Liam’s sake. 

And for Harry’s faith in relationships. 

“Okay,” said Liam. “I’ll do it.”

Harry smiled triumphantly, “Do you want us to wait?”

Liam nodded before Niall said, “I think we should escort Liam up to the flat. You know, for moral support.” Liam nodded much aggressively at that.

“Okay..” said Harry slowly, a little put off by the enthusiasm in Niall’s tone. “I guess we can do that. Even if it’s just to make sure Liam doesn’t chicken out.”

“Heyyyyy,” said Liam, pouting. “I’m not a chicken.”

Harry took the opportunity, “Prove it then.”

And so the three of them entered the building and walked to the elevator. Liam’s hand was shaking as he pressed the 4 button and Harry could hear him audibly gulp as the doors finally opened and they stepped onto the seventh floor. 

“What letter is it?” asked Niall, eyes already searching the empty corridor as if Zayn’s flat would just make itself known. 

“Um..” said Liam, shuffling his feet. “Guys, I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can,” said Harry, placing two hands on his shoulders. “How much do you care about Zayn?”

“A lot,” said Liam, voice breaking. “Fuck, I think I love him H.”

Harry froze and Niall gasped. He somehow managed to compose himself enough to say, “Then don’t give up like this.”

Liam frowned, “But what if I’m disappointed?” He gulped again, “What if he breaks up with me?”

“Then he doesn’t deserve you,” said Harry firmly. “But either way, you deserve to have an answer and explanation. Now c’mon, you got this.”

Liam nodded, his hesitation morphing into a look of determination. “It’s 4G.”

Niall snickered, “4G, haha.”

Harry rolled his eyes, “Let’s go.”

They walked in a row of three to the door labelled 4G. Harry and Niall respectfully stood back and let Liam take a deep breath before approaching the door. He lifted his fist, pausing a second.

Harry prayed he didn’t give in, but much to his relief, Liam knocked on the door. 

After a minute of waiting, Liam sighed and turned around. “Maybe he’s not ho-”

But right as he spoke, Harry heard the telltale sounds of the doorknob turning and the door opening. Liam spun around. Harry braced himself to support his friend. 

The door opened. 

Time stopped. 

Harry took a step back, mouth falling open in shock as his eyes focused on the person who was definitely not Zayn standing in the doorway. 

“Oh hey Lou,” said Liam, sounding suddenly relieved. Harry couldn’t breathe. He was frozen in time. Stuck and unable to move, to process, to comprehend what- _ who _ was standing in front of him. This was a dream. It had to be. This couldn't be real. 

_He_ couldn't be real.

But he was. 

Louis Tomlinson, the ex-love of his life, the one who he would once give up everything for, the one who Harry once considered as his home, and the one who shattered his heart into a million pieces, turned to look at all of them. He looked pale and sounded nervous as he said, “Hi?”

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also just wanted to think everyone who's reading this fic and who's giving kudos and commenting because seeing the positive reception is honestly so motivating and I appreciate it so much! I've always wanted to write fanfiction and I'm so glad I've found a little home to write about two guys I love a whole lot. Thank you guys for reading. This fic is dedicated to you (and the soulmates of course). 
> 
> I hope everyone is having a good day!
> 
> (Also, fun fact: as I post this, there's less than two days until the namesake song that this fic was created because of comes into the world and I'm so excited! Don't Let It Break Your Heart is honestly my favorite song by him, that and We Made It for obvious reasons).


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone didn't notice, I changed my user to a more larry-related one: falsegoodnight ! I don't know if it still shows up as my old one or if it's completely changed to my new one yet but just so everyone doesn't even any issues finding this fic: the user is now falsegoodnight. 
> 
> Also, this chapter is a bit of a mess but it's basically the reaction/effects of the last chapter. Here comes drama!
> 
> Also also, there's going to be definite decrease in past flashbacks for the rest of the fic. We still have plenty of flashbacks especially for what happened in December/January of the present time, but that's in a while. For now, we're predominantly in the present!

**July 2017**

Louis had not expected this when he heard someone knock on the door. He had been confused because no one has ever knocked on their door without them having prior knowledge of their arrival. His first thought was Lottie, remembering how on a day last year she had shown up unannounced to surprise Louis. 

He had also been in the middle of changing into non-pajamas which was really fortunate looking back on it. He was so fucking grateful that he was dressed in a decent shirt and athletic shorts and that his hair was brushed, especially because he opened the door to Liam Payne, Niall Horan, and of course, Harry Styles. 

The universe was really not cutting him any slack. 

He knew it was coming. The inevitable confrontation where Harry saw him again and they’d have to switch to interacting occasionally for the sake of Zayn and Liam, that is unless Harry didn’t want to pretend he didn’t exist. 

It also became clear that unlike Louis, Harry had no idea that he was Zayn’s flatmate. He looked shocked, standing frozen. Maybe a little horrified- that didn’t hurt Louis at all, nope not at all. Not to mention how he was still the most handsome man Louis had ever seen in his life. He had cut his hair, but his soft curls were still there. He was older now, jawline more defined, with more of an angled face. His eyes were still green as ever. He was wearing a very Harry outfit: white shirt and black ripped jeans, his cross necklace laying on his chest. He looked good, really good. 

Louis wanted to disappear.

He was vaguely aware of many things. His arm itched, reminding him of the debacle from a few days ago. He knew there was a bandage covering the evidence but his skin still burned with the kept secret. He wondered how he looked in Harry’s eyes, probably skinnier, paler, less healthy. He suddenly wished that he _ had _taken advantage of Liam’s offers for free gym memberships. Maybe then he’d feel less inadequate next to his still-hot-and-fit ex. 

It took him a second to realize Liam asked him if Zayn was free.

“No,” he blurted, wincing slightly at his own awkwardness. It wasn’t completely a lie since he really wasn’t right there and available- he was showering. But if it made them go away, then he had no qualms with the bluff. He focused all his attention on Liam’s worried face because he could handle Liam. Despite that, Harry’s presence was still making itself known to his brain. His heart was racing and he could feel the beginnings of a blush overtaking his face. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He was going to pass out. “He’s… not,” he added, unnecessarily. Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

“Is he at work?” ask Liam, confused. “He doesn’t normally work Wednesday afternoons.”

“No, he’s in the shower,” admitted Louis once he realized he couldn’t keep up a lie. Somehow, he managed to keep his voice controlled and smooth, unaffected. He gripped the edge of the doorway hard. “Um, is there anything you wanted?” He hoped it didn’t come out awkward or judgemental. Louis needed them to leave now. Harry was there. Harry was right outside his flat, looking amazing and being amazing and Louis can’t handle it. 

Liam cleared his throat, “I.. I actually came to speak to Zayn but I guess I can come back later-”

“No!” exclaimed Niall right before Louis could sag with relief. Louis hadn’t been paying too much attention to the Irishman, but when they made eye contact Louis nearly stumbled back. Niall. His old friend. Shit, Niall and Harry were here. In 2017. After everything that had happened. It was so messed up. Niall continued quickly, “I mean, Liam you should wait for him to finish. How long do you think he’ll be?”

It took a second for him to realize the question was for him to answer, “Oh, um..” He glanced at the clock hanging in the foyer as if it’d tell him how long Zayn would take. “Not too long...”

“Okay,” said Liam. “I guess we’ll wait.”

“Me and Niall will wait in the car,” interrupted Harry firmly. Louis almost shivered upon hearing his lovely deep voice. Nothing had changed. Fuck, nothing changed. Louis dared to look at him but it didn’t matter in the end, Harry wasn’t looking at him anyway. He was staring at Liam, jaw set. 

“Nah, we can’t abandon Li right now,” said Niall. “He’ll give in.”

“I will not,” said Liam, offended. 

“What’s going on?” asked Louis. At this, Harry finally turned and they made eye contact. Blue met green. For a second the whole world stopped. But then Harry’s eyes hardened and looked away. Louis’ heart fell. 

“We’re here to see if Zayn broke up with Liam,” said Niall helpfully. Louis whipped around to stare at him. 

“What? Zayn isn’t breaking up with Liam,” said Louis, confused. 

Liam groaned, “Then why isn’t he answering any of my texts or calls?”

Louis blinked, shocked. He had no idea Zayn was doing that. 

“You had no idea?” guessed Niall. Louis nodded. 

“If it means anything, Zayn would have told me if he was going to break up with you,” said Louis to Liam. “It’s probably a misunderstanding.” He hoped anyway. Liam was good for Zayn. He didn’t know why Zayn was jeopardizing that. 

He also realized it was incredibly rude of him to keep them standing outside the flat, “You guys can come in if you’d like.” He sent a prayer to whoever was up there that the flat wasn’t too messy right now. He stepped aside to let Liam, followed by Niall (who thanked him quickly), and finally Harry into the room. Harry. Harry was in his flat. 

He was hyper aware of everything as he closed the door and led them to the living room. He was aware of the art pieces on the wall (all Zayn’s talented work) and the random mess of art supplies on the coffee table (also Zayn’s), and- Louis cringed- a make-up palette that belonged to Lottie which she left accidentally on her last visit. There was nothing inherently of Louis’ out which he was relieved about. 

Liam took a seat on the armchair and Niall and Harry sat on the sofa. “Does anyone want drinks?” asked Louis timidly. Zayn was always one for taking long showers but he had gotten in half an hour ago, which meant he should be done soon, hopefully in a few minutes. He could last a few minutes... in the same room as Harry Styles… Fuck. 

“I could actually really use a water,” said Liam, smiling sheepishly. 

Louis nodded and gratefully escaped into the kitchen. He exhaled and braced himself against the kitchen sink, shaking. He needed Zayn to be here. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t handle seeing Harry again for so long, especially- his stomach plummeted as he remembered- after the last encounter where Harry didn’t deny any of Malcolm’s scathing attacks. 

After he managed to control his breathing, he closed his eyes and focused. He was honestly pleasantly surprised that he had managed to handle things this well so far. He had been so sure he’d immediately pass out or burst into tears when he first came into contact with Harry, but he hadn’t. He _ wanted _to, but he hadn’t. An accomplishment. 

He barely succeeded at getting out a cup and fill it with water. “You got this Tommo,” he told himself. “Just a few minutes.” He hoped Zayn wouldn’t dawdle with his already super complicated conditioning routine. 

He stalled as long as he could before taking tentative steps to the living room. He froze as he caught words being exchanged. 

“You knew!?” accused a very annoyed sounding Harry. He jumped. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t by now,” shot back a defensive sounding Niall. They were talking about him, fuck. 

“What are you guys talking about?” asked Liam. “Harry, do you know Louis from uni too?”

Harry laughed bitterly. Louis flinched. “He’s my fucking ex Liam,” he hissed. “The one I was telling you about.” There was a surprised silence before Louis cautiously broke it, stepping into the room. 

Liam was still gaping at Harry, shocked. 

Great, now Liam was going to have to resent him too. 

“Here’s your water,” he said quietly, handing it to Liam. He forced himself not to look at Harry and instead took a seat on the farthest armchair, closer to Niall than Harry thank the lords. 

“So,” said Niall giving Louis a critical look, “What happened to your arm?”

Louis flinched, “Oh um, I... fell.” It sounded lame even to his own ears but thankfully Niall didn’t press any further. There was another awkward silence. If it were just him and Liam, he’d be teasing Liam about something or the other or trying to get him to try one of the strange mystery drinks from the crate Fizzy gave him the last time he was in Donny, but now things were just awkward. Liam was switching between staring at Louis and staring at Harry and Niall just looked amused. Louis risked another glance at Harry but he was only staring at the coffee table, gaze fixed and jaw tense. 

He was expecting it but it still hurt. 

God, he was so in love with him. 

Louis almost jumped up when he heard a door swing open and Zayn’s voice call out, “Lou? Who was at the door?” 

Louis got up and immediately rushed into the hallway where the bedrooms were located. He caught Zayn by the arm as he stepped out of his bedroom and whispered quickly, “Liam’s here. And Niall. And _ Harry. _”

Zayn froze, hair dripping water onto their hardwood floors. He was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans and his hair was sopping wet but he still looked as perfect as ever. Louis sort of hated him for it. “Okay,” he said slowly, blinking. “Okay. You go in your room and I’ll talk to Liam.” The way he said the latter confirmed that Zayn knew exactly what Liam wanted to talk about. 

“What the fuck happened?” asked Louis quickly. “I swear to god, Zayn if you did this for me as some sick, twisted sacrifice.”

Zayn didn’t answer, further proving his point. 

Louis groaned, “Fuck, I didn’t mean you were actually supposed to act like a motherfucking saint!” He jabbed a finger into his chest, “Fix this. I refuse for you and Liam to break up. No one makes you happy like he does.”

“You make me happy,” argued Zayn, crossing his arms petulantly. Bastard.

Louis rolled his eyes, “In a completely different way, which, _ thank god _because… ew.” 

Zayn rolled his eyes this time. “Alright, alright you ungrateful fucker. You’d be so lucky to date me by the way. Now go.”

Louis didn’t have to be told twice. He ducked past Zayn and over to his door, turning back to watch as Zayn strode into the living room. Then he slipped into his room and closed his door. He leaned against the wood surface, sliding down until he was sitting on the carpet, legs stretched out in front of him. The lights were out. Louis cried. 

-

“Liam,” said Zayn. Liam rose to his feet, stomach twisting. He felt queasy. Zayn was looking at him with an unreadable expression, hair wet and looking soft in a sweatshirt and jeans. He looked like an angel. An angel that was about to give him bad news. 

“Zayn,” he said, trying to mask the insecurity in his voice. “We need to talk.”

Zayn nodded, looking all of a sudden apologetic. “You’re right,” he said. He turned to Niall and Harry. “It’s nice to see you guys but do you mind giving us some space?”

Harry nodded and Niall stood up, “We’ll wait in the car.”

They moved to leave the room and Liam caught Harry’s angry whisper as they left the room, “So now you want to wait in the car!?”

He turned back to Zayn who took a seat on the now empty couch. 

“Look, first I just want to say,” said Zayn, pulling his legs onto the couch and moving to sit criss-cross. “I’m really sorry for ignoring your calls and texts Liam. That was really immature of me and I should’ve just talked to you immediately. I just didn’t know what to say.”

Liam’s heart lurched, “So… you’re breaking up with me?” He was a second away from falling apart. All he needed was a confirmation and he’d breakdown. Zayn couldn’t break up with him. He was in _ love _with him. 

Zayn’s eyes widened, “No! No, of course not!”

Something in Liam unclenched and he was sinking back into the couch, feeling relieved. He laughed. “Thank god!”

There was a pause and then, “Do you want to break up with me?” Liam stared at Zayn who actually looked nervous to his answer. 

“Of course not!” he replied, maybe a little too loud. 

“Good,” said Zayn relieved. But then he looked pained and so guilty, “I’m so sorry I made you think that.”

Liam wanted to just forget it. He wanted to forgive Zayn and then cross the distance between them and just kiss his worries away. But he knew he deserved better than that. He bit his lip and asked cautiously, “Why did you ignore me though?”

Zayn sighed, looking at the floor, “Here’s the thing, I can’t exactly tell you that.”

Liam raised an eyebrow, “Why not?”

“Remember when I told you that there’s a lot you don’t know about what I’ve gone through this past year?” asked Zayn. Liam nodded. “And remember when I told you to be careful around Louis because he’s going through a tough time?” 

Liam nodded again. It was a conversation they had the day after Liam first met Louis. He himself had noticed a sort of sadness in Louis when they first met even if he seemed to be all smart comments, witty banter, and sharp confidence. There was a melancholy undertone to the way he spoke and move. Zayn had told him about Louis losing his mom and how he was still getting through that. Liam understood- the loss of a parent was something unimaginable for anyone to deal with. He had also had a feeling that losing his mom wasn’t the whole story. 

“Well this kind of has something to do with that,” said Zayn, looking slightly uncomfortable. “And I can’t share Louis’ secrets with you. That’s his choice and I’m always going to respect that.”

“I understand,” said Liam. “But you have to understand that I need more than that for an explanation. I don’t get why you couldn’t have at least replied to one of my texts to let me know you’d be inaccessible for a bit or whatever you were doing.”

Zayn sighed before nodding. “You’re right. But before I get into that, I feel like you should know that Harry and Louis-”

“Dated,” finished Liam. “Yes, I just found out. I’m definitely going to have a conversation with Harry and Niall later. I can’t believe they kept this from me!”

Zayn’s mouth quirked, “Have fun with that mate. It’s not a fun story.”

“I got the feeling,” agreed Liam, slightly frustrated. “But you can’t possibly be saying that you were avoiding me because of that, can you?”

Zayn hesitated, messing with his hoodie strings, “Not exactly. It’s complicated Li. I know that’s not a straight answer but I really can’t tell you this much. All I can say is that I’m worried. Louis is doing better but he’s still not healed.”

“And you don’t want Harry to jeopardize that?” guessed Liam. 

Zayn nodded, “I have a very clear picture of what happened between the two of them, even if it is a little biased. Louis will definitely disagree with me but there was something not right about what happened between them. And what I see is that Harry being back in his life is not the best thing for him. I think we’re probably going to have to keep them apart.”

Liam frowned. 

“I don’t want this to affect us either,” added Zayn. 

“It won’t,” said Liam, firmly. He hesitated before standing up and moving to sit beside Zayn. He took Zayn’s hand and squeezed it. “I accept your apology by the way. What you did hurt me, but I understand that you probably had good intentions.”

Zayn nodded, before hugging Liam. “I swear that one day I’ll be strong enough to explain everything.” He leaned in closer. “I also swear I’ll do something to make it up to you,” he whispered into Liam’s ear. He shivered before turning to catch Zayn’s lips against his. 

“I’m so sorry,” said Zayn again after a minute of them kissing softly. 

“I know,” said Liam, squeezing his arm.

Zayn's eyes were shining as they met his again, "Thank you. Thank you for letting me explain and for forgiving me and for understanding. I promise this will never happen again."

"You're welcome," said Liam. "But I'm just doing the right thing. You didn't mean to hurt me and you were protecting a dear friend. There's nothing wrong with that. And I know it won't happen again." Zayn smiled and leaned back to rest his head on Liam's shoulder. Liam closed his eyes, content for the first time in three days. He was suddenly struck by a thought he had a few weeks ago that now was just really horribly ironic. He actually laughed out loud. Zayn pulled back, confused and slightly surprised. “Sorry, sorry. It’s just-” He paused to laugh again. “I was thinking earlier that it would be such a good idea to set Louis and Harry up because I felt like they’d be good together…” He started laughing again. “Oh my god!”

Zayn was grinning. “I was thinking about it too,” admitted Zayn and they both laughed. 

“I guess they beat us there,” said Liam, giggling. 

Zayn chuckled, “I guess they did.”

After the laughs had worn off, Liam cleared his throat. He decided he couldn't let his other thoughts go unsaid. “About the whole ‘keeping them apart’ thing…” 

Zayn turned to look at him, wary. “Yes?”

“I know you’re worried about what would happen and I know it’s not like they’re going to get back together or anything,” said Liam carefully. “But, what if... what if they were to become friends again?”

Zayn blinked in surprise before his face smoothed into an unreadable expression. Liam fidgeted nervously, awaiting an answer. 

Liam opened his mouth to take it back, but then: “I’m listening…”

-

“I cannot believe you didn’t tell me,” yelled Harry as soon as they exited the building. He and Niall had spent the past two minutes in complete silence; the air between them was loaded with tension. 

“I tried to so many times,” said Niall and Harry scoffed. “But I’m more surprised that you didn’t get it sooner.”

“Don’t you dare put this on me,” said Harry seriously, whirling around to fix Niall with a heated glare. “Honestly, what the fuck Niall. How long have you known?”

Niall opened his mouth to answer but Harry added, “Don’t you dare lie.”

Niall had the nerve to look sheepish as he revealed, “Since May.” 

Harry snapped. “WHAT THE FUCK!”

Niall winced, “Okay, I know that sounds bad and I’m so sorry. Honestly Harry.”

Harry grew even angrier as he remembered another night, “That day you were being an asshole when Mal came over!” His eyes widened his disbelief. “You asshole, you knew about Louis then and you were what? Mocking me? Making fun of me because I was blissfully unaware?”

Niall frowned, taken aback, “No, that’s not what I was doing at all-”

“Then what!?” exclaimed Harry. He was so pissed off. Niall _ knew. _He had known for nearly two months and he hadn’t told him. It was a complete betrayal of trust. 

He was so angry. 

All he could see when he shut his eyes was Louis. Louis Tomlinson. Who he hadn’t seen anywhere except in pictures and his dreams in over two years. It almost felt like a dream. He looked almost the same too. His hair was slightly shorter and he seemed skinnier for some reason, a little paler, but he was still _ Louis. _

Which meant that he was still the most beautiful person Harry had ever seen. 

It had been a fact that took him ages to accept after the breakup. That even though they weren’t together, Harry still found him to be the prettiest person on earth. That he was always going to be this gorgeous boy that Harry couldn’t have. But at least then he didn’t have to actually look at him. To his horror, he felt tears in his eyes. 

He was already crying over his ex, great. 

“Harry,” said Niall tentatively. 

“Don’t,” said Harry and he almost didn’t recognize his own voice. He was so mad and lost. He needed to punch something. Hit something. Get his frustration and confusion out. “I’m going to the gym.” He turned and started walking away. 

“What? You’re walking?” called Niall, incredulous. 

“I can’t exactly take the car now can I?” yelled Harry. Even though it was his own car, he would never leave Niall and Liam stranded like that. He physically couldn't. No matter how mad he may be. “Don’t even talk to me!”

“You’ve got to be kidding me! Stop being dramatic,” yelled Niall after him. There was a pause before, “If you really love Liam, you’re going to have to learn to get along with Louis!”  
Harry stopped, breathing hard. 

“Louis is Zayn’s best friend and Liam is dating Zayn,” said Niall after a second. “You can’t tell me that you’re going to let your resentment get in the way of their happiness.”

Harry clenched his fists, caught out. Niall was right of course. He would have to get along and actually _ interact _with Louis if Liam and Zayn continued on which they definitely seemed to be doing. As in Liam hadn’t run out of the building crying yet so things must be going well. 

He took a deep shuddery breath, suddenly overwhelmed. He couldn’t deal with Louis being back in his life. He couldn’t. He wasn’t strong enough. Just seeing him this one time was too much. Seeing his feathery brown hair and bright blue eyes and his nose and his mouth and his wrists and his collarbones from where they peeked out from his shirt. Seeing him in his flat where he lived with someone that wasn’t Harry. Seeing the pictures of Louis and Zayn or Louis and his sisters hanging in the foyer. Seeing Liam interact with him so casually. That last one was worse. The fact that Liam had known Louis for ages already, that they were probably _ friends. Lou _he remembered Liam calling him. He shuddered.

That brought back more memories. Liam telling Niall and Harry about meeting Zayn’s flatmate and how funny he was nearly three months ago. Liam telling Harry about how he played a very intense game of football with Zayn’s flatmate awhile ago. Liam telling Harry that he would love Louis because they had a lot in common. Bile rose in his throat. 

It was too much. 

“I can’t do this,” he said. 

“Harry-”

“No, I’m still going to the gym,” he said, before continuing his quick pace. “I’ll be back before dinner.” Niall didn’t bother calling after him this time. 

Harry slipped his hands into his pockets and walked, moving farther and farther away from the impossibility he has just witnessed. 

He made it about five blocks before he realized he was way too far from the gym and that he actually had no interest in working out right now. All he wanted to do was sleep and hopefully forget that this afternoon even happened. He wanted to wake up to the world as it was yesterday, simple and easy. 

He wanted to talk to Gemma but she had left the day before. Talking on the phone wasn’t the same. He stopped at a bench and sat down, holding his head. The sky was pink and yellow, early evening. It was undeniably pretty which made Harry want to scream. He couldn’t believe this. Of all the people in the entire world, Zayn’s flatmate had to be Louis fucking Tomlinson. 

When he had first found out his name, he hadn’t even considered Zayn’s flatmate to be his Louis. No, not _ his _ Louis. Not anymore. Not for a long time. Now that he thought about it, the whole thing was him in denial. Niall was right, it should have been obvious. How many Louis’ were there in London that were around their age anyway? Of course it was him, especially since the universe seemed to be plotting against Harry. 

He sighed. Niall was also right about him having to get along with Louis.

Louis hadn’t seemed judgemental or rude earlier which meant that he was more than likely to cooperate if they were to call a truce of sorts. But Harry didn’t know if he could handle it. All he could think of was Louis breaking his heart. _ I’m not sure I’m in love with you anymore. _

_ Goodbye Harry. _

Fuck, he was supposed to be over it. That’s what he had been telling himself for months, years even. 

He realized almost maniacally that tears were streaming down his face. God, what a throwback. Harry was crying over Louis just like the two months he spent doing exactly that in 2015. Perfect. 

He waited until his tears finally relented before standing up and checking his phone. It had only been about an hour but he figured the others would be slightly concerned if he didn’t check in, despite his promises to be back by dinner. Sure enough, Niall had tried to call him multiple times, as did Liam. Niall had also sent him a single text: 

_ everything good w ziam, r u ok? _

Harry rolled his eyes. Was he okay? Definitely not. But he sent a quick text (to Liam, not Niall- he wanted to ignore him as much as possible for what he did) saying he was on his way back. Then he called a cab. 

In the backseat of a taxi, he decided on a course of action. 

-

“Where have you been?” asked Liam as he stepped into the flat. He closed the door behind him, rolling his eyes. 

“I told Niall I’d be back by dinner,” answered Harry. “Also, congrats. Apparently ‘Ziam’ lives to see another day.” He knew he sounded bitter, but at this point he didn’t care. He was in a shitty mood. 

Liam frowned at him nonetheless, “Yes, ‘Ziam’ does. Now do you want to bring up the elephant in the room or should I?”

Glaring at the floor, Harry changed the topic, “Where’s Niall?”

“He’s in his room, giving you some space to cool off,” said Liam, sounding just the tiniest bit scolding. “I’m serious Harry, you’re not leaving until we talk about this.”

Harry scowled, “Do we have to talk about this today?”

“Yes,” said Liam. “I’m honestly at a loss. I was definitely not expecting this for when you two finally met, or I guess, re-met.” 

“No fucking way,” muttered Harry. “Look, I know what you’re thinking. This isn’t going to be a problem.”

“It won’t?” asked Liam, raising an eyebrow. He seemed almost amused. Harry wanted to kick him, okay maybe now that. Kicking Liam would be like kicking a puppy. He wanted to yell at him, that was better. 

“No, it won’t,” said Harry, walking past him to splay himself on the couch. He closed his eyes. “I’ll be civil. I don’t know about Louis though.”

“Oh for god’s sake,” said Liam, sounding as if he were rolling his eyes. “Spare me the bitter ex persona-” Harry opened his eyes, offended. “I know he hurt you and I’m not trying to dismiss the pain I’m sure you went through, but Louis isn’t going to be like that. I can’t see him doing anything to hurt anyone, except maybe pulling a prank. He was being perfectly nice today too.” 

Harry scoffed. “He didn’t even acknowledge me!”

“You didn’t acknowledge him either,” pointed out Liam. Harry felt him take a seat on the end of the couch and he begrudgingly moved his legs so he could sit properly. 

“Yeah well I was caught off guard,” said Harry. “He wasn’t nearly as shocked as I was. I bet he knew.”

“He probably did,” agreed Liam. “And he hasn’t done anything with that information. Look I don’t expect you to talk about it but I know that he’s a good person.”

Harry glowered. Of course Louis had charmed Liam. He charmed everyone, including Harry. What a mistake that ended up being. He wondered what Louis and Liam would even talk about. Probably Marvel suggested his stupid brain. Louis probably teased Liam all the time- he was always so nice about things like that, making him the perfect victim. Maybe they’ve watched films together and Liam listened to Louis’ famous commentary which should be irritating but it was really just entertaining and endearing and- Harry tensed. 

“Are we done?” he asked a little too loudly. His heart was racing and he felt guilty- caught red handed even though Liam wasn’t a mind reader. When Liam didn’t reply immediately, he stood up. “I’m taking a shower.”

“We’re ordering pizza for dinner,” was Liam’s final reply. “And for the record,” he said, gaze softening. “Whatever may happen, I’ll always be on your side H.”

Harry felt an unexpected warmth glow inside him proving to himself that he could never properly be mad at Liam. He knew- or at least hoped- it wouldn’t come to picking sides, but it was nice to have the reassurance that Harry wouldn’t be alone if it did happen. “See you in a bit.”

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that the whole Ziam fight subplot was so rushed and easily fixed- it wasn't really meant to be such a big deal but I wanted to make this as realistic as possible and ziam fighting eventually would be realistic especially with Zayn's devotion to Louis and all that extra drama. I resolved it as fast as possible though because one angsty couple is enough. 
> 
> Next chapter coming soon! I'm on Thanksgiving Break so I have a lot of free time to write as much as I can before school reopens and I have finals! I'll probably be taking a week or two week break during the weeks leading up to finals but I'll update for sure when we get to that point. 
> 
> I hope everyone is streaming DLIBYH, it's honestly my favorite song by him and the inspiration to this fic!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates! I'm thankful for all of you as well as for Haz and Lou of course. :)
> 
> This is just a bit of a filler chapter but we do get some insight into Louis' therapy sessions. I just want to do a disclaimer that this is not an accurate portrayal of what therapy is like because I have a very limited experience with it. I don't mean to offend anyone or trigger anyone either. This is a vital part of Louis' road to healing and recovery (therapy is great! getting help is always okay!)

“Holy shit,” said Lottie when Louis finally finished explaining. He just groaned in response. They had already gone over the usual stuff: how the girls are, what’s going on with Tanologist, how Zayn is (or “bad boy”), but Lottie had immediately been able to tell that Louis was anxious to talk about something else. 

So Louis told her. 

None of his family except for his mum had known much about what happened with Harry. They definitely didn’t know he was still not over it, well they excluding Lottie. It was too difficult to keep stuff from Lottie. 

Which meant that she understood the gravity of the situation. “What are you going to do?” she asked after a minute of him trying and failing to respond. Her face was wrinkled with concern. 

Louis sighed, “What I can do, which is to deal with it." It had already almost been a week since that fateful day and it would be fair to say that he hadn't been doing to well with that plan so far. On top of nightmares about his mom, he kept dreaming about Harry- Harry holding him, kissing him, making love to him, before laughing at him and telling him he didn't love him. Louis always woke up shaking after those dreams, cheeks already stained with dry tears and hands clutching his oversized jumper- or rather, Harry's jumper. It was also fair to say Louis had not been sleeping well. Insomnia had been present ever since his mum died but it was now much worse, leaving Louis slow and exhausted during the day. But it wasn't like he had to be anywhere most of the time, so he got away with it. 

Zayn also hadn't noticed yet much to Louis' relief. He had enough to worry about with figuring out stuff with Liam and with working at Sally's or at the studio which he had been visiting more and more as time went on. He was also already worried about Louis' appetite which had been nonexistent ever since December as well with no improvement made. Zayn never forced him to eat more than he wanted but he did make sure Louis ate something at every meal.

Louis wouldn't say he was anorexic or anything- Zayn made sure of it. But he did know he had an issue especially when he realized he hadn't been genuinely hungry in about eight months. He tried to eat more. He honestly did, but it made him feel sick and nauseous and full, too full. So he stuffed down what he had to in order to make Zayn happy and didn't eat anything after that. He knew he was getting skinnier but he didn't really mind, if anything that was a benefit. He also knew it was taking a toll on him but he couldn't help it. No one was really looking at him anyway. 

Lottie frowned, “I don’t like that plan.” It took Louis a second to remember what she was responding to. 

“What else is there?” asked Louis. “Maybe… maybe it won’t be that bad?” He rushed to continue as Lottie opened her mouth to argue. “Look, maybe this is fate. Maybe interacting with him will help me finally get over him.”

Lottie’s frown grew, “I guess that’s a possibility. Harry will have definitely changed in the past two years which means you’ll be able to separate him from the version you’ve been idolizing all these years.”

Louis frowned. 

“Don’t give me that look, you can’t deny it,” said Lottie. 

“You don’t know anything about our breakup or how Harry is as a person,” defended Louis, crossing his arms. Even though Lottie had met and talked to Harry numerous times, she didn’t know as well as Louis how great he was. Harry was a genuinely good person and he had been the entire length of them dating. That wasn’t the issue here. He sighed, “But maybe I will finally get over him.” _ Or you’ll fall deeper in love with him now that there’s no barriers between you two and you’ll get your heart broken more than it already is and then Zayn and Lottie will hate you forever. _

He ignored that voice. 

“Let’s hope,” said Lottie, effectively ending the conversation. “What about your first appointment?” 

Louis flinched, biting his lip. “Tomorrow,” he said quietly. 

Lottie softened, “Don’t be afraid Lou, this is going to help you so much.”

“I know,” he admitted. He was afraid though. He didn’t know much about therapy, but he was sure it included having to work through the trauma you’ve dealt with. Louis did not want to do that. He couldn’t bear to relive the events of last winter. “I hope.”

“It will,” said Lottie firmly. She glanced off camera and frowned, “My break is over in a minute so unfortunately I have to say bye.”

“Bye Lottie, love you,” said Louis. 

“Love you too Lou Bear,” said Lottie teasingly. “Call me after the appointment if you’re up for it. Tell me how it goes or I’ll pester Zayn to tell me.”

Louis rolled his eyes, “Stop texting Zayn.”

“Never,” said Lottie, grinning. “Byeeeeeee!” She hung up and Louis shook his head. Talking to Lottie had relieved some of the pressure on his chest but everything still felt overwhelming and heavy. He realized painfully that what he needed was to talk to his mum. 

Unfortunately, he could no longer do that. 

He would never be able to for the rest of his life. 

-

“So Louis,” said James. James Corden. Louis’ therapist. He shuddered. “I understand from what your sister has been telling me that you’re going through a hard time moving on from your mother’s death.” 

Louis flinched, but nodded. They had already gone over the usual stuff like introductions and whether Louis had ever been in therapy before (no) and if he’d talked to a therapist (yes… in the hospital). James also told him that this appointment was more introductory and casual. 

He didn’t continue immediately, just studying him carefully. Louis knew he looked nervous. He was nervous. His hands were shaking so he sat on them but now his whole body was quivering. _ It’s just therapy. Not a hospital. _

_ Not a hospital. _

But him sitting in this mostly white room with someone staring and him and most likely about to start asking him questions that were too hard to answer felt too familiar to another scenario he had lived through earlier that year. 

_ Breathe Louis. _

That was Zayn’s voice in his head. He relaxed and took a deep breath. Zayn was waiting outside because James wanted a chance to get to know Louis without Louis depending on Zayn to answer and talk to him. Zayn promised to stay outside unless Louis called for him. 

He felt like calling for him already and he hadn’t even been asked anything properly. 

James softened slightly, most likely in pity, but for once Louis didn’t mind. “We don’t have to talk about it immediately Louis. This whole thing is going to be at _ your _pace.”

He nodded again, feeling a little lighter. He didn’t have to deal with it right then. He could procrastinate. 

“Do you want to talk about Zayn?” asked James. 

Zayn. He was a safe and easy topic so Louis nodded again. James asked him questions about Zayn. Easy questions. 

Who is Zayn to you? My best friend and flatmate. 

How long have you two known each other? 2 years. 

What does Zayn make you feel? 

Louis had to think about that one but he settled on: comfortable, happy, _ safe. _

What do you think Zayn’s answer to that question would be? 

Louis hesitated. This one was hard. James seemed to notice, “Just think. How do you think you make him feel?”

He frowned, considering his options. In the end, he decided to be as honest as possible, “Happy… but also stressed.” It felt like a confession. “Maybe a little regretful.” The last part came out against his better judgement and he sucked in a breath.

James raised an eyebrow, intrigued. “Regretful how?”

Louis fidgeted with his bandage, severely regretting this, “Like…. Never mind actually.”

“Are you sure about that?” asked James. 

Louis winced, he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t bear his biggest insecurities and be completely honest with this guy. He may be nice but he was still a stranger. He couldn’t even tell Zayn about his biggest worries, how could he tell him? “I… don’t know.”

“That’s okay,” said James to Louis’ relief. “We’ll come back to him later. Do you want to talk about your sister, Lottie?”

Louis bit his lip, and then nodded, not trusting his words any longer. He itched his bandage. Technically, he didn’t need it any longer but he kept it on despite the itching and chafing because it covered the scars. They’d take months and months to fade and he hated looking at them. They reminded him of the pain. He didn’t want to see them and be tempted again either. Never again. 

When Louis answered these questions he was a lot more subdued:

What does Lottie make you feel? Proud, happy, but maybe a little guilty. James seemed to understand the last bit, “That’s completely normal. You’re her big brother. You feel a responsibility for her even though she’s an adult now yes?”

Louis nodded. 

“She can take care of herself, you know that right?” said James. Louis nodded, of course he knew that! “You don’t have to feel like you have to take care of her,” he added. Louis disagreed. That was what big brothers were supposed to do after all. But he didn’t say anything. 

“Do you and Lottie have any strain in your relationship after everything?”

Louis frowned, mulling it over. “I don’t think… Not really, as in we don’t resent each other or anything. Sometimes I get frustrated because Lottie tries to get me to do stuff that I don’t want to do but I know that she means well so there’s no resentment there.” He bit his lip and glanced at James who was still looking at him expectantly. Like he wanted to hear more. “Sometimes I wish she would focus more on her own career and her success because she deserves to prioritize herself, but instead she’s so eager to help out her broken older brother.” He laughed self-deprecating. 

“Broken?” asked James. “Is that how you feel?”

“I mean… yeah,” said Louis honestly. “But… I think I do have the potential to heal. I’ve finally accepted it which is why I’m here.”

James smiled, “You will heal Louis, I promise you that.” Louis let himself latch onto the confidence in his voice. _ You will heal. _

“I think that’s enough about Lottie,” said James, checking his notes quickly. “What about Harry?” Louis froze. 

“What?” he asked, heart racing. 

“Harry?” said James. “Your ex? That’s his name, I didn’t get it wrong did I?”

“No, that’s definitely his name,” said Louis. He felt faint. “Who told you about him?”

James looked confused, “Lottie? She said this was one of the things you wanted to talk about? How whatever happened with Harry affected your mental health.”

Louis gaped. He felt like he had just been punched in the gut. 

Of fucking course. Of course this wasn’t just about his mum. 

He stood up, suddenly angry, “I definitely do not want to talk about him. Lottie never mentioned this to me.”

James looked concerned, “Clearly this is a hard topic for you, we can come back-”

“No!” yelled Louis, before he felt the familiar shaky feeling envelop him. “I don’t want to talk about him with you, not ever. Please, I can’t.”

James stood up too looking alarmed, “It’s okay Louis, we won’t talk about him. Calm down, take a deep breath.” Louis tried but he couldn’t. He felt like his throat was closing and he couldn’t inhale. He choked, tears growing in his eyes. James’ eyes widened, “Breathe Louis, breathe.”

Louis keeled over, catching himself by grabbing the edge of the table. He could feel himself panting through the loud buzzing in his ears. He clutched the table edge, shaking. 

“Zayn!” called a worried voice. Dimly, Louis heard the door open and the sound of someone gasping. 

Then a hand was gripping his shoulder, “Lou.” 

Familiar.

He closed his eyes, slowly losing steam. After a few moments, he opened his mouth and took a weak breath. It felt like a relief. 

“Babe,” said Zayn sadly. He pulled Louis to his chest and Louis clutched his shoulders, still heaving. “It’s okay.”

“Maybe we should continue this next time,” offered James. Louis wept in relief. “It always takes a while, don’t worry. Healing is a long and hard journey but Louis has the potential. He seems like a very brave lad.”

“He is,” agreed Zayn quietly. “The strongest one I know.”

After James and Zayn quickly arranged a second appointment, Zayn gently led Louis to the car, arm around his shoulders, keeping him close. “I’m proud of you,” he kept whispering even though Louis completely failed him. 

Zayn opened the door for him and helped Louis sit in the car. Louis rested his head on his arms on the dashboard and breathed deeply through his mouth. 

They drove back. 

Louis didn’t call Lottie. 

-

Harry was standing outside the door of flat 4G, waiting. 

Waiting for what, he didn’t know. Just for a sign or a burst of courage. 

He had first come three hours ago but when he knocked on the door, no one answered. He waited a few minutes before knocking again. When no one came the third time, he determined that they really were out though part of him was suspicious they were home and Louis was purposely ignoring him. But that was a cruel assumption to make. 

So here he was, three hours later with no actual confirmation that they were back and would answer. But he had to try. He had to try to resolve this quickly. 

Without letting himself second-guess and stall, he raised his hand and knocked firmly. Three times. He stepped back and slumped his shoulders, insides clenching in anticipation. This was important, he told himself. He couldn’t just leave and run away like he wanted to. He itched his side nervously, staring at the unmoving door. 

Right as he was contemplating whether to leave or keep waiting since no one had answered, the door creaked before swinging open. Harry steeled himself as Louis blinked, gaping. “Hi,” he said after a moment of Louis still staring at him. 

He was wearing an Arctic Monkeys shirt and basketball shorts and his hair was mussed and soft-looking. His eyes were bright, bright blue. Harry had noticed it last time too and ignored it as much as possible but now he was staring directly into them, feeling apprehensive under Louis’ intense gaze.

And of course he was effortlessly pretty. Harry ignored that too. 

“Hi,” said Louis after a long, awkward pause. “Um, no offense but what are you doing here?”

Harry snorted. “Nice to see you too Louis,” he said dryly. It wasn’t like he expected things to go super smoothly but now he had confirmation. All the more motivation to make this go as fast as possible. 

Louis flinched and then blushed, “No, I didn’t mean-”

“It’s alright, I just wanted to talk to you real quickly,” he said. “It’ll be quick.”

He looked a little confused and reluctant. Harry nearly groaned, but he reminded himself that this was a weird situation. It was weird for both of them. _ It should be weirder for me but… _

“Please?” he tried. “It’s important.” 

Louis frowned but nodded, moving aside to let Harry in. He slipped inside, nearly hissing as his arm brushed Louis’ on the way in. Goosebumps erupted on his bare arm. Louis’ arm was cold. Even in the summer, Louis had always run a little colder than everyone else meaning he was always complaining about the lack of warmth. 

Harry frowned as memories surfaced in his mind: him eagerly wrapping Louis’ smaller hands within his own to spread warmth, him completely enveloping Louis’ body with his own in bed to keep him warm, him giving Louis his jumpers and sweatshirts to wear but to be fair, he had always liked the way Louis looked in his bigger clothes (small, soft, and smelling like Harry). 

He brushed the thoughts away and followed present Louis to the living room. He took a seat on the armchair, leaving Louis to sit on the couch. 

“What is it you wanted to talk about?” asked Louis, pulling his legs onto the couch and sitting cross-legged. 

“I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page,” said Harry, clasping his hands. 

“The same page,” repeated Louis, looking dubious. 

“Yes,” said Harry. “I think we both want what’s best for Liam and Zayn which means we’re going to have to learn to get along for their sake.”

Louis blinked but didn’t complain, so Harry continued. 

“All I’m saying is that for the sake of everyone else, we need to start over,” said Harry. 

“Start over?” asked Louis. 

“Yeah, like…” he hesitated, trying to think of how to articulate his thoughts properly. He should’ve practiced more. “Like I guess we pretend like we were never a thing.”

He looked up at Louis who was looking back with an unreadable expression. Harry frowned. “I know this is weird, but we’re both adults. We can be mature about this, right?”

There was a pause before Louis replied quietly, “Right.” He sounded a little unsure. 

“Great,” said Harry, glad there was no argument. “So everything that happened between us is history. All the resentment and bias is erased. As far as we know, we met through Liam and Zayn and we’re just acquaintances.”

Louis blinked at him. 

“And you know, it only makes sense,” said Harry. “It’s been so long, we might as well only be acquaintances.” Harry isn’t sure, but he felt like he saw Louis flinch. “This is the easiest solution for this, right?”

“I guess so,” echoed Louis. He sounded even quieter than before but Harry chalked it up to the strangeness of the conversation in general. 

“And we can be civil to each other?” said Harry. 

“Yeah, definitely,” said Louis, but he seemed unhappy about it. He kept fidgeting with his shirt or with the bandage that was still on his arm. Harry wondered what really happened. His excuse of “falling” seemed fake but he didn’t know why Louis would lie. Maybe he was embarrassed? 

“Okay, perfect,” said Harry anyway, attempting a smile. “No hard feelings, right?”

Louis nodded slowly. 

“Great,” said Harry standing up. “This went even faster than I predicted. This is good. I’m glad we’ve come to an agreement.” He laughed awkwardly, feeling slightly lighter. “Besides, it’s not like we have to be friends or anything.”

Louis frowned, staring at him, “Right.” 

“Okay, thanks for letting me in,” said Harry. He cleared his throat. It suddenly felt a lot more awkward in the room. “Right, so I have a doctor’s appointment so…” 

Louis stood up, “Of course, sorry.”

Harry didn’t know what he was apologizing for but he was almost free. He felt like he was suffocating in this flat. Not due to the flat itself, it was actually objectively very nice. He opened the door and stepped outside, hesitating before turning around to say one last proper goodbye. “I hope you have a nice day, see you sometime I guess.”

“You too,” said Louis. He looked stiff standing there with one hand on the doorknob, eyes focused somewhere behind Harry. The realization made him want to roll his eyes. Louis at least could have the decency to meet his eyes. 

“Alright, bye,” said Harry, moving to walk away but then. 

“Hey Harry?” 

He froze, “Yes?” He turned back to look at Louis who was fidgeting with his shirt. 

“Do you… Are you still making music?” he asked. 

Harry stared at him. Seriously? Louis wanted to bring up that? He blinked, feeling half defensive and half in shock. Louis looked curious for his answer which was most surprising of all, like he genuinely wanted to know and wasn’t mentioning it out of spite. 

It took Harry months to understand that Louis had always been jealous of his success like Malcolm always said. 

“Yeah,” he said firmly. “I am.” He waited to see Louis’ reaction but he didn’t get one. Louis kept his face neutral. Clever. 

“Cool,” he said. A lie. He glanced at the floor. “Bye Harry.”

“Bye Louis.”

When Louis closed the door, Harry realized the empty feeling he had become so familiarized with during the early months of 2015 was now back in full fledge.

He stopped in front of the elevator and hit the button, thinking. 

This was going to be way harder than anticipated. 

-

Louis sat down against the door after Harry left, feeling a mixture of nauseous and disappointed. He shouldn’t be disappointed, this was exactly what he expected but it still hurt. 

It hurt to be reminded that Harry had moved on over the past two and a half years and Louis was still stuck on their broken relationship. He was still in love with Harry. He would never not be in love with Harry. 

But Harry didn’t love him anymore- probably stopped loving him ages ago. Probably forgot about Louis altogether until he was cruelly reminded that day a week ago. 

Louis curled further into himself as he realized- Harry didn’t even want to try to be _ friends. _

Acquaintances. That’s what Harry wanted them to be. 

He wanted to erase their entire past and pretend like they didn’t know each other. 

Pretend like they never lived together, never shared a bed together, never had sex together, never kissed or made out, never laughed together, never cuddled on the couch and spent most of every day together. He wanted to erase all of the memories. Bile rose in his throat. 

Harry wanted to forget everything and Louis wanted it all back.

Louis couldn’t erase any of it, he relied on those happy memories. Happy days to get him through the dark ones he faced now. And he was supposed to just forget about it? 

Fuck, how was he supposed to do this? 

This was going to be way harder than anticipated. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have anything to say. Things will pick up next chapter for sure so stay tuned!
> 
> I hope everyone also has a lovely Thanksgiving/regular day!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Happy Wednesday (well it's not technically Wednesday for me yet but it is for most of the world so I figured, why the hell not?) lovely people!
> 
> This chapter is way longer than I thought it was going to be (around 6k) so I hope that's a pleasant surprise! And yes, there's a lot of angst, sorry sorry. But also not really. I gave you guys Jealous!Harry to make up for it?? Or at least Minor Jealous!Harry??? 
> 
> Enjoy!?

**August 2015**

Louis didn’t know what he was doing here. 

It had been ages since he had went clubbing but when Zayn begged him to accompany him that night because Gigi invited him out and Zayn was head over heels for her already. Zayn hadn’t dated much after he and Perrie realized they were better off friends but when he called Louis to gush about the “most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen,” Louis had a feeling this girl would end up being important especially since Zayn never gushed… about anyone. 

Gigi was a model but she was also an artist and Zayn had met her at a ceramics class at the local art center about a month ago. They hit it off really well but Zayn hadn’t worked up the courage to ask her out yet. He was too afraid of Gigi rejecting him. Louis had been there through it all and had heard all of Zayn’s rants and accounts of their conversations- in other words, he knew there was absolutely no chance of Gigi saying no. He had told Zayn so and he had agreed to do it tonight. But he wanted Louis’ support. 

So he was going out for the first time in forever. 

It felt weird. He was only 23- a perfectly acceptable age to party without a care, but for some reason, he felt older stepping into the crowded pub. 

He was in his black vans, black skinnies, and a simple white shirt that said “not heartbroken” on it. The irony made him laugh. He had messed around with his hair for longer than he cared to admit before giving up and leaving it in a messy fringe. He felt out of practice but he was pretty sure he looked at least decent- that was good enough for him. It wasn’t like he was aiming to pull or anything. 

Zayn was dressed to perfection in dark ripped jeans, a sheer white shirt that contrasted nicely with his golden skin, and his hair was perfectly arranged, a single tantalizing strand hanging in front of his forehead. He basically looked like a Greek god. Louis had gotten used to having a friend who was effortlessly beautiful and sexy. Gigi was a very lucky girl. 

“Gigi said she has a table at the back,” said Zayn, glancing at his phone. “She brought some of her friends so maybe you’ll meet someone nice to talk to.” To talk to. Zayn was aware of Louis’ aversion to flirting and pulling in this point of his life. He didn’t know much but Louis knew he had at least guessed that Louis was still getting over a past relationship. But either way, he respected Louis’ choices and had not once tried to set Louis up with someone else like some of his other friends had. 

Louis appreciated that. 

“Maybe,” said Louis. He mostly wanted to drink the night away and maybe dance if he worked himself up to it but he wouldn’t mind chatting with a few people if he had to. 

They spotted the table pretty quickly. Gigi was dressed in a silky white sleeveless top and a short, black skirt. She looked good. Zayn was frozen beside him. 

“You’ll be fine,” said Louis, exasperated. “I’m telling you, she’s going to say yes!”

Zayn bit his lip, “If you say so.”

“Trust me,” said Louis seriously. He nudged Zayn in the shoulder. “If she says no I won’t drink tea for a month.”

Zayn smirked, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“The point is that I won’t have to keep it,” said Louis, rolling his eyes. “Now go get your girl!”

Zayn grinned, “I’ll try.” Then he pulled Louis into a hug, “Thanks for coming with me, I know you didn’t want to.”

Louis smiled, burying his face in Zayn’s neck to hide it, “Anything for you Zaynie.”

“Try to have fun,” said Zayn fixing him with a stern stare. 

Louis saluted him and Zayn rolled his eyes. They walked to the table. Gigi looked up and completely brightened up upon seeing Zayn. _ Rejecting Zayn my ass. _

“Zayn!” she exclaimed, moving away from her friends to meet them. She threw her arms around Zayn’s neck and Louis covered his laugh as Zayn immediately blushed. “I’m so glad you made it!”

“Uh, thanks me too,” said Zayn, tentatively placing his hands on her shoulders. He shot Louis a “help” look but Louis just grinned and started moving away. Zayn’s eyes widened. 

Gigi pulled back and grinned at Zayn. He smiled back shyly. _ Ah young love _. 

Louis got out of there before he could gag. 

Luckily for him, the bar wasn’t too crowded. He ordered a drink and exchanged small talk with the bartender who complimented Louis’ tattoos. 

Then he headed back to the table where he was promptly met by the sight of Zayn snogging Gigi very passionately against the booth table. He smirked and approached the girls Gigi had been talking to earlier- her friends. 

“You must be Louis,” said one of the blondes as he approached. She stuck out hand, “Cara.” 

Louis grinned and shook it with his free hand, “Nice to meet ya.”

Zayn was right, Gigi’s friends were nice. Cara was also a teacher so they had lots to chat about and Taylor was actually a pretty big singer. Louis had been shocked but also happy to hear that he owned and loved some of her songs. It was honestly a little surreal. 

Gigi’s younger sister Bella was also there and she and Louis spent quite a bit of time making fun of Zayn and Gigi once they finally stopped making out. It was nice. Louis was actually having fun. 

“Where’s Sara?” asked Gigi, frowning. Louis followed her gaze. He had actually met Sara. She was a Portuguese model and she was there on the Bring A Friend art class Zayn dragged him to a few weeks ago. She and him bonded over their lack of art skills and spent most of the class laughing at each other’s attempts at painting sunsets while Gigi and Zayn not so subtly gazed at each other. 

“I dunno, but she did say she wanted to get laid today so,” said Taylor, waggling her eyebrows. The movement was very reminiscent to Niall which felt like a punch to the gut. He hadn’t seen Niall in ages but he always made going out fun. 

“Okay but the real question is why aren’t all of us drunk?” asked Cara and after everyone collectively cheered, Gigi ordered a round of shots.

Louis felt loose and warm which was probably the only reason he was brave enough to accept Cara and Taylor’s invitation to dance. He followed them to the dance floor and they weaved through the people until they were in the heart of the crowd. Louis was sweating and there were so many people but for the first time in months, he was thinking that he could do it. He could have fun and party without feeling guilty and wrong. 

So he danced. 

He danced and cheered on Cara’s drunk attempts at a moonwalk which ended in her tripping and falling into a grinding couple. Louis and Taylor cackled as she apologized profusely. 

“Oh shit!” said Taylor suddenly, slapping Louis’ arm. “I found Sara.” 

Cara followed her line of sight and gasped, “Ooo, maybe she _ is _ getting laid.” Louis looked around, curious. 

“I wouldn’t mind sleeping with that guy, he’s hot as fuck,” said Taylor appreciatively. Now Louis was even more curious. He strained his neck to peer over Cara’s shoulder, a difficult task since Cara was wearing ridiculously tall heels. 

He opened his mouth to ask “Where?” but the words died on his lips, eyes latching onto the couple. He recognized Sara easily but he also immediately recognized the guy she was currently making out with furiously. 

He froze. 

“Shit. No way, I think that’s Harry Styles,” whispered Taylor, sounding impressed. “I saw one of his gigs two months ago, he’s got talent.”

“Apparently in more areas than one,” said Cara slyly. 

Louis was going to puke. He needed to look away now but he couldn’t. His eyes were glued on Sara and Harry- his Harry. They were making out passionately on the dance floor. She had her arms around his neck and her fingers were tangled in his long curls. Harry was turned away from Louis’ view but he could see him well enough. Black jeans. White shirt. Long silky hair. His arms were wrapped around Sara’s small waist and he had one hand on her… Bile rose in his throat and he stumbled back, eyes filling with tears. 

“Louis? Are you okay?” asked Taylor, looking at him in concern. 

He somehow managed to nod, “I’m going to… bathroom.” Then he ran. 

Or, he tried to run as best as he could in a crowd like this. He dodged and weaved around dancing people, all of them happy and feeling free. Louis didn’t though. He was trapped. And utterly mortified. Taylor and Cara were probably discussing what a weirdo he was. 

He shoved past a drunk girl who was talking out loud to no one and bolted into the bathroom, locking himself in a stall and falling to his knees immediately. He vomited, tears still streaming down his face. 

It had been eight months. He shouldn’t react this way after eight months. But the truth was, Louis was no closer to getting over Harry now than he was in January. 

It appeared that Harry did not have the same issue. 

He leaned back against the stall door. He felt exposed and pathetic. He just threw up because he saw his ex making out with a girl- a very nice and funny girl whom he couldn’t find any reason to hate which made things much harder. 

Sara- gorgeous, funny, kind, and best of all- a perfect fit in the world of stardom and celebrities that Harry had been finding his way into. It shouldn’t have been a shock, yet it was. 

In all his dreaming and pining, never did he think he would see Harry for the first time in months like this. And never in a million years did he ever expect to see him with someone he had already met and enjoyed the company of. Someone he knew- which meant he knew they’d be a good fit together. 

Maybe it was a good thing, he told himself. It was proof he was right. Harry deserved someone better- someone who fit in with his new world. Someone like Sara Sampaio, successful and beautiful model. That had been the whole reason he had the courage to leave him- the knowledge that he was freeing Harry to find someone who could be his equal in the way Louis couldn’t. 

This was good. 

He repeated it to himself but it didn’t stop his tears or the crushing feeling inside his chest. He was hurt. He hadn’t expected Harry to move on this quickly. Even if it had been 8 months, Louis was still sleeping in Harry’s clothes and watching their favorite movies, and drowning in the memories of their relationship. 

_ It’s proof that I wasn’t right for him. It’s proof I wasn’t meant to be with him. It’s proof that I didn’t mean as much to him as he did to me. _The last one was the one that got to him the most, tore at his heartstrings and punctured any remaining hope. 

It only took eight months for Harry to forget him. 

Maybe he should be grateful that it wasn’t Malcolm Harry had moved on to. 

Maybe he should move on from Harry and try to pull. 

The thought was dashed as soon as it came into his head. No way. He couldn’t do that. The thought of kissing lips that weren’t Harry’s. Sleeping with someone who wasn’t Harry- it made him feel nauseous again and he really didn’t want to throw up a second time. 

“This is what you wanted,” he whispered to himself, almost like a scolding. He was staring dazedly at the compass on his arm. The compass that he had gotten with Harry when he got his ship. “A compass to lead my ship to shore. Because you always bring me _ home _,” Harry had said, dimples popping.

Home wasn’t with Louis anymore. 

-

**August 2017**

“Are you sure you’re up for this?” asked Zayn. 

Louis stared at his reflection in the mirror. He had definitely lost weight in the past few months, he knew that, but seeing the way his black jeans were no longer as tight as they once were was still a shock. He was also wearing a maroon scoop neck top that showed off his collar bones because Zayn told him to. A jacket on top because Zayn had told him to get rid of the bandage (“You itch it all the time, just take it off’) and he didn’t want to deal with any pity thrown his way (the thought of Niall and Harry seeing his scars and looking at him a certain way terrified him). His hair was mussed and his vans were nearby, ready for him to slide on. “Yes I’m sure,” said Louis. “As long as you promise not to make out with Liam the whole time.”

Zayn smirked, “As much as I love that idea, I promise.”

Louis studied his reflection. He never really looked in the mirror anymore but today seemed to be unavoidable. He needed to look nice. Except he hated looking at himself because all he could focus on was the dark bags underneath his eyes and the gauntness of his skin and how his face was way more angular than it used to me- and not in an attractive way. He caught Zayn’s eye, “Do I look okay?”

Zayn fixed him with an unimpressed stare, “Are you serious? Louis, you look amazing.”

Louis rolled his eyes and huffed, “Honestly?”

“Yes, of course,” said Zayn. “In all your years of knowing me have I ever sugarcoated my true opinions?” 

No. The answer was no, which is why it always flustered Louis when Zayn complimented him- it meant he was telling the truth and that was almost unfathomable to accept at times. “Okay,” he said, giving in. “Let’s go.”

Zayn opened his arms and Louis fell into them easily. “I’ve got your back,” he said. 

“I know,” said Louis, closing his eyes momentarily. He was going to see Harry and Niall in less than fifteen minutes. It was terrifying but he had managed to ignore it for the most part. 

As if reading his mind, Zayn said, “Don’t worry. He said he was going to be civil, yeah? You don’t have to talk to him if it’s just going to stress you out.”

Louis nodded, “I want him so bad Z.”

“I know babe,” said Zayn, sympathetic. “I’m so sorry.”

Louis didn’t respond, what could he even say? Nothing would change the inevitable fact that Harry didn’t love him back anymore. 

“Next time you can invite Danielle to keep you company, or even Cal if he’s in town,” said Zayn. “And of course, you’ll always have me.”

He said it so confidently. Louis will always have Zayn. He hadn’t used to believe him when he said things like that even though Zayn was always honest- he had thought Zayn was clearly being optimistic, but recently, Louis had begun to see that Zayn spoke the truth. Zayn had been there for him through the darkest times in Louis’ life and he stayed. He had seen Louis at his worst and at his most broken and he still stayed. 

He loved Zayn so much. He decided that he needed to tell him that more often, “I love you a lot Z.”

“I love you more Lou,” said Zayn, squeezing him gently. “Actually… Here, I have something for you.” Louis pulled back, confused before Zayn pulled out two familiar bracelets from his jacket pocket. 

Louis gasped, “No way, I thought I lost mine.”

“Oh, you did,” said Zayn, smirking. “I found it though and I have mine too.” He gave Louis his bracelet- blue and red exactly like Zayn’s except for the middle black bead with the white ‘L’ on it (Zayn’s had a ‘Z’ of course). 

With Zayn’s help, the friendship bracelet is tied around his wrist. “Do you remember when we got these?” asked Louis softly. 

“Duh,” said Zayn. “Leeds 2016, never forget.” It was written on the bracelet but Louis appreciated the solemn look on Zayn’s face. 

Louis smiled. That had been three of the happiest days of his life. “I honestly thought I lost this forever.”

“No shit,” said Zayn. “But I want you to wear it Louis, as a reminder of our friendship.” 

Louis could tell him that he didn’t need to be reminded of their friendship- could reassure Zayn that he never needed to be reminded, that he knew. But he didn’t. He knew what Zayn meant. This was proof of everything they went through. “Thanks Z.” 

“No problem, now help me tie mine,” said Zayn, looking pleased. Louis tied it carefully. “Let’s go, we don’t want to be late.”

They went. 

-

“Zayn said they’re outside,” said Liam, checking his phone. He looked at all of them before focusing his gaze on Harry, “I hope everyone _ behaves.” _

Harry scowled, “I will, thank you very much. I told you, we’ve come to an agreement.”

Liam looked unconvinced but he nodded. “I’m going to go make sure they find us.” And then he was gone, leaving Harry and Niall alone.

“H,” said Niall. 

Harry groaned. He had been avoiding Niall as much as possible, or at least as much as he could since Niall’s bedroom was still next door and they still had to eat breakfast together. 

Niall had been suspiciously agreeable with this avoiding plot, spending a lot more time at Barbara’s apartment and not trying to get Harry to talk to him like he had been doing nonstop in the beginning. It had been weird, going from talking to Niall all the time and hanging out as much as their schedules allowed, to awkwardly passing each other in the hallway, trying not to make eye contact. Harry hated it. 

But Niall seemed to be done with letting Harry ignore him. The pub was crowded and Harry could get up right then and disappear. Find someone to distract him. Run away. But he didn’t. He promised Liam after all. 

“What?” asked Harry, already giving in. Niall was his best friend after all. 

“I’m sorry, okay?” said Niall. “I should’ve told you, but I didn’t want you to freak out. This is kind of surreal.”

“No shit,” muttered Harry. “And for the record, there’s not going to be an issue. Like I just told Liam, we’ve come to an agreement.”

Niall shook his head, “Whatever you say Haz, but remember I’m your best friend and I know you.” 

“Don’t call me that,” grumbled Harry. So much for a fun night out. “And best friends don’t do-”

“Hey guys,” said Zayn. Zayn and Louis. Harry and Niall fell silent. Harry stared at the table, catching only a small glimpse of Louis. The small blur of his soft, messy hair and bright blue eyes were burning in his eyes. 

This was going to be a long night. 

-

Louis was finally starting to relax. He thought things were going to be awkward but the conversation was flowing easily between him, Zayn, Liam, and Niall- who had been acting like nothing had ever happened between the two of them. It was comforting and also really nice, because Louis had missed Niall’s presence in his life.

Harry however was mostly silent. In fact, he had brought out his phone and was now furiously texting someone. It should’ve been a relief to Louis- no awkward looks or small talk, but instead it just felt like a dismissal. Like he was showing that he didn’t want to bother talking to Louis at all now that they had agreed to keep the past in the past. 

It hurt. 

But at least he was alone. It had struck Louis as they entered the bar when Zayn asked Liam if Barbara was there (it was also a bit of a surprise but a happy one to hear that Niall was still dating the girl) and Liam said “Not today.” He realized Harry could be dating someone. Worse, that Harry could be dating someone who was there tonight. 

It was a big jump, but as soon as he thought it, it was stuck in his brain. Zayn had to drag him to the table where he almost sighed with relief to see Harry by himself. 

He didn’t have to deal with boyfriend Harry… yet. 

The promise of confronting that in the future made him nauseous, but there was nothing he could do. One day Harry _ would _find someone. Someone he’d kiss and make love to. Someone he’d cook for and write songs about and who he’d want to spend every waking hour with every single day of every week of every year. Someone who made him honk out abruptly in laughter. Someone who he’d gaze at fondly and someone he’d spoil and fawn over. 

Someone who he’d adore more than he adored Louis. And he had once adored Louis a whole lot. 

_ This is not the time to cry. _

So he teased Liam and even joked with Niall, all the while being grounded by Zayn’s gentle hand on his shoulder. Who knew a simple touch could bring so much peace?

Or maybe Louis was seriously deprived of human contact. The latter was more likely. 

“Hey babe,” said Liam shyly. “Do you maybe wanna dance?”

Zayn looked uncertain but upon seeing Liam’s eager face, he seemed to change his mind. “Alright, only for a few songs.” 

Liam grinned and Louis hid a smile by taking a sip of his beer. He had been prepared with excuses in his lips before being shocked when Zayn had passed him a beer with a discreet nod. He was almost afraid to drink since it had been so long- eight months about. 

Zayn and Liam left and then Niall cleared his throat, “I’m going to the restroom, I’ll get us another round on the way back, cheers.” He flashed Louis a smile and then left. 

It took Louis a second to realize what just happened. 

Zayn, Liam, and Niall were gone. Leaving Louis alone with Harry… His heart started pounding. Fuck fuck fuck. 

He glanced at the man hesitantly, freezing as Harry looked up from his phone, “What the hell.”

Louis didn’t say anything, didn’t dare open his mouth. Harry looked irritated. 

“He did this on purpose,” he grumbled. Louis winced. Obviously he wouldn’t be glad about being left alone with his ex but the reminder was still harsh. 

For a minute there was just silence. Harry didn’t seem to go back to his phone which was potentially a good sign. Louis fidgeted with his jacket. Even though he was always cold, he was feeling a little sweaty underneath the warm fabric. The bold lights of the pub seemed much harsher than before all of sudden too. 

“So,” said Harry after a moment. “How are you?”

Louis stared at him. Was he… was he actually trying to talk to him? Hope fluttered in his chest and his heart beat faster. 

“Um, good,” said Louis, internally wincing because it could be farther from the truth. “How about you?”

“Good,” said Harry after a weighty pause. “Um, you’re still teaching right?”

Louis nodded before shaking his head, “Well yes, but not currently. I’m on a break for this coming semester.”

Harry raised an eyebrow but didn’t pry. Maybe he could sense the flighty panic in his Louis’ response and in the way he curled into himself. “Interesting. So Zayn’s the only one working?”

Louis winced and Harry’s eyes widened. “Not to mean… Shit, I swear I didn’t mean it like that.” He clasped his ring adorned fingers and slumped. “I didn’t mean to be a dick.”

“It’s okay,” said Louis quietly. He knew what it looked like. Zayn was the one providing for them, paying most of the rent and making the income. Louis had savings which he tried to use to pay his due share but Zayn brushed it off, telling him he needed those savings. He was only paying about a fourth of the rent and it made him feel like shit. “It’s temporary,” he said after a moment, more of a reassurance to himself rather than Harry. 

Harry ran a hand through his hair and Louis tried not to follow the movement. Everything felt new- his big hands, his soft curls, and his green eyes… it was almost too much to bear. “I’m sure it is,” he said, nearly insisting it. “I didn’t mean to sound judgemental, I swear.” He looked so genuinely eager for Louis to understand.

Louis nodded to show that he did which seemed to appease Harry. He cleared his throat, wondering how long Niall was going to force this to go along. “So are you working on an album?”  
Peculiarly enough, Harry seemed to shut down a bit with the question. “Uh, yeah, working on it.” He didn’t elaborate. 

Louis tried to think of something else to ask, not ready to let this opportunity to talk to Harry fly by, but when he glanced at him, he was frowning, eyes fixed on a point behind Louis. He tried to turn to see what he was staring at but then a hand clamped over his shoulder. He flinched. 

His first thought was Zayn but Zayn never grabbed his shoulder this hard. 

“Hey gorgeous,” slurred an unfamiliar voice. Louis turned to see a very tipsy man, blonde shaggy hair and leering brown eyes greedily looking over his body. What the fuck? 

“Um,” he said, scooting away nervously. He was swaying dangerously, leaning into the booth, looking close to tipping over and collapsing onto Louis. 

“Wanna dance?” he asked. At the last consonant of the word “dance”, a glob of spit was released from his mouth, hitting the table. Louis shuddered. 

“No thanks,” said Louis, scooting farther away, but the hand pulled him back. 

“Oh, don’t be dull,” said the guy, tightening his grip and leaning close enough for Louis to catch the putrid and strong smell of alcohol from his mouth. “Just one dance and I bet I can change your mind.” He leered at him. 

“Yeah, no thanks,” said Louis, a bit more forcefully. He pried the stranger’s fingers from his shoulder and winced as he immediately grabbed onto Louis’ hand instead and squeezed hard. “Let go," he said. 

“Aw baby don’t be like that,” he replied, not letting go. Louis opened his mouth to tell him off but was interrupted by Harry. 

“He said no, asshole,” said Harry forcefully and when Louis looked over he was glaring heatedly. “You aren’t so drunk that you can’t comprehend basic English. Now fuck off before we call security.” 

The stranger let go of Louis finally. He winced as the feeling came back into his numb fingers. He hadn’t realized how harsh his grip was until he let go. 

“Alright jeez, you’re not that hot anyway,” he grumbled. Louis froze. It shouldn’t have mattered. The guy was an asshole and incredibly drunk and probably couldn’t even see Louis properly enough to make an accurate judgement. It still stung. 

“Asshole,” said Harry as the stranger stumbled away. His eyes met Louis’ and he seemed almost concerned for a second, an intensity in his green eyes. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. Thanks though,” said Louis, feeling uncomfortable. He couldn’t believe that just happened. Or that Harry actually defended him. 

Okay that wasn’t fair. Of course Harry defended him. He was kind and a decent human being. Louis should not let the gesture give him butterflies but he felt fluttery nonetheless. He was not going to survive this night. 

“Everything okay?” asked Niall out of nowhere. Louis almost cried out in relief. Niall was back from the “bathroom”. He was also staring at Louis which meant he noticed the prior fiasco. “Y’alright?”

He nodded. 

“Where’s the drinks?” asked Harry with an edge to his voice. Louis looked between them, quietly noticing the palpable tension. It was strange. Harry and Niall had never fought or argued (other than meaningless banter) in all Louis’ time of knowing both of them. Louis didn’t even think Niall was capable of pissing anyone off but Harry looked pretty pissed off right then. 

“Oops,” said Niall, meeting Harry’s gaze straight on. _Hi, _thinks Louis, before wincing. Pathetic. 

He tried not to itch his ‘oops’ tattoo and instead cleared his throat, “I’ll get the drinks.” 

“Thanks Louis,” said Niall, shooting him an easy grin. Harry was still glaring, but not at Louis which was nice. 

“Okay then,” said Louis awkwardly. He walked away, hoping everything would work out between the two of them. It was too weird seeing them like that. Too weird. 

-

Harry was screwed. 

He had thought everything was going fine at first before Liam and Zayn disappeared to go dance and snog like a couple of teenagers and Niall ditched them in some cruel plot to make him and Louis talk. Harry really wanted to yell at him. 

Especially because he was alone at a booth with Louis looking like he did. Soft, mussed hair, bright blue eyes, and his collarbones out and a flash of his chest tattoo peeking out from above his shirt. Beautiful. Harry was screwed and he hadn’t even gotten a good look of him in those jeans yet. It was attraction. He knew it. It made sense. Louis was exactly his type and they dated for so long and Harry knew what he looked like naked so obviously he was affected, but it was just because he was familiar.

Not because of anything else. 

God, he was so screwed. 

Somehow, he managed to stay calm and have a normal conversation with him. He had been surprised by how easy it was after weeks of anticipating awkwardness and hidden resentment but Louis seemed indifferent to him. 

And then there was that moment where Louis had looked insecure of all things after that random dickhead insulted his looks (which what the fuck?) He was devastatingly drunk and obviously trying to rebuild his pride so he tried to feel better about his own sorry ass by blatantly _ lying _ but Louis had looked like he _ believed _ him- and that was the strangest and most heart-wrenching thing Harry had ever seen. And in that moment he had wanted to punch that guy, right in the jaw or nose, and Harry never wanted to punch anyone _ ever _. 

And the fact that the asshole had tried to pull Louis in front of him gave Harry an overwhelming prickling feeling in his chest and a tightening in his jaw. He didn’t know where it came from- that irrational, red vision _ jealousy _he had suddenly experienced so intensely that he wanted to stand up and sit down right next to Louis. Which was stupid. 

Harry knew he was pathetic when he was jealous, he just didn’t know _ why _he was jealous in the first place. Or maybe he wasn’t, he was just mad at the audacity of that dickhead to grab a random stranger and then have the nerve to ignore their obvious refusal and continue their propositioning. That was it. 

Not because the thought of Louis dancingkissingdating any other guy ignited anger within him. No. Because obviously Louis would be dancingkissingdating people. He had the right to. He was young, beautiful, funny, charming, and kind and obviously people would want him and obviously he’d want one of them too and obviously they’d date and obviously one day he’d get married to someone-

“H, mate, are you okay?” Harry snapped back to reality, catching Liam’s confused gaze. 

“Yeah, of course,” said Harry quickly, maybe a little too quickly. _Wanna dance? Aw baby, don't be like that. _

“You sure? You were just glaring at your shoes,” said Liam skeptically. 

Harry glanced down at his boots before looking back up. He forced a smile, “Just thinking.”

“Okayyy,” said Liam. They were standing out front, with nothing but the noisy and crowded pub behind them and the wide, open, empty streets in front of them. 

Zayn, Niall, and Louis were standing a little ways away, laughing about something. Harry didn’t know how he felt about Niall and Louis easily getting along. Once Zayn and Liam had returned with swollen lips and messed up hair, they set up beer pong which Harry passed on. Zayn and Louis versus Liam and Niall. The former completely destroyed the latter though Liam and Niall gave it their all. Then Zayn and Liam went against Niall and Louis and it was a close game but Zayn and Liam won by a hair since Niall got so drunk, he tripped and his shot veered too far left. This led to Niall dramatically falling to his knees and cursing the universe while Louis berated him jokingly. 

Jokingly. They were joking together. They were acting like friends. Easy peasy, just like that, only one night and ‘Neil’ and ‘Lewis’ were back like nothing had ever happened. 

Harry wasn’t bitter, he _ wasn’t. _

After another minute, the others wandered over and Zayn and Liam hugged tightly before kissing chastely. “This was a lot of fun guys, thanks for inviting us out,” said Zayn. “We should do it again sometime.”

“Harry has a gig in two weeks,” said Niall which… what the fuck! He didn’t want Louis to come to his gig! Especially when half the songs on his setlist were _ about _him. 

Zayn frowned before giving Harry an apologetic look, “Shit, I’ve been wanting to go to one of your gigs but we’ll be out of town.”

“Out of town?” asked Liam. 

“Yeah, it’s Lou’s sister’s birthday and we’re heading out to Donny,” said Zayn casually. Harry tensed. He knew it immediately. Fizzy. It was Fizzy’s birthday. 

He then realized it was close to four years since the first time he ever went to meet Louis’ family. Four years since he moved into Louis' apartment. Four years since… 

He looked at Louis only to find him already looking back. Harry could see in his eyes that Louis was thinking the same thing. He felt a lump in his stomach and a familiar feeling of regret bubbling up inside him. In that split second he wondered many things: how many times Louis had brought Zayn to his house, how Louis’ sisters were, how the young twins who had not even been 1 years old when everything fell apart were, he wondered how much he had missed, and most of all he wondered if everything had to end like it did. 

No. He couldn’t go down that road. Never again. Louis broke up with him. Louis hadn’t loved him as much as Harry loved him. That’s it. The end of the story. The end. 

He cleared his throat, “Well have fun on your… trip.” 

“Thanks,” said Zayn. He slid an arm around Louis’ shoulders and Harry couldn’t help but track the movement. “We’ll see you guys soon. I’ll text you later Li.”

“Okay love,” said Liam, looking dopey. “Bye Z. Bye Lou.”

“Bye guys,” said Louis softly. He was leaning into Zayn and no, that didn’t do anything to Harry. Don’t be ridiculous. 

“Bye lads,” said Niall happily. “See ya soon.”

“Yeah bye,” said Harry quickly. It was over. He was free. He didn’t have to see Louis’ golden tanned skin and gorgeous blue eyes and he didn’t have to fight the urge to talk to him about things he shouldn’t be talking about after all this time. 

He was so so screwed. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hopefully you've gotten the idea that Harry is more affected by this than it seems. I didn't want to rush it but also, Harry is always going to be drawn to Louis no matter what so it's not that big of a deal- they're soulmates :) 
> 
> Also I wanted Nouis back so I kind of sped that up. Lots of fun stuff is coming soon. Just wait until the truth starts coming out. You guys are NOT ready. 
> 
> I don't even know who reads all these notes, but I like writing them even if I ramble a ton. If you're reading this, I appreciate you. Have a good day and stay tuned. Next chapter will be up by next Wednesday at the LATEST. I may have it done earlier :)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is definitely a filler but big things are coming for the next one so stay tuned for that. I'm also going to let you know that the next chapter might be up a little late since I have finals and I'm stressed out of my mind. This chapter was almost late too but I forced myself to sit down and finish it tonight. I hope everyone enjoys regardless. 
> 
> Also, sorry but Malcolm is unfortunately back :(

**August 2017**

“Louis, where’s the remote?!” yelled a very panicked Zayn. 

Louis rolled his eyes, “Why would I know!?”

“Because you spent all of yesterday watching Queer Eye without me and texting Fizzy your reactions,” yelled Zayn. “Even though you promised we’d watch it together!” Oops. Zayn was right about that but Louis just couldn’t resist. “Where the fuck did you leave it? They’ll be here in five minutes!”

“I don’t know!” replied Louis, exasperated. He entered the living room where Zayn was digging through random shit on their messy table. “Jesus, I didn’t realize how bad it was.”

Zayn shot him a look, “We’re never putting anything on this table again.” Then he started grabbing stuff, “I’m putting this in your room!”

“What the fuck!?” complained Louis but Zayn was already making runs to his room to dump stuff. He followed his friend, pouting petulantly. “This is ridiculous.”

“Shut up, this is going to be fun,” said Zayn, clenching his fists and looking around nervously. “You ordered the pizza?”

“Yeah,” said Louis, deciding to be a good person and assist Zayn in carrying all their junk and dumping it in his empty room. “Jesus christ, who knew it’d be a bad idea for two messy-as-fuck people to move in together?”

“Yeah, not like we’re best mates or anything- it’s all about being organizationally compatible,” mocked Zayn. 

Louis grinned, dropping another load onto his now filled bed. It was weird seeing so much stuff in his usually bare room. “Obviously.” 

Zayn opened his mouth to comment but got distracted and let out a relieved sigh, “Shit, there’s the remote!” He grabbed it from underneath a canvas which he picked up right after, studying it thoughtfully. “I never finished this landscape, but now that I’m looking at it, it’s not as shitty as I thought.”

“Literally nothing you’ve ever done is shitty, but okay,” said Louis, rolling his eyes again. He crossed his arms and that’s when it hit him. His arms were bare!

And of course that’s when the doorbell rang. 

“Fuck,” cursed Zayn. He shoved the canvas at Louis as well as an assortment of other coffee-table-things: a set of watercolors, a broken charger, one of Louis’ jackets, a peculiar hat that Louis had never seen before, a pack of cigarettes, and a giant scented candle that Calvin had given Louis on his birthday two years ago mostly as a joke because it smelled like new car- a smell Louis was weirdly into- don’t judge!

“My arms,” hissed Louis, scrambling to keep hold of all the items. 

Zayn shrugged off the Sally’s sweatshirt he was wearing and tossed onto Louis’ precarious pile, tipping it dangerously. Louis glared at him. “Put it on and hide the shit,” was Zayn’s wide-eyed reply. “I’ll get the door.”

On cue, the doorbell rang again. 

Louis glared at Zayn again before rushing to his room, nearly tripping over the pair of duck slippers that Zayn had dropped there a few minutes ago- a gift from his sister and another joke. Now that he thought about it, they had a lot of random shit given to one of both of them as stupid jokes. Were he and Zayn “those friends”- the ones you gave crappy gifts as jokes? A thought for another time. 

He slid on the sweatshirt and smoothed out his hair, just in time since voices carried over from the living room. He took a deep breath. A lad’s night with Liam, Niall, and Harry- pizza, a movie, and drinks. No big deal, right? 

“Hey Louis,” said Niall immediately as he stepped into the living room. Louis smiled at him and Niall beamed back. 

“Hey guys,” said Louis. 

Liam and Zayn were holding hands and whispering to each other like the lovebirds they were. Niall rolled his eyes and gestured to them like, _ Ugh, look at them. _And Harry. He was wearing a worn-out Fleetwood Mac shirt and basketball shorts- comfort clothes except he still looked as handsome as ever. Harry looked up at him and their eyes met. Blue met green. They both looked away. Louis shivered. 

“What movie are we watching?” asked Niall, plopping down onto one of their armchairs. 

“We haven’t picked one out specially, we wanted to wait till you guys came to decide,” said Zayn, handing the remote to an eager Niall. “We have DVDs too.” 

Niall followed Zayn to their DVD cabinet and clapped his hands together, “Okay mates, what’re we in the mood for? Marvel? DC? Romcom?”

“That’s 90% of our movies,” admitted Zayn. “I want an action movie.”

"Romcom,” said Harry immediately, making Louis jump. He hadn’t expected him to chime in and now he felt nervous and fluttery. And it had been less than five minutes. 

“Vote?” suggested Liam. They voted. Louis and Niall also picked rom-com which brought Louis back to years before when the three of them would stay up and marathon Harry’s romcom collection until the early hours of the morning. He shuddered. 

Liam and Zayn pouted but since romcom won, they got to pick the actual movie. They picked Notting Hill which surprised Louis, having watched it with Zayn before and having to endure his complaints and eyerolls throughout the whole movie. However when Liam said it was one of his favorites, Louis immediately understood. Zayn was gone for this boy, he realized. It didn’t make him as sad as it used to. 

Louis also didn’t have to see Harry’s reaction to their choice to know he was pleased. Harry loved that movie. Louis did his best to block out memories of him sitting on Harry’s lap, Harry squeezing him around the middle and whispering into Louis’ ear, “I’m just a boy standing in front of another boy, asking him to love me.” 

If only it were that simple. 

They took their seats. Louis joining Zayn and Liam on the couch while Niall and Harry got the armchairs. Louis pulled his legs onto the seat cushion, wrapping his arms around them and hooking his chin over his knees. Zayn patted his shoulder before leaning back to rest his head on Liam’s shoulder. Liam pressed an almost absent-minded kiss on Zayn’s temple before un-pausing the movie. The casual tenderness of the display tore at Louis’ heartstrings. 

The doorbell rang fifteen minutes into the movie and Louis jumped at the opportunity, “I’ll get it.” 

“Thanks Lou,”called Zayn as Louis rushed to the foyer. His heart was racing and he felt overheated- jesus fucking christ. He opened the door, fumbling with his wallet. 

“Mr. Tomlinson?” 

Louis froze, looking up. Staring back at him and holding two pizza boxes was Abby Walters, one of his former students. 

“Oh shit, Abby!” said Louis stunned. He froze as he realized he just cursed in front of said former student. Whoops. 

Abby smirked, “Lucky thing we’re not in school right now Mr. T, not that it would have stopped you anyway.” Louis grinned, not bothered with the very accurate tease- it was true he had accidentally cursed in class way too many times. Thankfully, none of his students ratted him out. 

“What a nice surprise, how are you Walters?” asked Louis, leaning against the doorframe. “You’re on break, yeah? How’s LAMDA?” LAMDA. London Academy of Music and Dramatic Arts, aka one of the best acting schools in the entire country. Louis had been so proud when Abby had showed up at his classroom early morning, tears streaming down her face, chanting, “I got in, I got in, I got in!” 

Abby perked up at the mention of her school, “It’s absolutely incredible! I’m so lucky that I get to go to school there and I love every minute of it. It’s challenging but in a good way. I’m learning so much,” she gushed. 

“I bet,” said Louis, smiling fondly. “And what are you up to this summer? Just hanging around?”

“I’m taking some summer classes, staying with a friend who has a flat nearby,” said Abby. “It’s been nice. What about you Mr. T?”

Louis shrugged, “Oh you know, causing mayhem and cruising through adulthood as always. It’s good to see you though.”  
“Definitely,” said Abby. “I know I’ve said it a million times but I would never be where I am today if it wasn’t for you.”

Louis’ heart filled with warmth. “Aw Abby, I appreciate that but you got where you were because you’re fucking talented.” He emphasized “fucking” just to see Abby roll her eyes. It was true though, she was one of the most talented students Louis had ever taught and he had no doubt he’d be seeing her in big-name movies in the near future. And he’d be first in line to see it when it came out, probably with Zayn. They’d love it and Louis would feel pride in his former student for coming so far. He’d turn to Zayn and say, “This is why I became a teacher. This is why.” 

Abby was shaking her head, “I never would have even considered going into drama if it wasn’t for you. You changed my life Mr. T, and I’ll never forget it. Because of you I found a second home, a home in the theater, acting and pouring my heart out to give other people joy. You gave me that and I will always be grateful.” 

Louis was speechless. “Well jesus, I honestly don’t know how to respond to that.” 

“You don’t have to,” said Abby. “Just promise me you’ll never stop teaching. My sister, she’s going into 11th year, told me you were on a leave of absence at school- I hope everything’s alright, but I also hope you come back as soon as possible. My sister is dying to have you next year and I know there’s plenty of other kids who need a Tomlinson intervention.” 

Louis cracked a smile. He felt amazed. He knew he had students that loved and respected him but it was different to see them years later, having moved on from 6th form and well into their own university lives but still speaking praisingly about his class and the impact he had on them. “I’ll be back soon,” he said honestly. “I promise.” 

He meant it. 

“Can I have a cuddle?” asked Abby, quoting a common Louis phrase. Louis did his best to oblige with the two pizza boxes in their way. 

“Jesus, I’m a crappy teacher. I just let you stand there holding those boxes for the past five minutes. Why didn’t you say something Walters!” Abby laughed as Louis finally took the boxes from her. He paid her (leaving behind a hefty tip, well deserved.) “Well I hope your second year goes just as wonderfully. It was really great to see you Abby.”

“You too Mr. T,” said Abby. 

“Don’t forget me when you become a star,” teased Louis, hand on the door. 

“Never,” said Abby very solemnly. “Thanks for everything Mr. T.”

“Thanks for the pizza,” said Louis, smiling. 

After a final goodbye, Louis finally closed the door and turned to lean back on it, closing his eyes. He felt light in a way he thought he never would again. 

One thing was for sure, in 4 and a half months when the next semester started, Louis would be there at the front of the classroom teaching a room full of bright-eyed little shits with a whole lot of potential. He smiled. 

“Everything okay?” asked a voice. Louis jumped, swearing. 

He opened his eyes. Niall was staring at him, a little smile on his face. “What the fuck Niall? How long have you been standing there?”  
“Not long,” said Niall casually. “Just checking what was taking so long.”

Louis held up the boxes awkwardly, “Pizza’s here now.”

“I see that,” said Niall, chuckling. “That was pretty cool yeah? Seeing one of your former students and seeing what an impact you’ve had on their lives?”

“Yeah,” said Louis quietly, contemplatively. “Definitely.”

Niall didn’t say anything else, but he took one of the boxes (which weren’t heavy but it was still nice) and helped Louis carry them to the living room. “Thanks,” said Louis. 

“No problem Louis,” said Niall. “Or should I say Zayn?” 

Louis blinked, “Huh?” 

Niall nodded to his sweatshirt. Louis looked down, narrowing in on the name embroidered on his chest over his heart: Zayn. “Oh.” 

They set the pizzas down on the table in the kitchen. “Pizza’s here!” yelled Niall as they entered the living room again. 

“Thanks for the announcement,” said Liam dryly. 

Zayn shot him an inquiring look. Louis just smiled back at him. He was very happy, and not even Harry’s presence was breaking through the golden aura he was floating in. 

He thought about how almost a month ago he had been convinced that no one would be worse off if he was gone. That they’d all be better off in comparison. Seeing Abby today made him realize that his perception had been changed. 

Abby wouldn’t have been better off if Louis hadn’t been her teacher- or at least that’s what she said. But it wasn’t even just her. Zayn would be heartbroken if he was gone- Louis knew that. Not to mention he might never have met Liam if not for Louis (when Louis heard the story in full, he had nagged Zayn to promise that they’d credit him for getting them together at their wedding). His sisters and brother would be heartbroken if he was gone. So would his dad and Dan. And Calvin. And Olli and Stan. And Perrie and Dani and Annie. 

Louis smiled as Niall burst out into uncontrollable laughter, face turning red as he guffawed. Niall’s laugh was still one of the best sounds in the world. He thought maybe Niall would be sad if he was gone too. Especially now that reigniting their friendship seemed to be in the cards for them. 

He glanced at where Harry was eating a slice of pizza, tongue obscenely sticking out before he took a bite and swallowing, adam’s apple bobbing… 

Maybe it wasn’t too much to say that Harry would at least be upset if he was gone… 

Harry looked up and their eyes met. Louis’ face burned. 

Because oh right, he was still in love with his ex and the flatmate to his best friend’s boyfriend and that was still a major complication in his life even if it had slipped his mind for the past ten minutes. 

Back to reality. 

-

“Hey H,” said Malcolm, grinning at him. Harry smiled back as Malcolm took a seat across from him at their usual table at their usual cafe. Malcolm was impeccably dressed for the summertime in a matching shirt and shorts outfit from Burberry- compliments of a modelling gig. “It’s been _ ages _.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” said Harry, grimacing. “Life’s been… a little crazy.”

Malcolm raised an eyebrow, “Oh? Any gossip?”

_ Oh nothing, just that Liam’s boyfriend’s flatmate is Louis fucking Tomlinson and I have to act like a normal human being around him. _

“Uh, not really,” he said absently. “What’s new with you?” 

“I’ve been a busy bee too, been having a lot of shoots. ‘M having another one tomorrow,” said Malcolm, rolling his eyes. “With _ Kendall.” _

There it is again. What the fuck did Kendall do anyway wondered Harry. “Rough,” was what he actually said, sympathy leaking out of his voice. “Listen… Actually, there has been a development in my life…” He took a sip of the lemonade he had ordered, biting his lip. “I finally met Zayn’s flatmate.” 

“The one Liam wanted to set you up with?” asked Malcolm, voice suddenly irritated and cold. “Is he a prick like I guessed?” 

Harry blinked. “Um.”

Malcolm’s eyes widened, “Fuck you actually like him? Seriously!?”

Harry fidgeted with his rings, “Not exactly. I kind of already know him?”

The look on Malcolm’s face was a mixture of confusion and intrigue, “Who?”

He looked at his plate, ducking his head, before he blurted it out really fast, “Louis.”

For a second there was silence, before it was disrupted with a clatter as a utensil hit the table. Harry winced, looking up. Malcolm was staring at him, mouth dropped open and eyes wide. His hand was still poised as if he were taking a bite. “What the fuck?”

Harry shrugged, feeling a little stupid. 

Malcolm was still staring at him. Harry resisted the urge to squirm. He didn’t know how Malcolm was going to react and it felt like it was all up in the air; unpredictable. “Yeah?” 

He was still staring, before finally he blinked. Mouth shutting. He closed his eyes and lifted his hands. Then he opened his mouth again and _ laughed. _

Harry froze, confused, but Malcolm was still laughing, hand gripping the table to support himself. “That’s fucking hilarious! Good one H, I have to admit you almost had me there.”

Harry chuckled uneasily, “Actually Mal, I wasn’t joking.” He felt almost defensive which was weird. Technically Malcolm's reaction was slightly justified as it was a strange, very unbelievable situation. It still bothered Harry for some reason. 

“What?”

“I wasn’t joking,” he repeated firmly. “Louis is Zayn’s flatmate. I’ve seen him four times in the past few weeks already.” 

Malcolm gaped and Harry sighed. He needed a drink. 

“What the fuck?” said Malcolm after another minute of stunned silence. “What the actual fuck?”

“I know right,” said Harry, dragging his hands through his hair, immediately regretting it because his hair had looked really good that morning. “Unexpected. I mean, what are the chances?” 

“Jesus H, you really have the worst luck,” said Malcolm. “As if you needed that asshole back in your life.” Harry frowned. 

It wasn’t anything new, Malcolm had taken his best-friend-hates-your-ex-more-than-you role very seriously, right from the start. But hearing it now, after Harry had talked to Louis multiple times, was weird. Especially because Louis was everything but an asshole through all of these meetings. 

“I can’t believe this,” continued Malcolm when Harry didn’t respond. “I feel so sorry for you Haz, honestly.” 

Haz? “It’s not that bad,” said Harry honestly. 

Malcolm stared disbelievingly at him, “No need to keep up your be-nice image around me H, you can rant if you want. Trust me, I understand.”

“No, genuinely, it’s not that bad,” insisted Harry. “He’s…” His voice trailed off. 

Malcolm looked skeptical, “He’s what? The dumbass that left you crying for _ months _?”

Harry flinched, jesus christ. “Thanks Mal.”

“No offense,” said Malcolm quickly. “I just mean that you are the victim here. You don’t have to try to make things work especially after how much hurt he caused you.”

Harry sighed, simultaneously grateful and frustrated with Malcolm. “I get that and I appreciate it Mal, but things are really okay. We have an agreement.”

“Agreement?”

“To get along, to start over, pretend like we never dated, the whole bit,” said Harry, frowning since Malcolm had snorted loudly at the “pretend we never dated” part. “What?”

“No offense again Harry, but burying your history _ never _works. It’s just going to be dug up later at a worse time,” said Malcolm. 

“Good thing there’s nothing to dig up,” said Harry easily. 

“Hmm, okay,” said Malcolm, rolling his eyes which Harry chose to ignore that in favor of changing the topic. 

The rest of lunch passed by pretty quickly and then they were hugging goodbye and making plans to go shopping the following weekend. Harry got into his car and tried not to think too hard about what Malcolm said- about everything coming back to bite them in the butt. 

There’s nothing to bite him though, he thought. He was completely over Louis Tomlinson 100%. 

Plus, Louis might be dating someone. 

He frowned as he thought back to the previous evening when he overheard Zayn talking to Louis. He had tapped Louis on the shoulder and asked him, “So are you and Danny going to that play this Wednesday?” 

“Oh yeah,” said Louis. “We’ll be back by 11-ish, Danny’ll give me a ride.” 

“Great,” said Zayn. “Sounds fun.” 

Harry had tuned out then as Niall remarked to him, “Are you trying to crush that glass H, or are you just really excited to drink water?” 

Harry had blinked and lowered his glass, embarrassed. He hadn’t even realized he had been clenching it in his hand. “Shut the fuck up,” had been the only retort he could come up with in his flustered state.

Niall had just raised an eyebrow, smirking like he knew something Harry didn’t. Harry had scowled at him, remembering that they weren’t exactly on good terms. 

Now Harry sat in his car, thinking who the fuck was Danny? Louis’ boyfriend most likely. For some reason, the thought made him want to kick something and it was really annoying. _ It’s because he’s dating someone and you’re still single, that’s all. Normal ex feelings. _

It definitely wasn’t the same reason he was really bothered by Louis wearing one of Zayn’s sweatshirts, his name _casually _printed over the heart. The whole thing was casual, meaning they probably shared clothes all the time. It wasn’t strange. Niall and Harry used to share clothes, mostly by accident. It was a normal friend thing. Especially if those friends live together. And especially of one of those friends was Louis who was notorious for stealing people's clothes. So why did it bother Harry so much? 

_ Because you’re fucking jealous. _

He sighed, leaning his head against the wheel and closing his eyes. Why. Why would he be jealous of his ex boyfriend who he was most definitely over? 

The answer was clear but Harry wasn’t quite ready to formulate the thought, let alone accept the possibility. 

Seeing Louis last night had been much harder than he ever imagined. He looked so soft in a sweatshirt and sweatpants even though it was right in the heat of summer. His hair was mussed and soft and his bright blue eyes were beautiful as always. He wasn’t wearing socks which meant Harry saw his delicate ankles and couldn’t help but remember wrapping his fingers around them and just holding him. Seeing him grin happily after coming back from getting the pizzas, eyes closed and wrinkling at the corners, tugged at Harry at a way that made him want to bury his head in his pillow and scream at the world. 

Seeing Louis tease Liam and get along with Niall and just fit with Zayn was hard too. Everyone seemed to know how to talk to Louis except for Harry, funny since he was the one who had once known Louis more than anyone else. 

And now he knew barely anything. 

Maybe it was a little bad that Harry wanted that to change as soon as possible. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fine Line comes out in two days!!! Ahh!!! 
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments, feedback is always appreciated. 
> 
> Until next time, I hope you're all having a good day/night.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!

**August 2017**

Dr. Lawrence scrolled on the computer, frowning heavily. Louis fixed his eyes on his lap, fidgeting restlessly. “Louis,” said the doctor, causing him to flinch and drop the random rubber band he had been messing around with. Dr. Lawrence spun around in his chair to meet his eyes. “You’ve lost 15 pounds since I’ve last seen you.”

Louis winced. 

“Is it really that bad?” asked Zayn, looking concerned. Louis could practically see the gears shifting in his head, the plans he was making to force Louis to eat more even though eating made him nauseous. 

“Unfortunately,” said the doctor, still frowning. “Not to mention your iron levels are low. You need to start eating a lot more young man.”

Louis was so upset, he didn’t even roll his eyes like he always did when his doctor called him “young man”. 

“I’ll make sure he does,” said Zayn confidently, confirming Louis’ fears. 

“I’ll do my best,” said Louis, shooting Zayn a look. “By myself.”

Zayn shook his head like _ no fucking way. _

“Great, I have no doubt between the two of you the issue will be resolved,” said Dr. Lawrence. “Anything else I should know? Are you on any new medication?”

Louis hesitated, suddenly not minding when Zayn answered for him, “Actually, Louis’ therapist wanted us to talk to you about prescribing some anxiety medicine for Louis. Nothing major, more mild- like taking a pill whenever he’s feeling particularly anxious.” 

Dr. Lawrence nodded, “Of course. Do you have the request information?” 

Zayn gave it to him and he went over it, nodding and talking to Zayn about the details as Louis shrunk into his seat. He knew this was supposedly going to be good for him, but it just felt so _ serious. _He was glad Zayn was there to do the talking though. There is no doubt Louis would never have been able to even bring up the topic if it were just him.

He wondered what Dr. Lawrence was thinking. Probably something along the lines of, “Why does this grown-ass adult need another grown-ass adult to talk to me like he’s a fucking child?” Louis was so embarrassed. 

He was still embarrassed two hours later when they were finally done with both of their doctor’s appointments (Zayn had scheduled their right after each other for convenience) and had grabbed takeout to eat at the flat. 

“So,” said Zayn, taking a bite of his pasta. “Are you up for meeting up at Liam’s tonight.” 

Louis grimaced. Zayn had told him about how Liam invited them over for a Marvel marathon at their flat and Zayn had told him that he didn’t have to go, especially because they might end up staying over. “I guess I’ll do it,” said Louis. “I mean, I’ll try. I think it might be good.” 

Zayn frowned, “If you say so. I hope you’re doing this because you want to and not because you feel like you have something to prove.” 

Louis stabbed a piece of chicken, shrugging under Zayn’s intense gaze. 

“Or maybe,” said Zayn knowingly. “You just want to see Harry.” 

The blush gave it away. 

“Lou,” said Zayn and Louis groaned. 

“Don’t you dare judge me,” he whined, falling back to sprawl out on the couch. “You’re happy and in love. Let me wallow!”

Zayn just shook his head, “You’re such an idiot. But I love you anyway. We’re leaving at 4 so be ready.” 

Louis nodded, closing his eyes. “By the way Waliyha called an hour ago when you were in the bathroom and she told me she liked me better than you, so there.” 

“Traitor,” said Zayn. “It’s okay, Lottie likes me better than you anyway.”

Louis snorts, eyes fluttering open, “As if! Tomlinsons are loyal to each other first, sorry Malik.”

“I thought I was a real Tomlinson,” said Zayn. “I have a shirt and everything.”

Louis raised an eyebrow, “Your title has been revoked.”

“You can’t do that,” said Zayn scoffing. He flung a pasta noodle at Louis who squawked. He glared and Zayn shrugged. 

“It’s been done,” said Louis firmly, tilting his head up haughtily. “I’m so sorry Z, it’s difficult to do this to you…except not at all because you deserve it, you bastard.”

Zayn rolled his eyes. “Arsehole.”

“I do have a very nice arsehole,” agreed Louis, words coming out without him thinking too hard about it. Zayn’s jaw dropped open, stunned and disgusted. A second late however, he grinned, brown eyes gleaming. 

“There he is,” he said softly. 

“What?” asked Louis, confused.

“There’s my best friend,” said Zayn happily. Louis blinked. Huh. 

-

Harry was not looking forward to this night. He had just come back from having lunch with Kasey, whom he hadn’t seen properly in a few months, only to be informed by Liam and Niall that Zayn and Louis were coming over for a Marvel marathon in a few hours… And they were staying the night.. _ Louis _ was staying the night. He would be in the same flat as Harry _ overnight _, but for the first time ever, he wouldn’t be in the same bed. 

_ Okay enough of that. _

Zayn and Louis were set to arrive in about ten minutes. Liam was organizing the queue of movies they were watching (going by release date beginning with Iron Man), Niall was figuring out plans for takeout, and Harry was currently sitting on the couch, questioning all of his life choices. 

He was very annoyed with Liam and Niall for most likely _ intentionally _forgetting to tell him and he took the anger out on the flowers he was aggressively arranging. Yes, flowers. And he definitely did not immediately think of Louis when he saw the sunflowers, nope, absolutely not. Liam came back into the kitchen right as the doorbell rang. He stopped and then immediately walked away. Harry rolled his eyes, following after a second. 

Might as well get this over with… 

“Lads,” said Niall happily, opening the door. “Welcome to maison des Payne, Horan, et Styles.” 

“Merci,” said Zayn, stepping in, dressed in a gray shirt, leather jacket, and carrying a black duffel. “Hey guys.” Harry tried to be subtle about craning his neck to see Louis behind him. When he did, he nearly gasped. 

“Hey babe,” said Liam, pulling Zayn into a quick kiss and momentarily distracting Harry from his racing heart. He averted his eyes from Louis and stared at his shoes. Holy shit. 

“Hey Harry,” said Zayn. Harry forced a smile, nodding his hello. Holy. Shit. 

He didn’t look at Louis again, he couldn’t. Not when he had seen what he was wearig. Holy. Fucking. Shit. Because Louis was wearing his sweater. As in, Harry’s sweater. 

Harry’s sweater!!

An old, oversized red one that Harry had thought he had misplaced last year (he even spent a good hour looking for it to no avail) except apparently it was with Louis this whole time. And now he was wearing it. In front of Harry. And looking so small and soft and pretty. This was definitely not fair. 

He realized that Louis had said something. Specifically, that he was staring at Harry, looking expectant as was Niall, Liam, and Zayn. 

“Hi Louis,” he said after a beat, assuming he had said hello. Somehow, he managed not to stumble over “Louis”- that would have been embarrassing. He then realized he must’ve missed Louis saying his name. He ignored the way his heart immediately started pounding at the thought of his name coming out of those lips. 

“This is going to be fun,” said Niall, rubbing his hands together. “It’s been ages since I’ve rewatched any of these movies.”

“We’re starting with Ironman first,” said Liam, gesturing to where the TV was already set up, Robert Downey Jr staring them in the face. “Then we’ll go by release dates for the rest and see how it goes.” 

Harry isn’t the biggest Marvel fan, but he knew the basics, having been dragged to far too many premieres of the newest Avengers of whatever else was currently out. That’s what happens when you live with Niall Horan, and even worse, Liam Payne. 

“I ordered Chinese by the way!” announced Niall. “And a pizza, so we have options.” He was grinning. Harry was beginning to think he was the only one who felt a tension between the two groups. Scratch that, he was definitely the only one. 

Except maybe Louis. It hadn’t been long, but from what Harry had seen, Louis seemed to avoid Harry’s eyes just as much as Harry did his. He tried not to wonder whether Louis was aware he was currently dressed in one of Harry’s sweaters. He probably had no idea. Just like he had no idea what effect it was having on him. 

“Cheers,” said Louis, speaking up. Harry resisted the shiver he feels from his raspy voice. 

Conversation stilled for some minutes as everyone got comfortable in the living room. They had a large couch and then a loveseat for seating and when Liam and Zayn sat down on the loveseat, Harry realized he was stuck on a couch with Niall, whom he was still unfortunately fighting with, and Louis. He sat on one end (wearing his sweater!) and Niall was in between them but it was still weird. Harry wasn’t used to sitting so far away from Louis when watching movies. 

He didn’t pay too much attention to Ironman, too keyed up from everything. Instead, most of the film was spent trying to pretend that he wasn’t eternally and irrevocably aware of Louis sitting less than six feet away. He half-expected Louis to be talking more. He was always making comments or reacting audibly to whatever was occurring on-screen but today he was completely silent. It shouldn’t bother Harry as much as it did. 

They had agreed on eating dinner after the trilogy ended and to his surprise, Niall volunteered them to set everything up when the food finally arrived. 

He followed Niall to the kitchen nonetheless, dreading the inevitable awkwardness. As soon as they were both confined to the kitchen, Niall spun around, fixing Harry with a serious look. “Look H, I’m sick of fighting.”

“So am I,” admitted Harry, crossing his arms. He hadn’t expected being ambushed but he wasn’t opposed to dealing with this now, too tired of the drama of the past few weeks. 

“I’m sorry,” said Niall earnestly. “I’ll keep saying it until you believe it. I really am sorry for not telling you. I should have, you deserved to at least have had some warning. I’m really, really sorry.”

He seemed genuine so Harry sighed, “I forgive you.” He forgave Niall ages ago and it felt good to finally admit it. “I hate fighting with you.” He and Niall hadn’t actually ever seriously fought before this, which made it all the more difficult and annoying. 

“Me too H,” said Niall, before hugging him. Harry hugged back, feeling relieved that he wouldn’t have to avoid stilted conversation in the flat or deal with conflicting feelings. He still didn’t understand what Niall was thinking that one day when Malcolm came over, but he was too tired of not being able to talk to and laugh with his best friend that he was willing to forget it. 

They gather the plates and utensils as well as a bottle of wine (because takeout and wine are a pair no matter what anyone tells you) and bring them out to the living room along with the boxes of takeout. The five of them crowd around the coffee table, sitting on the carpet to avoid getting food on the couch and it was better for having conversations. Harry passed out the forks, shivering as his hand brushed Louis’ while passing one to him. Louis who was still in Harry’s bloody jumper!

Dinner passed on smoothly. They chatted about Ironman, Liam, Zayn, and Niall getting into a heated argument about which Ironman movie was the best which Harry didn’t pay too much attention to. Harry managed to make eye contact with Louis when asking him to pass the salt. He dutifully ignored the small snort Niall let out when Harry stumbled over his words. 

Louis didn’t seem to notice, handing him the salt shaker. 

“Thanks,” he muttered, averting his eyes once again when they catch on the red fabric of that fucking sweater. 

“So Niall, how’s things at the hospital,” asked Zayn. 

“Busy,” commented Niall. “I don’t know what it is about the summer, but there’s so many more people getting injured everyday. It’s kind of a pain.”

“I’m sure it’s more painful for them than you Ni,” said Harry dryly.

Niall stuck his tongue out at him. It felt natural. Better. “Yeah well there have been a lot of births too, so that’s fun.”

“You’re so lucky Niall,” said Louis, causing Harry to stiffen. He really needed to get used to the sound of Louis’ voice again. “Seeing all the newborns.”

Niall grunted, “Yeah, yeah they’re really adorable I guess. It kind of gets ruined when you’re rushing around trying to do a million other things or dealing with naive or aggressive new parents. Some of them really make me doubt their abilities in raising kids in the first place to be honest.” 

Harry bit his lip. Niall complains a lot but Harry knows how much he loves and appreciates all aspects of his job. Harry has listened to him talk about how rewarding it is to see the impact of his hard work and how it helps people. 

“And then there’s fucking Benjamin,” said Niall with disgust. “Life would be so much easier if he failed his exams and was never granted registration to be a nurse.” 

“I still don’t understand what this Ben guy did to you,” admitted Liam. “I never thought that Niall Horan could actually hate anyone to be honest.” Neither did Harry, but that was before Ben. 

“He’s a fucking asshole,” said Niall. “And you’re half right. I only hate two people in this world.” Harry raised his eyebrows, curious. He had no idea who this second person Niall hated was. He wondered if it was anyone he knew. 

“I bet Harry doesn’t hate anyone either,” said Zayn, amused. Harry contemplated for a moment, before shrugging. 

“That’s pretty true,” he said. He really couldn’t think of anyone. He had once genuinely believed he hated Louis. However, looking at him now from a few feet away, with the sleeves of _ Harry’s _jumper covering his hands in adorable little sweater paws as he rubbed his tired eyes, he realized that he could never hate this beautiful boy. It was physically impossible. He didn’t know how he ever believed he could. “What can I say, I’m a peaceful person.” 

“Louis cannot relate,” said Zayn, smirking. Louis huffed, slapping Zayn’s shoulder. 

“I don’t know what you’re implying,” said Louis sassily. Harry did not react. He didn’t. “I’m very peaceful!” This was the first time he had said entire sentences instead of a few words at a time. Harry had been glancing at him out of the corner of his eye through the entire dinner. He was also very confused by how little Louis seemed to be eating. It was Chinese- Louis loved Chinese, or at least he used to. Maybe he didn’t anymore, thought Harry. Maybe it’s just one more way he doesn’t know him anymore.

Zayn scoffed, pulling Harry out of his own thoughts. “You literally announce you hate someone all the time.” 

“Lies!” exclaimed Louis, eyes wide. Harry can’t stop the smile from breaking out on his face. “I haven’t said I hate someone in ages Zaynie.” Zaynie. 

“You literally said you hated that one guy at the cafe when we were picking up food this morning,” said Zayn, unimpressed. “Remember, because he insinuated that you were short even though you are.”

Louis slapped his arm again, looking adorably offended. “'m 5’9, asshole!” Which- well Harry definitely knew that was not true, unless Louis somehow grew over the past two years. 

“Bullshit,” said Liam. Louis glared at him and Harry tried to stifle his fondness. This was familiar to him. Even after all this time, Louis still pretended to hate being called small or short but Harry knew the truth. 

“Don’t forget that we literally went to the doctor’s office this morning. I was there when that medical assistance measured you,” said Zayn. “You’re 5-” 

Louis clamped a hand over Zayn’s face, “No need to expose me.”

“So you admit you’re not 5’9,” said Niall, raising an eyebrow. 

“The only thing I admit is that I hate Zayn,” declared Louis.

Zayn rolled his eyes, “Whatever you say babe.” Harry frowned. But not because Zayn called Louis ‘babe’. Nope. 

“Hey, how was your guys’ trip to Donny a few weeks ago?” asked Niall, randomly changing the topic. They all went along with it nonetheless. 

“It was a nice time,” said Zayn, nodding. “We hung out with some friends and Louis’ family. Fizzy turned 17 and the party was fun.” He grinned smugly. “I may have interrogated her boyfriend. The kid looked a little scared for the rest of the night.” He looked really proud of it too. 

Niall laughed, but Harry deflated. Hearing Zayn casually mention something like that brought back a memory of when he promised Fizzy and Lottie that he would have a talk with any of the boys lining up to ask them out. They had giggled, Lottie teasing him by saying he wouldn’t hurt a fly. 

“Well yeah,” he had agreed, arm slung over Louis’ shoulder. “But they don’t have to know that!” Louis had elbowed him after that, fondly calling him an idiot. 

Obviously, he never kept that promise. Never had the chance to. 

“Poor boy already had to deal with the tough treatment from me and Dad, and Lottie a few times too,” said Louis sympathetically. His mouth pulls into a smirk and the look of mischief on his face was so familiar, it hurt. “Liam knows how intimidating Lottie can be in that regard.” 

Liam grimaced and Zayn cackled, patting his shoulder. 

“What about your mum?” asked Niall. “Jay definitely seems to be the type to mess around with any boys brought around.”

Harry frowned. He wanted to say that no, Jay wouldn’t have participated and that she wasn’t the type to “interrogate” new boyfriends. She was warm and inviting to everyone, especially to anyone that made her kids feel happy. He knew that from experience. He glanced at Louis, sure he would refute the claim as well, only to see him blink rapidly, blue eyes watering. 

Harry froze, in shock. Louis stood up from the floor abruptly, a single tear rolling down his cheek. “I- sorry,” he choked out, stumbling back. He turned and fled to the kitchen. Zayn cursed before immediately standing up and following, leaving behind a stunned Harry and Niall and an upset Liam.

Or maybe it was just Harry and Niall who were stunned because Liam just looked sad and regretful. “Did you have to mention her Niall?” 

“What?” asked Niall. “What just happened?”

Harry was confused and distressed. The sight of Louis crying was so alien to him yet it was just as difficult as it had always been. Some things never changed he supposed. He felt a desperate urge to go after Louis and check on him even though that wasn’t his job. Years ago, when Louis cried, he would hide his face in Harry’s chest and let himself be held until he calmed down. Harry would whisper soft, gentle words into his ear and rock their bodies back and forth. 

“You mentioned his mum,” said Liam, as if that cleared things up. 

“Yeah?” prompted Niall, looking bewildered. “He loves talking about his family, especially his mum.”

Liam stared at him in disbelief and maybe a little bit of disappointment, before his face suddenly transformed as if a realization just dawned on him. “Oh shit,” he said, eyes wide. “You guys don’t know, do you?”

“Know what?” asked Harry, exchanging a look with Niall. The anticipation was clawing at his insides. He had no idea what the fuck was going. “What is it Li?” 

Harry should’ve expected something this bad when he saw the way Liam was looking at both of them with a mixture of pity and remorse. Niall seemed to sense bad news as well, based on the way his face was paling. However, the knowledge that he wasn’t going to like whatever it was that was about to come out of Liam’s mouth, did not make it any easier to grasp. Not at all. 

“His mum,” said Liam gently. Harry’s heart seized. “She passed away last December.” 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the little cliffhanger, but the next chapter is going to be interesting to say the least. Things are picking up everyone!!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas!! xx
> 
> Note: If you're triggered by mcd, skip the italicized section of this chapter!

**August 2017- continued from previous chapter**

“Okay so what rooming arrangements did we decide on?” asked Liam, after pausing Avengers: Age of Ultron. Harry winced at the abrupt question, clearly made in aim of ending the awkward tension in the room that had been hovering since dinnertime.

He had tried and failed to keep his attention off of Louis, knowing it would just make him more uncomfortable after everything. He couldn’t help himself howevers, eyes always drifting to latch onto him subconsciously. Louis’ eyes were still red and watery even all these hours later, and he sat hunched into himself, leaning on Zayn’s shoulder. Harry had easily given up his spot on the couch to sit with Liam, leaving Niall to scoot over and Zayn to sit with Louis. 

They didn’t talk about the elephant in the room and when Zayn and Louis had finally returned, they had just continued with the next movie as if nothing happened. 

But something did happen. Something was revealed more like it, and the earth-shattering effect of it was still prevalent in Harry’s mind. He couldn’t believe it. Jay- beautiful, kind, and fierce Jay… was dead. Taken by cancer and leaving behind seven children. She was gone. She had been gone for months and Harry had no idea. 

The ignorant bliss he had been living in was completely destroyed. 

The woman he once considered his second mother had passed away and he had no knowledge of it. 

He couldn’t believe it. 

Mostly, he couldn’t believe Louis was dealing with something so horrible and he hadn’t realized. There was no way he would have been able to realize unless he could read minds, but Harry still felt an immeasurable guilt because of it. Louis loved his mother more than anything but she was cruelly ripped away from the world way too soon. 

Harry couldn’t lie and say that he didn’t shed a few tears after Liam broke the news. Jay had always been important to him. Even though he hadn’t seen her in nearly three years, he still felt the weight of the truth just as heavily as he would have had he never stopped being part of her life. She was _ gone. _Fuck. 

The realization kept striking him over and over as he sat on the couch, hands clenched and mind spinning. He thought about Gemma. And his mum. Both who would be heartbroken to hear the news. Anne especially had become good friends with Jay through their sons’ relationship, only to have to take sides in the breakup. Harry realized with great sadness, that the breakup didn’t just break Louis and him apart. It broke apart two very close families. 

The worst part was that Harry hadn’t been there when it happened. Not that he would want to- he found it months after the tragedy and that was hard enough, he couldn’t imagine living through it. But Louis went through all that pain and heartbreak without him and thinking of him so broken and devastated crumbled all of the remaining pieces of his shattered heart. If things were different, he would have been there, mourning and aching along with Louis. It’s so terribly awful, yet they’d be together, dealing with everything together. 

And now, they couldn’t be farther apart. Louis had been suffering for months, he could already tell. The bags under his eyes, the paleness of his skin, the unhappy tint to his normally exceptionally bright eyes- it all seemed so obvious in hindsight. But Harry had no idea what he was going through until today. And now he had been blindsided with the truth himself, and he didn’t know how to deal with it. 

How can you mourn someone who’s been gone for months but for you, it’s only been a few hours? How can you mourn someone you’ve only seen in memories for the past few years? The answers to these questions were too far to grasp. And now Harry was left scrambling. 

He wanted to scream. He wanted to punch something- get out his gloves and hit the punching bag at the gym over and over until he could feel anything other than this mind-numbing sadness and shock. He wanted to stand up, pull Louis into his arms, and then cry. 

But he couldn’t do any of these things. So he kept it inside, and tried to focus on the movie. 

Needless to say, Harry could not tell you anything about the events of Avengers: Age of Ultron, and he was unbelievably relieved when Liam suggested they turn in. 

“If Niall doesn’t mind, Louis and I can share his bed- I feel like it’d be a lot easier,” said Zayn casually. 

Niall began a nod but Louis cleared his throat, “It’s okay Zayn. You can stay with Liam. I can sleep on the couch if that’s alright.” 

_ No, _thinks Harry. He couldn’t bear the idea of Louis sleeping out on the couch all alone after the night he had. He deserved not to be alone. 

As if reading his mind, Niall piped up, “No mate, you can bunk with me. I don’t mind.” Wait, what? 

Louis looked doubtful, “Are you sure?” 

“Of course Lou,” said Niall. Lou! Harry suddenly felt very defensive. He wanted to object but he didn’t know why. The thought of Louis sharing a bed with Niall bothered him even though it was better than Louis sleeping on the couch alone. 

_ You want him to sleep in a bed with you. _Harry exhaled deeply as the realization settled in him. He did. Fuck, he did, didn’t he? He wanted Louis to not be alone, but he specifically wanted Louis to be with him. He wanted to hold him. Cling to him as he attempted to come to terms with Jay’s death. But that was unreasonable. Most predominantly shown by how bunking with Harry wasn’t even considered as an option. Not to mention, Harry shouldn’t even want it to be an option, shit. 

“Sounds good,” said Zayn, glancing at Louis. “Yeah?” 

Louis nodded, “If you really don’t mind.” He looked relieved, only confirming Harry’s intuition that he didn’t want to be alone after everything that happened. He looked so exhausted, but even then, he was the prettiest person Harry had ever seen. Fuck fuck fuck. 

“Okay then,” said Liam. “Maybe we’ll continue the marathon tomorrow? Or another time, we’ll see. Goodnight guys.” 

“Goodnight,” echoed Zayn, slipping an arm around Liam’s waist before both of them turned to leave the room. 

“Goodnight lads,” said Niall, followed by Louis with a much softer farewell. 

“Sleep tight,” said Harry, turning his head as Louis followed Niall away. Even then he couldn’t deny his desires, and he turned back to watch Louis disappear into the hallway, still wearing that damn sweater. “Sweet dreams.”

-

_ Louis slowly sat down on the edge of the hospital bed, wincing as he did. After three days of sleeping in the hard, cramped waiting room chairs, his back and leg muscles were sore. He still had a crick in his neck too, preventing him from turning his head to the right. _

_ “Hey Mama,” said Lottie softly. Her lovely blue eyes were still shining with tears. Louis knew they looked almost identical to his own. _

_ “Hey loves,” said Jay, gesturing for the two of them to crowd in closer. Louis went in with no hesitation, curling up next to his mother, eyes fluttering shut. The lump in his stomach eased a bit once the familiar scent of lavender and home entered him. He opened his eyes after a moment, meeting his mum’s tired but loving gaze. _

_ “Darlings,” she said simply and Louis crumbled. Jay held her two eldest children tight as they both cried. Louis clung to his mother like he had when he was younger. The only difference was that he was completely aware of how tight or overwhelming his grip may be. As much as Jay was the strongest person he had ever met, she was also so frail. _

_ Fading away, he thinks bitterly. And there’s nothing he can do about it. _

_ The doctor broke the news only a few minutes before. _

_ “Two days,” he had said solemnly, eyes filled with empathy for the small clan of kin waiting outside in the waiting room. “I’m so sorry.” After his announcement, the room had been filled with stunned and devastated silence. Louis had practically felt every frail individual crumb of hope that he had built up over the past few months, break away and slip into oblivion- one by one. Two days. _

_ Two fucking days. 48 hours. 2,880 minutes. 172,800 seconds. All slowly slipping away with every breath he took. It was currently December 5th 2016. In less than two days, Louis would be saying goodbye to his mother. He’d see her beautiful face for the last time. Listen to her lovely voice for the last time. _

_ Hear her breathe for the last time. _

_ It was so horrifying a concept to grasp. In fact, Louis wasn’t even sure he had grasped it. It felt like a fever dream. Time had seemed to stand still for the past few days, the only thing proving that time was slipping past his fingers was during the few times Louis had checked his phone. He had dozens of texts from relatives, friends, and other concerned associates, all asking for updates and news and reminding him to be strong. _

_ Louis definitely wasn’t being strong. He had cried more in the past two days than he ever thought he was capable of doing. Who knew the human body could release so many tears? Who knew a human could get so sad. _

_ He hadn’t cried yet after the announcement- or rather, it was more of a cruel pronouncement. A judgement from the universe. I’m sorry, but there is no more hope. Your mother is doomed to die. You have two days. _

_ “Mama,” sobbed Lottie. It was too much to see his little sister, normally all smiles and fun, so distraught and falling apart while there was nothing he could do about it. Louis buried his head into his mother’s neck, tears falling faster and faster as he slowly broke apart. “Why are they taking you from us?” _

_ None of them really knew who ‘they’ were, but the gist was received. “I’m sorry babies, I’m so sorry,” whispered Jay, leaning over them as if protecting them from harm- the only harm around was the one currently eating up at his mum’s insides, tearing her apart and taking her away. “I love you so much. So so much.” _

_ “I love you so much.” The words are torn from his throat, burning as they released into the air. “How can I- how can _ we _ go on without you?” _

_ “Together,” said Jay, kissing his forehead. “You’ll do it together Boo Bear. You can do it day by day, love. I know you’ll be alright.” _

_ “How can I? How can I continue on without you. I _ need _ you,” cried Louis. He was gripping her hand so hard he was sure it must’ve hurt but Jay just squeezed back. _

_ “You can do it Lou. You’re so incredibly strong. My brave boy,” she said, looking so fond and certain. She was content was the thing. She knew she had to come to terms with her end, and she had. Louis hated it. He hated that he had a time limit. A clock ticking down until the inevitable fall of his heart and soul. _

_ “What about the twins?” pleaded Lottie, as if pleading could change fate. “They need you. Both sets. Ernie and Doris need you mama, they need their mummy.” _

_ “They have four lovely sisters to be their mummies, and one lovely daddy,” said Jay firmly. “I am not worried for them Lotts, they were born into the best family in this planet. They will never be alone.” _

_ “You’re leaving us,” whispered Louis. “How are you so okay with this?” _

_ “My sweet, sweet boy,” said Jay, gazing at him with so much love and affection it made his tears intensify. “I am not okay. I am terrified. I don’t want to go baby, but I must. I am being called by the angels, it’s my turn to fly darling and I cannot fight it. But I’ll still be there for you every day. I’ll be looking down, proud and protecting. Always.” _

_ Lottie let out a choked sound, collapsing further into the bed. It was probably a bad idea, two people laying mostly on top of a weak patient, but Jay didn’t seem to mind. She pulled them closer, rocking them and whispering words of strength to them. “My brave children. My lovely, beautiful darlings. Everything is going to be alright.” _

_ Louis didn’t have the strength to fight her. He stayed silent for the sake of his sister and when they ultimately were sent away to give the other girls a chance to talk, Louis stayed right outside, unwilling to be any further away from his mum than he needed to. And after the twins finished their turn, the entire family crowded into the room and squeezed onto the small hospital bed, crying and holding each other, trying to keep all the pieces of their broken hearts from spilling onto the cold, linoleum floors. _

_ Louis stayed silent and did his best to stay strong for his siblings sakes. He cried, but he let his sisters cry harder, clinging to him while sobs racked their bodies. He closed his eyes and pretended this really was a dream. _

_ But it wasn’t. It was reality. Louis would be motherless in two days and there was nothing he could do to stop it. To stop his perfect, loving mother from fading away all together. _

“Louis!” A worried voice wrenched him out of his nightmare. Louis sat up, panting heavily. He could feel the cool tears slowly crawling down his cheeks and the way his whole body was shaking. “Lou, are you okay?” 

Louis’ eyes fluttered open, blinking in the dark. It took him a minute for his eyesight to adjust and then he could see the faint outline of someone right next to him. It was then he realized there were arms around him. He exhaled shakily, slumping into the hold of this person. 

“Louis, are you okay?” He could recognize the voice now. It was Niall. Because he was sharing a bed with Niall tonight. 

“Fuck. Yeah, I’m fine. I’m so sorry,” he said hurriedly, gently freeing himself from Niall’s hold. He was glad it was completely dark in the room so Niall couldn’t see his red cheeks. He was absolutely mortified. “I’m okay.” 

“Louis,” started Niall. 

“I’m okay, really. Just a nightmare,” he said, but his voice betrayed him by cracking at ‘nightmare’. 

“Lou, clearly you are not okay,” insisted Niall. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“No, not really,” admitted Louis once he realized he wasn’t going to be able to just pretend nothing happened. “I am fine though, I promise. I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“I’m glad you woke me up,” said Niall stubbornly. “Or else you’d still be trapped in your nightmare, suffering unnecessarily. Does this happen a lot?” 

“Not really,” he lied. 

Based on the scoff Niall let out, he didn’t believe it. “We don’t have to talk about it, okay, but please Lou, at least talk to Zayn about it. You were so miserable- thrashing and whimpering and crying out, and I was freaking out.”

Louis winced at the description of his actions, feeling so embarrassed. “I’m so sorry Nialler, really. I should have just slept on the couch.”

“Are you crazy!” exclaimed Niall, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Louis, you know it’s okay to not be okay, right? I understand. Fuck, I actually don’t understand. I have no idea how hard this must be and I can’t even imagine the pain you’re dealing with. And if you need to unload some of it on me, by all means, go ahead. I’m here for you Louis. I know I haven’t been for the past few years, but nothing has changed. I still care for you so much and I promise I will be here from now on, whenever you need me.” 

Niall’s pep talk completely turned into something unexpected, but Louis suddenly felt emotional for an entirely different reason from his missing mother. “Niall.”

“C'mere,” said Niall, opening his arms and Louis obliged, relaxing immediately with the comfort of another person. “Does this help? Me hugging you?”

He nodded hesitantly. 

“I can cuddle you to sleep,” offered Niall. “If you want me too.”

Embarrassed, Louis nodded again, blushing slightly. “You don’t have to but… yeah it would help me.” Had it been any other day, Louis would decline and insist he was fine some more. But after Niall’s kind words and the unexpected disaster at dinner… well, he needed some comfort. Not to mention that he had met with James earlier that week and he had told Louis that he needed to work on how he accepted help from others. “Allow yourself to be vulnerable,” he had said. “I know it’s hard for someone as independent and determined not to be a burden as you, but Louis- you aren’t a burden. And support from others is the only way you can fully heal. Just try, okay? Try with three people.”

He had tried some more with Zayn a few days before when they had a lengthy discussion about Louis’ improvement. Louis had confessed to him that he desperately wanted to return to teaching in the winter and Zayn had been so happy. Happy and proud. Louis had felt a lot better after that talk. The second person was Lottie, whom he finally forgave for meddling in his history with Harry. He told Lottie he felt a responsibility to be the strong one for her and their siblings and Lottie had consoled him, through tears of her own, that Louis had been strong enough for all of them for too long, and that it was his turn to let them take care of him. 

She had made good on that promise too, when the next day he skyped with all of his sisters who all had something to say that made Louis’ heart sing and made him all the more determined to get better. 

And now Niall was the third person he was opening himself up to. 

“It’s so hard,” he whispered. “It’s been 8 months but... I’m still not okay.” 

“And that’s perfectly okay,” assured Niall, patting his back gently. “Grief is so difficult Louis, and I already know you’re giving it your all. You’re going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine. I promise.” 

And for once, Louis actually believes the words. After being comforted by Zayn, Lottie, Calvin, Dana, James, and literally anyone else in his life- he actually finally believed it. He would be alright. Everything would be alright. And it’d happen a lot sooner than he thought. 

He would be okay. 

-

“Good morning,” greeted Zayn. Harry looked up from the stove as Zayn and Liam entered the kitchen. They were wearing matching grins and glancing at each other all fond. Either they fucked or they’re just really happy and in love. Or both. 

Probably both. 

“What’s for breakfast?” asked Liam, moving to the cabinets to get out plates. 

“S’just some eggs,” he said, shrugging. “Scrambled or omelette, I’ll do whatever you want.” 

“Yum, omelettes,” said Zayn, peering over Harry’s shoulder to see the current omelette he was preparing with chopped red bell peppers, tomatoes, and onions. “I can’t cook for shit and neither can Louis so this is like a blessing.” 

Harry forced a smile, trying to keep himself from blurting _ I know _about Louis’ cooking skills. It was like everything changed over the past night. Now Harry could hardly even think of Louis without his heart beats picking up and his mind racing with eagerness. 

Casually, Harry asked, “Are the others up?”

“Dunno,” said Liam. “I’ll go get them, they’re going to want H’s famous omelettes.” Harry smiled at Liam’s boast, turning his attention back to the pan. 

“Thanks for making breakfast,” said Zayn after a moment. Harry turned to see him leaning against the counter. 

He smiled softly, “It’s no big deal Zayn, really. I love cooking and I don’t get to do it as much as I want to since Liam loves to cook as well and we end up ordering out on a lot of nights too.” 

Zayn shrugged, “Still nice of you.” He hesitated, “Look, I actually wanted to talk to you about something.”

“What is it?” asked Harry, genuinely curious. Zayn looked serious but not in a bad news kind of way. Before Zayn could answer, Liam returned with a frown on his face. 

“Niall and Louis aren’t in Niall’s room,” he said. “They aren’t in the flat.”

“What,” said Zayn, sharply. The worry in his voice was obvious. “What the fuck, where are they?” He pulled out his phone. 

An idea struck Harry’s mind, “Wait, I think…”

Liam and Zayn both looked at him, waiting. He flushed, stepping away from the stove nervously. “They might be on the roof… I mean, I think they are… That was, um, it was something they- Niall and Lou- Louis did a lot… back then.” He wanted to sink into a puddle on the floor, incredibly embarrassed by how he stumbled so much when the explanation was pretty basic. Not to mention he almost called Louis ‘Lou’ which he had no right to do anymore. 

“Are you sure?” asked Zayn, looking very distressed.

“Very sure,” he said confidently, mostly just to calm Zayn down. 

Thankfully, the front door opened right then, saving Harry and Liam from a potentially frantic Zayn Malik, and in came Louis and Niall, both laughing and grinning like children. Harry sucked in a breath. Louis- 

He was out of Harry’s sweater, but now he was wearing a very oversized sweatshirt with the hood up, leaving only his soft fringe and bright blue crinkling eyes. His mouth was pulled into a wide smile and he looked giddy and sweet and sleepy and Harry did not know how to cope. He was also wearing flannel pajamas and his feet were bare. Seeing barefoot Louis was so familiar, it hurt. 

Niall was similarly dressed, except his hood fell immediately as his head jerked up, eyes wide. “I smell breakfast!”

Harry rolled his eyes, “Sometimes I wonder if you’re part dog Horan.” 

“It explains my lovable nature and why everyone wants to cuddle me,” replied Niall smoothly, sitting down at the kitchen table. 

Louis laughed and Harry tried not to flinch at the beautiful sound. Jesus Christ, what was wrong with him? Why was he so affected by his ex-boyfriend? Even worse, why did he no longer feel any of the resentment and hatred towards him- the one thing that was keeping him sane and with dignity. 

Harry cleared his throat, sliding an omelette onto a plate. “Who wants the first one?”

“Me!” exclaimed Niall. 

Harry made eye contact with the Irishman, right as he handed the plate to Zayn. Niall gasped and Zayn, Liam, and Louis cackled. Harry did not feel proud of making Louis laugh, no he did not. That would be_ ridiculous _. 

“No fair asshole,” said Niall, crossing his arms. “What have I done to deserve this unfair treatment?”

“Maybe next time you’ll appreciate me cooking for you all the time and say 'thank you' or 'please',” said Harry.

“Oh Harry, you know that Niall’s physically incapable of being polite,” joked Louis. Niall replied with an offended “Heyyyy,” but Harry wasn’t paying attention. He was rigid, eyes fixed on Louis’ nonchalant face. Louis just addressed him. Louis just said his name. What the fuck. 

“I’m being bullied,” announced Niall dramatically, crossing his arms like a petulant child. “This is what Louis must feel like.”

“Oi!” exclaimed Louis, eyes wide. “Watch your mouth asshole!” Harry choked back a laugh, the expression on Louis' face too good to resist. 

“C’mon guys, let’s give the boy a break,” said Liam appeasingly. 

“At least someone defends me,” said Niall haughtily. 

“I just want you to shut up,” admitted Liam, slinging an arm around a very amused Zayn. 

The chair creaked loudly as Niall stood up, “That’s it. I’m moving out.”

“You’ll starve,” drawled Harry, ignoring the tongue Niall stuck out at him. 

“I’ll move in with Barbara,” retorted Niall. “She loves me.”

“She loves you, yes, which means she knows you. And anyone who knows you would never actually choose to live with you,” said Liam teasingly. "And you know it." 

“Ha ha,” said Niall. “I can’t believe you’re all bonding over making fun of me. I can’t believe I’m friends with you people.”

“This is exactly why you’re friends with us,” said Harry. 

Niall pouted. 

-

Harry took a deep breath, holding it for a count of five before releasing slowly. He was nervous, but he also knew he had to do this- had to tell them. He couldn’t decide if this decision was a selfish or selfless one. He picked up his phone and called the number. 

He closed his eyes and sat down on his bed, holding his head in his free hand. “Calm down Styles,” he whispered to himself. 

The phone rang twice before connecting. “Hello?”

Harry bit his lip, “Hey Mum.”

“Oh darling, I didn’t see the contact name, sorry. I’m actually with Gemma and Michal,” she said, more enthusiastic now that she realized it was her son. “How are you love?”

“I’m… good,” he said slowly. “How are you?”

He was trying to keep the affected tone out of his voice, wanting to stall now that he realized Gemma was there too, however his mum knew him too well. 

“I’m great honey, what is it?”

“I…” his voice trailed off. He swallowed harshly. “I have to tell you something.”

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah… well kind of, it’s just…” He paused to take another deep breath, heart racing. He was about to break his mother’s heart, he knew it. But she deserved to know. And Harry couldn’t lie and say he wanted to share the weight of grief he had been carrying for the past 24 hours since he found out. He was alone at home currently, Niall out with Barb and Liam at the gym. “Remember how I told you Louis was Zayn’s flatmate?”

There was a loud commotion on the other end. “Mum?”

“Sit down Gemma,” chided his mother, sounding more muffled. Harry could barely make out the shocked tone of his sister saying, “Louis is Zayn’s flatmate!?!?”

Harry hadn’t properly talked to Gemma in a few weeks which he now immediately felt guilty for. 

“Continue darling,” said his mother’s voice after some more muffled conversation. “I moved into the other room so we can talk without interruptions. What happened?”

He closed his eyes, already close to tears again. “It’s not good news Mum.”

“Did you guys talk?” she asked. 

Harry frowned, “No, what is there to talk about?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “Mum, I just found out yesterday when they came over… I’m so sorry but I feel like I should tell you.”

“Spit it out love, it’s just me,” consoled his mother. 

Harry took another deep breath, ignoring the lump in his stomach and deciding to just blurt it out. “Mum… Jay passed away last December.”

Silence. 

He opened his eyes and brought his closed fist to his mouth, feeling a mixture of exhausted and sad. Anne didn’t reply, but Harry could hear her rapid breathing. 

“Mum?”

Another few moments of nothing, then, “What?”

He winced, “I’m so sorry Mum. I… I don’t even know what to say. I can’t believe it.”

When she spoke again, Harry knew she was crying and he cursed himself for making his mother sad- something he never wanted to do even if it was for the better. “Oh my god…”

Harry felt a cool tear run down his face, eyes watery and lump still present, “I know. I can’t- I don’t- it’s awful.”

“How?” she choked out a minute later. “How, why?”

“It was cancer- leukemia, I don’t really know any of the details,” he explained. _ I don’t think I could bear any of the details. _“I know, I know this must be hard for you. I’m so sorry Mum, about everything. For ruining your guys’ friendship, I’m so sorry.”

“Darling,” said his mum, still choked up. “This isn’t your fault. I can’t- I can’t believe I didn’t know.”

“Neither can I,” said Harry, fully crying now. He lost a woman whom he once considered his second mother, and he didn’t even know until eight months later! 

It was so messed up. All of it was so messed up. 

“God, those poor children!” exclaimed Anne a minute later. “And the little twins! I can’t even imagine, this is so horrible.”

Harry nodded, even though she couldn’t see him. “I don’t know how to cope,” he admitted. “I feel like I’m in the mourning stage but I’m almost a year too late. It’s so messed up.” 

“Jesus christ,” was his mum’s accurate reply. “God, I’ll have to tell Gemma now too.” 

“That would make me feel better yeah,” said Harry, not wanting to hear Gemma’s reaction. Gemma and Lottie had been good friends once and Gemma had also loved Jay like a second mother. She would be devastated, especially when she had already told Harry she regretted fully shutting herself away from the Tomlinsons for Harry’s sake. 

There was another pause for silence between the mother and son in which Harry felt increasingly hopeless and confused. “God, everything’s a mess now isn’t it?”

“It does seem that way,” agreed his mum. “But we’ll get through this. Have you talked to Louis about it? Offered condolences?”

“Not really,” he admitted. “I want to, but not just to offer my condolences- he doesn’t need my pity, especially not now. But to offer friendship. I think- well I hope it won’t be awkward for us, considering everything. But I can’t just pretend I don’t want to be friends with him. I do. I can’t _ not _ be friends with him Mum, I tried and it’s failing. Really badly.”

“Oh honey,” said his mum. “If you want to try, try, but don’t get your heart broken.”

“What’re you implying?” he asked, dreading the answer. “It’s not like… It’s not like I’m going to fall in love with him again.”

“No,” said his mum sadly. “Of course not, that’s not what I meant. I just mean, I hope you don’t get too caught up in the past. I remember how sad you were when it happened and I know how difficult this will be, and I’m sure you know too. Heartbreak may fade but it doesn’t disappear entirely. But I also know Louis, so I can’t tell you _ not _ to befriend him again. God, I can’t even imagine- the poor darling.” She sighed. “I wish I could hug him right now.”

_ Me too. _

“So it’s settled,” he said instead. “I can be friends with Louis. I think that’ll be good for us. Friends, not bitter exes.” 

“Sure,” said his mother. 

“Right,” said Harry. Now all he had to do was stop himself from thinking certain inappropriate things, and then everything would be golden. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll do my best to post soon but even if I don't in two days, it'll be up by next Wednesday for sure (New Year's). I hope everyone is enjoying their holidays and I'll see you all soon!
> 
> IMPORTANT (update March 2020):  
This is copy and pasted from later on in the fic just because I feel like it should be clarified for this chapter especially:
> 
> A note on the character death: Involving Jay’s death in any fic is always difficult and controversial considering it’s canon but also a delicate topic. I just want to stress that while it plays a pretty big role in this fic, I am not by any means glorifying grief nor am I defining how Louis grieves or grieved. This is fiction. These characters, despite being inspired by real life people and sharing their names, are fictional and of my creation. And the only reason I put this much emphasis on Jay’s death in this fic is because losing a mother is something that hits home for me and so I spoke from my experience instead of trying to define Louis’- that would be messed up. I don’t mean to be disrespectful in any way, shape, or form which is why I try to make these parts vague and brief. I can’t ignore it because something like that would leave a major impact on those affected but I hope I came across as respectful as intended. Also, I never and will never use someone’s death to further the development of a relationship, especially when the death is canon. That IS messed up and I vehemently oppose it (as should you). Louis and Harry’s relationship would have progressed the same way whether the death happened or not and that was something that I purposely did. Grief is not a plot point in a relationship, and it never should be. I just wanted to cover that briefly as a reminder and clarification. 
> 
> I feel a little bit conflicted on that scene because I feel like it may be crossing the line a bit too much- I may go back and delete it in the future, idk.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year's!!! 
> 
> This is kind of a filler chapter but I wanted to upload something! Next chapter will be up next Wednesday :)

**September 2017**

When Louis received the text message, he was still groggy and disoriented from his unintentionally long nap. He had been checking for a message from Calvin about the Donny Rovers only to see a notification for a text from an unknown number. He had first assumed it was from some company only to click and see: **Hi Louis, this is Harry. I was…**

He had been shocked, and it took him a total of five minutes to work up the courage to open the messages app and tap the chat to see the full message.

**Hi Louis, this is Harry. I was wondering if you wanted to meet up to have lunch this week? It’ll be nice to catch up. **

Louis has stared at the message in disbelief, more willing to believe this was a prank rather than accept the truth: Harry sent him a message. He invited him- Louis, his EX boyfriend, to lunch. Because he wanted to catch up… with Louis… his ex-boyfriend whom he hated. What the hell? 

Not to mention the number itself. Louis was embarrassed to admit that he still had Harry’s number saved on his phone under **Haz <3** , even after all these years- had in fact stared at it for humiliating amounts of time when drunk or sad or both, wondering if he’d ever be desperate or pathetic enough to dial. Harry must’ve gotten a new number, which meant there was no way Harry had ** Lou ☀️💕 **still programmed on his phone. 

Except, Louis thought bitterly, that he had actually blocked Harry’s number after they broke up- unable to resist the temptations whenever he called or texted- something that happened frequently for the first month. He didn’t trust his own ability to ignore the attempts at communication. 

He wondered who Harry had gotten his number from, since there was no way Harry still had it memorized all these years later. 

Or maybe he was just stalling, heart racing whenever he opened his phone to see the message again. He knew he had to reply soon, not wanting Harry to think he left him on read from spite or as a dismissal. He took a deep breath before meticulously typing out his message, going over it an unnecessary amount of times. 

**hi harry, lunch sounds good! i’m free anytime. **

He scowled and erased the sentence- the exclamation point made him sound so needy and desperate, his “free anytime” didn’t do anything to help either. He also second guessed his lowercase letter aesthetic for the first time ever- did it look too unprofessional? Why did it matter anyway? Harry didn’t give a shit about how he typed- or maybe he did? 

**Hi Harry, lunch sounds like a good idea. I’m free Wednesday, does that work? **

He stared at the waiting message, biting his lip. It looked normal, yet Louis couldn’t fight the feeling that it felt too forced and awkward. _ Well of course it’s forced and awkward- this whole thing is forced and awkward. _

Thinking about it pushed his mind to dangerous places. What if Harry was only asking because he noticed that Louis was still in love with him? Had he not been subtle enough with his yearning eyes and desperate faces? Why else would he want to meet up other than to shut down Louis’ most likely uncomfortable pining. 

Now that he thought about, had Liam and Niall noticed too? Had they seen the tension between the two of them and cringed at Louis’ obvious unrequited love? Did they talk about a lot? A vision of Harry, Liam, and Niall all sitting down at the kitchen table in their flat and making fun of Louis’ pining came into his head and he dropped his phone onto the couch, heart stuttering. 

If he were being reasonable, he’d realize that Niall would never ever make fun of Louis like that especially after their heart to heart- and neither would Liam for that matter. Harry on the other hand, already did hate him. The talk Louis overheard with Malcolm confirmed it and as much as he had tried to ignore that cursed day and pretend it never happened- it did happen and Harry hated his guts. Not only that, but he thought Louis was a vile human being. A _ rat. _He cringed again, pulling his knees to his chest.

The lump in his throat was all too familiar and so was the shaky feeling in his hands. And for the first time in two months, Louis felt it. 

An urge. 

An inexplicable desire to get up and tear through their flat in search of wherever Zayn had hidden all sharp tools. Tear through the flat, scream, and cry and get rid of the pain the only way he knew how. 

Replacing it with more pain. A different pain. A distracting pain. One that would bury the mental pain with physical pain and provide him temporary relief and retribution- a punishment for being pathetic and weak. 

He wanted to cut again. Fuck. 

Tears came to his eyes as he clenched his fists. He was angry with himself. Angry that he had only lasted this long. He had promised- he had promised not to do it anymore. He said he was going to get better, but here was, still weak and pathetic. 

_ No, you haven’t done anything yet. _

The reassurance brought him brief peace. He blinked rapidly, eyesight blurry with tears. And then he channeled all of the breathing techniques he had learned over the past decade of dealing with anxiety and just _ inhaled. _

_ Exhaled. _

In and out. In and out. Until his breathing returned to normal and his heartbeat had steadied. Then he picked up his phone and dialed Zayn. 

“Hey Lou,” said Zayn immediately, picking up on the first ring. “Everything okay?”

Louis’ throat felt dry and closed off, but he persevered. “I,” he started, before pausing to clear his throat and take another deep breath. “I want to cut…” He opened his eyes, not even realizing he had squeezed them shut. “I wanted to cut,” he amended. “But I didn’t, because I know it won’t fix anything. So I called you instead.”

Explaining it took a giant weight off his chest and he suddenly felt a lot freer- exhausted but free. 

“That’s… I’m proud of you babe,” said Zayn, and it sounded genuine. That brought a smile to his face. “Let’s talk about it.”

“Okay.”

-

Later on, after a lunch at Sally’s and a much needed Netflix binge with Dani and Zayn, Louis finally sent his reply: 

**hi harry, lunch sounds good. i’m free wednesday, does that work for you? **

He didn’t look at it after typing it out, just hit send like Zayn had advised. Zayn had also reassured him that he wouldn’t judge if Louis just faked changing his number to ignore Harry’s invite, always the supportive best friend. 

Louis had no idea how this was going to go down, but he was too curious not to try- not to take advantage of this olive branch. Well, it felt like an olive branch at least. And if it also ignited a once dormant flicker of hope within him, a flicker that couldn’t be tamped down by any of Louis’ self-deprecation or logic, then that was nobody’s business. 

-

Harry was not freaking out. He definitely wasn’t. 

He was sitting at a table at Florence’s, menu open in front of him and chair across from him empty. It was nearly 12 am, which is when they had eventually agreed to meet. Wednesday. September. Lunch. 

With Louis. 

He didn’t know what he was thinking when he had asked Liam for Louis’ number and texted him that day. 

Well actually he did. 

He had been under the influence and kept thinking about how much he wanted to reach out and try to be friends with Louis again, because the thing was, Harry really missed him. It had been two and a half years and he still missed Louis. Not even dating him- just being around him, around his lovely personality and aura. 

So he sent the text, thankfully sober enough to draft a comprehensible invite. And then he called Gemma. 

“I can’t believe this,” said Gemma immediately upon answering. 

Harry rolled his eyes, “Hey Gems, nice to see you too.”

“Shut the fuck up, I’m distraught asshole,” scolded Gemma. There was a pause and then, “I can’t believe it happened and we had no idea…”

An uncomfortable feeling ignited inside him. So Anne told Gemma. “I know,” he said quietly, suddenly feeling very sober and very sad. “Can we not talk about regrets right now?”

“Fine, sorry, sorry. What is it little brother?” she asked curiously. 

“Well,” started Harry, wincing because he knew how his sister was going to react. “I just asked Louis to lunch.”

Silence.

“Gems?” 

“You _ what? _” 

Harry’s eyes widened as he realized how it sounded, “No, no! Not a date! Just to catch up, jesus.”

“For fuck’s sake H, be more clear next time,” said Gemma. “I think that’s a good idea.”

Harry blinked. Wait, what? “You do?” He couldn’t keep the disbelief out of his tone. 

“Yes idiot,” said Gemma, exasperated. She continued gentler, “I know you miss him and don’t hate him like you try to convince everyone.”

Harry huffed, “Well okay jeez, I guess I’m not subtle.”

“You really aren’t.”

“It’s not like… I don’t forgive him for what he did or anything,” said Harry defensively. “He still broke my heart and I’m going to keep that in consideration, but I can’t just ignore him… I tried that and it’s not working. I need to be friends with him- especially…”

“Yeah,” finished Gemma, glumly.

“Yeah,” echoed Harry. “I hope it goes well.”

“It will,” said Gemma confidently. “Tell him hi for me. And Mum. You know she’s upset.” Harry knew. Anne always saw Louis as a second son- the breakup was almost as difficult for her than it was for Harry (not that he’d ever admit that). Harry knew she was probably cursing herself about how things went so wrong even though it wasn’t her fault. Anne probably wanted to reach out to Louis as much as Harry did too- offer herself as a comforting maternal figure. In another universe, Anne was already that maternal comfort for Louis- another universe where everything never went so wrong. 

“I will,” promised Harry. 

“Good,” said Gemma. “I was… I was actually thinking of reaching out to Lottie again.” 

Harry raised an eyebrow, but he couldn’t say he was particularly surprised. Gemma and Lottie had once been really close, except when their brothers broke up, so did their friendship. Harry felt an unexpected guilt weigh on him. He hadn’t meant to, but he felt like he had somehow encouraged Gemma to choose a side after the disaster. And she did, she picked Harry of course, but she sacrificed a strong friendship for it. 

“I think that’s a good idea,” he said empathetically, hoping his sister could detect the apology in his words. “Let me know how it goes.”

“I will,” said Gemma. “I have to go love, call me later yeah?”

“Of course,” said Harry immediately. “Bye Gems, love you.”

“Love you too little brother,” was Gemma’s reply before hanging up. 

He put his phone on the couch, pointedly avoiding checking for any new messages, and sighed. He decided he needed to go to the gym. Or take a nap. Or both. 

And now here he was three days later. It was Wednesday and- he checked his phone- now officially 12 am. He put his phone down and sighed, trying to calm his racing heart. _You signed up for this... This was your idea. _He clenched his fists. _It's just lunch. _

Someone cleared their throat. Harry looked up. 

Louis. 

-

**February 2013**

“You’re off, love,” said Barbara, slipping in behind the counter and reaching for an apron. “See you tomorrow H.”

“Thanks Barb,” said Harry, grinning. He shrugged off his apron and hung it up neatly, before swinging back to kiss Barbara’s cheek. “See you tomorrow, bye.”

Barbara smiled at him and then he was off. 

He took the tube back to campus. He had originally planned on going to the gym or to a coffee shop to maybe finish one of his current essays, but all he wanted to do was take a nap after a long shift at Haven. It didn’t help that he had pulled an all-nighter the night before to finish a different essay, and instead of sleeping that morning, he went to the movies with Louis. 

Because doing anything with Louis now officially trumped sleeping. Easily. 

The second he entered his dorm room, he immediately collapsed onto his bed and sighed loudly. He closed his eyes, not bothering to take off his shoes or jacket. 

Someone cleared their throat and Harry groaned. “Please not now Niall, I’m exhausted.”

“Not Niall, you’d think after 19 years you’d recognize your own sister,” said a familiar voice. Harry sat up in surprise. 

“Gems?” 

It was Gemma, looking beautiful and smirking at him from Niall’s bed. “Your Irish roommate let me two hours ago but he went to his class.”

“What the fuck are you doing here?” asked Harry eloquently. “I mean, I’m glad you’re here but aren’t you supposed to be in school right now?”

Gemma rolled her eyes, “Can’t a girl skip a class to see her favorite brother.”

“I’m your only brother,” said Harry, narrowing his eyes in suspicion. “And you’d never skip class for me, so fess up.”

“My prof cancelled today’s class and I wanted to come up to London anyway and I thought, might as well annoy my obnoxious younger brother,” said Gemma shrugging. “Revenge for when you did the same last semester.” 

Harry rolled his eyes but grudgingly hugged his sister. “It’s good to see you.”

“You too baby brother,” said Gemma. “Now tell me about your boyfriend.”

Harry froze. “Huh?”

“Your boyfriend,” said Gemma. “Tell me about him.”

Harry forced a confused smile, “I don’t know what you’re talking about Gems. I’m not seeing anyone.” 

“You are too,” said Gemma, glaring at him. “I follow you on twitter moron, I’ve seen your latest tweets.” 

Latest tweets which may or may not have been him quoting romantic lyrics and poems... Shit. 

“I’m not seeing anyone,” he repeated, trying to keep his tone neutral. “I just like them s’all. You know how much of a hopeless romantic I am.” 

Gemma blinked, unimpressed. “Bullshit,” she stated.

“No,” said Harry. “I’m not dating anyone. Blue eyes are just pretty, okay?”

“So he has blue eyes,” said Gemma smirking. Harry sputtered. 

“No, I was just…” he started, only to be cut off by Gemma again. 

“Quit the bullshit Styles, I can tell when you’re lying. You’re not subtle at all, thank god you aren’t majoring in acting.”

Harry pouted. “I’m a great actor,” he defended, mostly stalling. 

“Stop stalling,” retorted Gemma, which is well, unfair. “Tell me tell me tell me tell me.” 

Harry groaned, "There's no one, seriously."

"You can't lie to me," sang Gemma. She nudged his foot incessantly with her foot. "C'mon..." 

“Gems-”

“I swear to god Harry, I will stay here in this dorm until you tell me,” threatened Gemma. Harry was pretty sure Gemma would die before she missed too many classes, but he also really wanted to talk about Louis to _ someone, _ so he gave in _ . _

“Ugh fine,” said Harry, ignoring Gemma’s smug look. “Don’t look all chuffed, you twat. I'm going to tell Niall not to let you in ever again.”

“You don't have the balls, now tell me!” said Gemma again, this time punctuating the statement by shaking him slightly. Harry glared at her until she let go. “Sorry. Now spill the beans, what’s his name? What does he look like?”

“His name’s Louis,” said Harry, and he couldn’t control the fondness in his voice nor the way he immediately softened, smiling while thinking of the charming boy. 

“Louis,” repeated Gemma. “Cute. I like it. D’you call him Lou?”

Harry blushed and nodded. 

“Cute cute,” said Gemma, grinning. She scooted back until she was leaning against the wall of Niall’s bed and Harry followed suit. “What does he look like?”

“He’s the prettiest person I’ve ever seen,” said Harry honestly. Gemma scoffed. “No seriously, he’s beautiful. Angelic. He has the most gorgeous blue eyes-”

“No, really?,” interrupts Gemma with an exaggerated expression of shock. Harry shot her an unimpressed look. “Continue.”

“He has light brown, soft hair, it almost looks feathery?” he said. Trying to articulate Louis’ beauty was almost impossible. “And he’s got the most delicate, precious features Gems. Like a fairy or some shit. His cheekbones, ugh.”

Gemma was giving him a weird look but he continued nonetheless. “His face is delicate and his wrists, even his fucking ankles. He's so small and petite too- I could probably lift him so easily. And he has these little freckles on his face that you can’t see unless you’re really close and they’re so pretty. Everything about him is pretty.” 

“Damn,” said Gemma. “You’re in love with him.”

Harry blushed deep red, “What? I’m not- It’s not.. I’m not.” 

Gemma just raised an eyebrow, “Whatever you say. What’s he like?”

“He’s amazing,” said Harry, pulling his knees to his chest. He was staring at the ceiling with a goofy smile on his face and he knew he looked ridiculous or like a love-sick fool but he couldn’t help it. “He’s so kind and good and genuine. He loves kids and he's got a bunch of little siblings. He’s witty and clever and smart too. He always makes me laugh so loudly and we have fun when we're together. Conversation flows so easily and it just feels so natural with him. He's majoring in teaching- wants to be a drama teacher and he's so passionate about it too. He’s such a sweetheart Gemma, you’d love him, you guys would get along so well. Mum would adore him too.” She would. Harry couldn't wait to introduce Anne to Louis because he knew Anne would be as smitten as he was. 

“He sounds great,” said Gemma seriously and Harry turned to see that she looked completely honest and genuine. “And if he makes you happy, than he makes me happy. How long have you been seeing him?”

“Like two and a half weeks,” confessed Harry shyly. The way Gemma’s jaw dropped made him rush to explain. “I know it sounds like I’m head over heels, but Gems, he’s worth it. He’s… I see us lasting a really really long time.” 

“And you know this after a couple of weeks?” asked Gemma, incredulously. 

“Yes,” said Harry, firmly. Because he did. He felt it. Louis was perfect for him and they were so good together already. He knew Louis was special, that he was worth all of Harry’s admittedly quickly-given affection and loyalty. Knew that their... well whatever they had, it was good and it was long term. He knew it. “You’ll see when you meet him, I swear it.”

“Okay,” said Gemma after a moment, looking a little less skeptical but skeptical nonetheless. “If you say so.”

“I know what I’m doing,” said Harry. “This is special. He's special. I can feel it.”

“I trust your instincts H,” said Gemma. “If he’s as into you as you are to him, then I have no doubt your relationship will go well.”

“He is. It will,” said Harry confidently. “But thanks sis.” 

Gemma smiled and squeezed his shoulder right as the door flew open and Niall entered the room. He stopped dead, staring at the two of them. “Um, what’re you guys doing on my bed?” 

Harry looked down at what was indeed Niall’s bed. “Oh, oops.”

“We’re talking about Harry’s boyfriend,” said Gemma slyly. 

Harry blushed. Before he could inform Gemma that they technically weren’t boyfriends yet, Niall gasped dramatically. Harry looked over to where Niall was staring at him in betrayal, eyes wide and hand over his chest. 

“Boyfriend!?” he yelled. “What the fuck Harry!?”

"Surprise?" he said weakly. 

Gemma cackled and Harry punched her in the shoulder. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wonder if something's going to happen when Gemma and Lottie finally meet up, hmmm.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a day earlier for once! 
> 
> DISCLAIMER: This chapter contains content that may be too triggering for some people (self-harm). As I mentioned, I will never explicitly describe the act itself but I do talk about aftermath/motivation/etcetera and if any of that is triggering please don't read this chapter! If you really want to continue the story, message me for a short summary of what happened. Most of all, just take care of yourself. Know your limits and don't push them. It's a hard topic.

**September 2017**

“Hi,” said Louis shyly. 

Harry blinked at him before he seemed to snap out of whatever daze he had been in. “Hi Louis, please sit down.” 

Louis obliged, picking up his menu to scan. He chanced a glimpse at Harry, admiring his silky white shirt and black skinnies. He noticed the sleek black polish on his nails too. He looked really good. Of course he did. He’s Harry, Harry always looked good. 

Louis himself had spent way too long- a few hours at the least- worrying over what to wear for this lunch. Zayn had eventually taken pity on him and picked out an outfit. A red Adidas shirt (one that hung all too loose over his thinner frame- now that he was aware of how much weight he had lost in so little time, he couldn’t help but notice it every time) and another pair of black skinnies (that were also, not as skin-tight on his legs as they used to be. He had his trusty scuffed up vans on his feet and was wearing a denim jacket over everything because… scars. 

“Have you been here before?” asked Harry, making Louis jump slightly. 

“Oh, um, no I don’t think so,” he said, looking around. It was a cafe, meant to be casual, but it was clear based on the decor and atmosphere that it was a _ fancy _cafe. Not somewhere he and Zayn would dine usually, that was for sure. He felt a little self-conscious in his casual clothes even though it was a casual lunch. Harry didn’t seem to mind. 

Or maybe he did. 

“They have really good food,” said Harry after a beat. Louis met his eyes, bright green orbs staring into him and causing a shiver to run up his spine. 

“Good to know,” he said quietly. He felt tense and winded up. Like any little thing could set him off and he’d fall apart. It had only been a few minutes, fuck. Why did he accept the invite? 

No one spoke as they went over the menu. Even though he knew he had to eat more, he knew if he ate anything too heavy he’d probably throw up and that would be mortifying. So he figured a Caesar salad would be his best bet, with chicken because Zayn kept telling him to watch his protein. 

A waiter came by and Harry ordered first, “I’ll get the fajitas, thanks.”

“I’ll get the medium Caesar salad with chicken please,” he said, smiling slightly at the waiter. 

“I’ll be right out with your food,” said the waiter before leaving. When Louis looked over, Harry was giving him a weird look.

“What?” he asked, self-conscious. 

“Nothing… It’s just, you like salads now?” he asked. 

Louis flinched. “Yeah… I do.” He couldn’t help the defensive tone that came across in his reply. Why would Harry say something like that anyway? What happened to forgetting the past? 

“I didn’t mean.. Never mind,” said Harry. This was already off to a rocky start. “So how have things been… um…”

Louis blinked. 

“Things? Just... How are you?” finished Harry lamely. 

“Good,” said Louis. “And you?” This was fucking awkward. It was almost ridiculous. Anyone who passed by would never be able to guess that once there was never a moment of silence between the two of them. 

“I’m good, great,” said Harry. “Busy. In the studio.”

“Studio? Oh,” said Louis, eyes widening as he realized. “Album coming out soon?”

“Yeah, that’s the plan,” said Harry, sounding uncomfortable. “If I don’t push back the release date again… There are some… difficulties with writing and inspiration.” He gave an awkward, sheepish smile. 

Louis nodded, understanding. This was sort of a dangerous topic, but they seemed to be staying away from the triggering parts. “Is this your debut album?”

Harry nodded, “It’s been a _ long _time coming. But with changing labels and agents and other life stuff, it just hasn’t happened yet.”

Wait. What? “You changed labels?” he blurted. “And James?” He froze. James Cartier was veering too far into “dangerous” territory, for sure. 

Harry paused, looking even more uncomfortable. When he finally spoke, his words sounded strained, “Yeah… We had some… disagreements with how I was meant to do things.” 

Louis fidgeted in his seat, wondering if those disagreements included having to keep a certain, “available” image to appease an audience. He wondered, but didn’t say anything. “And your new agent and label? It’s better?”

“Much,” said Harry hastily. “My agent’s name is Donna. She’s amazing.”

“That’s good,” said Louis, trying a small smile. It felt stiff. This whole conversation was stiff. “I hope it goes well.”

“Thanks,” said Harry, after another pause. Fuck, this was so awkward. “So, what about you? I know you’re not currently working, but you’re teaching, yeah? Still drama?”

“Still drama,” confirmed Louis. _ Not as exciting as you. _

“Cool,” said Harry. Another pause. “This is really awkward, isn’t it?”

Louis nodded empathetically. “Very.”

Harry frowned, taking a sip of his water. “Well… How’s your family.” His eyes widened, “Shit. Wait, I’m sorry. I didn’t-”

“It’s okay,” said Louis quickly. “You don’t have to avoid talking about my family because of my mum. Do you want the short answer or the longer one?”

Harry grinned, “Longer one. How are the girls? And Ernie?”

Louis’s heart fluttered at Harry remembering and asking about Ernie and his sisters. “They’re all pretty good. Lottie’s working on her brand.”

“Brand?” interrupted Harry, curious. “Sorry, continue.”

“Yeah, remember when-” He stopped immediately, ducking his head to hide his blush. _ Idiot. _When he looked up, Harry was a mixture of confused and curious. 

“Remember?” he prompted. 

“Remember how Lottie used to talk about starting a tanning line?” he asked, quietly. Harry nodded a second later, recognition shining in his eyes. “Well, she’s currently working on it: Tanologist. And she’s working on a few other things, like a clothing line etcetera.”

“That’s great,” said Harry, honestly. “I know how much she wanted to do that.”

Louis nodded, clearing his throat. “Yeah well, Fizzy’s doing great too. Newly 17, which is crazy. The twins, the older twins, are doing good too. The younger twins are… young and happy? I haven’t seen them in a while to be honest. Kind of a bummer but that’s what happens. They’re all doing good though.” _ Awkward. Stupid. Idiot- _

“That’s good,” said Harry, smiling. 

“How’s Gemma?” asked Louis, half because he needed to keep the conversation going and half because he genuinely wanted to know. He _ missed _the girl. She and Louis got along really well, matching each other in wit and banter and bonding over teasing Harry as much as possible. 

“Gemma’s good too,” said Harry. “She’s still blogging, doing other influencer stuff.” He shrugged, “I don’t see her as much as I’d like either but we talk all the time.” 

“That’s good,” said Louis. “How’s Anne?”

Harry smiled, “She’s good. Uh, she actually. She wanted me to say… She’s sorry.” Harry must’ve noticed the way Louis’ face froze. “It’s not pity or anything. She just… It’s just…”

“No, it’s fine,” said Louis, ending Harry’s rambles for the second time. “I appreciate it especially from her.” 

“She misses you,” said Harry and Louis’s mouth fell open. “Shit, sorry. That was shitty. Ignore that,” said Harry blushing. “I mean, she does miss you, but that’s not something I can say... Sorry.” 

“Um…” said Louis, heart racing. He missed Anne like crazy too, but he felt that saying that would just make things worse. “Right. So, how’d you and Niall meet Liam?”

Harry visibly relaxed, “Geez, well I met him at the gym actually. We became friends and when he mentioned that he was looking for a flat, I offered because we had a spare room. He moved in last November and we all just got along well.” Louis nodded. “What about you and Zayn?”

“I met Zayn two years ago,” said Louis, awkwardly. _ A few months after we broke up, haha. _“Y’know Perrie? They were dating and she brought him when we went out and we just… got along. Perrie and him broke up but stayed friends so it was easy for us to become friends. I moved in with him early this year too but we’ve been talking about it for ages.” 

“You guys seem really close,” commented Harry. 

Louis hunched his shoulders and nodded shly. “He’s… my best friend. He’s really special to me, and he’s done so much for me too.” He thought about the years he had known Zayn- the ways he had changed Louis’ life and brought happiness to him in the midst of total darkness. Zayn was one of his most favorite people in the world. 

When he looked up, Harry was giving him a weird look. “So… you care a lot about him?”

“I mean, yeah…” said Louis, confused. “Of course I do. He’s amazing. He’s always there for me, why wouldn’t I care about him?”

Harry frowned but quickly smoothed out his face. “And what do you think about Liam and Zayn?”

Louis fidgeted, unsure where Harry was going with this. “I mean, they’re great together? Liam makes Zayn really happy and that’s all that matters.” He thought of Liam and Zayn. They had been getting progressively more and more serious, especially after Zayn had accompanied Liam back home to celebrate his birthday with his family. Zayn had called Louis post-party, completely giddy and joyful after Liam had told Zayn he loved him. Zayn and Liam loved each other and they were good together, so Louis was very confused to why Harry was acting so odd. Did he know? 

“Right,” said Harry eventually, still giving him that weird look. 

“Right,” repeated Louis, slightly defensive. Why was Harry acting like that!? “What about you? Do you like their relationship?”

“Yes,” said Harry simply. “I do.”

There was an awkward pause. “Okay?” said Louis, very confused. He didn’t understand why Harry was looking at him like that. He reached for his glass to take a sip of water.

“What about your boyfriend?” asked Harry. Louis choked on his sip of water, coughing loudly and cheeks turning red. “Are you okay?” 

Louis turned even more red, so fucking embarrassed. What the fuck! Harry looked concerned but he was probably thinking what a weirdo Louis was on the inside. Definitely too weird to be _ dating someone. What the fuck! _“I don’t have a boyfriend,” he said after a moment. “I mean- I’m okay.” The blush was definitely not going away soon. Before Harry could open his mouth, he adds, slightly irritated, “That’s kind of an inappropriate question to ask your ex.” 

Harry blinked, “You’re right, I’m sorry…” He hesitated. “I’m not dating anyone either. There, now we’re even.”

Louis pursed his lips, “I don’t think that’s how it works Harry.” Inside his heart was pounding. Harry was single. He knew Louis was single. He asked if Louis had a _ boyfriend _!

“How’d you even get that idea anyway?” he asked before he could second-guess himself or melt into a puddle of shame. “That I was dating someone?”

Harry shrugged, looking proper ashamed, “I just overheard something about you and some bloke named Danny.”

“Danny?” he said, confused. He didn’t know anyone named Danny. The realization struck him after a moment, eyes widening. “Ohhh, you're talking about Dana! She’s my friend and I call her 'Dani' sometimes. We're definitely not dating.” 

“Oh,” said Harry, frowning. “That makes sense.” He was still frowning a minute later when the waiter finally returned with their food. Louis didn’t understand what the fuck was going on in Harry’s brain. He wanted to ask why he looked upset and why he invited Louis to lunch in the first place- to “catch up” was a flimsy excuse. 

But instead, they fell into another silence as they began eating. 

-

Harry was internally freaking out. He was eating and so was Louis, both opting to be silent while eating instead of making more awkward conversation. 

Not that it could get any more awkward now that Harry had ruined things by asking if Louis had a boyfriend. You see, he was a tad bit confused. 

The way Louis was talking about Zayn, looking fond and defensive, made him think the man may or may not have feelings for his friend, unreciprocated and hidden feelings. The thought shocked (and maybe irritated) him. But then he remembered the elusive “Danny” and before he could calm down, he had blurted the inappropriate, off-limits question that no one should ask their ex… like ever.

He was embarrassed, of course he was. 

Also maybe a little relieved. 

He really didn’t want to analyze why though- he figured the result would scare him. 

Danny was really Dani, as in Dana- a woman. Which meant Louis would never be attracted to her. 

But there was still the case of Zayn. 

“Harry?” 

Harry snapped out of his worried thoughts, blinking in bewilderment. “Sorry, what?”

“I said you were right,” said Louis. Harry raised an eyebrow, lost. “About the food being good,” explained Louis, except Harry nearly missed it because his eyes caught on Louis’ delicate fingers playing with the tablecloth. 

“Hmm,” he said, because it was a safe response. 

“Are you almost done?”

Harry looked at his nearly empty plate, “I suppose so.”

Louis nodded, “We’re splitting the check?”

Harry opened his mouth to protest, but realized that arguments about splitting the check were not something he could have with Louis- this was a casual lunch with friends, splitting the check was a given for these sorts of things. He nodded instead. 

Harry waved over their waiter and they split the check. 

“Thanks for inviting me Harry, I had a nice time,” said Louis quietly. 

_ Did you really? _“Me too,” said Harry, smiling. “We should do this again sometime.” He hesitated, glancing down at the table for a moment before continuing, “I know I said we don’t have to be friends but… That was me being stupid. I would like to be friends Louis.”

Louis blinked, looking surprised and then pleased. “I’d like to be friends too.” 

Something settled inside him once Louis accepted his olive branch. Peace. Warmth. 

Hope. 

“Great,” said Harry. He smiled. “Good.”

“Good,” repeated Louis, smirking. 

Harry just blinked at him, losing himself at the little spark of mischief he saw in Louis’ lovely eyes. His heart ached. Shit. 

“What is it?” asked Louis, looking a little flustered due to Harry’s staring. A light pink flush rose on his cheeks. He looked so pretty, fuck. 

Harry shook his head, “Nothing. I zoned out there for a bit.”

“Happens,” said Louis, shrugging. He stood up. “Well, until next time Harold?” Louis flinched. Harry flinched. “Sorry, is that-”

“No!” exclaimed Harry, probably a little too loud. He lowered his voice and said gruffly, “Nicknames are a friend thing. Call me whatever you want.” “_ Call me whatever you want," jesus. Get a grip Styles! _

Louis nodded, eyes still a little wide. He messed with his fringe and Harry tore his gaze away, opting to stand up as well. They made an unspoken decision to walk to the front. The cool air of September weather greeted Harry, ruffling his hair which he automatically smoothed back. “Well, I’ll see you… soon I’m sure. Niall’s birthday is next week.”

“Yeah, we’re coming- wouldn’t want to miss Neil’s birthday,” confirmed Louis, smiling fondly. “Thanks Harry again. See you then.” He smiled but Harry didn’t notice. His eyes had wandered to Louis’ forearms where the sleeves of his jacket were riding up on his skin. A flash of those delicate wrists left his heart beating. And then- 

He barely managed to stop the gasp that rose in his throat from escaping and shattering the tentative peace that had developed between them. The shock currently raging through his system made it difficult. 

“Bye Louis,” he said, words tasting like sandpaper. His heart was pounding and he suddenly felt very, very cold. 

Louis smiled again, before turning and walking off, leaving Harry standing there, features still stiff in disbelief. 

His brain couldn’t process what had just happened- what he had just seen. 

He stumbled to a nearby bench, sitting down in a daze. What the fuck. 

Part of him wanted to believe that what he had seen was a mistake. Accepting that it was the truth made bile rise in his throat- it couldn’t be possible. He had to have imagined it. Except it didn’t make much sense, since Harry had seen it with his own eyes, in clear daylight. The image burning in his brain from first glimpse. 

What the fuck.

Not to mention he would never ever in a million dreams be capable of making up such a horrible thing. It was… unthinkable. That he could have conjured up the angry red lines that had marred the soft skin of Louis’ arm. 

Which meant they were real. 

Cuts. 

Cuts on Louis’ arm. Cuts on Louis. 

Cuts that couldn’t have come from anything but a blade- cuts so intentional and deliberate they couldn’t have come from anyone but Louis himself. 

The sick feeling was getting worse. Harry felt like he was going to throw up. He wanted to pinch himself until he woke up from what should be a nightmare. There’s no way Louis could intentionally- 

No. 

He buried his head in his hands, letting out a choked cry. He wanted to run after Louis and plead with him to explain- to make Harry understand _ why. _Why he would do something like that to himself. 

How long had this been going on? The thoughts wouldn’t stop racing around his head. Did Zayn know? Did _ anyone _know? 

Why? Why would he do such a thing? 

Now that he knew, he couldn’t help but reanalyze all encounters with the man over the past month- the bandage he had been wearing when they first reunited. The jackets and sweaters he was always wrapped in and Harry always assuming it was because he just got cold easily, never guessing they were meant to hide anything. 

Fuck. 

He gripped the edge of the bench, cool metal digging into his palms as he clung to it. How could Louis ever hurt himself? Was it because he was depressed? 

Or worse, did he think he deserved it? 

The possibilities were making him nauseous. 

How was he supposed to face Louis after this? Interact with him and pretend everything was fine when clearly nothing was fine. He’d probably burst into tears. 

The prediction proved not to be far off when Harry felt the wetness growing in his eyes. A single tear trailed down his cheek and he shuddered. 

What did he do now? 

-

**June 2008**

“What are those?” asked Calvin for the second time, voice deathly calm. His posture was rigid against the open doorway. There was an indescribable layer to his voice, something akin to horror or disbelief if he had to put a name to it. 

Louis sniffled, frozen in place. 

“Louis, what is that?” repeated Calvin, calm exterior cracking slightly to show the despair creeping in. “What is that?”

He ripped his gaze away, wincing at the pain in his arm. The blood was still dripping, showing no signs of stopping for a while. For a few minutes it was utterly silent in the room save for the little sniffles he was letting out, unable to suppress them. 

He flinched as Calvin staggered to him, dropping suddenly to his knees, face tight with horror and helplessness. “Why?”

He shrugged, focusing his gaze to the stained red razor that would forever bear evidence for what he had just done. He closed his eyes, still weeping. 

A hand gripped his shoulder, tight. “Louis, _ why?”. _Calvin punctuated the question by squeezing his shoulder. It would have hurt had Louis been able to feel anything at this point. 

The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was the blood staining his white sheets. He’d have to throw them out now, before his mum could see. All of this mess was because he was too impatient to wait until Fizzy was done with the shared bathroom so he could lock himself inside to do the deed. He hadn’t wanted to wait- too desperate to get rid of the war inside his brain. It was all too much for him. So he cut in his room, without locking his door, making it perfectly easy for Calvin to burst into the room, trying to get Louis to come out and play footie with the other lads. 

Terrible timing. 

“I don’t understand,” said Calvin after a while. “Why would you do this? Is this about the divorce? Or Luke?”

Louis winced. The truth was that it was a mixture of both- the pain and misery watching his parents grow farther and farther apart and the humiliation and worthlessness he felt after Luke, his longtime crush and friend, rejected him in front of everyone. But it wasn’t just that as he would come to terms with later. It was years of feeling insecure and lost. Years of struggling to accept his sexuality and identity. Years of pretending to be someone he wasn’t. Years of anxiety that he ignored and pushed down even though he knew that it was a monster that wouldn’t go away no matter how many times he ran from it. 

He was full-on sobbing when Calvin pulled him to his chest, seemingly indifferent to the blood smearing across his Oasis shirt. “Lou… Lou, it’s okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Louis whispered, head pressed into Calvin’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re okay,” said Calvin, rubbing his back. “You’re going to be okay.”

“I don’t… I don’t know what to do…”

“We’ll figure it out,” said Calvin firmly. “I love you so much Louis. You’re my best friend. I care about you. Your mum and dad care about you and that’s never going to change- even when they split.” Louis choked on a sob, hunching in Calvin’s grip. “They love you so much. And Luke’s an asshole.”

Louis whined.

“He is,” insisted Calvin. “You deserve better anyway.”

Louis wondered how many other people would agree. Luke was everything and Louis was hardly anything. A nobody at their school. His only friends were Calvin, Stan, and maybe Oli- the new guy at school who Stan had taken under his wing. He couldn’t help but wonder sometimes why they hung out with him when he was such a mess. 

“Lou,” said Calvin, cupping his face and meeting Louis’ tear filled eyes. “Promise me you’ll never do this again, okay? I know it’s hard and this may seem like it makes things better, but it’s only for a little while. And the whole time it’s just slowly tearing you apart, and one day there might be nothing left afterwards. And then we’ll all be devastated. So promise me Louis, don’t do something you’ll regret later.”

Louis sniffled, before nodding slowly. “This is only the second time I’ve done it,” he admitted, trying to decrease the damage. “I… I don’t even want to do it again. Fuck, Cal it _ hurts _. But everything hurts. I’m so messed up.”

“You’re not messed up. We’ll fix it,” said Calvin. And he sounded so confident that Louis almost believed him.

Later on after Calvin had helped him bandage up his arms and Louis had wiped away his tears, feeling a load off his back for the first time in months. “I’ll help you talk to your mum if you want,” Calvin said. 

Louis immediately started shaking his head, panic spreading inside him, “We can’t tell my mum!” 

“We have to,” said Calvin, frowning. “She’ll help you Lou.”

“I know,” said Louis. “But I don’t want to freak her out. She’s already so stressed with the divorce and so is Dad. She’ll be devastated Calvin, you were right. I can’t do this to her. She’ll blame herself.”

Calvin was still frowning, “What are you going to tell her about your ‘injuries’?”

“I’ll tell her I slipped playing footie, no biggie,” said Louis. “Promise me you won’t tell.”

Calvin looked very unsure, but he eventually nodded. “I promise… as long as you promise to talk to me whenever you start sinking like this again. Promise?”

“I promise,” said Louis. It didn’t end up being a difficult decision. Louis had never liked being alone especially when it was struggling alone, and he trusted Calvin with his life. “Thank you, really. Thank you. You’re right, I’m going to regret this one day.”

“Anytime Lou, and I mean it,” said Calvin, pulling Louis into another hug. He paused before, “One of my old friends used to cut herself too… I wasn’t able to help her.”

Louis squeezed his eyes shut, “Cal… I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” said Calvin. “It was a long time ago. But I’m not going to let that happen ever again, especially not to you.”

“I’m never going to do it again,” said Louis firmly. 

And back in Louis’ small bedroom on that hot summer afternoon, they both believed it. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think is going to happen now?


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello. A long one for you guys today: 6k.

**September 13th 2017**

“Tommo!” exclaimed Niall as they approached the roped off table area. Louis grinned at him. Zayn cleared his throat. “Oh, hey Zayn.”

Niall smiled right after though, showing he was only joking. Zayn huffed good-naturedly before rolling his eyes with a smile, “Happy Birthday Niall.”

“Happy Birthday,” echoed Louis, opting to lean in for a hug. Niall squeezes him back. 

“Thanks mates!” said Niall. He looked bright and content, even happier than usual and Niall was a pretty happy lad. He pointed to the bag in Louis’ hand, “You didn’t have to get me anything y’know?” 

“We know,” said Louis. Niall had assured him and Zayn multiple times but they still went out and got a giftcard to Nando’s and Louis purchased a pack of these personalized golf balls. He had to dig through a lot of old photos to find fitting pictures of Niall to choose for the balls. He had a feeling Niall would pretend to hate them and secretly adore them. He was also proud he was able to pick such a good gift despite the time that had passed since their friendship. Niall raised an eyebrow, gesturing to Zayn, “Is that beer I see?” 

Zayn held up the crate to confirm it and Niall whooped. “I’m getting drunk for the next week straight!” 

Louis thought that was a very bad idea but Niall could handle a good amount of alcohol so maybe he’d be alright. They were at a new club that Louis had never heard of- not that he was anywhere near an expert on the clubs in London, especially over the past year. But it looked like a good place- people dancing and mingling and no one getting too aggressive or crazy. 

Zayn immediately heads out to find Liam, leaving Louis alone with Niall. “Thank you guys for the gifts,” he said. “You didn’t have to.”

Louis shrugged, “We wanted to.” 

“Well all the beer is on me today,” said Niall boastingly. “Just tell the bartender you’re with Horan.” 

“I will abuse that as much as possible,” promised Louis. He wasn’t even kidding. He had decided that he would be drinking today. Zayn had been okay with him drinking for a while now but Louis had just finally began believing he deserved it. So he was going to let loose and have some fun for the first time in a long time. He deserved it. He knew he did. James would call it significant progress, and he probably will call it that when Louis informs him at his next session, wanting to proudly break the news to see his reaction. 

Niall cleared his throat, “So you and Harry went out for lunch?”

Louis blinked, surprised by the change in conversation, “Yeah, last Wednesday.”

Niall was giving him an indecipherable look and it made him feel strangely guilty. “How’d that go? Harry wouldn’t tell me anything.”

Louis hesitated, “It went pretty good.”

Niall looked doubtful, “Are you sure?” 

“Yeah…” said Louis. “Or at least I think it did.” He immediately winced, not meaning the second part to come out. 

Niall looks sympathetic, “Look, I know we’re not supposed to talk about it, but I understand this is weird as fuck for you and Harry. You don’t have to pretend for everyone’s sakes you know.”

“I know,” said Louis instantly, except he didn’t really. “Thanks Niall, I appreciate that, but it really did go okay. It was actually pretty nice.”

Niall smiled, “Nice? How so?” Louis recognized the look in his eyes for the trouble it meant. He narrowed his eyes at Niall. 

“Pleasant,” he stated firmly. “Nothing more, nothing less.”

Niall nods, “Okay, but remember that’s it’s, like, _ okay _if it you’re uncomfortable. It’s completely understandable actually.”

“Thanks Niall.”

“No problem,” Niall immediately grinned again. “You remember Barbara.”

Louis grinned, “Hmm, I think I might.”

Niall pulled him over to where the familiar figure of Barbara Palvin stands chatting with another woman who Louis didn’t know. Niall slid an arm around her waist and kissed her cheek, “Babe, it’s Lou.”

Barbara turned, half-startled and half-intrigued. She stopped abruptly when her eyes met Louis. He gave a hopeful smile and was relieved when she shrieked and attacked him a hug. “Louis Tomlinson! I haven’t seen you in _ years _!”

Louis chuckled, clutching helplessly at her very fashionable (because some things never changed) velvet dress. “It’s been a while,” he agreed. He pulled away but she kept a grip on his shoulders, meeting his eyes. 

“How are you?” she asked. 

Louis immediately guessed she knew about his mum which made him falter. He brushed it off and forced a smile, “Doing alright. Doing better.”

She smiled and hugged him again, “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Thank you,” said Louis, feeling all-a-sudden very emotional and very grateful. Niall and Barbara and even Harry all had the right to be cold and hostile to him, yet he had been met by nothing but kindness and open arms from all of them- well Niall and Barbara at least. Harry was nice to him in person but he hadn’t forgotten his true feelings. 

“Okay, let him go woman,” joked Niall, tugging at her sleeve. Barbara stepped back and retracted her arms, still beaming at Louis. “I need to introduce Louis to everyone else.”

“Oh boy,” said Louis and Barbara laughed. 

Niall rolled his eyes and took him by the arm, “This is Selena.” The woman- Selena- smiles at Louis and offers him a hand which he shakes, putting on his own smile. 

“Nice to meet you,” she said. 

“You too, I’m Louis,” he said. 

“Selena and I work similar shifts at the hospital,” explained Niall. “In fact, I have a few work colleagues around here: Shawn- he’s over there standing by the bar with Liam and Zayn.” Louis glanced over, nodding. “And Lewis, who’s probably causing trouble on the dancefloor.”

Louis smiled. 

“I also invited a few of my music friends,” said Niall. “Some of them work with Harry but I’m close with all of them.”

Louis nodded, internally freezing. Harry’s friends. What if it was someone he knew? What if it was someone he knew whom he didn’t like- or worse, who didn’t like him. 

“Here comes Taylor,” said Niall and their little group turned. Taylor, like… 

“Louis?” exclaimed Taylor as in Taylor Swift. Louis gasped before going in for a hug. “Oh my god, it is you!”

“Hey love,” greeted Louis, beaming at the blonde. 

“You two know each other?” asked Niall. 

“Yeah I’ve known Louis for two years,” said Taylor. “I didn’t know you guys knew each other.”

“This is a great surprise,” said Louis honestly. He felt much more relaxed now that he knew more than just Niall and Barbara to talk to since they’d be making the rounds and Zayn and Liam would be busy with themselves. 

As if reading his mind, Taylor linked arms with him, “C’mon let’s get you a drink.”

He followed happily. “I listened to your new single a few weeks ago.” He paused to raise an eyebrow, “Very edgy stuff. But I loved it.”

She beamed, “Thanks Lou, it’s definitely a change but it needed to be done.”

He nodded, sympathetic. “Zayn told me about all the shit you’ve been going through, I’m so sorry love.”

She waved him off, “It sucks, but I’m not going to let them win. Not ever.”

“That’s the spirit!” replied Louis, squeezing her arm. 

They get some beers and sat on the stools, still chatting about what’s been going on since they had last seen each other. 

He hadn’t seen Taylor since mid-November of last year due to… what had happened. Even then, Gigi and Zayn had broken up in October which put a strain on the group friendship even though it was a mutual breakup that ended on good terms (both Zayn and Gigi deciding to still be friends and continue to be partners at their art classes, etc). So meetups grew more sparse, but still frequent. However, after the events of December, meetups pretty much stopped, at least for Zayn and Louis- Gigi, Taylor, Cara, Sara, and their other friends obviously all met up still. He suddenly felt guilty. He had pretty much avoided all of his friends except for Zayn and occasionally Calvin after everything, abandoning his other friendships and choosing to isolate and pity himself even in recovery. He felt the full regret envelop him now. 

“Hey listen,” he said, wanting to address it because he was sure Taylor was avoiding the topic just to be nice. Taylor looked at him, curious. “I know we haven’t seen each other in a really long time, any of you guys actually, and I just want to say it’s completely my fault. And I’m so sorry. I was dealing with… personal issues. Not that it’s justification. I neglected so many of my friendships and probably left all of you very confused and maybe hurt,” he paused to take a weight breath. “I understand if you don’t want-”

“Nonsense,” interrupted Taylor. Her eyes widened, “Sorry! I just don’t want you to think that at all- none of us are mad Louis, we know and we understand.”

“You… know?” asked Louis. 

She nodded, looking a little ashamed, “Not everything obviously. But Zayn told Gigi you were dealing with some tough shit and we all completely understand. I’m glad you’re doing better though, it means we can go back to hanging out more.”

Louis nodded. He wondered if he should feel annoyed that Zayn, and even Niall, were just telling everyone about his struggles but he couldn’t find it in himself to be mad- in fact, he was even relieved. Zayn salvaged his friendship with a lot of people he cared about after all. And Niall just told Barbara, and despite the two and a half year gap since they had seen each other, he still trusted her with his life. “Thanks Taylor, really.”

“Of course,” said Taylor. “Just remember that if you ignore me again I’ll write a song about it,” she joked, rolling her eyes. 

Louis grimaced in solidarity. He had seen some of the stuff the media said about Taylor, all complete bullshit. And her management just lets it happen. In fact, sometimes they even push the agenda. He took a large gulp of beer, and yelled angrily, “The music industry is shit!”

“It’s trash!” yelled Taylor, eyes wide and head tilted back. “Sexist, corrupt bullshit!”

They took shots and continued cursing out the music industry through their drunken giggles. Louis hadn’t felt this free in a long time. Which is why when Taylor yelled at him to come and dance, he agreed, following her out into the dancefloor. 

They joined Niall and Barbara who were swaying together in the middle of the floor, ignoring the fast paced music in favor of slow dancing and lovingly looking into each other’s eyes. Niall had a paper crown sitting crookedly on his head and Barbara was smiling into his shoulder. Of course, Louis and Taylor had to dance absolutely ridiculously around them, resulting in both of the lovebirds to pull apart in hysterics. 

Louis felt young again, like he was 21 again, or even 24, back when life was simple and he was happier and could bear to see himself in the mirror. 

Before he knew it, he was slipping into that hazy state, alcohol making his brain fuzzy and his movements more languid and smooth. Louis had always been a good dancer, he knew that for sure. He knew how to move his body and even though it had been ages since he had last danced, in a club no less, the instincts were returning to him and he was dancing like nothing had ever happened. He let his eyes fall shut and just let go. 

A few minutes later he felt a heavy gaze on him. He opened his eyes and turned, freezing when he made eye contact with Harry who was standing near the booths, watching the crowd with a beer poised to his lips. Their eye contact burned and Louis snapped his gaze away, a blush rising in his cheeks. His heart was racing and he suddenly felt very self-conscious. 

He knew he’d have to see him eventually and probably even talk to him, yet no amount of anticipation could ever prepare him for Harry Styles. It was a fact that he was just going to have to accept. Even worse, he looked so fucking sexy with his sheer black shirt and long legs clad in tight black jeans. It was a very Harry club outfit, one he had seen many variations of when they were dating. If they were still together then right now Louis would probably be dancing with Harry, chests close and hands roaming, sweat coating his skin. Or maybe he’d be grinding on him, Harry’s big hands on his hips, head leaning over his shoulder to bite at his skin and whisper praises into his ear that never failed to make Louis blush. Dirty, dirty dancing that led to them making quick escapes back to their flat for lots and lots of sex. 

Fuck. 

“Oh, it’s Harry,” said Taylor, who had followed Louis’ gaze. She was completely oblivious to the sudden rigidness in his movements. “Haven’t seen him in a little while. Hot, isn’t he? I should introduce you guys, he’s exactly your type.”

Louis laughed awkwardly. If only she knew. 

“Still not dating?” asked Taylor. “You know Sara and I could get you laid in a second.” Oh, Louis knew, he definitely knew, having witnessed their skills many times in the past. 

“Thanks but no thanks, not now,” said Louis. _ Not ever. _

The thought came into his mind. He had long ago accepted that he would never find love again, deciding to just give up. However, the idea was beginning to bother him more and more. Louis was definitely not the one to be alone, he needed companionship and love from people. Having a significant other has been what he’s dreamed about since he was little- someone who loved and cherished him, who took care of him, who was always there for him. 

He wasn’t so sure he wanted to give that up anymore. 

Character development, as Zayn would say. 

Not that he was ready for Taylor and Sara to get him laid or anything. He wasn’t even ready to go on a date yet… But maybe one day he would be. 

His mind went back to Harry. 

If Harry could move on, maybe one day Louis could too. 

-

Harry was drunk. 

Not drunk to the point where he couldn’t speak coherently or walk in a straight line, but definitely limb-loosening, mind-fogging, filter-erasing drunk. 

He had been making the rounds, stopping to chat with Liam and Zayn, and then Shawn, Lewis, Selena, and all of Niall’s other friends. The entire time, he couldn’t stop himself from scanning the crowd, eyes always inevitably falling on Louis. 

He kept thinking of the scars. The cuts. The fact that Louis had deliberately hurt himself- it fucking broke his heart. He wanted to scream at him, probably would scream at him if he wasn’t clinging to his last bits of sober self-control. 

Mostly, he was avoiding him. 

He knew the moment Louis and him were a few feet away from each other, he’d just blurt it out. And that would be disastrous in such a busy club. Which meant he needed to talk to Louis alone. 

Getting that to happen however, would be difficult. He watched as Louis and Taylor, who he was surprised to see look so comfortable together (he wondered how long they’d known each other) headed to the dance floor. 

“Hey,” said an unfamiliar sultry voice. He turned to see an admittedly very attractive guy who was not subtle about looking him up and down, eyes lingering somewhere near his groin. “You look lonely standing here all by yourself, wanna dance?”

“No thanks,” said Harry, smiling politely. 

The man ran a hand up his arm, caressing his skin and squeezing his bicep, “Are you sure? I’ll show you a good time, promise.”

“I’m sure you would, but not today, sorry,” apologized Harry, gently taking a step back. The man pouted, but thankfully walked off. Harry sighed. Normally he’d accept such an offer, however the idea of dancing with someone right now made him vaguely nauseous. He didn’t want to analyze the reason for this. 

Instead, his gaze once again wandered to Louis, eyes latching onto his delicate frame like a magnet. He was now dancing and _ fuck. _Embarrassment overwhelmed him as his pants suddenly felt a lot tighter than before, mind skimming through many memories of raunchy dancing and grinding… 

Jesus Christ. 

He took a deep breath, exhaling right as Louis turned and met his gaze. Harry couldn’t move his eyes away, hypnotized by the sweaty glow Louis was radiating beautifully, the brightness of his eyes, the way his fringe stuck to his forehead. He was so fucking gorgeous, it wasn’t fair. 

Louis turned away but not before Harry caught the blush on his face. His heart was pounding. He needed some air. 

He watched Louis for a little while longer, maybe admiring his arse for a second, before taking another sip of his beer and turning away. He froze, eyes immediately meeting Zayn. 

Time was at a standstill as Zayn stared at Harry, lips pursed in a frown and expression otherwise unreadable. Guilt rose in him, though he wasn’t sure why. Harry was drunk and Louis was pretty pretty pretty, it wasn’t like he wasn’t going to notice. He nodded to Zayn, deciding to pretend as if he hadn’t just been caught checking out Zayn’s best friend’s hot bod- who also happened to be Harry’s ex-boyfriend, yikes. 

He awkwardly walked away, feeling too overwhelmed with everything. 

Once again, he ended up at the bar where he talked to Barbara and her friend Jayda for a little bit before everyone gathered around the booth table to sing Happy Birthday to Niall and eat the cake Harry helped Barbara make. 

“Holy shit,” said Niall when he saw the three layer cake decorated like the flag of Ireland. “Uh babe, when I said I would eat Ireland, I was making a metaphor,” he joked. 

Barbara shoved him but he kissed her right after, thanking her heartfully. 

Harry watched out of the corner of his eye as Louis and Taylor arrive at the table. Louis is leaning mostly on Taylor, head on her shoulder. This is how Harry knew he was drunk- Louis was a very clingy drunk which Harry used to love. “Zayn, darling!” exclaimed Taylor, reaching out to hug him. Louis pouted cutely when Taylor moved away from him, crossing his arms adorably. 

“Hey love,” said Zayn, smiling. 

“I was just telling Lou that I better see you guys back at Gigi’s for girl’s night in two weeks,” she said sternly. 

“Girl’s night?” said Liam, eyebrows raised. His mouth twitched like he was trying to hold in a smile. “Like mani-pedis, facials, and chick flicks?”

“Be sarcastic, I dare you _ Payno _,” said Louis sassily. He had moved over to lean onto Zayn who slid an arm around him to keep him upright. Harry’s eyes were fixed at their point of contact, mind flitting back to the possibility that Louis may be in love with Zayn. “You’ll be sorry when you get wrinkles at 30.” 

“And chick flicks are the holy grail,” added Zayn, hand sliding to grip at Louis' hip. Harry frowned. “We’ll be there Tay, I’ll let Gigi know.”

“Great,” exclaimed Taylor happily. 

“Lovely people, are you ready?” asked Niall once everyone else had arrived. They all hummed their responses. “Okay now sing about me!”

Barbara rolled her eyes and shoved him away again, but she started singing right after. Random people around them joined in the singing despite not knowing any of them and when they got to the part where you clarify who’s birthday it was, a chorus of different things ranging from “Niall,” “Nialler,” “Neil,”, “Asshole,” (that was Barbara), or “Stranger,” (that was some random dude who was half-drunk and hanging out on the fringes of their gathering). 

They all cheered and Niall was accosted with hugs, grinning like a madman. 

Eventually they all dispersed again. Harry noticed Louis mention something to Taylor before heading off in the direction of the bar. Before he knew what he was doing, he was following, dodging a group of very enthusiastic but tipsy college girls and nearly stepping on some poor soul who passed out. 

Louis was leaning up against the counter, looking like a vision in black jeans and a white shirt, rattling off his order to the bartender. Harry realized he was still holding a drink that was still half full which would be suspicious, so he quickly downed it- figuring things couldn’t get worse than they already were going to be. “Make that two,” he interrupted. The bartender nodded before moving away. He slid up next to Louis in a way that felt all too familiar. Trying his best to quell rapid pounding of his heart, he turned to Louis. “Hey.”

Louis glanced at him, smiling which was a good sign, “Harold.”

Harry grinned at the nickname, feeling something flutter inside him. He ignored it and instead turned completely so he was facing Louis and leaning against the counter on his side. “I didn’t know you knew Taylor.”

Louis nodded, “For a couple of years now. She’s friends with Zayn’s ex and we all used to hang out regularly.” 

“Cool,” said Harry after a beat. His eyes wandered to Louis’ covered arms. He was wearing a denim jacket but it didn’t do anything to quell Harry’s frantic thoughts. Glimpses of the red scares he had seen flashed through his head. He wondered if Louis had cut again recently. If Zayn had any idea. Should he bring it up?

“Did she tell you about it?” asked Louis. Harry blinked, suddenly realizing Louis said something else that he had missed because he was distracted. 

“Sorry, what?” 

Louis smirked at him, amused. “I _ said, _‘Lottie told me that she and Gemma went out to lunch a few days ago, caught me by surprise. She said she wanted to catch up and I was wondering if you knew about this?”

Harry raised an eyebrow, genuinely surprised. Gemma had mentioned her plans for reconnecting with Lottie but he didn’t realize she was going to dive straight into it, “No I did not.” He waited a beat before adding, “I’m glad.”

Louis smiled softly, “Me too. I feel like they sacrificed their friendship for our sakes and that makes me sad.”

He nodded in agreement. “Since we’re friends now, they can go back to being the trouble twins.” He cursed himself silently, wondering if referencing that inside joke was a step too far but Louis just chuckled. 

“She didn’t tell me much but I have a feeling you’re right.”

Harry grinned at Louis, forgetting whatever he was going to respond with. Louis looked so soft and content, all smiles and crinkly eyes, buzzing from the alcohol. Happy. Which is what he should always be. Harry found himself catching his breath, mesmerized by Louis’ effortless beauty and presence. Enchanted by the look of pure contentedness and freedom radiating from this beautiful boy. His eyes wandered to his face, his delicate features. Harry remembered thinking Louis was almost like a fairy when he first saw him. Sharp cheekbones, soft golden skin, constellations of light freckles that dotted his skin. Everything about him was pretty. 

It took him a second to realize he was leaning in, drawn to Louis’ aura like he always had been. There were mere inches between their faces. Louis was looking at him with barely concealed surprise… but there was also a hint of what looked like _ longing. _ Longing Harry felt mirrored in himself. Harry met Louis’ eyes, wide, bright and blue. The sky, the sea, all of it had _nothing_ on the blue of Louis Tomlinson’s eyes. 

Eyes that were fluttering closed, long eyelashes brushing against the darkness of his under eyes. He was an angel. A literal angel. Harry reached out, fingers brushing the line of his jaw. Louis gasped- a quiet little inhale that sent tingles down Harry’s spines. He felt fearless, emboldened with liquid courage and almost blinded by his desire and aching to touch, to feel. 

Louis licked his lips, drawing Harry’s eager attention to his soft, pink lips. “Lou,” he whispered, so quietly it weaved almost completely in with the background hum of the club around them. The club that faded to a blur around them. Louis’ lips parted, leaning closer. Harry followed, an invisible magnet pulling him closer and closer. There was a quiet nagging in his head, telling him this was a very bad idea, but he ignored it. He couldn’t deny himself anymore. He couldn’t deny the feelings that had risen up every since that July afternoon. He was still a fool for this boy, even after all this time. Was he doing this? Yes, yes he was. He leaned in, ducking his head and reaching forward. 

The loud clatter of drinks being set on the counter in front of them snapped them apart. Harry winced as his ribs made contact with the hardwood surface. He glared at the oblivious bartender who immediately left to assist another customer. Louis stood up abruptly, “I have to go.” 

He watched helplessly as his angel flew away. 

-

**September 27th 2013**

“Lou?” 

Louis sat up abruptly, entire body shaking. He cried out into the silent room. Tears were streaming down his face. It was completely dark. A hand gripped his shoulder and he shrieked, thrashing in the sheets. 

Sheets. 

Bed. 

“Lou, love, wake up,” said the voice. Harry. He immediately slumped, his breathing still erratic and heart racing. He easily sunk into Harry’s arms when he reached for him, falling pliant. “Baby what happened?”

He closed his eyes, shaking his head and whimpering. 

“Louis,” said Harry gently, concern dripping from his voice. His hold on Louis tightened and Louis buried his head in Harry’s neck, trying to calm down. He felt the gentle press of Harry’s lips against his temple.

“I-” he croaked, voice cracking. He sniffled. 

Harry didn’t press, just gently rubbed his back, resting his head on Louis’. “Shhh, it’s okay darling, I’m here.”

Louis squeezed his eyes shut, more tears falling at Harry’s steady promise. He opened his mouth to speak, but couldn’t get the words out. He exhaled against Harry’s bare collarbone. 

“I’m going to turn on the lights,” warned Harry. Louis nodded, keeping his eyes shut to protect his vision as one warm hand momentarily left the nape of his neck to flick the switch. Louis winced as the light bled through his closed eyelids. But he already felt calmer. 

“I just,” he tried, frustrated with his closed up throat. “Bad dream.”

“D’ya wanna talk about it?” he asked quietly. “Or we can talk about it tomorrow.”

“No,” whispered Louis. “It’s just. It’s stupid really.”

“It’s not stupid. It can’t be if it’s making you this upset,” said Harry sadly. “You can tell me anything.”

Louis hesitated before nodding. He opened his eyes, blinking at the dim light. Harry was looking at him with so much concern and worry that Louis felt ashamed, “I’m sorry for waking you.”

“Hey, no,” said Harry, frowning. He cupped Louis’ face, staring into his eyes with his intense gaze. “Waking up to you is never a chore, no matter what time of day, or night, it is.” Louis somehow blushed, despite his previous distress. Harry’s blunt affection would always make him shy. 

He cleared his throat, “It was about my ex. The dream.” He glanced up Harry, desperate to see his reaction. Afraid of what he may find.

Harry was looking at him with so much patience and encouragement. He nodded at Louis, “Take your time angel.”

Louis hesitated again before shyly grabbing for Harry’s hands. Harry intertwined their fingers and squeezed gently, keeping his full attention on Louis. He felt very naked all of a sudden. Both he and Harry slept half-naked anyways, but he didn’t mean that type of naked. He meant the vulnerable type. Like he was exposed. 

“Um, I don’t- I haven’t really talked about it, but our relationship did not… end well,” he said quietly. He squirmed slightly before continuing, “He, uh, cheated on me.”

Harry’s little gasp made Louis wince. 

“I caught him with one of our friends,” admitted Louis. He looked down at his lap. “I forgave him.” It comes out in a whisper.

Harry was completely silent. 

“This is the part where you tell me I was being stupid,” said Louis self-deprecatingly. 

“Lou, no,” said Harry, kissing his forehead. “You’re not stupid. That guy is a fucking asshole, but you should never apologize for forgiveness, even if it isn’t deserved.” 

Louis sniffled, “It’s not that I even wanted to stay with him after that, it’s just…” His eyes welled up again and he let go of Harry’s hands to cover his face, crying again. 

Harry pulled him into his lap, wrapping him in warmth and kissing the top of his head. “It’s okay Lou, you don’t have to finish right now.”

“No,” breathed Louis. “I have to. I _ want _to.”

Harry nodded, “Whenever you’re ready.”

He took a deep breath before continuing, voice much quieter and more reserved. “I guess looking back, our relationship was kind of toxic. I never really realized until after, how badly he treated me.”

Harry stiffened. 

“He didn’t like abuse me,” said Louis quickly. “Well, physically.”

“Lou…”

“It’s okay Hazza,” he assured him, “I promise. It’s like... he would make these comments. These hurtful comments which he played off as jokes when I got upset, or worse, just acted like I was overreacting or being too sensitive.” He paused, shuddering at the memories. “We dated for eight months and Perrie was telling me after we broke up, she was telling me that over those eight months I changed so much. I stopped talking a lot. I stopped making jokes because Aidan- that’s his name- told me I wasn’t that funny. I, um, had a lot of insecurities too that he made me feel bad about.” His volume dipped even further, Harry having to lean in close to here. “He used to… make fun of how I never went to the gym.” He stopped abruptly, rubbing his eyes. 

Harry traced circles on his hand, jaw tensed but face completely concentrated on Louis. He took another deep breath. It’s Harry, just here. He ducked his head, “He made me feel insecure about certain parts of my body… like my tummy.” He blushed because he was still embarrassed about it. It was pudgy and no matter what he’s tried in the past, it never goes away. 

“I love your tummy,” said Harry, frowning. In fact he looked very indignant about all of it, lips pursed like he was holding back from cursing out Louis’ ex. 

Louis blushed harder because he sounded genuine. 

“I just… He made me feel small,” admitted Louis. “And like I wasn’t good enough. He made me feel like dating me was a _ burden. _”

This was the key part. Harry knew it too. He had listened to Louis confess how his worst fear was being a burden- to his mum and family, to friends, to Harry. He had reassured Louis many times that he would never be a burden, that people were lucky to have him in their lives. He did the same now. “You’re not a burden baby,” he said firmly. He kissed his forehead again, “Never. You're such a beacon of light to everyone around you Lou, I can't even explain it. You always brighten my day and all of our friends' day. You put your all in every single relationship- people feel _heard_ when you talk to them." He was speaking so earnestly, like he was desperate to make Louis understand. "You’re _ everything _.” 

Louis let out a choked sound, “Harry… Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Just being you,” said Louis lamely. Harry smiled at him nonetheless, dimples winking at him. He felt much lighter. “I guess Aidan kind of fucked me up. When he cheated, he tried to manipulate me into thinking it was my fault.” Harry glared at that. “That I drove him to do it because… I wasn’t enough.” His voice cracked at the end. _ You just aren’t enough for me anymore. _

“Baby…” said Harry softly. “You are enough. You’re incredible, absolutely incredible.”

Louis smiled weakly before admitting shyly, “When you say stuff like that Haz, I believe you.”

Harry grinned at him, “I’m glad, since all of it is true.”

“I don’t feel like that anymore,” he said after a long lapse of silence in which they just sat in mutual contentment. Louis no longer felt sad or heavy. He felt relieved. Harry looked at him inquisitively. Louis looked at his lap, still so shy. “Like I’m not enough. Like I don’t deserve love. I know I do. I remember having this epiphany. It had only been the day after New Years, and I had forgiven him for cheating and for saying... those hurtful things, as long as he promised to be better. I was just so afraid that if I lost him, there'd be no one else who'd want me. I believed him when he said I wasn't enough for people. But then we were having lunch and well... He had just made this stupid comment about my outfit that really hurt and instead of ignoring it like I usually did, I just... kind of lost it. I realized he wasn't actually going to change like I wanted. So I broke up with him. That was ages ago, but sometimes it just comes back to me. Sometimes I just fall back into that toxic mindset where I second-guess everything. Or I remember his words and I feel worthless again.”

Harry squeezed him gently. 

“You always make me feel better though,” said Louis quietly. When he looked up, Harry was looking at him with so much fondness and affection, maybe even _ love. _It didn’t seem so outrageous. Louis already knew he loved Harry. They had been dating for eight months now but Louis was already certain. He loved Harry. Their relationship was unconventional in a lot of ways. Harry was practically moved in at this point. He still slept at his dorm most of the times on weekdays (staying with Louis completely on weekends) but the amount of times he’s broken that routine has been increasing with every week. 

They were so domestic it was quite honestly sickening, but Louis loved it. Loved him. 

“Hey listen, are you busy tomorrow?” asked Harry suddenly, eyes glinting with excitement. 

Louis furrowed his brows, “No? I don’t think so.”

Harry pulled Louis down until they were laying down again. He held Louis to his chest with an arm around his waist. “I want to spend the day with you.”

“We do that all the time,” said Louis, smiling in confusion. His fingers found their way into Harry’s curls, Harry’s eyes shutting in pure bliss the way they always did when Louis played with his hair. 

Harry shook his head, “Not like this. I’m planning everything, you’ll just come with me.”

“For what?” Louis asked, narrowing his eyes. 

“To celebrate what a great person you are,” said Harry seriously. “And to show you how much you mean to me.”

Louis’ heart fluttered, “Harry-”

He shook his head again, “Nope. I’m going to take care of everything, just you wait Lou, it’s going to be amazing.”

“I’m sure it is,” said Louis seriously. Because if Harry was behind it, Louis had no doubts it would be amazing. “If this is what you want.”

“It is,” said Harry. He brushed Louis’ fringe out his eyes, “All I want is for you to see yourself the way I see you.”

Louis flushed, feeling very shy. He nodded. “I’ll try.” 

Harry looked happy with that answer, temporarily detaching himself from Louis to turn off the light. He snuggled closer to Louis again, and Louis fit his head into the crook between his neck and shoulder, the place he felt the safest, and sighed. _ I love you _he thought. He was going to tell him soon. 

“Goodnight,” whispered Louis. 

“Sweet dreams, angel,” Harry whispered back. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are happening folks! I hope you've been enjoying the insight you got into Louis' life before Harry- or maybe not since it's pretty much all been depressing. It's important though! Sorry for the cliffhanger by the way :)
> 
> Also, I love Taylor Swift so obviously I had to bring her back, sorry not sorry.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys we are getting closer and closer to the finish line (we're about two-thirds or more into the story!)
> 
> Also, I want to apologize for being about 14 hours later than I normally am for posting- I literally fell asleep. That's what happens when you're a sleep deprived student. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**September 16th 2017**

Harry sighed. There was a crick in his neck from the uncomfortable position he had been sitting in for the past few hours. He felt a mixture of exhaustion and adrenaline fighting for dominance within him. 

He spent another minute stretching out his neck muscles before closing his notebook and standing up. He studied the worn out leather with a frown, guilt weighing down on him. Harry just finished writing not one, but _ three _new songs. 

This hasn’t happened in _ months. _

He hadn’t so much as written a simple stanza in ages- no matter how many sessions he had, how many different songwriters he worked with, yet he did it so easily over the course of these past couple of days. By himself. In his room. 

It was a miracle. 

Well, not a miracle exactly. His frown grew and so did his guilt. Because the reason he had been able to write any of these songs was because of a burst of inspiration- a resurgence of motivation and meaning. 

That, and the complexity of emotion that’s been simmering in his soul ever since Niall’s birthday party. 

Yeah, “burst of inspiration” was another code word for “Louis Tomlinson”. 

And Harry was fucking furious about it. 

He had spent months- months!- in a rut. A writing slump, if you will. He had no words to give whenever Donna reminded him of his upcoming deadline, no lyrics or melody to offer. And all of the sudden he’s a fucking wordsmith, pouring out lyrics like it’s vodka. 

And it’s because of Louis? The boy-

Man. The man who broke his heart? Who he almost kissed at Niall’s party? And who is still wished he could have kissed at Niall’s party? 

What the fuck. 

“Harry!!!” yelled Niall and Harry jumped. 

“I’m coming,” replied Harry, shoving his notebook under his bed (even though Niall and Liam would never betray his privacy like that, he liked to hide it) and heading to the living room where Niall and Liam were waiting- Liam texting (probably Zayn) and Niall crossing his arms and tapping his foot exaggeratedly. 

“Calm down,” said Harry as Niall raised his eyebrows at him. 

“We were supposed to leave five minutes ago,” huffed Niall. 

Harry scoffed. “Drama queen much?”

Niall gave him an exasperated look like _ have you met me? _

“He’s right to be fair,” said Liam and Harry gasped. 

“Leeeyum,” he said dramatically, pouting. “I am hurt by this show of favoritism.”

“Now who’s the drama queen,” teased Niall. 

“Let’s just go,” said Harry faux-grumpily. 

They went. Harry drove with Liam in shotgun. Niall still leaned as far as he could from the backseat and manned the music, forcing Harry to endure *NSYNC for the entirety of the car ride. Don’t get him wrong, Bye Bye Bye was absolutely iconic, but there is a time and place for *NSYNC as well as a right mindset- a mindset Harry wasn’t currently in. 

Because the mindset he was in was called worryingaboutseeingLouisagainbecauseofthesmallfactthattheyalmostaccidentallykissedataparty. 

It’s slightly complicated, and Harry was feeling slightly anxious for this little outing. Zayn invited them all out for complimentary dinner at Sally’s which was closed off for a dinner party (because they were the type of place to offer that). 

It was also the reason Harry was in slacks and a button down (that wasn’t actually fully buttoned down, because… well _ have you met him? _). Their dinner wasn’t meant to be formal but Harry would feel odd dressed casual when the rest of the restaurant was filled with suits and dresses. Niall and Liam seemed to have the same idea, decked out to the nines. 

Harry took a moment, allowing Liam and Niall to overtake him in entering the restaurant, so he could give himself a last minute lecture: _ Don’t be awkward. Ignore Louis. Don’t you dare blurt out that you know about his self-harm. _

Easy peasy. Except not at all. 

It’s been bothering him more and more as time went on. All he could think about as he lay in bed trying to fall asleep was _ why _Louis would hurt himself. Was it his insecurities? Did something happen to him? Or was it just about his mum? Who’s helping him? Does Zayn know? Is he still doing it? Is he doing anything else. 

That last one scared him the most. He remembered noticing that Louis only had a single slice of pizza that one time he and Zayn slept over. And how he had a smaller salad when they had lunch. That paired with the fairly obvious fact that Louis is definitely a lot skinnier than Harry remembered. He had always had delicate, pretty features (something Harry loved), but now he couldn’t help but worry that he was veering too far from dainty and delicate, and too close to _ fragile _. 

Because Louis Tomlinson was not fragile. He was loud, loud, loud, and strong like no one Harry had ever known. Despite his smaller stature, he always took up so much space with his big eyes, big personality, and big heart. And Harry was afraid that he was shrinking, and that one day he’d ultimately fade away. 

The thought struck him in his core and almost sent him stumbling to the floor. 

He took a deep breath, banishing those sorts of thoughts for another time, before finally entering the restaurant. 

It was almost impressive how much the normally casual and homey space was transformed to a fine end event location for the business moguls of the area. The tables had been moved around and dressed up in cream tablecloths. The light was dim, casting a warm glow over the expanse, and waiters/waitresses glided around the room dressed in matching fancy outfits. 

Harry observed the many groups of people chatting, before catching sight of Niall eagerly waving him to a somewhat-separated table. He smiled and joined the others at their table. He took the final seat between Niall and Louis. 

Louis. 

He too was dressed up in a cerulean button-down that made his eyes bluer than usual. And usually, they were very blue. 

“Hi guys,” he said in greeting. 

“Hey Harry,” said Zayn. 

“Hi,” said Louis softly and Harry had to physically force himself not to smooth out the lines of thinly veiled distress on his face. He looked uncomfortable. Like Harry made him uncomfortable. The possibility made him feel dizzy with regret and guilt. 

“This place looks crazy different,” commented Niall. “If someone tries to talk to me about the stock market or worse, _ taxes _, I’m flipping this table over.” 

“Fun,” said Zayn dryly. “But you’re telling my boss.”

“Damn this exclusive menu looks really expensive,” mused Liam. 

“Good thing we don’t have to pay shit,” quipped Louis.

Niall gasped, “That means I can buy as much food as possible!”

Harry groaned, “I am _ not _cleaning up after you when you inevitably spend the next 24 hours sick because you’re a bloody idiot.”

Niall stuck his tongue out at Harry who shook his head, biting back a smile. He would be cleaning up after Niall no matter how much he complained about it. He had been doing it for years and he’d be doing it for more years to come. They both knew it. 

Time passed relatively quickly. Harry did his best to ignore Louis while also not making it obvious. They ordered their food and it arrived very quickly. The waitress helping unload the variety of delicious dishes from a cart was familiar- Annie if he recalled correctly. 

“Hey guys,” she said happily. “Lou! I haven’t seen you in ages!” She even went as far to hug him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Louis chuckled. 

“It’s been like, two weeks,” he said. 

“Two weeks too long,” said Annie, pouting. “I miss my favorite lovebirds.” 

Harry blinked because, um, _ lovebirds _? 

Zayn rolled his eyes, “Yeah, yeah.”

Harry was very confused. Was she talking about Liam and Zayn? Harry glanced at the former who seemed unbothered and relaxed. He glanced at Niall who was wearing a matching expression of confusion. Their eyes met and Harry exchanged bewilderment with the Irishman. 

Annie finished setting out the plates and then she disappeared, leaving Harry answerless. Conversation continued and Harry found himself relaxed after a while. No confrontations yet which was a good sign. If Louis Tomlinson wanted to confront you, he’d do it, and you’d have nothing to do except take it. Thankfully, it seemed that they were both pretending like the almost-kiss that transpired between the two of them never happened at all. 

That was fine with Harry. 

Absolutely fine. 

“Um excuse me?” asked a voice right as Harry felt someone tap his shoulder. He turned to see a sheepish young woman in a black cocktail dress holding her phone. “Can you take a picture of me and my husband please?”

“Sure,” he said, smiling. He stood up and followed the woman to a man who must be her husband. They posed and Harry took his time to take some good photos of them, wanting to be helpful and make them happy they picked him out of anyone else there to take a picture of them. 

When they were oo-ing and ah-ing over the photos he took and after he brushed off compliments over his skill, he took a few more pictures, this time with some other people joining the group. All of them were really impressed with his pictures even though they weren’t anything special. He was using an iPhone and the lighting was mediocre at best. However, hearing their praise lit something inside of him. It had been so long since he had properly taken any photos of anything, which was honestly kind of tragic now that he thought about it. 

He considered photography to be in his top three talents: singing, baking, and photography. The last time he pulled out his Canon was around six months ago on his birthday when Niall, Liam, and him went camping- well glamping more like it. Had he really abandoned it that long? 

He returned to the table, so distracted in his thoughts that he didn’t notice Louis staring at him inquisitively, “Do you still take photos professionally?”

Harry almost jumped at the unexpected question. When he glanced at Louis, he looked genuinely curious as to what Harry’s answer was. The other boys were deep in a conversation about Zayn’s art, leaving Louis and Harry alone to talk. 

So much for avoiding each other as much as possible. 

“Um, not professionally,” he admitted hastily. “I… I haven’t actually taken any serious photos in a while, might have to change that. I don’t really know why, it just hasn’t happened in a long time.”

Louis nodded, “I get what you mean. I haven’t really played piano in a long time. I mean- part of it is just grief I guess,” he paused to smile sadly. Harry ached as he was once again reminded of Jay’s passing. “Part of it may also be that I don’t have access to a piano in London.”

“That may have something to do with it,” said Harry dryly. He thought of the sleek piano back at their flat, most likely basking in a layer of dust from so long without any use. It was almost funny, in a bitter, ironic sort of way, that Louis didn’t have a piano now even though Harry bought that piano for him nearly three years ago. Niall had asked him so many times why they kept that piano. He had lugged it between two different flats, hired special movers to transport it and everything, and for what? He didn’t even play the piano. 

And neither could Niall and Liam. 

However Harry couldn’t give it up. The thought always made him nauseous. He clung to that piano in a way that was probably unhealthy but he had just accepted it after a while. All of them had accepted it. 

Their flat had a really expensive piano that no one could play. Every flat had its quirks right? 

“I should probably get back into that too,” said Louis softly. He sounded wistful, as if he were reminiscing over the hours he used to spend running his delicate fingers over the crisp white keys, creating music so beautiful Harry couldn’t do anything but watch and admire. A lump rose in his throat. Jesus Christ. 

“Yeah,” he said. “You’re… Um. You’re really good at it, it’d be a shame to waste your talent.”

Louis smiled at him. Harry ignored the fluttering of his heart. This is not a good path to go down. He went down it once before and ended up drowning in a lake. 

He cleared his throat and took a sip of wine. 

“Hey Harry, did you ever get back to Donna?” asked Niall. 

“What?” 

“She called me, like, ten times earlier today,” said Niall shrugging. “Said you weren’t picking up the phone.”

Harry blinked. Part of his songwriting process included isolating himself from the internet and devices such as his laptop and of course, his phone, which meant he hadn’t looked at it since that morning, “Uh, no. Whoops.”

“Who’s Donna?” asked Zayn. There was an edge in his voice that Harry found strange- he probably imagined it. 

“My manager,” said Harry. 

“Oh right you switched,” said Louis, eyes widening. “Why is that by the way?” He flinched immediately after, “Sorry, you don’t have to answer that-”

“No it’s okay,” assured Harry, glancing at Niall who was giving him an encouraging look. He took a deep breath, looking around at four listening faces, realizing he didn’t even have to hesitate before sharing such a personal story, “When I first started in the music industry, I was really excited. And eager. I wanted to do well, which I mean that should go without saying, but I really wanted to get big so I did my best to get in with the right crowd. It didn’t help that my label was really trying to push this narrative and persona that wasn’t me but they told me it’d make me more successful and it didn’t seem like that big of a deal in the beginning. And… I guess I kind of became someone I wasn’t proud of.”

“That sounds like shit,” sympathized Zayn.

Harry laughed bitterly, “It was shit. But I can’t pin all the blame on them. I got caught up in all the glam and adrenaline.” He paused, suddenly feeling very, very awkward. “I think I hurt a lot of people I cared about.” Beside him, Harry could’ve sworn that Louis stiffened. He felt shaky and guilty and he wanted to talk to Louis. 

See Harry spent a lot of time angry with Louis for ending things. He blamed him for the downfall of their relationship and fairly, in Harry’s opinion. Louis broke his heart. The break up was always what he focused on. It was admittedly biased of him, and if Harry was being completely truthful- things had started getting bad more than a month before New Year’s. He had known it at the time, but instead of trying to fix it, he let it get too far. 

And Louis apparently didn’t care enough to let him explain. 

Could he blame him? Not really. Harry was a shitty boyfriend all through December. But Louis didn’t try to talk to him either. He probably didn’t care. 

Either way, the guilt Harry felt was resurfacing and even though he probably didn’t care, Harry hoped Louis heard the apology in his words. 

He cleared his throat, “I made friends with people I didn’t trust yet I still sought out their validation. I tried things that went against my personal ideals to fit in with those people even though I lost myself in them. I agreed to stupid stuff because I wanted the best shot possible, but all it did was turn me into a person I wasn’t. And I still feel so ashamed of that time.” He glanced at Niall. “Niall and Gems were the ones who got me to get my head out of my arse.”

Niall smirked, nodding. 

“And now you’re with a much better label and a much better manager,” finished Liam. 

“Exactly,” he said. “I still just feel so stupid thinking about it… I was so blind to their flaws. All I could think was… this is it. I’m living out my dream. This is all I’ve ever wanted since I was a little kid who dreamt of making music that made people stop and listen in awe.”

“You settled for less rather than risk your dream?” guessed Zayn. 

“Yeah, I guess,” said Harry. He laughed awkwardly, “Sorry for that rant.”

“No, we all like listening to you Harry,” said Liam honestly. Harry smiled at him right as Niall piped up with a, “Even though we also hate listening to you because you talk so slow.”

“Shut the fuck up,” said Harry, scowling. 

“Oh, so he can talk faster,” said Niall jokingly. Harry rolled his eyes and flipped him off and the others laughed. 

Louis had been silent throughout the whole interaction but when the other three had returned to whatever they had been chatting about before, Harry felt him tap his shoulder gently. He ignored the pinpricks that erupted from the point of contact and met Louis’ eyes. 

“I’m glad you got out of that label,” he said seriously. 

Harry blinked, “Thanks.”

Louis’ eyes flickered away for a second, almost bashfully, and he said quietly, “You’re really talented Harry, they were stupid to underestimate you and your impact.” 

Harry was shocked. He felt something shift in his lungs, somewhere close to his heart. He wet his lips and fixed Louis with an intense stare, “That means a lot Louis, thank you.”

Louis nodded, looking shy. “Do you still make the same kind of music?”

Harry smiled slightly, “What kind of music might that be?”

Louis smirked, “Y’know, obscure, hipster indie music that people who listen to records and wax poetry about Stevie Nicks listen to.”

Harry’s smile grew, aware that Louis was purposefully teasing him with information he already knew about him. “Hmmm, sounds familiar. Do you know a guy?”

“May or may not,” said Louis, shrugging. “He’s kind of an odd bloke, probably drinks too many healthy smoothies and does yoga in his free time.”

“He definitely does yoga,” said Harry. “Sounds like a wise man. Yoga is good for the soul.”

Louis scoffed. 

“Besides he also boxes, he’s very versatile like that,” said Harry casually and _ what the fuck? _Why did he say that. 

“Very impressive,” said Louis mockingly. “To bad everyone can tell he wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

“He’s a peaceful guy,” said Harry, narrowing his eyes. “Besides he doesn’t have to be violent to be good at boxing, the important part if that he has the potential to beat you up but he won’t because he treats people with kindness. He’s a very good guy, a lover, not a fighter.” 

Louis looked amused, “This has gone too far, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“You started it,” said Harry, grinning like a loon. Was this flirting? Or just friendly banter? Should he really be so invested in the answer to that question?

“And you made it weird,” retorted Louis, grinning back. 

“To answer your question, yeah I do make the same kind of music,” said Harry. “I’d like to think I’ve matured lyrically but the vibe is still there.”

Louis nodded, “Kind of intrigued.”

Harry raised an eyebrow, “You should come watch one of my gigs.”

“Maybe I will.”

Someone cleared their throat loudly and the two of them looked over to three faces staring at them with varying reactions. Niall looked amused, wearing a smug grin. Zayn looked wary, frowning slightly. Liam looked confused but curious all the same. “We were talking about ordering dessert,” explained Zayn, still looking between the two of them with a not entirely pleased expression on his face. 

“Oh, cheers,” said Louis. “Is there cake? Can we get cake?”

“Who says we have to choose one thing, everything’s free tonight, remember?” said Niall, looking as if someone just told him he was in heaven. He took a menu from Niall and looked it over, ignoring the clenching in his gut.

He and Louis weren’t doing anything wrong, yet he still felt caught. 

How were things ever supposed to be okay between the two of them? 

-

Louis was very bothered. He shouldn’t be so affected by this but then again it’s already been established that Louis is pathetic like that. 

He and Harry had just had a nice conversation- two nice conversations to be exact, however that apparently didn’t mean anything to Harry who was now ignoring Louis and all attempts at another conversation. He tried not to feel hurt by it, but it was hard. Harry said they were friends. 

Friends don’t ignore each other, right?

Not to mention, all Louis could see when he closed his eyes was Harry’s face right before he almost kissed him. He had been centimeters away, those pink full lips that Louis had craved for the past two years so close to his own he could hardly breathe. 

He had been looking at Louis like he used to- like he was someone precious. 

But now… 

There was nothing he could think other than he overreacted. It was his fault. Harry didn’t want to kiss him, Louis just leaned in and freaked him out. He was disgusted.

_ He didn’t look disgusted. _

Of course he was disgusted. His ex tried to kiss him after they agreed to be friends! This was too much for Louis. 

He pushed those frantic thoughts of mind as the boys finished dessert. Annie returned to say goodbye. She kissed Zayn’s cheek and then Louis’ cheek and said goodbyes to Niall, Liam, and Harry as well, telling them it was nice to meet them and etcetera. 

The issue arrived when Annie said, “Louis I better see you come by more often, I miss you too much and I know Zayn does too. You can’t just abandon your boyfriend like that!” It wasn’t anything strange, just Annie being Annie. 

Zayn laughed and Louis rolled his eyes but then after she left, Harry spoke up, “Why does she think you two are dating? Doesn’t she know Liam’s Zayn’s boyfriend?” 

When Louis looked over, Harry was crossing his arms and frowning. There was a flicker of irritation on his neutral face that Louis could perceive only due to months and months of practice. “Huh?” he said, eloquent as ever. 

“Annie. The waitress. She said you were Zayn’s boyfriend,” elaborated Harry. 

“Yeah what’s up with that?” asked Niall with a much lighter tone. 

“It’s just an inside joke,” informed Zayn as Louis was too shocked to reply. He was busy staring at Harry because… it almost seemed like he was _ jealous. _“When Annie first met Louis, she thought he was my boyfriend and now she just goes along with it as a joke.” 

Harry turned to Liam, still looking irritated/confused/_ jealous? _“I already knew about it, we’ve met,” said Liam, shrugging. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Great,” said Niall, clapping his hands together and making Louis jump. “Let’s go lads.”

They exited the restaurant. It was around 10:30 ish but the sky was still light enough for them to see easily, purple and blue fading into each other framing the rising moon. It was warm outside and Louis found himself sweating. He couldn’t wait until he could show his arms again, the scars were fading more and more every day and as it faded more and more, Louis felt more and more confident and certain that he was getting through this once and for all. 

He was healing. 

It was exhilarating just to contemplate, but even more exhilarating because it was true. 

“Lou- Louis,” said Harry. Niall, Liam, and Zayn were standing a little ways apart and Harry was with them but apparently he had moved. Louis blinked. Did Harry almost say ‘Lou’? 

“Yeah?”

Harry looked uncomfortable. He was looking at Louis like he was about to tell him something really bad. Louis’ breath hitched, he didn’t like this one bit. “I, um, wanted to talk to you about something…”

“Sure,” said Louis slowly, trying to keep his tone even. His heartbeat was clamoring and he suddenly felt very faint. Would it be strange if he just ran away? Probably. 

“Can we move away a bit?” asked Harry, gesturing to a nearby bench. 

Louis nodded, words dying in his throat. What the fuck was happening. He followed him to the bench, taking a seat on the opposite side of the bench. He turned to meet Harry’s uncomfortable gaze. “What is it?”

Harry fidgeted with his shirt. That was not a good sign. Louis had always been the fidgety one- Harry never fidgeted. He was always composed and still when he was serious, not nervous, not anything like this. “It’s… Just… Don’t be mad.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” asked Louis, now even more concerned. Harry blanched, looking at his feet. 

“I don’t know how to bring it up,” he murmured. 

“What is it Harry, just tell me,” urged Louis. It couldn’t be anything worse than what he’s already stressed about. Oddly enough, Harry’s eyes flickered to somewhere on his arm. The expression on his face was one of dismay and helplessness. Louis frowned, and then he froze, gasping aloud in realization. 

“I know it’s not any of my business,” started Harry, figuring out that Louis had understood. “But I can’t stop thinking about it. I just... Please tell me someone else knows. Please tell me you’re getting help. Or that you’re thinking about it.” 

Louis was still stuck in the same position, shoulders hunched and heart pounding. His lips parted, but no words spilled out.

“I’m so sorry,” said Harry, eyes widening. “I didn’t mean to find out but I saw when we had lunch and I was shocked. Louis, you’re so important. You can’t hurt yourself-” His voice broke off. He sounded almost distressed when he scooted closer and placed a hand on Louis’ shoulder. “I don’t know why you would ever do that to yourself. I did some research- shit I shouldn’t say that. I- It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but you have to know how valuable you are. You don’t deserve to feel that way, _ ever _ . I don’t want you to feel that way again. So I guess the point is that I want to help you if you let me. Or I want to help find someone to help you.” He frowned, grunting in frustration. “This is the worst way to broach this topic, fuck. I’m sorry Louis, maybe Zayn will be a better person to have this conversation with? If you want to tell him that is? Or does he already know?” Louis felt almost dizzy listening to Harry’s ramblings. He was shocked and taken off guard. Harry _ knew. _

He fucking knew! 

However that came to be, Louis couldn’t just let him keep talking and burying himself into a pile of worry, confusion, and eagerness. He realized then that despite everything, Louis trusted Harry. He trusted him a lot. And anyway, there was only one time in his life where Louis had ever denied Harry and that ended in a lot of heartbreak for Louis. “I just want to help,” said Harry after a moment. His voice was soft, pleading. He sounded distraught and Louis wanted to weep. This is not how he ever envisioned telling someone about his struggles would go. Here goes. 

He placed his hand on top of Harry’s, sucking in a breath as his skin touched Harry’s. Harry stilled, mouth dropping open. “Harry,” he said gently. “I really appreciate that, I do. I, uh, actually am getting help,” he continued shyly. “I’m seeing someone about it and it’s been helping a lot.”

Harry looked relieved. He literally deflated in relief in front of Louis. “That’s great,” he exclaimed. “Oh my god, that is so great. I’m so glad Lou- Louis.” Louis raised an eyebrow, that was the second time Harry has almost called him Lou. 

“And Zayn does know,” said Louis. He paused, gathering his thoughts and making a decision about how much he wanted to share about everything. He trusted Harry, yes, but he wasn’t quite ready to share some parts of his story with him just yet. “I’ve actually been dealing with it for a while. It started in late December… after… you know.”

Harry nodded, squeezing Louis’ shoulder. Louis closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Take your time,” murmured Harry. “Breathe…” He did. In and out. In and out. When Louis opened his eyes, Harry was gazing at him with so much patience and kindness that Louis kind of wanted to cry. This was also too familiar and raw. Harry always knew how to ground Louis. He always knew how to get him to calm down and come back to earth. Nothing had changed. He took a final deep breath before continuing. 

“Yeah well, it got really bad but Zayn found out and he helped me stop,” continued Louis, voice lowering to a whisper. “That was months ago… Things got slightly better but back in July I kind of had a relapse? I guess? Those are the scars you saw. But I’ve been clean ever since Harry, I promise. And I don’t intend to cut ever again.”

“I’m glad,” said Harry honestly. “God, I can’t even imagine- I’m so sorry you’ve had to suffer so much Louis, you don’t deserve any of it.”

Louis nodded, unable to reply. 

“And… I’m proud of you,” said Harry and Louis almost made a sound. “I mean it, I am. I haven’t known for that long but I’m still proud. Recovering from that sort of thing… it’s really brave Louis. You’re so brave. And strong. I’m proud of you and I know Zayn is too.”

Louis smiled gratefully at him, “Thanks Harry.”

“Of course,” said Harry. He hesitated, clearly conflicted about whatever he was about to say. In the end he just blurted it out, “If you ever want someone to talk to about it, please call me. Or text me. Just get ahold of me, I promise I’ll do my best to help you and be there for you. I’ve done a lot of research on how to be a good supportive person in these situations, and I can do more. The point is that I can help if you ever want it.”

Louis blinked, at a loss for words. “I-”

“I know things are slightly weird between us and I know they’ll probably always be slightly weird between us, but I promise that I still care about you Louis, so much. I want to be friends. I want to be a good friend for you. And that means being there to support you,” said Harry firmly. “This is… This is important to me.”

“Harry,” said Louis, and this time he really was choking back tears. “Thank you.”

“Don’t cry,” whispered Harry, looking pained. He reached out, fingers outstretched as if he were about to wipe away the tears himself, but he caught himself and retracted. 

“These are overwhelmed tears,” complained Louis, rubbing at his eyes weakly. “That means a lot Haz.”

He froze immediately after, heart stuttering in fear and anticipation. 

“I kind of missed that nickname,” said Harry softly. Louis looked at him, vulnerable and shy. Harry smiled at him gently, “Can I call you Lou? Or is that too weird? Is this too weird?”

Louis shook his head, “You can call me Lou. Friends call me Lou, and we’re friends.”

“Yeah we are,” said Harry. “Can I hug you Lou?”

He nodded and held his breath as Harry leaned in. His arms slipped over him, pulling him to Harry’s chest. Louis released a shaky breath, eyes squeezing shut. This. This was familiar. Harry’s arms. Strong, warm, and safe. This used to be home. It still felt like home. 

He gently rested his hands on Harry’s biceps, pressing his face into his shoulder. “It’s going to be okay,” said Harry. And then softer, “We’ll be alright.” 

Louis wanted to scream. They wouldn’t alright. Because right now they were hugging and for Louis- it was everything. He could feel every inch of contact between them. Everywhere Harry held him was burning. Louis was burning. Burning with want. His heart was racing and he felt so safe in Harry’s arms. So at home.

But Harry… Harry didn’t feel the same. He was hugging Louis because he was trying to be a good friend. He didn’t feel any of the things currently blazing in Louis’ mind, heart, body. He was just trying to be nice. He was being Harry. 

Things wouldn’t be alright for them because things were never alright when there were two friends and one of the friends was deeply in love with the other friend despite breaking up with him years prior. Things were never alright when unrequited love played a role. But he didn’t say any of that. He kept his mouth shut and basked in the warmth and safety. He knew it was temporary and he wanted to enjoy it as much as possible. 

He was going to pretend for as long as he could that this was enough for him. 

And he was going to pray that it was enough for him not to get burned in the end. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that was a Fine Line reference. Yes, I couldn't help myself. 
> 
> Sorry for this chapter being a little rushed. There's also probably a lot of errors which I'll come back and fix later. I just wanted to post something for you guys! I do like that we delve a bit deeper into Harry's life for this one. Harry will be getting a lot more attention in the coming chapters because we're finally getting his side of the story! Next chapter will be up next week :) 
> 
> Thank you all for continuing to read this fic and for leaving nice comments and kudos, I really appreciate all of your support! I hope you all have a wonderful day.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First I want to apologize for this chapter being late. This week has been pretty hectic and I was going to upload yesterday but then I was completely distracted by a certain angel's debut album releasing... 
> 
> With this chapter we finally cross the threshold into 100k words! That is INSANE! I have only ever written one project where it surpassed 100k words and this one came so easily to me! We've made so much progress in this story but there is still more to come. My estimates say we're past the 2/3rds mark. 
> 
> This chapter is a *bit* of a filler, not completely but slightly, but things are happening in the coming chapters! So stay tuned!

**September 18th 2017**

“Yes, yes, yes!” yelled Louis, pumping his fists in the air as Martial completely aced the penalty kick bringing the score to 4-0 and cementing the victory for Manchester United. Louis had already known they won since the game was actually from yesterday but seeing it was better. “Happy days!” he crowed, tilting his head back. 

“You’re way too invested in this sport,” said Zayn, rolling his eyes from his position beside Louis on the couch. Despite Zayn’s indifference to any and every athletic event, he always watched games with Louis, mostly so he could make fun of Louis when he got really intense about the outcomes. 

“Shut up,” said Louis because he was too amped up to think of a proper retort. He shifted on the couch and splayed his legs across Zayn’s lap. Zayn patted his ankle and leaned over his calves to grab the remote. 

“I’m putting on Peaky Blinders,” he warned. 

“Sounds good to me,” said Louis. “We can only watch one episode though, my appointment is at 3.”

“I know,” said Zayn. “I’m literally the one driving you.”

Louis nudged his ribs with his bare foot, “Thanks Zayn.” 

Zayn frowned at him, “You can’t suddenly decide to be nice when we’re bantering Louis, what the fuck.”

“My bad,” said Louis dryly. 

“So did you tell Lottie?” asked Zayn after Zayn had picked the episode they left off on on Netflix and put it on. 

Louis winced, “Yeah… She’s concerned.”

“I’m concerned too,” added Zayn annoyingly. Louis pouted, he didn’t need another reminder. They were talking about Louis telling Harry about his self-harm. Zayn didn’t have an issue with that particularly, just that he was worried that Louis was getting too attached too soon. “You confided in him so fast,” he had pointed out. He was right. “I just don’t want to see you hurt again.” 

Apparently Lottie agreed. 

“Nothing’s going to happen,” insisted Louis. “Trust me, I’m well aware he doesn’t and will never return my feelings. I’m hoping being friends will end my infatuation now that I’ll be around him in reality and not just clinging to my memory of him as my boyfriend.” 

“I don’t know about that…” said Zayn. “I know how you are.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Louis, affronted. 

“You don’t just stop loving people Louis, even when they don’t deserve your affection and loyalty,” said Zayn sternly. “One of the things I love most about you is how generous and compassionate you are to everyone, but I know how your relationships with people work out. You love people unconditionally and it doesn’t just end for you.”

“So you’re saying I’m going to be in love with Harry for the rest of my life and I’ll never find love so I’ll die alone,” said Louis deadpan. “Gee, thanks for that downer Z.”

“No, that’s not what I meant,” said Zayn, exasperated. “I just mean it’s going to take a lot for your feelings to fade away and I don’t know what’s going to happen in the meantime.” 

Louis sighed exaggeratedly, “So what is your advice, oh wise Zayn Malik?”

“Fuck, I don’t know. I’m not your therapist,” said Zayn because he was a little shit and Louis hated him. He leaned over to grab a fallen pillow to smack his stupid smug friend with. Zayn yelped. “No, but seriously. I think you should try to be friends with Harry- it’s easier for everyone. But I also want you to keep your distance. Friends and nothing more, alright?”

“Alright Dad,” said Louis mockingly. He also may have been pouting (he didn't appreciate being told off). He ignored the panging in his heart that accompanied the mention of staying away from Harry. But he wasn't just going to tell Zayn that staying away from Harry the first time led to him longing and aching for two years, stuck in a constant feeling of heartbreak and hopelessness along with desperation to know what Harry was doing, to see his beautiful face, and hear his lovely voice. 

“Shut the fuck up.” He then lowered his voice and muttered something that sounded very similar to, “Disgruntled kitten.”

Louis hit him with another pillow. “I’m _ intimidating _!”

“Yeah and I’m a big Manchester United fan.”

Later on in the car when Louis put on All Too Well by Taylor Swift (he’s a supportive friend of course), Zayn cleared his throat, “You don’t… I hope you know I’m not trying to control you or anything, right? It’s your life and if you want to pursue things with Harry than I’ll support you. If he breaks your heart again, then I’ll support you.” 

“He didn’t break my heart a first time,” defended Louis, slumping in his seat. “Everything was my fault.”

“Literally everything I’ve ever seen you do because of him begs to differ,” said Zayn easily. “Just because you broke up with him doesn’t mean he didn’t break your heart.”

Louis didn’t reply to that. 

Zayn hugged him before sitting down in the reception area while Louis checked in. Sometimes Louis felt guilty that Zayn had to drive him everywhere, however he knew the alternative was so much worse. 

“Ah Louis, how are we doing today?” asked James when he sat down on the familiar plush armchair and got comfortable. James Corden was looking at him from behind his desk as always, a patient and inquisitive expression painted on his face.

“Proper decent,” he said honestly. “How about you?”

“I’m doing well, thank you,” said James. “So is there anything you want to talk about today or should we continue with what we were talking about last time with your burden complex?”  
Louis stiffened at the mention even though they’d been working on it for a while, “Actually…” His words trailed off as he hesitated. Was this a good idea? Was he really doing this? He cleared his throat which felt dry all of a sudden. Swallowing roughly, he began, “Remember how I said I’d never want to talk about… Harry?”

The silence that followed was deafening but it was probably all just in Louis' head. He just dropped a game-changer, that was to be expected. He felt shaky and nervous. Was he going to regret this? 

James looked curious, but he only nodded, “Are you changing your mind?”

Louis fidgeted with his jumper, before nodding ever so slowly. He didn’t know where this came from. He had been so adamant he’d never discuss Harry with James- with anyone else in general. It was too raw, too personal. But all he could focus on was his own desperation and hopelessness. He had decided he wanted to have someone again, but he couldn’t have someone unless he wasn’t in love with Harry anymore. 

And he couldn’t stop being in love with Harry unless he finally stopped running from the past, burying all the thoughts, feelings, worries, insecurities, _ weakness _and hiding it away due to shame, self-preservation, and failed attempts of moving on. He couldn’t move on unless he finally accepted the fact that the two of them were over. For good. No matter how much the truth hurt him. Just thinking of Harry- his kind heart, his lovely dimpled smile, bright green eyes, his curls, his ridiculously endearing laugh, his soothing deep drawl, his goodness, his wisdom and intelligence, everything about him... It hurt. But he had to move on and say goodbye. Harry was not meant to be his and he never would be. 

He exhaled, refusing to keep second guessing and stalling. This was the right thing to do. 

Talking to James would help him accept it, it had to. Louis had no other option left. 

“Okay, I’m not a relationships counselor or anything but I can help you, I promise,” he said. Louis swallowed again, nodding because he still couldn’t get his mouth to form words. 

“So tell me Louis, who is Harry to you?”

“He’s my ex-boyfriend,” said Louis after a moment of nausea. God, was he really doing this?

“He’s the love of my life.”

-

“You’re not going to be… weird right?” asked Harry as Gemma touched up her makeup in front of the hall mirror. She caught his eye and gave him a look. 

“When am I ever weird?”

Harry could think of a few times, but he didn’t answer because Gemma was being rhetorical. “He hasn’t seen you in years, so just… be normal?”

“Why is this turning into an attack on my mediocrity?” questioned Gemma. Harry rolled his eyes. Now was not the time for Gemma’s quick wit. They’d be here any minute and Harry still hadn’t gotten the promise he wanted. “Fine H, I won’t embarrass you or make him uncomfortable.” She spun to face him, raising her eyebrows, “Happy?”

“Thanks Gems,” said Harry, smiling. 

“C’mon guys!” called Liam from the other room. “Zayn just texted me they’re here.”   
Harry winced, glancing at his sister, “Is it too late for you to go back to Manchester?” 

Gemma smacked him before walking away. Harry rubbed his arm, grumbling, as he followed her to the living room right as someone knocked on the door. 

Liam opened it and immediately pulled a slightly startled Zayn into a hug. Zayn didn’t hesitate to grip him equally tight right back. “Damn,” said Gemma. “Li, you really are whipped!”

Liam groaned, rolling his eyes, “Thank you Gemma.”

Zayn laughed, kissing Liam’s cheek. Then he held out a hand to Gemma which she shook. Harry missed that though because all the air in his lungs suddenly disappeared as Louis stepped into the flat. 

Fuck. 

He was dressed in a jumper- another one of _ Harry’s. _This time it was a creamy white. His hair was soft and tufts of it were sticking out adorably. He was wearing light-wash jeans with rips at the knees, cuffed at the ankles with white vans on his feet. 

He looked fucking gorgeous. And Harry felt overwhelmed. 

“Gemma?” he said, blue eyes widened in surprise. 

“Louis Tomlinson,” said Gemma, lips pursed into a frown. A flicker of worry ignited in Harry’s chest as Louis’s nervous eyes met his, but it was quickly extinguished as her frown quirked into a grin. “C’mere stranger!” She pulled him into a hug. Harry huffed a laugh at Louis’ startled face, a warm feeling settling inside him. 

“It’s good to see you,” she said genuinely, hand on each of his shoulders. Louis beamed. 

“You too,” he said shyly. His eyes met Harry’s again and he couldn’t hold in his dopey grin. Gemma noticed, raising an eyebrow. 

“Oi oi!” said Niall, making an entrance. “Thanks for telling me they got here,” he said, feigning annoyance and crossing his arms. 

“I did call for you,” Liam pointed out. “Maybe you’d notice if you weren’t so busy facetiming with Barbara.” 

“Well _ excuse me _for being a fulfilling boyfriend,” said Niall haughtily. “I like to talk to my girlfriend as much as possible, thank you. I’m a very generous lover.” 

Louis scrunched up his nose (which Harry did not find cute at all, nope) and frowned, “That makes it sound like you were having phone sex or something.”

Niall waggled his eyebrows. 

“You’re vile,” stated Harry. 

“Funny coming from the two-” Niall stopped abruptly. “Sorry.” 

Harry was beet red and when he glanced at Louis, he was sporting an equally flushed face. Gemma looked between the two of them, looking like she was holding in a guffaw. “Thank you Niall,” bit out Harry, teeth gritted. Niall ignored his glare. 

“Right, so we’re painting?” asked Liam hastily. 

“Yeah,” said Zayn, holding up a crate filled with art supplies that Harry somehow failed to notice. His face was still burning from Niall’s completely unnecessary comment about his and Louis’ past sex life. He hadn’t been _ wrong, _but there was no need to mention it so casually. Harry was mortified. Another glance at Louis confirmed he felt the same. 

“Sorry, I didn’t introduce myself properly because my little brother is stupid,” said Gemma causing Harry to squawk in indignation. He didn’t do anything for god’s sake! She stuck out a hand to Zayn, “Nice to meet you, I’m Gemma, the better Styles.”

Zayn grinned, shaking her hand, “I’m Zayn, Liam’s boyfriend and Louis’ best friend.” 

“I see how it is,” said Niall, crossing his arms. 

Harry rolled his eyes in tandem with both Zayn and Louis. 

“So is this like a therapy exercise or??” asked Gemma, sounding genuinely curious as she peered into the crate. 

“Kinda, more like I-need-help-finishing-an-art-project-that-has-a-deadline-of-next-week project,” said Zayn smirking. “And Louis, bless his heart, is not helpful at all.”

“Heyyy,” complained Louis, pouting like an annoyed kitten. Why did he find this man so fucking adorable, it wasn’t fair. “M’very helpful Zaynie, you’re just a perfectionist.”

“Yeah well cutting up magazines and painting canvases silver isn’t that hard Lou,” said Zayn. Harry chuckled. “You guys have a tarp set up already?”

“Yup, it’s in the living room, just put it out,” said Liam proudly. 

“Thanks babe,” said Zayn, kissing Liam’s jaw before walking to the living room.

“Gross,” said Gemma, because she like Niall and Harry love to make fun of Liam. 

“Thank you Gemma,” repeated Liam, sounding exasperated. 

They followed Zayn to the living room where Liam set up an old gray tarp. Zayn directed them into sitting in a wonky circle, slipping on aprons that were splattered with various pigments and hues. Louis seemed to have his own reserved apron, mostly embellished with sloppily painted sunflowers along with a crude painting of a dick on the bottom left. 

Harry should not find it endearing. 

(He did). 

Zayn delegated tasks: Liam and Niall cut magazines, Gemma and Harry began painting the dozens of small canvases that Zayn had brought along with him, and Louis assisted Zayn in mixing colors. Harry was honestly quite curious to see how these seemingly random components would unite to create Zayn’s artistic vision. He had seen some of the projects Zayn had done in the past (Liam was definitely the type to gloat about his partner’s achievements and talents as he and Niall knew very well by now) and he was blown away by every single one. Zayn was talented. Really talented. 

Harry decided that he was going to make sure he did above an adequate job on painting because this was for one of Zayn’s legendary projects and Harry didn’t want to diminish the overall result with sloppy strokes or amateur skills in general. Luckily painting small canvases a single color wasn’t too complicated. 

Despite that, Harry found himself not paying too much attention to the task as he was easily distracted by the blue eyed beauty sitting cross-legged a few feet away from him, nose scrunched cutely in concentration and every once in a while, shaking his fringe out his eyes. 

Watching him discreetly leaves Harry feeling this undeniable longing in his chest. Not just his chest- throughout his entire body, every single cell in his being was vibrating with it. It was overwhelming. Disconcerting. He wasn’t supposed to feel this way. This _ attraction _, this enamor he had for his past love was dangerous for the both of them. 

Especially when he had already offered himself up fully for the role of supportive friend. In fact, they had actually been texting a fair amount over the past two days. Just random, meaningless things. Harry smiled every time he read one of Louis’ texts, but that was to be expected. He had always found Louis funny and endearing. That wasn’t going to magically change. And texting him a lot was also to be expected. He and Louis got along. They were the perfect match. Friendship match. He wanted to be a good friend to Louis- be there for him when he was feeling awful and protect him from all the bad feelings he’s been dealing with- insecurity, grief, frustration. Harry wanted to take it all away but he couldn’t. 

“So what’s this for anyway?” asked Gemma, directing her question to Zayn. 

“An art exhibit I’m contributing to,” explained Zayn. “I’ve always participated every year but this year it kinda snuck up on me. I’ve been struggling with getting back into art for the past few months but I’m finally in a good enough place to actually create a piece and submit it in time for the showcase in a week and a half.”

“I told you all you had to do was snap a picture of your stupidly symmetric face and submit that, everyone would be impressed and it’d have only taken a minute,” said Louis logically, sticking his tongue out at Zayn who was rolling his eyes. 

“He’s not wrong,” said Liam, smiling smugly at his boyfriend. 

“Gross,” said Gemma once again. 

“Thank you Gemma,” repeated Liam, once again. Gemma smiled sweetly at him and Harry huffed a laugh at his disgruntled expression. His sister was a force to be reckoned with. 

“By the way, my mockery of your guys’ relationship has nothing to do with you,” clarified Gemma to an amused Zayn. “You seem like a good bloke. _ Way _out of Liam’s league for sure-”

“Hey!”

  
“But I can’t just let Liam’s ego go unchallenged for too long,” finished Gemma solemnly. “Same for my little brother and that Irish fucker over there.”

Niall gasped, pausing in his cutting of a brunch recommendations spread in a magazine to cross his arms haughtily, “Excuse me? The Irish fucker has a name, thank you very much.”

“You’re welcome,” said Gemma. She turned back to Zayn and Louis, “You two are my favorites. I would advise you to keep it that way.”

“Well I’m glad to see you haven’t changed at all,” said Louis, eyes crinkling with his grin. Harry’s grin magnified as Gemma returned Louis’ smile. 

“Of course not babe,” said Gemma brightly. 

The next few hours continue similarly, banter, friendly bickering, and jokes being made freely. Harry hadn’t felt this relaxed in a long time. He actually felt pretty happy. He finished another song the day before- another song inspired by Louis, yes. At this point he was ready to accept his unintentional muse. Because the songs he had jotted down- they were pretty fucking good. So good that when Harry got back to Donna after that dinner, he told her to schedule a few days in the studio next week to record. 

Yes, record. 

He was finally beginning to believe he could actually get this album out by the end of the year. He had around five or six songs he really liked that he wanted to put on an album. Three new ones along with a few old ones that he still really loved. Not to mention he had the wisps of a couple more songs already fabricating in his brain as he went through the day. 

He had made more progress on the album in the past few days than he had over the past six months. It was ridiculous. Outrageous. Impossible. 

It was because of Louis. 

Maybe not just because of Louis, but because for the first time since they broke up, Harry was allowing himself to articulate and expose his feelings about the whole disaster. He was allowing himself to be vulnerable. It was almost liberating in a way. 

“Lou!” exclaimed Zayn, exasperated. Harry’s gaze immediately slid to where Louis was holding back a laugh as he stared at Zayn’s annoyed face. There was a splotch of indigo paint dripping down his high cheekbone. Zayn was frowning, but his mouth was quirking up in the corner, “Very mature.” 

“Sometimes I feel like you’re a six year old trapped in a grown man’s body,” said Liam seriously. 

“Sometimes, I feel that you’re a bastard Payno, but I don’t go around saying that now do I?” retorted Louis and Gemma let out a surprisingly loud cackle. 

“Lay off on my man,” said Zayn, flicking his brush towards Louis resulting in a spray of tiny turquoise dots creating constellations across Louis’ soft skin. Harry’s breath hitched. 

“Oi!” yelped Louis, glaring at Zayn. “Proceed with caution Malik, I am no coward when it comes to paint fights.” 

“Trust me, I know.”

“I think I can see the Big Dipper,” blurted Harry. Everyone looked at him and he fought a blush. Why did that just come out?? “On your face,” he clarified. Gemma was gawking at him in disbelief, no doubt already thinking of endless taunts to torture her brother with over this mortifying event later on. 

Louis smiled, “Well it’s only fitting. I am the universe personified.” 

“Of course,” said Harry appeasingly. _ Constellations on your cheeks. Oceans in your eyes. All that is warm reverberating in your laugh. A million miles in the dip of your waist. The entire universe encompassed in such a slight frame. _

Harry blinked, suddenly very overwhelmed with the mindless musings of his traitorous brain. Where had any of that come from, he wondered, though really he knew. They were not new thoughts. They were reverent declarations that hailed from years past. He could feel Gemma staring at him with an unreadable expression out of the corner of his eye, almost as if she could see through his carefully crafted persona of unaffectedness. He cleared his throat, “I’m kind of curious Zayn, how is this project exactly going to work?”

Zayn brightened, eager to explain which he did for the next five minutes. Harry forced himself not to gaze Louis’ way but he privileged himself with one brief glance. He didn’t seem weirded out by Harry’s random comment (bordering on compliment), in fact there was a light blush gently dusting his cheeks. Whether it was a direct reaction to Harry’s words or something else remained to be seen. 

An hour later they stop for a quick snack break (Niall predictably ordered Nando’s and Harry had already set up some other finger foods). Zayn put on some music, mostly classics such as Queen that all of them sang along to. It was at times like these were Harry reflected on how things just flowed so easily between the five of them. It had really only been a couple of months of all of them hanging out together but somehow it had just clicked so easily. They all got along and things were never difficult between them. It was partly the reason they hung out so much together now. Liam and Zayn were obviously pleased with their friends merging and so they made the most of it as they could and Harry couldn’t blame them for that- he didn’t mind hanging out with Louis, of course. He never could. But it would be easier for his confused heart if they saw less of each other. 

Not that his heart was actually confused about its feelings or anything.

The point was that things were natural between the five of them. Like now, Harry and Zayn had been unwillingly swept up into a heated debate between Niall and Liam over the best ABBA song. Harry annoyingly found himself thinking of too many occurences where he and Louis would dance around the kitchen belting out ABBA at the top of their lungs while cooking dinner (well, Harry cooked, and Louis “helped”). 

Speaking of Louis, he was deep in conversation with Gemma. Harry had tried to eavesdrop on their conversation but they were talking too quietly for him to pick up on. Gemma caught him leaning closer once and shot him an amused look which he ignored in favor of chiming in to say that Angel Eyes was a better song that Mamma Mia, just underrated, which satisfied Niall and irritated Liam.

After a bit they return to their tasks, managing to finish up everything within another two hours. Harry’s hand brushed Louis’ as they both reached for the same container of paint and Harry nearly jolted from the sparks that flew when their skin touched. He felt tense, like an arrow notched and aimed but never shot. He could feel Gemma glancing at him every once in a while. There was curiosity in her gaze, a smidge of pity too. 

Harry ignored her. 

Needless to say, hours later after Zayn and Louis had already left, she cornered him in his bedroom. “Harry, what was that?” she asked immediately. He froze, turning slowly to meet his sister’s determined expression as she leaned against the doorway. 

“What?” he asked, playing dumb. 

She fixed him with a stern look, “I watched you Harry, don’t pretend.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said gently, lies tasting like sandpaper on his tongue. His heart was beating so loudly he was surprised Gemma couldn’t hear it from where she stood, blocking any escapes. 

“For fuck’s sake Harry,” said Gemma and her tone solidified what Harry already knew. He wasn’t getting out of this. Gemma meant _ business. _

So he sighed, plopping onto his bed and giving in. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Not that big of a deal? Really?” said Gemma, disbelief coloring her words. “It’s not that big of a deal that you were pretty much staring at Louis with lust and affection for the entire time he was here?” 

Harry winced, defensive. “I did _ not. _” 

“Don’t bullshit me Styles,” said Gemma which shouldn’t even be allowed because Styles was her surname too. Harry crossed his arms. “You were looking at him with hearts in your eyes!” Harry flinched, the accusation striking him as he realized they were the truth. He had been staring at Louis like that… “Seriously, what happened H?”

He glared at the edge of his bed, “I don’t know Gemma.”

“I thought you just wanted to be friends with him?” she asked after a moment of silence. Her tone had softened quite a bit, gently counteracting Harry’s harsh defensive retorts. 

“I do. We are,” said Harry. “I don’t- this isn’t a crush Gemma, it’s just… I’ve missed him that’s all.”

“That was a lot more than just missing a friend Harry, and I think we both know it.”

He didn’t answer because she was right. They both knew it. 

“Now don’t get mad, but I have to ask… What exactly is the goal here?” she ventured. “Are you… going to pursue any of these feelings?”

“There are no feelings,” he insisted stubbornly. Once again, neither of them believed it. 

“Whatever you say Harry,” she said, rolling her eyes. “You wanna know what I think?”

Harry didn’t answer, giving Gemma the opportunity to continue breezily. 

“I think you aren’t ‘over’ Louis like you’ve been trying to convince everyone all these times,” she said, the statement like a stab to the gut. “I think you need closure. You can’t just keep pretending that you’re not absolutely desperate to know why he broke up with you.” Harry flinched, a flicker of vulnerability enveloping him as the pain returned. 

“I’ve tried to tread carefully and not bother you about it, but I’m not doing that anymore,” said Gemma. “I love you. I’m going to support you in whatever you decide to do, except maybe if it’s incredibly stupid, but the point is- whether you want a relationship with him again, or you just want to know why so you can scream and cry and bitch about it for the next few months until you’re okay again. I’ll support you, but you can’t just do nothing. This is a crossroads, so fucking cross it,” she said. 

Harry exhaled shakily as Gemma walked away, taking the remnants of his disguised heartbreak with him. Everything he had been building- all the walls he had been constructing to block away that part of his life, that pain he had undergone, they were cracking. They had started cracking the first time he saw Louis that day two months ago with a bandage on his arm and a startled soft expression on his face and had continued to crumble with every glance, every smile, every joke or tease. Harry had been screwed from the beginning and now he had to deal with it. 

Gemma was right. He knew that. He had to make a decision. Confront him for closure in hopes he’d finally be able to completely and absolutely move on. Continue this flirtation (whether intentional on Louis’ behalf or not) and give Louis a second chance even though he broke his heart so much Harry hadn’t been able to pick up all the pieces to this day. Both?

If only he knew which choice was the right one. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, in case anyone cares, I made a twitter yesterday: @falsegoodnight like this user. Feel free to follow me there because I'll be giving updates when I'm posting or if plans have changed as well as probably freaking out about Walls (WHICH CAME OUT AND DEBUTED AS #1 IN 50 COUNTRIES AND WORLDWIDE OVERALL!!) and whatever Harry and Louis are doing. 
> 
> Tell me your favorite song from Walls!


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early chapter?

**September 24th 2017**

“I’m really glad we do this,” said Zayn abruptly, causing Louis to jump slightly in his seat, seatbelt rubbing roughly against his collarbone. He hissed. 

“What?” he got out, tone slightly snappy. 

“This. Movie nights with Li and Niall and Harry,” clarified Zayn, not looking at Louis and instead focusing on the road. Louis blinked. 

"What?" 

"Movie nights. I'm really glad we do them," repeated Zayn, still not looking at Louis who was very confused. 

“Yeah it’s fun,” he agreed, speaking carefully. 

“I’m just glad that things work so well with us,” confessed Zayn. “That me and Liam can hang out together with you and also Niall and Harry, that we all get along so well.”

“Yeah, s’nice,” said Louis, slightly confused. 

“I just…” Zayn’s words trailed off and Louis turned back to stare out onto the road, jumping when he felt a hand on his knee. “Thank you for being friends with Niall and Harry is all I’m trying to say.”

“Oh… of course Z,” said Louis. “It’s not exactly a hardship.” And he meant it. Niall and him had been texting a lot more now and Louis was always happy to talk to him. He had even showed up unannounced a couple days ago to play Fifa with Louis after Louis told him he hadn’t played in almost a year (he probably just wanted to take advantage of Louis’ rusty skills so he could actually win for once but the gesture was still appreciated). And of course, Harry and him had been texting too. Louis would be lying if he said he didn’t grin every time he received a text from the other man (or that his heart didn’t flutter either). 

“Yeah but I know how difficult it was for you,” continued Zayn, shooting him a remorseful look. “Plenty of people wouldn’t even bother but you did and I just appreciate it, that’s all.”

“Well, you’re welcome,” said Louis, feeling slightly uncomfortable. See, Zayn didn’t exactly know about him and Harry texting all the time. It wasn’t exactly incriminating but he wasn’t sure Zayn would feel the same, especially after making such a big point about keeping some distance. Was Louis clinging to a last hope? Probably. Was he going to stop? Nope. “What movie d’ya think we’re watching today?’

Louis scrunched up his face, thinking. “It’s Niall’s turn so probably a funny one.”

“True,” said Zayn, before pulling in to park at the curb. “Well, I hope the boys decided on ordering pizza because I’m in a pizza mood.” 

“Me too,” said Louis, and he meant it. He’d been able to eat much easier over the past month or so. Zayn no longer had to micromanage every and meal to make sure Louis was actually finishing his food. Louis wasn’t sure who was more relieved out of the two of them. 

He opened the door and stepped out into the warm air. It was kind of funny to him how familiar Liam, Niall, and Harry’s flat was to him now. It had been a little over two months of them hanging out together and 90% of the time he actually spent outside of his own flat was at theirs. Louis actually felt a little guilty he’d been abandoning some of his other friends, like Dana, Calvin, and Perrie who he hadn’t seen since… 

His mother’s funeral. 

Perrie had offered to stay with Louis after everything just to make sure he was doing okay but he had declined, so wrapped up in his own misery and despair to think about someone looking out for him. Sometimes Louis wondered what would have happened if he had accepted. If someone had been watching out for her 24/7, preventing him from going on the dark path he did. If Zayn hadn’t found him bleeding and crying and then immediately forced Louis to move in with him. 

But there was no point in wondering. 

Him and Perrie still talked on the phone all the time, but it was difficult ever since she moved to Manchester a year ago. Not to mention, keeping all his friendships intact wasn’t exactly one of his priorities over the past six months. He and Zayn had gone to "girl's night" with Gigi, Taylor, and the other gals and Louis had a blast, feeling so grateful they weren't bitter about Louis breaking off all contact. They had been sympathetic when he explained (vaguely) everything that had happened over the past half a year, and Sara and Taylor even promised they'd stop pressing about setting Louis up with someone so that was a happy bright side!

Louis resolved to send Perrie a text about meeting up sometime when they returned home later, before following Zayn into the elevator. He had a bag with him, something uncommon for these gatherings. Zayn kept side-eyeing him with a look of confusion and curiosity on his face, but Louis just ignored him. He could feel a blush on his face, so sure it was written all over his face what he was doing. 

Niall greeted them at the door, hugging both of them and immediately breaking off into a tangent complaining about his coworkers at the hospital and then transitioning into talking about golf so quickly Louis was left disoriented, no less endeared of course. Niall was always a delight. He felt kind of guilty though, because he wasn’t really paying attention since Harry had just entered the room, also going in for hugs. Louis sucked in a breath, attempting to calm his heartbeat as Harry embraced him and trying not to bask in the safe cage of his arms. He masked the disappointment he felt when Harry inevitably let go. 

“Can I talk to you?” blurted Louis when Niall and Zayn had walked off to find Liam, leaving Louis alone with Harry, who looked surprised by the request, but nodded nonetheless. 

“What’s up Lou?” Lou. He did _ not _preen, he didn’t. 

“I… uh,” he blushed, resorting to just holding out the paper bag. _ Deep breaths, for god’s sake Tomlinson. _

Harry looked surprised and then intrigued. Louis watched in suspense as he opened the bag and reached inside. He blinked, pulling out the leather bound journal. The look on his face was one of awe and disbelief, and then what looked to be fondness. “Louis.”

He blushed even harder, “It’s not that big of a deal but you were talking about how you just filled up your last songwriting journal and you wanted a new one but hadn’t had the chance to yet.” He shrugged, “I saw this one the other day and thought of you.”

Harry was still staring at him with so much feeling and it made Louis conflicted between fidgeting and curling in on himself or screwing everything and leaning in to kiss his parted lips. Good thing Louis would never be so bold. 

“Thank you,” he said finally. “Really, thank you so much. I love it.” And then he pulled Louis into another hug. Louis exhaled, whole body relaxing in Harry’s comforting hold. He buried his face in his soft threadbare gray shirt, breathing in the familiar smell of the man he was still, annoyingly, in love with. Harry rested his head on top of Louis, squeezing him tight before letting go. Louis barely managed to resist pouting. 

“It’s not a big deal,” he repeated. It wasn’t. Harry had just been telling Louis about how he had survived his writing block and had been furiously writing for the past few weeks. Louis was proud of him and told him so and Harry had mentioned how he had even managed to fill up his notebook, lamenting on how he needed to get a new one. That had been two days ago and Louis went out to buy the notebook yesterday- he _ had _unintentionally spotted it even if the “randomly seeing it” was a lie. “I’m glad you like it though,” he added. He had been slightly worried if his perception of Harry’s tastes were outdated and was pleased to be proven wrong. 

“I love it,” said Harry again, saying it so forcefully like he wanted Louis to know how much it meant to him. Louis couldn’t stop blushing. This was so fucking embarrassing. 

Thankfully, the moment was interrupted by a knock at the door. Louis raised an eyebrow, “Ordered food already?”

Harry shook his head, “That’s just Mal.” Then he walked past Louis to open the door. 

Louis froze. Mal. 

He was rigid as the sound of the door swinging open reached his ears. “Hey love,” said a sickeningly familiar voice said. 

“Hey Mal,” responded Harry. Louis was going to throw up. 

It was Mal. 

Malcolm. 

“I’m so exhausted, I’ll probably be asleep in-” Malcolm’s words broke off immediately, no doubt realizing the third presence in the room. Louis turned slowly to meet Malcolm’s shocked expression. Malcolm. The same Malcolm he couldn’t ever forget. His hands were clammy and he suddenly felt very exposed in his sweatpants and worn out jumper. 

“Malcolm, you remember Louis right?” introduced Harry. Louis wasn’t sure but he thought the taller man sounded a bit nervous. 

“Yeah,” said Malcolm after an extended pause. His brown eyes were boring into Louis’ soul, freezing him in place. His heart was pounding so loud he was surprised the others couldn’t hear him in the living room. “Good to see you Louis.”

The lie was obvious. 

“You too,” croaked out Louis. He was on fire. Burning away. Ashes floating to the ceiling. All the harsh accusations. All the cruel words. Everything Malcolm had ever snarled at him was circulating through his brain, permeating the air, suffocating him. 

The offensive gleam in Malcolm’s eyes told Louis that his feelings towards him hadn’t changed since that time nearly three months ago. They were cold, dismissive, as if telling him _ You’re the last person I would want here. _And suddenly he could barely breathe. “I have to talk to Zayn, I just remembered something,” he lied, escaping into the other room and missing the concerned expression on Harry’s face. 

“Tommo!” exclaimed Niall as he entered the living room. He was already sprawled out in his spot on the armchair, a remote planted firmly in his hand. Zayn and Liam were cuddled up on the loveseat whispering about something. Louis breathed in and out, in and out. Niall was looking at him concerned when he finally slumped into his seat on the couch, right next to the armrest. “Is everything okay mate?”

He nodded weakly right as Harry and Malcolm walked through the door. Then he gasped. Very loudly. 

“I know I look good but you don’t have to act like I’m a celebrity or something,” joked Malcolm and Louis tasted bile in his throat. 

“What’re you doing here?” asked Niall then and if Louis didn’t know any better, he’d think Niall sounded almost _ hostile _as he said it. 

“Niall,” reproached Harry. “Be nice.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be a nurse?” asked Malcolm. “Hospitality is kind of your career, isn’t it?”

“Hospitality to patients,” said Niall bluntly. “I don’t see any injuries or signs of illness so I think we’re good.”

Louis physically fought his jaw from dropping. He had never seen Niall this dismissive to anyone… ever. And when Niall glanced at him immediately after, Louis knew it was all for his benefit. And then he felt nothing but grateful for his blonde friend. Niall was the only one who had witnessed Malcolm’s cruelty to him which meant he knew what seeing him after all these years was doing to Louis. He was the same Malcolm Louis remembered. Effortlessly handsome and effortlessly dressed, with a personality of ice to match. 

“Niall, what movie are we watching?” asked Liam hastily, playing the mediator as always. Louis looked over to where Liam and Zayn were sitting, only to meet his best friend’s gaze. Zayn was looking at him so intensely, communicating something along the lines of _ Are you okay? _

Louis didn’t even get the chance to subtly nod (or shake his head, he wasn’t quite sure which urge would triumph) before Harry was speaking, “I invited Malcolm last week, remember? We talked about this.”

“No we didn’t,” said Niall haughtily. 

“Niall,” said Harry, warningly. 

“Let’s watch the movie,” tried Liam. 

Louis sucked in a breath as Harry sat down on the couch and Malcolm sat down right in the middle of them. He was less than a foot away and Louis wasn’t sure he was going to make the night. Fuck. He could feel an anxiety attack approaching and suddenly he needed out. 

Right as he was thinking of a better excuse than “I need to use the bathroom,” his phone suddenly buzzed. He almost cried out in relief. He glanced at the screen to see ‘Calvin’ staring back at him. Thank fuck. “I’m going to take this,” he said quietly and then stood up, forcing himself to walk normally into the kitchen as Niall put on the movie. He could feel multiple sets of eyes following him as he slipped into the other room, sliding down to sit on the floor. 

Louis answered the phone and immediately said to a very startled Calvin, “I _ love _ you.”

“Uh… Love you too man,” said Calvin cautiously. “Y’alright?”

“No,” said Louis, so quietly he might as well have been whispering. “Fuck, no.”

-

Things were very tense in the flat and all of them could feel it. Harry was so confused. He didn’t know what happened. Niall was glaring at the TV screen, more silent during a film than Harry had ever seen. Zayn and Liam weren’t acting any differently but the tense set in their postures was definitely noticeable. And Harry couldn’t really see Louis who was sitting on Malcolm’s other side, also more silent than usual when watching films. Harry had only managed to get a glance of him pulling his legs to his chest and hunching his shoulders. Curling into himself. Something he only did when he was self-conscious or uncomfortable. He had been like that ever since he returned from a ten minute conversation with someone on the phone. 

It was worrying. 

All of it was worrying. 

Malcolm thankfully, was his normal chatty self, making half-snide comments about the characters in the movie and leaning over to whisper random stuff to Harry throughout the movie, except he couldn’t appreciate them as usual because he was so confused. 

He knew Niall wasn’t a fan of Malcolm but that didn’t explain everything else like Louis being gloomy, Zayn’s frown that didn’t seem to be leaving anytime soon, the anger in Niall’s face. Harry had no clue what was going on. 

His confusion only grew when Niall suddenly volunteered the two of them to get drinks for the others halfway through the movie. “What drinks are you talking about?” he asked. 

Niall whirled around and fixed him with a heated glare. Whoa. “What the fuck H?”

“Huh?” he answered, very eloquently. 

“Why is _ he _here?” he asked, the tone in his voice so full of hatred Harry was taken abacks. This was Niall Horan he was talking to, right?”

“Ni, I still have no fucking clue what you have against Malcolm but it’s not funny anymore,” he said sternly. “I told you guys I was inviting him because he wanted to hang out. Now why the fuck are you being an asshole? I’ve never seen you like this before.”

Niall snorted, “I can’t believe you.”

Harry was getting mildly pissed, “What is wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong is that you invited Malcolm to movie night! With Zayn and _ Louis _,” he said, pointing at him aggressively. Harry blanched the emphasis put on Louis’ name. Why was Niall mad about Malcolm being there when Louis was? Did he know about Malcolm’s dislike for Louis? How? 

“He’s just protective of me because he knows Louis broke my heart,” defended Harry. And that was true. Malcolm had always been the first one to reassure Harry that none of it was his fault and tell him he deserved better. He was there for Harry through the darkest times when dealing with his breakup, times when even Niall couldn’t fully be there for him (a product of him being good friends with Louis and unable to betray him completely). 

The look of complete bafflement on Niall’s face would have been hilarious in any other situation. “What the fuck are you on about?”

Harry blinked. “What the fuck are _ you _on about?”

Niall groaned, going as far as to drop his head into his hands, “You’re so oblivious Harry, it’s getting fucking annoying.”

“What the fuck?” said Harry, offended. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about Louis. And Malcolm. Who’s a fucking asshole,” whisper-shouted Niall. 

“What has he ever done to you? Why do you hate him so much?” asked Harry, completely lost. The look on Niall’s face was making him feel like he was missing something really big, really important. 

"Why do I- for fuck's sake," Niall looked so disappointed. “I can’t believe you still have no idea.”

“What? No idea about what?” he asked, still very lost. 

Niall just shook his head. “Harry, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I’ve always counted on you to tell me when I’m being stupid so I hope you’ll count on me back, and trust what I’m about to say.” He took a deep breath. “You need to talk to Louis.”

_ What does this have to do with Louis? _Harry opened his mouth to ask, only to be interrupted by Niall who wasn’t finished. 

“About Malcolm,” he clarified. “Because I’m getting sick of this mess.” 

"What-"

"If you want to start something with Louis again, then I swear to god Harry, _listen _to me," insisted Niall. Harry's jaw dropped, how did Niall even know? 

"What are you talking about?" he tried again. 

But Niall had already left the room, no drinks in hand, leaving a stunned Harry standing in the middle of the room, even more lost than he was before. 

-

**December 2013**

Louis felt like he was going to throw up. 

It shouldn’t be this difficult, he told himself. It wasn’t like Harry was going to reject him… right? 

Harry loved him, he told himself. He loved him. 

He wouldn’t say no. 

He wouldn’t be put off my such a big milestone for commitment because they _ were _committed so… there wasn’t a problem? 

But what if-

No, Harry would say yes. He had to. 

Louis was not doing well obviously. Harry was over at his flat like normal. They’ve been spending as much time together as possible since winter break started. Louis was leaving for Doncaster in two days which he was mostly happy about- happy that he would be seeing his family again for the first time in a month and a half but also sad because he’d be away from Harry for a week until Louis would join Harry at his house after Christmas to finally meet his parents. He had met Gemma a few weeks ago when she came to visit Harry and they got along really well. And Harry assured Louis that his parents already loved him so he wasn’t too worried about that. 

But the thing was they only had a little bit left together and Louis kept stalling his big question. A question that he hoped would be enthusiastically answered with “yes”. 

Louis was going to ask Harry to move in with him. 

They had been dating for ten months now, nearly an entire year. And they were some of the best months of Louis’ entire life. His love for Harry consumed him so much it was almost frightening. They were so devoted to each other, so in tune with each other, so good together. Everything was great, except… Louis wanted more. 

Harry spent a lot of time at Louis’ flat, sleeping over on the weekends and coming over to study or just hang out on the weekdays. They were ridiculously codependent and domestic despite not actually living together. And Louis wanted to bridge the gap and ask Harry to move in with him because the afternoons and mornings where Harry wasn’t with him were bleak compared to times when he was. Because when Louis was happier when Harry slept with him, holding him and talking to him and just being there. Because doing domestic stuff like cooking, cleaning, etcetera were much more fun when he was doing it with Harry. 

So he wanted Harry to move in. A lot. 

He just hoped Harry wanted the same. 

That was the issue. Harry had never actually explicitly mentioned wanted to move in with Louis. He had never said anything about changing their current routine or expressed any desire for moving forward with their relationship in that regard. The one time they briefly discussed it was because Louis was drunk, giving him enough courage to bring the topic up, but Harry had skirted around it. Sure, it was probably because Louis was drunk and Harry thought he wasn’t being serious, but he didn’t give any indication of his feelings on the topic!

So Louis had no idea if they were on the same page. 

Because even if Harry didn’t, Louis really wanted this. He wanted to live with Harry full-time. He wanted so bad. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. Every time he had to do the laundry or cook dinner for himself, he thought _ This would be much better if Harry was here. _ Even when Harry _ was _ there, he was thinking it. When they were showering together, Louis was thinking _ What if we could do this every day? _ When Harry spooned Louis or vice versa (when Louis was feeling particularly clingy and wanted to put his koala cuddling skills to use), he was thinking _ What if this happened every night? _When they watched movies together in Louis’ living room or when Harry bustled around his kitchen like he owned it (he was definitely more at home there than Louis, that was for sure), he was thinking. 

And this had been going on for _ months _now. 

So long that he had began to get sick of it, hence his current dilemma. He needed to just do it, be brave and ask Harry. The worst that could happen was that Harry said no, not now. 

_ Or he could be scared off by talk of commitment and break up with you _ said his traitorous brain. Somewhere inside, he knew he was being dramatic, but he couldn’t shake that insecurity. It was always there- the possibility that one day Harry could decide he wanted better than Louis. Despite Harry’s very helpful assurances that Louis was _ enough _ and _ everything _, Louis still sometimes felt like he wasn’t good enough. 

So yeah he was worried. 

But he had only a few days left. 

“Angel?” asked Harry, shaking Louis out of his frantic thoughts. Louis smiled at him, trying to ease the concern on his boyfriend’s face. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just worrying about last minute Christmas gifts for the girls,” said Louis. He did need to finish gift-shopping as soon as possible, so it wasn’t completely a lie. 

“We can go tomorrow if you want,” offered Harry. “I have to get a gift for Gemma, I changed my mind about the coat I was buying her.”

“It was a nice coat,” said Louis sort of nonsensically. 

“Yeah but I’m not sure if she really really wants it, y’know? Like I’m not sure whether she wanted it or she just thought it was gorgeous, but didn’t want it. She has a lot of coats already too,” said Harry, frowning as he rambled. “Shit, maybe she wants a new purse.”

Louis smiled fondly, and snuggled in closer to Harry. They were in Louis’ bed, bundled up in his warmest blankets as they watched Christmas movies. _ It’s a Wonderful Life _ was playing on Louis’ laptop screen positioned in Harry’s lap and Harry had an arm slung around his waist. Two mugs of tea were on his nightstand and the whole room was dark save for the glow of his fairy lights. It was very cozy and very nice. 

But of course, Louis couldn’t help but think _ What if we could do this whenever we wanted? _

“Are you sure you’re okay?” asked Harry, concerned again. Louis realized he was frowning and immediately forced a smile. 

“I’m fine,” he assured, but Harry still looked skeptical. 

Say it, he told himself. He opened his mouth, but what came out was, “I’m excited to give you your gift.” 

Harry grinned at him, dimples popping out that Louis always had to fight the urge to poke. Well, he sometimes fought it, right now wasn’t one of them. Harry grabbed his finger and enveloped it in his giant hand, “I’m excited to give you both your gifts.” 

Louis frowned, “I told you I’d be happy with just one.”

“You’re going to get me a Christmas present and then in February you’ll get me a birthday present so of course I’m getting you both too,” pointed out Harry. He smiled again, “And you’re going to love them.”

Louis huffed, “Oh I’m sure Harold.”

“They’re really good gifts,” said Harry, attention shifting as he used his other hand to brush through Louis’ fringe, and then cup the side of his face. “I’m going to miss you baby.”

“I’ll miss you more,” said Louis, eyes widening in emphasis. 

“Not possible,” said Harry softly, staring at Louis with this intense look of adoration that never failed to make him blush. When Harry saw the pinkness of his cheeks, he cooed and pulled him in for a kiss. 

“Love you,” said Louis.

“Love you more,” said Harry softly. 

“Not possible,” mimicked Louis, snickering as Harry rolled his eyes at him. _ Now is the time _, he told himself, but once again he found himself speechless. 

Harry sighed, resting his head on top of Louis’. Louis closed his eyes, relaxing further into Harry, letting go of the tension in his shoulders. Maybe he’d ask a different day… 

“It’s only a week,” reminded Harry. “Seven days. One hundred and sixty-eight hours. Ten thousand and-”

“I get it babe,” said Louis. 

“My point is that even though I’ll miss you all the time, I’ll know we’ll be coming home after and then we can watch more movies and drink hot cocoa,” said Harry. Louis froze, heart almost stopping. “What, what is it?” asked Harry, sitting up. “What’d I say?”

Louis couldn’t breathe. He stared at Harry in awe, lips parted and jaw slack. He was in shock, unable to believe what he just heard. What Harry just said. 

“Lou, baby, what is it?” asked Harry, worry leaking from his words. His green eyes were narrowed in confusion. 

“You said _ home _ ,” he said, voice sounding thick with emotion. His eyes felt wet the next time he blinked, “You called my flat _home_.” 

Harry went rigid, panic spreading over his features as he rushed out, “Shit, I’m so sorry Lou, it just came out, you don’t have to feel pressured... I didn’t mean to like, overwhelm-”

“Haz,” said Louis, gripping Harry’s bicep. Harry stilled. 

“Yes?”

Louis met his eyes, blue meeting green, and squeezed Harry’s arm as he said firmly, “Move in with me.”

For a moment there was absolute silence, nothing but the low drone of George and Mary flirting on screen. Harry blinked, “Louis-”

“Move in with me,” Louis repeated, moving to grab Harry’s hand. 

Harry looked absolutely astounded and Louis wanted to kiss the shock off his face. He felt a weight being lifted off his shoulders. Harry called this flat _ home. _“Do you mean it?” asked Harry eventually, words coming out so quietly, maybe a little self-consciously. 

Louis blinked back tears, “Yeah, I mean it you idiot. Why wouldn’t I want to live with the love of my life.”

Then Harry grinned, smile so bright and dimples deeper than ever. “Yes. Fuck yes, I wanna live with you!”

Louis kissed him then, unable to hold back and Harry laughed against his lips. When Harry pulled away, his cheeks were wet from Louis’ tears. Happy tears. Relieved tears. Harry said yes. Harry was moving in. 

“I’ve been wanting to ask that for _ months _,” admitted Louis, wiping his eyes. 

“Then why didn’t you ask sooner?” asked Harry, eyes shining. 

Louis blushed, shy, “I wasn’t sure what you would say.” At Harry’s look of disbelief, he rushed on defensively, “You never said anything about wanting to!”

Harry let out a shocked laugh, “Why wouldn’t I want to move in with you!?” He shook his head, “I can’t believe you didn’t think I’d immediately say yes.”

Louis shrugged, feeling sort of dumb but also really fucking happy. Harry wasn’t scared of commitment. They were moving in together! “Before next semester,” said Louis, grabbing his hand. “I want you with me as soon as possible.”

Harry’s grin was radiant as he squeezed back, “Done.”

Later on when they were laying in bed, laptop lying abandoned a few feet away, with Louis’ head on Harry’s chest and Harry’s fingers running through his hair oh so gently, Harry whispered, “Lou.”

“Yeah?” asked Louis sleepily. His eyes were drooping in effort to stay awake. 

“I said this place felt like home,” said Harry. “But it’s not completely true. Home is you. You’re my home.”

If Louis wasn’t so tired, he’d immediately burst into tears then. Instead he blinked away the wetness in his eyes and gathered his remaining strength to reach up and press a kiss to Harry’s bare shoulder, “I love you Harry Styles. I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you just as much,” replied Harry, amusement in his words. Louis huffed in laughter, rolling his eyes. “Just trying to avoid an argument,” said Harry jokingly. “I love you to the moon and back times infinity and then double that.”

“Yeah, yeah, ditto and all that,” said Louis nonchalantly, but he was grinning into Harry's chest like a fool. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone say thank you Niall.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thursday, guess I'm uploading twice this week...
> 
> Here is 6k of angst but also fluff, have fun :)

**September 28th 2017**

Today was the 28th. Of September. Harry hadn’t even realized until about 10 in the morning when he glanced at his calendar while checking dates to meet with his label (and announce that he was ready to choose a release date!!). Needless to say, he felt the air whoosh out of him as the red letters stared mockingly back at him. September 28th. 

The ache he felt all these hours later was just as strong as it had been at that moment. He wondered if Louis knew what today was, if he was feeling the same. If the ache Harry was feeling was mirrored in the other man’s chest. 

September 28th 2015 had been rough, understandably so, the wounds were still raw and fresh when this cursed day had arrived- it was like Harry was being taunted at by the universe, forced to simmer in the day’s memories while his anger and sadness suffocated him. September 28th 2016 had been better, closer to just a regular day than he could have ever asked for. He still thought of him, of course he did. September 28th was their blessed day. But now. Now, was different. 

And the reason it was different was because Louis. 

He was the reason he couldn’t stop thinking about this day, about how strong and easy everything way back then. How happy they were. How in love they felt. 

And with every passing hour, Harry felt more and more sure that he was finally making a decision. A decision to try again. 

He didn’t want to surrender this easily, but it was hard, so hard. When Louis smiled at him or teased him or showed up in one of Harry’s sweaters (which he seemingly had a vast collection of- Harry had no idea how he had never realized there were so many missing articles of clothing from his closet but that was beside the point). 

And with every passing hour it became clear that Harry could never make any other decision than to give Louis another chance. Did he still want closure? Yes. But did he want to move on? No, definitely not. Louis and him were the perfect match. The two years they spent together were golden, well except for the last month or so- but even then they were better off. Because they were together. 

So he had made his decision. 

Now he just had to figure out what he was going to do about it.

Not to mention, the words Niall had grilled into him were constantly circulating through his brain. _ Talk to Louis. Talk to Louis. _

_ Talk to Louis. _

_ About Malcolm. _

He still had no idea what that was even about, and Niall was refusing to give him any more information, just firmly reminding him whenever he asked that he had to ask Louis about it. So that was also on his list. 

He closed his new songwriting journal and set it on his desk, smiling fondly because _ Louis _bought it for him. He saw it at a store and was reminded of him, Harry. He picked it up and bought it and took it home with him to give to Harry. He got it. Special. For Harry. It was so sweet, and also giving Harry way too much hope that a second chance was potentially in the cards for them. 

It was kind of ridiculous to think that he could have ever decided anything else though. Even today, memories of their relationship flooded him, leaving him wistful and yearning for times long past. Louis had been the love of his life, and try as Harry had, he had never been able to find someone else that met the level of feelings and captivation that he felt for the blue-eyed man. Louis really was one of a kind, and possibly still the love of his life… 

Funny, that. 

And now that this realization had been established, Harry didn’t want to waste any time. They were going out tonight at a club, just the boys and maybe Barbara, and Harry wasn’t going to hold back. He managed to charm Louis once before (leading to the best thing that had ever happened to him), and he was damn set on doing it again. 

He wanted Louis back. 

He was going to get him back. 

Hopefully. 

-

“Whoa,” said Niall. Harry peered back at him through the mirror where he was currently fixing up his hair. Niall’s eyebrows were raised and there was a look of surprise on his face, and maybe- uneasiness? “You looking to pull?”

Harry surveyed his outfit. Niall was right, it was a pulling outfit. He was wearing ripped black skin tight jeans with boots, a fancy silk white shirt that was unbuttoned to the navel and rolled up to show off his forearms. His hair was gelled back, reminiscent of how he used to wear his hair back when he was 19. There was a light dusting of stubble on his upper lip. He knew he looked good. And smelled good on top of it (he may have spent an hour searching for his old peppermint cologne that Louis had always complimented, but no one had to know). “Maybe,” he said vaguely.

Niall looked distressed, “Harry-”

“What?”

Niall stared at him, mouth opening as if he wanted to say something. His lips snapped shut, frowning. “Never mind,” he said, before walking away. Harry was once again, left confused. But he didn’t let it distract him too much. 

The ride there consisted of Harry being antsy and apprehensive. Liam chattered on about something his sister said to him earlier that day. Niall and Barbara (whom they picked up) laughed, but Harry wasn’t listening. He probably should be paying attention to his flatmates more, especially since Niall, his best mate, was _ moving out _soon. 

He had broken the news the other night and Harry and Liam had been surprised but not completely shocked, since he and Barbara had been wanting to move in together for ages but things kept getting in the way- Niall’s studies, Barbara’s Masters, and other personal issues. But they were finally able and eager to move on, planning on mid-November for moving into a new flat (they’ve already scoped out a few potential spots, choosing a top three for their prioritized candidates). 

Harry was sad to see his best friend move out, but he also knew it wouldn’t change anything for them or their relationship. They’d still see each other all the time (“I’m not giving back my key,” Niall had declared. “I want to be able to get in and scare the living daylights out of you in the middle of the night as efficiently as possible.”) Harry would miss eating breakfast and having cereal fights with his best mate, as well as having unplanned crappy reality TV marathons, and making fun of Liam all the time. He’d miss being able to walk ten feet out of his room to talk to Niall and ask him for advice or tell him something funny, hell, he’d even miss Niall’s rants about work. Those days would forever be treasured, but again, Harry knew that their friendship would endure without a hitch. 

Liam and him had also discussed getting another flatmate but had decided against it for the meantime. It wasn’t necessary financially and plus Harry was sure Liam had dreams of moving in with Zayn in the future… Harry now had his own future plans to think of too. Their flat had been home to him for the past two years, but knowing that that golden era was coming to an end wasn’t as devastating as he initially thought. 

So yeah, he probably should’ve been taking advantage of the time he had left with Niall being his flatmate, but he couldn’t. Like his past self had once struggled with, he found that he couldn’t focus on anything about Louis Louis Louis. 

Louis, who was the first person he spotted when they entered the club. He was tucked into the booth in between Zayn and an unfamiliar brunette. A woman, so Harry wasn’t too worried when he saw Louis throw his head back in a laugh, eyes bright and happy. 

He wasn’t surprised when she was introduced as Dana, one of Louis’ closest friends. Louis had mentioned her quite a bit via text- she was a fellow teacher (an art teacher) who Louis had gotten close to in his first year. Harry had been surprised to find out that they had immediately become friends upon meeting since Dana was assigned to show Louis the ropes and get him settled in. That meant that they were friends even when Louis and Harry were together. 

And past Harry had no idea. 

Past Harry wasn’t a good boyfriend to Louis in the last few months, it was becoming more and more clear and Harry was feeling more and more guilty. But he’d make it up to Louis if he was allowed, he told himself. Maybe he’d actually get the chance to. 

“Nice to meet you,” said Dana warmly. He shook her head, returning her smile, but inside he was slightly intimidated. Louis said they were really close. How much did this woman know about him? Had she been there after the break up? Was she like Mal in that she’d hold a grudge against him because he was Louis’ ex and had caused him pain?

He had no way of knowing but her demeanor was as polite and friendly. Whether it was forced or not was yet to be seen. 

Harry was distracted all through the usual routine of small talk and catching up between the group. Drinks were passed around and even did a round of shots. Nothing new. He should probably be taking advantage of this opportunity by winning over one of Louis’ good friends, but he couldn’t be bothered to make an effort. His attention was solely and wholly focused on the man sat diagonally across from him. Louis, dressed in a black low cut shirt that showed off his delicate collarbones and maybe might even be _ sheer- _the possibility had Harry flustered. He was also wearing black jeans that Harry just knew accentuated the curve of his arse. He was also jacketless today- a few colored string bracelets covering his faded scars. Harry was happy to see them fade, now easily covered by bracelets rather than sleeves, and was eager for them to fade from existence entirely. 

The golden smooth skin now put on display because of his bare arms was tantalizing. Louis was mesmerizing. Harry had almost forgotten to what extent his beauty captivated- he couldn’t go ten seconds without glancing at him, seeing his sparkling blue eyes, tracing the curve of his cheekbones and throat, studying the flutter of his long eyelashes, and watching the way his soft, pink mouth opened and pronounced words. Harry was drawn to everything- the curve of his arched eyebrows, the angle of his jaw, the way a few tufts of honey brown hair stuck out haphazardly (and adorably). 

Liam and Zayn skipped off to dance (code word for make out) and after a while, Niall and Barbara left too. Harry then forced himself to engage Dana in a more polite conversation in which he actually paid attention (he still glanced at Louis out of the corner of his eye every thirty seconds, but you can’t win ‘em all). After a while, it seemed that Dana had begun to _ notice _his wandering eyes because she smirked at him, before clearing her throat and excusing herself to go get a drink. 

And then there were two. 

“So Harold-”

“Dance with me,” interrupted Harry. He exhaled, not expecting himself to just blurt it out. Louis blinked, mouth parting. Harry calmed the racing of his heart, willing his gaze not to wander to the wetness of his pink, soft lips. 

“What?” Louis’ voice had softened and he looked suddenly very vulnerable and young. 

“Dance with me,” Harry repeated slowly, licking his lips. He noted that Louis instantly tracked the movement. “Please. I want to dance… with you.”

“I…” started Louis, and there was a flash of emotions too quick for Harry to decipher. _ Please say yes. _“Alright.” There was clear hesitancy in his voice, but he had accepted. Harry stood up and held out a hand to help Louis up. 

He ignored the sparks that flickered when Louis placed his smaller, daintier hand in his and stood up. “C’mon,” he said, and then he led Louis to the dance floor. 

-

Louis nearly passed out when Harry rested his big hands on his hips. His touch was gentle, fleeting, nothing inappropriate. But still- any contact from Harry was intense. He had a way of making anyone feel like they were the only one in the room, the only one lucky enough to have caught his attention. His grip always felt firm and protective, like you’d be safe in his arms. 

Fucking hell. 

Harry asked him to dance. To dance! And Louis said yes. Because he’s a fucking idiot who couldn’t resist the temptation. Dance with Harry, after all these years. It was a dream come true. One he could never pass up. And so he gripped Harry’s shoulders and let the buzz from the chaos around them lull him into a state of calm and composure. A very false state, but a state nonetheless. 

The music wasn’t exactly slow, but it wasn’t outrageously quick either, so they just swayed to the beat. Harry pulled him in closer and Louis’ heart skipped a beat. 

_ What are you doing? _Part of him wanted to ask, but the other part wanted to savor this unexpected turn in events. This miracle. 

This was a big mistake waiting to happen, despite the current euphoria running through his veins and buzzing in his brain. He’d be devastated when it inevitably ended, but until then he’d soak it in. Harry’s hands on him. Harry’s breath on his cheek. Harry. 

“Lou,” murmured Harry after a couple songs had passed. His voice had deepened, causing shivers to run down his spine. Louis felt as if he were in a daze. Nothing but the low buzz of the music and Harry’s touch anchoring him to earth, keeping him from floating away. “Louis.” 

Feeling fingers prod his jaw, he looked up, meeting Harry’s electric gaze. Harry’s hand didn’t move away, instead it moved to cup his face. Louis did physically shiver this time. Harry’s gaze devoured the display and once again, Louis was pulled even closer, breath hitching as he bumped into Harry’s firm chest. “Harry.”

Harry was inches away from him, breath tickling his skin. His other hand moved from his hip, to the small of his back, pressing him in closer. Louis squeezed his shoulders, hands sliding to wrap around his neck. _ Bad idea bad idea bad idea bad idea. _

Louis ignored his brain, and allowed Harry to lean in and press his lips to the sensitive spot behind his right ear. Breath hitching, his vision glitched and he blinked back spots. His next exhale was shaky and breathless. Harry mouthed at his skin wetly, and Louis clutched desperately at his shoulders and neck, burying his face into Harry’s sweet smelling hair. Peppermints. Harry smelled like peppermints. Dozens of old memories flooded his brain as he stood there, still swaying dangerously to the music as Harry breathed against him. 

This was such a bad idea… 

“Can I?” asked Harry, voice coming out in a rasp. He whimpered, before nodding. _ BAD IDEA. BAD IDEA. _

Harry cupped his face on both sides, meeting his eyes to check once again that Louis was okay with this. He nodded again, now overtaken with desire and longing and desperation to feel Harry’s lips touch his once more. 

When they did, he sighed. One hand slipped down to clutch at the thin fabric of Harry’s silk shirt, the other tangling itself in Harry’s lovely curls. Harry groaned into their kiss, taking control like always. Louis was burning. 

A blaze. That’s what kissing Harry was like. It was what kissing Harry had always been like, right from the beginning when Harry was just 19 and Louis was just 21 and both of them were more reserved and shy with their moves, taking their time to explore each other before getting ambitious.

One thing was for sure, Harry was definitely not 19 anymore. He kissed with the power and skill of an experienced individual. And even after all this time, he still knew Louis’ mouth better than he did. Dimly, Louis was aware that this was the first time he’d been kissed in about two years and nine months, but any other internal thoughts were quickly doused as the kiss overwhelmed every part of him. 

Every cell in his body was tingling- reverberating. He felt like he was on fire. It felt more right than anything Louis had done in ages. But god, it was so wrong. 

This was so wrong. 

Panic bubbled up inside him, and next thing he knew, he was wrenching himself away, gasping in breaths of air, sweat gathering on his neck. The warmth of Harry’s body disappeared and with it, the false aura of adrenaline and boldness. Harry was wide-eyed as Louis stumbled back, arms coming up to hug himself. “We shouldn’t have done that,” he breathed out. 

“Wait-” 

But he was already spinning away and tearing through the crowd of people, clawing his way to freedom, tears growing in his eyes. A hand found his shoulder when he had stepped off the dance floor, stopping him abruptly. “Louis,” said Harry, breathlessly. “We have to talk about this.”

“What is there to talk about?” he asked, shaking. He squeezed his eyes shut. Shit shit shit.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but that was not meant to be a one-time thing,” said Harry firmly. Louis’ eyes snapped open, shocked. He felt all the blood drain from his face and the air rush out of his lungs. 

“What?” 

“I didn’t want to bring it up like this, but,” said Harry, as he grabbed Louis’ hand and squeezed his fingers gently. “I would like to take you out on a date.”

Louis blinked, stunned.

“I like you Louis, I like you more than friends. I’m beginning to think I’ll never not like you more than friends,” said Harry, a sliver of self-deprecation shining through. He squeezed Louis’ hand. “I want to give us a second chance, and I really, really hope you feel the same.” 

“I…” Louis’ insides were screaming. Harry _ liked _ him. He asked Louis on a _ date. _Again. Despite everything. Despite Louis breaking up with him. Despite him supposedly breaking Harry’s heart. Despite the fact that it’s been years. Despite everything and after all the shit that’s happened- Harry was asking Louis out. He had never thought this was possible. 

He wanted to weep of joy or pinch himself repeatedly until he woke up from what must be a dream. This had to be a dream… 

But it wasn’t. The pressure on his hand was real. The earnest look Harry was giving him was real. This was real. 

Yet Louis couldn’t accept it. 

Because Harry may still want Louis and Louis may still want Harry more than anything in the world, but nothing else had changed. 

“I… can’t,” said Louis shakily. Tears were really gathering in his eyes this time. “Harry, I _ can’t _. I’m so sorry.” 

Harry’s face visibly fell. “You don’t even want to think about it?”

Louis blinked as a tear made his way down his cheek, dropping down to his collarbone. He shook his head, “This isn’t a good idea, Haz.”

“But Lou, it’s _ us _,” said Harry. “We were perfect. We were everything.” 

“Were,” whispered Louis. “We _ were _everything.”

“We could be again,” insisted Harry. 

Louis shook his head. “No.” 

Pain flashed in Harry’s eyes, “I don’t understand, why am I not enough?” His tone was pleading, like he desperately wanted an answer- wanted a reason. 

And Louis wanted to laugh. Why wasn’t Harry enough? How could he not see? “It’s not you, it’s me,” he said, tearfully. “It was always me.”

“What?” asked Harry. 

Louis shook his head, “I haven’t changed my mind Harry. We aren’t supposed to be together.”

“Why?” asked Harry, refusing to let go if his grasp on Louis’ hand despite his attempts to break out. “Tell me why Louis. You never explained. You never told me why that night, why weren’t we enough?”

Louis looked around, searching for an escape. There were people all around, dancing, laughing, living their best lives. They all got to be happy. Louis never got to be happy. He shook his head again, “I can’t do this.”

He moved to walk away, but Harry pulled him back, “Niall told me to ask you about Malcolm.”

Louis stilled, limbs freezing in place and heart stuttering. 

Harry studied his reaction, “What’s going on?”

He just shook his head desperately, “Harry please let go.”

Harry let go immediately, because he was Harry, he’d choose the right thing to do no matter how much he wanted something. But he still gazed at Louis with so much desperation and hurt in his eyes. “Don’t you think I deserve to know?”

He did. But Louis didn’t want to tell him anyway. He shook his head, tears falling freely now. He choked on a sob. 

“Please,” begged Harry, stepping closer. Louis stepped back, faltering on his step and almost tumbling. “I know things weren’t good then but I wanted it to get better, I thought you did too. Why did you give up on us?” 

Louis cried out. _ I had to, _ he wanted to scream. _ It was the right choice. It’s still the right choice. _

“Why wasn’t I enough?” asked Harry brokenly. There was so much pain in his voice, and wetness was staining his cheekbones. Tears. Harry was crying because of him. It tore at Louis’ heart, the fact that Harry actually felt that way, that _ Louis _made him feel that way. Before he knew it, all of it was bubbling up to the surface and falling from his lips. 

“For god’s sake, it wasn’t you, it was me! I’m the one who wasn’t enough!” he yelled. Harry froze, jaw slackening in shock. Louis took a shaky breath, trembling, before continuing, “Do you know what it feels like Harry? To see the person you love more than anyone else in the world, grow apart from you? Do you know what it feels like to love someone so much but they spend as little time possible with you? To have that person find so much success and happiness and joy and know that you cannot fit into that new world, because you aren’t good enough?”

Harry was gaping at him, but Louis just went on, “I never fit in with all your new friends and new lifestyle and you knew it. So you hid me.” He paused to let out a sob, “You _ hid _me!”

“Louis-” 

“You were gone all the time,” continued Louis. “Don’t you think I knew it wasn’t all for work? You just didn’t want to come home anymore. Probably didn’t even feel like home to you. You were out with friends, friends I didn’t know or friends you didn’t want me to hang out with. And you never talked to me about anything anymore. I know you were busy, but you didn’t want me to be a part of your decisions. You made a decision about hiding our _ relationship _without consulting me, one half of said relationship.” Louis wrapped his arms around his middle, shrinking in on himself. His words were wavering, he knew they were, but he even after all these years he was affected. Still ashamed. Hurt. Harry was still gaping, rooted to the same spot. There was a look of horror on his face. It didn’t make Louis feel any better. “You were going a million miles behind but I was still stuck in the same place. I was behind. You left me behind…” 

Harry looked stricken. 

“You once told me I was your home,” whispered Louis wetly. “But I guess somethings change.” 

He took a deep breath. 

“And Malcolm… Malcolm was the first one who noticed that I was holding you back,” his voice faltering on the last few words. 

Harry’s eyes bugged out, but Louis ignored him once again, “He was right. I was holding you back. You deserved someone who could keep up with you H, maybe even him himself. I always thought he’d make a move once I was out of the picture.” The last sentence came out in a whisper, a confession so embarrassing and dark that he never dwelled on it too long despite it being the subject of a good chunk of his sobbing in the first few weeks. “That’s why I ended it.”

“Wait-”

“We aren’t meant to be together Harry, I still don’t fit in with that life, and I never want my partner to be embarrassed or ashamed of me.”

“I wasn’t ever embarrassed or-” 

“Don’t lie to me,” said Louis, blinking away another wave of tears. He shook his head, “I can’t do this.” He turned away only to be gripped again on the shoulder. 

“Wait Lou, wait-”

This time he didn’t let himself be persuaded, he yanked himself out of Harry’s grasp and stumbled through the crowded floor, hands coming up to muffle his weeping. Everything faded to a blur as he rushed to the bar. He spotted Dana’s familiar wavy brown hair and red dress. She was standing, chatting with the bartender, a wide grin on her face.

Louis didn’t feel bad as he nearly crashed into her, shaking like a leaf. “Lou!” exclaimed Dana, alarmed. Her eyes widened as she took in his dishevelled appearance- his mussed up fringe, puffy red eyes, and trembling body. “What happened?”

“I want to go,” he whispered, whimpering. “_Please_.”

She didn’t hesitate to nod, and then she was sliding a couple bills to the concerned bartender who shot Louis a sympathetic look, and then slipped a comforting arm around his waist. “C’mon darling,” she said softly. “I’m taking you home for tea.”

He closed his eyes and let Dana lead him outside and away. 

Away from the bar. Away from Harry. Away from the mess he just created. 

-

**September 28th 2013**

“Wake up sunshine,” Harry cooed. Louis groaned, burying his head deeper into the mattress. A hand gently caressed the top of his head and a moment later, Louis felt lips press at his temple. “Good morning beautiful.”

“Fuck off,” said Louis, squeezing his eyes shut. Harry poked the smile fighting to break out on Louis’ face, who huffed, squirming away. “I’m asleep.”

“Don’t make me drag you out of bed,” tutted Harry. “I have a whole day laid out and everything, staying in bed is booorrrring compared to what I have planned.”

Louis cracked an eye open solely for the purpose of raising an eyebrow, “Oh really?”

Harry grinned at him. He was a vision, almost naked save for a pair of tight black briefs. Louis could see his very obvious bulge, that still admittedly made his throat close up (they hadn’t gone too far intimately but Louis couldn’t lie and say he didn’t think about it all the time). His hair was falling into his eyes- his eyes which were bright and sparkling even in the morning. He looked unfairly good. “Of course, gotta show my boy what he deserves,” said Harry happily. 

Louis’ heart fluttered and he pressed his face back into the sheets to hide his blush. 

He felt a lot better after their conversation in the middle of the night. Louis felt a weight lifted off of him and a lot of insecurities eased. Harry thought he was enough. Harry adored him. Louis loved this boy so much. 

“C’mon baby, get up,” whispered Harry, tugging gently at his waist. Louis whined, but allowed himself to be pulled out of the bed and into Harry’s waiting arms. He relaxed immediately into the hug, nosing at Harry’s collarbone and gripping his biceps. Harry slid his hands under Louis’ shirt- well Harry’s shirt. “Love it when you wear my clothes,” said Harry. 

“I love it too,” said Louis. 

“Breakfast time,” said Harry after another minute of them just standing there, holding each other and breathing under the dim morning light. “I’m making your favorite pancakes.”

“Yum,” said Louis. He followed Harry to the kitchen and immediately took up residence on the counter, swinging his bare feet. Harry slipped on an apron (because despite his naked tendencies, he still had some respect for hygiene) and they talked throughout the whole process. 

After eating breakfast (and after lots and lots of praise and compliments from Louis to Harry on his skills), they both showered and then got dressed. Harry assured Louis that he could dress casually, so he wore jeans, a red shirt, and vans. Harry was similarly dressed when he came out of the closet except in a white shirt and beanie. “Ready babe?”

“Yes love,” said Louis. “Now where exactly are you taking me?”

“It’s a surprise,” said Harry, pouting like a frog waving his finger at Louis. “No hints either. You’ll have to be patient.”

Louis huffed, and then made it his mission to bug Harry about it until he gave in (Harry should’ve known Louis is the least patient person alive.”

“We’re almost there,” promised Harry, ten minutes later after Louis’ attempts proved futile. He didn’t recognize the route they were taking either so he was forced to wait. Harry gently patted his thigh where he had been resting his hand and Louis put his hand on top of it, admiring their size difference, before intertwining their fingers. 

After a second, “Pleaseeeeee?”

Harry groaned. “Louu, five more miles angel, c’mon.”

Louis pouted but decided to take pity on his boyfriend and remain silent for the rest of the ride. “Thank you,” whispered Harry when they finally came to a stop. Louis looked outside and gasped. They were at a theater, that much was clear. The thing that caught Louis’ attention most of all was which play was being performed in five minutes: Grease. 

And not only was it his favorite musical being acted, but the sign under the bold black lettering informed Louis that there would be audience participation which is one of Louis’ favorite parts of seeing plays. “Haz.”

“Happy?”

“Fuck yes,” Louis gushed, grabbing Harry’s hand and pulling him through the entrance. Harry’s laugh was loud and endearing. 

During the performance, both Louis and Harry sang their hearts out to the lyrics and and cheered enthusiastically, leading to them being chosen to participate in Rydell’s National Dance-Off meters away from Danny and Sandy themselves. Louis was grinning like a fool the entire time Harry spun him around, the single gay couple in the sea of boy-girl partners. When they were ushered back to their seats, Louis was still wearing a giant grin, heart soaring in glee. “Liked it?” asked Harry, smiling fondly at the pure bliss on Louis’ features. 

“Loved it,” said Louis. _ Love you. _

“There’s more to come,” said Harry looking smug. 

He was right. After the play finished and they made a joint donation to the sponsored charity for the night, the two set off for whatever Harry had planned next. 

Much to Louis’ surprise and then complete excitement, the next stop was an animal shelter. This particular one was open to the public on certain days for people to come by and give the sweet cats and dogs the attention they were deprived of. Louis was in heaven for the next hour and a half they spent cuddling with the adorable creatures. Harry was very happy to see that the animals had some sort of magnetic attraction to his boyfriend- kittens nuzzling into his arms and legs and puppies yapping excitedly for his attention- like they could all recognize that Louis was someone lovely and bright. Harry couldn’t blame them, not at all. 

Plus watching Louis be surrounded by kittens and puppies was definitely a vision he was content seeing, especially as he petted a couple of kittens himself, a black one in particular becoming attached to him. 

Louis was all smiles when they finally left, mostly due to the lovely animals, but also partly because he overheard Harry talking to the manager about returning sometime in the future to adopt one of their own pets. It was the sort of long-term talk that made him feel all fuzzy inside, and maybe encouraged him to maybe share the extent of his feelings for the curly-headed boy. 

After that stop they had lunch at one of Louis’ favorite cafes where Harry had the staff present Louis with a bouquet of sunflowers which accepted, face flushing the entire time. They talked avidly the entire time, even after their plates had been emptied, so captivated by each other’s presence. Harry’s deep drawl lulled Louis into a state of peace and satisfaction- he could listen to his boyfriend speak for hours. 

Harry paid for the entire meal despite Louis’ (admittedly half-hearted) protests. They shared dessert of a strawberry tart and then made out outside under an overhang of purple wisteria, sucking the strawberry taste from each other’s mouths like a drug. 

They went to a small amusement park after taking a small walk in a nearby park, and Harry won Louis a teddy bear- small and cute. “Something precious for someone precious,” murmured Harry into his ear, before nipping at the sensitive spot right behind his lobe. Louis didn’t stop blushing for the next thirty minutes. 

They rode the ferris wheel to the top and appreciated the view of London around them (and okay, made out a little too). Then they paid for one of those horse-driven carriage rides that Louis had always thought of as cheesy or strange, but could confess that he had changed his mind after the one he and Harry took, hands linked and Louis’ head resting on Harry’s shoulder. 

After a few hours spent there, they moved on to a hiking trail which Louis first huffed about, before begrudgingly realizing it was a simple route which took them to a beautiful vista point where they watched the sunset. 

“Lou,” said Harry quietly right as the sun was just barely lingering over the horizon. Louis looked over to meet Harry’s eyes, still luminous even in the dimming evening light. 

“Yeah love?” 

Harry took his hand, pressing a tender kiss to the back of his palm. “I hope you had fun today.”

“You know I did,” said Louis, smiling. “Thank you Harry, today was incredible...” He paused for a moment before adding shyly, “You make me so happy.”

Harry smiled at him, gazing at him with so much emotion that Louis could feel it weigh down on him. Not weigh down like a hinderance, but more like Harry’s affection was grounding him. Anchoring him and making him feel appreciated and _ loved. _

Which is why it wasn’t surprising when the next words that came out of Harry’s mouth were, “I love you.”

Louis’ breath caught, something glowing inside him- correction, his love for the man in front of him glowing inside of him. “I love you too,” he said, the smile overtaking his face so radiant it was almost as if the sun had never set. 

Harry cupped his face with one palm and pulled him into a searing kiss, wet and hot and sweet and gentle all at once. Harry broke away to whisper, “You are everything to me.”

“You’re everything to _ me, _” repeated Louis, knowing it could be heard in the affected tone of his voice. His love for Harry was all-encompassing. So big and growing with every second, taking up every part of him to the point where Louis was afraid to open his mouth too long in fear it’d all come pouring out. 

“You deserve all the love and devotion in the world,” said Harry seriously. “And I’m willing to give it all to you.”

They didn’t come down for another half hour. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me for that cliffhanger, hope the flashback made up for it :) The amount of fluff in those couple thousand words made me nauseous to be quite frank, but I felt like you guys deserved it. 
> 
> Anyway, I've already started writing the next chapter and let me tell you, it's going to be a LONG one. I don't know if it'll dethrone Chapter 9 (in all its 10 thousand word goodness) but it's definitely going to be around 7-8k words... Lots of flashbacks in the next chapter, get excited (or nervous, that'd be better preparation, hehe). 
> 
> I hope everyone's having a good day and is enjoying the story!


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can call this a Harry interlude if ya want, the twin sister to the Louis interlude back in Chapter 9 (damn, that was so long ago, huh). It's about 9.7k words, almost 10k so... pretty long. 
> 
> But I hope it gives you some more insight into Harry's side of what happened over the two years our lovers were apart.

**September 28th 2017**

“What happened?” were the first words out of Niall’s mouth when Harry collapsed onto the bench across from where Barbara and Niall were laughing and cuddling. “H?”

He wiped away the tears staining his cheeks and rested his head on the table. 

“Whoa, Harry are you okay?” asked Barbara, concern coming from her voice. He didn’t bother responding. 

“You talked to him,” said Niall abruptly. Harry flinched, throat too clogged up to answer verbally. It didn’t matter anyway, Niall didn’t state it like a question. “Oh shit, so you know now?”

Harry sniffled, nodding. 

“I’m so sorry Haz,” said Niall earnestly, eyes glistening. “I’m so sorry.”

Barbara looked very confused, but she didn’t press as Niall came around to wrap an arm around his best friend. “Hey babe, can you get me a drink?” he asked, widening his eyes at his girlfriend and not being subtle at all. Barbara nodded before leaving the two of them alone. 

“Tell me what he said,” said Harry abruptly.

Niall frowned, “Are you sure you’re-”

“_Tell me _ ,” pleaded Harry. He needed to know, needed to twist the knife in his gut deeper and deeper until he could focus on something- _ anything _that wasn’t the look on Louis’ face just now. The pain and hurt and insecurity in his eyes in his shining blue eyes was a sight Harry would never forget. “What did Malcolm say specifically?” The words tasted bitter coming out of his mouth. He didn’t want to believe it- Malcolm was one of his closest friends, he’d never do such a thing. 

Except he had always held a grudge against Louis that was so deep, it confused Harry at times and Harry had always been the first to push hate and blame on Louis because it was easier than accepting his role in the disaster. 

Niall practically snarled, “He’s a fucking asshole H, believe me. I know you’re shocked and surprised and he’s one of your best mates, but you have no clue what he was like when he wasn’t around you- he was a total dickhead to Louis _ all the time. _The things he said…” Harry grimaced, not because he was shocked but because he knew. He knew the sorts of things Malcolm has said about Louis, and those were the ones he actually had enough gall to say in front of Harry, there’s no telling the extent of what he had said behind Harry's back. 

And to Louis's face.

The thought made him nauseous, “This was happening the whole time?” 

Niall nodded, sadness in his eyes, “Pretty much. It was minor in the beginning but it grew really fast. He was horrible, mate.”

“Why didn’t Louis ever say anything to me?” asked Harry, words coming out in a whisper. 

Niall still heard him, and shook his head defeatedly, “I don’t know completely… We only talked about it a few times… I think he was embarrassed and ashamed. He believed him, y’know. He actually believed the shit Malcolm was spewing about him, and I guess he wanted to pretend it didn’t affect him, but it did…” Niall frowned, hesitating slightly before continuing cautiously, “I think… I think maybe he was afraid you’d choose Malcolm over him.”

The statement felt like a punch to the gut. “I would never,” he insisted brokenly. “I’d never choose anyone over Louis. I can’t believe he thought I would.” _ I can’t believe I didn’t prove that to him enough to the point where he’d think I would. _

“It was all so fucked up H,” said Niall, regretfully. “And… not to make you feel worse than you probably already do right now, but… you being gone all the time didn’t really help. He thought you didn’t want to spend any time with him. He actually said that me, to my _face_.” Harry flinched, guilt bubbling within him. 

“He’d call me sometimes, in the afternoon… We’d talk about random stuff and then he’d casually ask if I knew where you were because you didn’t tell him where you were going or how long you’d be gone,” said Niall and Harry almost started crying again right there. 

“I fucked up,” said Harry tearfully. “I fucked up and ruined the best thing that ever happened to me Ni, how am I supposed to get back from this?”

“Well the real question is… do you want to get back from this, or do you want to fix it?” asked Niall. 

Harry didn’t even need time to think about it this time, “Fix it. Shit, I’m still in love with him Ni.” He was shaking with dry sobs when Niall pulled him into a side hug. 

“It’s okay Haz, I believe in you. You’re going to fix it,” he said firmly. “You’re going to apologize and make it up to Louis and then get him back.” 

Harry nodded, the resolve stabilizing and developing in his brain. He was a mess but that determination- that _ vow _was crystal clear. He had to fix this. 

“And you’re unfriending Malcolm as soon as possible,” said Niall. “I never want to be the one who interferes with other people’s friendships and all that, but that guy is a piece of shit. He’s toxic and manipulative and a total jerk.” 

Harry winced, because even though the words were starting to seem more and more like the truth, it still hurt. Knowing that someone he had trusted, someone he had confided in and considered as one of his best advisors, was really someone who _ hurt _ someone he loved more than anything else in the world. 

The anger that was flickering was a strike being lit, and Harry knew the fire would only grow before he finally called Malcolm. Because he was calling him, probably even meeting up with him. He needed to see it face to face- confront him about what he had done and why in person so he could see once and for all what type of person one of his “best friends” was. 

“I’ll call the others and tell them we should go home early,” offered Niall. 

“Louis went home already,” said Harry slowly, voice faltering on Louis’ same. “I pushed him to leave. God, he probably hates me.” 

“I dunno about that,” said Niall. “But I do know you have a hell of a lot to make up for.”

“I will. I’ll do it,” said Harry- swore Harry. It was a promise. A promise to himself, a promise to Louis, and a promise to the universe. He wasn’t giving up this time. 

-

**Early November 2014**

Harry cursed as he bumped into a streetlamp, “Jesus Christ.” He rubbed his glazed eyes, trying and failing to blink away the blurriness. 

“Careful H,” said Malcolm, tightening his grip around Harry’s middle. “The door is literally five feet away, you can do it.”

Harry groaned, but put all his effort into moving forward nonetheless. Everything around him was spinning- the only thing tangible enough to focus on was Malcolm’s arm wrapped around him. “Fuuuuucccckkk. I’m messed upppp.”

Malcolm cackled, “We both are love, but I think you’ve got me beat.” 

The fact that he was swaying dangerously for the barely thirty seconds Malcolm let go of him to haul open the door (while not as bad as Harry, he was definitely still drunk) and then shove Harry inside. Harry stumbled, flailing. “Whoaaa, that was close.” 

Malcolm giggled, “C’mon, I don’t want your over-protective boyfriend to lecture me if we take any longer, it’s already 1 am.”

If Harry weren’t so wasted, maybe he’d notice the bitterness tainting Malcolm’s seemingly sarcastic comment, but he was so nothing ticked him off. “Lou’s probably sleeping now. He’s sleepy, my sleepy baby.”

Malcolm’s scowl lasted a split second before he was giggling again, “Let’s go Styles.”

They leaned on each other as they slowly climbed the stairs, pausing to rest and laugh some more every few steps. It took them half an hour to get upstairs, not as bad as it could’ve been. In fact, they both found it completely hilarious. 

It took another five minutes to unlock the door- Harry couldn’t find his keys for the first bit, snorting when he finally found them in his pocket (“I dunno why I didn’t look there already, huh.”) and then dropping them a total of three times before finally getting inside. It was dark in the flat, and completely silent. Well, it was before Malcolm burst into giggles again.

Dimly, Harry was thinking they should be quiet because Louis was definitely sleeping and he didn’t want to wake him especially now that he was working, but when he whispered to “Shhhh,” and Malcolm asked, “Why?” Harry immediately forgot- the side effects of a drunken mind. They both laughed again, sounds bouncing off the quiet room. “Okay byeeeee Mal.”

“Byeeee Harry,” said Malcolm back, pulling him into a tight hug. Harry laughed into Malcolm’s shoulder, not sure why everything was so fucking funny right now. Then Malcolm glanced at something far away before leaning in to press a hard kiss to his cheek, less than a centimeter away from his mouth. Harry frowned, taken aback by the unusual gesture, but Malcolm just grinned at him, sounding clearer than ever. “Bye love. Next time you should just stay over at mine, it’s so much easier than driving all the way to your flat.” 

“Hmm, maybe,” said Harry. “Bye Mal.” When he looked over to the right, he saw a sleep-rumpled Louis leaning against the wall, looking small in one of Harry’s jumpers and blue flannel pants. He was wearing a small frown, skin pale in the dim hall light. “Shit, sorry Lou,” he said, realizing he just woke his boyfriend up. “I’m sorry, baby.”

Louis just blinked at him, blue eyes luminous and vulnerable in the dark room. “It’s okay,” he whispered after a long pause. Vaguely, Harry heard the sound of the door shutting, meaning Malcolm had left, and now it was just the two of them. 

Harry, even in his intoxicated state, recognized the tension between them. It had been days, no, _ weeks, _since they had properly spent any time together and it was rough. At times like this, when Louis was gazing at him with so much sadness and raw want, he felt immense amounts of guilt. Because most of the blame for them not seeing each other as much was on him. He didn't have to go out and party so much, he knew that. But whenever Malcolm or Nick or someone else suggested it, he had a hard time saying no. Because it was so fucking fun was the thing. Harry had never felt so alive. They were taking on the world it felt like, and coming home to a flat and a boyfriend you were growing distant with was the opposite. “Are you drunk?” asked Louis. Harry flinched even though his tone wasn’t accusatory. He nodded carefully. 

Louis nodded back, looking even more tired now than before. He walked up to Harry and slid an arm around his waist, gently guiding him to the bedroom. “Sorry for waking you,” whispered Harry. Whispering because he didn’t want to ruin this quiet moment between the two of them, the familiar feeling of Louis’ touch, _ Louis. _“I know you have work tomorrow. Teaching kids- not kids, teens.” He frowned. 

“Hmm,” said Louis softly, and then he was helping Harry undress. It took Harry a while to peel himself out of his tight jeans. 

“Oops,” he said. “Oopsie Daisy.”

Louis’ mouth quirked up at the side. An almost smile. It occured to Harry then that he didn’t remember the last time he had made Louis smile. _ Bad, H. That’s bad. Fix that! _He promised himself he would. And that he'd say no the next time Malcolm or one of the others invited him out to some party to get in with the "right" crowd, no matter how much they tried to convince him it'd be helping build his name up. 

Louis pulled him to the bed, and then tucked them both back into the blankets. Harry sighed contentedly, eyes fluttering shut. The bed was warm from Louis’ body, and entirely enveloped by his lovely smell. “You’re my favorite smell,” he informed Louis who froze. 

“Ditto babe,” he said back, fondly. 

Harry frowned, “Why are you so far?” Louis had left a foot of space between the two of them.

Louis looked embarrassed, “I didn’t know if you wanted to cuddle right now.”

Harry gaped at him, “Lou, I always wanna cuddle.”

Louis smiled for real this time, before scooting over and tucking himself at Harry’s side, right where he belonged. Harry wrapped his arms around the smaller boy, and tugged him closer, burying his face into Louis’ soft hair. “Night baby.”

“Good night Haz.”

(He didn't say no the next time). 

-

**December 19th 2014**

“Right so Harry,” said James, clapping his hands together. “We called you in today because we wanted to talk about your image.” They were currently in James’ office after he had called Harry a few hours before for a last minute meeting.

Harry smiled confusedly, taking his seat in front of his agent’s desk and folding his hands in his lap, “My image?”

“Yeah, your last gig two weeks ago…” James’ voice trailed off. “You smashed it as always but that’s not what I wanted to talk about. There was this group of girls getting really excited and enthusiastic in the crowd, great stuff, great stuff. But then that boy, your boy- Louis is it?”

Harry nodded slowly, really confused. 

“Yeah, you gave him a kiss afterwards. Like thirty seconds after your set finished, you jumped down and went over and kissed him and the audience could see it.”

Harry nodded, “Um, yeah?” He had done that, in fact he had been worried Louis wouldn’t be happy about it since things between them were a little rocky. They don’t see each other as much during the day and Harry knew a lot of it was his fault. They hadn’t had an argument as big as the one in late November (where Harry said some shitty things and Louis said some shitty things and though they both apologized, it was never really properly resolved) but that didn’t mean things had gotten better. 

Except now Harry was finally signing onto a label which meant that he should be much less busier and more free to spend time with his boyfriend. 

James sighed, placing his hands on the table top in front of him and meeting Harry’s eyes. “You know how happy this label is about how well you’ve been doing gigs, right Harry?”

He nodded, not sure where this was going. 

“Well when the representative that attended the gig saw that, he wasn’t happy,” said James. “Wanna know why he wasn’t happy?”

“Why?” he asked, because it was the expected response. He had a feeling though, a little inkling of where this was going, and he didn’t like it. 

“Those girls I just mentioned- they saw you kiss Louis, saw that you were _ taken _and then they all got so disappointed.” 

Harry blinked, “What?”

“They saw an attractive, talented singer and immediately wanted him,” said James, shrugging. “When they found out he wasn’t single, they lost interest.” He said it so nonchalantly as if it were something easily accepted and right. 

“What does that mean?” he asked, getting pissed. “Is this your segway into trying to closet me?” 

James’ eyes widened, “No, no, no! We’re not homophobic mate, we just have your best interests at heart. Not closeting… More like pretending.”

“Pretending what? That I’m single?” asked Harry. When James didn’t respond, his mouth dropped open. “You do want me to pretend.”

“It wouldn’t hurt,” said James. “That’s what the label wants anyway.”

At Harry’s expression, he continued, “Don’t look so horrified. It’s not that big of a deal. It just means no kissing or PDA with your boyfriend at gigs. This is a very common thing, especially for up and coming singers. When you gain a loyal fanbase, then you can think about sharing your relationship with the public.”

Harry huffed, “And what, you’re going to try to make me look like a ‘womaniser’, is that it?”

“Not explicitly,” said James. “If people assume that, it wouldn’t be bad. Bad press is good press, but we’re not going to give you beards or anything. Think of it as just protecting the privacy of your relationship. Do you really want these people to be nosy about Louis and your business?”

“Well… no,” admitted Harry. That had always been one of his promises to Louis- that they’d try to keep as much privacy as possible. And... when he thought about it, refraining from kissing Louis for the period of a gig wasn’t too long. But still. He didn’t like this. “I don’t know about this,” said Harry. “I have to talk to Louis about it.”

“Harry, please know that you can trust me,” said James, sincerely. “And trust me when I tell you that this is going to benefit your career. This label really wants you- this is the only thing holding them back from representing you.”

Harry grimaced, “Yeah, but can I think about it?”

James frowned apologetically, “They want an answer by tonight.”

Harry’s eyes widened, “Tonight? Wow, that’s... Okay, um.”

“There is evidence that single artists, or quote on quote single artists get more attention than non-single artists,” pointed out James. “And this would only be temporary.”

“How temporary?”

“A few months, six at most.”

Harry winced. “I still don’t know if this is the best,” he said. “I want people to like me for my music, y’know? Not because they’re attracted to me. That kind of makes me uncomfortable.”

James chuckled, “Harry, son, that’s going to happen whether you’re single or not, being lusted over is just a part of fame. And I mean, it’s not all bad is it?”

Harry didn’t answer, “Would I have to sign a contract?”

James nodded, “It’s all included into the label contract which I have here. Really it’s just keeping some space between the two of you during gigs, maybe flirting a little onstage, showing off that single bachelor facade. You shouldn’t have any trouble with that, you’re naturally flirty and charming. It’s what draws people in to your shows.” He opened a drawer and pulled out a stack of papers. “This is the agreement. Lawyers have already been over it and you can go over it too, but you have to decide now because they aren’t going to wait much longer.”

_ Now? _“I…”

“Harry, trust me,” said James. “You’re doing so well and this label is going to bring you to the next level. An _ album _. You’re going to record your own album, it could be out by the end of next year.”

Harry was at a loss. He still hadn’t done enough research on this label but they had made their official offer a few days ago. Harry had been ecstatic- everything was falling into place! He had gone out to celebrate with Malcolm and a few other guys: Nick, Xander, Camille, and a few others. They had gotten completely plastered. “Have there been any other offers pending?”

James smiled sadly at him, “No Harry, but this offer is already so impressive. They’re promising a lot, and they have a good record for other artists too. Very successful and they’re eager to start as soon as possible, album out by the end of 2015 remember?”

Harry looked at his lap, nodding. “I.. Okay.”

“Okay?”

He bit his lip, mulling it over. He weighed the pros and cons: pros would be signing onto a label finally which meant more time with Louis and more time in general and also meant finally getting his dreams. Cons… Despite it not being closeting, it was still unhonest.

But was it really? 

He wasn’t blatantly lying, right? As long as he never explicitly said anything, then it wouldn’t be untruthful. And he could go a couple hours at a time without touching Louis- they did that every day now after all. “Okay,” he agreed, trying to keep the uncertainty out of his voice. 

James grinned at him, a sharp and gleeful curving of his lips, before sliding the stack of papers to Harry along with a pen. Harry picked it up, staring at it silently. “You’re making the right decision. I’m looking at the next rockstar of this generation.”

Harry forced a smile, trying to channel the confidence that he normally felt while making decisions regarding his career. He took a deep breath, uncapped the pen, and signed the first paper. 

He didn’t think about calling Louis to ask for his opinion. It wasn't like Louis would really care anyway- he never really wanted to come to parties or get too involved with all the behind the scenes stuff. 

Harry justified it in his head, ignoring the guilt already pooling in his gut along with the growing sensation that he was messing up somehow. 

-

**February 1st 2015**

“Harry, get up,” said a voice which Harry promptly ignored in favor of muffling the outside world under his sheets in his bed. His bed was lovely- soft, comfortable, and still with traces of Louis’ smell. Louis… 

“H, wake up,” said the voice again, and the next thing he knew, he was being jostled as Gemma shoved him, flinging back the sheets. 

“What the fuck?” he asked, voice coming out scratchy from sleep and disuse. His eyes fluttered open, and he blinked back the crust- from sleeping and also from dried tears. Gemma was staring at him with her mouth in a thin line, a mix of pity, sadness, and determination in her expression. She was dressed in sleek trousers and a nice blouse under a fancy black trench coat. Her pursed lips were red. She looked put together. The exact opposite of what Harry was. 

“Harry do you know what day it is?” she asked solemnly. 

Harry opened his mouth, before shutting it as he realized that no, he did not know what day it was. It was a little shocking but also not surprising, in fact it was kind of fucking hilarious. So much that he nearly laughed out loud. Gemma did not look amused. 

“It’s February 1st H, it’s your birthday,” she said seriously. Harry stilled, tensing under the sheets. “You’re 21, for fuck’s sake, get up.”

No way… But when he pulled himself up and grabbed his phone from the bedside table, it was only confirmed. Today was February 1st. Today was his birthday. 

Today was exactly one month since Louis had left him. 

Gemma was still staring at him with that look when he swung his legs to sit on the edge of the bed. He took a long breath, “I’m pathetic, aren’t I?” His voice came out raspy and flat. He was sitting there just in his boxers in bed with messy hair and a messy brain, moments after laying in his self-pity, sadness, and anger. 

His sister smiled sadly at him, “You’re healing baby brother, it’s not pathetic at all…” She hesitated, “Well, moping on your birthday and sleeping through the entire day is a little pathetic but good thing I’m here and am dragging you out.”

Harry groaned, “Noooo.”

“Loser,” said Gemma, before grabbing his arm and trying to pull him out of bed. “Now get up, put on some clothes, and make me breakfast because I’m fucking starving.”

“You can cook asshole,” said Harry, before flopping back into the bed just to make her job more difficult. Gemma squawked at him, and smacked his leg. 

“C’mon Harry,” she said, before climbing onto the bed. Harry didn’t respond. “You don’t want to stay here all day, don’t you?”

Harry didn’t answer.

“I noticed there’s a piano in the living room,” said Gemma lightly, almost nervously as if she was scared to see how he’d react. 

Harry froze, eyes rolling up to squint at the ceiling before whispering, “He’s not here Gems.”

Her expression softened, “I know H.”

A single tear made its way down his cheek but he was too frozen to wipe it away. “He left me. He gave up on us.”

“I know darling, I know,” said Gemma, before carefully sliding down to lay beside him. She turned and gently wrapped her arms around his torso, squeezing him. Harry crumpled, curling into her embrace as the tears started falling. “Shhh, it’s alright, everything’s going to be alright.”

“He left me alone,” said Harry brokenly. “This bed is too big for me. This flat is too big for me. I hate this, fuck.”

Gemma rubbed his back, as he trembled against her. 

“Why,” he whispered after a moment. “Why doesn’t he love me anymore?”

Gemma didn’t answer, probably because there was no answer she could give that could explain. 

-

**June 2015**

Harry slammed his drink onto the table and sat down with a huff. _ Fuck them. _

“Whoa H,” said Nick, leaning back. “Y’alright?”

Harry didn’t respond, instead he picked up his drink again and took a large swig of it, slamming back down onto the tabletop, jolting Nick, Malcolm, Camille, and some random girl who was definitely a model and definitely checking him out. T

“Jesus Christ,” said Malcolm. “What happened Harry?” They were all staring at him with barely concealed caution and surprise. Harry couldn’t blame them. 

He was fuming. 

“Fuck James,” he said scathingly. “Fuck them all.”

“Yeesh,” said Nick, a little insensitively. Harry glared at him.

“H, babe, seriously what happened?” asked Malcolm, placing a concerned hand on his shoulder. They were at some crowded bar and normally the dim and loud atmosphere would calm him, but today it was grating on him- sharp bits and pieces of conversation floating into his mind and rubbing up against his pent up frustration and indignance. 

He exhaled deeply, taking as second to shut his eyes and calm down. “It’s just… I tweeted something about Pride month and James fucking _ deleted _it without telling me.” His fists clenched involuntarily as he remembered the confusion and then realization he had undergone when checking Twitter, expecting to see some people replying only to be met with some people tweeting him and asking him why he had deleted his tweet. 

He had been pissed and had only gotten more pissed when he got on the phone to talk to James about it, “He said that I shouldn’t be getting involved with ‘political’ controversies. What the fuck?”

They were all still staring at him so he continued, “Since when is basic human rights and kindness political? Since when is being proud of loving who you love political? That’s the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard, not to mention homophobic, but of course James didn’t listen to me and he threatened to reduce my promo if I ever do something like that again.” Harry scoffed. “And to think I had once thought he was so progressive because he wasn’t trying to closet me, bullshit. He’s complete bullshit.” He ended his tirade with his chest heaving slightly, eyes aimlessly flying to the four people sitting looking stunned.

“Damn,” said Camille after the awkward lingering pause that followed his unintentional rant. Harry splayed his hands out in agreement. 

“Right?”

“No H, I think Camille is talking about your outburst,” said Nick, smirking. He picked up his glass, taking a sip before gesturing vaguely to his left ear, “You might want a take two, don’t think you deafened me in this ear quite yet.” 

Everything- all the buzz and annoyance and jitteriness skidded to a halt. Harry gawked at him, completely taken aback. 

“So did you guys hear about Calvin Harris and Taylor Swift?” said the model. Harry turned his incredulous face onto her. What the fuck? 

“Right? That bitch really has a new boyfriend every month,” said Camille, rolling her eyes. 

“Hey wasn’t James trying to set you guys up for a PR stunt or something?” asked Nick, nudging him roughly in the shoulder. He chuckled, “Maybe she’d write a song about you.”

Harry blinked. Seriously, what the fuck? His friends. His _ friends _were sitting there talking about Calvin fucking Harris and Taylor Swift as if he didn’t just share something he was upset about thirty seconds ago. “What is wrong with you guys?”

He was met by confusion. 

“Excuse me?” said Camille, raising a plucked eyebrow at him and smirking. 

Harry shook his head, “I can’t believe you guys.” He had always known that Nick and Camille were very surface-level with their amount of sympathy or attention for your problems, but he had to admit he had always expected _ more _from them, especially since they had always told him that Harry was one of their favorites and were always waxing poetry about how much they loved him and how amazing he was, quick to hype him up and tag along with him to go partying and just hang out. They spent a lot of time together, a really large amount. So yeah, Harry had been expecting more. “I can’t believe this.”

“Hey guys, I think we all need to calm down,” said Malcolm uneasily. He once again put his hand on Harry’s shoulder and Harry knew he probably didn’t meant for it to, but it still felt so contemptuous, so _ patronizing. _So much that he shrugged it off, ignoring the look of hurt that flashed on Malcolm’ face. 

“Harry needs to calm down,” said Camille after a moment. 

Harry scowled at her, not thinking when he said, “You know, no one cares about your stupid gossip. Telling people scandalous shit and trash talking others doesn’t make you more interesting, trust me.” 

Camille’s jaw dropped, “Excuse me!”

Harry stood up, “I’m leaving.”

“God, what happened to you,” said Nick, disgust evident in his voice. “Is that James thing really messing with you that much.”

Anger flickered inside him as he glared at the quiffed man. “What happened to me? I realize now that this,” he paused to gesture to all of them, “Is not who I want to be. I can’t believe I almost stooped this low.” He shook his head, “Thanks for the fun, but I don’t think we’ll be getting along anymore.”

He turned and walked away, the whispers from the model, “Who does he think he is?” following him as he stepped outside of the bar. 

Malcolm met him outside a few minutes later, apologizing for not sticking up for him and swearing to end his own friendships with the others after what they all said about Harry. Harry forgave him of course, letting Malcolm drive him back to his place for ice cream and wine. 

Later on, when Harry would see Malcolm hanging out with Nick and Camille via his story, he’d never say a word. 

**August 2015**

Harry smiled gratefully at the bartender who slid him another drink. He slumped against the counter, mulling over how exactly he got here. Well- he knew actually. James was annoying him again, and so was his label. They were trying to get him to go out and be “seen” with some random lady, like a model or Taylor Swift. So much for not giving him 'beards'. 

“You look like you’re having a blast,” drawled an unfamiliar voice.

Harry glanced up at the stranger, eyebrows raising as he took in a smirking woman, all glinting hazel eyes and tan long legs, shown off in a short white dress. Attractive. “Having the time of my life,” he deadpanned, raising his glass to take a sip but not letting his gaze falter. 

Her smirk grew and she immediately took a seat right next to him, shoulder bumping into him causing a spark where there skin touched. “Sara.”

“H or no h?” he inquired, letting a slow grin overtake his face. He noted the way her gaze abruptly snagged on his dimple, never had it once failed him. 

“No h,” said Sara, biting her cherry red lips. 

“Harry,” he offered. 

“Like Potter?”

“I am the chosen one,” he retorted, not missing a beat. “Y’know, you picked me already.”

Sara raised an eyebrow at him, “Cheeky.”

“I try,” he said. He felt loose and warm, flirting slipping back into his skillset like it had never once left. There was an electric current running between the two of them, an electric current he hadn’t felt in a while. The wisps of potential. The beginnings of _ something. _And he was finally going to take advantage of it. 

“So are you planning on sitting here the whole night?” she asked, leaning onto her palm, gaze magnetic. Not that Harry would be looking away. 

“Depends on if I get a good enough offer,” he said. “Are you offering?”

Sara grinned at him, a quick mischievous grin that solidified any resolve he had to make this go somewhere. “Oh I’m offering. I promise I’ll show you a good time, _ baby_.” 

The last part was said mockingly and Harry chuckled. “Alright I’ll hold you to it.” He let Sara take his hand and then pull him to his feet. He moved one foot after the other, following her into the masses, threading through grinding couples and swaying drunks. 

He let her slide her arms around his neck and obligingly gripped her hips in return. He let her lean in close and nibble on his neck, closing his eyes and relishing in the feeling. The pleasure that rolled through him in waves. It had been too long since he had been this close to another person. 

_ This is the right thing to do. _He repeated the thought in his head over and over again, like a mantra. Like a promise. 

-

“I’m sorry,” he blurted, sitting back to rest on his calves. He rubbed his eyes in distress and embarrassment. 

Sara sat up and rested back on her elbows, giving him a concerned look. “Y’alright love?” She sounded so genuine, and not at all mad like she should be since Harry just unbuttoned her shirt before pulling back, ripping himself out of the false sense of okayness he had been feeling for the past forty minutes. 

Things had escalated pretty quickly after they had started dancing at the club. Dancing turned into kissing which turned into grinding which turned into desperately calling a cab and stumbling into Sara’s flat at 1 in the morning, tangled up in each other’s embrace. Harry had been enjoying it, he couldn’t lie, but he had also been ignoring the needling in his brain, _ wait, you shouldn’t be rushing into this. _

The _ this is not the right person, this is not person you want it to be. _

And he had thought he could do it. Go home with someone. Sleep with someone. But he couldn’t. Because no matter how beautiful Sara was, she wasn’t _ him. _ “I’m sorry,” he said. “Listen, Sara, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, hey,” said Sara gently, hands reaching out to rub up his arms soothingly. She gave him another look filled with concern and sympathy. Her tits were literally still on display but Harry was sitting there with tears nearly dripping from his eyes. Fucking perfect. “It’s okay babe, d’ya wanna talk about it?”

He huffed, “I don’t want to be that person. The weirdo who unloads all their emotional baggage on a one night stand…” He winced, “And we didn’t even get to one night stand yet.” 

Sara laughed, she _ laughed. _Then she slipped her shirt back on, buttoning it back up, thank god. “Hey, I’m offering, I mean it. I’ll listen.”

Harry offered a pained smile, “It’s nothing really… I guess… I’m just not completely over my ex, that’s all.” He said it softly, self-deprecatingly, but not pathetically enough for her to feel obligated to extend her pity as well as her kindness. 

She gave him a pitying look anyway, so clearly his efforts were in vain. “I’m sorry to hear that, how long has it been?”

“About 8 months,” he revealed, internally fracturing as the truth settled into the air between them. 8 fucking months. Jesus Christ. 

“And she was something special to you I take it,” said Sara sympathetically. 

“He,” Harry corrected, glancing at Sara briefly to see her reaction. She didn’t seem like the type- the type to be weirded out by him liking both genders, but you never knew. When Sara didn’t show any signs of disgust or otherwise discomfort, he continued. “He was definitely something special… I wanted to spend my entire life with him, but… I guess he didn’t feel the same because he left me.” He chuckled, self-deprecating again. 

Sara winced, squeezing his arm gently. “That sucks mate.”

“No kidding,” he said dryly. 

She gave him a sad smile, “Well listen, I just want you to know- I’m sure you’ve heard this dozens of times before, but it’s still important. It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to still be getting over your ex, even 8 months later. You don’t ever have to rush yourself or feel like you’re never going to move on. You will.”

Harry ducked his head, eyes focusing on the comforter shyly. 

“And hey,” said Sara, tapping his shoulder again. Harry reluctantly raised his gaze to meet her reassuring eyes head on. “The reason it hurts so much is because it was real.” His heart panged, whole body shivering at the weight of those words. “I know it’s hard right now but one day you’ll look back and be glad that you went through this, that you loved so fiercely and felt so deeply. Even if it ended, the fact that it was there at all is worth remembering.”

Harry cracked a tentative smile, “So in other words, cherish the memories, don’t dwell on the heartbreak?”

“You got it,” said Sara, smiling at him. “You wanna watch a movie or something?”

Harry took a deep breath, letting the tightness in his chest slowly unwind little by little. _ You gave all your love and devotion to someone for two years, that is not something to be ashamed of. And it is not something that can be erased so easily. _

He nodded, “That sounds nice.”

-

**January 2nd 2016**

The door slammed behind him as he entered him and Niall’s flat, making a beeline for their new couch and collapsing onto it, burying his head into the shoulder rest and wincing at the tough fabric. It was a new couch. 

A new couch in their new flat, purchased only a month ago. Despite their best efforts, it was still mostly empty and sterile rather than comfy and lived-in, but they had big plans. Him, Niall, and Josh, Niall’s friend who was living with them until the end of summer when he would be moving out. Josh had made it abundantly clear that he would be graduating in May, staying for the summer to wrap up everything, before moving back to his hometown of Manchester where he’d be moving in with his girlfriend. They were okay with it, even though both Niall and Harry knew they’d have to find a new flatmate after Josh left because while they all loved the flat, it was definitely a three-person rent. 

It had three bedrooms, a medium sized kitchen, and even a small balcony that overlooked their tree-lined London street. 

Harry adored it. 

But right now, he couldn’t enjoy it. He was trembling, could feel himself shaking as the tears started running down his face. 

A door creaked somewhere in the flat and a moment later, Niall’s anxious voice was ringing through the room. “Harry, where the fuck did you go yesterday?!” 

He sounded more worried than cross, and when Harry looked up at his best mate and Niall took in the red, puffy eyes, and sallowness of his skin, every wisp of annoyance evaporated and he was in front of Harry in seconds. “Mate, what happened?”  
Harry couldn’t respond, he fell into Niall’s arms, curling in as sobs racked his body. “H, what happened?” asked Niall, rubbing his back gently. Somehow they moved fully onto the couch, Niall sitting down and Harry leaning on him. He shuddered. 

He met Niall’s eyes and watched as the realization dawned on him, “You went home with someone didn’t you.”  
Harry flinched, the truth stabbing him in the gut. He took a deep breath. He didn’t know why he was reacting like this. It had been fine. He had fun. 

It was good. 

Everything was good when he was flirting with a fit bloke at a club, drunk off his mind and looking to forget the pain that was plaguing him because as of that day it had been _ one entire year _. They had danced and had fun, and never once did the thought cross his mind that it was strange that the guy- Jonah- had blue eyes, brown soft hair, and was smaller in stature. Not once. And so they went back to Jonah’s flat and… Harry did it. He slept with him. He fucked him in bed and it was good and then they passed out tangled in each other’s arms and when they woke up in the morning, Jonah made eggs for Harry despite him being used to cooking all the time. And they joked around and then Jonah gave Harry his number and then Harry said goodbye, kissing the man briefly on the lips, before going outside, walking down the block-

And then throwing up into a bush. 

That’s when it all came crashing down. Because Jonah- while nice and funny and technically fitting the appearance standards in terms of what he was attracted to, was not Louis. He wasn’t Louis. Even though he looked like Louis, he wasn’t him. And Harry was embarrassed to admit, but he had almost called out his name instead of Jonah’s one too many times that night. He had ended up biting his lip so hard, it bled, and this morning he noticed a scar when he used Jonah’s shower and bathroom to clean up. 

“Fuck, why is this so hard?” whispered Harry as Niall soothingly pet his back. 

“I’m sorry H,” said Niall sadly. “I’ll get easier love, I promise.” 

Harry crumpled, because he had heard variations of the same thing for the past 12 fucking months and he could barely believe in it anymore, because it wasn’t getting easier. It had been a whole year and he was still just as screwed up as he had been last January. 

“It felt so wrong,” he confessed. Jonah was good in bed, Harry could tell. But he could have been the best lay in the entire world and it still wouldn’t have been the best to Harry. Because Harry already had a best. A best that he couldn’t help but compare with everything. Throughout the whole thing, all he could do was think _ This is not right. If it were Lou, he’d be holding me differently. He doesn’t sound like Louis does. _

_ Fuck you _ he thought, internally screaming at his ex. _ Fuck you for ruining sex for me. Fuck you for ruining love for me. _

Niall pulled back gently to survey Harry with a frown. “I’m going to order food, you put on the telly and pick a movie. Call your mum too. I’m not leaving you alone until I see you smile again. I shouldn’t have left you alone yesterday, I should’ve known you were struggling.”

Harry winced, “You were hanging out with Barbs, y’know, your girlfriend? It’s not your fault Ni, but I appreciate you nonetheless.”

Niall smiled at him, “I promise it’ll get easier H, you just need to let yourself naturally heal.”

Harry resisted a scowl, because _ naturally healing _? He had been doing that for an entire year and it hadn’t done shit for him. 

Niall left him to make good on his promise of take-out and Harry grabbed the remote to browse for a film to watch, all the while obsessing over the fear that had been growing inside him ever since that morning. 

What if he never gets over Louis?

-

**July 2016 **

Harry stepped out of the gym, running a hand through his damp hair and putting it up in a quick messy bun. Fleetwood Mac was playing through his headphones as he stopped to sit on the nearby bench, pulling out his phone to text Niall and check in about what they were doing for dinner. 

He noticed a missed call from Donna and smiled. 

He had officially signed off from his last label in March. His year-long contract (thank God it was only a single year) had expired and when James brought up the new one for him to sign, Harry happily informed him that he was leaving the label and oh, James was fired too. 

The look of shock on his face still made Harry chuckle to this day. 

Harry met Donna the next month and hired her as his agent two weeks later, having already trusted her more than he ever trusted James. 

And two months ago, he had officially signed onto his new label: Home Records, a smaller establishment compared to his previous one, but a company that he identified with so much in terms of values, morals, and visions for himself and future projects. 

Harry was happy, so happy. 

He was still smiling when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked up and raised an eyebrow at a friendly looking stranger. He was pretty tall and buff- giving off major gym rat vibes however his warm brown eyes and kind face instantly got Harry to like him. He took out an earbud just in time for the guy to say, “Hey mate, you left this inside.”

He held out Harry’s water bottle which Harry just realized wasn’t in his hand. He blinked, “Oh.” 

The guy smiled as Harry gently took the water bottle from him. 

“Thanks man,” said Harry, offering a smile himself. 

“No problem,” assured the guy. “I’m Liam.”

“Harry, nice to meet you,” he said honestly, moving to clutch the water bottle and his phone in one hand so he could shake Liam’s. “I haven’t seen you around, new to this gym?”

Liam nodded, “New to this gym and to this city. I moved here a few days ago actually.”

Harry’s eyebrows raised, “Oh neat, and how’re you liking London?”

“Pretty well,” said Liam honestly. “Still getting on my feet though of course.”

“Of course,” said Harry. “Well I’m pretty much a regular at this place so feel free to ask me if you have any questions or want any recommendations for good coffee shops and the like.”

Liam’s smile grew, “Thanks man, that means a lot.”

“No problem,” said Harry honestly. This Liam guy seemed nice and Harry had a feeling they’d get along well. 

Liam gestured behind him, “Right, well I have to go now, my girlfriend’s waiting for me in the car, but it was nice to meet you Harry.”

“Say hi to the lady for me,” said Harry charmingly. “See you soon.”

Liam flashed him one last smile before walking off. 

Harry’s phone buzzed with a text from Niall:

**Oi, u said u were only going for an hour. IT’S BEEN 3 HOURS MOTHERFUCKER!**

He laughed out loud. 

** _My bad Ni, didn’t even notice :/_ **

** _I’m picking up pizza to make up for it ;)_ **

**Of course you didn’t notice, sometimes i feel like ur a different species mate- who actually enjoys exercising pfft**

**Get me pepperoni fucker t(-_-t)**

-

**November 2016**

“What the fuck!” squawked Niall as Harry dropped a box of Liam’s clothes onto his lap, startling him out of his ill-timed nap, lying against Harry’s car. 

Harry smirked at the glare Niall directed at him, “You fell asleep, can’t have that can we?”

“Bastard,” muttered Niall, but he still stood up and carried the box into the building. Harry rolled his eyes, turning back to grab another box out of his trunk. Both his and Liam’s cars were filled to the brim with boxes of Liam’s stuff, and Niall’s car probably would have been too had he not crashed into a pickup truck a month before. 

He decided he wouldn’t be replacing it since Barbara had her own car and so did Liam and Harry (“I’m making you two my chauffeurs,” he had announced a week ago. “You’ll address me by ‘Mr. Horan’ and I’ll pay you in Nando’s.” “That only works for you,” Liam had said exasperatedly. “Not all of us can be bought with mediocre fast food.” “MEDIOCRE?!”)

With another box of clothes, Harry followed Niall’s path into the building, dropping his load into Liam’s waiting arms near the elevator. “Thanks mate,” said Liam tiredly. They were all tired after many hours of lifting and carrying boxes into the flat. Well, Liam and Harry were tired at least, Niall had been, in typical fashion, doing his best to get out of most of the hard work. 

Thankfully, they were almost done. Pizza was on the way and Niall had picked up beer last night for their celebratory dinner slash Welcome Liam! party. 

Twenty minutes later, Harry grabbed the final thing: a small nightstand which wasn’t too heavy luckily for his strained muscles. The three of them made their way up to their flat and Niall flopped onto the couch upon entrance. Harry rolled his eyes before quickly dropping off the wooden stand in Liam’s new room. 

When he returned, Niall was as usual being a menace. “I mean this in the least offensive way possible Lima but,” he started and Harry was already groaning. “I’m kinda glad Sophia dumped you.”

“Niall!” he chided, eyes wide as saucers. But Liam just guffawed. 

Niall shot him a triumphant look, “Don’t act like you aren’t either Harold, we were struggling without a third flatmate and this worked out perfectly.”

Harry sighed, running a hand through his hair and wincing slightly when his fingers grasped air much sooner than anticipated- he was still adjusting to his new length and it had shocked him every single time. “Yeah I guess so,” he relented. “But you don’t have to be so brazen about it.”

“Brazen is my middle name,” declared Niall. 

“It’s better than both of us having the same middle name,” Liam pointed out. “I’ll be the only James then.”

Harry soured, ‘James’ sort of had a negative connotation with him now even though he loved Niall and Liam a lot. 

“Heyy, no way mister,” said Niall, crossing his arms. “If one of us is giving up our James, it’s going to be you. Niall James Horan sounds superior, in fact ‘Liam James’ doesn’t exactly have a ring to it, don’t you think? I think your name would go much better with something else, like I dunno… Bob.”

“Bob,” repeated Liam. 

“Liam Robert Payne,” said Harry, stifling a laugh. Niall chuckled. Liam looked unimpressed. “We’ll call you Bob for short,” he added, smirking. Niall cackled.

“Okay _ Harold_,” said Liam, crossing his arms and pouting slightly. 

Harry smirked even harder, “Everyone calls me that.”

Liam rolled his eyes, “Whatever.”

“Oi, don’t piss off our new flatmate,” scolded Niall, emphasising his point by smacking Harry’s shoulder. 

“Ow!” exclaimed Harry, taken aback. “You were literally the one who started it but alright, _ mate _.” 

“Stop using my term of endearment so sarcastically,” said Niall, smacking him again. 

“Ow!” repeated Harry. “I don’t deserve this treatment.”

“Yes you do,” said Niall. 

“Maybe I should move out,” said Harry haughtily. 

“Go for it, I have Leeyum now,” said Niall, getting up and walking to Liam with his arms open wide. Liam’s eyes widened with what looked like fear. Niall wrapped him into a Horan-style hug which meant squeezing the life out of the person you were hugging. 

Harry laughed at the expression on Liam’s face right as his phone rang. He glanced at the caller id: Mal. 

He left Liam and Niall to hug it out and stepped into the hallway, dodging a carelessly dropped pair of shorts (Niall’s fault most likely) and answering, “Hey Mal.”

“Hey love,” said Malcolm, voice crackling in his ear. “Is your friend all moved in?”

“Yeah,” said Harry. “Just finished a few minutes ago.”

“Cheers,” said Malcolm. 

“Thanks.”

“I was just calling to verify our lunch date tomorrow.”

“Lunch, just lunch,” corrected Harry, flinching a tad. 

“Right, same thing.” _ Not really. _“So?”

“Yeah, at 12:30 right? Florence’s?” said Harry, sighing. 

“See you there H,” said Malcolm before hanging up. Harry sighed again, louder this time. He felt all of a sudden even more exhausted. Ever since Malcolm admitted to him that he sort of had feelings for him, things had been strange between them. For one, Harry couldn’t help but micro analyze every single thing Malcolm did in relation to him- trying to see if the hints had been there all along or it really had just come out of nowhere like he thought. 

Or maybe he was just really oblivious. 

And he felt bad, he did. He never saw Malcolm as nothing more than a friend, one of his best friends. He was always there for Harry to rant to or complain to. He was always checking in on him, making sure he was doing alright- a habit that he had started after everything in early 2015. And he always hyped Harry up which he really appreciated. Niall had always been the “not going to bullshit you” friend but it was nice to have a “everything you do rocks” friend too. A good balance. 

But apparently Malcolm wanted more with him. More that he couldn’t give. He felt so bad, because the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt someone. Even though Malcolm assured him everything between them was fine and they could still be friends, things between them were already different. 

Harry was now a lot more careful around him, hesitant. And it seemed Malcolm was the opposite. He had started saying what was on his mind a lot more and it had led to a bit of fighting between the two of them. 

Nothing they couldn’t work out of course, but it was still rough. 

Harry hated fighting with people. 

He hoped desperately that things would improve between them. 

A doorbell interrupted his thoughts, followed by Niall hollering, “PIZZA LADS!!”

Harry chuckled and returned to the living room to have a good night with his flat mates. 

-

**September 28th 2017**

Every single memory of Harry and Malcolm was rushing through his brain as he dialed the man’s number and waited. Harry and Malcolm eating lunch together, a long standing tradition. Harry and Malcolm attending parties together, chatting with people in the industry and helping each other make the best impression on the higher ups as possible. Harry and Malcolm going shopping together, hyping each other up as they tried on outrageous outfits and modelled them for the other. Harry and Malcolm going clubbing. Malcolm calling him to make sure he was doing okay. Malcolm accompanying him to the studio and entertaining him when he couldn’t fight his writer’s block. Malcolm going to the movies with him. Laughing with him. Hugging him. Being his friend. 

Malcolm comforting Harry after Louis broke up with him.

Malcolm constantly dragging Louis instead of focusing on comforting Harry. Malcolm frequently telling Harry that he deserved so much better. Malcolm not always completely hiding his bitterness when talking about Louis, even when they were still dating. 

Thinking about it now, it was almost ridiculous how Harry had never noticed. Comments like, “I always knew Louis was a selfish brat,” or “That loser never deserved someone of your level,” should have tipped him off, they should have. 

Niall, his best friend in the entire world and someone whose opinions he trusted more than anyone else’s, had always had a distrust for the blonde man, right from the start. He should’ve paid more attention to his warnings. 

Louis. 

He should have paid more attention to Louis. 

He swallowed, exhaling shakily as the phone finally connected, “H? What’s up love?”

Harry closed his eyes, breathing deeply. Malcolm sounded like he always did. Warm. Kind. And like he genuinely cared about what Harry had to say. He sounded like Harry’s best friend. 

But best friends don’t do what Malcolm had supposedly done. 

He opened his eyes, taking a deep breath, “Mal.”

“Harry? Is something wrong darling?” 

Harry wanted to scream. Or cry. Because so much was wrong and he couldn’t believe that this man would do such a horrible thing. Could say such trashy things. Or he didn’t want to believe it, because technically… Malcolm had always said nasty stuff about other people- his mean gossiping tendencies being one of the flaws Harry disliked most about him, but it was never to this extent. Never to Louis. 

Not directly to Louis. 

“Malcolm, I just talked to Louis half an hour ago,” he said, slowly moving to sit down on his bed. The light was on and he felt dizzy and his head was throbbing from the alcohol. His eyes were still wet and itchy. He had brushed away Niall and Liam’s concern, sending them to bed and promising he’d talk to them the next day. After he handled this. 

“Did he say something to you?” asked Malcolm, sharply. Defensively. Angry on his behalf. Harry breathed in deeply through his nostrils. 

“Yes, he said quite a bit of things actually,” said Harry, trying to keep the edge out of his words. He wasn’t so sure he succeeded however which was only confirmed when Malcolm replied tentatively. 

“H?”

“He told me why he broke up with me,” said Harry abruptly. “Finally. After all this time, he finally gave me an answer.” 

Malcolm didn’t say anything for a moment. “What was the reason then?”

“That’s none of your business,” said Harry softly, oh so softly, but bitingly all the same. 

He could hear Malcolm’s intake of breath. “I don’t understand why you’re using that tone of voice on me.”

Harry snorted, “Right. Well, Mal, I think we need to talk.”

“Talk about what?” he replied, all faux-confusion. “Do you want to rant about the loser?” Harry tensed. The innocence dripping from Malcolm’s voice just made Harry’s skin crawl. God, how was he so blind? 

“That’s exactly what,” said Harry, not bothering to calm the anger flooding through his veins. “We’re going to talk about Louis and specifically the_ bullshit _you told him.” 

“Harry, I think you need to calm down,” said Malcolm calmly. “I have no idea what you’re talking about and I don’t like it when people accuse me of things I didn’t do.”

Harry almost laughed out loud, “Well see, there’s a total of two people who told me the same exact thing, so excuse me for being a little skeptical _ love. _” 

“Why are you acting like this? This isn’t the Harry I know,” said Malcolm and this time Harry did laugh out loud. 

“The Harry you know, is one you’ve manipulated for far too long,” he said. “But we’ll finish this conversation tomorrow. You’re free for a ‘lunch date’, right Mal?”

“Florence’s?” said Malcolm, sounding stupidly smug. 

Harry gritted his teeth, “12:30.” He waited a beat before, “Fuck you.” He hung up. 

It took a full minute for his heart rate to return to normal, but it didn’t do anything to quell the anger inside him. 

Anger and hopelessness. 

Because Harry had always thought Louis had broken his heart independently- that Louis could have never felt the level of pain Harry endured after that damned night. 

Turns out Harry had been breaking his heart for much longer than that. 

And he still had to fix it. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Harry is finally flipping out at Malcolm, what do we think?


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't fret, the Malcolm x Harry lunch thing IS in this chapter, but it's at the very end (so you have to wait).

**September 28th 2017**

“Babe?” whispered Zayn softly as the door creaked open. Louis sniffled, turning onto his side. He had considered feigning sleep but he knew Zayn wasn’t above waking him up to get him to talk about something if he wanted to. “Lou, are you okay?”

“No,” he croaked, voice breaking somewhere in the middle. He curled into an even tighter ball, waiting for Zayn to slip into bed and hold him. A moment later he felt arms envelop him and warmth leach onto his cold back. 

“What happened?” asked Zayn, already stroking his hair. “Niall said you left and Harry was crying and then Dana texted me and told me she was ‘handling’ it and that she was getting you on call to Lottie and I was so worried Lou.”

“Sorry,” whispered Louis quietly. 

“No, don’t apologize,” said Zayn. For a few minutes they just laid there silently, chests rising and falling and nothing but the sound of their own breaths breaking the peace settling in his room. “What happened with Harry?”

Louis made a noise. Scrunching deeper beneath the sheets, trying to hide away. A mix of embarrassment, regret, sadness, and desperation were currently fighting for dominance in his heart and it was making his head hurt. But he knew Zayn wasn’t going to leave him alone about this. “We just talked about… the break up.”

“Oh Lou,” said Zayn, squeezing him gently. “Did you tell him the whole story?”

“Not really,” admitted Louis. “But he definitely got the gist. I told him about Malcolm.”

“Do you wanna talk about it or just sleep?” 

“Sleep,” he said immediately. “Please.”

“Did you talk to Lottie then or is she asleep already?”

“Talked to her,” slurred Louis, blinking to fight the overwhelming urge to sleep right that second. “She told me to call her again in the morning, and Fizzy was there too- she told me she’d beat him up for me but I told her Harry didn’t deserve it. He didn’t do anything wrong.”

Zayn grunted, “But he did Lou. He did plenty of things wrong. I’m not trying to pin all the blame on him, though it’s hard because I’ve seen how much all of it hurt you, but he did play a major role in the break up. It can’t be all your fault. It’s only a little bit your fault.”

Louis nudged Zayn in the shoulder, “Okay Z.”

“I mean it,” said Zayn. He cleared his throat, “I think he’s beginning to realize it too, he uh, he looked pretty upset when I saw him.”

Louis’ heart panged because he never wanted Harry to be upset. Zayn said he cried. Did he really? As much as Louis did just an hour ago? More? He didn’t think it was possible. He had cried a _ lot. _And then begged for his mum a little too. God, how he wished she was here to guide him. To hold him and tell him everything would be alright. 

“Hey Lou,” murmured Zayn again. “Do you think… Do you think you’d ever go back to Harry?”

Louis didn’t answer, throat closing up. Zayn didn’t know how close to the truth his question had hit, and Louis didn’t want to tell him. 

He thought about how Harry had asked him out. Only a few hours ago. The earnestness in his eyes and the _ yearning. _For the first time in a long time, Louis began to think Harry had never really been as ‘over’ him as Louis initially thought. He thought about how Harry kissed him- like he had always kissed him, so full of passion and intensity, like Louis was the only person in the world, like Harry couldn’t focus on anything except making him feel good. All-encompassing and heart-racing, that’s how it was. He thought about how Harry looked almost desperate when he finally asked. Like he wanted Louis back as much as Louis wanted him back. 

But Louis said no. 

_ It was the right decision. _

He couldn’t even believe it this time. The truth was, he didn’t know if it was the right decision or not. And he didn’t know if he’d take him back or not. So he didn’t answer. And Zayn didn’t press.

They fell asleep, linked together. Best friends. Partners in crime. Brothers. 

-

**October 3rd 2017**

Things have been strange to say the least. 

And Louis hated it. 

He hated how Zayn was back to being overly-careful and cautious around him, like he would break into a million pieces if Zayn so much as breathed too hard. Louis knew he was terrified that Louis would be relapsing, but Louis wasn’t going to. He had no urge to. That’s how he knew how far he had come in the past few months. He wasn’t going to self-harm. He was going to mope and cry and yell and be sad, but nothing more. He knew he didn’t deserve it anymore. He just hoped Zayn would realize that he realized it too. 

Even Liam was being strange, which was definitely peculiar. Louis’ relationship with him had always been elbows and pushing and teasing and yelling and having a blast but now it was all one-sided because Liam was too busy being concerned to retaliate. 

Niall had come over unannounced about three times total in the past five days, and one night he had even stayed over. They watched Grease and he sang along and even participated in the dance routine after Louis’ begging (even though he always used to complain and refuse to do it back in the day). 

More pity. 

Lottie had been calling him a lot more frequently too, and so had the other girls. He didn’t know what Lottie told them. Fizzy found out about Harry of course, that had been inescapable after she was present when Dana facetimed Lottie to calm a sobbing Louis down. But he didn’t know what they told the twins. Calvin had been checking in too and obviously so had Dana (who felt so guilty about leaving him alone with Harry that night despite Louis’ protests). 

And of course, he hadn’t heard from Harry in the past five days. 

Probably for the better. 

(Yet he craved Harry’s presence more than any of the others’ combined). 

He almost felt bad that he felt relieved that Zayn hadn’t cancelled his weekend trip with Liam to go see Zayn’s family (who Liam would be meeting for the first time). They had left four hours ago and already Louis felt a weight lifted off of him. 

It was Friday and Zayn would be returning by lunch on Sunday. And pretty soon after that Lottie was planning on making a trip to London for a couple of nights just to make sure he was alright. But until then, Louis was free to wallow by himself. Something he had been eager for ever since that cursed day. 

Because of course his new happiness had fallen apart on September fucking 28th. Once the happiest day of his life and now ranked third in the list of worst. 

But he was going to do his best to forget all that today. That meant watching Peaky Blinders or Skins (maybe Gossip Girl but Louis would never admit it), eating Coco puffs, drinking tea, and taking care of himself. The cupboard was stocked with the organic chocolate Zayn always bought (in effort to be ‘healthy’... while eating chocolate, what a concept), Lottie’s flat pack filled with things like facemasks and bath bombs was positioned on the coffee table, and he was dressed in comfy sweats and one of Harry’s sweaters (they were the most comfortable, _ okay _). 

Louis was going to have a good day where no one was looming over him with concern and he didn’t have to think about Harry or Malcolm or anything at all.

Or so he thought. 

The phone call came after lunch. 

Louis was full with leftover takeout and well on his way into his favorite season of Skins- the Freddie and Cook generation (the superior season) when his phone rang. It was a an unknown number so he ignored it. 

But a few minutes later it rang again. 

He hesitated. It was probably a telemarketer, but he didn’t want to risk it on the off chance it was someone he knew trying to get into contact with him. 

He answered, “Hello?”

“Louis Tomlinson?” asked an unfamiliar voice. Louis sat up on the couch, reaching over to pause the TV. 

“Yes, that’s me,” he confirmed. 

“Mr. Tomlinson, this is St. Thomas hospital. We’re contacting you because you are listed as the number one emergency contact for Ms. Charlotte Elizabeth Tomlinson.” 

Louis froze. 

“You’re her older brother, correct?” asked the voice again. “Hello? Mr. Tomlinson?”

He was shattering. Shattering into a million pieces, drifting away. Disappearing. “Yes,” he whispered, voice wavering. And then, because he had to, he asked, “What happened?”

“I’m sorry to inform you that your sister unfortunately has gotten into an accident. She’s fractured her leg and is currently unconscious.” The pounding of his heart grew louder and louder until Louis could barely hear the crisp, cool voice of the receptionist talking to him. Lottie. Accident. Hospital. 

The lady was still speaking when Louis blurted out, “Is she going to live?” Tears were gathering in his eyes and he was trembling. Shaking so violently, he was surprised he hadn’t dropped his phone, but it was in his hand, fingers gripped so tight they were pale white against the blue of his phone case. _ Please. Please, don’t leave me. _

“Yes, she will,” said the lady and Louis choked back a sob. Lottie’s alive. She’s going to live. She’s okay. “She’s in room 315, should we expect to see you?”

“Yes,” said Louis, eyes wide. St. Thomas hospital… He went rigid. That was in _ London _. Why was Lottie in London? “I’ll be there as soon as possible, thank you, thank you so much.”

“Of course, Mr. Tomlinson,” she said warmly. “I promise she’s in the best hands.” 

“Thank you,” he repeated and then she hung up and Louis dropped his phone, burying his head in his hands as he weeped. 

Fuck. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

Lottie got into an accident! She was injured and in the hospital and Louis had to go see her right away. He was moving before he even finished the thought, picking up his phone and grabbing a jacket. Then he stopped. 

Zayn was gone. 

He hadn’t taken the car, but… But Louis couldn’t drive. Despite all his progress, he still couldn’t do it. He knew he’d panic if he did- he’d never make it. He couldn’t do it. 

He was crying again before he knew it. Fuck, he was a horrible brother. He couldn’t even drive to the hospital to go see his injured sister. 

He had to call someone. But who? 

Dana didn’t answer when he tried calling, but then Louis remembered she was at a district teachers’ meeting for the day and therefore, unavailable. Niall was in Manchester with Barbara, visiting a friend. He wouldn’t get there quick enough anyway. 

That left… Harry. 

He was dialing before he could overthink it. This was a mistake, he was pretty sure, but he was still shaking and scared and the thought of Harry being there instantly calmed him down. Harry would know what to do. Harry was a good driver and he made Louis feel safe. 

“Hello?” asked Harry, picking up immediately on the first ring. 

“I need you,” blurted Louis, voice coming out crackly. “Please, Harry, Lottie's in the hospital and I don't know what to do.”

-

Harry had never gotten ready this quickly in his life. Louis called him five minutes ago and he had been in his pajamas, watching TV in bed. But now he was dressed in jeans and a random shirt, hair barely brushed and hands fumbling over his keys as he got into his car and jammed the key in the ignition, breathing hard. 

The panic in Louis’ voice was haunting him, so were his words. _ I need you. _

_ Lottie’s in the hospital and I don’t know what to do. _

_ Haz, please. _

“I’ll be there in ten minutes,” he had promised. “It’s going to be okay, Lou.”

Harry was pretty sure he had broken about a dozen different traffic laws, running not one, but two red lights and making what was probably an illegal turn somewhere along the way. His heart was pounding and the only thing on his mind was _ Louis. _Get Louis. Drive Louis. Help Louis. Louis, who he spotted immediately as he pulled up in front of the building. He was standing by the door, dressed in sweats and a sweater- another one Harry’s, of course. His face was pale and glistening with tears. He was clutching his phone in his hand along with a jacket and his wallet. And he was trembling. Harry wanted to hold him. 

He got out of the car and did it. Louis fell into his arms, still shaking like a leaf. He felt so small in his grasp- so scared. “She’s going to be okay love, she’s alive,” he murmured. “You’re okay.”

“Harry,” he cried, anguish in his sweet voice. 

“C’mon babe, let’s go,” said Harry, gently tugging him along. He opened the door for Louis and helped him inside, momentarily thinking about how this was the first time Louis had been in his car for two years and nine months. He helped Louis buckle in since his hands were shaking too hard for him to do it properly on his own and then, after a moment’s hesitation, leaned in to gently kiss his temple. He reared back, closing the door and leaning against it, taking deep breaths. 

_ Get it together Styles. _

He drove more safely now that Louis was in the car with him. He had completely curled into a small ball, eyes shut and fists pressed to his knees. Harry wanted to reach out and maybe squeeze his thigh, reassure Louis that he was here- here for him. 

He couldn’t imagine what was going through his head right now. Lottie got into a car accident. She was in the hospital. That was as much as he knew but he still knew this was much more than just an injury in Louis’ eyes. Harry knew he was currently reliving another time he was at a hospital and he knew it was making him panic and freak out. 

Harry didn’t get to be there for him the first time but he was here now. And he wasn’t going anywhere. 

They made it to the hospital and Harry eased into a parking spot. He got out of the car and immediately circled around to open the door for Louis. Louis was staring blankly in front of him, not moving. “Lou, c’mon love,” said Harry gently. He reached out a hand, shivering when Louis placed his slightly cold one in his. He ignored the way their hands fit and instead coaxed the boy into coming out. “Lottie’s inside,” he reminded him. “She’s waiting for you.”

Louis nodded, carefully getting out. Then he crumpled. Harry caught him again, wrapping his arms around his waist and swaying them. Louis let out a ragged sob, “I can’t do it.”

“Yes you can,” said Harry. “She’s okay baby, I promise.” He then tensed, realized he just called Louis ‘baby’ on accident. However, Louis didn’t seem to notice or care since he just nuzzled his way further into Harry’s hold.

“I feel so awful,” admitted Louis. “They called me and I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t know what to do, I’m a horrible brother.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” said Harry, frowning. He tilted Louis’ head gently with his hand, meeting his watery blue (gorgeous) eyes. “You’re an incredible brother. No one blames you for not knowing exactly what to do. There is no absolute sequence of actions you’re supposed to complete in this sort of situation. You can only do your best. And that’s good enough love, believe me.” 

Louis didn’t answer, just blinked his eyes as more tears dripped down. Harry reached down and grabbed his hand gently, squeezing his fingers. “We’ll figure the rest out together, okay Lou?”  
Louis nodded, exhaling slowly. 

Harry gave a reassuring smile before reluctantly letting go, “Okay, let’s-”

Louis grabbed his hand back and intertwined their fingers, holding on so tight Harry should’ve been bothered (but wasn’t). His mouth stayed open, surprised. He snapped it shut, clearing his throat. Hands linked tightly together, he led Louis to the front door and held the door open for him. Louis immediately approached the lady at the desk who smiled kindly at him. 

“I’m Louis Tomlinson, here to see Lottie Tomlinson,” said Louis, voice wavering. Harry squeezed his hand. 

“Yes, Lottie is still in surgery sir, but you can wait in the waiting room and a nurse will give you all the details,” she said, before giving him directions. 

“Thank you,” said Harry, before taking the lead and pulling Louis along with him. “Hey Lou, did you tell your family about Lottie?”

“Yeah, I called Mark and he’s telling the girls- he can't come until later because of work but I also called Calvin and he'll probably drive my sisters,” said Louis. “I still have to call Dan and then probably car insurance because I’m pretty sure her car is wrecked, shit I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Hey, no,” said Harry, whirling around to cup Louis’ face. “You’re doing amazing, really.”

Louis nodded, a dazed look in his eyes. Harry recognized it. He had always gotten a little out of it after getting super emotional or stressed- in this case, it being all of the above. So Harry figured his best option was to continue taking the lead in this situation. They made it to the waiting room and took the two closest seats to room 315 which was currently closed. 

Harry was upset about Lottie of course, he hoped she really would be alright and that she’d be back to her normal self as soon as possible, but he was also worried about Louis who was back to shaking. The woman had said Lottie would be in surgery but should be out in fifteen minutes, so Harry just had to keep Louis calm until he could see for his own eyes that his little sister was alright. 

“Hey Lou,” he tried. 

“Yeah?” Louis’ voice was cracky and weak. Harry squeezed their linked hands again. 

“What was the last song you listened to?” he asked. Louis blinked, looking confused. His eyebrows furrowed and nose scrunched up cutely in thought. 

“Uhh, other than TV show theme songs, I think ‘Talk Too Much’ by COIN?” he said, looking up at Harry in question. 

Harry nodded, “I’ve never heard of it or COIN, how are they?” 

“They’re an American band,” said Louis. “I dunno really, Zayn was the one who found them and that song has just been stuck in my head for the past month or so. It’s a good song, very nice.”

“I’ll have to listen to it,” said Harry, making a note to himself to actually do that because if Louis loved a song, then he was automatically curious- that was just the way it was. “What about before that?”

Louis bit his lip, thinking hard. He shrugged, “I don’t remember. Probably Arctic Monkeys or something. Maybe Vampire Weekend.”

“Yeah, and what was the last movie you watched?” asked Harry, feeling more relaxed because Louis now sounded a lot more relaxed. 

“Grease,” said Louis, shyly.

Harry smirked, “Of course.”

“Heyyy, I bet you watched Love, Actually once in the past few weeks,” said Louis grumpily, crossing his arms. 

Harry grinned, “Mayybee.”

“Idiot,” said Louis and Harry was positive he could detect some fondness in his seemingly exasperated words. “But thanks… for distracting me.”  
Harry smiled at him, “Anytime love.”

“Mr. Tomlinson?” questioned a nurse who appeared out of nowhere. They both jumped. 

“What, what is it?” asked Louis, a little bit of the earlier panic slipping through. 

“Your sister is out of surgery and they’re trying to wake her up,” the nurse informed them. “You can come in now if you want.”

“Yes please,” said Louis, standing up. Harry reluctantly let go of his hand and Louis shot him a confused glance. 

“Right this way,” the lady said and Harry smiled reassuringly at her. Louis frowned, not moving. 

“Lou?”

“Aren’t you coming?” asked Louis, raising an eyebrow.

Harry froze, mouth opening before snapping shut. Louis wanted him to come with him. “Uh, yeah, sorry,” he said, standing up. He resisted the grin that threatened to overtake his face when Louis grabbed his hand. They followed the lady to room 315. Harry tightened his grip on Louis’ smaller hand right as they walked through the door. 

Louis gasped. 

Lottie was laying in the bed, unconscious. Harry’s heart pounded. He hadn’t seen the girl in a really long time but she still looked how he remembered- but with platinum blonde hair and paler skin, the latter was probably just due to the events of that day. There was a bandage wrapped around her forehead and her left leg was propped up but other than that, she looked intact. She looked alive. 

Louis was crying again as he approached and Harry let go to let him sit beside his sister on the bed. Lottie’s eyes fluttered open almost immediately. “Lots,” Louis choked out, gently reaching out for her. 

Lottie blinked, eyebrows furrowing in obvious confusion. “Lou?” she said, voice groggy. “What happened?”

“You got into a car accident,” whispered Louis, gently wiping the tears away from his cheeks with shaky hands. “Oh my god Lottie I’m so glad you’re okay.”

Lottie looked almost bewildered for a moment before realization dawned on her, “Shit! What happened to my car?”

Louis’ mouth dropped open and for a second there was complete silence, but then Louis laughed. One loud guffaw which he followed immediately by slapping a hand over his mouth, eyes bulging wide. Fuck, why was he so adorable all the time? “I’m sorry!” he exclaimed. “But… you’re worried about a fucking car Lotts and I thought I had lost you!”  
Lottie looked horrified, “Oh my god, _I’m_ sorry, holy shit I didn’t realize- I’m okay Lou, I promise. It hurts like a bitch but I’m okay.” 

“I know,” said Louis honestly before leaning in to hug her gently. Lottie hugged him back which is right about when she noticed Harry’s presence, their eyes making contact. He smiled sheepishly. 

“Uh, anything you want to tell me big brother?” asked Lottie, eyeing him interestedly. 

Louis blinked confusedly before glancing back at Harry and realizing, “No! Um. I mean- Harry brought me here.” Lottie was looking at him amusedly. “Zayn’s back at home so, uh.”

Harry bit back a smile at his adorable look of flusteredness on his face. 

“What were you even doing up here anyway?” asked Louis, changing the subject. 

Lottie smiled sheepishly, “Coming down to surprise you.”

Harry winced as Louis’ face crumpled, “That means it’s-”

“Don’t you dare say it’s your fault,” scolded Lottie, mouth pulling into a stern frown. “I _ chose _to visit you and you had no idea I was even coming, so shut up.”

“I still feel horrible,” admitted Louis, taking her hand in his. Lottie pulled him into another hug. This time Louis buried his face in her shoulder and Lottie rubbed his shoulder. They both looked so vulnerable and all of a sudden it felt like Harry was intruding on something. 

“I’m going to let you two talk in private,” he said carefully. They both glanced at him, matching blue eyes looking at him with barely veiled surprise- as if they both had forgotten he was there. Probably. “I’m glad you’re alright Lottie,” he said honestly. She smiled at him and Harry was so relieved there seemed to be no hard feelings between them. At least not currently. 

He stepped back out into the waiting room and pulled out his phone which he hadn’t looked at since Louis called him. He had a text from Gemma asking him when they should have lunch next week. Harry sent her a text explaining what happened- he figured that since Gemma and Lottie were hanging out again, she’d want to know. Then he texted Niall and told him he might not be there at dinner. He settled back in the cramped chair and closed his eyes, sighing. This had definitely not been his plan for today. He had been planning on going into the studio after lunch but Louis’ call had him cancelling that plan and any other plans he had for getting things done today. But he couldn’t say he particularly minded. 

Harry woke up from an unintentional nap about an hour later to the sound of someone freaking out. “Where is she? Where is she?” The voice was familiar… and hysterical. 

His eyes flew open and he stumbled to his feet, rubbing his sore neck right as Felicite Tomlinson burst into the room. On her heels were the twins- Phoebe and Daisy, and then a very out-of-breath Calvin Rogers. 

Fizzy stopped short when she saw him “Harry?” she blurted, face overcome with shock.

“Hey,” he said awkwardly, fumbling with his hands. “Um, Lottie’s in room 315, I think you can just go in.”

Fizzy was staring at him like she wanted to say something but in the end she just nodded, turning to go see her sister. Phoebe and Daisy followed, both glancing back at him curiously. He waved and then cringed at himself. 

Calvin cleared his throat, “Hey man.”

“Hey Calvin,” said Harry. “Um, good to see you?”

Calvin grinned at him, “Don’t worry mate, I’m not going to yell at you or anything,” he paused to wink cheekily, “You get a free pass today because you helped Louis out.” 

“Thanks?” 

Calvin just smirked, “Want me to get you some coffee?”

Harry shrugged, “I dunno, water would be okay too. But I’m sure Lou- Louis would want some tea. It’ll calm him down.”

“Yeah, I know,” said Calvin, giving him an amused look. And duh, he’d know how to help Louis- he’s his oldest friend! Harry ignored the blush forming on his face in favor of clearing his throat and sitting down. He really didn’t think this through. He was surrounded by Tomlinsons- well Tomlinsons and Calvin, but he might as well be a Tomlinson considering how close he and Louis were. Harry had really liked Calvin actually- they got along really well whenever Harry went with Louis back to Doncaster. It was weird because he knew all these people- or he used to know them at least. 

He hoped he’d one day get the chance to know them again. 

-

“Harry?” Someone nudged his shoulder and he groaned, eyes fluttering open. He was met by Louis’ bright blue eyes. He sat up, slowly, groaning again when he felt his neck cramp. Those hospital chairs really were not comfortable. 

“What happened? Is Lottie okay?” he asked, voice coming out scratchy and deep. 

Louis smiled, “She’s fine. The others are in there with her… I just wanted to say thank you. For driving me and distracting me and staying here.” He held up a bag of takeout that Harry hadn’t noticed before. “Cal went out for food and I told him to get your usual.”

“Thanks Lou,” said Harry, right as his stomach growled. He smiled sheepishly and Louis laughed quietly, one small hand coming up to cover his mouth. Something twisted inside him. Why was he so fucking adorable?

Louis seemed to have something else to say judging by the way he was shuffling his feet, “What?” asked Harry.

“It’s just…” Louis then shook his head. “Never mind. It’s almost 8 by the way, you should probably head home. I’m- I’m going to be alright.”

“Are you sure?” asked Harry. “Because I’ll stay if you want me too.”

Louis gave him a grateful look, “Thanks Haz, but really, go home and get some proper rest. It’s nearly 8.” 

Haz. Harry felt all of a sudden way too hot in this hospital waiting room. “8 really?” Louis nodded. Harry was surprised- he hadn’t realized so much time had passed. After Calvin brought him some water, he went in to talk to Lottie a little more. Then Louis had another mild freak out after the doctor came in to talk about Lottie’s injuries and mentioned how close Lottie had been to dying. Harry helped calm him down the same way he always had- soothingly running hands down his arms and guiding him through breathing exercises. Calvin had been staring at him when Louis finally calmed down enough to take the water he offered, and when Louis went to the restroom, he had pulled Harry aside to thank him. Later on, after Louis had called car insurance and Harry answered a worried phone call from Gemma (whom he connected with Lottie- the two of them spent twenty minutes talking on Harry's phone and Gemma was so relieved after so Harry didn't mind), he had settled down to take another nap. He hadn't realized how exhausted he was from the day's events until his eyes fluttered shut and he went out like a light. 

Harry cleared his throat, “Should I say bye to Lottie?”

“If you want,” was Louis’ reply. 

Harry decided to, it was only polite. He peeked his head into her room and smiled seeing Lottie sitting up in bed, laughing, surrounded by Fizzy, Daisy, Phoebe… and Mark. He must have arrived when Harry was asleep. They all looked up at him and he did his best not to be awkward, “I’m heading home, just wanted to say bye. Hope you’re out as soon as possible Lottie.”

Lottie smiled at him, “Thanks Harry, bye!”  
“Bye Harry,” said Phoebe, who then directed a wink to Louis who was standing behind Harry. Louis sighed. 

“Right, that’s enough.” Harry grinned, following Louis outside. But his grin slowly left as he realized he now had to say goodbye to Louis. He was going to go home and then not see Louis. Movie night had been cancelled this week due to Liam and Zayn being gone but Harry wasn’t even sure it was still a thing… after everything. And the two of them definitely hadn’t been texting. 

“I, um,” said Harry. “Before you get mad at me, I just want to say one quick thing.”

Louis’ initially relaxed and happy expression disappeared in flash and was replaced by suspicion and reluctance. Harry tried not to let it hurt. “What?”

“I talked to Malcolm,” he said softly, wincing when Louis flinched. “He’s an asshole Louis and I’m sorry I never noticed it. What he said to you… It can’t be forgiven. We’re no longer friends in case you’re wondering.”

Louis was frowning, “No offense Harry but what exactly am I supposed to say to that? Thank you for seeing the truth?”

Harry winced again. “No, yeah, I’m not trying to make you- It’s just… I want you to know that you never have to worry about dealing with him again. I know things aren’t the best between us but… if one day you want us to be friends again, then I’ll be here. I’ll always be here, I promise. And I won’t fuck up again. That’s another promise. 

Louis nodded, “I’ll take that into consideration Harry.” He sounded so exhausted and all Harry wanted to do was wrap him into a hug and just protect him from everything bad in the world- everything that could ever hurt him. 

Except… Harry now felt like he would be included in that list… 

And also, I want to apologize… for everything. I’m not bringing it up to change your mind or anything, but you deserve an apology.” He took a deep breath, “You also deserved a lot better than how I treated you for the last few months of our relationship. I take full responsibility for how our relationship ended.”

Louis slumped, “Don’t do that. It wasn’t all you Harry, believe me. Both of us didn’t communicate. We’re both at fault to an extent. I’m sorry too.”  
Harry shook his head, “Yeah, but I was the one who ignored you. I… I regret it so much, believe me Louis. I kept choosing my new life over you-” Louis flinched and Harry’s heart panged in sympathy. “And you didn’t deserve that. If I could go back, I’d treat you better. I would have never signed on with James and my old label had I known what it would do to me- had I known how it would change me. I’m not proud of the person I was for that point in time. But I promise I’ve learned. And I’m so, so sorry I was too oblivious to see it sooner.” 

“I appreciate that,” whispered Louis, looking small with his arms wrapped around his torso and shoulders scrunched in. The urge to hug him wasn’t diminishing and Harry had to clench his fists to keep them from reaching out. “And I know you’ve changed. I’ve changed a lot too. I wasn’t… I wasn’t in the best place personally at that time and it’s taken me a really long time to accept myself- to love myself I guess. But that was always my own journey to take and I’ve taken it.” 

“That’s good, I’m happy for you,” said Harry softly. He meant it. Louis deserved to feel every bit of confidence and security in himself and his body, mind, and personality. Because he was extraordinary. “You deserve that for yourself.”

“Thanks,” said Louis, ducking his head. “We can still be friends Harry, I just need time.” 

“Right…” said Harry lamely. Time, he could wait. He’d wait forever if he had to. Louis didn’t say anything else so they both just kind of stood there. Two people who were not who they used to be. Two ghosts of their past selves just trying to figure stuff out. Annoyingly, Harry’s brain gets the wisps of a song lyric about it. _ Now now, Jesus Christ. _“I guess I’ll go then, um. Bye?”

“Bye Harry,” said Louis. “Thank you again.”

“Anytime,” he said easily. “I mean it, _ anytime.” _

Louis gives him a sort of half-smile, half-grimace but it wasn’t hostile so Harry would take it. “Call me if you need anything,” he said, walking backwards. 

Louis nodded, looking shy. 

“Like, anything, even if you’re hungry. I can pick up food or something,” said Harry, rambling on. “Okay bye.” He nodded one more time at Louis (who was giving him almost a fond look) before slowly turning and walking away. It was a lot more difficult than he was expecting. 

-

**September 29th 2017 (4 days prior)**

Harry’s only goal for the meet up was to 1) _ not _punch Malcolm (no matter how much he deserved it, and no matter how much Harry desperately wanted to) and 2) get a full confession- the truth. The truth of why Malcolm, his once best friend, would ever do something like this to him- to anyone at all. 

With that in mind, he finally stepped into the familiar building of Florence’s, which he had been pacing in front of for the past five minutes, fists in a constant state of clenching and unclenching as he overthought his entire existence. 

This restaurant had been a safe place for Harry ever since Malcolm first took him here in March of 2015 back when Harry was still heartbroken and _ so fucking blind _. Malcolm had coaxed him out to a nice lunch, his first venture out of his apartment that wasn’t for groceries or work in about two and a half months. Harry was at his lowest and Malcolm had done his best to pull him out of it. 

If only past Harry knew how much Malcolm was truly responsible for that “low point”, things would have gone a lot differently. 

Malcolm was sitting at their usual table, with their usual orders laid out on the table in front of him. Harry stopped right before his seat, breathing hard. A million different emotions went through his brain as Malcolm looked up and met Harry’s eyes. The overwhelming feeling however, was one of hurt. Of betrayal. 

Harry had trusted Malcolm, had confided in him, relied on him, and sought comfort from him. The potential that he could’ve been sabotaging Harry’s relationship- insulting Louis, who Malcolm had always known meant everything to him, it was crushing. 

Harry had not slept at all last night, mindlessly tossing and turning as he replayed the scene at the club. Louis’ hurt- the pure anguish and despair on his face. And then he kept replaying his conversation with Malcolm and then he was too angry to sleep. 

That anger returned as he stood there, locked in a staring stalemate with his best friend. Ex best friend, he internally corrected. “Malcolm,” he said stiffly, deciding he’d be the one to initiate the conversation since there seemed to be no effort from the man’s side. 

“Harold,” said Malcolm scathingly. “Well, are you going to sit down and explain to me why you would dare accuse me of such a horrible thing?”

Harry sucked in a breath, doing his best to quell the fury igniting inside him. He took a seat in the chair harshly, placing his forearms on the table and leaning in. “You can’t deny you’ve said some shitty things about Louis to me in the past.”  
Malcolm frowned, “Yeah and that never seemed to bother you at the time, didn’t it?”

Harry winced, faltering because… he was right. Harry had never said anything about it at the time because, horribly, it had felt like some sort of bitter validation for all the heartbreak and pain he had endured. Harry had tricked himself to believing that he truly hated Louis- but now he realized how unfair that whole thing was. Louis wasn’t horrible or an asshole and he definitely didn’t deserve Malcolm’s insults nor Harry’s lack of defense. 

Malcolm smirked at him, “See?”

Harry frowned, “That still doesn’t justify anything you said to him when we were still _ dating _ and together. You were horrible to him.”

Malcolm rolled his eyes, “If I really was so ‘horrible’ then how come Louis never said anything to you? He had to have known you’d believe him immediately, so clearly it’s nowhere near the level of what you’re accusing me of.”

“Bullshit,” growled Harry. “I don’t know why Louis never told me, but I wouldn't surprised if you had something to do with it too-” Malcolm scoffed. “And besides, that doesn't change a thing- you still hurt him. You deliberately hurt someone I loved and that is _unforgivable_.”

“So let me guess,” said Malcolm, his tone of voice so even and calm that it was irritating. “You’re abandoning me, despite everything we’ve been through. I gave you all of me Harry-”

“So did I,” said Harry angrily. “And you took it and used it to hurt someone I love.”

“Someone you _ love _, present tense?” asked Malcolm, raising an eyebrow. “Oh for fuck’s sake, is that what this is about?”

“What-”

“You’re making a big deal about this because you’re trying to get back with Louis,” said Malcolm incredulously. Then he laughed. 

The motherfucker _ laughed. _

Harry slammed his hand down onto the table, way harder than he initially intended but he couldn’t deny that he felt some sort of sick satisfaction at the way Malcolm was jarred from his cocky tirade. “I’m not doing this because of my feelings for Louis, which by the way are none of your business. I’m doing this because I cannot be friends with someone who clearly doesn’t care about me enough to respect my partner and who would go as far as to bully him because of your own jealousy.” Malcolm went rigid. “Because that’s the real reason you did it, isn’t it? You were jealous.”

Malcolm scowled, “So what if I was? You can’t blame me, you- God, I can’t believe you ever thought you and Louis Tomlinson were a better match than you and me.” The _ I can’t believe you love him and not me _went unsaid. 

“That is where you’re wrong,” said Harry. “We definitely would have been an awful match, even just going off the fact that I’d never date someone who’d backstab me like you did. Louis is amazing in so many ways but one of the things I love most about him-” Love. “-is his big heart. His kindness. Even to those who don’t deserve it. That’s one of the things that fucks me up the most about this. The fact that you were probably saying all kinds of nasty shit to him but he never retaliated- because he’d never stoop to your level. He may defend himself, sure, but he’d never resort to disrespectful and distasteful slander which I’m sure you have no problem summoning.”

Malcolm was glaring at him so hard, Harry could practically feel the heat from it burning his cheekbones. “You talk a lot of shit for someone who’s literally taking advantage of my feelings for you- I’d consider that stooping really low.”

Harry’s fists clenched as another wave of rage succumbed over him. “I have _ never _taken advantage of your feelings for me and you know it.”

Malcolm rolled his eyes, “Well is there anything else you want to scream at me about?”

“Yes,” said Harry simply. “I want you to apologize to Louis.”

Malcolm’s jaw fell open, openly gawking at Harry. “What?” he managed to choke out nearly a minute later. 

“You heard me,” said Harry. “Not in person, no. You’re not coming anywhere near him ever again, but a written apology would suffice. It wouldn’t do anything to make up for all the shit you’ve pulled but it’s the least he deserves.”

“You’re ridiculous,” said Malcolm. “I refuse.”

“Malcolm I don’t think you understand,” said Harry, lightly drumming his fingers on the table. He almost couldn’t recognize the steeliness in his voice. Harry was not a violent person- he’d never physically hurt someone intentionally, but that didn’t mean he was just going to let Malcolm walk away from this without dealing with any consequences. “I know you. I know so much shit and incriminating stuff about you from these past three years and I know exactly who would benefit the most if I were to reveal some of that information. Because I know I’m not the only one you’ve fucked over, and I’m sure those other people would love to finally get back at you for the wrong you’ve done.”

Malcolm’s jaw had dropped even further. He sputtered, “Who do you think you are?”

“Takes one to know one,” said Harry dryly. “Guess I did learn some stuff from you over the past few years, Mal.” 

“You’re despicable,” said Malcolm, seething.

“Mail me the apology, I don’t want to see your face,” snapped Harry. “I’m grateful for the fun times we’ve had but I think we both know those have come to an end.” He stood up, stilling once Malcolm started talking back. 

“You know, even if I did supposedly help drive Louis away,” he began, his mouth hardening into a thin line. “I’m not the one who broke your relationship- you did that just fine by yourself. I’m not the one who avoided going home for as long as possible, I encouraged you, sure. But you were the one who stayed behind. I’m not the one who completely ignored his boyfriend, who I’m sure would be visibly affected if he was being ‘bullied’ by one of your friends. I didn’t ruin anything, you did.” 

Harry barely stopped himself from flinching at the cold truth of Malcolm’s words. He opened his mouth to say something but Malcolm wasn’t finished.

“And I’m also not the one who fell out of love with you and gave up on your relationship,” said Malcolm smugly. “I told many lies about you Harold, but Louis still believed them. _ He _ chose them over his trust in _ you _ . _ He _ stopped loving you. _ He _ gave up on you.”

This time Harry did flinch, limbs going rigid as the accusation echoed in his mind. _ He gave up on you. _

“You can’t pin the blame on your failed love all on me,” said Malcolm ruthlessly. Harry’s heart dropped because _ fuck, _he was kind of right as much as Harry loathed to admit it. Malcolm stood up in a huff. “So fuck you too Harry Styles. I can’t believe I wasted three years loving you.” There was real pain in his last statement- bitter pain, raw hurt that made Harry feel almost a little bit guilty. But that guilt evaporated quickly as Malcolm shook his head at him and then walked away, throwing him the bird over his shoulder. Harry watched his familiar frame saunter farther and farther away until he was leaving the restaurant completely, Harry’s life along with it. 

It took Harry a minute to realize Malcolm left him to pay for their uneaten food. 

"Bastard," he muttered. He then blocked Malcolm on all social media and deleted his number off his phone, because he's efficient like that. 

(And then he brought all the food back to the flat to share with Niall who let him rant about the whole situation for ages- Niall was a good friend, unlike others). 

-

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes the hospital thing has been planned from the beginning- I'm a lover of conflict, what can I say. Also, I mentioned COIN in this chapter because they're one of my favorite bands (and that was also the last song I had listened to so it fit) and I fully recommend.
> 
> Harry has apologized (or at least, apologized part 1, because trust me, there's a whole lot more to come), what do we think?
> 
> Also why do you think Louis is so against driving?


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little rougher and less edited than usual (though I am pretty lazy with editing overall) which I apologize for but I'm going out of town for a few days and I wanted to get this up before I left which meant sacrificing some quality control. This chapter was also meant to include a lot more but when I breached 6k words I realized it was getting WAY too long so we'll see if I decide to either consolidate the remaining content into Chapter 28 or post a Chapter 27 part 2. Hope you enjoy nonetheless.

**October 15th 2017**

Harry ripped off his headphones, heart racing. He looked up at Tom and Nate, the sound technicians. Then he looked at Donna who was sitting across from him, grinning. “Good?”

“Fantastic,” said Tom. 

“Brilliant,” said Rob, another member of his team. “Holy shit, I think that’s the fastest anyone’s ever finished recording six songs.” 

Harry grinned. He felt light and happy. 

He caught Donna’s eyes, she was beaming equally wide. “Congratulations Styles, you have finished an album.”

Applause broke out and Harry leaned back, basking in it all. He did it. He finished his debut album. And it was releasing in less than two weeks. “We are never cutting it this close ever again,” he vowed. 

“You’re the one who begged me not to move up the deadline,” said Donna, shrugging. “Who told you it’d be a good idea to record and produce an album in two weeks- they sound like a crazy person.” She winked at him. 

“I guess I’m crazy,” said Harry, unbothered. “I can’t believe it’s done.”

“You did it man,” said Nate, clapping him on the shoulder. 

“By the way I booked you for a gig at Sandy’s on release day,” said Donna. “You’re going through the full album, and there’s a release party planned after.”

“Sounds good,” said Harry. And it was amazing. He was going to perform ten songs from his _ debut _ album to a crowd and then that album was going to be out for people to listen and buy and maybe resonate with. He had never felt this content in his career. He was _ proud _of the songs he wrote and the album they came together to create. And on November 8th, he’d share it with the public. 

Harry could say with utmost emphasis that he had never envisioned recording most of his first album in the span of two weeks, leaving three and a half weeks before official release day, but he wouldn’t change it for a thing. “I can bring a few copies for my friends to listen to, right?”

“Not today unfortunately,” said Tom. “But I’ll get you a few copies tomorrow. And you can invite all of them to the gig and party. We’ll reserve a spot for them if you want.” 

“Yes please,” he said immediately. He wanted everyone he loved to be there, together and in close enough range for him to see their reactions as he played through the album. His mum, Robin, Gemma, Michal, Niall, Barbara, Liam, Zayn, Kasey, and… hopefully Louis. 

If he’d come. 

Harry hoped he’d come. 

Especially since most of the album had unintentionally turned into an ode to their broken relationship, but also because Harry just really, really wanted him there. 

It had been a little less than two weeks since the hospital debacle and they hadn’t spoken much. Louis texted him when Lottie was discharged from the hospital and Harry expressed that he was glad in return, but that had been the end of it. That wasn’t to say Harry wasn’t constantly thinking of the man. He woke up in the morning with wisps of Louis-centered dreams floating through his mind. He went through his day randomly being reminded of him at the most unexpected times- like the other day when Liam had mentioned something about how his sister Ruth was obsessed with Love Island and all Harry could think about was how Louis _ despised _it. 

Zayn, oddly enough, had texted Harry and thanked him profusely for driving Louis to the hospital and watching out for him. Harry felt like he had unknowingly passed one of Zayn’s tests- not that Zayn wasn’t still distant towards him (Harry couldn’t blame him for that), but things were better. 

He had spent a lot of time at the studio, obviously, but he had also been spending a lot of time with Niall, just enjoying the time they had left as flatmates. Liam joined them in their reality tv marathons occasionally, but he was also spending a ton of time with Zayn (at this point Harry was convinced Liam was going to propose by Spring). Harry had accompanied Niall and Barbara as they went flat hunting and had been there when they toured the flat that they both dubbed “the one”. 

Harry had to admit- it was a nice flat. A close distance from the hospital and Barbara’s job as a paralegal and most importantly, a close enough distance from Liam and Harry’s flat. It was crazy to think that Niall would be leaving them, but at least he wouldn’t be moving too far.

“Alright, ready to call it a day,” said Donna as they were walking out of the studio, Tom and Nate staying behind to pack everything up. “Well, more like night- it’s 7pm.”  
Harry glanced at his phone to see that, yes, it was 7 o’clock at night and Harry had been here since 6 in the morning. “Damn.”

“You worked hard popstar,” said Donna, smiling at him. “And it’s all going to pay off.”

He bit his lip, smiling, “I hope so. What’s your favorite song Donna?”

She considered it, frowning thoughtfully. “You know I had always been a big fan of Sign of the Times, ever since you made it the single in January- and I love Two Ghosts and Only Angel, those are nice songs. But I think the one I love the most is Sweet Creature.” Harry blushed. “It’s just such a sweet song, I hope I find that type of love one day,” she said wistfully. “The kind where you love someone so much that they feel like home to you. And it doesn’t matter how much you argue or fight, you still love each other so much. You forgive each other because you’re each other’s person, you’re _ home _.” 

“Yeah,” said Harry weakly. His throat had clogged up unexpectedly. “It’s… Um.”

“God I hope I find my person,” said Donna, smiling happily. “I’m sure I will. You’ll find yours too Harry, don’t you fret.” 

Harry smiled half-heartedly. He didn’t know how to explain to her that he had already found his person. His home. 

His sweet creature. 

-

“Stop being a dumbass,” huffed Louis, throwing another piece at popcorn at Liam. 

Liam groaned, “I’m not being a dumbass, _ you’re _being a dumbass.”

“You guys are so annoying when you’re together, for god’s sake,” said Zayn, shaking his head amusedly. 

Louis switched targets and aimed his next piece of popcorn at Zayn’s smug face. It bounced off his nose and Louis cackled at Zayn’s taken aback expression. “Fuck off,” said Zayn, fumbling with the piece before throwing it back at Louis. Unfortunately Zayn’s athletic prowess was very limited and his attack was off by five feet. Louis laughed again and this time so did Liam, clapping a hand over his mouth to hide it. 

Zayn scowled at his boyfriend, pinching his waist. “Twats. The both of you, for fuck’s sake.”

“Unpause the movie,” whined Louis, nudging Liam’s shin with his foot from where he lay slouched against the couch, bum getting sore from sitting on the floor. The lovebirds were nestled up together on the couch and Louis had initially been sprawled out on an armchair before sliding off and onto the carpet in a comfy heap as Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan battled it out in a fencing bout at camp. Why Liam and Zayn were watching The Parent Trap, he didn’t know, but he wasn’t complaining. 

Fond memories of watching this movie with the girls filled his head and he made a note to call them later today. 

“So,” said Zayn later on when Liam had left (but not without snogging Zayn in the foyer for ten minutes until Louis threw a pillow at them- _ disgusting, _utterly disgusting). Louis stilled, eyes flitting around the room, searching for an escape. He knew what Zayn was doing- he had been trying to corner Louis and get him to talk to him for the past week and a half. 

“I promised I’d call Dani,” he blurted, standing up from the carpet and blinking away the dizziness from his abrupt action. 

“Lou,” said Zayn warningly, crossing his arms. “Don’t make me tickle you.”

Louis made a face, “Tickle me? That’s the best you got Malik?”

“I’ll beat you up,” said Zayn seriously. Louis couldn’t help it, he burst out laughing. He realized too late that his hysterical laughs made him vulnerable to Zayn lunging for him. His eyes widened as they both stumbled backwards and then down onto the floor. Louis’ elbow hit the carpet particularly roughly and half of Zayn’s weight knocked the wind out of him. 

“What the fuck!” he squawked. But then Zayn turned and attacked him with his fingers. He screeched (very manly, definitely) and squirmed. “ZAYN!”

“You prat!” exclaimed Zayn, grinning like a loon as he continued his assault on Louis’ sensitive skin. Louis was shaking with laughter, kicking and squirming and wriggling in Zayn’s unyielding grip. Finally, Zayn’s grasp slackened enough for Louis to kick him in the ribs.

“Ow!” yelped Zayn, rubbing his torso with an affronted look. 

“Bastard,” said Louis, breathing hard. But his mouth was quirking up at the end and he felt lighter than he had in a week. “I hate you.”

“You love me,” said Zayn, rolling his eyes. “Now tell me the truth.”

“About what?” asked Louis, playing coy. He stood up before falling backwards onto the couch, splaying his limbs out like a starfish. Zayn gently took a seat by his legs, lifting his feet and placing them in his lap when he settled down. 

“About Harry,” said Zayn. Louis didn’t even flinch, he had already known. What else would it be about? He was silent for a minute, just studying Louis who ducked his head, fixing his gaze on his knees which he was hugging to his chest. It was like a switch flipped now that Zayn had uttered his name. Now all Louis could see when he closed his eyes was Harry, looking tired but determined when he came to drive Louis to the hospital. Harry gently buckling him in. Harry kissing his temple. Harry distracting him from his worry. Harry calming him down when he had a panic attack. Harry being there for him. He almost missed Zayn’s next question: “Do you regret saying no?”

Louis bit his lip, instantly knowing what his friend was referring to and already feeling overwhelmed. “I don’t know,” he admitted honestly. 

Zayn nodded, “Do you think you’ll forgive him? And give him a second chance?”

“I don’t know,” whispered Louis, hugging his legs closer to himself and scrunching in. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“You want him,” said Zayn. It wasn’t a question but he nodded nonetheless. 

“I… love him,” said Louis, eyes welling slightly. “You know that already.”

“But he wants you back,” said Zayn gently. Louis exhaled shakily. “Hey, I’m not trying to upset you- if you want me to stop, tell me anytime. I just want you to know I support you either way Lou. If you take him back and forgive him. If you decide to move on. I think Harry’s a good guy but I also really don’t like how he treated you and how he ignored how others were treating you.”

“I don’t like it either,” said Louis slowly. “But… I guess he apologized? And I know he means it- he was really upset about it too. And I know he’s changed a lot- grown up. I can tell just from hanging around with him. He told me last month that he stopped hanging out with a lot of his old toxic friends and… I mean, he left his old label and his stupid manager and the one he’s with now is much better. He doesn’t work as much. And I’ve grown a lot too, I’m not as insecure as I used to be...” He trailed off, “Why does it sound like I’m trying to convince you, fuck I don’t even know what I want.” He covered his face with his hands, taking deep breaths. 

“It’s okay,” said Zayn, squeezing his ankle. “You know you can forgive him and not go back to him?” he suggested. 

“I know,” said Louis, before faltering. “But I don’t know how I can continue on just being friends with Harry.” It felt like a confession. A secret. “Not when I love him.”

“And he likes you,” added Zayn. “Somewhat of a dilemma I suppose.”

“A bit of predicament,” said Louis, smiling half-heartedly.

“I think you guys should talk again,” said Zayn carefully. “It doesn’t have to be now… but eventually.”

“You’re right,” said Louis defeatedly. “Can’t say I’m looking forward to it. I feel like I’m close to bursting- like if he asks me again, I’ll say yes immediately.”

“But is that a bad thing?” asked Zayn, raising an eyebrow. 

Louis huffed, “I liked it better when you were trying to push your opinions onto my decisions. At least I had some semblance of whether I was making the right choice or not.”

“Yeah, but this is way bigger than any of those small decisions. This is about your life so it can only be _ your _choice,” said Zayn, absently patting his calves. 

Louis sighed. “I need a smoke.” He hadn’t smoked in nearly a month- not that he had been smoking excessively before that. He felt sort of proud in some horrible way, proud that he was only smoking on rare days where stress and anxiety got the best of him, and never alone, always with Zayn who could watch out for him. Zayn too, had stopped smoking dramatically. He remembered when they first met, when Zayn was a depressed loner who masked his pain with empty smiles and parties before slunking home to chainsmoke a dozen cigarettes. When they got closer, Louis started getting onto Zayn about his bad habits, trying to come across as subtle and gentle. They fought about it plenty of times but eventually Zayn’s addiction waned, bit by bit, and in solidarity, Louis made a promise with Zayn to only ever smoke with other people, and never more than two cigarettes. Throughout their entire friendship, they have yet to break that promise. 

Louis also convinced Zayn to start focusing on his true passion of art, something Zayn always made sure to be grateful for. Louis was adamant that his role was more encouraging than actually having any impact- that Zayn himself was the one who upturned his own life and took the reins for prioritizing art, but Zayn was insistent that he would have never had the courage to give up his stable but miserable pathway in business for his passion if it wasn’t for him. 

“Maybe later babe,” said Zayn, getting comfortable on the couch. “Black Mirror?”

“Black Mirror,” Louis agreed. He pushed away the other nagging question in his brain. He had been thinking about it for a while and had even discussed it with James, but nothing had actually been prioritized until Lottie got into a car accident and Louis realized that him not being able to drive could have more consequences that he was strong enough to endure. He wanted to finally do it- finally drive a car again after nine months. Even though the thought itself caused Louis’ hands to shake incessantly and terror to float through his mind, he had to do it. And he wanted Zayn’s help. But first he needed to actually gain the courage to ask. 

He was afraid though, to see Zayn’s reaction. Louis would be kidding himself if he didn’t acknowledge that asking Zayn could be a very terrible idea. He knew that despite all his progress and how much he had improved mentally, Zayn was still constantly haunted by the past. He could see it in the way Zayn always watched Louis apprehensively when he was using a sharp object or how he flinched whenever Louis downed a shot or drank a little bit too much during one of the lads’ now frequent club excursions. 

And Louis couldn’t blame him. He could only ever imagine what it’d be like being in Zayn’s position and witnessing what Zayn did. Just thinking about what it would have been like for Louis if Zayn or Calvin or Perrie or anyone he was relatively close to, tried killing themselves-

It made Louis want to throw up. 

So asking Zayn would be tough. Louis had considered talking to someone else about it- Niall or Dana maybe. But he couldn’t hide from Zayn, he knew that from past experience. 

“Hey,” said Zayn, tapping his ankle. “You got lost in your thoughts for a second there, what’s up?”

Louis forced a smile, shaking his head, “S’nothing.”

Zayn raised an eyebrow, “You sure about that?”

Louis nodded, before changing his mind and shaking his head. “I was just thinking about something… Something I’m not going to talk to you about it but I promise I will because it’s important to me.” He said it slowly and genuinely. 

Zayn gazed at him with a mixture of worry but also acceptance. “Alright Lou, as long as you promise.” He turned back to the TV, eyes focused on Robert Daly. 

Louis smiled gratefully at Zayn even though he wasn’t paying attention. He was so lucky to have met Zayn and he was so grateful that Zayn saw something in him enough to befriend him and stick by him, through his darkest days. 

“Love you,” he murmurs. 

“Love you too,” said Zayn immediately, squeezing his ankle again. 

-

**October 16th 2017**

Harry was very surprised to see Zayn when he opened the door to their flat, especially since Liam was at work and Zayn should know that. “Are you looking for Li?” he asked anyway, eyeing the man who was dressed in a sweatshirt and jeans. 

“Actually, no, I came to talk to you,” said Zayn, giving him a half-smile. 

Harry blinked, suddenly slightly intimidated. “Uh, yeah sure,” he said, moving aside for Zayn to enter. “Anything in particular?” he asked, hoping the affectedness wouldn’t show in his voice. He already knew however, what that ‘particular’ was so he wasn’t surprised when Zayn bluntly said, “Louis.”

“Right,” said Harry, wincing. He took a seat on the couch and Zayn sat in an armchair, hands fumbling for something to do mess with. He ended up tugging at the ties to his sweats, ignoring the tiny tremor that went through his hands and awkwardly glancing away and then to Zayn. The silence was stifling. When he looked back a third time, Zayn was giving him a concerned look. 

“Harry… you know I’m not here to yell at you right?” he said. Harry relaxed with the admission, tension leaving his shoulders in a heartbeat. 

“Well I’m glad to know now,” he said jokingly. 

Zayn sighed, “Look, not to sound like a protective older brother, but we need to talk about your intentions with Louis.”

“My- Shit, am I making Louis uncomfortable?” he asked worriedly. He hadn’t talked to Louis in weeks, let alone about _ that _, but before… If he was truly bothering Louis, then he’d stop immediately- there were some limits he wouldn’t ever cross. “I’ll stop Zayn if that’s it, I promise I’ll give up.”

“What? No, no- I actually,” his voice trailed off. “It’s not that. It’s just… do you truly care for Louis?”

Harry blinked, taken aback, “I mean, yeah. Of course.”

“But like, romantically?” asked Zayn, eyes wide and beseeching. 

Harry blushed, “Yes.” He didn’t even have to hesitate. 

“Okay,” said Zayn slowly. “Let’s backtrack a moment. I know Louis told you some stuff about his side of the story, but I also know he purposely left some bits out because he was upset and probably, just still not _ over _those certain things.”

“Like what?” asked Harry, apprehension in his voice. 

“Like how, remember that night I was supposed to bring him to your guys’ party back in July?” Harry nodded. “Well he did come, but then he left after overhearing your conversation with Malcolm.”

Harry’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “My conversation with-” His eyes widened. “Oh. Oh shit.”

Zayn grimaced, “Yeah, um. That’s actually what triggered his relapse in self-harming.”

Harry flinched, standing up. “_What?” _

“Yeah,” said Zayn, still grimacing. “I’m not blaming you Harry, don’t worry. I pin all of this on that fucking asshole. But… I know you not defending him from Malcolm’s attacks hurt him more than he cares to admit.” Harry’s fists clenched. 

“Fuck,” he said weakly. He remembered that conversation. The nasty shit Malcolm said that Harry didn’t agree with, but still didn’t say anything about it because he was stupid and desperate to prove he was over Louis. “I…” He thought about Louis hearing that conversation, imagined how he must have curled into himself and cried- imagined how he must’ve believed it despite it all being bullshit, jealous bullshit. How he left early and probably went straight to cut again, in so much pain that the only thing he felt like he could do was cause himself more pain to cancel it out. Harry wanted to scream. “Oh my god. Fuck, I fucked up Zayn. I can’t believe… I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not me you have to apologize to,” said Zayn easily. 

“I know,” said Harry glumly. “I should’ve said something. I wanted to, but I didn’t because I’m an oblivious asshole who doesn’t realize when he’s screwing things up majorly.”

“Yeah,” said Zayn, no mercy in his agreement. But Harry chuckled lowly, he deserved it. 

He closed his eyes, unable to get the picture out of his head. “I can’t believe after all this, it’s… it’s partly my fault he was hurting himself.”

“Hey, no,” said Zayn seriously. “It’s called _ self- _ harm for a reason Harry, he _ chose _to do it due to his own pain and struggles. It’s not your fault.”

“It’s not _ all _ my fault,” corrected Harry. “I should’ve said something. I just… I can’t believe he heard that.”

“And believed it,” said Zayn sadly. Harry bit his lip so hard, the metallic taste of blood met his tongue and he swallowed roughly. “Listen Harry… I want what’s best for Louis.”

Harry stilled. “And that’s not me," he guessed ruefully.

Zayn shook his head, “I dunno actually. You could be exactly what’s best for him- he’s been pining over you for years after all.”

His heart stopped, “What.”

Zayn froze, eyes going wide, “Wait.”

“What?” Harry repeated, voice getting louder. His heart was pounding steadily in disbelief but Zayn was staring at him with horror and guilt, and not a lick of pretense in his gaze. “He’s-”

“Fuck, I thought you knew,” said Zayn hurriedly. “Fuck. Shit. What the hell?”

Louis… has been pining over him for years. That’s impossible. 

“He told me he stopped loving me,” blurted Harry, eyes wide. He couldn’t believe it. There’s no way. But Zayn said it so confidently, so naturally- like it was common knowledge, like it was _ obvious _. 

Zayn chuckled, “No offense Harry, but I’m pretty sure Louis isn’t above lying when it comes to getting what he wants- or doing what he thinks is right.”

Harry’s heart was still racing and he felt sweaty all of a sudden. He clenched and then unclenched his fists. Opened his mouth. Shut it abruptly. Swallowed dryly, adam’s apple bobbing. Cleared his throat, “So… Louis has feelings for me?”

Zayn rolled his eyes, “This isn’t secondary school mate, but yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re not too far off.”

“And he’s had feelings for me this whole time,” said Harry, horror growing in the pit of his stomach. “He had feelings for me when he overheard Malcolm.” His words stopped abruptly and he buried his head in his hands. “Oh god, I’m the worst.” 

“No kidding,” said Zayn mercilessly. Harry wasn’t paying attention, too busy baking under this new found knowledge. Louis never fell out of love with him. He lied. He broke up with Harry because he didn’t feel good enough- and Harry… And Harry proved to him properly that he was everything he ever wanted. 

Louis had feelings for him only to be trampled by Malcolm’s hate, beaten down further after Harry… After Harry did nothing to refute the lies. Fuck. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

“How do I fix this?” he asked breathlessly. He stared at Zayn pleadingly. “Please, Zayn. I know you have every reason to be pissed with me. I’ve been the most oblivious, idiotic asshole to Louis for far too long but I promise you, my feelings for him are real. I… I don’t think I’ll ever love someone the way I loved- love Louis. It sounds crazy, but it’s true. And I promise I’ll treat him the way he deserves if he gives me a second chance. God, I need to make this right. _ Please _ Zayn.” 

“So you’re determined,” clarified Zayn, eyes narrowing. 

Harry nodded, “And uh, no disrespect to you mate, but I’m going to do it whether I have your blessings or not.” At Zayn’s raised eyebrows, he fumbled on, “I mean, obviously it’s be great to have your blessing. I just meant that I _ have _ to get Louis back. He’s… He’s it.” 

Zayn stared at him with an unreadable expression for so long, Harry was beginning to feel the wisps of discomfort and agitation. Slowly, Zayn’s mouth curled into a soft smile. “I believe you Harry. And you have my ‘blessing’, though this isn’t a marriage proposal and I’m not his father.”

Harry leaned back onto the couch, only now realizing how far he had strained himself leaning towards Zayn while begging for a second chance. “Really?”

Zayn nodded, “I’ll help you mate, but only because I truly believe you’re the only one Louis will ever love enough to be with. And he deserves to be with someone. Someone who makes him happy and treats him right.” He paused to glare at Harry, “And if you hurt him ever again, I swear to you Harry Styles, you will regret it. I will not hesitate to hire a hitman.”

Hire a hitman. Geez, okay. “Noted,” he said shakily. 

“And even though I said I’ll help you, this is ultimately Louis’ decision and if he wants you to leave him alone, you will leave him alone.”

“Absolutely,” he said eagerly. Harry would never force Louis to do anything. If he rejected Harry’s advances another time, Harry would back away for good. Louis deserved that respect and he deserved someone he trusted, and if he couldn’t trust Harry ever again, then Harry would have to deal with that. Somehow. 

“Right,” said Zayn, thoughtfully. “I’m going to call Niall.”

“Niall?”

“Yeah mate, he’s been trying to get you guys back together this whole time,” said Zayn, laughing. Harry’s eyes bulged. Zayn just stared at him, “Damn you really are oblivious Styles, something to work on maybe?”

He fish-mouthed, still in shock, before nodding slowly. It shouldn’t even come to a surprise at this point. _ Of course _Niall had been secretly meddling with Harry’s love life under his nose for the past few months and of course Niall wasn’t going to let Louis slip away from Harry’s fingers a second time. 

“So I take it that means you’ll be talking to Niall,” said Zayn amusedly. He bit his lip, “I have another idea too, but I have to make a call. Can we meet for lunch on Saturday? You, me, Niall, and hopefully two others.”

Harry narrowed his eyes, internally going over his schedule, “I think so, yeah.”

“Great,” said Zayn, standing up. “I’ll text you the details. Operation Larry commences.”

Harry groaned, “Niall told you about our ship name didn’t he?”

Zayn nodded, looking far too amused, “I still think Halo is better but Niall insisted that we have to stick with tradition. By the way, I know way too much about your relationship to the point of it being slightly disgusting, Niall’s desperate for you guys to get back together. He’s been trying to recruit me and Liam in trying to coax you two into each other’s arms since August.”

Harry laughed weakly, “That motherfucker.”

Zayn checked his phone, “I have a shift in twenty minutes. Remember, I’ll text you, okay?”

Harry smiled, “Affirmative.”

Zayn smiled at him again, before leaving the flat. Harry waited a minute, before grabbing a nearby pillow and screaming into it. By the end of it, he was laughing so hard his eyes were watering and his abs hurt. He was suddenly very glad he was currently alone (Liam and Niall would give him hell for that stunt). 

When he finally calmed down, he still couldn’t stop grinning. There was hope. 

Hope. 

Louis had feelings for him. For him. Harry. 

God knows he didn’t deserve them but he couldn’t help but be so happy and so, so relieved. He couldn’t escape the faint premonition that they had a second chance- him and Louis.

Their story wasn’t over yet. 

-

**October 18th 2017**

The first person Harry sees waiting for him at Sally’s is Lottie Tomlinson. She’s seated up front by the counter, chatting with one of the workers who Harry didn’t know. She looked happy- healthy, bright, and safe. Not at all like she just barely survived a car accident. 

He looked around for Zayn, confused when he spotted him as he passed through the arched corridor from the kitchens and to the front, stopping in front of Lottie. He stood there awkwardly for a moment, wondering if maybe he should wait for Niall who had texted him a minute ago letting him know he was almost there. 

However Zayn ended up making the decision for him, glancing up and immediately latching onto him. “Harry,” he said, “C’mon over.”

He stood frozen for a one drawn out pause before making his way to the counter. Lottie grinned at him and he reluctantly smiled back. “Hey you,” she said cheerfully. “I heard you finished your album, congrats!”

He cleared his throat, voice coming out scratchy and confused, “Thanks Lottie, uh. It’s good to see you, looking well.” He winced. “Sorry that was awkward.”

Lottie giggled, “Just a tad.”

“Sit down mate,” said Zayn gently. He did, slowly sitting down onto the stool right beside Lottie’s. She was eating a croissant. Harry hadn’t even realized they sold croissants at Sally’s. 

“Oi oi!” yelled Niall, the sound of a door swinging shut following him as he assumedly walked into the shop. Harry rolled his eyes before spinning around and freezing in place.

“Hey brother,” said Gemma, smirking at him. 

“Gemma?” he said, disbelief coloring his tone. She ignored his obvious confusion and instead sauntered right up to the empty seat beside Lottie, taking a seat. 

“Is this chocolate?” she asked, pointing to the croissant. 

“Yeah, go for it,” said Lottie, before the two of them went in for a hug at the same time. Harry was aware that his mouth was still dropped in confusion. He jumped as Niall clapped his hand onto his shoulder. 

“Are we ready?” asked Niall excitedly. 

“Yeah, we’re all here,” confirmed Zayn. 

“Operation Larry back together begins,” said Niall, clapping his hands like a fucking toddler. Harry just stared at the four of them in confusion. 

“First order of business is changing that awful name,” said Gemma, mouth stuffed with croissant. “I told you from the start that _ Halo _was a better nickname anyway.”

“Agreed,” said Lottie. “Larry sounds like someone's crabby conservative great uncle.” She made a face.

“What the fuck is going on?” asked Harry, unable to resist. 

All four of them stared at him, wearing matching exasperated looks. 

“We’re helping you get Louis back, dumbass,” said Gemma, rolling her eyes in clear irritation. 

“You- oh,” said Harry, stunned. 

Gemma turned to Lottie, “I don’t know if you remembered how slow my idiot brother is, but forgive him anyway.” Lottie snorted. 

“Heyyy,” he said, crossing his arms and schooling his face into an indignant expression. Gemma just stuck her tongue out at him. “Very mature.” He turned to Lottie before his sister could respond, suddenly feeling very intimidated. “You want to help me?”

Lottie smiled gently at him, “I want my brother to be happy more than anything else in the world and I think you’ll make him happy.” 

Harry nodded, feeling a rush of emotions and gratitude to the woman before him. Woman. She had been so young when Harry first met her four years ago and look at her now. All grown up with her own business and being wise and helping out her older brother. She grew up and Harry missed it all. 

“No need to get sappy,” said Lottie softly, apparently reading his mind. Harry bit his lip, embarrassed. 

“C’mon guys, I only have a thirty minute break,” interrupted Zayn, no doubt getting annoyed with their sibling bickering. “We need a game plan.” He turned to Harry. “As much as he’ll deny it, I think we all know how much Louis would adore some sort of grand heartfelt gesture.” 

Harry exhaled. So they were just going to dive straight in. “A gesture, like a _ big _gesture? Are you sure about that?”

“It doesn’t have to be big,” said Gemma. “It just has to be from the heart. But yeah, something wowing definitely wouldn’t hurt your prospects.” 

Harry frowned, “I feel like I have to talk to him too.”

“Then both,” said Niall. “I already have the perfect plan, and we don’t even have to do anything because Harry did it all himself.”

“What?” asked Harry, confused. 

Niall shot him a smug look, “I listened to your album this morning.” Harry froze, the realization of what his friend meant hitting him in the gut. He could feel the heat in his cheeks, no doubt turning redder and redder. 

“What about it?” asked Gemma, giving him a curious look. “You haven’t told me anything about it.” 

“I just got the extra copies yesterday,” defended Harry. “And I didn’t tell anyone much about the album. Don’t know if you noticed, but recording an album in two weeks isn’t exactly conventional.” 

“And what, the songs are all about Louis?” asked Zayn bluntly. Harry winced immediately, ruining any chance of him being able to deflect the prying questions. He lifted his blushing face to meet Lottie and Gemma’s matching gaping jaws. 

“Oh my god,” said Gemma once she had processed everything fully. “Fuck, you are _so_ whipped.” 

Harry didn’t answer. He couldn’t exactly deny it, could he? 

"You wrote your _entire_ debut album about Louis," said Gemma, shaking her head in disbelief. 

"It's not all-"

“Yeah and if Louis comes to the gig on the 8th, he’ll hear you pour your heart out about how much you love him and miss him and wish you didn't fuck up so badly,” said Niall smugly. 

Harry buried his face in his hands, mumbling, “S’not all about him.”

“Where is it? I have to listen immediately,” said Gemma. She smacked his shoulder, "You lovesick dimwit." 

Harry glared at her.

“I’m curious now too,” added Lottie while Harry was wondering how long he'd be able to get away with hoarding all of his copies and preventing them from listening. 

“I have my copy in the car,” offered Niall and Harry’s head snapped up. 

“Cheers!” said Lottie. 

“Listening party later on,” said Gemma, high fiving her. 

“Traitor,” said Harry, pouting at Niall who just shrugged.

“They’re all going to hear it anyway. It’s kind of beautiful Harry, Louis will definitely love it.”

Harry’s heart fluttered nervously, “You think so.”

“So what you’re suggesting is have Louis come to the gig, and then what? Dedicate the album to him, like vaguely, without saying his name or anything because Louis would be too mortified otherwise,” said Zayn thoughtfully. “Then once Louis is sufficiently wowed, you take him backstage and talk? Ask him out? You'd give him flowers maybe?” 

“Holy shit, we really don’t have to do anything,” said Lottie appreciatively. 

“Productive meeting I think,” said Niall, poking Harry in the back and ignoring the scowl he received in return. 

“This is too chaotic for me,” said Zayn, shaking his head.

“But wait, how will we know that Louis actually comes?” asked Gemma. “I mean… do you think he will?”

“He will,” said Zayn firmly. He glanced at Harry, “He cares a lot about Harry.”

“He’s been in love with you the whole time,” said Lottie sympathetically and Harry all of a sudden felt very hot and overwhelmed. “Stole your sweaters and everything.”

That, for some odd reason, was the statement that he chose to reply to. “I never realized I was missing so many clothes since Louis came back into my life.” His mouth quirked up at the end absently. "I don't mind though."

“You noticed,” said Lottie, turning to him with blue eyes gleaming. “I told him he wasn’t being subtle.”

“I figured he just didn’t realize,” said Harry. “Like he just assumed they were his even though they're huge on him.”

“Trust me, he didn’t forget,” said Zayn, shaking his head. “It’s Louis, if he’s given an opportunity to flaunt or get you bothered, he's going to take it. And he's definitely going to be petty and dramatic about it.” 

“Yeah,” whispered Harry, voice thick with emotion as his throat closed up. Louis was dramatic and witty and fun and smart and sweet and soft and brave and strong and oh so lovely. Harry loved him, god he loved him. It was ridiculous and embarrassing and shocking but also not shocking at all. Harry had only ever felt this enamoured with Louis. From when he was 19 and first caught sight of Louis’ bright blue eyes and soft brown hair, and now when he was 23. 

They celebrated a “job well done” with a pitcher of leftover lemonade from one of the tables Zayn was supposed to be bussing (he ended up being a little late from break) and said their goodbyes- Lottie and Gemma roping off with Niall to go listen to him sing about his heartbreak for half an hour, cheers. Zayn returned to work and Harry returned to his car, sitting down with a sigh. He felt energized, caught in between feeling anticipation and raw nerves. They still had weeks left, plenty of time. 

See Harry agreed to the plan, but he was also coming up with plans of his own. He didn’t want to go straight into this _ serenade _in front of a ton of people and he definitely didn’t want to blindside Louis because that would just end up being worse for both of them. For one, he really needed to apologize again. And he had a great idea for how he was going to do it. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Harry knows Louis is still in love with him now. 
> 
> Thoughts?


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly new unoutlined material because I changed my mind about some of the storyline. It's definitely more, unexpected? but hopefully in a good way?? I don't know, it felt natural to me. I've gone off my outline so many times now it's ridiculous, but I hope you enjoy.

**October 20th 2017**

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” said Niall gently.

Louis opened his eyes, breathing harshly. He swallowed roughly, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. He felt floaty and out of control, like he was going to fall into pieces if he made any sudden movements. “No,” he managed to croak out a few moments later. “I have to do this.”

He turned to meet Niall’s concerned gaze, “You don’t have to do it like this- stressed and panicky. Don’t rush yourself mate.”

Louis shook his head, “I can’t-”

“Nothing is going to happen,” said Niall firmly. “If you can’t drive yourself, it doesn’t matter. You have people who are more than willing to do it for you.” He smiles hesitantly, “The Louis charm.” 

Louis huffed a shaky laugh, before biting his lip. “I just hate not being able to do it. Driving- it’s like a basic skill and I can’t- If Harry hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t have been able to make it to the hospital,” he admitted haltingly. 

Niall reached over to place a hand on his shoulder. “Hey. That’s not true, if worse came to worse you could’ve called a cab or taken public transit. Lou, it’s okay if you can’t drive yet. You shouldn’t have to rush it.”

Louis took a deep breath, “I atleast want to try.”

Niall nodded, leaning back, “Then I’m here for you.”

Louis shot him a grateful smile. He was glad that when he confessed his fear of driving to Niall that the man immediately offered to help. Louis still hadn’t told Zayn (was still afraid to) and he knew Niall would be discreet. He hadn’t told him the full story of course- no one but Zayn and James knew the full story and Louis wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to tell it all. That was a different struggle though. 

Right now he just had to gather the courage to turn on the car. He took another deep breath. _ You got this. It’s a car. You’ve done this before. _

He slowly reached for the ignition where he had already inserted a key and turned it, refusing to flinch when the telltale sounds of the car getting started rang out. Another deep breath. He gripped the steering wheel tightly with two hands and positioned his foot. Niall was staying quiet for now which he greatly appreciated. Biting his lip, he pressed down on the gas pedal, wincing as the car shot forward quicker than he expected. His heart seized in his chest and he felt panic clawing its way up his throat. He slammed the brake pedal, bringing them to an abrupt and rough halt. Heart pounding, Louis carefully unclenched his fingers from the wheel, leaning back from where he had been tensely hunched over the wheel. “I can’t do this,” he said, defeated and maybe a little disgruntled. 

“It’s been a minute Lou,” said Niall. “C’mon mate, you’re doing great. If you want to keep going, we can, but we can also go back to your flat for a break and play Fifa.” He waggled his eyebrows and Louis huffed a laugh, somewhat relaxing. 

He considered it before ultimately blurting, “Let’s take a break.”

“Cheers,” said Niall, unbuckling and slipping out of the car. Louis sighed heavily before getting out himself. They switched spots and Louis slumped sulkily against the passenger seat door. Niall drove back to the flat which was only a couple of minutes away as they had decided to practice in an empty parking lot nearby. Louis tried not to feel too stupid. He knew Niall was right- that he couldn’t rush himself, but he couldn’t help but feel like he should be able to do this. It was driving for god’s sake, not rocket science. Louis had stopped self-harming, stopped beating down on himself (for the most part), had improved his eating habits, had finally been sleeping better, had been consuming alcohol and smoking in controlled amounts, but this. This was the only thing left. It felt kind of horrible to think about it that manner- like his struggles were merely bullet points in his checklist to returning to “normal”. It was unhealthy too and Louis was sure James would have a few things to say about it. 

But he couldn’t help it. 

_ It’s okay _ he told himself. _ Next time, I can try again next time. _

Louis and Niall trudged upstairs, content just basking in the easy silence. Louis was glad Niall wasn’t pushing him to speak or demanding an explanation for his obvious aversion to a task that while he never enjoyed, he hadn’t ever struggled with the actual ability either. Louis stopped short once they arrived at his door, mouth agape in disbelief. 

There’s a plentiful bouquet of _ flowers _ placed right beside the door. And not just any flowers, _ sunflowers. _Bright, healthy, and radiant yellow beauties. Something in Louis quivers. Niall frowned, “What the…”

He reached for the tag, tilting it to Louis who gasp quietly when the name on the tag is revealed to be his own. _ To Louis. _

Heart pounding, he gently grasped the stem of a single flower before raising his hand to gently run his fingers over the soft yellow petals. Sunflowers. 

“Who’s it from?” asked Niall even though Louis knew that Niall could definitely recognize the handwriting on the tag just as well as Louis could. 

“Harry,” he said anyway, voice thick. 

“Wanna take it inside?” asked Niall, hands already reaching out to hoist the arrangement up. Louis nodded, fumbling with his keys and pushing the door open just in time for Niall to walk in, the bouquet precariously balanced in his arms. He traipsed onwards to the kitchen before gently setting the flowers on the table. “There’s a letter here, I just noticed.”

Curious, Louis approached Niall and took the envelope he was offered. It was addressed to him with an endearing doodle of a sunflower as the dot for the i. His heart stuttered and he suddenly felt very vulnerable. Like he was a teenager receiving a note from a boy he’s crushing on. 

On second thought, it was sort of exactly that. 

“Want me to go set up Fifa?” asked Niall, raising an eyebrow. Louis nods slowly, grateful that Niall understood he wanted some privacy to read this. Niall lopes off to the living room to get started and Louis collapsed into the nearest chair, exhaling shakily. He stared at the envelop some more before groaning and murmuring _ It’s a letter, not a bomb, Tomlinson. _

He opened it quickly, albeit gently. His fingers trembled as he pulled out the thing sheet of paper. Another deep breath and a brief glance at the gorgeous flowers and Louis began reading. 

**Dear Louis, **

**There is so much I want to say to you, a lot of which I must wait to tell you in person, no matter how impatient I become. I’m writing this letter as a proper beginning of much more to come. I also want to preface this with another apology. I am so sorry for everything: not treating you like you deserved, being oblivious to how much I was ignoring you, ignoring you for the first place, bringing Malcolm into our lives, letting Malcolm drive you out of my life- well, that last one I cannot fully blame on that bastard though I wish I could. However, I must take responsibility where it is due. I am to fault for how our relationship ended. **

**I know you said it’s both our faults and I agree with it to some extent (I accept your apology with no qualms by the way), I think we both know who’s more to blame. And I regret all of it so much, you must understand that. I promise I fully understand where I was in the wrong and I promise none of it will ever happen again- to you and to anyone else I may unintentionally hurt like I hurt you. **

**I was seduced by the glitz and glam that came with my childhood finally coming true and I let it overwhelm me to the point where I started choosing it over you, even though all it's ever brought me is regret and pain. It was a big mistake from the beginning. Agreeing for James to be my agent was a big mistake, agreeing to private our relationship without talking to you was a big mistake, ignoring you because I didn't know how to handle the growing distance between us was the biggest mistake. I'm so sorry. **

**I must also apologize for another wrong that has been brought to my attention. Zayn came to talk to me, I don’t know if he told you. He told me what happened that night you were supposed to meet us the first time in July at our party. I cannot tell you how devastated and guilty I feel. You did not deserve Malcolm’s completely false and jealousy-motivated slander and you definitely didn’t deserve my lack of refutation to his obvious lies. And I’m so sorry I didn’t say anything- I should have. I knew then it wasn’t true and I know now more than ever that it is not true. You didn’t deserve any of that and I’m sorry I was such a coward and never properly defended you. **

**I spent so long trying to convince myself that I hated you- because hating you was easier than admitting the truth. And the truth is that I don’t think I can ever love someone like I loved you. No one fits the description of my other half as much as you do and no one ever will. I first realized it about four years ago, but I am realizing it again today. It should have been obvious just from the fact that I haven’t dated someone since I dated you even though I tried (and failed every time) and it’s been close to three years now.**

**I know how I treated you was horrible and I completely understand if you will never forgive me, even enough to just be friends (though I’m not sure I could ever be a good friend to you now that I’m determined to do nothing but love you). **

Louis gasped. 

**I definitely do not deserve your forgiveness but I ask for it anyway because I’m selfish. I already told you of my feelings but I have to remind you once again. You are one of most incredible people I’ve ever met- one of the best people I’ve ever met. I was drawn to you from the very first time I saw you at Haven in February 2013 and even today, I am drawn to you inexplicably and irrevocably. The depth of feelings I have for you is indescribable. And even though I say that, I still tried to describe it. Which is why I’m asking you personally to come to my gig on November 8th for my album release. It’s at Sandy’s and if you ask Niall, he can send you the address. Or I can send it to you. If you want. **

**Please don’t feel pressured to come, but I will be honest in saying that I desperately want you there. I promise you won’t regret it. **

**Also, please don’t feel distressed by this letter or any of the content. I swear I never intend for you to be bothered by anything I’m saying but if you are uncomfortable with my advancements, I promise you I will stop immediately. Just tell me and I’ll leave you alone (I’ll hate it but I’ll do it for you- I would do a lot for you even if I despised it and I find that I’m okay with it). **

Louis looked up from the letter to take a breath, heart hammering so loud in his chest, it felt as if Niall would be able to hear it somehow from the other room. 

**Also, in full disclosure, I actually talked to Lottie on the phone yesterday. Not going to lie, we mostly talked about you- a topic we’re both fond of. She yelled at me for a bit (fair enough), with a good dash of threatening, but she also told me to be honest with you so that is what this is. This is me, Harry Edward Styles, writing a completely, 100% honest letter to you, Louis, the love of my life. **

Louis stood up, jaw dropping. 

**Was that too honest? Maybe. Possibly. I’m sorry (but also not really). Don’t feel pressured to feel anything back for me, I know I betrayed you (I’m so so sorry baby)-. **

Swearing under his breath, Louis paused to rest his head on the table. He groaned. _ Baby. _How could Harry just call him that and expect for Louis to be alright? 

**-and the fact that you willingingly befriended me even after all of it just shows how kind you are. You are so kind. And I’m so sorry I didn’t make you as happy as you deserve. I keep saying you deserve so much but it’s because it’s true. No one deserves as much as you do. No one is as selfless and kind and witty and sweet and generous and fair and honest and lovely as you, Lou. You brighten the room, you’re so radiant. The embodiment of a sunflower, which has been my favorite flower since I met you. Letting you go without fighting harder was the stupidest thing I could have done. It’s quite easily the biggest mistake of my life (the only bigger one I can think of is letting you slip out of my fingers a second time). And I promise if you ever decide to let me, I will make up for it and prove to you that I am not the dumb, arrogant son of a bitch I once was. **

**This letter is way too embarrassing for me to read over so I won’t. This is my unfiltered thoughts all dedicated to you, but it is just a fraction of what I want to say to you. This is just for you to consider. If you want me to stop, I will. If you want me to leave you alone, I will (it hurts to write but I promise I’ll do it). If you want to wait, I will wait. I will wait forever if I have to. The fact that I’m even getting a second chance to do this is a miracle that I will never take for granted. If you decide to let me love you again, I’ll make it worth it. I promise. **

**(I promise, I promise, I promise). **

**Yours, **

**Harry**

**(Please come on the 8th). **

It took ten minutes for Louis to gather the strength and will to stand up and join Niall in the living room, but even then, his steps were halting and hesitant. Niall looked intrigued when he finally sat on the couch but he didn’t inquire- another reason for Louis to be grateful. He just switched on the TV and offered a controller to Louis who accepted it with quivering fingers. 

He took a deep breath and spent the next two hours pretending as if he were fine. 

Niall bid him farewell (off to work the night shift at the hospital) right as Zayn returned from his shift at Sally’s, however he left soon after for a date with Liam with a hug and a reminder to eat properly (which Louis rolled his eyes at but still listened to anyway). He breezed in and out so quickly, he didn't even notice Louis' bouquet (which saved Louis the awkward explanation).

Home alone, Louis grabbed some leftover pasta that Zayn made for dinner the day before and his phone before going to eat in his room, glancing once more at his beautiful gift. He never liked eating at the table by himself and he frowned unhappily as he was reminded this was only because he had been forced to do it far too much when Harry was always out late and then even more after they had broken up and Louis had been living alone for a period of time. 

The memory lowered his appetite substantially but he still ate every last bite because he didn’t want to revert to old habits. Before he could sink too far in the sadness pooling around him, he dialed Lottie, praying she’d be free to talk for a little bit. 

“Hey Lou,” said Lottie cheerfully. “What’s up?”

“Hey Lotts,” Louis said. "How's your leg?"

"Perfectly good," said Lottie. "The crutch is still just as annoying."

"And your head?" 

"Wise and intelligent as ever," joked Lottie. "But fine, stop your worrying."

"Never," swore Louis. "Um."

“What is it?” asked Lottie, seeing right through him.

“You talked to Harry?” he said cautiously, wincing at the desperation in his tone. He cleared his throat, “Okay, I’m not going to bullshit any longer. He sent me a letter.” He faltered, feeling a light blush form on his face and feeling lucky he’s alone, “A really _ sweet _letter and a whole bouquet of sunflowers and now I’m really confused.”

“Okay, first, I’m sorry I talked to him without talking to you first. I should’ve-”

“No, no, no!” interrupted Louis hurriedly. “I’m not mad at you for that in the slightest Lotts, you can talk to whoever you want even Harry, I don’t mind.”

“Well I still feel guilty anyway,” said Lottie. “Do you want to know what we talked about?”

Louis bit his lip, squeezing his eyes shut. Did he? Fuck, yeah he did. “Yes.”

“We talked about you,” said Lottie and well, Louis knew that already. The butterflies in his stomach were awake and soaring. He rubbed his eyes tiredly. “More importantly if I would be okay with Harry trying to date you… and whether you’d be okay with it.”

Louis sucked in a breath, “And?”

“And… that’s all I’m going to tell you,” said Lottie. 

“Wait, what, you just said-”

“On second thought, I just remembered I left-”

“Charlotte Elizabeth,” said Louis firmly. “What the fuck?”

“Okay sorry, but I really shouldn't tell you any more. I'm saving it for later. He asked you to come to something right?”

“Yes, but-”

“If I were you, I'd definitely listen, Louis. I have a feeling you won’t regret it.”

“But-”

“I know you’re doubtful but trust me, you’ll want to be there. And also, for the record I am completely 100% okay with you and Harry dating again.”

The last comment threw him off balance, distracting him from continuing his interrogation for whatever she and Harry talked about, “What?”

“I mean, only if you want to,” added Lottie. “Oh for fuck’s sake, I know you want to.”

Louis’ blush deepened. “But just because I want to doesn’t mean I should.”

He heard his sister sigh, before she continued gently, “Louis, you can’t keep yourself from being happy again. You did it the first time when you broke up with him- you knew you wouldn’t be happy but you wanted Harry to be happy so you did it anyway but turns out he was happier with you and _ only _ you. And if you’re happier together then you shouldn’t let that go again. You deserve to be happy.”

Louis exhaled. 

“If it makes a difference, I’m pretty confident this time around’s going to be a lot better,” said Lottie. “Harry's changed. You’ve changed. You’ve both matured and your relationship now will be more mature than your relationship then. The only thing that won’t change is how good you guys are together- how happy you’ll be together again.” 

Louis didn’t say anything, just breathed into the phone, closing his eyes. Lottie was right. Despite everything, Harry still made him happy. And he still loved him so much. Turning him down would just hurt both of them. 

“Okay, I think I feel a lot better now,” admitted Louis. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, love,” said Louis, itching his knee absently. “Why don't you go do that thing you forgot to do and call me tomorrow yeah?” 

He could practically see Lottie rolling her eyes, “Cheeky shit, love you the most.”

“Impossible, I love _ you _the most,” said Louis, eyebrows furrowing. “And the girls, give them kisses from me. I’ll see you lovies soon.”

“This weekend, yeah?”

“You wouldn’t be able to keep me away,” promised Louis. 

“Why would we ever do that? You’ll have to claw your way out,” threatened Lottie. “Sleep well Lou.”

“You too darling,” said Louis, smiling softly. 

Lottie hung up and Louis didn’t give himself a second to stall before swiping to imessage and scrolling down to his last message to Harry. Deep breath. Was he doing this? Yes, he was. 

His sister was right. He deserved to be happy. He deserved to find love. He typed out a message.

**I got your flowers, thank you. **

And then:

**Also, I’ve made a decision. **

Sent. 

Fuck. 

He got up to pace the room, unable to sit still for even a second. He felt strung up, out of control. Like his whole body was shaking. 

His phone lit up with a notification and he nearly throws himself onto the bed in his haste to read it. 

Harry replied already. He sent a prayer to the god(s) above and opened it with trembling hands, refusing to read it until he’s actually on the app. 

** _You’re welcome for the flowers, they reminded me of you. _ **

** _Also, what? _ **

The seemingly permanent flush on his face once again strengthened. For fuck’s sake, did someone put Harry on earth for the sole purpose of making Louis blush because _ honestly _, this was ridiculous. He typed out his response, cursing as he kept making mistakes. He settled for getting straight to the point. 

**I want us to try again. **

Sent. He took a second to scream into his pillow. 

And then, because he’s a sucker for pain (maybe too soon for that joke), he opened to watch for Harry’s reply. The three dots were present and foreboding as always (whoever invented the three dots, fuck you). 

Louis watched as they paused, then disappeared, before reappearing again… only to disappear. Slight disappointment overcame him but then a call came in from _ Harry. _Louis nearly dropped his phone in his desperation to answer it. 

“Hello?” he blurted out. 

“Hey Louis,” said Harry, voice deep and eager. “What exactly do you mean by wanting us to try again?”

Despite the gravity of the situation and the inescapable knowledge that he was about to make a decision that severely changed his life, he couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “Honestly Harold what do you think it means?” 

Harry made a sound before urgently saying, “It sounds like you’re saying you’re open to trying to be in a relationship. With me. Again.”

“Correct,” said Louis, swallowing roughly. The adrenaline he had accumulated over the past ten minutes had pretty much vanished and along with it Louis’ calm. 

Harry made a noise, “You’re not playing me right, Lou? Because if you’re playing me right now, I’m telling you right now, stop. I'm too fragile for-”

“I’m not Harry, I swear,” said Louis, embarrassingly breathless. “I want us to have a second chance.” He paused, eyes closing in preparation for his next comment. “I want you,” he whispered. 

“Fuck, I want you too,” said Harry, sounding a mixture of breathless, amazed, and so relieved. The words send a wave of his own relief down his body. “Louis, I- No, shit, wait. I can’t- Ugh, you weren’t supposed to call me now.”

Louis bit his lip, “Are you changing your mind?”

“No! Fuck no! Never, never ever babe, never again,” said Harry seriously. “Not in a million years, never. Never.”

Louis smiled despite himself, preening at the pet name, “I see.”

“But wait- why? I mean, I’m so glad but- you weren’t supposed to agree yet,” said Harry in disbelief. 

Louis fiddled with the edge of his duvet. “I realized I can’t keep myself from happiness again, like I did the first time,” he admitted. “I feel the same Harry, about us, about you. I've felt it forever and I can't keep pretending I don't. I haven’t- I haven’t looked for anyone else over the past two years, never even tried. I never _ wanted _ to get over you. It would be stupid for me to refuse you.”

Harry groaned, “I’m so sorry Louis, I shouldn’t have fucked up. We could’ve been together for all this time-”

“Harry, I forgive you,” said Louis firmly. 

“You do?”

“Yes,” said Louis. “I forgave you a long time ago. And I’m sorry for giving up on us.”

“You didn’t,” said Harry assuringly. “You did the right thing- I deserved to have you leave me.”

“You didn’t,” repeated Louis. “Neither of us deserved it. I’m sorry even if you don’t think I should be. I’m sorry I didn’t try to listen to you.”

“I’m sorry I drove you away and made you feel like you couldn’t listen to me,” said Harry sadly. 

“I’m sorry I blocked you,” said Louis sheepishly. 

“Yeah, that wasn’t very nice,” agreed Harry but he sounded like he was smiling. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

“Neither can I Haz,” said Louis shyly. “I think we can get it right this time.”

“I promise I’ll do everything I can to make sure it goes right,” said Harry seriously. “I can’t believe- this wasn’t supposed to happen now, you didn’t even hear my album yet?”

“What about your album?” asked Louis, curious. 

“Well… I mean, you know.”

Louis raised an eyebrow, “I do?”

“Yes… Louis you can’t possibly _ not _know by now,” said Harry in disbelief. 

“Not know what?” Louis questioned, utterly bewildered. 

“Well you know I write from experience including, um, breakups. And I write a lot about how I feel… and who I’m feeling it for,” he said cautiously. The realization dawned on him and he felt a peculiar shiver run down him. 

“Oh,” he said eloquently. 

“Yeah,” agreed Harry. He hesitated, “Does that make you uncomfortable?”

“No… I mean, not really. I’m kind of excited now though,” said Louis bashfully. Harry just admitted to writing about him. Songs. On his album. 

Shit, they were _ on _his album. 

“There’s not… There’s nothing, like, _ bad _about me, is there?” he asked quietly. 

“Oh god, of course not,” assured Harry. “It’s a lot of me being heartbroken and pining but nothing bad about you specifically, just that it hurt me because, well it did.”

“That’s okay, that’s- fair,” said Louis, nodding even though no one could see him. He felt much better. He paused, “Wait a second, was this some sort of plot to serenade me or some shit?”

Harry didn’t answer, confirming Louis’ suspicions. 

“Oh my god,” said Louis, in awe. 

“You’re not mad, are you?”

“Of course not you stupid idiot,” said Louis, grinning. “Why would I be mad that someone wanted to sing about me and how great I am!?” 

He meant the last part as a joke but Harry chuckled and replied easily, “You are great. The world should know.” Louis’ heart was warmed by this conversation. He had a stupid grin pasted on his face, so wide it almost hurt. And he felt so shy and awkward but in a nice way, like in a I’m-finally-talking-to-my-crush-who-likes-me-back way, except Harry isn’t his crush. It’s too simple a term to express what Harry is to him: the man he’s loved for four years and hopefully many more to come. He couldn’t believe he could even think that now- that this was actually happening. 

“I guess I ruined your plan,” said Louis much too giddily to sound genuine. 

Harry snorted, “Maybe a little. But I’m definitely not mad about it.”

Louis turned to press his grin into his pillow. 

“I actually, uh, had a whole meeting with Zayn, Niall, Gemma, and Lottie about it,” revealed Harry. Louis gasped out loud. “Yeah, they’re all trying to help me get my shit together, and I guess it worked.”

“It did,” confirmed Louis, feeling very grateful to the four of them. “Lottie too? That sneaky bastard!”

Harry laughed, “Gemma brought her along and I was so surprised- I’m just relieved she didn’t beat me up.”

“She probably could,” said Louis. Even though Harry was strong and muscular and boxed frequently- Lottie was determined and intelligent and she didn't let anyone get away with hurting those she cared about (Louis thought back to when Fizzy's first boyfriend cheated on her and Lottie broke his nose- fun times).

“Oh, I know,” said Harry and Louis could hear the smile in his lovely deep drawl. “Quite the formidable young woman she’s become.”

“Definitely,” said Louis fondly, smiling because Lottie had become such a bright, intelligent, and brave businesswoman and sister. He was so proud of her. 

“I bet she learned it from you,” said Harry sincerely and Louis’ grin widened that much more. 

“I talked to her just half an hour ago,” he said. “She’s the one who told me I couldn’t keep myself from happiness again and that’s what made me decide- well that, and your letter.”

Harry groaned, “My letter.”

“It was sweet!” exclaimed Louis, eyebrows raising in emphasis. “Harry, oh my god, I felt like you were trying to kill me with what you wrote.” 

“Not kill you, more like charm you into giving me another chance.”

“It worked,” said Louis obligingly. 

“Yeah it did,” said Harry smugly. 

“No need to get cocky,” said Louis, scoffing. “Thank you again for the flowers. I love them.” 

“Pretty flowers for a pretty boy.”

And there was the blush again, “Haz, _ stop_.” 

“I know you're blushing,” said Harry, fondly. “I wish I was there to actually see it, you look so lovely in pink.”

Pink that was quickly turning to red, “You’re the worst.”

“You’re the best,” countered Harry. “I’m so happy Louis, thank you.”

“Thank _ you_,” retaliated Louis. “And thank you to Zayn, Niall, Gemma, and Lottie.”

“And Liam and my mum,” said Harry, sounding begrudging. 

“Anne?”

“Yeah she told me if I let you go again, she’d disown me so I figured I should probably listen,” said Harry happily. 

“Thank you Anne,” sang Louis. 

“She misses you a ton by the way,” said Harry softly. 

“I miss her too,” said Louis, biting his lip. He missed her tight hugs, warm smiles, and her endless patience and kindness. 

“She’ll be there too on the 8th,” said Harry. “And she already told me she wants to talk to you.”

“I can’t wait,” said Louis honestly. He was just a little desperate for maternal comfort and Anne had always been like a second mother to him, and even better- she had been a friend to his own mother. That made all the difference. 

Louis narrowed his eyes, “So are you going to ask me out again Styles?”

Harry chuckled, “Definitely. But not yet.”

Louis pouted, “Why?”

“Because I meant it when I said I had something planned for the 8th. I desperately want you Louis, but I also need you to hear all I have to say first.”

“So the 8th?”

“Yes,” said Harry. “Nineteen days and then nothing will be able to keep me from you.”

“What about Halloween? Aren’t you coming to Barbara’s party?”

“Nope,” said Harry. “I’m going to Gemma’s boyfriend’s party in Manchester and I’m staying till the 3rd. I’ll miss you the entire time.”

Louis pouted again, “I’m going to Donny on the 23rd for a week. Can I see you before then or am I supposed to just wait two and a half weeks?”

Harry groaned, “Believe me this is not how I want it to go. But maybe it’ll be good? Keep up the suspense.”

Louis sighed, “Whatever you say.”

“Thanks, babe.”

“You can’t call me that if we haven’t gone on a date yet,” said Louis sassily. 

Harry chuckled, “Okay, okay.” 

“Have fun at Gemma’s,” said Louis after a moment. 

“Have fun with the girls,” said Harry. “And the youngest too?”

“Yeah, them too,” said Louis. “I don’t like this.”

“Neither do I,” said Harry. “But this is good. I didn’t expect you to just forgive me like that, not that I’m complaining. There’s so much I still have up my sleeve and you’re going to get it all whether you like it or not. I’ll feel better if you properly decide after the show, even if you’re already sure. I want you to prove my devotion 100%.” 

Louis’ heart fluttered. He bit his finger, “Play hard to get?”

“Something like that.” 

“In that case, I better hang up,” said Louis wickedly. “I only take potential suitors’ calls until-” He glanced at the time. “10 o’clock.” 

“My apologies kind sir,” said Harry. A pause, then softer, “Goodnight Lou.”

“Goodnight Haz,” he murmured back just as softly. 

“Nineteen days,” reminded Harry. 

“I’ll be there,” he promised. 

He hung up and sprawled out onto his bed, feeling very excited and happy albeit a little nervous too. Understandably so. He was sure he made the right decision though- his heart was soaring and he felt satisfied for the first time in years. He had the chance to be with the one he loved for all this time- to love and be loved by him and to one day maybe start a family with him. It was too soon to speculate too wildly but Louis was so overcome with hope and relief that he felt he deserved a free pass for this one night. 

He grinned while brushing his teeth and changing into his pajamas and washing his face and snuggling into his bed and hugging a free pillow to his chest, wondering if one day in the near future that pillow would be a real person and he’d be held as he fell asleep, warm and content. Afterall, Louis really wasn’t the biggest fan of sleeping alone. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Chapter 28, the iconic number, so I figured it was the perfect chapter for our two main characters to get together. Hope you enjoyed?? Next chapter is a big one!


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this chapter makes you grin as much as it made me :)

**November 8th 2017**

“Harry, if you take another step I might just throttle you,” threatened Gemma from where she was casually draped over a settee, a glass of champagne in her hand. 

Harry stilled, turning to his sister with a sigh. “I’m just nervous,” he admitted. His eyes narrowed, “Where’d you even get that drink- they’re not supposed to be out until later.”

“I have my ways,” said Gemma ominously accompanied by a dismissive hand wave. She looked like a vision in her sharp black pantsuit and cream white blouse. She also looked like the complete polar opposite of Harry: put together. “Now calm down, Jesus Christ.”

Harry sighed again but begrudgingly listened. He felt amped up, like electricity was running through his veins and he needed to channel it unless he’d implode. “I’m just excited.”

Gemma raised an eyebrow, “And for which one: performing your album, or seeing Louis?” 

Harry blushed, ducking his head as his thoughts inevitably latched onto blue eyes and a lilting and soft _ I’ll be there. _“Can’t I be equally excited for both?”

“Mmm, no,” said Gemma contemptuously. “I get it, H.”

“I don’t think you do- you have no idea how out of my mind I feel,” said Harry, eyes wide and feeling a little crazy. 

“Believe me, I can tell,” said Gemma, looking him up and down. Harry sighed because he knew he looked frazzled and distressed and he had about an hour before everyone would be here and he’d be getting ready to go out onto stage. He had finished soundcheck just five minutes ago, hugging his band members and teasing Sarah and Mitch good naturedly about their blooming relationship (Harry would be damned if he didn’t brag to everyone at the wedding that he had been the saint who set them up together). Donna had kissed his cheek and bid him farewell until the show. He had talked to the manager… It was all set.

Because it was officially November 8th. 

His album has been out officially for 17 hours and counting. 

And it had officially been 19 days which meant he was seeing Louis tonight. 

He felt jittery and utterly sick with anticipation. It wasn’t like he had had no contact with the other man over the past two and a half weeks- they hadn’t seen each other physically but they’d definitely been texting. 

Harry was blessed with witty commentary describing Louis’ time visiting his siblings in Doncaster. Apparently lots of stuff was happening including Fizzy breaking up with her boyfriend, Phoebe trying out for her school play (“She’s taking after me,” Louis had announced smugly), Daisy’s friend drama, Lottie being Lottie, and the littlest kids being adorable as always. It was nice to see Louis so happy when he was surrounded by his family. One of the things Harry always admired about him was his devotion and genuine love and affection for his siblings. It made Harry think about having kids… not that he’d ever admit that especially since things were so delicate. 

Back in London, Harry had been doing last minute promo and sessions for his album- warding off Louis’ pleads for hints about the songs: “You have to waiiiiittt.” After Louis returned from Doncaster, Harry immediately left to Gemma’s, narrating his drive (“I saw a guy who looked a lot like David Beckham pass me on the freeway.” “Really? David Beckham was my gay awakening y’know…” “... I now regret telling you this.” “Jealous, Harold?” “Maybe.”)

He then kept him up to date with Gemma’s Halloween party and Louis did the same for Barbara’s party. Niall posted a group picture which showcased Zayn and Liam’s batman/superman couples costumes, Niall and Barbara’s classy albeit cliche Men in Black matching suits (which was accompanied by an unwanted and not-needed description from Niall about how “sexy” his girlfriend looked in a suit), and of course _ Louis. _He dressed up as Peter Pan, a classic, and Harry would be lying if he said he didn’t appreciate how good Louis looked in tights (the skintight fabric enhanced his lovely curves and maybe left Harry a little flustered back at Gemma’s in his Elton John costume). 

And Louis even called Harry on the 4th, only four days ago, after receiving a _ special _ gift Harry sent him...

{“Harry,” said Louis solemnly. “What the fuck?”

“Hey love,” said Harry, grinning like a fool as he clutched his phone to his ear. He had immediately ducked into an empty storage closet at the studio to have some semblance of privacy though he knew Donna had catalogued the way his face had lit up upon seeing the caller name and he knew he’d be interrogated by the nosy woman one way or another so really it was just a matter of stalling at this point. “I see you got my gift.”

“Harry, these are tickets,” stated Louis, sounding frustrated. “To Catfish and the Bottlemen. I repeat, what the fuck!?

“You like them?” said Harry, feeling his mouth strain from how wide his grin was. 

“ ‘Like’ is an understatement,” squawked Louis. “But- You can’t just give me concert tickets to one of my favorite bands, Harry!

“Why not?” asked Harry innocently. 

“Because, you idiot,” said Louis exasperatedly. “These tickets were expensive and we’re not even dating-”

“_ Yet _,” said Harry, a little breathless in his complete and utter happiness to be able to say that. 

“Yet,” echoed Louis, sounding a little dazed. His voice returned to its frustrated tone: “How much did these cost?” he demanded. 

“A price that was entirely worth it just to see you happy,” said Harry honestly. Upon hearing Louis’ huff, he added, “I got them on discount if it makes you feel any better- I know a guy. 

“Harry, I… Thank you,” he said softly, meaningfully. “Really, thank you.” 

“Of course Lou,” said Harry fondly. “But I’m not going to sit here and pretend I was being entirely selfless- I did give you two tickets after all.” He bit his lip. 

“Oh, I see,” said Louis coyly. “Are you asking me on a date Harold?” 

Harry furrowed his eyebrows, “Hey, wait, no! I’m not asking you out yet, you trickster. Don’t get greedy.” He could practically see Louis’ pout. “I’m just saying there’s two tickets so if you want to take Zayn or Niall or Lottie or, you know… if you happen to be dating some lucky guy in mid-January…” He let his voice trail off. 

Louis sounded endeared when he said, “I’ll keep that in mind.” He paused before continuing quietly. “I haven’t been to a proper gig in ages, it’d be nice to go see a killer set with a guy who really likes me.”

Harry closed his eyes, a smile still glued onto his face. “ ‘Like’ is an understatement,” he parroted.}

But even though they had been in contact over the past nineteen days, Harry still hadn’t _ seen _Louis in person. In fact, he hadn’t seen Louis since that unfortunate day at the hospital. And it was horrible. But thankfully, that long wait would be over tonight. 

Gemma studied him seriously before holding out the bottle of champagne, “Drink.” 

Harry didn’t have to be told twice. He poured himself a glass and took a large swig, sighing as he swallowed the burning liquid. “This is going to go well, right?” he said. 

“It will H, now sit down and calm down for god’s sake,” said Gemma shaking her head. “Mum’s going to be here in less than five minutes so hold your inevitable breakdown until she’s here to coddle you because I am _ not _catching you if you faint.”

Harry scoffed, “So much for blood relation huh?”

Gemma rolled her eyes, “Doesn’t change the fact that if you faint, you’re probably going to get a concussion too because I’m not moving an inch.”

“Cruel woman.”

“Don’t I know it,” said Gemma, smirking. “But seriously Harry, chill out.”

Harry sighed, “Easier said than done dear sister.”

“Okay, how about you listen to me rant about my coworkers until your hands stop shaking?” suggested Gemma. 

Harry raised an eyebrow. 

“What? Those bitches have gone too far this time,” said Gemma, suddenly looking very pissed off. 

“Maybe I’ll get Niall and you guys can have a field day throwing a fit over the Ben Bannards and Shannah Mays of the workplace,” said Harry dryly. 

Gemma made an indignant noise, “God, I can’t stand Shannon.” 

“I know,” said Harry woefully, but Gemma ignored him, launching into an anecdote of how Shannon messed with Gemma’s office chair and how it had to have been her because no one else would have the nerve to dare mess with Gemma and her workspace. Harry just leaned back and closed his eyes, humming occasionally to show he was listening and letting the fierce and choppy cadence of his sister’s voice lull him into a peaceful state. 

-

“Damn Lou, you look hot,” said Niall appreciatively. 

Louis blushed, fidgeting with the end of his sweater and masking his embarrassment with a raise of his eyebrow, “Don’t let Barb hear you say that.”

Niall rolled his eyes. “She’d say the same if she were here, trust me. We can both appreciate attractiveness and remain stable in our relationship Tommo," he lectured, feigning annoyance.

“I’m glad to hear it,” said Louis, grinning. He turned his gaze to the front of Sandy’s. It was a really well known local club known best for its entertainment, and had a potential capacity up to 400 which was completely filled for Harry’s event. 

His throat felt dry. 

A moment later, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Zayn. “You found a spot?” he asked, hoping to distract Zayn. 

“Yeah, about a block down so we’ll have to walk later but it’s not too bad,” said Zayn. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” said Louis. He was fine. Zayn gave him a look like he didn’t believe him. He didn’t know all the details, but he knew Louis and Harry talked and have come to an agreement. However, he didn’t know much else. “I’m nervous… but excited.” So excited. 

His brain was thrumming with a steady mantra of _ HarryHarryHarryHarry. _

Harry who was inside. Harry who was going to perform his debut album. Harry who’d be singing songs that may or may not be about… him. 

The album was out already: self-titled, Harry Styles. Louis was so proud of him and he already knew it was absolutely incredible- however he hadn’t listened to it yet. Harry made him promise he’d wait for the show to hear it all and he would abide by that promise. He can’t say he was too upset however, to experience the music for the first time from Harry’s calming deep voice in the flesh. 

“Okay,” said Zayn cautiously. “Let’s go.”

“Let’s,” echoed Louis nervously. He tugged on his friendship bracelet, eyes seeking out the matching one on Zayn’s own wrist. _ This is going to be good. _

He believed it but it didn’t quell his anxiety. 

He stepped into the club, taking in the classy atmosphere and the babble of different noises that assaulted his senses. The show officially started in fifteen minutes but already a decent amount of the crowd had arrived and were roaming the floor. Louis was relieved there was a VIP section reserved for friends and family of the singer. He followed Niall and Zayn there and immediately relaxed upon seeing the familiar faces of Liam, Barbara, and… Lottie?”

“What’re you doing here?” he blurted. 

Lottie scoffed at him, “Heartwarming welcome, really. Love you too Louis.” 

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly, pulling his younger sister into a hug. The cut on her forehead had faded to a dark scar and Louis couldn’t help his wince as he took it in. Lottie gave him a sympathetic look and he forced a smile. “I’m happy as long as you’re okay,” he assured. 

Lottie nodded, “Harry invited me by the way, and I told him not to tell you because I wanted to surprise you.” 

“You didn’t drive yourself, did you?” he asked, unable to help his grimace. 

Lottie rolled her eyes, “For your information, _ no _I did not. Gemma picked me up. And I’m staying with her too, so you don’t have to worry about making space in your flat.” 

“You make it sound like it’d be such a hassle,” complained Louis, affronted. “I love when you stay with me.”

“Yeah, yeah,” said Lottie. “Now c’mon, Gemma’s this way.”

Louis dutifully followed, glancing once at the empty stage. A microphone stand had already been set up dead center and Louis could almost picture Harry with his hands wrapped around it, eyes shut, and crooning into the mic. Anticipation thrummed through his veins. 

“Louis!” exclaimed Gemma, dressed impeccably and holding a glass of champagne. He grinned, embracing her easily. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she said honestly. “And I’m so sorry my brother is an absolute _ twat _!”

Louis laughed startledly. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Lottie tackling Zayn into a hug and smiled. Gemma eyed him appraisingly,“You look great Louis, Harry’s going to fuck up his lyrics when he sees you, I just know it.”

He fidgeted with his sweater again, shyly ducking his gaze to the lavendar fabric. He realized belatedly that Gemma must recognize this jumper- it having once been one of Harry’s favorites before Louis stole it for himself. When he raised his gaze back to her face, cheeks pink, the smirk on her red lips only confirmed it. “Nice jumper,” she said slyly. 

“Shut up,” he mumbled, blushing. 

Gemma just shook her head, “Hey, my mum’s here… She wants to talk to you if that’s okay.” 

Anne. His heart stuttered. “Yeah, yes, definitely,” he rushed out. He would love to talk to Anne. However, he still felt shy as Gemma beckoned him over to where Michal, Gemma’s boyfriend, was chatting with a familiar dark haired woman. 

He hadn’t seen Anne in so long, and the last Anne had probably heard of him was an account of her heartbroken son of how Louis dumped him with no explanation. That was not exactly a nice last impression. He didn’t get too much time to worry because Gemma immediately cleared her throat to alert the two of them to their presence and Anne’s gaze slowly slid over to them, eyes latching onto Louis and widening. His heart stumbled again and he clasped his hands behind his back with shaking fingers. “Hey Anne,” he said quietly. 

“Louis,” she said at last, and he nearly sunk to the floor with relief upon registering the warmth in her voice. She stood up and opened her arms out to him with no hesitation. Eyes suddenly feeling watery, he fell into them, basking in the maternal comfort he hadn’t felt in so long. His brain was yelling at him to calm down, telling him it was maybe not such a good idea to sob all over your ex-boyfriend’s mother whom you haven’t seen in ages. “Sweetheart,” said Anne and Louis couldn’t hold back his choked sob. He noticed Gemma and Michael wander off, giving the two of them their space. 

“I’m sorry,” he croaked out, moving to back away but Anne’s hold tightened on him, soothing and comforting. Just like his own mum’s. He swallowed a lump, focusing instead on the gentle circles she was rubbing into his back. “Sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize,” cooed Anne. She pulled back enough so they could look at each other face to face, her hands tight on his shoulders. “It’s so good to see you,” she said sincerely. 

“It’s good to see you too,” said Louis, wetly. He rubbed his eyes, laughing self-deprecatingly. “There goes the hour I spent getting ready.” But he didn’t really mind. Anne was looking at him like she used to- with love and affection and fondness and that was all he had ever wanted. 

“You look beautiful,” she promised. 

Louis studied her kind, green eyes, wide smile, and smooth hair, “So do you.”

Anne laughed, “Thank you darling.” 

He opened his mouth to ask her how she was, but then someone was at the mic, clearing his throat. Turning to the stage, he saw the manager of Sandy’s, waiting for attention. The rowdy crowd hushed after a few moments and Anne gestured Louis to take the seat beside her which he obliged happily. “Hey everyone,” started the man. “Thank you all on behalf of Sandy’s for coming here tonight. We’ve got a good show lined up for you all coming up in a few moments.” He paused right as a loud chorus of cheers and clapping followed his statement. Louis cheered too, smiling as he heard Niall’s distinct whoop from a few feet away. Overwhelming pride was surfacing inside him, pride for Harry and all he had achieved. 

“Just wanted to remind you that we’re serving drinks through the whole night and food after the show,” the man continued. “Also, the lovely album you’re about to hear is on sale up front, complete with signatures from the man himself.” Another pause for dramatic effect. The lights dimmed further and Louis exhaled. “Now without further ado, ladies and gentleman, may I present to you, Harry Styles!”

Clamoring, screaming, clapping, and hollering erupted even before the words were fully out. The manager slowly made his way off stage, cheers never once faltering as the lights dimmed even further until they could barely see onstage. 

He held his breath right as a spotlight switched on and _ Harry _appeared.

All the breath seemed to leave his body as he took in the man sauntering up to the mic stand accompanied by the soundtrack of people’s screams. He looked dashing in a fitted floral white suit, a galaxy-decorated guitar strapped over his chest. The shirt underneath was unbuttoned to show the hints of his two swallows. His hair was gelled back, with some dark curls curving enticingly over his forehead. His jawline was sharp, green eyes glittering as he scanned the crowd. Louis stopped breathing for a moment as Harry’s eyes wander over the VIP section, but he knew Harry probably couldn’t see them in this light. His fingers, adorned with many of his fantastic rings, gripped the mic as he drawled out to the crowd, “Good evening London.”

Cheers echoed his greeting but Louis couldn’t find it in him to make a sound. He bit his lip as his heart jumped traitorously. Harry was so fucking hot, Jesus Christ. He felt Anne squeeze his shoulder and he took a deep breath. Maybe he wasn’t quite as ready for this show as he claimed. The fact that Harry had only said three words and already he was reduced to a pile of melted goo only bolstered that revelation. He hadn’t even sung yet!

“I have an album that just came out this morning,” he said smiling, dimple gleaming in the hazy golden light. More cheers. “I’m excited to play it for you all today.” Louis had never really understood how much of a name Harry had made for himself in London. Niall had told him that sometimes people would stop him at the grocery store or randomly on the street to praise his music and maybe even ask for a photo, and a couple of days ago on the radio, Louis heard the host mention ‘London’s very own up-and-coming singer-songwriter Harry Styles’ right before playing his song Sign of the Times (which Louis hadn’t heard before but still turned off after the first ten seconds because he wanted to be completely surprised). 

However he did recognize the opening chords of the song as Harry grinned at the crowd. “This is a song called Sign of the Times, which I released in January and was blown away by the support I received- thank you all.” 

Louis sucked in a breath as the first soulful note left Harry’s mouth. 

_ Just stop your crying, it’s a sign of the times… _

Shit, shit, shit. Louis was not prepared for the loveliness of Harry’s voice. It was just as he remembered but _ better _, more experienced, more mature and crisp. 

_ Welcome to the final show, hope you’re wearing your best clothes… _

The rest of the song passed in a trance. Louis lost himself in the nuances and rasps of Harry’s voice, sinking into the lyrics and shuddering under the weight of the emotion and _ passion _Harry invoked. 

He lost awareness of everyone around him. It was like there was no one in the room but him, Harry singing, and the lights of a galaxy around them (really phone lights, but it didn’t feel like it). The rest of the album is just as incredible. Louis jammed out to Kiwi (a familiar song that Harry had written before he and Louis broke up and performed many times- the familiar way Harry lost his mind performing it was definitely a welcome sight) and shed tears during the emotional _Falling, _which Louis also considered it one of his favorites. 

_ What am I now? _

_ What if I’m someone you don’t want around? _

_ I’m falling again, I’m falling again, I’m falling. _

Louis knew this song was about him- and he wasn’t being conceited. It fit what Harry had told him. It fit _them_. His thoughts were only confirmed when Anne once again reached out to squeeze his shoulder. 

_ Cause I’m well aware I write too many songs about you... _

Louis had believed that to be the peak of his emotionalness for the night, but he was wrong because the first thrums of the guitar for the next song caught at his heartstrings and then Harry crooned, “Same lips red, same eyes blue.” 

Louis’ heart stopped. 

_ Same white shirt, couple more tattoos. _

_ But it’s not you and it’s not me. _

When the last line rang out into the crowd that had been rendered speechless ( _ I’m just trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat… _), Louis finally noticed the tears streaming down his face. His hands had been clasped, clenched so hard his skin had turned white. He exhaled shakily as claps and cheers filled the stillness. 

He stared at Harry who licked his lips, eyes concentrated at his feet. There was a tick in his jaw. It’d be proof he was affected by singing that song, if his glassy eyes didn’t give it away already. “Thank you, thank you,” he said bashfully as the cheering didn’t diminish. “This is the last song I wrote for the album actually, but it’s one of the most important.” Louis’ heart fluttered as Harry glanced pointedly at the VIP section, eyes searching out for someone. 

Searching for him. 

Harry had been giving little explanations about every song he performed so far but Louis knew this one was one he definitely had to listen to. “It’s about a relationship where things went wrong for whatever reason, and how they’ve grown and changed but their love hasn’t. Sometimes it isn’t enough… Sometimes it is.” The last part was said quieter and Louis almost shivered. 

Harry then continued to make idle chit chat, calling out to the people nearest him and asking them questions like, “What’s your favorite from the album?” It was at times like this where it was increasingly clear that Harry Styles was born for this- born to be a star, to make people feel things, to sing and perform and charm the hearts of many. Louis had known it in the beginning and he knew it now. He sauntered across the short stage, pointing to different (lucky) people and listening encouragingly for their answers. 

Someone yelled, “Sweet Creature!!”

Harry smiled, “Yes, that's the last song I have to perform for you today actually.” Louis blinked, taken aback. He hadn’t realized so much time had passed so quickly- it was almost over. He didn’t want it to be over. He also felt slightly giddy and warm: “Sweet Creature” sounded like it was going to be a softer, potentially _ romantic _song. 

Harry cleared his throat, “I actually picked this song specifically to play last.” He paused to shoot a cheeky grin to the audience, “In case you missed that I wasn’t performing in track order.”

He pointed to a random girl, “Did you notice?”

The girl nodded eagerly, batting her eyelashes like her life depended on it. Louis couldn’t even be mad- Harry looked fucking sinful standing up on stage, and while that wasn’t an invitation by any means, Louis couldn’t fault these girls for appreciating Harry’s obvious beauty. That would make him a hypocrite after all. 

Harry narrowed his eyes at her, “Did you? Have you listened to the entire album?” 

She nodded again, cupping her mouth to yell, “Yes!” 

“Okay, I believe you,” said Harry, still squinting his eyes at her. He then grinned again, leaning into the mic. “As I was saying, this is a very special song to me. In case you haven’t noticed, there’s been, uh, a common theme for most of the songs I’ve sung…” He waited for a second before continuing slowly, “I have never been secretive about my tendencies to write from experience. This song… This song is sort of a soulmate song. It sounds cheesy but you know what I mean- it’s about that one person, that one person who’s irrevocably _ yours _ . They’re your missing half, your _ person.” _He cleared his throat. “I met my person when I was still a teenager.”

Louis stilled, breaths sounding harsh against the sudden silence that fell over the crowd. He pulled the sleeves of Harry’s sweater over his hands and squeezed. 

“They always say, ‘you know when you know’ for finding the 'one' and with this person, I _knew_. So I wrote this song for them, one of the first ever songs I wrote- but I didn’t get it right so I sort of put it away for a while,” said Harry ruefully, chuckling a little bit. Louis wet his lips, swallowing roughly. He felt on edge, like something big was about to happen. “Except this person… Well, we broke up. I won’t get into those details- I was heartbroken, that’s all you need to know, and probably already know if you’ve been listening tonight. I swore to never look at that song again… However…”

He turned his gaze to the VIP section and Louis’ throat dried up. Harry’s gaze was intense as it scanned the area for something- _ someone _. 

Him. 

Louis nearly gasped when Harry’s eyes met his. It was dark in the club- there’s no way Harry could’ve been able to see him but he did. He didn’t break his eye contact as he continued once again, “Things changed when this person was thrown back into my life. I realized that despite everything- despite the time and the distance and how our relationship had ended- how it ended because of _how_ I treated him.” He said the last part roughly, _ ashamed _. “Despite all that,” he persisted. “This person is still my person. You only get one after all.”

Tears formed in his eyes and he pressed a hand to his mouth. So much for being done with being emotional for the night, for fuck’s sake. 

“So this song is for him, he knows who he is,” said Harry softly, the crisp ‘he’ ringing out into the silent audience. “I hope he’ll let us try again.” And that- That was what really made Louis cry, the fact that Harry was openly dedicating songs to the person he loved, the _ male _person he loved, without worrying over his image or reputation and how it’d affect his sales or persona. 

The gentle chords of a guitar filled the air and a hush fell over the room. Harry closed his eyes, temporarily breaking their searing eye contact, as he sang:

_ Sweet creature, _

_ Had another talk about where it’s going wrong _

_ We’re still young. _

_ We don’t know where we’re going _

_ But we know where we belong. _

_ And oh we started _

_ Two hearts in one home _

_ It's hard when we argue _

_ We're both stubborn _

_ I know, but oh _

Then he opened his eyes, gorgeous green latching onto Louis as he serenaded (holy shit, he was being serenaded!)

_ Sweet creature, sweet creature _

_ Wherever I go, you bring me home _

_ Sweet creature, sweet creature _

_ When I run out of road, you bring me home _

Louis felt all the air whoosh out of him as Harry belted the last line: _ You bring me home… _Dozens of memories of Harry telling Louis the same thing when they were dating enveloped him, bringing tears to his eyes. 

Louis was shaking with silent tears when Harry sang the final line, eyes still locked onto Louis like he’d die if he looked away. 

_ You'll bring me home. _

Thundering applause kindled on Harry’s final note, but Harry’s eyes were still glued to Louis. He wondered if he could properly see him- see the tears running down his face and his glassy, puffy eyes. 

Harry inevitably ripped his eyes away from Louis who slumped backwards in his seat, overwhelmed and bursting at the seams with affection and shock and amazement. He could hear people chatting around him, maybe someone even attempting to talk to _ him _but none of it registered. Louis was a gone man. 

“Thank you so much for coming out to support me here tonight,” said Harry, blinking heavily. “I really hope you all enjoyed the album. None of this would have been possible without you, so thank you- if you bought my album, if you heard it for the first time right here, if you’re a newer fan or if you’ve been sticking with me for ages now, if you’re a friend or family member who’s always unconditionally supported me, _ thank you. _”

Louis found the strength to join in the hearty applause as Harry cheekily bowed and blew kisses at everyone before slowly backing away and off the stage. The lights switched on a few moments later and Louis blinked back spots from his adjusting eyes. He stood up, stumbling on his first step. 

“Careful,” said Anne, reaching out to steady him. He met her concerned eyes, watching as they softened seeing Louis’ tear stained face and puffy eyes. “He cares about you so much,” whispered Anne.

“I know,” said Louis, voice dry. “It’s mutual.” 

She smiled, “Tell the security in the back that you’re Louis Tomlinson, they’ll let you in. Go to him.”

Louis grinned at her, wiping away at his tears, and then he was off. In the background, he could hear Niall holler, “Get your man Tommo!”

He intended to. 

-

Harry paced backstage, teeth grinding and jaw ticking. He had flung off his suit jacket somewhere on the ground, leaving him in his thin white button up and floral flare suit pants. Around him, he was vaguely aware of Mitch and Sarah and the others packing up and chatting lightly. They all knew to get out as soon as possible and soon it was just him, alone. 

Waiting. 

A tentative knock disturbed his endless worrying and contemplating. He stalked to the door, stopping abruptly before it. His heart was pounding so loud, he could feel the vibrations across his entire chest. _Louis. Or not Louis? _Refusing to hesitate, he took a deep breath, and then opened the door.

Time seemed to stop as he met Louis’ stunning blue eyes. They were watery, as if he had been crying. He took in his boy- his soft, fluffy hair, his golden skin, his button nose, delicate bone structure, and the drying tear tracks on his cheeks. “Louis-”

His next words were cut off as Louis lunged for him, grabbing his collar and pulling him into a mind-numbing kiss. Shock coursed through Harry’s body, quickly replaced with yearning. He cupped Louis’ face and groaned into his soft mouth. The door swung shut behind them and Harry pushed Louis up against it, tongue slipping into Louis’ parted lips. He swallowed Louis’ startled sound, brain short circuiting from the first taste. 

Everything else faded away and all Harry could feel, hear, taste, think about was the beautiful boy in front of him. He tilted Louis’ head for better access, licking into his mouth like a starving man. Louis gripped the fabric of his shirt in his hands, driving Harry insane with his little gasps and tiny whimpers. Harry bit Louis’ lip, savoring the way he fell completely pliant against him. This was familiar to him. Louis kissed the same as he always did and Harry adored it, adored him.

It felt right. Like Louis was the only one he was meant to kiss for the rest of his life. 

One of his hands trailed down Louis’ torso, slipping under his sweater (Harry’s sweater, which he noted with satisfaction) and spreading out over Louis’ warm, smooth skin. Harry shuddered upon realization that his fingers spanned the entirety of Louis’ stomach. Louis mewled, hands moving to grip at his shoulders. 

Harry drew away for a moment, taking in the dazed expression on Louis’ face, the flush covering his skin, and his red, bitten lips. He ran his thumb gently over his cheekbone, studying the way Louis’ eyelashes fluttered. “Did you like them?” he whispered. 

“What?” asked Louis confusedly, face leaning into Harry’s gentle touch. 

“The songs,” said Harry, leaning in to press a kiss under his ear. “The ones about you.” 

Louis opened his eyes, blinking slowly with hooded lids, “Loved them.”

_ Love you _ thought Harry. “I’m glad,” he said. 

“Harry,” said Louis quietly, reaching up to wrap his arms around Harry’s neck and sagging into him. “I know you wanted me to wait to make a decision, but my feelings haven’t changed. I want another go- you were wrong, I’ll always want you around. I want _ you. _”

“Music to my ears,” he murmured, leaning in to kiss him again. 

Louis tangled his fingers in Harry’s hair and Harry almost moaned at how good it felt. He held Louis by the hips, squeezing gently. They were pressed all the way together and the heat was suffocating. _ Fuck it _, he thought, hitching Louis’ leg around his waist and hoisting him up against the door. Louis squeaked, but tightened his legs around Harry’s waist, tugging at his hair. Harry bit his lip again, relishing in the small gasp it created. 

He wrenched his lips away, placing lingering pecks along Louis’ jaw and down his neck before biting at his exposed collarbone. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, pressing the words into Louis’ warm skin. 

“You too,” said Louis, voice wobbly. 

Harry buried his face in his neck, breathing in his calming scent and nosing at his throat, “Not as pretty as you. No one’s as pretty as you.”

He kissed Louis’ growing blush. 

“That last song,” said Louis breathlessly. “You mean it?”

“More than anything else I’ve ever sung,” said Harry honestly. Louis made a sound, crashing his lips back into Harry’s. Harry stepped back, keeping his grip on Louis’ thighs secure as he stumbled to the nearest couch. He released Louis gently, kissing him one more time on the lips, and then cheek, and then temple, before forcing himself to step back. 

Louis’ hair is a mess, sticking up in places but still looking soft and golden brown. His eyes are wide and blue, lips red and raw, and his flush hadn’t lessened. 

“I’m crazy about you,” said Harry. 

“It’s mutual,” said Louis earnestly. 

Harry took a deep breath, willing his heart to calm down. “I’m so sorry I fucked everything up.”

Louis scoffed, “I told you I forgave you already, bastard.”

Chuckling, Harry took a seat in an armchair nearby, not trusting himself to share a couch with Louis and be in such close proximity to his addictive lips. “I’ll never be able to tell you how much I’m sorry,” he continued. 

“Then don’t,” said Louis sassily. 

He rolled his eyes, huffing, “I’m trying to build up to something.”

“That something better be asking me out or else I’m leaving,” said Louis threateningly, crossing his arms and pouting. Christ, he’s fucking adorable. 

“Okay, fuck that,” said Harry, standing up and falling to his knees in front of Louis who was still perched at the edge of the couch. “Will you go out with me, Louis?” he asked, taking his hand. He cracked a grin. “Will you let me be the happiest and luckiest man on Earth by accepting this prop-”

“Okay, that’s enough,” said Louis, covering his mouth. Harry grinned into his palm, before kissing it tenderly. Louis blushed, retracting his hand hastily. He cocked an eyebrow, “You going to wine and dine me Styles?”

“Yes,” replied Harry seriously. 

“Woo me?”

“Of course.”

“Charm me and get into my pants?”

Harry smirked, “That’d be nice.”

“Smug bastard,” muttered Louis. He scrunched up his face cutely, in faux-consideration. “Yes,” he declared. 

Harry exhaled in a whoosh, reaching out for Louis who fell into him easily, lips meeting fervently like magnets- forever yearning for their counterpart. Louis was his missing piece, his other half. “Sweet creature,” he said into Louis’ lips. 

“I fucking hate you,” said Louis right back, but he was sticking his tongue in Harry’s mouth so it was clearly void of sincerity.

Harry reluctantly drew away from Louis’ lips, immediately feeling empty. “What time is it?” He glanced at the clock hanging on the wall, “7:00, okay good.”

“Why?” asked Louis, raising an eyebrow. “Got plans?”

“We both do,” said Harry, biting his lip. At Louis’ look of confusion, he continued sheepishly, “I may have made a reservation at a nice restaurant for 7:30.”

Louis’ eyebrows raised so far, they disappeared under his messy fringe, “Bit presumptuous of you, innit?”

Harry pouted, “Heyyy. Technically, you'd already said yes before today.”

“Yeah, yeah,” said Louis, absently petting Harry's hair. “Do you think the others will mind if we disappear so soon?”

Harry was too busy basking in the feeling of Louis' delicate fingers running through his hairs, soothing and comforting. “Others?” he asked, faintly. 

Louis gave him a half-endeared and half-exasperated look, “Y’know, your friends and family who came here to support you and who probably want to see you and congratulate you? And maybe celebrate?”

Harry frowned, “I wanna celebrate with you.” 

Louis grinned at him, “Me too, but you have to at least say goodbye.” 

Harry pouted, but it quickly vanished when Louis grabbed his hand and started pulling him to the door. “C’mon.”

“Wait,” said Harry, stopping them abruptly before the door. “I need to do one more thing.”

Louis’ brows furrowed, “What-”

Harry cut him off with another kiss, sucking Louis’ bottom lip into his mouth and clutching his jaw with a bruising hold. He pulled back and smiled at Louis’ flustered face, mouth gaping open mid-sentence. “Okay, let’s go.” 

-

“Took you both long enough,” teased Niall as Louis and Harry made the walk of shame back to the club. Everyone was staring at them with matching smirks and knowing expressions. Louis glanced at Harry whose hand was gripped tightly in his own, only to find an identical smirk on his face. Louis smacked him in the arm. Smug bastard. 

“Hey guys,” said Harry, happily. 

“H, you were phenomenal,” said Barbara brightly. Echoes of agreement followed and Louis stepped aside to let Harry be swamped with all the praise and excitement he deserved. Instead, he made his way to Gemma and Lottie who were sitting together with equally wicked grins.

“I’m surprised there’s not a hickey on your neck to be honest,” remarked Gemma. 

“We’re not _ animals _,” sniffed Louis, even though they both knew Louis liked being marked up and Harry liked marking people up. 

“Are you happy?” asked Lottie, taking on a more serious tone. Louis peeked back at Harry who he found already to be looking right back at him. They shared a secret smile. 

“I’m happy,” he confirmed. 

Lottie engulfed him in a hug. “I’m glad,” she whispered into his shoulder. Louis hugged her back tightly. 

“Thank you for taking care of me,” said Louis. “These past 9 months.” 

“Thank you for taking care of me for the 19 years before that,” said Lottie. 

“You two are adorable,” said Gemma before sighing. “If only Harry could appreciate me like you appreciate each other.”

“To appreciate you, you’d have to stop bullying me,” retorted Harry, appearing out of nowhere. He placed a hand on Louis’ shoulder and Louis quelled the urge to blush- he kept doing that and he didn’t know how to stop (didn’t want to stop). 

“Jesus Christ, you can’t go a whole minute without being apart,” said Gemma, shaking her head. “Sounds about right.”

Lottie nodded, smirking. 

Harry just slipped his arm around Louis’ waist and Louis easily leaned back on him, relaxing. It was easy and familiar. He felt happy and safe and content. 

They made their rounds saying goodbye, Harry insisting that Louis stay by his side and Louis never dreaming of being anywhere else. Niall wrapped them both in a group hug, close to tears (“My OTP is back together,” he said emotionally). Zayn warned Harry that he would regret it if he screwed up and Harry laughed. Liam clapped Harry on the back and shared a happy smile. Anne hugged her son and praised his music and expressed her pride for how far he had come. Then she embraced Louis, kissing his cheek and making him promise to call her if he ever wanted to talk (which Louis planned on doing for sure). 

Harry introduced Louis to some of his other friends: his bandmates, his agent, Donna (who was a million times better than James which Louis could tell from a minute conversation), Kasey who Louis had heard about even when they had been dating but never met, and more. 

And then Harry guided Louis to his car with a hand at the small of his back. They listened to Arctic Monkeys and ABBA on the way and Harry held his hand as they walked up to the restaurant and Louis hadn’t felt this happy for the longest time. 

They toasted to Harry’s album with champagne and bantered over tortellini and shrimp and by the end of the night, Louis’ legs were tangled with Harry’s. 

This is where they belonged. 

Louis realized, while watching Harry take the check, insisting he’d take care of it like the gentleman he had always been...

It was like coming home.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I couldn't resist adding power couple Sarah and Mitch :)
> 
> Also, technically the Elton John costume was 2018 but it was too iconic not to include. 
> 
> And, yes, I KNOW I included Falling on his first album, I know. It was an executive decision- the song just fits too well for me not to include it. The whole album I purposely left as vague as possible, the only confirmed songs being: sott, kiwi, falling, two ghosts, and sweet creature. I didn’t want to mess with any lyrics and obviously since this is an au. not all of those lyrics apply to this story and these versions of Harry and Louis so please, suspend your belief and pretend it all does. I didn’t want to mold this story to fit his album and its lyrics and I didn’t really want to do the opposite either so I just left it open to interpretation. It's fiction after all, and one of the most important (and best) parts of aus like this is filling in the gaps yourself. 
> 
> And if you're concerned by the definitive last sentence of this chapter, the story isn't over yet. It's getting there (only a few to go), but I promise I'm not leaving you high and dry with smut, haha. 
> 
> (If it consoles any of you, the hard stuff is all past, I'm a sucker for angst but I also love happy endings and tons of fluff).


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First I want to apologize. I mentioned on Twitter that this chapter would probably be late but it ended up being even later then that anticipation- life got in the way. However, I also mentioned in the tweet that this fic would be finished by the end of March (save for the epilogue which may come later), and that is still true. I have the next few weeks off school due to covid-19 so now I have a ton of time to write! Bright side!
> 
> Anyway, this chapter is a little shorter but it's more lighthearted and cute so enjoy :)

**November 14th 2017**

“Why does it feel like you’re bringing me to an abandoned alleyway to shoot me?” asked Harry jokingly, arm tight around Louis’ waist as the man led him down an oddly empty street. 

“Don’t be silly,” said Louis. “I have a knife in my shoe, not a gun.”

Harry huffed a laugh, “I feel at ease now.”

“I'm glad,” said Louis. 

After a few more minutes of walking in silence, curiosity and impatience overtook him, “Where are we going?”

“Patience love,” said Louis, an exact repeat of his response ten minutes ago. 

“Hypocrite,” muttered Harry, dodging Louis’ well-aimed pinch to his side. They were currently on their third date, or they should have been on their third date had it not been taking forever to actually get to the site. Harry had planned their first two dates (the first being their celebratory dinner after Harry’s show and the second being brunch and a movie after at a cinema that included involvement of the audience during the movie) so Louis insisted on planning their date for today and Harry, who wouldn’t have minded either way, obliged, eager to see what Louis would pick for them. But he couldn’t deny the quickly unraveling threads of his patience, especially as curiosity was growing more and more with each step they took deeper into isolation. 

They’d been walking ten minutes when Louis came to an abrupt halt before a seemingly nondescript door. He shot Harry a wicked grin, “Ready?”

Harry frowned. “I have no idea what’s going on but unfortunately, I trust you, so lead the way,” he said, dodging another well-aimed pinch to his stomach before opening the door for Louis who huffed and walked inside. 

The first thing Harry registered was the music: loud, catchy, and overwhelming. He blinked in confusion, taking in the dim lighting and surprisingly  _ crowded  _ hall. He scanned the room, disbelief igniting as he took in the couples dancing, the stone-faced uniformed men and women prowling around the floor with clipboards, the open bar, and the large sign nearby announcing: Dance Competition!

“Louis- we’re dancing?” said Harry, shock and giddiness warring in his brain. 

“Yeah,” said Louis, giving him an expectant look, biting his lip. He squirmed in Harry’s grip, “This is okay, right?”

Harry spun to face him, cupping his face, “This is more than okay, I haven’t been out dancing in ages.”

Louis sighed in relief, “Good. It’s not a serious thing either- it’s a secret dance club and you have to make a reservation beforehand which I did and we get to dance for an hour and if we’re picked by one of the judges, we’ll continue to the next round and so on, so forth. The winner gets an all-expenses-paid fancy dinner at The Ledbury.”

“The Ledbury?” exclaimed Harry, eyebrows raising ridiculously high. 

Louis smiled before twisting his face into a fierce look of determination, “Yeah so we have to win, Styles.”

Harry scanned the crowd again, eyes latching onto the big timer hanging from the wall which would be counting down for the hour and now currently revealed that there was five minutes until the round started. “This is why you were so adamant about what shoes I wore,” he mused, distractedly. 

Louis rolled his eyes, “You should be so grateful, I could’ve just let you run your soles raw in Chelsea boots.”

Harry chuckled, “Thanks babe, now let’s go sign in.”

Thirty minutes later, and Harry was having the time of his life. He had forgotten how good, how  _ easy  _ it was to dance with Louis. They danced at that club back in September (a cursed night that started off so well!) but that had been different- Harry had been too entranced in his feelings for Louis to actually enjoy it, but now, with Louis in his arms, there was nothing to hold him back from dancing the world away. 

And Louis was definitely a sight. One of the first things Harry truly found sexy about Louis was his ability to dance so fluidly and easily, and with no end of confidence. Louis had had many insecurities during their relationship, but dancing was never one of them. They used to go dancing a lot, with friends or just by themselves. Harry remembered those nights with fondness, and also inexplicable gratitude because he was so lucky he was here today, able to do it again. 

It was almost ridiculous, how well the two of them fit together. Like puzzle pieces, as cliche as it sounded. Three dates and it felt like they’ve been together forever, like they had never been apart. Harry was filled with memories from their past relationship: nights were louis would stay up with harry, helping him study for finals before falling asleep on his shoulder, times when niall, harry, and louis would do stuff like going to arcades and bowling because they were bored, times when louis would encourage harry to keep going when he was frustrated with music and insecure about his talents, times when harry would write songs with louis on the piano. Those memories were happy and sweet and he treasured them so much, but he was so relieved that he’d be able to make new memories with this beautiful boy. 

“You okay Haz?” asked Louis as Harry spun him around, clutching him to his chest for a just a moment longer than necessary. 

Harry grinned, “Yeah Lou, I’m great. This was such a good idea, thank you.” 

Louis blushed, mumbling, “I’m glad you like it.”

They sashayed around a slightly wilder couple who on second glance appeared to be highly intoxicated. “God save the queen!” the tipsy lady called out to them. Louis hid his giggles in Harry’s shoulder. 

They were mostly sticking to more classic jaunts and dances, gliding smoothly into the waltz and then twisting into the Born to Hand Jive dance from Grease that both of them knew so well, it was almost worrying. The judges that Harry had caught assessing them all seemed to be appeased by their performance, even though he had definitely spotted some incredibly talented couples dishing out professional moves nearby. Whether they’d make it to the next round was debatable but Harry didn’t mind either way. His chest hurt with how happy he felt, spinning Louis around, holding him close, and making him laugh. 

“Did I tell you that I went to a staff meeting yesterday,” said Louis, eyes wide. 

“No, you didn’t. A meeting for teaching?” Harry asked, smirking as he dipped Louis who was taken off guard. 

“Yeah, just to catch up on stuff since I’m starting back in January,” said Louis. “I’m so excited, I missed teaching so much.”

“You’re going to do so amazing,” said Harry sincerely. He felt so guilty knowing that he had never paid enough attention when Louis first started teaching even though it was his dream and he was so eager. Harry definitely wouldn’t be making that mistake ever again. “I can’t wait to see your classroom- the home of Mr. Tomlinson, world's best drama teacher."

Louis rolled his eyes but he was beaming all the same. 

Time passed like in a flash and though they did pass to the next round, the victors were ultimately a couple of professional dancers and Louis and Harry clapped genuinely for them, before taking advantage of the complimentary catered dinner. 

Harry waited close to the end of the meal before clearing his throat, and pulling a folded envelope out of his pocket, feeling nervous. He handed it to Louis who was looking curious. “This is an apology letter from, um, Malcolm,” said Harry, unable to keep the discontempt out of his voice when speaking the traitor’s name. 

Louis raised an eyebrow, “Really?”

“Yeah,” said Harry, uncomfortable. “Obviously you aren’t obligated to forgive him or anything, I know I wouldn’t. But this is the least of what you deserve from him.” 

Louis nodded, assessing the white envelope thoughtfully, “I think… I think I already forgive him, is that bad?” 

Harry was surprised but he masked it well, smiling a little bit. “You’re much kinder than I am.”

Louis bit his lip, “I feel like it just feels so pointless to keep holding this anger and resentment. He was an asshole to me, but the important part is that I know what he said were all lies. I know my own worth now… And I don’t want to speak to him ever again, but I do forgive him. I even feel a little sorry for him.”

“How so?”

Louis took a while to reply, mindlessly arranging his utensils on the table and ignoring the way Harry tracked every movement (don’t blame him- how could he focus on anything but Louis?). “I feel sorry for him because he felt the need to manipulate people to keep their attention,” said Louis, wincing slightly. “You know the people Malcolm hangs out with... You were always the only one of his friends who genuinely cared about  _ him _ .” 

Harry frowned, he never thought of it that way. 

“And maybe now that you’re leaving him, he’ll finally realize how he has to grow,” said Louis contemplatively. He glanced at Harry, “I guess we’re lucky we’ve already understood that true relationships, friendships or romantic relationships, are borne out of mutual respect and trust. He felt threatened by me, I know that now. Hopefully he’ll learn that if he’s truly friends with someone, he should feel secure. I think that’s an issue we actually both had to work on in the past, albeit him more so than me.” 

Harry was quiet for a minute. “Why are you so wise?” he asked, feeling overwhelmed with his admiration for the man sitting across from him. 

Louis just blushed. 

“Are you still going to read it?” asked Harry after another minute. 

“Maybe later,” said Louis faintly. Alone, was what he meant. But Harry understood, it was not his place to be involved in what would definitely be a difficult task for Louis. 

“I’m proud of you,” said Harry after a moment. “You keep telling me how proud you are of everything I’m doing with the album and stuff, but I’m proud of  _ you.  _ No matter how horrible someone is to you or how terrible of a time you’ve had to go through, you’re still one of the sweetest and most understanding people I’ve ever met. And I’m so happy you’re finally seeing what all of us see- how incredible you are. I admire you so much.”

“Thank you Harry,” said Louis softly, looking at him with so much warmth. 

_ I love you _ , thought Harry, and not for the first time that day- week,  _ month.  _

-

**November 26th 2017**

“When did you even buy this?” asked Liam, utterly disgusted. Louis glanced at the single-handedly most bizarre and colorful rug that he had ever seen and cackled. 

Niall crossed his arms over the two pillows he was clutching, “Excuse you Leeyum, that rug is beauty personified.” 

Liam’s disgust doesn’t lessen. “Seriously, did you dig it up from hell?”

Niall squawked. 

“He’s had that rug for ages, I dunno how you never noticed,” said Harry, peeking his head into the living room. He stepped fully out, frowning while carrying a stuffed box of knick-knacks. “Also quit slacking, we’ve been doing this for three hours and we’re not even halfway done yet.”

“Relax Haz,” said Louis fondly. He was only carrying a small potted plant and a bag filled with a few of Niall’s old uni textbooks. “There’s still a week left before he officially has to move out.” 

“Harry just wants to get rid of me,” said Niall, faux-bitterly. “I see how it is.”

Harry rolled his eyes, “I made dinner and none of you are getting it until we clear up all of Niall’s nasty room decor.”

“None of you have any taste,” said Niall, crossing his arms again. 

“I didn’t even say anything,” pointed out Louis. 

“You were thinking it babe,” said Harry helpfully. Louis shot him a look. “It’s fucking ugly Lou.”

“It’s eccentric! You of all people should appreciate that,” accused Niall.

Harry frowned, “Was that a jab at my fashion sense mate?”

“I don’t know Harry, those bellbottoms you wore the other day were very eclectic,” said Niall. 

“That rug is falling apart,” said Harry petulantly. 

“Children, stop fighting,” said Liam half-heartedly. He had folded the offending rug and tucked it into a box of an assortment of books and notebooks. “We’ll start wrapping up now, yeah?”

“You started it,” said Niall, pouting. “But fine.”

They took their load and diligently trudged downstairs, stuffing their boxes into the already overflowing backseat of Barbara’s car. Barbara was at work and so was Zayn, but Louis hadn’t been doing anything so he accepted Niall’s plea for more help even though he despised any sort of heavy lifting. Oh well, at least Louis got to ogle his boyfriend’s biceps all afternoon. 

Boyfriend. 

The thought still had his heart racing. Harry asked him officially the day before and he was still flushed and giddy about it 24 hours later. As if Harry could read his mind, they met eyes and shared a secret smile which Louis broke off, blushing, when Niall gave them a knowing look. “So what’d you make for dinner?” asked Louis, directing his question to Harry, before Niall could make a comment about how hopeless they are. 

“Fajitas,” said Harry, grinning as Louis gasped. 

“Harry I could kiss you,” he exclaimed. 

“No!” exclaimed Liam right as Niall and Harry said, “Yes.”

“This is why no one likes you,” said Niall to Liam. “You insult people’s perfectly beautiful rugs unprovoked and you discourage public displays of affection as if you and Zayn don’t eye-fuck each other whenever you’re in the same room.” 

“We do not,” huffed Liam. 

“Sure Jan.” 

“Someone needs to spend less time on twitter,” said Liam haughtily. 

“Someone needs to stop being a meanie-pants,” retorted Niall. 

“Children, stop fighting,” said Harry mockingly. 

“I hate you guys, thank fuck I’m moving out,” said Niall. "See what I had to deal with Lou?"

“I just want fajitas,” said Louis, sighing. 

“Let’s go get them then,” said Harry, coming up to him and slipping an arm around his shoulders. “I also bought mint chip ice cream earlier today.” 

“You’re my favorite,” said Louis happily, resting his head on Harry’s shoulder. 

“Are you replacing me with Louis?” demanded Niall as they trekked back upstairs to the flat, Harry and Louis in front followed by Niall and then Liam. 

“Yes,” said Harry easily. 

“Fuck off hippie!”

“I’ll withhold any and all food from you, don’t tempt me.”

“God help me,” said Liam. 

“Shut up rug-wrecker!” said Niall angrily, swinging open the door. 

Louis just laughed. He loved the easy banter that flowed between their friend group every time. None of it was taken personally and teasing and sarcastic jabs were traded like bread. Liam ducked into the other room to answer a call from Zayn who was probably getting off his shift. Louis took a seat on the piano bench, absently running his hand over the closed top. When he glanced back up, Harry was staring at him with an unreadable expression, eyes fixed unwaveringly on him.

“You should play,” said Niall excitedly, interrupting Louis and Harry’s intense eye contact. 

Louis chuckled, “I haven’t played in a really long time, m’probably really rusty.”

“Yeah but you’re, like, a master. Literally nothing you play could sound anything but amazing,” said Niall, sounding almost exasperated. “Right Harry?”

They both turned to Harry but he was still just staring at Louis at the piano, looking a little choked up. 

“You okay Haz?” asked Louis, concerned. 

Harry’s eyes flickered up to his and he smiled softly, “Yeah, just thinking…”

“About what?”

Harry gave a pointed look to Niall who was still lingering nearby and tilted his head to symbolize him leaving which he did, raising his hands up and smirking amusedly. 

And then Harry slowly sat down on the bench next to him, Louis still giving him a questioning look but leaning into him all the same. Harry grabbed his hand and intertwined their fingers. “I bought this piano for you.”

Louis gawked, “What?”

“Back in December 2014… It was an apology gift for being a dick to you,” said Harry sadly. “I never got to give it to you.”

“Harry,” said Louis helplessly. “This piano is ridiculously expensive.”

Harry smiled ruefully, “It was the first big purchase with my gig money.”

Louis was at a loss for words, so utterly shocked. Harry bought him a piano. “And you never sold it?” he blurted. 

“Couldn’t. Didn’t want to,” said Harry. “Even though my piano expertise is very limited… No one but me has played anything on this piano, I wouldn’t let them. It’s yours. It’s only meant to be yours, and now you can actually use it.” He frowned, “I know you said you haven’t played since… and I know it’s probably hard right now because that day is approaching soon, but whenever you want to try again, it’s here. And I’m here.”

Louis’ heart was racing a million miles a second. “Thank you,” he said eventually, feeling warm with Harry’s genuine affection and concern. He knew it was coming- December 7th. It was less than two weeks away and he was plenty aware of it. It still felt shattering, the realization that it’s been an entire year since he’s seen his mother speak and heard her lovely voice… It hurt like hell, but Louis knew he’d be able to get through it with his family and friends by his side. Everyone had already started being gentler with him, more cautious and patient which he appreciated more than he ever expected to. He had also put a mini break on his driving attempts with Niall (they had had four sessions already and Louis had successfully driven around a parking lot… like he was a fucking teenager again, but progress was progress he supposed). “I think I’ll try soon… I want to play for you again.” 

Harry blinked, a heavy emotion in his green eyes but he just pulled Louis into a kiss which Louis sunk into, reaching to tug at Harry’s curls. Louis moaned when Harry hoisted him onto his lap, arms slipping around to clutch his middle. He could feel the cool surface of the piano digging into his back and he felt a wave of emotion rush through him. He broke their kiss and nuzzled into Harry’s neck, sucking a bruise onto his throat and just about preening when he both felt and heard Harry groan, muscles tensing. Arousal was thrumming through his veins and not for the first time since they got together, Louis was thinking about sex. 

About having sex. 

With Harry… for the first time in nearly three years. 

“Harry, did you- FUCKING HELL, STOP!” yelled Niall and they sprung apart, Louis unfortunately hitting his hip bone on the piano and yelping. 

“Baby, are you okay?” asked Harry immediately. 

Baby. Louis turned bright red. “Yeah,” he squeaked. “I’m good.”

“Okay, new rule. Three feet apart,” said Niall, pointing at them with two condescending fingers. “And as I was trying to ask before…” He paused to gesture wildly at them, “All that- did you make guacamole?”

“Guacamole?” asked Louis, scowling. “Harry, gross.”

“You don’t have to eat it Lou,” said Harry fondly. “And it’s in the fridge Ni, maybe look before you come looking to ask next time please.”

“Stop making out in the foyer,” said Niall firmly, before disappearing back into the kitchen.

As soon as he was gone, Harry gripped Louis’ hips and kissed his cheek. “Dinner?”

“Yeah, okay,” said Louis, taking Harry’s hand and pulling him away. He felt a little out of control.  _ Horny.  _ The obvious thing to do was talk about it with Harry because they hadn’t really talked about it before. Despite how good everything was going between them, Louis could tell Harry was still hesitant that Louis had completely forgiven him. 

But Louis had fully moved on. He wanted their second chance to be a fresh start not weighed down by the weight of past mistakes and hurt. 

-

Later on Louis plays Mr. Brightside by the Killers with Harry’s arm around him and Zayn, Niall, and Liam cheering him on. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also yes, smut is coming. You've all waited long enough so I promise it'll be a longer one, 156k words of waiting and you'll finally be rewarded!!
> 
> ALSO: I didn't include Malcolm's letter because I felt like that would defeat the whole, 'I forgive him' thingy that happened. Louis and Harry have moved past Malcolm's bitchiness and I wanted to represent that by not giving too much importance to his letter... 
> 
> And for those of you who are worried about the future chapters being really heavy because of the approaching anniversary of Jay's death, don't worry. I'm going to keep it as vague as possible (no flashbacks). Louis still has to tell Harry about his suicide attempt (I'll give a trigger warning, don't worry) but it won't be a flashback and it won't be super descriptive.
> 
> Also reminder that Louis is strong and brave!!


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would it really be one of my chapters if there wasn't fluff and angst in it? 
> 
> TW: SELF HARM/SUICIDE ATTEMPT!!! IT IS NOT A FLASHBACK! It is only vaguely described, like very vaguely. Trust me, I hate writing it as much as you probably hate having to read it- this is some sad stuff. However, if you feel that even the mention of these events is too triggering for you, you can read until the DECEMBER 3RD 2017 header and then skip the rest of the chapter. Please don't feel bad about it if it's for your own health and safety. Don’t do anything that can harm you, and take care of yourself first, always. 
> 
> That's all :)

**December 1st 2017**

Louis pulled the blanket up higher over his body and cuddled into Harry’s side. Harry made a soft content noise, slipping an arm around Louis’ shoulders. It was officially winter time and London was getting colder and colder with every passing day. It was also now officially December: the end of the year. 

It used to be his favorite month, but that obviously changed the year before. Whether it changed again remained to be seen. 

Louis and Harry had spent the entire day on the couch, watching films and cuddling (and snogging) and living off leftovers from the day before. It was nice. Really nice. Liam and Zayn were visiting Zayn’s sister and Niall was obviously fifteen minutes away in his new flat with Barbara. It was weird not seeing him there but not too bad, Louis saw him yesterday after all for their weekly movie night (they’ve resumed them finally, no longer awkward because of unresolved issues). 

It was even weirder that Harry and Liam announced that they’d be moving out of the flat when their lease expired, coincidentally on Harry’s birthday. The two of them were currently paying the rent which was meant for three people and they’ve both expressed ideas of either finding a new flat… or judging by the way things were going for Zayn and Liam, find two different flats. Louis wasn’t blind. He could tell the couple was heading into the direction of moving in together very soon. It was sad, but more so bittersweet. He knew Zayn wasn’t abandoning him and he deserved to live with his boyfriend. What would happen to Louis and Harry after that… Well, Louis had a clear picture of what he wanted. And he was pretty sure Harry felt the same. 

The film ended and Harry sat up to reach for the remote. “Which one next? Is it too early in the month to watch Love Actually?”

“It’s never too early to watch Love Actually,” Louis pointed out. 

“This is why you’re my favorite,” said Harry, grinning wide. Louis waited for him to lean back on the couch before resting his head on Harry’s shoulder again. He loved cuddles. 

And he loved Harry. 

He had been thinking about it more lately, wondering when exactly he’d be able to tell him. When the right time would be. But was there even a right answer? Was there a right time to tell your boyfriend of less than a month but previously almost two years in which you had already shared, “I love you,”s? If there was, Louis didn’t know it. He had been stressing out about it the night before even. It felt so stupid. He never even stopped loving Harry and part of him desperately wanted Harry to know that. 

But he also wanted his love to be reciprocated. However, he was sure it would be. This was Harry. They were LouisandHarry, and even though he had once lost hope that they'd never be that again, here they were. Together and stronger than ever. Harry had made it no secret in his letter that he adored Louis and wanted him to be the one he spent the rest of his life with. He said Louis was his home! That was practically the same thing! For fuck’s sake, Louis was so conflicted. 

Except now that he turned over more, the urge to just spit it out was growing and growing. He watched as Harry pulled up Love Actually and hit play. Louis loved him, loved hi so much. He had never stopped. He had to tell him. Now? 

Now. 

There was no better time than the present after all. And not communicating properly was how they messed up the first time.

“Harry,” he said firmly, determination rising inside him. His heart was racing and he suddenly felt too hot under the soft blanket- like he was suffocating. Harry met his eyes, concern in his kind eyes. Louis loved him so much. And he refused to feel bad about it. _Now or never… _“I love you.” 

It may have been too early. It may have not been the best moment. But Louis couldn’t hold it in any longer, couldn’t endure the stress and confusion and the idea that Harry still didn’t know that he owned Louis’ entire heart, always had and always would. So he said it, firmly and meaningfully. Honestly. 

Harry stared at him, stunned and frozen. Louis memorized the curve of his plush lips, his bright green eyes, the divot of his dimples, the arch of his eyebrows, the razor sharp line of his jaw, and the shadows cast on his forehead by a few stray dark curls. Beautiful, he was beautiful. “I love you,” he repeated, just in case Harry hadn’t heard him. Even though it was just the two of them in this now silent room. Harry had paused the movie. It felt monumental. “I never stopped…”

Wisps of regret and embarrassment were curling their way up Louis’ throat and he was close to opening his mouth and apologizing when Harry lunged for him, pulling him into a searing, wet kiss. He swallowed up Louis' gasp and cupped his face with two big hands. Louis’ mouth fell open and he moaned against Harry’s insistent, slick tongue.

“Baby,” he mumbled into Louis’ mouth. He wrenched himself back and Louis blinked, dazedly. Their eyes met. Blue and green. “Fuck, I love you too,” Harry said breathlessly, eyes wide and fixed irrevocably on Louis like he was the most important person on the planet. 

Louis melted, falling into Harry’s arms. Harry pressed adoring kisses on his parted lips, whispering, “I love you. I love you. I love you.” If Louis died that second, he’d leave the earth in pure bliss. Harry pulled him onto his lap and Louis went docile in his arms, soaking in the wet kisses Harry peppered over his lips, cheeks, and neck. He buried his fingers in Harry’s curls and wrapped his legs around Harry’s waist, gasping out loud when Harry nipped at his throat. 

“Haz,” said Louis softly. “I want you to fuck me.” It tumbled out of his mouth without permission, cracking through the somewhat calm atmosphere. Harry tensed. 

“Yeah?” he whispered, gazing at Louis with so much adoration and affection that Louis flushed. There was also disbelief in his eyes. Like he couldn’t believe that Louis would reciprocate. Idiot. “Are you sure?”

Louis nodded firmly, one hand gripping Harry’s bicep and the other tugging on his hair. “Yes, please. I want you.” 

He groaned, diving back in for a bruising kiss. “I love you,” he said. 

“Love you,” slurred Louis back, overwhelmed in his arousal and desperation. He wanted to feel Harry on him, completely naked. He wanted him _ inside_. “Please fuck me.” 

Harry nodded slowly, looking a mixture of dazed and lustful. He gripped Louis by the thighs and stood up, Louis clinging to him with his whole body, then staggered his way to his bedroom. Lips never parting, Louis whined when Harry pressed his back into the closed door. “C’mon…” he pleaded, sucking a bruise right under his jawline. 

“Patience, angel,” drawled Harry, breath tickling Louis’ skin as he nuzzled into his neck. “I’m going to take my time with you…”

Louis shivered, biting back a whimper when Harry bit his bottom lip and sucked it into his mouth. He tangled his fingers in Harry’s curls, tugging in the way he knew the taller man liked. His brain was thrumming with a mantra of _ Harry Harry Harry Harry. _

And a little bit of _ fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. _

Shifting a bit in Harry’s hold had Harry groaning when Louis’ bum brushed the growing bulge in his pants. Unable to help himself, Louis grinded down onto it, swallowing Harry’s gasps with wet lips. “Inside,” mumbled Louis into Harry’s kiss-bitten lips. “Babe, bedroom _ please _.”

“Yeah alright darling,” said Harry, breathing hot air into Louis’ ears. He hoisted Louis up further into his arms and Louis reached back to open the door, clinging to Harry when he inevitably stumbled into the room, dizzy with lust and eyes glued onto Louis’ own. 

Louis’ back hit the mattress and his legs fell apart, subconsciously making room as Harry crawled over to him, reattaching their lips and covering his body with his own broader one. 

“Wait, Harry…” said Louis, turning his head. He needed them to do this right, which meant full disclosure and honesty. 

“Yeah love?” His voice was laced with arousal but he stilled for Louis anyway.

“I haven’t… I haven’t slept with anyone since you,” he revealed, blushing. He was laid out bare in all ways except literally; vulnerable. 

The look on Harry’s face was equally shocked and guilty, “Baby…” He grimaced, “I’m so sorry but I can’t say the same though I wish I could... It was only one person though, and I-”

“Harry, you don’t have to justify yourself- we weren’t together, we were broken up. You were allowed to sleep with whomever you wanted… I know it doesn’t mean you want me or love me any less,” said Louis impatiently, rolling his eyes slightly. Harry was sort of an idiot sometimes. “I’m not mad I promise.”

“I know… but I still. I regret it so much- I did it on the anniversary of our break up,” admitted Harry, looking embarrassed. At Louis’ stunned expression, he continued, “In interest of being fully honest, he also… uh, sort of looked like you…”

Louis raised an eyebrow and Harry blushed. 

“That sounds so creepy, but believe me when I say I regret it,” mumbled Harry. “And that was nearly two years ago so uh, I guess we’re both going to have to take it slow.”

Louis reached up and kissed Harry’s pulse. “I love you and I trust you,” he said, just as a reminder and also because Louis would never tire of saying it. 

Harry beamed at him. “I love you too,” he said, before lowering himself to plank over Louis, forearms right next to his head and legs in between Louis’ spread ones. “So much.”

This time when they kissed, it was slower, more languid. Gentle, caressing kisses with parted lips and tongues. Harry’s hands slid under Louis’ sweater and he shivered at the warmth. “May I?” asked Harry and Louis nodded, resting his head on Harry’s shoulder as Harry slowly dragged the soft material over his stomach, leaning down to nip at the revealed skin. Louis expected to feel nervous or maybe even insecure. 

He didn’t. 

Harry loved him. Harry loved him the best that anyone ever could, and Louis couldn’t feel anything but safe in his arms. Harry tugged his own shirt off after and Louis traced the lines of his tattoos with soft fingertips. The room was quiet save for the sound of their breathing. Harry’s eyes were latched onto his as he leaned in and kissed the moth on his abdomen, flushing as the muscles contracted. It was almost unfair how broad Harry had become over their time apart. He shivered as two big hands gripped him by the hips, coaxing him back into laying on the mattress again. “Let me see you,” murmured Harry, caught in a trance. 

His gaze was heavy and loving as he followed the curves of Louis’ body. Louis himself was sweating under the heat of his attention, but basking in it all the same. Harry hands wandered, brushing up his ribs and then over his arms. He paused over his right forearm before gently raising it. Louis shivered as Harry placed featherlight kisses over his faint, nearly invisible scars.

" 'M proud of you baby," he whispered, before pressing a firmer kiss on Louis' palm. He pecked Louis' lips sweetly.

He hissed when Harry ducked down to nip at one of his nipples. “Sensitive as always,” said Harry fondly. Louis scowled but it quickly turned into a gasp when Harry started sucking on his nipple, sprinkling in some teasing nips every once in a while to make Louis squirm. 

Harry lavished his left nipple before switching to the other one, leaving Louis breathless and needy. He was unbearably hard, and he knew Harry liked to take his time especially with foreplay but if Louis wasn’t relieved in the next few minutes, he’d scream. 

As if reading his mind, Harry finally kissed his way down to Louis’ navel, kissing his belly button. Then he tucked his fingers into the waistband of Louis’ sweats, and met his eyes with a question. Louis nodded slowly, heart pounding as Harry inched the fabric down his legs and full off. He hissed when Harry thumbed over his cock in his pants. “Harry…” he whined. 

“Darling,” replied Harry easily. He leaned down and pressed a light kiss over the bulge and Louis jolted in bed, squirming. 

“Do something,” he implored. 

Harry smirked, “I am.” Then, in true Harry fashion, he moved away from Louis’ cock and pressed kisses to his inner thighs, sucking a mark on Louis’ most sensitive skin and making him gasp out loud. Louis was dizzy with lust and desperation. Harry was holding his calves now, thumbs rubbing gentle circles in his skin as he sucked and nipped at Louis’ skin. Louis reached down and tugged Harry’s hair again, shivering when he moaned low. 

“Take off your pants,” whispered Louis.

He regretted it when Harry’s warmth left him for a moment. However, he appreciated the view of Harry’s long legs and very obvious erection being revealed as he hurried to undress. Louis sat up, “Let me suck you.” The words just tumbled out, but Louis wanted it tremendously. He wanted to feel Harry’s cock in his mouth, feel him fall apart due to his lips- him alone. 

Harry’s mouth fell open. “Fuck,” he managed to say. They switched spots and Louis wasted no time in pulling Harry’s briefs down, biting his lip when it sprung out, red and leaking. Jesus, it was bigger than Louis remembered. He gently gripped it at the base, savoring the way Harry’s hips stuttered. He had forgotten how small his hands looked holding Harry’s cock. “Fuck,” said Harry again, sounding breathless. 

Louis leaned in, eyes narrowed and gave the head an experimental kitten lick. Harry swore above him. Then he opened his mouth and slowly took in a few inches, suckling lightly at the head and jerking off the rest of his length. 

When he adjusted to the feel, everything else returned to him in waves. He stopped for a moment before taking in as much as he could in the next breath. Harry’s thighs strained, clearly trying to hold back from thrusting. Louis had once been able to get his mouth fucked easy peasy, but it’d been a while and he's not sure he'd be able to do it again just yet. 

Maybe next time. 

He bobbed his head up and down, keeping the right amount of saliva for a smooth glide and pausing to suckle at the head every once in a while because he remembered it drove Harry crazy. Harry gripped Louis by the back of his head, his hold unyielding and firm as Louis went down further and further until his eyes were watering and his lashes were clumped together. He looked up at Harry like that, knowing his eyes were big and glassy and his lips were red. Knowing he looked _ obscene _and humming contentedly when Harry cursed and tightened his grip on his hair. “Baby, get off I’m going to come.” 

Louis waited another second, memorizing the feel of being entirely full before pulling off with a pop. He didn’t get a second to breathe before Harry grabbed him by the waist and turned them over, Louis once again hitting the mattress with a gasp. “You’re so gorgeous,” mumbled Harry, pressing adoring kisses on his lips, chin, jaw, and neck. “Turn over for me, sweetheart.”

Louis did, resting his head on his arms and arching his back, shivering under Harry’ warm breath as he peppered wet kisses down his spine. He whimpered when two big hands cupped his arse, spreading him open to expose his most intimate parts. Harry blew warm air onto his fluttering hole, making Louis drop his weight onto his arms, whining. “Harry…”

He didn’t respond a moment later Louis jerked as a wet kiss was placed directly over his hole. A spurt of precome leaked from his cock as he writhed against the sheets. Harry licked a long stripe over his perineum and Louis moaned into his arms. “Taste so good,” whispered Harry, breath caressing his skin. He traded kitten licks with deeper flicks of his tongue, tracing around his rim teasingly but not dipping in despite Louis’ whimpering. Louis grinded into the sheets, desperate to relieve the pressure while also arching his back and trying to press further into Harry’s touch. However, Harry pinned his hips to the bed, halting any attempts for friction. 

And then, _ finally _ , Harry licked in, tongue flattening against Louis’ walls tauntingly. Louis bit back a scream, eyes wet from how overwhelmed he felt. And then Harry slipped in a finger, long and thick even only up to the knuckle, retracting his tongue. Louis shivered. “Where’s the lube?” mumbled Harry. He sounded dazed and confused, lost in the haze of _ them together _. 

Louis scoffed, “This is your room, idiot.”

Harry huffed, before reaching over to the night stand. Louis had never been so grateful for Harry’s long arms. He closed his eyes for a moment, simmering in the knowledge that this was happening. Harry was going to fuck him. Louis was about to be fucked. Fuck.

Louis hadn't had anything but his own fingers and hands for two years and all of that was about to change. 

He heard the snap of the lube bottle closing and then Harry’s finger vanished for a second before returning, slick as it glided inside. It was bare which meant Harry had taken off all his rings when retrieving the lube. Maybe next time he'd leave them on like he used to sometimes, whenever he wanted to drive Louis absolutely insane.

Louis mewled as Harry started fucking his single digit in and out of his hole, switching between circling his rim and pressing in firmly- overwhelmingly. “ ‘Nother, give me another,” he muttered, sounding completely out of it. 

Harry hummed, and a second later he added his pointer finger, scissoring them apart and fucking in earnestly now. His other hand came up to cup the side of Louis’ face, “Open your eyes. Look at me,” he said firmly. Louis’ eyes fluttered open, latching onto green irises, body seizing as one of Harry's fingers brushed his prostate. 

“There,” he bit out, gasping. Harry angled his fingers, eyes still focused onto Louis’, gaze never wavering as he fucked in deeper. Louis spasmed when a finger hit his prostate dead on but Harry’s grip kept him stagnant against the mattress. It was quiet in the room save for his unabashed little sounds of pleasure and Harry’s ragged breaths. "Kiss me,” he whispered.

Harry obliged, leaning in and allowing Louis to suck his lip into his mouth. And because he's always naturally dominating, he took over and fucked his tongue into Louis’ waiting mouth while fucking into him with his fingers. It felt amazing but after a few minutes, Louis began getting impatient, fucking back onto Harry’s fingers, trying to encourage him to pick up the pace. It didn’t work- Harry continued his slow pace with long, drawn-out drags of his fingers, thoroughly stretching him out. Harry fingered like he could do it forever, completely focused on the recipient, giving all his attention to them even when his cock was so red it looked painful. Harry liked to take care of people. 

And Louis wanted to be taken care of. 

“‘M ready,” he said, writhing into Harry’s fingers. “Fuck me _ now. _”

“Almost,” said Harry, before sliding in a third finger. “Jesus Christ, you’re so fucking tight.” 

“I’ll feel even tighter around your cock,” said Louis, wiggling his arse just a little bit to emphasis.

“Yeah you will,” said Harry, groaning. And finally, _ finally _ , he withdrew his fingers and Louis turned to watch him grab the abandoned lube along with a condom. His mouth dropped a little when Harry raised the wrapper to his mouth and ripped it open with his teeth. Louis’ cock twitched. _ Jesus Christ. _

Harry didn’t waste any time slipping it on and drizzling some lube on his dick and then a little bit more on Louis’ hole. 

“How do you want me?” asked Louis breathlessly. 

“Facing me,” said Harry easily. “Wanna see you fall apart.”

Heart stuttering, Louis allowed Harry to turn him over gently, tucking a pillow under his hips for comfort before lining up in between his legs. Harry held Louis’ legs by the backs of his thighs and Louis made tiny grabby-hands until Harry leaned down and joined their lips. “I love you,” whispered Harry, pecking him again. 

“Love you too,” replied Louis, words coming out slurred. 

Then Harry started easing in. Louis’ breath faltered and he tensed subconsciously. Harry was big, big, big. “Breathe, sweetheart,” coaxed Harry, stroking his inner thigh soothingly. “Let me in.”

Louis focused on the soft touches on his skin and the comforting cadence of Harry’s voice. He slowly relaxed, falling completely pliant as Harry pushed deeper and deeper inside. It burned a little but Harry went slow, pausing every few seconds to let Louis adjust. When he bottomed out, he reached down to kiss Louis wetly, forearms moving to cage him in. Louis wrapped his legs around Harry’s waist, gently pushing on his back. “Fuck me,” he urged. 

Harry pulled out slowly, hesitating slightly, before pushing in again. Louis’ head lolled back in ecstasy as Harry’s movements intensified, fucking into him with long, dragging thrusts that left Louis felt every inch. It didn’t take long for Harry to seek out his prostate. Louis cried out when his bundle of nerves was hit directly. He knew he was being loud, little “uh uh uhs” and “ah ah ahs” and some “fuck fuck fucks” spilling from his lips like honey. But he knew Harry loved it. “Faster!” Louis gasped, clawing at Harry’s back. Harry listened this time, slamming into him faster and faster. Two years and his stamina was still incredible, of fucking course. 

“So gorgeous,” groaned Harry. He lowered his lips to Louis, not quite kissing and closer to just breathing into each other’s mouths but it was good. So good. 

“Haz,” Louis whined, jolting from a particularly harsh thrust. “I’m going to come.”

“Come for me, baby,” said Harry into his mouth. He turned his head to nip at his ear and Louis winced. “I love you.” 

Then he reached down and took hold of Louis’ leaking cock. One twist and Louis was coming onto his stomach, hips stuttering and clenching down with a strangled moan. Harry groaned and seconds later he was following, spilling into the condom. Harry collapsed on top of him, biting roughly at his collarbone. Louis dropped one hand into Harry’s messy hair, rubbing tiny circles on his head as he shuddered and convulsed. They were trapped in a haze of sex and love. Making love Louis supposed, and to think he had once hated the phrase. 

When Louis fully recovered from his high, he immediately squirmed from the oversensitivity- Harry’s dick was still inside him. Harry groaned again, lifting himself up and slowly pulling out. Louis’ eyes fluttered shut as Harry tied off the wrapper and somehow managed to throw it into the trash can across the room. 

He must’ve dozed off a bit because the next time he opened his eyes, Harry was gently wiping him off with a rag. Louis studied his sweaty skin and hazy eyes. His curls were a mess and his lips were bitten red and swollen. There were little bite marks all over his neck and chest and Louis knew that if he turned around, he’d see angry red lines across his back from Louis’ nails. He looked so beautiful.

He finished wiping Louis off and lazily threw the rag onto the floor. Louis huffed a laugh, effectively drawing Harry’s attention back onto him. Louis watched his features instantly soften. “Hi,” he whispered, his stare adoring and fond. 

“Hi,” whispered Louis back. He reached out for Harry and Harry automatically pulled him onto his chest, sighing contentedly. “I love you,” said Louis softly, pressing the words into Harry’s chest before kissing the moth again. It might be Louis’ favorite tattoo. Next to the ship. And the swallows… Okay, maybe he loved them all. 

“I love you so much,” whispered Harry, fingers skimming through Louis’ hair. “You’ve got my devotion. I’m never going to let you go.” 

Louis’ heart swelled and he closed his eyes in effort to quell his wide grin but it curved his lips anyway. He nuzzled into Harry’s chest. Satisfied from a nice dicking down, he felt tired in the best way possible. The haze of sleep surrounded him quickly and he surrendered to its call, warm and safe in Harry’s embrace. 

-

The lovers woke up just before dinner and joined Liam in the kitchen for take-out pizza. Harry let Louis borrow one of his shirts to sleep in (“I love seeing you in my clothes,” “Yeah, cuz you’re a possessive weirdo,” “But I’m _ your _weirdo,”) and they fell asleep tangled together after exchanging final, hushed and half-asleep, “I love yous.” The best kind. 

-

**December 3rd 2017**

“Next left,” said Louis quietly. Harry obliged, hands rigid and firm in his movements. He felt tense and stiff, like an arrow nocked and taut, ready to be shot at the slightest action. 

The atmosphere had been like that ever since Harry picked Louis up from the therapist’s office and Louis requested for them to drive somewhere rather than to the cafe they talked about for lunch. Harry had been confused, but he’d agreed instantly, eager to please his boyfriend anytime he could. Louis didn’t tell him where they were going but he seemed nervous and strangely subdued, almost _ meek _. Harry had the creeping feeling that where they were going was important. It had been nearly two full days since they had first exchanged love declarations and slept together. Things were amazingly perfect between them. Harry wasn’t worried per say about that. But he was worried about the heart-wrenching little pout on Louis’ face and the way he was staring unseeingly outside the window and the way he was fidgeting with his jacket like he did when he was agitated. 

He listened to Louis’ quiet instructions and they finally pulled up onto a completely empty street. Harry hadn’t ever been to this part of town let alone this area, but it was clear Louis was familiar with it. He shoved open the car door mere seconds after Harry parked, stumbling outside of the vehicle on shaky feet. Harry followed quickly, concerned by the look on Louis’ face as he stopped abruptly on the road, staring across the street. Then he just sat down, and crossed his legs, without saying a single word. 

Harry remained quiet as well, stunned. He slowly sat down right beside Louis. He could tell the man was tense and uncomfortable but Harry could also tell that if he mentioned it, it’d only make everything worse. He glanced at Louis nonetheless, noting the way his fists were clenched and his eyes were fixed unwaveringly at the building across the street. It was an older building, faded paint and worn down wood. It was clear that it hadn’t been used or entered in a long while. Harry didn’t understand why they were here, but he could feel the tension. Like they were on the cusp of something. 

When Louis finally spoke, his voice was quiet. “I’m going to tell you something…”

Harry waited patiently, hands itching to reach out and touch- console, comfort. But he had a feeling his attempts would be warded off. Something important was about to happen. He just had to listen. 

“It’s going to make you upset,” warned Louis. “But I have to tell you.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything,” said Harry, gently. He was being cautious, conscious of the delicate tension between them. He wouldn’t break it. 

“No, I….I _ want _to tell you,” said Louis, but he sounded uncertain. Harry watched as he crossed his arms, curling into himself. He wanted to hug him, but he held himself back. “You know I had a hard time dealing with Mum’s… um. You know it was hard for me, right?” His voice had started off strong but slowly dipped lower and lower until he was nearly at a whisper.

“Yeah,” whispered Harry, matching Louis’ volume. He had a prickling feeling, a sort of premonition to what was happening… what Louis was trying to tell him. Something tightened inside him, but he ignored it. He had to listen. “Whenever you’re ready…”

Louis took a deep, shaky breath. “Well, I told you about the self-harm, and how, um, it was like a coping mechanism, a distraction… I guess, it was sort of also like a _ punishment. _”

Harry winced and Louis curled into himself further, making himself small. He looked so vulnerable and scared and all Harry wanted to do was stop this. Pick him up and drive them home and cover up all the pain with kisses and hugs and happiness. But he couldn’t. It was the hardest thing he’d ever had to stomach. 

Louis glanced at him briefly, blue eyes watery and red-rimmed. _ Stop _ thought Harry. _ I don’t want to listen. _But he had to. And he would. “I was in a really bad place,” whispered Louis, voice wavering. “I need to emphasize that… I was sad and scared and lonely and I didn’t know how to exist as myself anymore. It was like I died with her,” he confessed, voice cracking at the end. Harry flinched. 

Louis cleared his throat, “I didn’t… I didn’t want to live anymore.”

Harry sucked in a breath, the prickly sensation returning in tenfold. 

“And I promise… I was in a dark place, but it’s gone now Haz,” whispered Louis. “I’ve healed.” And then a moment later, Harry felt a hand grip his shoulder. His eyes flew open (he hadn’t even realized he’d squeezed them shut). He met Louis’ pained eyes. But they weren’t just full of pain. They were filled with strength and bravery. 

Louis was the bravest person he’d ever met. The strongest too. Harry would try to be half as brave for his sake. He nodded, gesturing for Louis to continue. 

“I was broken,” said Louis and Harry’s heart broke at the raw hurt in his voice. “And I felt so alone, even though I had my family and Calvin and Zayn. I pushed them all out. I went through every day in a trance. I woke up, ate if I remembered to, cut when the pain got too bad, cried, and then fell asleep only when I took a sleeping tablet. I had nightmares every night.”

Harry exhaled shakily. His heart was pounding but he placed his hand over Louis’, filling the gaps between his smaller fingers and clutching desperately. Holding on. Grounding each other. _ He’s here _ he reminded himself. _ He’s healed. _

Louis cleared his throat again. “On January 15th, I drove my car into that wall.” 

The statement came out quieter than a whisper but Harry still heard it. He jolted, breath whooshing out of his in one harsh sound. _ I drove my car into that wall. _

“Lou,” he croaked, horrified. Louis’ grip on his shoulder tightened exponentially but Harry could barely feel it. 

When he glanced over, Louis was shaking. “I regretted it immediately Harry. But I thought it was too late. I swerved but it was too close, and my car crashed into the side of the building and it nearly went straight through.”

“Oh my god,” said Harry, he was frozen in horror and devastation. _ He’s right here. He’s alive. He’s in front of me. He’s okay. _He knew he was probably squeezing Louis’ hand way too hard but Louis didn’t say anything, and literally nothing in the world would be able to convince Harry to ease up even a little bit. “Louis.”

“It’s not as bad as it sounds,” said Louis weakly. 

Which… how? How could it not be as bad as it sounded? How could it be less bad? Louis tried to kill himself. Fuck, Louis tried to kill himself. 

He almost left this earth and Harry would have had no idea. “Baby,” he said wetly. Louis seemed to see how terrified he was because he was crawling into Harry’s lap in the next second, slipping his arms around his torso and rubbing his back comfortingly. Harry buried his face into Louis’ neck and breathed in his scent. In pure desperation, he raised one hand and felt around at Louis’ neck for his pulse. His fingers were oh-so gentle as they traced his pulse, absorbing the steady beat of his heart rate. Strong. Alive. 

“It’s okay Harry, I’m okay,” whispered Louis. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” said Harry firmly. “Tell me the rest.”

“Harry-”

“_ Please _. You need it. So I’ll get through it,” said Harry solemnly. Louis ducked down to kiss his shoulder over his jacket. 

“I love you,” said Louis. 

“I love you too,” said Harry. “I promise I’m okay, please keep going.”

Louis nodded, chin brushing the top of Harry’s head. “I was lucky. I was so lucky Harry, but also not lucky. The doctor told me that if I didn’t swerve that last second, I’d be dead.”

Harry gripped Louis’ waist like a vice. 

“That was it Harry, I never wanted to kill myself again I promise,” assured Louis, words tumbling out in a rush. “I thought living a life without Mum was the worst thing that could happen, but ending it would be. She wouldn’t want that. My family wouldn’t want that. It knocked some reality into me pretty quick.” 

Harry squeezed his eyes shut, his entire body shuddering under the weight of what Louis was confiding in him. He didn’t want to know this. Never wanted to know it, but he had to. 

“And Zayn. He was so… God, I never want to see him like that ever again,” said Louis. “He made me move in with him after I was discharged. He kicked out his current roommate, gave him a five day notice and then moved me in an hour after the poor guy left. Then he drove me to the mandatory counselling everyday for six weeks and he watched me like a hawk all the time. I had a concussion and a broken arm and a bunch of bruises. I was so fucking lucky. He took care of me and hovered over me 24/7. I was so pissed at him for a time, but looking back now… I’m grateful for him. I’m so grateful. I wasn’t alone anymore. He stopped going to his studio and making art and hanging out with a lot of his friends just to hang out with me and watch me and make sure I didn’t hurt myself again. He let me live with him without working and paying rent for _ months. _ And he never complained. He saved my life Harry.”

Harry nodded into his neck, weeping silently. He would always be thankful for Zayn’s presence in Louis’ life, he made it a vow. He couldn’t believe he was ever jealous of the man. That he even resented him a little bit because of his relationship with Louis… He was so fucking stupid. Zayn was Louis’ bestfriend, his _ brother. _He saved Louis’ life. And Harry would never forget it. “I love Zayn,” he said weakly, heart twisting again when Louis chuckled slightly. If Louis would laugh about it, then he could get through the rest of this. 

“Even though I knew I’d never do it again,” started Louis quietly. “I was still afraid. Afraid of myself. Afraid of what would have happened if I relapsed and was enveloped in the darkness again. Afraid that if I sat behind the wheel again, I’d erase all the progress I’d made and just go back to the hopelessness and desperation I felt that day. I swore I was never going to drive again…”

Louis paused for a moment, gently running a hand over Harry’s hair, “Except I sort of want to now, especially after Lottie’s accident…” Harry’s heart wrenched as he realized. God, poor Louis. Poor Lottie. “It was horrible for the first few hours, thinking she might’ve died on accident by the same thing I did on purpose. It’s so fucked up. But I want to drive again even though I still hate it. Sort of to prove a point? I don’t know. I’m stronger now. I’m not broken any longer… I’m in control.”

“Yes,” said Harry, leaning back to meet Louis’ eyes. “You are so strong, darling. You don’t even know. I’m so proud of you.”

Louis smiled at him, small but genuine. “Niall’s been helping me out, but he doesn’t, um, know the whole story… Actually, the only people who know are Zayn, Calvin, and Lottie. And James, my therapist I suppose. He was the one who told me I should tell you, that you should know…. But the rest of the girls… They know that I went through a hard time where I pretty much disappeared, but they don’t know the whole thing and part of me never wants to tell them… I know I’ll have to tell them one day, but not yet. I’m not ready to tell more people yet. I’m ashamed”

“You shouldn’t be ashamed. You’re so strong. And you don’t have to tell anyone else yet,” said Harry. He grabbed Louis’ hand and intertwined their fingers. He felt unbearably sad- sad that Louis had suffered so much and had undergone so much pain. But his love was overpowering it. His devotion and affection and dedication. His pride and hope and determination. He believed Louis when he said he’d never do this again, that he’d healed. He believed it. So he’d deal with the weight. 

“I’ll get to a point one day where it’ll be easier,” said Louis. But it was a promise. A belief. Harry believed. “I’ll get to a point one day where it’ll all be a distant memory.”

“Thank you for telling me,” said Harry softly. “Thank you for trusting me.” 

“Of course,” said Louis warmly. “I love you.” 

“I love you endlessly,” said Harry back, leaning in to kiss him. It was a slow, comforting kiss. An _ I’m right here _ kiss. An_ I’ll be here for good _kiss. 

A _ we’ll be alright _kiss. 

They’ll be alright. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was kind of an emotional journey, for me and hopefully for you too. However, this whole journey has been emotional and I can't believe it's almost over. The next chapter is the FINAL chapter (there'll be an epilogue, don't worry) and I can't believe I'm finally here. Thank you to all of you for taking a chance on this story and sticking with it despite all the angst and the fact that it's the slowest slow burn ever, haha. 
> 
> Next chapter will be up by next Friday and the epilogue will be out shortly after. Thank you again and I hope you're having a good day despite the craziness of the world right now.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels so bittersweet getting to the end :)

**December 7th 2017**

It was freezing cold, but the sky was clear and blue. The sun was out and shining. Somewhere nearby, birds were chirping. It was a nice day. Louis would have thought he’d be irritated by the fact, but instead he just felt comforted. 

It was only fitting that he was visiting his beautiful mother on a beautiful day. 

The cemetery was completely empty when they arrived at half past ten. Harry hadn’t said a word since they both got into the car three hours ago but he was steady in his presence and his reassurance, rubbing tiny, soothing circles into the soft skin of the back of Louis’ hand as they walked past rows and rows of headstones. 

With every step Louis felt more and more nervous. This was the first time he’d come to visit his mum’s grave. This was the first time he actually felt strong enough to attempt it. 

They found the stone a little bit in the middle of the grounds. There’s a whole bunch of bouquets surrounding it. Gifts and tributes from friends and family. Jay Tomlinson was loved by everyone she met. And it warmed Louis’ heart to see so many flowers in her resting place. She’d love it.

After studying the variety of blooms, he finally lifted his gaze to the headstone itself. Harry squeezed his hand and he released a shaky exhale. 

** _Johannah Poulston Deakin _ **

** _March 25th 1973 - December 7th 2016_ **

** _Beloved mother and wife. _ **

Louis took another deep breath before sitting down. Harry remained standing. “Do you want me to give you some time?” he asked, kindly. Louis glanced up at him. He was holding a bouquet of Jay’s favorite flowers. He nodded numbly and Harry gave him a reassuring smile before backing away into the distance. 

He turned his attention to the gravestone again. “Hey mum,” he said quietly, voice cracking a little bit. He paused, breathing heavily. Clearing his throat, he tried again, “Hey mum, I’m here to visit you.” 

He broke off, breathless and saddened. There had been a crushing weight in his stomach ever since he woke up that morning, even though he awoke in what he considered his safest place: Harry’s arms. Now that he was here- that weight was slowly crumbling, twisting and morphing inside of him until he was kneeling over on the grass, clutching his head. 

“Lou-” came Harry’s distressed voice from a little ways away. 

He slowly decompressed, steadying himself with deep breaths. In and out. In and out. “I’m okay, just give me a second,” he called out, voice sounding strained and awkward in the silent surroundings. 

Harry didn’t respond, maintaining his distance. Despite that, Louis could feel waves of his concern and protectiveness wash over him. It grounded him. 

He took another deep breath. “Mum… It’s been a year since I’ve seen you,” he said finally, voice wobbly but strong. His heart hurt but he knew he'd be grateful he did this in the future. “I miss you so much. But I’m not here to cry, I promise.”

He pictured his beautiful mother as if she was sitting right next to him, loving blue eyes, warm gaze, and the sweet and familiar scent of her perfume. “I came here to tell you that I’m not going to break again. I’m strong. Just like you want me to be. Just like you are.”

Another deep breath. “I start teaching again next month. For a time I never thought I’d ever make it back into a classroom but I am. I’m going to. And before then I’ll be turning 26. It’ll be weird turning another year older without you to wish me a happy birthday, but I know you’ll be sending me your warmest feelings from above. I feel you watching over me.” 

It was the truth and letting it out evaporated the remaining pressure on his chest, allowing him to breathe again. She’s looking down at him, proud and loving as always. 

With that reminder, he continued: talking about his job some more and how he and Dana were meeting up to decide the Spring play soon, Zayn and how his artwork was being displayed in a pretty honorable gallery, Niall and how he confessed to Louis that he was planning on proposing to Barbara early 2018, the girls and how they were doing though Louis knew they had already come to visit earlier that morning as per his assurance not to wait for him, and most importantly, Harry. How they’ve found each other again and how they’re never letting go again. How Harry’s album is doing well and he’s officially signed on to his label for a second one. How they’re thinking about having him open for a bigger artist for a UK tour, and possibly a Europe one after that. How Louis is so proud of him- going from strumming his guitar and jotting down strings of lyrics in his notebook in his free time just for fun to playing for so many people and writing songs that people related to. 

It felt good to just talk about it and know that somewhere out there, his mother is happy for him. After he finished, he knew he and Harry would set out the flowers and then go back to Harry’s car. Louis might even offer to drive the ten minute distance to the Tomlinson house- he felt braver that he ever had in that moment so the idea wasn’t so far fetched. They’d meet up with the girls and Mark and have dinner. Harry would be amazing with his siblings like always, winning them over in seconds despite his absence. 

Later on Dan would stop by with Doris and Ernest who Harry hadn’t seen since they were not even one years old. Then Harry would drive them back to Doncaster and they’d meet Niall, Liam, and Zayn for dinner. And through it all, Louis would remember, but he’d remember with fondness and strength. He’d carry these memories with him as he went on with his life and hold his mother in his heart, always. 

-

Harry kept his distance while Louis did what he had to do, but he couldn’t help but add in his own whispered promise to the mother of his boyfriend, and one of the best (kindest, smartest, and strongest) women he had ever met, as he stood twenty yards away still clutching the bouquet and his keys. 

“I’ll take care of him,” he promised, whispering the words to the sky and letting them evaporate into the air and drift up to the beyond wherever it may be. “I swear it.” 

-

**Interlude**

Harry hadn’t experienced a nice New Years in a very long time, but he had a feeling that this New Year’s would bring all the others to shame. 

The reason for that was currently walking towards him, dressed in a sheer black top, a jean jacket, and black jeans and wearing a wide grin and hazy bright eyes. “Haz,” he said happily and Harry opened his arms to his boyfriend, enveloping his colder body with his own. “Missed you,” Louis said quietly, voice somewhat slurred from the alcohol. 

Harry hummed contentedly, “Me too baby.” He loved when Louis got like this, clingy and cuddly and beaming brighter than the sun. “Twenty minutes to midnight.”

“I know,” said Louis, scoffing. “Let’s just stay here.” 

They were in the kitchen. Harry and Liam decided to hold one last big party at their flat- taking advantage of the space before they moved out at the end of the month. A bunch of people were there: Liam and Zayn, Niall and Barbara, Gemma and Michal, Lottie and her new boyfriend who Louis told Harry they’d have to intimidate the next day, Kasey, Donna (who he finally convinced to go out and have some fun after working her ass off on being a fucking fantastic agent), some of Niall’s other friends, Mitch and Sarah from his band, and then a bunch of Louis’ friends: Perrie, Dana, Calvin (who was currently screaming at the top of his lungs the lyrics to one of Harry’s songs in the other room), Taylor, Gigi (who was Zayn’s ex but Liam didn’t mind), Cara (who Harry really liked from their short conversation), and most surprisingly of all: Sara Sampaio. The girl who Harry had a breakdown in front of instead of a one-night stand. Yikes. 

There had been a pretty awkward moment when they bumped into each other and Louis introduced them but Sara broke the tension by looking between them and grinning, “I got to say, I now fully understand where you were coming from. Lou’s a keeper.” 

“That he is,” agreed Harry, flushed with embarrassment despite himself.

Louis was confused at first but after Harry explained, slightly nervous to hear what he’d think, he just laughed out loud, admitting to Harry that he had seen them making out at the club and that he was relieved they didn’t sleep together because that would be awkward for any potential friendship prospects between the two. Harry had been astonished and horrified that Louis witnessed him with her (mostly because the idea of seeing Louis making out with anyone made him want to punch something) but Louis just laughed again, saying it didn’t matter now. 

That random bout of awkwardness, albeit unexpected, ceased to be significant after a night of dancing and grinding and drinking and snogging. In fact, Harry realized dimly that he hadn’t kissed Louis in half an hour- quite a tragedy. 

He pressed one hand into Louis’ lower back, feeling him easily go docile in his grip, before leaning down and capturing his shining lips in his own. Louis moaned quietly, opening for Harry’s tongue. “It’s not midnight yet,” he pointed out between slow, slick kisses. 

“Doesn’t matter, wanna kiss you,” said Harry. “I think we can make out for twenty minutes pretty easily.”

Louis hummed his agreement, curling his arms around Harry’s neck and going up onto his tip toes. “Love you,” he said into the kiss. 

Harry put down the glass of wine he had been clutching and forgot about when he first saw Louis, before sliding a hand up to his face, cupping his jaw. “Love you more,” said Harry. 

“Not possible,” quipped Louis, biting his lower lip. 

“No fighting,” said Harry, pulling Louis closer to him. 

“Jesus,” came the muttered (and scarred) voice of Liam entering the kitchen. Louis detached one of his arms and Harry had no doubt that it was to flip Liam off and that theory was confirmed when Liam sighed, “Thanks Louis.”

“Welcome,” said Louis, but Harry muffled it by kissing him harder. 

Twenty minutes turned into forty-five pretty quickly, Harry almost missing the countdown to 2018 in his haze of Louis. They break apart for a moment to wish each other Happy New Years before returning to snogging. And maybe Louis pulled Harry into the bathroom to suck him off afterwards too. Harry definitely wouldn’t complain. 

The party goes on till the early hours of the morning. Harry and Louis made the rounds and mingled with everyone. Lottie told Harry that the twins were obsessed with all the nailpolish he brought them when he spent Christmas morning at the Tomlinsons (Louis and Harry had kept their old usual holidays plan: Christmas Eve/Louis’s birthday + Christmas morning with the Tomlinsons, then Christmas dinner and Boxing Day at the Twists). He expressed his gladness, pleased they liked the nailpolish which he himself swore by. Gemma teased them like usual and so did Niall and Kasey and Perrie and pretty much, literally everyone. 

But Harry didn’t mind. He paraded Louis around with an arm around his waist, heart swelling in disbelief that he got to do this- got to hold and kiss and touch and love Louis for the rest of his life. 

It was six in the morning when Harry asked Louis to move in with him. 

Louis was cursing and complaining about a scratch that got on the piano- his piano- from someone not being careful enough. Most of the partygoers had left except for Gemma and Michael who were crashing in the spare room and Zayn who was crashing with Liam and Louis who was hopefully crashing with Harry. 

Harry’s head was slightly throbbing from all the wine he had downed and the shots from about six hours ago catching up to him. He was sweating in his silk shirt and jeans and his curls were drooping. He felt exhausted beyond comprehension, but in that moment it all disappeared. Louis was annoyed but he was still beautiful, hair soft and tousled, eyes bright and fuzzy, skin warm and welcoming. Harry loved him. 

And he never wanted to be away from him longer than he had to. Seeing Louis upset about the piano- his piano- that would be going with Harry to his flat where Louis wouldn’t be at all hours to play and make music. The thought was distressing, maybe even a little unsettling. “Louis,” he started. 

“Hm?” 

“Do you wanna go flat hunting with me?” he blurted. 

Louis blinked, taken aback. “I mean, sure. Of course love.”

“No,” said Harry, shaking his head because Louis didn’t get it. “Do you want to go flat hunting with me for a flat together?” When Louis still didn’t react, he clarified, “Will you move in with me?” 

“Haz, I-" He paused, eyes wide. "Are you sure?” he continued, looking a mixture of emotional and happy. It was a good sign. 

“Yeah, I want you with me all the time,” said Harry sincerely. “I know it’s been like two months and that might be considered 'rushed', but none of this has really been conventional has it? And I-” His words were cut off by Louis barrelling into him, cheeks wet. 

“I’ll move in with you,” he whispered wetly. Harry ran a gentle hand through his hair, heart bursting with affection for the man in his arms. 

“Are you sure?” he asked, because he had to. “Don’t feel pressured, I’d completely understand if you want to wait or-”

“Shut up,” said Louis, smacking him weakly. “Why wouldn’t I want to move in with the love of my life?”

Harry grinned, dimples out in full force for sure as he met Louis’ eyes, “Love of your life, eh? You sound pretty sure about that.”

“I’m very sure," said Louis confidently. 

“Good,” said Harry seriously. He kissed Louis’ head. “It's mutual.” 

-

Harry and Louis officially moved into their new flat on Harry’s birthday and they started their new lives living together by christening their new mattress, having slow and soft sex under the soft morning light in their still barren apartment. And hours later when the sky was turning dark and they finally finished unpacking the furniture and other big objects and the flat started looking less like a picture from a catalogue and more like a home, Harry sat down at the couch with Louis on his lap, and Louis lowered himself onto Harry’s cock, singing Happy Birthday while Harry held back moans because he was annoying and Harry loved him anyway. 

They weren’t sure if they were making the wisest choice- moving in together so quickly and some would say, rashly. They knew it wouldn’t be all rose-tinted paradise- they’d fight and say stupid shit and argue and there would be days where they’d wonder if this really was where they meant to be, if they truly were each other’s homes, if they were meant to be. There’d be days where they’d consider giving in and giving up. 

But they wouldn’t. 

Because even though the road ahead of them was long and bumpy and filled with unexpected twists and turns and even though they knew they’d cry and scream and yell and wear themselves out, it didn’t matter. Because they would still be travelling it together. They'd tackle the hard days hand in hand and relish the good days- the days where they laugh and smile and hug and kiss and make love and hold each other because those were the days that made all the difference. 

-

**February 2013**

The first time Harry saw the pretty boy, he was running late to class for the first time ever. 

He really should've seen it coming. He and Niall had gone out the night before to celebrate Harry’s 19th birthday and Harry’s phone inevitably died somewhere after drink five. He had been too drunk to remember to charge it when they eventually stumbled their way home (okay, they called a cab and then stumbled their way upstairs) so he woke up this morning, without his alarm, hungover and groaning before snapping up when he glanced at the clock and realized he had fifteen minutes to get to his bio class. 

Harry didn’t like biology and he definitely didn't like his bio class. 

But he had to go because this was a lab day and it was worth a significant portion of his grade and also his lab partner hated him and he’d really rather not give him any more fuel for his quite honestly ridiculous resentment with an origin that to this day seemed nonexistent to Harry. Seriously, he didn't do anything to this kid, jeez. 

So he brushed his teeth while brushing his hair (a feat he’d never again attempt after poking himself in the eye, don’t ask how- Harry was bitter about it). Then he changed his shirt because it stunk, not bothering with the black jeans he had passed out in last night. They looked decent. 

Then he grabbed his bag and raced out of the dorms, running like his life depended on it. It was a good thing he had finally started working out regularly. He had never been late to Bio, in fact he pretty much always arrived five minutes before the bell, too devoted to his goal of not annoying the strict professor to be anything but punctual. He really hoped he didn’t break his streak today. 

Thankfully, there wasn’t too many people he had to dodge and duck around at this school. He made it to class about thirty seconds before the bell rang, pausing to catch his breath. He leaned to put his hands on his knees, breathing harshly. It was then he heard a loud, airy laugh. It was a beautiful sound and automatically prompted him to look up. 

And who he saw, made his breath hitch. 

A boy. Petite and slim with a wide smile and caramel brown, bedraggled and mussed hair. He was talking to someone but Harry didn’t pay them any mind. This boy was wearing a shirt that said “Girls just wanna have fun” and depicted a dude wearing a dress and holding a purse. He was wearing black jeans and worn-out old black vans. He was standing about ten feet away and Harry just barely caught a flash of his blue eyes as he laughed harder, the sound warm and pleasing. 

He was gorgeous, Harry could see it. His eyes involuntarily traced his high cheekbones and the dip of his waist. He was still staring when the bell rang and he froze. Shit. 

Slipping into the room, he caught his professor’s disapproving gaze and smiled sheepishly. He went through the class slightly distracted. It didn’t affect his lab (thank god, his lab partner probably would have killed him) but he couldn’t help but let his mind wander to the boy and his laugh. 

It was strange. He had never really noticed someone like that- and had them leave such an impact on him. Maybe it was his hangover. Maybe he was just being weird that morning, who knew. 

It didn’t matter because Harry ended up forgetting about him by the end of the day, too focused on school work and his photography and Niall's current love life woes and calling Gemma to catch up and randomly getting an idea for a lyric while in the shower and literally getting out, butt naked, to write it down because he didn't want to forget it. The boy slipped from his mind as quickly as he slipped in and that, seemed to be the end of that. 

Until. 

-

“Sorry, sorry,” said Harry, just barely moving aside as Tom rolled a cart of pastries past him. Tom shot him a warning look, sending a pointed look at the clock on the wall displaying that he was five minutes late. “I’m sorry Tom, it won’t happen again,” he promised. He really didn’t like this unfortunate pattern of him being late for things that had unexpectedly overtaken him over the past three days. After being late to bio, he was late to a lunch with a friend, and then late to his photography workshop the evening before. Not a good start to being 19, and Harry was ready for it to lose steam already.

He slipped on his apron, and immediately got started with assisting Tom. He didn’t do too much baking in the shop (yet) but he liked to think he had a knack for it. Tom didn’t scold him as much as he did Barbara, his coworker and one of his friends (they both started off at the same time and quickly became mates). 

He had always wanted to work in a bakery after his friends praised his baking skills and told him he had potential. He loved cooking and baking too and he definitely wanted to develop his amateur skills so when he saw the job opening, he snatched it up fast. Even though Tom was moody sometimes, he was a good teacher and Harry had already learned a lot from him even on days like this where he barely spoke, just allowing Harry to silently observe and copy his actions.

Time passed pretty quickly and soon it was time for him to go out front and let Barbara to go on break. On cue, he heard the girl call out, “H! You’re out front now! See you tomorrow!” He met her up front. 

For some reason, he thought of Niall who had teased him a week ago about his friendship with his coworker, “You have a crush H?” Harry had been surprised and then amused. Barbara was a sweet girl- pretty, definitely, but there was no romantic attraction between them. They were good friends. He grinned at her, leaning in for a quick hug. “Thanks Barb, see ya tomorrow.” She finally agreed to come out for drinks with Harry, always complaining about how busy and overwhelmed she felt with school and her two jobs. Harry just wanted her to relax and enjoy a good night out. Maybe he’d ask Niall to join them and show him that they really were just friends. If anything, Niall had a better chance of dating her than he did but that was probably a reach. 

He scanned the room. There weren’t too many tables filled, but it was around 4:30 pm so he wasn’t too surprised. Most of the rush came in the early afternoon or lunchtime. He surveyed the room again, making eye contact with one of the customers and freezing. His brain stuttered in shock. Blue eyes. The stranger smiled at him and he smiled back, hesitantly- maybe a little maniacally. Inside, his heart was pounding. 

It was _ him _!

The pretty boy. He looked just as pretty today, if not more so, dressed up in a button up that brought out the color of his eyes and his hair carefully styled. He was fidgeting with his fingers, looking a little bit nervous and Harry wondered why. 

It felt a little bit like fate, bumping into him so soon after the first time after going months and months without ever seeing him. They weren’t even that close to their uni. It was against all odds that Harry had seen him again. 

But Harry wasn’t going to question it. This boy was gorgeous and there was something about him that made Harry want to know him. 

He had never considered approaching someone at his place of work and asking them out, especially someone he hadn’t even talked to, but he was definitely considering it. Except he looked like he was dressed up for a date (based on that plus the blatant pre-date nerves displayed on angel boy's delicate features)… so maybe not asking him out- maybe just saying hi? Introducing himself and talking about the menu to not sound like a creep. Getting the boy's name. Whatever it was, he was itching with the need to interact with this boy. To hear if his voice was just as beautiful as his laugh. If his personality was just as radiant as his appearance. So before he could back out, he squared his shoulders, slipping out from behind the counter and walking towards him. 

It felt a little monumental. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note on the character death: Involving Jay’s death in any fic is always difficult and controversial considering it’s canon but also a delicate topic. I just want to stress that while it plays a pretty big role in this fic, I am not by any means glorifying grief nor am I defining how Louis grieves or grieved. This is fiction. These characters, despite being inspired by real life people and sharing their names, are fictional and of my creation. And the only reason I put this much emphasis on Jay’s death in this fic is because losing a mother is something that hits home for me and so I spoke from my experience instead of trying to define Louis’- that would be messed up. I don’t mean to be disrespectful in any way, shape, or form which is why I try to make these parts vague and brief. I can’t ignore it because something like that would leave a major impact on those affected but I hope I came across as respectful as intended. Also, I never and will never use someone’s death to further the development of a relationship, especially when the death is canon. That IS messed up and I vehemently oppose it (as should you). Louis and Harry’s relationship would have progressed the same way whether the death happened or not and that was something that I purposely did. Grief is not a plot point in a relationship, and it never should be. I just wanted to cover that briefly as a reminder and clarification. 
> 
> Epilogue will be up sometime this week (hopefully) and then I'm officially working on my next fic (can't believe it!)


	33. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels so bittersweet. It's been almost exactly 6 months since I started this fic and it's finally come to an end!
> 
> (Sorry if this epilogue seems really rushed, I just wanted to get it out and also I was running out of ideas, oops. I still think it's cute though).

**August 5th 2018**

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of these witnesses, to join Niall and Barbara in matrimony, which is commended to be honorable among all men; and therefore is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. Into this holy estate these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace," began the officiator, a young man somewhere in his late twenties. His tone was professional despite his younger nature (and the fact that his only credentials was an online certificate). 

Obviously, no one said anything. Harry scanned the crowd despite the silence, before glancing back at Niall who caught his eye and winked. The man was looking dapper in his best suit and Barbara was a vision in a stylish white pantsuit complete with a long, lace train. Leave it to her to walk down the aisle in an outfit fit for a model. Harry was standing only a few feet away from the couple in the honored position of best man- Harry still got a little emotional thinking back to April when Niall officially asked him and both of them ended up in tears, reminiscing over how long they’ve known each other and how much they mean to each other to this day. Harry cleared his throat quietly. 

Behind him, he knew Zayn, Liam, and Greg, Niall’s brother, were standing as groomsmen. Louis was also a groomsman, but he was next to Harry like they all knew he’d be and no one minded anyway. They were holding hands tightly as they watched two of their dearest friends get married. The wedding was gorgeous. Barbara chose the venue- an open, brightly decorated hall with massive mosaic windows and so much natural light, everyone- all of Niall and Barbara's family and closest friends who meant the world to them and who had gathered here to celebrate the union of these two wonderful people, was bathed in a light glow from the sun. 

Or maybe that was the glow of Niall and Barbara’s happiness because Harry was sure he’d never seen two people so happy. He glanced at Louis out of the corner of his eye. He had been doing his best to avoid looking at him too much, unable to cope with how fantastic his boyfriend looked in that suit: black with sparkles, cinched in at the waist, and form-fitting, in other words, the most enchanting thing Harry had ever seen. Louis had his attention wholly fixed on Niall and Barbara as the ceremony continued, but Harry couldn’t help but just study him, giddy with the realization that on day it would be them standing up there at the altar, declaring their love for each other in the witness of all the people who meant the most to them. He thought of the small velvet box he had hidden carefully in his closet, deciding in that moment that he wanted that dream to happen a little bit sooner than initially anticipated. He didn’t care that they haven’t even been dating for a year yet. He knew Louis was it for him. Louis knew Harry was it for him. It was just a matter of when the best time was, and seeing it all pan out for Niall and Barbara from proposal to planning to execution just made him want to join the 'married club' as soon as possible. 

“What is it?” whispered Louis, catching Harry’s stare. He leaned in closer to Harry, eyebrows raised in question. There were dried remains from tears on his cheeks- Louis cried the easiest out of all of them and he had done it already despite the ceremony not even being half way over. 

Harry smiled at him, squeezing his hand, “Nothing baby. You look gorgeous and I love you, that’s all.” 

Louis scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I love you too, now pay attention- Nialler’s getting married for fuck’s sake.” 

“I noticed,” quipped Harry, squeezing his hand lightly. Louis pointedly ignored him. Harry turned his attention back to the almost-weds nonetheless. 

“Do you, Niall James Horan, take Barbara to be your wife, till death do you part?” 

“I do,” said Niall immediately, staring at Barbara with unabashed love and tenderness. 

“And do you, Barbara Marie Palvin, take Niall to be your husband, till death do you part?” 

“I do,” said Barbara, voice thick with emotion and grin radiant as she gazed back at her almost husband. 

“Then by all power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife," declared the officiator. The man paused before grinning. “Go for it.”

Harry bit his lip amusedly at the casual saying that contrasted so greatly from the rest of the ceremony (that’s what happens when Barbara gets one of her friends to officiate). Niall and Barbara didn’t seem to mind, quickly engaging in a kiss that was probably a little too steamy considering the situation. One of Barbara’s bridesmaids whistled loudly and everyone cheered, Harry among them. 

Niall and Barbara broke apart, but they were still gazing at each other like there was no one else in the room. Harry’s heart swelled for his best friends. He was so unbelievably happy for them. He chuckled when Louis put his hands around his mouth and yelled, “Here’s to Mr and Mrs. Horan!!” 

Everyone cheered. 

-

After the wedding reception and Harry’s very emotional best man’s speech- he had teared up talking about how Niall was always one of those people who did everything he could to bring people happiness, whether it be through his job and helping patients or helping his friends out (or getting his friends back together, _ cough _) and how someone like him deserved someone who would make him just as happy as he made everyone around him. That person was Barbara and Harry was so fucking proud to see Niall get the same joy he brought to everyone else. 

Louis cried again listening to his speech and even smacked Harry on the shoulder when he sat down again. “You idiot. That was beautiful.” 

Harry grinned and pulled Louis into him, resting his head on top of Louis’. He caught Liam’s eye, rolling his eyes when the man mouthed, _ You guys next. _

_ Or you _mouthed Harry right back. Liam glanced at Zayn who was sitting next to him, deep in conversation with one of Niall’s cousins, before blushing and ducking his head. 

Louis raised his head slightly and Harry pulled back to look at him, gently smoothing down his soft hair. Louis chuckled wetly, “I feel so happy.”

“Me too,” said Harry, grinning. He thought about how it's been over a year since he and Louis tumbled back into each other's lives against all odds. It'd been more than a year and they've grown so much- as a couple and as individuals. Harry opened for a big act for their small Europe tour earlier in the Spring. Louis was completely back into teaching again. They adopted a dog (Clifford was adorable). Louis was finally given the okay to stop taking his meds (Harry was so proud of him). Most importantly, they were happy. So fucking happy. 

“Not just for the wedding, but because I never thought I’d get to do this,” continued Louis softly. “See Niall get married and be a groomsman… Be at the wedding with _ you _.” 

“Funny how life works out sometimes,” drawled Harry, knocking his head into Louis’ on accident while pressing his forehead to his. Louis huffed. 

“Clumsy.”

Harry smirked. “You weren’t saying that last night when I-”

“Okay!” interrupted Niall loudly. “Maybe I should just walk away.”

Louis made a sound, standing up before barrelling into Niall and squeezing the life out of him. Niall guffawed and hugged him back. “I can’t believe you’re a married man,” said Louis, words slightly muffled by Niall's suit. 

“Yup, lucky for you Harry,” teased Niall while patting Louis on the back. 

Harry scowled, “Shut up.”

“Please tell me you’re not actually jealous of Niall- you're such a possessive alpha sometimes,” piped up a voice. Harry turned to see his sister, dressed in a light green dress with a glass of wine in her hand. 

“You look like the wine aunt,” said Harry pettily. "And I'm secure in my jealous self, so fuck you." 

“And I _ am _the wine aunt,” said Gemma sassily. Louis laughed before hugging her too. Harry crossed his arms when it was his turn. “Stubborn bastard,” said Gemma, before taking matters into her own hands and hugging Harry. Harry rolled his eyes but begrudgingly hugged back- he hadn’t seen Gemma in a month anyway. She had been gone on her own honeymoon after getting married in June to Michal. 

One by one, everyone was getting married. 

He glanced at Louis, again. 

_ Maybe we will be next. _

“Why are you still sitting around anyway, I thought you guys were going to traumatize everyone by grinding on the dance floor,” said Niall cheekily. 

“Oh don’t worry Neil, we will,” said Louis, smirking. “I didn’t wear this suit for nothing.”

Harry got distracted by said suit before Gemma smacked him on the arm. 

“Ow,” hissed Harry. “Go harass a bunch of kids if you’re really the wine aunt!” 

“Bold of you to assume I haven’t already.” 

“Okay guys, I’m leaving,” announced Niall. 

“Take me with you,” said Louis, and then he left with him like a traitor, leaving Harry to deal with the abuse from his sister and Michal who had wandered over to them too. 

Rude. 

He spent the next hour circling the hall, mingling with Niall’s family, Niall and Barbara’s coworkers, and a few friends. He was talking to one of Barbara’s old school friends when Louis found him again, tucking himself into Harry’s side like he did whenever he wanted attention. Harry slipped an arm around him, pressing a quick kiss to his temple before meeting his eyes concernedly. “Something wrong?”

Louis didn't appear to be bothered or uneasy but Harry knew him better than anyone else in the world and he could recognize that something was up. “I just bumped into my ex.”

“Your ex?” asked Harry, confused. It hit him. “Like… the asshole you dated before me? Adam or what’s his face?” 

“Aiden,” said Louis. “And yes.”

“Where? What did he say?” asked Harry worriedly. He remembered what Louis said about him and what he did- how he treated Louis like dust and how their relationship ended… because he cheated on Louis. Irritation and thinly veiled anger rose inside him. “What’s he even doing here?”

“I think he’s the date of one of Barb’s friends, but don’t tell her,” hissed Louis. 

“Don’t tell Barb or don’t tell the girl she’s dating a prick?”

“Both,” said Louis. “It’s okay babe, I just bumped into him and we had, like, a fifteen second conversation.”

“What’d he say?” 

“Nothing bad- he actually looked really guilty,” said Louis and he sounded really relieved about it. “I hope he’s finally learned how to treat his partner right.”

“Hopefully,” said Harry. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Louis smiled at him, wide and genuine. “I’m okay. I have you anyway.”

“Gonna flaunt your better boyfriend to that twat?” asked Harry teasingly. 

Except Harry should've known better because Louis looked 100% serious as he tugged at a stray curl from Harry’s perfectly styled hair and replied solemnly, “Hell yeah.” 

“Okay baby. Lead the way,” said Harry. He’d do anything for this man, he thought happily- no matter how crazy or petty (or sweet and thoughtful- because Louis was just as sincere as he was cheeky). And it’d be that way for the rest of their lives. It wasn’t a shocking realization nor was it an unwanted one. Harry could confidently say he was completely content with his fate. His fate included the beautiful man who had stolen his heart at age 19 and who's held it ever since, so how could Harry ever be anything but grateful?

-

Harry proposed on September 28th. 

Louis said yes. 

And Harry ended up being wrong- because there were two people who managed to be even happier than Niall and Barbara on their wedding day and no one who attended said wedding could ever disagree. 

_Fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who decided to take a chance on this fic, my first fic. I hope you all loved it as much as I do. 
> 
> Again, you can follow me on twitter @falsegoodnight and I *may* make a tumblr soon... I'll update on that. 
> 
> (Also, I know Gemma's not married. I just felt weird about her not being married before Louis and Harry especially considering all the obstacles H&L faced. And Marie is a middle name I just made up, haha).


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